Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 

 

This message will be removed once you have signed in.

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
J.W. Terry

When He's Lonely

First posting... hope I did it right. The original song had more adjective and symbolism, but I read Alistair's post about writing lyrics and made some changes. Looking for feedback and advice. Thanks.

 

When He’s Lonely

 

Strumming his guitar next to the broken window pane

He tries to match the rhythm of the gently falling rain

Georgie takes his hand softly humming as they sway 

When his wife walks in the room Georgie goes away

 

Now he’s lonely

Yes he’s lonely

He stops strumming his guitar smells the perfume in the air

He does his best to show he cares

But it’s hard to let her near

When he’s lonely

 

Old wood creaks beneath his feet as he’s pacing in the hall

He sits down near the window leans his back against the wall

Georgie rounds the corner takes his hand and pulls him close

When the kids come through the door Georgie has to go 

 

Now he’s lonely

Yes he’s lonely

He gets up to his feet hears the laughter in the air

He does his best to show he cares

But it’s hard to let them near

When he’s lonely

 

Lord knows he loved his family and tried in every way

To show them just how much he cared about them every day

But he could never shake the memory of a friend who couldn’t stay

No he could never shake the memory of a friend who couldn’t stay

 

Having quiet conversation Georgie’s telling him to rest

His wife is sitting close he holds her hand against his chest 

She can’t make out the words he says his breathing’s getting hard

Looking out the window she sees Georgie in the yard

 

She knows the time has come when she sees Georgie in the yard

 

Georgie takes his hand they walk from darkness into light

She’s smiling through her tears because she knows he’s free tonight  

She’s knows she’s gonna miss him, but her love is free tonight

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi J.W.

 

I think you have some nice imagery, but just a rough outline of a song. This is a bit confusing to me at this stage. The chorus, in particular, needs allot of work, and the hook is not well explained, or doesn't hold my interest because it's not well anchored in the chorus. The end of the song seems to be several verses in a row without a chorus repeating. I'm seeing Verse, Chorus,Verse, Chorus, Verse, Verse, a single line that may be a lift and then an outro or ending. It might help if you label the parts. But I think it needs a chorus closer to the end.

 

If I understand your story, he's in love with a singer, Georgia, whom he works with (or worked with), and his wife comes to realized it....she's let him go at the end. Forgive me if I have it all wrong. But if I'm right, that's not a bad idea for a song if you can clarify things a little more and tighten up the lyric. I'm sure this sort of thing happens. If you can get the lyric organized better, the listener might start to sympathize with the singer and his wife as well.....and Georgia for that matter. At this point it is not quite hitting home for me at an emotional level or at a universal level. You have allot of lengthy lines, thoughts and images to work with as you move forward.

 

I would consider moving to first person. It pulls the listener in. I'll  mess with your first verse a little just to give you a few ideas of how to tighten it up....but there are allot of possible wordings you could try.

 

Strumming my guitar near a broken window pane

Tryin' to match the rhythm of the gently falling rain

Georgie takes my hand, softly humming as we sway 

Then my wife walks in the room, and Georgie pulls away

 

I chose "pulls away" rather than "goes away" because it is more descriptive and in the moment, less abstract too....... describes Georgia's immediate reaction when she's gotten a little too chummy with the husband. But, of course, it's your song and you should consider all the possibilities for wording and ideas. 

 

I think your verses hold up better than the chorus. But I would try working with them to make them a little more interesting and have more impact.

 

I don't want to be discouraging because this is not a bad first draft....it just needs a little more pizzazz which should develop with each rewrite. There is a story here, some nice images, some nice lines that may need shortening. And I think there may be a few throwaways that need something better. This just needs further developing to pull it into focus and make the hook more relevant.

 

Now about the chorus:

I don't much care for your hook/title. I think you could find something much better for this story. Maybe one that has Georgia in it....."Georgia's Perfume Linger"s or something along these lines. Also, Georgia is not real well developed as a character...she's kinda in the shadows. 

