Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 

 

This message will be removed once you have signed in.

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
SatanInventedBras

Limericks 4

123 posts in this topic

A certain ex-governor’s attacks

Are unhampered by logic or facts.

Her rantin’ and ravin’

Leave me with a cravin’...

To give her a couple good whacks.

Does she slay Mama Grizzlies, I wonder?

This modern day Queen of the Tundra

Or does she just kill

The language at will...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Does she slay Mama Grizzlies, I wonder?

This modern day Queen of the Tundra

Or does she just kill

The language at will...

And is she clean-shaven down under?

A woman from Kalamazoo

Had an amazing tattoo

From the top of her back

And way into her crack ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman from Kalamazoo

Had an amazing tattoo

From the top of her back

And way into her crack ..

Was the face of each man that she knew

She neither admired nor abhorred them

Just needed somewhere she could store them

Lest she forget

She came to regret

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She neither admired nor abhorred them

Just needed somewhere she could store them

Lest she forget

She came to regret

Forgetting she couldn't afford them

The young girl was cutting my hair

When she stuck one long leg in the air

But the sight of her crotch

was really too much

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The young girl was cutting my hair

When she stuck one long leg in the air

But the sight of her crotch

was really too much

And her prices were really unfair

The hair I once loved was now gone

But I paid her and left the salon

Bald as an egg

I'd taken her leg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The hair I once loved was now gone

But I paid her and left the salon

Bald as an egg

I'd taken her leg

Leaving with future threat to bomb

So on my way through the Heartland

I joined a traveling bluegrass band

They had a sweet tune

Based loosely on Lorna Doone...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So on my way through the Heartland

I joined a traveling bluegrass band

They had a sweet tune

Based loosely on Lorna Doone...

On banjo, played with one hand.

In Kansas we pulled into Reading

To play an outdoor bluegrass wedding

In a field of sunflowers

We waited for hours

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

In Kansas we pulled into Reading

To play an outdoor bluegrass wedding

In a field of sunflowers

We waited for hours

Until it was time to check out the bedding

This morning the weather was freezing

My breathing was more like wheezing

No heat in the hall

And ice on the wall

...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This morning the weather was freezing

My breathing was more like wheezing

No heat in the hall

And ice on the wall

Those frosties entailed painful tweezing.

I just got a cable from Sally

"The Euro's attempting a rally!"

With the greenback in flight

And a Greek deal in sight

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just got a cable from Sally

"The Euro's attempting a rally!"

With the greenback in flight

And a Greek deal in sight

The FTSE's up out of Death Valley!"

The hard news and comedy shows

Are tightly entwined, Heaven knows!

To Colbert and Stewart

The Fox crawl alert

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The hard news and comedy shows

Are tightly entwined, Heaven knows!

To Colbert and Stewart

The Fox crawl alert

Yields pay dirt where no one else goes

There once was a farmer named Enos

Whose grapevines lay east of Salinas

One belt of his Pinot

I woke up in Reno

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There once was a farmer named Enos

Whose grapevines lay east of Salinas

One belt of his Pinot

I woke up in Reno

Hooked up to a gin intravenous

The judge gave me thirty to life

For killing my brother's new wife

But in my defense

She hadn't the sense

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There once was a farmer named Enos

Whose grapevines lay east of Salinas

One belt of his Pinot

I woke up in Reno

in a bed that wasn't the cleanest

I wish I could say that I was alone

I wish that I knew where I'd left my phone

I hope that this boudoir

stays off the radar...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A tad late, Greg. No worries though.

I wish I could say that I was alone

I wish that I knew where I'd left my phone

I hope that this boudoir

stays off the radar...

Too late! Her husband's come home!

The judge gave me thirty to life

For killing my brother's new wife

But in my defense

She hadn't the sense

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The judge gave me thirty to life

For killing my brother's new wife

But in my defense

She hadn't the sense

That God gave a dull paring knife

Her body was slick as a porpoise

I buried that leaky old corpus

It should've stayed hidden

But somehow it didn't

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Her body was slick as a porpoise

I buried that leaky old corpus

It should've stayed hidden

But somehow it didn't

Rising up like charlotte russe

A shallow grave covered with leaves

Fully exposed by the frost heaves

The golden retriver did not linger

Making off With the lady's finger

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A shallow grave covered with leaves

exposed by the frost heaves

The golden retriver did not linger

Making off With the lady's finger

A sloppy crime seldom deceives!

