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DonnaMarilyn last won the day on June 2

DonnaMarilyn had the most liked content!

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About DonnaMarilyn

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    A Muse's Muse

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    Delft, Netherlands
  • Interests
    Photography, writing, films, literature

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    The Beatles, Moody Blues, Deep Purple, Pink Floyd, Joni Mitchell, Neil Young, B.B. King, Judy Collins, Wishbone Ash, The Decemberists, Rogers & Hammerstein, Rachmaninoff, and many others in between, before, and after.

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  1. DonnaMarilyn

    The Truth Comes Stumbling In

    Sounds great, Paul, though I take John's point about 'wandered'. l wonder now whether 'tumbled in' might be more in keeping? Just a thought.
  2. DonnaMarilyn


    Carl, this piece has come a long way with the edits. Just about ‘there’. I agree with much of what Peko suggests. A couple of my own thoughts below, which I hope are useful. The main one involves ‘shitting out the children’. Mainly it doesn’t work for me because it’s anatomically incorrect. Also – and unintentionally, I know – it comes across as misogynistic. It appears to blame women for having the children, while in fact V2, lines 1&2, is about the anarchists using the children as – like in WWI and other wars – cannon fodder. How about something like ‘sacrificing children’ or a similar way to highlight that it’s that particular use/abuse of the children rather than the fact that the children continue to be born. (Unless I'm missing something in your intention.) Lawlessness V Emerging from shadows Are freaks and empty souls Suggest ‘with’ rather than ‘and’. Maybe ‘twisted’ rather than ‘empty’. Plotting to disrupt Show they've got control Knives, guns, and sickness On an angry killing field Rising social chaos In a land without a shield Ch Lawlessness is here You can see it on the street The reference to ‘you’ weakens the impact of the notion of lawlessness. I suggest using an image that continues with how lawlessness is on the street, spreading like cancer. Spreading like cancer It's a plague we can't defeat Kill a cop for fun Get even is the scheme Better than ‘theme’ but sounds too organiised to be anarchic. Too clearly chosen simply to rhyme with ‘dream’. Can you find another word, or way to dramatise the point? For instance, ‘Make the bastard scream’? (Please note: The suggestion doesn’t reflect my own world view – it just sprang to mind in terms of the context. ) Blame the government To hell with any dream Lawlessness! Lawlessness!! Lawlessness!!! sss sssss sssss!!!.................. is here (softly spoken in an ominous tone) V Shitting out the children See my comment above. To build an army's force Brainwashing the young Absent of remorse Suggest ‘empty of remorse’. A jungle of fear Self destructive walking dead The goal is anarchy In the distance up ahead Ch Br The chains have been removed In a situation of anarchy, I imagine chains being broken by the anarchists themselves rather than removed by an outside force. Maybe ‘The chains have been thrown off’. Everyone is free Wild without boundaries There's no telling what will be Ch Lawlessness is here You can see it on the street Spreading like cancer It's a plague we can't defeat Kill a cop for fun Get even is the scheme Blame the government To hell with any dream Lawlessness! Lawlessness!! Lawlessness!!! sss sssss sssss!!!.................. is here (softly spoken in an ominous tone) Ch2 (revolving) Lawlessness is here You can see it on the street In the papers, on the TV The breakdown not complete All of the aforementioned makes it sounds as though the breakdown iscomplete. Maybe ‘The breakdown now complete’. Kill a cop for fun Defy authority Outrage is venom Suggest ‘fuel’ to replace ‘venom’. It’s also an alliteration with ‘fun’. For the crisis that we see Lawlessness! Lawlessness!! Lawlessness!!! sss sssss sssss!!!.................. is here
  3. DonnaMarilyn

    Wedding Bells Still Chime

    Triffid, here are some thoughts I had while listening/scoring. I hope they're useful. 🙂 In a 04:38 song, the 40-second intro feels unnecessarily long, especially as many of the lines are rushed. In themselves, the music and playing are very nice (lovely change-up into the chorus), but the music doesn't seem to match the theme. To me, the prosody feels askew. Vocals in themselves are good, but are rushed, and the phrasing feels awkward in places. The lyrical theme is touching and universal. However, the lyric might benefit from some tweaking (for instance, along the lines of people's suggestions made earlier in the lyrics feedback forum). Maybe this could help as well with what seems to be a pacing/phrasing issue.
  4. DonnaMarilyn

    May Song Contest

    Congratulations Steve, Micky, and Justin. All deserving winners. My own top scores were for Gone, Gone, Gone and The Way You Make Me Feel, with Child of the Radio, The Real World, Never Gonna Be My Girl, and Comic Girl Life vying for third place. It was a pleasure to experience the different types of songs. Each of them had something special. Donna
  5. DonnaMarilyn

