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ironynotlost

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About ironynotlost

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  1. ironynotlost

    Here I Go Again

    Wow! Thank you for your feedbacks! I’ll use the editor to see how I change it. Maybe you can say better or not, if you return. Spanish Buddha I’d like to further inquire your statements, not to take exception but to clarify or show you my thinking. I’m not sure it helps because reading a lyric is pretty immediate - isn’t it. This kind of threw me. Maybe it's better to say..... Sunset - It's her I won't forget.................. to keep in third person like the above verses. Either that or change it to "you" in the verses. Good point. Since the main character is talking for the most part, and has just said I see it in her eyes, I thought that this sounded like his thought process and seemed to flow. I know the general rule is as you say. But doesn’t it’s her not sound like his thinking at that point? Did it really trip you up? I don’t want that. Anybody else get thrown off the horse there? This line is awkwardly worded Yeah, good point. How about I edit that. I wasn’t sure about came to a start, but would call it a random line. (I know right? But country has conjoined somewhat). 9thstline Too many hearts. Can’t help the choruses. But I got rid of the one in the line Spanish Buddha brought up. You won my heart says on the card. I used that because there is a song called, “You Won My Heart.” So he could be doing a cover or original. Maybe if I change even more, as you have suggested, it will eliminate the hearts in the chorus. It is supposed to be a kind of romantic take, though. That is the point that I’m not sure got across. (Although, there is no way to know who read what, at what speed, re-read, delved, etc. - BTW, I was pretty happily surprised with this level of input, so maybe more than I think). Anyway, the basic thing is that this guy/singer has been around the block. He’s had affairs (we all know that is certain, because almost every level of performer gets responses from the opposite or other sex - unless they are hideous and then still does). He’s a bit of a romantic. This doe-eyed bird might be his dream girl. Hence he sees the sunrise in her eyes and sunset means he won’t forget. Maybe this time will be a lasting thing. His heart goes from sunrise/eternal love to surprise to sunset to a not so great dream, with a slice of egg-face pie - - to stay .... or go. It’s hyperbole but romance can be or not be too too to be, errrrr (that is the question?). I liked your other suggestions. Beer sign. Ha ha. (Yeah, maybe bar lights). No really I like those, but does it jive? I mean, would it fit the story of the singer/guitarist serious situation. Or would it make too much lightness (of the laughingly, seriousness material). And maybe it all takes you out of the club, but it isn’t celebrating the bar as much as 1) Lonely or longing performer 2) New hope - which he falls for again as a romantic sort (probably should look outside a club) 3) Dashed and crushed with a twist of lemon and a cherry on top 4) Is relieved of full letdown by the comedic end and can-do or cannot do . . . Do you take these woman, if they so choose? I don’t - this time. Sigh. I would but I’m looking form something more. Besides she already gave me the scoop. Instead of all your words, I think I’d just slow the music down at the the end there and punch the lines. I think that by this time he ditched the love aspect and went on to considering a bit of kinkiness. But instinctively, not really. It is worded nicely though. And I don’t know that you aren’t more in tune than I. Re-write it if you can. Collab it. At the end, Now I know this time. Love won't stay Nah, this time.....Love sure.....won't stay. Barney boy Took out “that.” I wrestled originally but thought it gave a feeling of not just any Friday. Should I say “Last Friday” to make it more in the present (and maybe real-ish). But I blew chord changes................Not a very good transition from line above. Lost my foot and staging.......Do you really need these lines 4 and 5? They really add nothing and are awkwardly written. I don’t see why it is not a good transition? It flows rhythmically and (can you almost hear the notes?); it produces some conflict/tension, proves that singer is distracted/attracted, with a little slapstick appeal (I hope). I came up with the line of foot/staging because of something about performers tapping feet in time (to focus AND appearance) and knowing where their feet are on the stage. So, I feel they are deserved color that move the story line. My picking I'm just saying.......... An obvious forced rhyme line not working for me. Can’t be you don’t like the picking, I think. I’m just saying is something people say a lot, I’m just saying. So how is it a forced rhyme? It has a sound of bragging with a tag of self deprecation, I thought. Still, we’re varied. And it might help to hear the music (or hinder ). You fall in a girl’s eyes when you are going to the (overused) heart area. Hence, then you fall in love. Men fall in love through through our (their) eyes. Okay, you ever been so taken with an dream girl or guy, that you felt a little dizzy or like you’re falling? That is where that came from. You may be right, though. I find that some randomness is good in lyrics. You see it all the time - purposely, or for a throw away line, for fun, for purely the sound, etc. I understand that some like things exact too. These are all the hard calls to make in songwriting, aren’t they? But I don’t know for sure. That’s why this forum can be helpful. Thank you. You’re right about the chorus. Maybe it is too far NOT hitting the head of the nail. I’ll mention here that the chorus is really low key. This song is about the story more so than the big lift or all that. Maybe I have to rethink that too. It has an excitement .. mellowly like Margarittaville maybe. You didn’t like most of that 2nd to last verse. Maybe you’re on to something. But it does bridge the narrative so that he isn’t jumping from playing to going to meet the lady. The unstrapping gets him started with maybe resolution. It shows that he feels the woman may have interest in him because she chose the song (little known, I’ll venture) “you won my heart.” He has to have something propelling him, right? He announced a break (presumed), ditched his guitar, parts the sea of partiers at the same time as ordering drinks from the barkeep. Action. Determined, directed action. Thanks for the twist comment, as well as all your comments. Remember, I’m not trying to resist but improve. It’s really difficult to go that far without other forms of communication, because it gets so wordy. Maybe it’s not a good sign that there are that many comments, although some seemed to like a few things about it. I wonder if it’s even close to being good enough to bother improving it? Good enough idea, set-up? Joe Vicas Way cool. I don’t know for sure. I looked it up and there is a performer called Way Cool, Jr. There are many references to it, and the urban dictionary mentions it, although it didn’t seem to have high ratings. Maybe I should just say so cool. I use way cool, but I am a dork - which I’m not sure should be used either. No, it’s okay - I heard it on The Big Bang Theory. Thanks for mentioning it. You were right that the other comments covered a lot. Thanks all! Reply if not overwhelmed already. I know, I know . . . 🙄 We all know that editing can go on and on. Have to let it marinade. In the end, I think it’s like writing the music. It’s mostly intuitive and/or feeling. And you have to feel without the benefit of hearing the music - which I have. It’s pretty fast, by the way which makes it less wordy seeming. There’s plenty as long and longer. It does have to be good enough, though. It’s good to be stretched and inspired higher. PS. I’m not sure if people got it that the sunrise/sunset lines are not just supposed to be descriptive (they are), but are supposed to communicate albeit subconsciously, that he might see himself in this cycle with that woman. You know .. spending days, nights - greeting morning light, etc.
  2. ironynotlost

