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DinaDraz

Dear sweetheart

Dear sweetheart
you gave me more than any woman will dream 
just as if a fantasy was coming real
as beautiful as a lie that came to an end
don't question why the last chapter has already been penned

chorus:  
Dear Sweetheart, we must breakup 
you wanna hold on, I know
but your wants cannot make a lie come true

Dear Sweetheart
How many days of Tintagel have we dreamt 
and up the cliffs our lips turned soft and melt
How many nights have you wrapped me till I fell deep in sleep
and whispered promises we know neither you or I can keep

chorus:
Dear Sweetheart, we must breakup 
you wanna hold on, I know
but your wants cannot make a lie come true

Dear Sweetheart 
maps point out the countries but you made up my home
and as I left I have felt all your pain inside my bones
all the promises that we shared are broken now except for one
the love we shared is not replaced but the heart will move on


chorus:
Dear Sweetheart, we must breakup 
you wanna hold on, I know
but your wants cannot make a lie come true

 

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Please, I'm begging you, post this with a smaller font - It's like getting screamed at first thing in the morning. I tried to read this but couldn't.

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8 hours ago, DinaDraz said:

Dear sweetheart
you gave me more than any woman will dream 
just as if a fantasy was coming real
as beautiful as a lie that came to an end
don't question why the last chapter has already been penned

chorus:  
Dear Sweetheart, we must breakup 
you wanna hold on, I know
but your wants cannot make a lie come true

Dear Sweetheart
How many days of Tintagel have we dreamt -    At first glance, what is Tintagel? Then I looked it up.
and up the cliffs our lips turned soft and melt
How many nights have you wrapped me till I fell deep in sleep -   "Wrapped" sounds like a piece of meat.  How many nights have you "held" me till I fell deep in sleep.
and whispered promises we know neither you or I can keep -   Take out "I" here and leave the failure to deliver on love/promises to the love interest and not the point of view expressed in writing. Makes it sound as if POV is as guilty as the love interest of lies.  POV (point of view) could potentially contradict the message in what's being said.    -  This might work better,  "And whispered promises I know you can't keep". 

chorus:
Dear Sweetheart, we must breakup 
you wanna hold on, I know
but your wants cannot make a lie come true

Dear Sweetheart 
maps point out the countries but you made up my home    This line stinks. It's like creating added pieces to a jigsaw puzzle. Might want to get rid of the bones line too.
and as I left I have felt all your pain inside my bones
all the promises that we shared are broken now except for one
the love we shared is not replaced but the heart will move on


chorus:
Dear Sweetheart, we must breakup 
you wanna hold on, I know
but your wants cannot make a lie come true

 

 

 

It's a word salad in many of the lines focused on above in blue.  I'd go back and start editing and making some things clearer as well as finding better word choices to make this more emotionally moving. 

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Hi, 

 

I am probably in the minority but I was thinking how good it was to have the big font so I could read it easilly - my eyesight is not so good these datys.

 

I had to look up Tintagel and according to wikipedia it is a small village in Cornwall - I assume there is a different meaning !

 

Overall it is pretty wordy at times, I am sure you could have a tune that would work for it but they are still a mouthful.  For example:

How many nights have you wrapped me till I fell deep in sleep
and whispered promises we know neither you or I can keep

 

It also seems at odds that you refer to them as sweetheart and talk about how good everything was but give no indication why you need to split up. 

 

Otherwise I really liked it, but it probably needs a second draft.

 

Simon

 

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I had a difficult time with this lyric. Initially I'm thinking that English may not be your first language. The manner in which the verses were presented and your word choices felt stiff and didn't flow smoothly.

 

Every verse was overflowing with big and important sounding declarations of love and loss but I never truly felt that I had an emotional investment in either of these two people. This is a very common subject in lyric writing and it is always a challenge to present something in a new way that will hook a reader/listener.

 

I know the story you are trying to tell in this lyric and I think if you attempted to use more conversational language it would actually read better and allow the reader/listener to possibly identify a bit easier with these two people. As you have presented it I think the language actually holds it back rather than moving it forward. Perhaps you will spend some time rethinking this lyric and posting it again with some changes.

 

Don't be discouraged. Keep at it. That's the only way to improve.

 

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