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kuya

Simple As That

     Based on an essay from an older sister of a gangbanger about why her and some girlfriends visit the cemetery every day. She was very matter of fact about it. She didn't want them to be forgotten. 

 

Simple As That

 

My brother was 16 
When he was shot dead
He was shot by someone
Who only liked red

 

My brother got killed
He only liked blue
Its as simple as that
Its sad but its true

 

This cemetery 
Has many young boys
And I visit them all
Cuz that's my choice

 

Flowers on the graves of the boys who liked blue
Flowers for the boys who liked red too
You are not forgotten. That's my promise to you. 
Flowers for my brother. That's all i can do. 

 

Most days i bring flowers
Sometimes i bring more
Some days just candles
From the dollar store

 

I always remember
These forgotten boys
Always bring something
I even bring toys

 

Flowers on the graves of the boys who liked blue
Flowers for the boys who liked red too
You are not forgotten. That's My promise  to you
Flowers for my brother. That's all i can do. 


Some Call me traitor But thats not true
I dont care about colors, and I dont want to
The gravestones are grey. Not red or blue
It's as simple as that and it's sad but it's true. 

 

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Well at least you could have written something in there to criticize :)

Perfect as it is - great stuff kuya :)

 

It really is as simple as that isn't it?

 

Paul

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5 hours ago, kuya said:

     Based on an essay from an older sister of a gangbanger about why her and some girlfriends visit the cemetery every day. She was very matter of fact about it. She didn't want them to be forgotten. 

 

Simple As That

 

My brother was 16 
When he was shot dead
He was shot by someone.....For no reason other than.  He was wearing red. I think it flows better rather than telling us he was shot by someone because we already know that from line 2.
Who only liked red

 

My brother got killed
He only liked blue
Its as simple as that
Its sad but its true..........I'm not sure where this v is going. Is this supposed to by another brother who was in a different gang?

 

This cemetery 
Has many young boys
And I visit them all
Cuz that's my choice........I think you have to lead us to the cemetery instead of just out of the blue.  Maybe redo v2 so you can go to the pre-ch.

 

Flowers on the graves of the boys who liked blue........I think the better description should be "wore" and not "liked."
Flowers for the boys who liked red too..............same here (wore) and leave off "too" cause I don't think you need a rhyme. 
You are not forgotten. That's my promise to you. 
Flowers for my brother. That's all i can do. ...........See, this makes v2 confusing cause it sounds like you have 2 brothers.  I think you should keep it personal and just focus on your brother instead of other graves. 

 

Most days i bring flowers
Sometimes i bring more.......Maybe something more.  
Some days just candles.......Like colored candles. You can even say red/blue candles to keep the colors theme.  Keep it simple and flowing. 
From the dollar store

 

I always remember
These forgotten boys
Always bring something
I even bring toys............I would redo this pre-ch to stay focused on your brother and leave off the toy line as I think at 16 he had outgrown toys. 

 

Flowers on the graves of the boys who liked blue
Flowers for the boys who liked red too
You are not forgotten. That's My promise  to you
Flowers for my brother. That's all i can do. 


Some Call me traitor But thats not true.................Quite a leap.  Traitor comes out of nowhere.
I dont care about colors, and I dont want to.......want to what???
The gravestones are grey. Not red or blue
It's as simple as that and it's sad but it's true. 

 

I think there is too much telling in this one with the way you structured your sentences. There are some confusing parts in the story and maybe too many stories within the story.

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3 minutes ago, Barneyboy said:

I think there is too much telling in this one with the way you structured your sentences. There are some confusing parts in the story and maybe too many stories within the story.

 

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Barney you're right.  My explanation is that i was trying to follow as closely as i could the exact words of the sister.  I wrote it as she said it.  I will find the article and post her name here and her brother's too as that was what she was trying to accomplish-- make sure her brother and these other boys weren't completely forgotten. I'll study your suggestions a little more. Thanks.  Thanks also Paul. It needs something but i was stuck. 

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This is a pretty strong lyric and it captures the hard-to-fathom insanity of protecting one's gang territory. I think you explore this well.

 

I wonder if the word "diss" or "dissed", which is a really relevant word in these situations, could be worked in to the lyric, perhaps to replace one of your other word choices. It's all about being dis-respected and being caught wearing the wrong colors in the wrong past of town and the word "diss" carries a lot of weight and is very specific to what you're writing about... just a thought.

 

The word "liked" doesn't really convey the power or importance of the colors, and while what you have works, I'm sure there is a stronger option that truly captures the significance of what these young men are killing or being killed for.

 

A strong and honest effort to put into a lyric a sad and often-told tragedy.

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I think this is excellent. One of the best lyrics that I've read on here recently and wouldn't really change much about it.

 

My only small suggestion is:

 

Having started verse 1 with 'My brother', I wonder if it would be better to start Verse 2 with 'Another brother' or 'Someone else's brother'? Might not work with the meter as well but would make more sense in terms of the narrative as it's unlikely that she had 2 brothers who were on opposite sides.

 

The idea of using colours to explain the rivalry is good. It reminds me of a moment that was both sad and funny from my childhood. I grew up in Northern Ireland where there was tension between the Republicans (whose colours are Green, white and gold) and the Loyalists (whose colours are Red, white and blue). I remember getting a lift home from school from a family friend and her boy (who must have been about 9) remarked that he hated grass because it was green. When his mum quizzically asked why, he replied because green was a Republican colour ...

 

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Hi

 

I like the simplicity of this. And as mentioned it could apply to other areas of conflict. Race, religion and politics.

 

On first reading I thought that it was about two brothers, but looking again I can see it's the same brother.

 

Maybe that might need some clarification.

 

I just wonder if brother could be used not in the sense of siblings but of mankind and there was two. One red and one blue. Then in the bridge there could be a reference along the lines of "We are all brothers".

 

Just a suggestion, anyway.

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