    She's only watching the clock

    Verse 1 You ask her out to dance You know there is no chance, ‘cause She’s only watching the clock She’s only watching the clock Still you feel you have to try Though you know she’l make you cry again She stopped your love at a road block She stopped you with a block She stopped your love at a road block Stopped your love at a road block Just a couple things there. I thought that this has great ideas. Some of it sounds like fiction writing ... I mean, like, it needs condensing and refining. The good news is that you’ve done the hardest work. I didn’t try “hearing” it musically, so I might be wrong - first impression.
  3. ironynotlost

    Wouldn't have it any other way

    Maybe?: Although the nights seem dark long And some days look gray I'll embrace face this road I walk Wouldn't have it any other way And rise so fine to another way Nobody’s No-one can make me bend [To take my will]Nobody's gonna Can make me kneel
  4. ironynotlost

    Here I Go Again

    Hello. I think this is pretty complete, but if anyone has anything that might add to it - I’m grateful. Or you might think it’s incomplete too. Maybe too another day too. I don’t know. It just came out as countrified, so to speak. Anyway, I’m thinking the card mentioned in the 3rd verse and is referred to in the 4th verse might be forgotten in the interim. In a club environment, I don’t think that would matter too much or maybe they’ll be so enthralled (😏) that they follow the plot. I tried to have both ideas in the 3rd verse, I’d have to string it out (and music might be overly strung out with pretty many words) - I’m not sure of this, or if it needs to be done. Thanks for any feedback.
  5. ironynotlost

