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Yamaki

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About Yamaki

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    Female
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    Canada
  1. Your efforts will be appreciated by many Alistair! Kudos to you for taking this on and doing the work involved.
  2. Hi Kimberly, There is something good, something worthwhile, some kind of talent....in every human being. What is unique or special about this fellow? Explore that and offer that little ray of hope somewhere, somehow in this. I think this is a good lyric and has some really great lines, but personally I don't listen to music to get depressed. I love to hear interesting stories, and this one is, but I still want that bit of sunshine peeking out from the clouds. :-) Think about it like all those breakup love songs, lol, usually some hope, something positive is offered up. The good ones never just go on and on about being heartbroken, cry, cry, cry....they usually mention something that gives a little hope instead of one big pity party. I can see why you mention Cat's in the Cradle, but to me they are two quite different songs and lyrical ideas. Maybe I'm off base here so KOS! I do look forward to reading your rewrite. :-) Super hook by the way - those two lines combined!
  3. I think that the Pat Pattison course might be available on demand now, rather than just at specific scheduled times. Y
  4. This isn't a mouthful of nothing, nicely done. :-) I'm afraid I have to agree with MikeB though. Toss the songwriter part! LOL Couldn't that be the turnaround? Sing about the politicians and the anchormen, and then get into the songwriter and go something like ....we listen intently as he strums his stuff, sings a mouthful of something other than fluff. Haha Or, sings a mouthful of something and finally, we can't get enough, would be better. Y
  5. So terribly sorry to hear this news. :-( I have corresponded with Dottie numerous times, lots of laughs and interesting stories. Hang in there Dottie, all the best to you as you make your way through this, my prayers are certainly with you. Thank you so much Kim for letting us know. Y
  6. When I first came here, some people thought YAMAKI was a guy- nope, I'm a gal. Others thought I was Japanese - nope, I'm Canadian. YAMAKI is a guitar. They stopped making them in about the late seventies, early eighties I guess. A Martin styled guitar, and fairly nice sound for the price. I have one that was made in about 1971 or thereabouts I think. I'm not sure they were sold too much in the U.S., but they were here in Canada.
  7. Lovely! What an accomplishment. Good luck with it! :-) Y
  8. Nice job on this, I enjoyed the listen. Excellent subject or idea for a song. I liked what you did for music, but this was a lyric written that would have been excellent for the major verse, and minor chorus if you could have swung it. Sounds good as is too however. I did like the verse melody, nothing too dramatic, but kind of amplified the feelings more that way of how the singer appears to have this 'great ' life, that isn't so great! :-) The chorus and the roll apart bit gave the listener the information that no, this wasn't a picture perfect life....but I was expecting the pay off then, for me as a listener, to come as or at least a hint of, 'WHY it wasn't', not just that it wasn't. Once again, very enjoyable as a whole - I do have a few nits with the lyric and commented below, but just my opinion and maybe food for thought. It's your song, and you know what, if anything, makes sense as far as changes. Y Nice way to end it, going round in circles, never getting out of this carefully crafted lie I guess? :-)
  9. It would be interesting to do this, and then get the fully produced version later as well. Show of hands? Yes, I can read/write music. As far as picking any of the lyrics submitted, I'm not sure I agree. Part of the appeal of this contest for sure was seeing the different ways in which people treated the same lyric.
