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Len, February 16, 2010
Posted February 16, 2010
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"
"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
Q: What's the definiton of Perfect Pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.
Very good gents, very good.
David Beckham and wife have been out for a night in London and catch a cab to go home. The cabbie recognises them and asks David where they've been. "To a really nice restaurant, lovely place, great food", he says. "Which one David?", the cabbie asks, but our David can't remember the name.
"What's the name of that train station in London?" he asks the cabbie.
"Naa, not that one..."
"Kings Cross then?"
"Naa, that's not it..."
"That's it, Victoria!" says David. "Now, Victoria, what was the name of that restaurant we just went to?"
Englishman is having trouble making love to a sheep, so he goes up to Scotland to get some advice,
Stops at a farm in the borders and asks the farmer how it's done,
the farmer says, tie it's front legs to the top rail of the fence, put it's back legs in yer wellies and away you go, no prob.
The englishman unconvinced travels up to Aberdeen and asks a local farmer the same question,
the farmer says, tie it's front legs around yer neck, put it's back legs in yer wellies and away you go, no prob
the puzzled englishman says, but another farmer told me
Tie it's legs to the top rail of a fence and then put its back legs in the wellies,
The aberdeen farmer says
What, no kissing.
all the best john
Nice one John... got another for you.
A London chap decides to resign his job and buy a crofters cottage in the Highlands. It's bleak and isolated but just what he needs after the London life.
One night there's a knock at the door. A hairy highlander stands there and tells him that he lives in the cottage in the next valley. He invites him to a party the following Friday. "But I'll have to warn ye", he says, "there'll be quite a bit of drinking".
"Oh, that's no problem, I can handle my drink", says the Londoner.
"Well, you should know that there's likely to be some fightin' as well", says the Scot.
"Oh, that's fine, I can take care of myself", he replies.
"And one more thing", the Scot confides, "things could get a bit wild and there might be some dirty, dirty sex"
The Londoner winks and says "Well, I'm up for anything, I can't wait. I'll bring a few extra cases of beer!".
"I wouldn't bother too much" says the Scot, "there'll just be the two of us"
hehe I like it Len,here's another
guy buys a vintage Harley in mint condition, says to the seller, how did you keep it so pristine, he says, anytime it rains rub some vasaline on it,and gives him a tin.
that weekend he takes his girlfriend over to her parents house for their sunday dinner, he's never met them so before they go in she says her folks have a rule that no one speaks during dinner, anyone who speaks washes the dishes
when they go in the guy see's dirty dishes everywhere, along the hall, on the stairs everywhere there's dirty dishes
dinner is served and sure enough not a murmer
the guy thinks, I'll get them to say something
so he makes love to his girfriend there and then, the mom and dad go beetroot red, eyes bulging but dont say a word
he thinks must be a way to get one of them to speak
so he goes over and makes love to the mom, still not a word from the dad or his girlfriend, only red faces and teeth clenched,
finally they're on the desert and the guy thinks well no wonder the place is crammed with dirty dishes
just at that he see's some rain drops splashing on the window, thinks of his Harley and pulls out the tin of vasaline
Dad shouts out
I'll wash the dishes.
all the best,john
Posted February 17, 2010
A successful farmer from the Otago High Country died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a shepherd. Two guys, both Australians, applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the farm was doing very well. Then one day, the farmer's widow said to the shepherd, 'You have done a really good job, and the farm and the stock look great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels.' The shepherd readily agreed and went into town the very next Saturday night.
One o 'clock in the morning came, and he hadn't returned. Two o'clock and no shepherd. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the farmer's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
This was told to me by a French-Canadian fella in Timmons Ontario Canada in a thick accent.
He told it in the first person. I didn't. When I stole it.
Quebecois Jacques is "Drive da big truck" for a living.
But Jacques is getting lonesome driving around by himself.
So he think "I gonna get me a Pleace Dog"
So he stops in the first town he comes to and finds a pet store.
he asks the clerk "You got pleace dogs ?" and is told.
"I'm sorry sir but we have no German Shepherds."
"In fact all I have is this one dog and he's just a mutt."
Jacques looks at this big shaggy friendly mutt and sez.
"Him, he a good dog. I gonna buy that dog." so he does.
Along with everything he could possibly need for it.
He takes the dog outside and thinks.
"I better take this dog for a walk or he gonna poop all over my Cab."
He sees a little park in the center of the postcardy little town square and a tavern across from it.
Takes the dog ties it up to a tree for shade. with enough rope to reach the fountain for water.
Spreads pet toys out on the ground along with a food, doggy treats and chewbones.
Then goes to the tavern for some "Suds an' grub eh"
He's in there for about 20 minutes, when a cop comes in the door and asks.
"Does anyone here own a big shaggy dog tied to a tree across the street."