    Here I Go Again

    Here I Go Again That Friday night I saw her coming Ladies' night this place is humming As I'm strumming out on my guitar But I blew chord changes Lost my foot and staging When she waded into Whiskey Creek Bar She's taking in my playing My picking I'm just saying Her smile went out a country mile Then teasing with a friend She turned to me again As she's nodding to my soulful style Chorus 1 My heart So high ... Here I go again Sunrise ... I see it in her eyes Sunset ... You I won't forget This time ... It won't have to end Well things are getting down And I'm taking in the crowd And following her brown, doe eyes Until my heart it caught a spark 'Cause she wrote down on a card And walked it to the tipping jar Chorus 1 My heart So high ... Here I go again Sunrise ... I see it in her eyes Sunset ... You I won't forget This time ... It won't have to end Break .. time unstrapping my guitar You won my heart says on the card I squeeze my way across the floor And never miss a beat As I'm hailing 'Hey barkeep Hank bring us drinks then bring some more' (Short music break) I pull up to their table 'Evening ladies thinking maybe We could share a laugh, a drink or two?' She said, 'Your playing is way cool My name is Sue and Pearl right here is my date Do you take requests or is it too late?' Chorus 2 My heart So high ... There I go again Surprise ... They see it in my eyes Sunset ... You I won't forget This time ... It'll have to end It'll have to end? Nah ... it'll have to end
  6. ironynotlost

    Here I Go Again

    Retract delete for lack of interest- Sorry and thank you
  7. Thank you for your excellent efforts and years spent! Will look for you on Facebook. Wishing you every success in your new direction! Bernie Faulkner

  8. ironynotlost

    Some Like it Cold

    What're you so afraid of, a girl who is too bold? Possibility?: (because "a girl who is too bold" might sound sing songy and could sound more conversational): What you are afraid of, this girl being so bold. I've always been a wild one Possibility?: I've always been a wild thing ("Cause you make my heart sing") Got a fire burning hot Possibility?: With a fire burning hot Never wanted a chill pill Possibility?: Never want a chill pill Because I really love what I got But, I can also be real sweet Possibility?: But sometimes I can levitate Chorus Some like it hot, but you like it cold...yeah, you like it cold Yeah, you want it cold I'll leave it there. Just some other ideas. I want to say that you really have something good going here - I feel strongly. I agree that it can be made edgier and maybe even growl - if that be your wish. You've got the bone and sinew, though. Great Work!
  9. ironynotlost

    No Worries

    Thanks for your input R-N-R Jim, I see what you're saying and can agree, actually, at face value with some of your comments. I think your hatchets to the intro are appropriate, if you don't know that that section is an introduction ... like a setup (I said this in another post). It is slow and melodic with the sudden, tempo jump "Now I've been walking, etc." I can see that you are seasoned writer and believe in taking no prisoners, and as novice as you believe I am (because of the Seuss comment - I liked that) I have to leave these in for now. I mean ... I agree in theory, but I think the intro gives you information that saves guessing later. It's true that they could be cut, but now I have to work that into the rest of the song anyway to complete the thought. Maybe that is possible and it would be better, but it hasn't occurred to me yet. That "I've been walking" part builds to the "I miss my life tonight." It also shows some mystery beginning, because of the issue that no one is hearing this person (who is probably quite a sight and presence, being at hometown and a movie star). Maybe there is a better way of saying that this is taking place in a town. If there was a town name that fit, I'd be interested perhaps. But hometown does have an economy of words. I don't purposely try to rhyme and believe that is passe and unnecessary, but that it is passe to think you have to not rhyme. It's really about communicating first, I feel. I try to make it sound good - first (then edit, of course). I can see how you think it is jumbled. I talked about the bridge in another post. Two lines are musically different than the other two, as the words seem a little awkward, too. It may be that it changes, but I will wait for the musicians or producers (if/when) to see if they can make it work. I really think we have to go with our gut - finally. This whole thing is ... maybe .. kind of montagish; but I have seen them much more scribbled that sound incredible. The bridge can be understood when you think of visions and flashbacks that accompany the present reality and why she looks sad (changed from feels sad, to help feeling of removal from the encore thing, and the encore is encore back to life, by the way). I liked your pun. Maybe it could have more life. I will wait to be haunted into it, or for production time - you know, the performers who might evolve it further (again if/when). I liked your song, "Gone to Be With God." I thought it was Lucy Diamonds at first. You do well for a jack-of-all trades! A lot of work! Thanks for sharing your work.
  10. ironynotlost

    Cleopatra

    Well done BHJ! Can't add much either. I don't think it matters where she wandered off - she drove off in her muscular car. A flighty situation and characters. But I agree with Ron that it's better to have the reader aware she has left the theater. See below fot a possible idea. Could say?: ... where she said that we might bed. (That is, if you agree with Ron here about "wed" being a stretch, which I agree) She with allure and the casino (lure looked fishy, you know, like you might find in a moat :lol:/> -- but you still get the lure, anyway) (Or with morass of the casino :P/> ) Took off with my money while I slept Now it's four a.m. in this hotel Which being two star at its best The air conditioner's broke (like you are now, or air condition don't work - like your life - or even more suffocating - the air conditioner choked :(/> ) etc. Good work man!
  11. ironynotlost

