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Neal K    13

Conundrum

A man wants an octagonal house built so that all the walls face south,

As it is being built a bear ambles past

What colour is the bear?

White, because it's a Polar Bear - The only place all the windows would face south is at the North Pole.

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Clemo    0

Conundrum

A man wants an octagonal house built so that all the walls face south,

As it is being built a bear ambles past

What colour is the bear?

White, because it's a Polar Bear - The only place all the windows would face south is at the North Pole.

Absolutely correct

All the best

Mike

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Clemo    0

Conundrum

A man wants an octagonal house built so that all the walls face south,

As it is being built a bear ambles past

What colour is the bear?

Pun

A man goes into a zoo, the only animal in there is a small dog

What is the breed of the dog

White, I assume!

A shih tzu? :lol:/>

Hi Alistair

Absolutely cock on

How long did it take you to get the dog breed?

It took me ages

All the best

Mike

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Alistair S    49

How long did it take you to get the dog breed?

Well, I was thinking "Prairie Dog" but then I thought, "That's not a pun - what dog's have a zoo pun?" and it was pretty clear. It made me chuckle - thanks!

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Lazz    24

Conundrum:

Why would anyone have a zoo with only one small dog in it?

What am I missing?

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Neal K    13

Why would anyone have a zoo with only one small dog in it?

Budget cuts. The dog has many costumes.

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Neal K    13

Was it always so small?

Only when they stopped feeding it Viagra.

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kuya    66

The past, the present, and the future all walk into a bar----man, it was tense!

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Clemo    0

My wife recently came out of hospital after a successful removal of a mole from her vagina,

She said that's the last time she makes love to a mole

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Monte    2

Have you guys heard of the Tolkien Elf who practiced Scientology?

His name was Elrond Hubbard!

------------------------------

Did you hear about the Tolkien Elf who didn't have any plastic building bricks?

He was Lego-Less!

------------------------------

Did you hear about the musician who would knit during his concerts?

His name was Jim Crochet...

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Barneyboy    48

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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Barneyboy    48

BLONDS FIRE BACK

For all the men who like to send blonde jokes, the paybacks are here!

1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop and ask for directions.

4. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

5. What is the difference between men and Government bonds? The bonds eventually will mature.

6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

7. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know. It has never happened.

8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

9. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

10. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns it.

11. Why are married women usually heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the remote control between his toes.

13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be able to do better than THAT!"

14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice makes perfect".

15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

They're all married.

16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?" God says, "So she would love you!"

It appears that a touchy man with hurt feelings removed #2

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Lazz    24
It appears that a touchy man with hurt feelings removed #2

Then please allow me to add two more in compensation.

Q.

What do we call that useless piece of flesh on the end of a penis?

A.

A man.

Q.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's bedroom?

A.

It depends how thin we slice them.

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Barneyboy    48
It appears that a touchy man with hurt feelings removed #2

Then please allow me to add two more in compensation.

Q.

What do we call that useless piece of flesh on the end of a penis?

A.

A man.

Q.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's bedroom?

A.

It depends how thin we slice them.

Please keep your jokes for blondes not feminists.

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Lazz    24
Please keep your jokes for blondes not feminists.

Did you misread your own cut-and-paste job?

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Bruce N    0
#2 Was my favorite. What is this? Disney?

I feel deprived.

Do you remember it?

Due to a Geneva Convention ruling, joke No. 2 has been banned from public use. It has been eradicated for the safety and security of the human population.

More information here:

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Lazz    24
#2 Was my favorite. What is this? Disney?

I feel deprived.

Do you remember it?

Due to a Geneva Convention ruling, joke No. 2 has been banned from public use. It has been eradicated for the safety and security of the human population.

More information here:

Oh - that old one.

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Barneyboy    48
#2 Was my favorite. What is this? Disney?

I feel deprived.

Do you remember it?

Due to a Geneva Convention ruling, joke No. 2 has been banned from public use. It has been eradicated for the safety and security of the human population.

More information here:

Wasn't funny.

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Bruce N    0

Oh - that old one.

Well that's the thing eh, there are no new jokes, new tellers, new listeners, but no new jokes.

"I fell off my dinosaur when I heard that one." Probably has more validation then most folks realise, for instance. "What do you call 40 dead (fill in current disparaged group)_______ at the bottom of the sea ? A start.

Anyways.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

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Lazz    24
"I fell off my dinosaur when I heard that one." Probably has more validation then most folks realise, for instance. "What do you call 40 dead (fill in current disparaged group)_______ at the bottom of the sea ? A start.

