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Snabbu last won the day on May 25

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  1. Snabbu

    Goodnight Texas, Goodnight Carolina

    Hi Steven The lyric is just FAB. The only thing is the decision to mess with the chorus in the last iteration. I can see why you've done it like talking to yourself as you drift off. I am just not sure it's the best choice. To me it's like a Willie Nelson type feel. If I look at the underlying feel of the lyric it's one of regret at wasted time or opportunities a sort of not having reached potential but kind of resigned to that. So the feel is definitely not bright happy major chord structure and scale. It is also not super sad minor key stuff. Because he's resigned to it. So it's probably suited to Lydian mode. If you haven't written the music yet if you look up the chords and scale notes for this mode just play around with it and see if the feel is right before actually writing the melody. Like does this chord under this line of lyric feel real type of thing. And if you need help getting your head around this because it sounds complex but it isn't its just fashionable for musicians to make it sound like black magic. I can give you some really easy to follow resources so you know what your chord choices are and what order they go in. Just as an example say were in the key of F and your not playing any tricky games your just doing it straight. So to tell the listener what the key is by starting with the F chord you can then go from that chord to any of the following F Gm Am Bb C Dm so you would say ok under this line I really like to go to C. You then have a choice for your next change to go to Am or Dm or F whichever feels the best under your lyric. And you progress from there. Once you have your basic chord sequence that supports the lyric story you can then tweak it by altering the chords. Perhaps you Am becomes an Am7 because it feels more in tune with the lyric. Cheers Gary
  2. Snabbu

    This Godforsaken Place

    Hi Billy I like the fact that this song has a reason to exist so the song idea for me is solid and worth persuing. You have a scansion issue in the verses which is reflected in the edits suggested by Paul which address these rhythmic issues. And his edits are the same as what I would have done with exception of "Smugglers filling hopes" where I would have had "Smugglers filled our heads" I have a concern about the form, like the bridge, should it have one? is the content right? why does it follow a verse instead of being sandwiched in between two choruses and does it segue in and out smoothly. There has also been a concern from Mike about it dragging musically and my instinct tells me that it will. So I've got to look for the obvious cause of that which is rhyming couplets but your rhyme scheme Is XAXA so that's not the cause, I do see that the rhyme scheme for the chorus is exactly the same this is an issue of contrast and will cause it to drag. There is the progressive chorus, doing story telling in a chorus is a risk of bogging the song down, if that happens you might have to ditch the progressive. The third thing is there is no contrast as to feel the whole thing is written stable, yet the story is suited to unstable. So for contrast I feel an unstable non progressive chorus is a must. The chorus probably should express the emotion created by the facts set out in the verses. The final thing is I am not convinced your decision to use an eternal march of perfect rhyme as the rhyme type of choice. It seems too Cat/mat for this story. I feel the work would be improved by using less than perfect rhymes. It just makes it feel not a genuine story. Its too settled. Cheers Gary
  3. Snabbu

    Twelve Monkeys

    Hi Mike I like it being called 12 monkeys. And it matters not if theres been a stage play, a musical drama, or a brand of peanut butter called that before, all that matters in that regard is is it "old hat" which it isn't. I like it being call 12 monkeys because when I get to line 3 verse one I get a slight smile, aha! Monkey puzzle. So I immediately look at the same place in verse two looking for nuts or around or even Micky Dolenze and Peter Tork but it's not there, cause it don't fit with the story I guess. So I don't know if it's just my weird sense of humour but it's like a secret embedded joke. Because of the structure being quite non standard I think this has to be prog rock to work. I really like the twisted cliche at the end, it's cool in a Jim Steinman sort of way. This is not really fresh and crisp "Is it the end of the beginning Or the beginning of the end?" But it's not old and stale limp lettuce either and in the context of what goes before it I think it works well in this setting. This is one of those that there is enough wriggle room to put your own interpretation as to meaning, like sub plots. I mean I just got out of bed because I couldn't sleep I had the radio on and it was so depressing that I switched it off and got up and had coffee and cigarettes. But as an example they were talking about the massive change to your life when something happens to your partner and you have to become a carer, specifically one guy was talking about Motor Neurone Disease, so this morning this could be about that if you wanted it too be. So for me that's a big plus. Look forward to the music. I'm kind of happy now that, by lyric post you have now put yourself in the same position as me, that is having to come up with something interesting and progressively out there to make the lyric shine. It's always better when you know someone else is suffering too. 😀 Cheers Gary
  4. Snabbu


