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jonie last won the day on March 10

jonie had the most liked content!

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30 Excellent

About jonie

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    ooo xxx
  • Birthday 21/03/1954

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    Reading, UK

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    Beatles, Brill Building, Paul Simon, Irish pub singalongs and my dad singing Sinatra in the shower, to name but a few

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  1. Judging Lyrics

    Bob, Personally, and regardless of what the scores indicate or what others' tastes may be, I don't think a lyric is a loser if the writer has put the effort in to make sure it is a good lyric in terms of meter, rhyme, structure, story line, etc. If you feel that you have done your due diligence in creating a top notch lyric, then you haven't lost, not really. However, if you are consistently entering lyrics that you know need improvement then I suppose you can and should take responsibility for the scores you receive.
  2. A Thousand Years Ago

    Thank you very much, Gary. Some fine things to think about if and when this is ever developed into a song. Unfortunately, I am a lyricist, not a musician and this is a lyric rather than a song. When I write cold, with only a basic idea of a melody, my lyrics are often structured like soldiers in parade formation (Veering from the strict AABA was my only rebellious moment). I write much differently when I write to a piece of music, where I am able to hear more than a basic melody. Would I like to have written this lyric to someone else's music? Absolutely, but I'm not often offered the opportunity. This lyric was written for a contest where a musician is tasked with creating a song from someone else's lyric within a time frame. No easy feat for the musician if the lyricist has written something confined to a complicated melody in the lyricist's own head. I can't say with complete certainty but it seems to me that a basic structure, metered well, provides less headaches for the musician. You are correct - the bridge rhyme scheme is the same as that in the verses. Welcome to the Muse and thank you again.
  3. Titles are everywhere. I was reading an article about pensions earlier and the phrase "seven lean years" popped out at me. I immediately played with the possible ways in which I could take advantage of it and then moved on to read the rest of the article. For me, it's about paying attention to the commonplace as well as to the unique and unexpected. I also develop them out of necessity. I have two verses written and half an idea about a chorus to pull it all together. If I can come up with a good hook that can be supported by the verses I've written, I can build the rest of the chorus, the bridge and a final verse around it. The hook = the title. It's usually a little more difficult doing it that way and I'm not always rewarded with a great hook. There are plenty of ways to skin that cat (hey, that can work).
  4. Goodbye, Titans of Avarice

    Hi jazz and welcome to the Muse. Glad to see someone jumping right in, providing excellent insight. You've zeroed in on two major flaws with my lyric. I can tell this ain't yer first rodeo. This lyric started off much differently - as an AABA (no chorus). A protest song about shoot shootings basically, but not wholly - more, how my generation (boomers) have let down our children and grandchildren. When I decided to add a chorus, the idea of them as saviors, rescuing us from our own worst instincts, was fully in my mind but the lyric itself was a true Debbie downer. I had considered writing another hopeful verse, but thought my ambitions could be achieved in the chorus alone. Maybe I was wrong and am willing to consider a final verse to tie it all together more satisfactorily. As far as the 2nd line of the chorus - they'll empty your coffers..... - it says what I want it to say but unfortunately, it arrives in the lyric before the 'they' do, and so makes perfect sense that anyone reading/listening would have to wonder who 'they' are. I will have to find a way to work around that. Thank you so much for taking a look and commenting.
  5. Maybe a thought for the next collab contest.
  6. I could hear this quite well as I read through it. Sad but in the wonderfully traditional way of Celtic folk. I wrote something similar not too long back and it's got me to thinking about maybe having a folk lyric competition. The thing that is most challenging about them is getting the historical content and context right or, in more modern ones, the vernacular, traditions, dress, etc if the lyric happens to be written about a different culture. Requires one to do a little research which is never a bad thing.
  7. Lyrical Parody Parade