"What is the great Canadian dream?" someone asked me, shortly after I first set frigid feet down into the vast coldness.

I knew nothing of Canada, having only recently arrived, but I well knew my role in the ritual telling of such stories.

And so I returned the question for its answer - "I have no idea - so tell me, what IS the great Canadian dream?"

"For every Quebecker to go over Niagara Falls.....", came the first half of the answer, followed by a dramatic pause before the damning coda,

"With a Paki under each arm!"

The teller chortled and yucked in deep satisfaction at delivering the final punch.

That was my first true Canadian joke - like millions of others about "the other", I guess.

And a disappointing introduction to the hidden underbelly of its liberal myth.

I fell off my dinosaur right there.

new tellers, new listeners, but no new jokes.

But then we have Jimmy

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Barneyboy    48

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a queer.'

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Tex    0

Oh - that old one.

Well that's the thing eh, there are no new jokes, new tellers, new listeners, but no new jokes.

"I fell off my dinosaur when I heard that one." Probably has more validation then most folks realise, for instance. "What do you call 40 dead (fill in current disparaged group)_______ at the bottom of the sea ? A start.

Anyways.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Always wondered why I didn't like BMW's................guess I know why now..............

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Barneyboy    48

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

 

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workmen’s clothing. He said,

 

“Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”

 

The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”

 

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”

 

The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”

 

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.”

 

“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours!”

 

~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~

 

Astronomers believe that, on average, the universe contains one atom for every 88 gallons of space.

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Barneyboy    48

A little known Historical fact 
  

For years you probably have wondered who first

uttered the phrase 
  

"You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me!"  
  

Am I right? 
  

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our 
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the 

Delaware River with his troops.     
  

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.  It was 
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them 
about.    
 
  

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.    
 
  

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.    
 
  

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware.  Washington and his troops searched for nearly

an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.    
 
  

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet

and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must

go on.     
  

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' 
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.    
 
  

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.    
 
  

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. 
  
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. 
  
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.     
  

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George

Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and

desperately need warmth and comfort.'     
  

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right 
place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  How many men

do you have?'     
  

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'     
 
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin’ me.'   
  
  

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HoboSage    76

Not bad. But, if I ever tell it, I'll use "Dix" instead of "Peters." That would sound more contemporary.  :) 

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Barneyboy    48

A little known Historical fact 
  

For years you probably have wondered who first

uttered the phrase 
  

"You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me!"  
  

Am I right? 
  

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our 
country, way back when George Washington was crossing the 

Delaware River with his troops.     
  

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.  It was 
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them 
about.    
 
  

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him
to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.    
 
  

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the
lantern back and forth, back and forth.    
 
  

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his
lantern into the Delaware.  Washington and his troops searched for nearly

an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them
felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.    
 
  

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet

and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must

go on.     
  

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' 
They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.    
 
  

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in
the forest to serve all who came.    
 
  

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. 
  
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. 
  
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.     
  

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George

Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and

desperately need warmth and comfort.'     
  

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad
smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right 
place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  How many men

do you have?'     
  

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'     
 
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin’ me.'   
  
  

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Barneyboy    48

Lesson 1/6:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2/6:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3/6:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4/6:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5/6:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’
‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. ‘They’re packed with nutrients.’
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..

Lesson 6/6:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep sh*t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Share this with your friends who needs a laugh today.
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Barneyboy    48

Father Slifko woke Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and

sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

  

So he told the junior priest, Father Fitzgerald, that he was feeling sick and persuaded

him to say Mass for him that day.

  

As soon as Father Fitzgerald left the room, Father Slifko headed out of town 

to a golf course about forty miles  away.

  

This way he knew he  wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. 

 Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and

everyone else was in church!

 

At about this time, Saint  Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the

heavens and exclaimed, "you're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

  

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

  

Just then Father Slifko hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping

just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

  

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

  

St. Peter was astonished.  He looked at the Lord and asked,

"Why did you let him do that?"

  

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

  

PEACE BE WITH YOU.

 

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 :P  Viewer Discretion Advised (ooh not really)   :lol: 

 

For Your Eyes Only Darling.  :lol: 

 

 

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Barneyboy    48
At one Catholic Church in Nebraska, they have monthly marriage seminars for husbands. At the last session, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
 
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for our 5th anniversary!"
 
The priest responded. "Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"
 
Giuseppe proudly replied. "I gonna go pick her up "

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