    Text "Down the drain"

    Weyland, I'm glad those minor changes worked for singing purposes. And good call if you decide to change the title (though the change should also be reflected in the chorus ). It's a kind offer, but there's no need to credit me. Drop me a PM if you'd like me to look at a couple of others. Or post it in the forum (as you did with this one), and I'll check it out.
  6. DonnaMarilyn

    Three Wishes

    Doug, as you know, this got my top score. And like any of the lyrics, it could be tweaked here and here (e.g. along the lines of some of the suggestions). When I assess lyrics in the contests, I don’t view them as already finished products. I score them in terms of potential as to emotional impact, storytelling, craftsmanship (word choice, structure, flow, etc.), singability, and originality. ‘Three Wishes’ fulfilled all my criteria, but in particular the emotional impact: the humour. I found the lyric hilarious. At just the first two lines I was practically falling out of my chair. And it just got better. I found it such a treat to crack up laughing, again and again, even days afterwards. It lightened my heart immensely. 😊 I enjoyed how the characters/personality of the women and the narrator were built up, leaving it increasingly clear who was really in charge of the situation, despite the narrator's posturing. Paul, I understand completely why the lyric doesn’t sit well with you. And I appreciate there are men like yourself who are sensitive regarding perceived displays of misogyny. As someone who’s been the target more than once, I thank you. 😊 The main reason I didn’t take offence at the lyric was because I was certain it was written as a spoof. If it hadn’t been, I’d have jumped down the author’s throat. I find the crafting very clever, with the irony indicating the narrator to be a bit of an idiot, and showing the women to be clearly in control; in fact not showing him any respect. The whole scenario is - unfortunately - consistent with behaviour/attitudes that are still common - on both sides of the gender divide. To me, the language was simply in keeping with the mood/context/genre.
  7. DonnaMarilyn

    The Truth Comes Stumbling In

    Very nice take on the adage, Paul. Good examples and details, and the limerick structure works well. I'm with the others, though, as regards 'fumbled'. It just feels like the wrong word.
  8. DonnaMarilyn

    May Lyric Contest

    @lyriCAL, it's interesting how we all assess lyrics. Fascinating for me is that I'm usually good at sussing which lyrics might reach the podium, or somewhere near it. Yours finished close to the base of the totem pole, and yet it's one of the few lyrics that I've ever scored with a 1. 😎 I've read it at least eight times, and each time it's had me in peals of laughter. Even thinking about it afterwards cracks me up. Especially effective is the delicious shock of the lyric's first two lines (it was clever to begin with the chorus ). I enjoyed not only the story of each 'ho' and the relationship but also the choice of words and the clever crafting in general, and in particular the tongue-in-cheek irony and self-effacement. To me - within the context of what I (rightly) presumed was a make-believe situation - the narrator - who in the real world would be a despicable misogynist - is somehow endearing. And I love that through it all, the women continue to have the upper hand. They remain boss. Clever writing. It's kind of modern-day vaudeville/burlesque but without the music. And in the face of the bleakness that fills so much of the present world and its doings, it's a treat to be able to laugh out loud over a lyric, and not just once but several times. (In fact, all the humorous lyrics this month were a treat.)
  9. DonnaMarilyn

    May Lyric Contest

    Well then I liked the reporting of the depth of thought. I'm glad you liked 'Naked Near the Tree'. It's actually an older lyric that I recently revised massively, although the structure remained the same.
  10. DonnaMarilyn

    May Lyric Contest

    Oh my goodness! Thanks so much, folks. I wasn't sure how my bleak tale of (sadly, not uncommon) injustice would go over. And well done, Paul, Kuya, Iggy, and Andy (nice storytelling). Again, what a tremendous selection this month. Scoring is getting to be an increasing challenge. But it's wonderful that so many people are taking part in the contest. Well worth taking the time to read and to assess the lyrics. My own top three picks were Doug's (LyriCal) 'Three Wishes' (cracked me up every time I read it, and - for me - it certainly fulfilled the flow, storytelling, and singability criteria [but Doug, you need to make the title the first line of the chorus ]); fabkebab's 'Human Doings and Human Beings' (ticked every box, and I like the depth of thought); and Patty's (Peko) 'Shadow of Our Guns' (topical, well crafted, good progression and flow, and certainly singable). Paul's 'The Truth Comes Stumbling In' (really nice take on the adage about a lie getting halfway around the world while truth is just putting its boots on) and Kuya's 'Un Recognized Genius' (I liked the details in the storyline, and the humour) followed closely. So much to enjoy and like in each of the submissions. I want to mention as well Irwin's 'You're A Winner Tonight'. Such a bright, positive vibe, and I could definitely hear it being musicified, sung, and danced to. I'll check out any of the lyrics that go to the feedback forum if anyone wants further comments. Justin, thanks for the sterling job in handling this month's contest.
  11. DonnaMarilyn