    Blade after Blade

    I like it. It's fun. If you were going to develop ideas you might build in more laughs considering how dumb keeping lawns up is in the first place - considering the level of drought (and more widespread to come), cost, and it's silly emulation of medieval elite. I mean what the bleep? Are we still pretending we are all wealthy royalty? No offense to property owners who relish their plot, but ... really, there are so many more imaginative, efficient, colorful and decorative schemes for a beautiful yard. Thanks for sharing your work, Mick70.
  12. ironynotlost

    No Worries

    BHJ Yeah, I struggled with using moat - looked to see other lyrics which included it, but looking again I see none that use it except as a castle type moat or as a straight up metaphor (like moat around heart). I liked the sense of separation, but maybe there's better. Also, I had seen it as synonym for trench, ditch, culvert, etc. I'll just use ditch, unless someone has a better idea. The phrase is really supposed to be an echo-like voice for embellishment, so it can be omitted or altered. I like to get the singer's improvs and suggestions, anyway. I'll go with ditch, for now. Thanks. Believe me though, I did edit a lot. Maybe it has to be heard to get the sense of it. The bridge might seem sort of halting, but I think it will play out interestingly musically in congruence to the ambiance of the whole song. There'll be some workings for the instrumentalists, singers, producers, etc. I used the coat as metaphor that also aids the sense/image of leaving the body, as well as reinforcing the subjects confusion and shock. She's lost more than her coat. By the way, the scriptures of Krishna (and probably others) likened leaving the body to removing one's clothes. I realize that not everyone is familiar with that, but I think it works even without that aspect, because of the suddeness, disorientation and, perhaps, desparation to cling to the familiar. It also, I think, inspires empathy and/or sympathy which amplify the emotional impact.
  13. ironynotlost

    No Worries

    Yeah Nick, Thanks for your comments. I find that it doesn't sound busy, when I play it - if it looks that way. It even clocks in a little fast without the outro, esp. because it really is a pleasing melody, I feel. I heard or read that hip hop and rap have widened the allowances for wordiness.
  14. ironynotlost

    Honey

    Hello LyriCAL, I like this much!! I agree with Mike that it doesn't need to be stolen from the bees. Is this supported or workable - Like honey. From the bumblebees. Bumble might sound clumsy, but might also bring a little wildness and uncertainty. I think it has commercial value. Subtle while sensual, suggestive - which I feel to be more appealing than overt sexuality in the context you have developed. Umm, I might have the Saturday dragging the ground and might have walkers as "Some folks look lost not to be found." (Thus, you might empty pockets to some panhandling. It contrasts more angularly and heightens warmness and color of what's coming up his street. Also, gives foreshadow of tone to follow when face slapped, later) Walkers remind me of the assistive device. I know you have the story it's based from, but do you want to make it more relateable (maybe it already IS or ... it isn't supposed to be - or I am amiss on something at this time). Just some thoughts. Great work! Pours her secrets all over me like honey -- Go goo goo for that! -INL-
  15. ironynotlost

    No Worries

    Hi Carl, Thanks for you thoughtful response, compliments and encouragement. The intro is sung. It is major and gentle before predictable minor, popping up tempo and intensity (think All Yours by Eclipse, if familiar). Wasn't sure if section was verse or pre-chorus, so I left it blank. Bird sings. I sound-pictured a female singing, which also goes better with a bird. The flight metaphor goes with the body/soul separation thing and reinforced 'as the smoke drifts above .. etc. I do have the song in my head, with lyrics/chords/notes filed. Would love to hear a good indie band or production. Has a great melody and hooks. Bird broken free - it's about the metaphor of separation .. flight of the spirit - which I've heard can be pretty disconcerting for a while, and more so for those who are way attached because of identification and/or unresolved issues. Broken free shows action, drama, wrenching away, pain/loss, etc... perhaps. I hoped for a sense of the feeling of the person's paradoxical view of a vision/experience of their freeing flight, which is flagging into earth-bounded at the same time. She is seeing/having another dimensional experience, which perhaps is a separation of finer subtle bodies co-existing on different planes. Or you could say, she sees her spirit going one direction, while still going another. (That doesn't mean that I think that dying is the way to freedom, just a transition - life is our greatest opportunity, I feel.) Yeah, I like that as another title too. I wasn't sure people would see the relationship in the tag. Yeah, you got it. Thanks again!
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