6 hours ago, J.W. Terry said:

Now he’s lonely

Yes he’s lonely

He stops strumming his guitar smells the perfume in the air

He does his best to show he cares

But it’s hard to let her near

When he’s lonely

If your Title/Hook is When he's lonely, you might need to better explain what happens when he's lonely.....explain it in the chorus rather than the verses. I realize you're saying that "it's hard to let his wife near" when he's lonely for Georgia. But it doesn't come across very well to me. In particular, it's hard to distinguish the characters with so many pronouns. You might add "Georgia" and "his wife". In this sketchy example I'm also going to move to first person.

 

I'm so lonely, oh so lonely

Sitting strumming my guitar

I keep trying, but I'm dying

Inside, cus it's just too hard

Pretending I still care

While Georgia's perfume

Lingers in the air

 

I'm not saying this is what you're after......just giving you something to think about as you move forward. One of the biggest weaknesses in your chorus is the lack of a strong rhyme pattern.

 

You've chosen an interesting scenario for the story, and I think you're off to a good start. Keep working on this..... and you'll have yourself a song.

 

Hope this is helpful in some small way.

 

Joey

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not certain what is going on and why.  Who is Georgie? At first, I thought she was a nanny, then a nurse and at present my interpretation of Georgie is as a figment of the man's imagination in the story.  She's either someone out of his past or some illusion the point of view has created in his mind to deal with what is described as "lonely".  I'm inclined to believe Georgie is a figment, once real, no longer there, or perceived by the point of view and used as a coping mechanism to comfort the man before his inevitable death which to me is suggestive in the final piece.

 

Makes me wonder why the point of view is lonely when he has a wife and family unless he is perhaps ill in more ways than one and feels all alone with whatever he is going through .

 

Suggestion -  Work on the chorus, making it stronger.   As for the lyric, everything I wrote above is how it comes across to me.  Not something I would want to listen to in a song but the material is interesting in that I am curious to know more about the circumstances.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi JW,

        Sometimes a little mystery in a lyric makes them more interesting to people, especially around here. Myself included.  I interpreted the lyrics to mean a man with a wife and children is lonely for some man from the past named Georgie and his wife can't take that kind of loneliness away from him, and the wife finally realizes it at the end and lets him go. 

       For me the weakest line in the chorus is "he does his best to show he cares."  I think theres maybe too many syllables in that line, or at least as i hear the rhythm.  If my interpretation is accurate  as to the storyline then maybe "he tries his best to hide it." Or something like that might work.  

       I liked  your lyric. You can write an interesting story and its all the more interesting by not giving it all away. Good job.  Don't change a thing on my say so. i predict you will enjoy this forum and the nice group of people here. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The gay idea had crossed my mind as well but didn't voice it.   Georgie is one of those names that could go either way in terms of it being female or male in my thoughts.

Something you said initially before the lyric however suggests symbolism in what's written.

 

Boy or girl, I keep thinking of this oldie, a little before my time with Georgie's spelling a little different.  https://youtu.be/c-GApOqzgWM

 

Hope you'll share the meaning of what it is you've written unless the intent was to leave the audience hanging.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm a relatively simple fellow and when I'm searching for meaning in a lyric  I lose interest because I need to participare in the story by understanding the story. In this lyric I'm searching without any clues!  Nice imagery throughout but the story isn't clear to me. I do understand that having some mystery is a choice but I'm more on the literal interpretation side of writing! Nice job though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you to all who replied to this post. I can't express how much I appreciate the feedback and advice.

 

Joey M - You gave me some very useful advice which will help me with future songs. I'm not going to put much more time into this one. Too much time spent already, I think. But I wrote down your advice and have already applied it to some other songs I am working on.

 

kuya - You pretty much figured it out. And I liked your line-change suggestion.

 

spanishbuddha - I had to laugh when I read your review, because this really isn't a song I would want to listen to either. You were more honest with me than I was with myself. Thanks.

 

The realrush - Thank you for the kind words and honesty. 

 

I am going to change things up a bit and try and write what I might like to listen to. It took me twelve days to get up the nerve to post something, and now I don't know what I was afraid of. 

 

Georgie is dead, by the way. Sorry for the confusion.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

How would "Georgie On My Mind" work as  a title?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0