Jacques he sez "That's my dog eh."
the cop sez "Sir. your dogs in heat."
and Jacques he sez "No. He's not in heat. I put him in the shade."
the cop thinks for a sec then sez "Yes, but your dog wants to, you know, breed."
and Jacques he sez "No, No. He can breed I loosened his collar"
unable to think of any other way to express himself to Jacques.
The officer sez "you know your dog wants to..." followed by a crude (insert your own) gesture
And Jacques Sez "Go ahead I always wanted a Pleace dog."
Posted February 18, 2010
There's this guy.
He's never had a wife or girlfriend
He gets a well paid job semi-skilled job fresh out of high school
Lives in an apt in his parents house for free
Rides a bike so he doesn't have to pay for gas
All he has for company is a dog and a dream.
To one day own his own bar.
Years go by and finally he saves enough money to buy his own bar outright, no mortgage no debts "free and clear".
It's opening day. There are free munchies on every table and the first round is free.
There is a good steady crowd all day and the guy is washing glasses at the bar with his dog at his feet.
a fella walks up to the bar and asks the guy
" Is that dog there for security? or what?"
and the guy sez "Actually this dog can tell me what you do for a living"
they wind up betting $20 about it. Then the guy wakes his dog and points to the other guy.
The dog runs around the bar and sniffs the guy up and down.
Then he jumps up on the bar knocks over a bowl of complimentry peanuts
and lines them up into piles of 10 till he runs out of peanuts.
Jumps off the bar, runs around to the owner and lays down at his feet again.
The bartender sez to the guy "you are an accountant"
Astounded the guy pays the $20.
Another man sees this happen and again the bartender bets him and wakes the dog.
Who again sniffs the guy up and down.
This time he leaps up on the bar grabs a package of complimentry matches from a carton beside the cash register.
Walks down the bar to a guy smoking a cigar and lights the pack of matches on the cigar.
He tosses the burning matches on the floor, leaps down, lifts his leg, pee's on and extinguishes them.
Then runs back around and lays down at the bartenders feet again
The bartender says to the guy. "You're a fireman."
This guy too is astounded and pays the $20
Then a voice from the back wall shouts "I'll bet you $50 your dog can't tell you what I do"
The bartender thinks to himself. "He sounds pretty confident. but if i lose I really only lose $10."
So he bets the guy and wakes the dog and points to the new guy.
The dog walks up to the guy sniffs him up and down.
Looks back at the bartender whimpers and then sniffs the guy again.
He then jumps up on the bar howls "AAAOOO" and starts knocking drinks over and licking them up.
The he howls "AAAOOO".
He jumps down and goes from table to table eating all the free munchies.
Then he jumps back up on the bar howls "AAAOOO" again, then goes to every woman in the place.
and tries to hump each one's leg and/or climb up under their skirts for a lick.
He jumps back up on the bar Howls "AAAOOO" one last time.
Licks up the last of the drinks off the bar
Then lays down again at the bartenders feet.
The bartender stands there scratching his head for a while and finally says.
"I guess you win buddy. What do? you do for a living ?"
and the guy sez "I'm a musician"
*it was originally "I'm a truck driver" when I stole it. But musician works better for me ;^)
The Irish vs. The French
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
' Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs, amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jaysus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
Apparently an old joke but new to me...
How do you spot the Canadian in a room full of strangers?
Step on everyone's toes and see who apologizes to you.
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".
The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Dave fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?" The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
Posted February 20, 2010
five year old kid was on a sleep over at grannys house,
bursting for a piddle he runs into the bathroom just as granny is getting out of the shower
he looks round and says granny what is that,
Granny say's that's grannys hedgehog, nothing for you to be interested in.now look away
Back home a few days later
He rushes into the bathroom and his mom has just come out of the shower
he looks round and says mommy what is that
his mom says, that's mommys hedgehog,nothing for you to be interested in, now look away
somberly he says, grannys hedgehog is dead
His startled mom says, what,
he says, I saw grannys hedgehog
and its guts was hanging out.
kids, dont ya love em
Q- What is the definition of a gentleman ?
A- A man who can play an acccordian. but doesn't.
Signs that you drink too much coffee
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.
Apparently an old joke but new to me...How do you spot the Canadian in a room full of strangers?
Step on everyone's toes and see who apologizes to you.
Oh my gosh... that's so endearing! No wonder I love Canadians.
Two eldery gents were sitting on a park bench when a young girl ran past with no clothes on. One old gent had a stroke but the other couldn't reach.
As a Canadian, I resemble that remark!
God and Moses were out golfing... They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole. It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use your driver, you always slice it."
So God said, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." So he approched the ball, got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it." And God repeated, "If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it." So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water, bent over, stuck his arm in the water and picked up the ball. About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Tiger Woods!"