Said the feminist mom to her progeny

In this world there is too much misogyny

Be a man who respects

The opposite sex

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Said the feminist mom to her progeny

In this world there is too much misogyny

Be a man who respects

The opposite sex

Be a new branch of human phylogeny

I would dance on the grave of my wife

But the bitch keeps on clinging to life

She knows very well

She makes my life hell ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would dance on the grave of my wife

But the bitch keeps on clinging to life

She knows very well

She makes my life hell

And is better at twisting the knife

She was singing the song "Hallelujah"

That first night we met in Missoula

She was bad, it was clear

But I had a tin ear

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She was singing the song "Hallelujah"

That first night we met in Missoula

She was bad, it was clear

But I had a tin ear

So she didn't sound too peculiar

But she was a feast to my eyes

Even though she was double my size

I'd love to get lost

And tumbled and tossed ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

She was singing the song "Hallelujah"

That first night we met in Missoula

She was bad, it was clear

But I had a tin ear

And a love of woman named Beulah

Met a woman named Dinah, man could she blow

On the horn all night, it was go go go

Be it on the bugle

Or even the fulgle

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But she was a feast to my eyes

Even though she was double my size

I'd love to get lost

And tumbled and tossed

So I dove in with three other guys

The orgy went on unabated

As the flesh of her thighs undulated

I fought for position

But failed at the mission

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Met a woman named Dinah, man could she blow

On the horn all night, it was go go go

Be it on the bugle

Or even the fulgle

She would take it too fast when I wanted it slow

The orgy went on unabated

As the flesh of her thighs undulated

I fought for position

But failed at the mission

There's no way that girl could be sated

My ego was crushed to the core

Every trick in the book, and some more

But, try as I might

That girl's appetite

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My ego was crushed to the core

Every trick in the book, and some more

But, try as I might

That girl's appetite

Left no choice but the Krispy Kreme store

Where I bought her a few dozen glazed

Which she ate with her hunger unfazed

One more dozen filled

Which she expertly killed

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Where I bought her a few dozen glazed

Which she ate with her hunger unfazed

One more dozen filled

Which she expertly killed.

I guess it's the way she was raised

The Superbowl game is today

The Giants and Patriots play

We Brits don't much care

What goes on over there ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Superbowl game is today

The Giants and Patriots play

We Brits don't much care

What goes on over there

Except when it gets in our way

Tom Brady is favored to win

But Gisele thinks a pickle, he's in

To ensure he won't fail

She sent an email

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tom Brady is favored to win

But Gisele thinks a pickle, he's in

To ensure he won't fail

She sent an email

That's in God's recycling bin

I ate a delicious cream scone

If you wanted some, too late, it's gone

Strawberries too

But none left for you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I ate a delicious cream scone

If you wanted some, too late, it's gone

Strawberries too

But none left for you

But no worries, I've saved you the bone

An old woman who boarded our bus

Soon decided to sit next to us

She said we looked kind

And unlikely to mind

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

An old woman who boarded our bus

Decided to sit next to us

She said we looked kind

And unlikely to mind

That her sores wear pouring out pus

I knew I was gonna be sick

Shoulda sat by the good looking chic

But I thought she would care

About the lice in my hair

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I knew I was gonna be sick

Shoulda sat by the good looking chic

But I thought she would care

About the lice in my hair

And my strange uncontrollable tic

Though some women find it appealing

It gets a few ladies to reeling

I never know which

'Til my face starts to twitch

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Though some women find it appealing

It gets a few ladies to reeling

I never know which

'Til my face starts to twitch

Then I'm scraping them down off the ceiling

I had finished my "honey-do" list

But felt sure there was something I'd missed

I was checking it through

As I sat on the loo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Though some women find it appealing

It gets a few ladies to reeling

I never know which

'Til my face starts to twitch

And by then she's already screaming

I was once in a playgirl book

Till I found out my girlfriend looked

It didn't show my face

She knew it was me anyway

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had finished my "honey-do" list

But felt sure there was something I'd missed

I was checking it through

As I sat on the loo

'Cause forgetting crap sure gets her pissed

I was once in a playgirl book

Till I found out my girlfriend looked

It didn't show my face

She knew it was me anyway

Not every dick comes with a hook

I take my guitar down to Brighton

The locals down there need enlightening

But when I start to play

They all walk away

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I take my guitar down to Brighton

The locals down there need enlightening

But when I start to play

They all walk away

So I know that my g-string needs tightening

I can play acid house on kazoo

A trick that few people can do

I build up the beat

By stamping my feet

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can play acid house on kazoo

A trick that few people can do

I build up the beat

By stamping my feet

It's great until I need the loo

There once was a man made of snow

Whose coal eyes started to glow

His will got stronger

As his carrot got longer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

There once was a man made of snow

Whose coal eyes started to glow

His will got stronger

As his carrot got longer

'Til it wilted from too much Bordeaux.