    Table for Two

    Sweet, charming, mellow. A really pretty piece, everyone. I'm wondering though what a slightly more uptempo version might sound like. The song is longish at 03:55, and after a while begins to feel as though it's dragging (at least to my ears), which I don't think suits the mood. It sounds a bit more sad than happy. Nevertheless, an excellent collaborative effort, featuring everyone's individual talent. Donna
  12. DonnaMarilyn

    Instrumental Structure

    Thank you, Scotto. I'm pleased you enjoyed them. My co-writer, Billy, operates on the notion of 'peaks and troughs'/tension and release. I think this is what works towards giving his instrumentals a beginning, a middle, and an end, something in the manner of a storyline even though it might not be a typical song structure. (He does the same with instrumentals in other genres - we co-write in all of them.) (That notion of tension/release is what I was referring to when I commented on your track - i.e. about rethinking the unceasing busyness throughout, and the repeated riff round about the middle. Though I realise it was designed as a samba track, and I don't suppose many 'rest' interludes would be called for. Anyway, just me rambling. )
  13. DonnaMarilyn

    Instrumental Structure

    Scotto, here's the piece that won in the category in 2015. As regards genre, I'd say it's soundtrack. I included the lyric so you could see what the song was about. You should be able to pull down the lyric under 'Read more' under the player. I was after a mood of stress, fear, tension, with a tiny 'hopeful' interlude round about where the lyrical bridge was. 'Run, Habibti, Now Run' https://soundcloud.com/donmar-2/run-habibti-now-run-instrumental/s-fmwRo This won the popular vote & cash prize ($500) in 2014. Again, soundtrack genre, or theatrical (longish). Based on song about longing for love but afraid to take the risk. 'A Near-Life Experience' https://soundcloud.com/donmar-2/a-near-life-experience-instrumental/s-xaBpU The contest is SongDoor. It's open for submissions from April until November, and the entry fee is only $10. Results are shared in January. Here's another, though not submitted anywhere. Again, soundtrack/theatrical. Pretty dark, with a brief 'hopeful' interlude. Lyric included so you can see what the original song was about. 'The Beast of the City' https://soundcloud.com/donmar-2/the-beast-of-the-city-instrumental/s-pFKKt And I think that by 'a story of its own', the contest manager meant that the music should be such that the mood, the tempo, the melodies, the instrumentation and so on should lead the listener to be able to conjure up a scenario of her/his own. In any case, that's my interpretation.
  14. DonnaMarilyn

    Instrumental Structure

    Scotto, you wrote: ‘Part of me feels like an instrumental should be more freeing than just copying over a typical song structure though.’ I’d say your instinct is correct. I occasionally submit songs and instrumentals (written by my co-writer) to international competitions. I remember one contest manager advising me to make sure that any instrumental I submit must tell a story of its own, and not simply be the backing track to a song. (Though I suppose you could still be quite free even if you were following a typical song structure.) I’m paraphrasing here, but she said that instrumentals need to have their own melodic hooks and tricks, periods of action and of rest, to snag listeners and keep them hanging on. I passed this advice on to my co-writer, Billy. He then took the backing tracks to two of our songs, and pimped them, adding extra peaks and troughs – dynamics – and additional melodic hooks. The first one I submitted was a finalist (one of five) in the instrumental category, and won the popular vote and the cash prize, and, the following year, the second won first prize in the instrumental category. So, in at least these two instances, the advice seemed to work. Your own track has plenty of dynamics. Infectious for sure! I'm wondering whether a brief switch from very busy might make an interesting change and give the listener's ears a rest for a moment before picking up again with a new impetus. For example, there's a section in about the middle where the riff is repeated several times. I hope you don't mind a lyricist putting in her tuppence worth in your thread.
  15. Hi Pete. Just want to mention that your song was my top pick in the April contest. As a lyricist, I enjoyed the story-telling and the details in particular. The whole thing was highly imaginative and totally outside the box, including the vocal performance. I found the music compelling as well in its own way. On listening to it again now, however, I'm thinking perhaps the chorus could be made more dynamic and distinct from the verses. But as I'm not a musician, you can take that observation with a grain of salt.