  10. I really like the sound of this! Very nice work on both the lyric and the music you have going for it so far. My nit is that the bridge didn't give me quite the variation I was looking for. I will look forward to hearing it again once you develop it a little further. Y
  11. Hi Cindy, I like that you have changed this to make it more general by omitting the actual name, think that works much better. The first two lines in the original version were a better start though, to me. Those two lines answered quite a few questions right away, gave us a sense of who this person was, contained a bit of humour that could be elaborated on in the lyric - meaning this may be more shocking to this church-going person than perhaps some others - and it also flowed better than what you currently have. Maybe drop the 'so' at the start, and also toss the 'after's in the second line as there are really two of them. Possibly something like 'on a Sunday morning after church' would work. I'm not too fussy on what you have for the next two lines though in the original, I wouldn't even want to give singing them a go. You do have many good lines and ideas in both versions however, so maybe try now taking the best of both, and adding anything new that comes to mind, keeping in mind everything has to work without having the actual name in it. It isn't easy to write humorous I don't believe, but this is a cute idea and you're certainly part way there. The possibility is there for it to be very good when finished, good luck with it! Y
  12. Onewholovesrock.....you should have scored much higher on creativeness alone!!! That's just cool. I am a little late to the party here and just read your blurb about how the song came about! LOL Didn't nobody notice that their titles were in your song? Hee hee Cool tunes all around. Intended to enter but the internet went down right at deadline time. Then I intended to at least vote, but got sick. :-( Congrats to the winners, and to everyone else as well for getting one done and entered. :-)
  13. Hi there, I have to say I enjoyed this, good song. :-) You could do some work on it to improve it, but you have accomplished what you set out to do for sure if you wanted it to come out along the lines of those you mentioned. Nice job on that, you're on the right track! Dylan and Cohen are two of my absolute favourites. I don't write songs anything close to their style, but I really enjoy their music. There are many places you can take words out, shorten lines, and perhaps in doing so, make it easier to sing. BUT in doing so, you just might lose the style of the song you worked to obtain in the first place!! This is very Dylanesque to me, including the vocals. I don't think a sparser lyric would work so well. Sparse = Dylan? Not to my way of thinking. I would only say that you make sure that your words are serving a purpose in that they are related to the story and content. You could omit tiny words of no consequence if that makes singability easier. I do have to agree with what Iggy said in that you do need to take those words out that don't fit this character. In developing a character, consistency is key, and quell and morrow's morn are a couple of things that are just not in this fellow's mind or on his lips. Reword those areas so they seem true to the character. The refrain line is an all important bit in a song with no chorus. It needs to shine, be catchy. The words are great, but I think you need to pick up a guitar and sing that over and over til you find something really good. :-) It is a little lack lustre at the moment. Maybe you need to change the melody there, or possibly you can get away with changing it insofar as the emphasis of words and the delivery of it, not sure. The character kind of had my sympathies until the bridge, then he kind of lost me. You don't want that to happen. Anyway, the bridge may not even be necessary. Dylan wrote one heck of a lot of songs with no bridge or middle eight. Some he did write using a bridge, but probably they are in the minority. I did really like the bridge here musically, quite a bit actually. It was the 'cheating' part that didn't appeal. As to the singability if you are having problems with some of the wordiness or phrasing, chop what you really have to, and then just work on it. It can be done! Dylan's and Cohen's songs are all over the place. They work though. Learning to play and sing some perfectly written song is one thing - learning to play and sing (and memorize) a song like Hurricane, or a couple of others, taught me much more!! Dylan wrote most of his songs quickly, Cohen took forever. They are both poets and storytellers, but of a different type. Good luck with this song! If you are done with it, then just take what resonates to you in all the thoughtful comments you received from everyone and carry them on to your next one! And thanks for posting this, like I mentioned to begin with, very enjoyable! Y
  14. I do agree with your sentiments re the rhyming TC Perkins. In a well written song I honestly don't notice the lack of any rhymes. Rhymes do help with remembering the words, but for me, no more so than a good rhythm, a good flow, and the way the words are written, even which ones are chosen. I guess most of my own songs do rhyme, but since I don't actually write them down, sometimes I don't notice if I happen to miss the odd one if it seems to be working as is. I would much rather run across less rhymes in a song, than forced rhymes.
  15. I know....that means that instead of slopping around in front of the computer in my pj's, I'd have to do the whole hair and make-up thang before picking up my guitar. Oh gawd, these contests always favour the guys no matter what they come up with.