    Hi Steven Hiding in here is a dam good song. The lyric is exceptional. For most part the melody is OK not fabulous but serviceable, and good enough to carry the lyric. After one critical listen listening only for problems this is what I hear. General comments. The drums are a distraction of course. I am not convinced that the arrangement/ treatment of the song is the best choice. I am wondering about prosody as for most part the music is quite jaunty and up beat and that doesn't quite gel with the song story. Specific points. The melody: I think there is too much space around the melody at the head of the verse. In the second stanza of the verse you don't do this and to me it sounds a lot better. There is a note at the end of the chorus from memory which is not resolved at all and sounds wrong. If you want to do a creative thing there do it on the second last note, so that the brain goes that's not what I expected then resolve to the tonic, so the brain got oh that's ok now. The harmony: Is part of the prosody issue and it's the choice of chord colour that is bothering me, I am not saying this should be in a minor key necessarily but maybe in a mode that is less cheerful. I can never remember the mode names but you can look it up. What DAW are you using? I ask this in regard to the percussion track. I think if you start from a reference track like just pick someone you like and start thinking about the song in the terms of the sound of that track. as a starting point guide. Then rebuild it. You can always get someone to do the parts your not good at on a site like compoz or even here. I feel this is worth putting a lot more work into, and that the results would be really good. Cheers Gary
  5. Hi Johnny Welcome I had a listen and have a few thoughts but unfortunately I think your supposed to critique two works of others here before posting a work so I can't comment. Good luck with it Cheers Gary
  6. Snabbu

    'Til Daybreak

    Hi JM I commented on this lyric somewhere about three or four months ago and I really liked it a lot, I remembered the bag in the hall. The melody is not good, it's no where near the standard of the lyric. In my thoughts you have a couple of choices (a) do co writes with a melodist or (b) do some study on how melody works. And how harmony works, like the colour of the sound. I can see you are fiddling with the scansion I have done a quick check of the verse and pre lyric and there is nothing wrong with it. I can sing those sections to the melody of "Your song " by Elton John no problem. There is nothing wrong in the lyric as far as I can see in a quick check. Its the music, that is the issue. Cheers Gary
  7. Snabbu


    Hi This all sounds good to me. I am a bit surprised it is your first full song, I am assuming the melody is yours. sung over an existing chord sequence. I thought the chorus melodic structure particularly good. Cheers Gary
  8. Snabbu

    Just Down The road From Babylon

    Off all of that I think Yes is probably the most inspiring. For a style type of idea. I mean it needs to be complex to match prosody wise. Thanks for the sound references. Cheers Gary
  9. Snabbu

    Just Down The road From Babylon

    Hi Kuya Thanks for the read and the comments I need to clear some stuff up for you to see if it makes more sense. The Queen is Elizabeth II R. The story takes place in 2004 the ancient stuff is in the soldiers head. So the confusion about countries and roads is because you have missed the segue in and out of reality and the present which happens at "dreams in a mirage come easy." and coming back out of the dreams to reality at "Waking from dreams of the ancients" So with that in mind the issue is is that obvious enough and you just missed it or does it need to be clearer. Inanna was a busy girl as well as being the goddess of sex she was also goddess of war and conflict and justice which is her roll here and it is a mistake to refer to her as Inanna in the Babylonian context she should of course be Ishtar as you say. So just have a quick look and see if it's clear enough that this is happening now and it's continuous. And that should fix up the anomalies for you. I will fix the Innana issue as an edit in the meantime. I really should have paid more attention at school. Thanks again for your input. Cheers Gary
  10. Snabbu