Ah, Jinxie, you're subtle by no means

Your claws have dug clear through these old jeans

Your cat box is clean

I suppose this must mean

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ah, Jinxie, you're subtle by no means

Your claws have dug clear through these old jeans

Your cat box is clean

I suppose this must mean

Smelly treasures lay somewhere unseen

A big ginger showed up at my door

Where he let out a mighty cat roar

When he gave me a grin

I let that puss in

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A big ginger showed up at my door

Where he let out a mighty cat roar

When he gave me a grin

I let that puss in

And he offered me a shake of the paw

Last week I saw a fox on the roof

Of next door’s shed, it’s the truth

Curled up in the sun

From nine until one

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Last week I saw a fox on the roof

Of next door’s shed, it’s the truth

Curled up in the sun

From nine until one

But alas, I haven't the proof

See, just as I went for my camera

I was attacked by a ten foot chimera

He chewed up my shoe

Look here! See, it's true

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

See, just as I went for my camera

I was attacked by a ten foot chimera

He chewed up my shoe

Look here! See, it's true

I'm a clueless, shoeless, ss...stammerer

The renowned beast of Bodmin Moor

Came a-sniffing around at my door

He came in for tea

But then needed a wee

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The renowned beast of Bodmin Moor

Came a-sniffing around at my door

He came in for tea

But then needed a wee

Turns out the old beast was a boor

He droned on and on about peasants

How most of them tasted unpleasant

They say it's their diet

But I just don't buy it

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He droned on and on about peasants

How most of them tasted unpleasant

They say it's their diet

But I just don't buy it

It's likely due to a lack of deodourant

I once knew a woman named Charlotte

Was rumored as quite the harlot

She was often boisterous

As a "hostess with the mostess"...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I once knew a woman named Charlotte

Was rumored as quite the harlot

She was often boisterous

As a "hostess with the mostess"...

As she served her male guests in the car lot

There once was a farmer named Phil

Who sowed all his fields with dill

His wife was quite tickled

When she found his dill pickled

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But alas, I haven't the proof

Actually I have :)

IMG_1373xx.jpg

There once was a farmer named Phil

Who sowed all his fields with dill

His wife was quite tickled

When she found his dill pickled

So she displayed it on the front window sill

Ronald was light on his feet

As he sauntered fast down the street

Distracted by a herb

He tripped on the kerb

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But alas, I haven't the proof

Actually I have :)

IMG_1373xx.jpg

Sweet.

Ronald was light on his feet

As he sauntered fast down the street

Distracted by a herb

He tripped on the kerb

Of the herb? Well old Ron would not speak

I went to a shindig for singles

Content for a while to just mingle

Until she walked in

Wearing nothing but sin

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I went to a shindig for singles

Content for a while to just mingle

Until she walked in

Wearing nothing but sin

And a rather advanced case of shingles

So what's the deal now with Santorum?

It looks like the Midwest is for him.

So Iowa's no fluke

This guy kills in Dubuque

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So what's the deal now with Santorum?

It looks like the Midwest is for him.

So Iowa's no fluke

This guy kills in Dubuque

En masse, they're all dying of boredom

But SuperPacs wait in the wings

Still planning to crown their man king

Mitt Romney's their pick

And their ads will inflict

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But SuperPacs wait in the wings

Still planning to crown their man king

Mitt Romney's their pick

And their ads will inflict

Bombast to make my ears ring

I don't get this thing about cupcakes

They're everywhere now, fer chrissakes!

Del Mar to Waukegan

in hi-test or vegan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't get this thing about cupcakes

They're everywhere now, fer chrissakes!

Del Mar to Waukegan

in hi-test or vegan

I get more to eat from a snowflake

Give me a layered spumoni

Or a creamy and crunchy cannoli

A warm creme brulee

Is better, I say

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Give me a layered spumoni

Or a creamy and crunchy cannoli

A warm creme brulee

Is better, I say

Then a feather in your cap, and eating macaroni

There once was a dog named Bingo

Met a bitch who was a Dingo

They soon had a litter

which gave him the jitters

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.