Posted February 21, 2010
this may not be as funny as other but i got a chuckle out of it anyways.
quick question though: are there any jokes that aren't allowed in this thread. I figgured i would ask before i posted something that's not cool on this site.
the iron man
A man walks into the welfare office to pick up his check. He starts a conversation with the woman behind the counter when he says, "I really hate doing this. I'd much rather be working."
The woman says "You're in luck! A job just came in that's perfect for you."
"Really?" The man says unenthusiastically.
"Yes. You would work for this wealthy man, live in his house, get free meals, and a room. You would have to drive his 19 year old daughter to modeling jobs, and service her every desire."
"Really!! Your ****ting me!"
The woman responds, "Well, you started it."
Posted February 24, 2010
Nice one Ironman... you asked about what jokes are acceptable, just use your common sense, nothing gross or offensive. Treat this as a crowded room full of all sorts of folks.
So Lord Randell is sitting in his mansion when there's a knock on the door. He opens the door to find a homeless guy looking for work. Lord Randell thinks about it and decides to help. He tells him that he'll give him £100 if he whitewashes the porch out the front, shows him the tins of whitewash round the back and leaves him to it.
He doesn't hear a peep out of the guy all day until at dusk, there's a knock on the door and the guy is standing there, covered in sweat and paint.
"Good job my man" says the Lord, and hands him the £100.
"Thanks very much your Lordship, much appreciated", says the man, "but just one thing, that ain't no porch out the front, that's a Ferrari"
Here's one that's REALLY stupid and doesn't work in print at all but can be a bit of fun to do to friends and/or family - especially if they're into cars:
You: Which do you reckon is faster, a Porsche Carrera GT, a Ferrari Enzo, or a Madayogi?
Your friend: "What's a Madayogi?"
You: "oh nothing, Booboo".
Two carrots are walking down the street when a bus jumps the curb and knocks one of them down. An ambulance speeds him to the hospital, where his friend waits for news outside the emergency room for hours. Finally, a doctor emerges and says to him, "You a friend of the carrot back there?"
He replies, "Yes, doctor. Will he be okay?"
The doctor says, "Well, the good news is, your friend will survive. The bad news is, he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
A guy shows up at the airport with a dead raccoon under one arm and a dead possum under the other. When he checks in for his flight he is told, “I’m sorry, sir. We only allow one item of carrion.”
Horse trots into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Bartender mixes up the drink, brings it over, looks at horse and says.
"Why the long face?"
Kangaroo hops into a bar one day, and orders a drink.
Bartender servers it up, kangaroo reaches into his pouch pulls out the money and pays for the drink.
Bartender says "We don't get many kangaroos in here."
Kangaroo replies back. "At these prices I doubt you'll get many more."
Posted February 27, 2010
I've gotten so fat this year, that last night somebody yelled "Haul ass!" and I had to make two trips.
Posted February 28, 2010
Guy goes up to a bear and asks for directions. Bear says "Well, head up this road for about..... er...... um........ er........... uh.........."
Guy waits patiently for the bear to finish but the bear's still going "....um ....er .......".
Eventually the guy gets mad and shouts at the bear, "Hey buddy, what's with the big paws".
Trucker picks up a female hitchhiker. He asks her what she does, she says "I'm a witch". Trucker says "no way, prove it". So she rubs her hand up and down his leg and he turns into a motel.
Posted March 2, 2010
I have found that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe that there are two kinds of people in the world, and those who don't.
At the annual Sexologists' Convention, the Chinese delegation stood up and said, "We have been doing research on why a man's penis is shaped the way it is, with the knob at the end. We have determined that is to give the man more pleasure."
The American delegation rose and said, "We have also been doing extensive research on the reason for the shape of a man's penis, and we have come to the conclusion that it is to give the woman more pleasure."
Then the Canadian delegation rose and said, "We have been doing extensive research on this very topic ourselves. After much experimentation and deliberation, we have determined the real reason for the shape of the man's penis. It's so his hand won't fly off it, eh."
Posted March 3, 2010
What do you call two robbers?
A pair of nickers.
Good one Jim!!!
I needed a laugh after spending an hour reading in the contest thread
The community college where my ex-husband teaches is next door to the North Carolina School for the Deaf.
One day he entered the computer lab and noticed a hearing-impaired student signing away animatedly -- but, it seemed, to no one in particular.
He asked her interpreter if the student was okay. "Oh, she's fine," said the interpreter. "She's just swearing at her computer."
My mom would blush at some of the names I have called my computer!! I am sure we have all been there!
Q- Why don't Cannibals eat clowns ?
A- They taste funny.
Posted March 4, 2010
Mary Magdalene was being stoned to death in the center of Jerusalem. Jesus appeared among the crowd and declared, "Stop! Let he among you who has no sin be the first to cast stone."