    Just Down The road From Babylon

    Hi Ty Thanks for taking the time to go through this and I will explain a bit of what my intensions were when I wrote it. It is basically an antiwar song, it refers to the war in the early 2000's so it is set in Iraq just south of Bagdad. Just some specifics so you understand my intentions. As the sun sets in the desert you get a massive and sudden temperature drop from like 45 degrees C to ten in an hour depending on the time of year. That is why I can start to see my breath as the sun sets. Australia is a constitutional monarchy the queen is Queen Elizabeth the second Australian soldiers swear allegiance to the crown as opposed to the government. So we would say queen and country. As would the brits and probably the Canucks. You may say serving trump towers but it don't have the same ring eh Ha. 😀sorry couldn't help myself. It is correct that, that line "avoiding thoughts as to right or wrong" is introducing the military theme and it's like I've been sent here to do a job and its not my concern to worry about the ins and outs of the situation. I have no choice it's my job sort of thing so don't think about it. The corn issue is controversial and it's hard to know who to believe but it is egyptian maize. The theory was this came from Mexico however Dagan (a babylonian god is associated with corn. In addition corn is mentioned as existing in Babylon circa 3000 BC long before America was discovered. I think now they have done DNA testing so I am not sure where the corn things stand now. But this is a quote from Dr. Thompson Gunnar 2009 " Egyptian maize dates to 4000 BC; and it follows introduction via Minoan Crete and the Middle East circa 5000 BC. It now appears that maize, or Indian corn, was a major crop in Babylon, Egypt, Greece, and Rome. This is a major breakthrough as all the traditional historians have claimed for the past century that there was no maize in Egypt until after Columbus." So I think corn might go because DNA proves that Mexican corn is 9000 years old so "first corn is not technically correct." What is probably the most likely is "barley"as you say. So thanks for that. So I'l do an edit for that like "Barley stands in golden rows ." Noah is a story copied later based on the epic of Gilgamesh, Utnapishtim and Enkidu, are characters in the epic. Utnapishtim builds the arc in that story. And I must say when I first wrote it I put in Noah because I though it was him and I got hammered by a historian or two. So in he went with me wondering how the hell is that going to sing.😀 The ending is me waking from a day dream about the ancient culture back to reality of war watching the APCs roll on and expressing how sad it is that it has come to this. Even though I'm trying not to think about it and get on with the job. Like a feeling of protest but more in sadness than in anger. I am not up on the grateful dead song but I will go listen. I think if people don't want to think that's Ok I mean if the music is good enough the names and places can just wash over you as nice sounding words. Thanks for the time you put into looking through this. Much appreciated, and mostly you got exactly the point I was making so I'm happy with that. I'l do the crop edit now. Cheers Gary
  11. Snabbu

    Just Down The road From Babylon

    Thanks for the read Tom I think when I wrote it I was thinking of Queens song with Scaramouche and Beaslsebub etc in it. Bohemian Rhapsody, I am sure that was in my head when I did it. I think hotel has that drifting in and out of time and reality that this has so I think I see what you mean. Cheers Gary
  12. Snabbu

    Just Down The road From Babylon

    Thanks Mike I have had several goes at doing music for this and have not been completely happy with what cane out. I even go someone else to do a version which was half spoke and half sung with a middle eastern kind of groove and chopper sound effects. It was Ok but not absolutely perfect. I will have a bit of a listen to the recommended groups and see if it gives me a clue. Cheers Gary
  13. Snabbu

    Tonight I gonna tell her

    To me the verse structure with a different number of lines seems Jimmy Web like. So looking at in that context I would structure the melody like this. The bracketed numbers being the number of naturally stressed syllables in each line. Verse one Tonight I'm gonna tell her (3) (motif 1) How much I don't love her (2) (motif 1 variation ie shortened) But it will be the biggest lie I ever tell (4) (motif 2) Verse two I know she woun't beleive me (3) (motif 1 repeat) Cus she's got me wrapped around her finger (4) (motif 2 repeat) And I can't convince my heart (3) (motif 1 repeat) She's only playing games (3) (motif 1 variation last note tonic) This is one way this could be set to melody which would make musicaL sence to me. It is going to probably sound like an A B song which it probably is. That is an A section that has 7 lines And a B section that you are calling the chorus that has four lines. So as long as verse three and four match one and two as to stress pattern and line lengths it should work quite well. Cheers Gary
  14. Hi all This is something I just found in my archives from 15 years ago. I had forgotten all about it. Must of been in my complex stage. Edits suggested by Ty Cobb Edits suggested by Kuya Just down the road from Babylon © Gary Yeomans 2003 Crossing the border at sunset The desert shimmers in the afterglow The wind begins to rise The sand begins to blow Keeping the sun setting left side Cool enough now to see my breath Narrow my eyes to the sand Turning my face from death Keeping my mind in the dead zone Avoiding thoughts as to right or wrong I’m Serving my Queen and my country Just down the road from Babylon Dreams in a mirage come easy The pulsating desert ebbs and flows Images of ancient times Barley stands in golden rows Greeting the goddess of life and love She appears as a welcome guest Turning she smiles takes my hand Ishtar takes me to her breast Watching the moon in it’s crescent As a poet writes the worlds first song And Gilgamesh grieves for Enkidu Just down the road from Babylon Seeking my own immortality So many will die in the flood I shelter from uncertainty In a cloak of flesh and blood A wise old man creates his escape He labours without a word Straightening he smiles offers his hand Utnapishtim welcomes me aboard Waking from dreams of the ancients Ghostly chariots rolling on And the worldly grieve for innocence Just down the road from Babylon
  15. Snabbu

    Today Is Everything

    Hi boys and girl I commented on this privately yesterday, mostly in regard to the vocal processing, so I won't go into that here. I just wanted to say nice work, and there is a thing about it that your having a lot of fun, and making the song the best it can be. Which I admire. So today I'm just listening, as opposed to critical listening which is a totally different thing. And I'm enjoying the song. Cheers Gary