All the people walked away grumbling, except for one little old lady in the back of the crowd. She picked up the biggest rock she could carry, staggered over to where Mary Magdalene still lay on the ground, and dropped the rock on her, splattering her into the dust. Jesus turned to the old woman and said, "You know, Mom, sometimes you really piss me off."
Posted March 5, 2010
Chap walks into a crowded bar with a crocodile on a lead. Barman says "Listen mate, you can't have that thing in here, way too dangerous".
Chap says "This? Dangerous? Naa, he's as gentle as a kitten. And I'll prove it to you" So the chap whips out his manhood and places it carefully in the crocs jaws. Grabs a barstool and brings it down on the croc's head. The croc doesn't finch. Tucking himself away the guy turns to the crowd and asks "Anyone else want to try?". From the back a little old lady pipes up, "Okay sonny, I'll try it but don't hit me so hard with that barstool eh?".
Posted March 6, 2010
A man has just had a facelift and is packing up to leave his hospital room when an orderly comes in. Feeling excited about his new look, he excitedly asks her, "How old do you think I am?"
She says, "I don't know. Maybe 35?"
He proudly says, "I'm 47! I just had a facelift and I feel terrific!" He leaves the hospital and goes down the street to get a bite at McDonalds. When he gets to the register, he asks the kid behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"
The kid says, "I dunno. Maybe late 30's?"
Again, the man proudly announces, "I'm 47! I just had a facelift and I feel great!"
He leaves McDonalds and goes out to the bus stop to catch his ride home. While waiting there, a little old lady walks up and stands at the bus stop beside him. He turns to the tiny, ancient woman and says, "How old do you think I am?"
She looks up at him thru her glasses, ponders a moment, and says, "Young man, I can tell you exactly how old you are. But to do it, I'll need to slip my hand down your pants."
He thinks it's an odd request, but agrees. She puts her hand down his pants and feels around his naughty bits for several minutes. Without taking her hand out, she looks up at him and says, "You're 47."
Astonished, he says, "How did you know that?"
She replies, "Easy. I was standing behind you in line at McDonalds."
Posted March 8, 2010
A young Canadian man crosses the border into the US to buy a new suit. He walks into a men's store and tells the tailor working there, "I'd like to buy a new suit, eh."
The tailor, detecting his accent, decides he can unload one of his mistakes on the young man. He hands him a suit on a hanger and send him into the changing room. The young man emerges a few minutes later wearing the suit. "Hey, that's a great a color on you! Shall I wrap it up?" says the tailor.
The man says, "Well, I believe this one sleeve is longer than the other."
The tailor says, "Oh, it's the latest thing. You just pull it up a little, and crook your arm like this to hold it up. Looks great!"
The young man says, "But this other leg is too long as well."
The tailor says, "That's easy enough. Simply pull it up a little, and use this hand against your thigh to keep it there. You look great!"
The Canadian customer, being unfailingly polite, pays the tailor and walks out on the sidewalk wearing the suit. Two women pass him going the other way, and stop to look at him as he passes.
"Why, just look at that poor, crippled-up young man," one of the women says.
"Yes," says the other woman, shaking her head. "But doesn't his suit fit nice!"
Posted March 9, 2010
There was a hippie on the bus sat next to a nun. He leaned over and says "alright love, fancy a shag?". The nun repiles "oh no, I am saving myself for God, sorry". She gets up and leaves the bus, much to the dissappointment of the hippie. As he gets off the bus the driver says to him "oi mate, I know how you can bag her. go to the cemetary at 7.30pm on Tuesday evenings dressed as God, she's always there, that'll do the trick".
So the hippie turns up at the cemetary the next Tuesday dressed in a long white robe with fake flowing facial hair. The nun - stunned at the appearance of her lord - agrees to the act under the condition that they stick to anal sex so she save herself for God.
After they're finished, the hippie rips off his disguise and declares "haha, I am the hippie!". The nun replies: "haha, I am the bus-driver!"
Glad We Have Chapstick...
The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."
"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."
Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
Posted March 11, 2010
Did you hear about the gigolo with leprosy?
He did really well until his business fell off.
Did you hear the one about the truck driver who swerved to avoid a child and fell out of bed ?
He was dreaming.
And then there was the circumcising doctor who slipped and got the sack.
When I was circumcised, I saved the skin and had it made into watchband. When I rub it, it turns into a belt.
What - TMI?
Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
This is not a joke. It's a true story. A friend of mine went to an acoustic jam last night and brought his five year old son. A guy there was playing a mandolin and the boy asked his father what the instrument was. His dad said, "It's a mandolin." The boy thought about it for a moment before replying, "You mean, like a violin for guys?"
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