    I've written a lot of lyrics in my time but never a parody. It's not as easy as it looks! Had a lot of fun doing it though. :). This one should be easy to guess. Nightmare Date We met on “Find me a Partner” Said he was the honest type Lunch, face to face, I think Jesus, we should have Skyped He lied about a Phd In Indonesian history Never owned a Prius and He’s on parole Stained shirt and garlic breath Connections for scoring meth Laughs whenever he farts He’s my Nightmare Date Dull as a butter knife Unemployed and he’s overweight A neck tattoo of Donald Trump WTF! He orders three more Miller Lites Brags he’s loaded every night Likes to fight When it comes to relations Says he likes to be on top Rare deviations Involve chains and a rider’s crop I stumble to the vanity Searching for sanity Vomit my sashimi With the thai noodle side Thinking I should make a break for it When thank God and holy shit! They’re tossing him out the door! He’s my Nightmare Date Dull as a butter knife Unemployed and he’s overweight A neck tattoo of Donald Trump WTF!
  8. Dream This World Away

    Hi Frankie, I like your writing style. Concise with good imagery and though your meter seems to stray now and again, most of it doesn't rise to the level where it would be vocally unworkable. Have you considered writing this in the present tense? You actually have the bridge and one line in the present "Wishing that I wasn’t here" and I personally think it would sound better if you did the same for the entire lyric. I've given it a go to see how it sounds. A few observations and suggestions as well.
  9. Lyrical Parody Parade

    Is this a running prompt? If so, I may give it a try.
  10. Bottle (Revision 2)

    I was married to an alcoholic for twenty years. Raised my kids in his shadow and almost lost us all to his drinking. He's gone now. The booze and pills killed him about 6 years ago. He was only 48. Me and my adult children still struggle with things like trust and self-worth but we're mostly okay. So I absolutely get where you're coming from. Love and hate, confusion over why he keeps going back to it, knowing how it's destroying his relationships with his loved ones. My ex is in many of my sadder lyrics, though now, always as the foundation or an underpinning rather than the subject. Took me to write hundreds of lyrics before I could come at it any of with any sort of perspective. Anyway, on to your lyric, I'm torn as to whether I prefer this in the 2nd person or whether it would work better in the 1st. I guess it would depend on whether or not you'd ever sing this to an audience rather than him. In that case, 3rd person would obviously work better. Bottle V1 I don't know why I don't know when I don't know how you got Back on the bottle again Back on the bottle again V2 It's as if it's A siren song It calls you and you follow Fol' that bottle along Fol' that bottle along Fol' that bottle along 1st two verses set the story up well. Ch1 I love you but I hate you Why you keep on fallin' for it? - I was torn as to whether falling for it or reaching for it is the better verb here. Decided that falling has a lot going for it as it's not only the image of him falling for temptation but also falling down the hole of alcoholism and sadly, falling for it as one would fall for a lover. The reaper is a comin' You can't keep on a runnin' 'Cause that bottle's gonna slow you down - I think this needs to be more immediate - The bottle IS slowing him down which in turn is why the reaper is coming. Ohhohoh The only thing that really gives me pause in your chorus is the fact that I'm left wanting to hear more about how YOU feel as that first line sets you up nicely to do, but instead, you turn the rest back around to him. Even just using that second line as a more personal one would be adequate. Instrumental Break using Verse Chord Structure, 2 Verses Bridge End of the (or Another) night, and your watchin' television Glass in your hand, squintin' one eye Commercial break, and you're off on a mission (or you stumble to the kitchen) Fill up that lie (or your glass), up to the sky Not terribly keen on this bridge. There is a part of me that thinks that holding a mirror up to the alcoholic while he's behaving like an "undignified" alcoholic is pretty unhelpful, or so I've had the experience of learning. You have already addressed the dire straits he's in, so a blow by blow is probably not the best use of your bridge. If you choose to, you can switch out the first line of your chorus to make it all about his future if he keeps drinking and use this bridge to talk about how it makes you feel - it doesn't have to be sloppy and sentimental but it should be honest. "I love you and I hate you" - simply say why. V3 You made a pledge You couldn't keep It's just that bottle talkin' Bottle talk is cheap Bottle talk is cheap Again, you can put this in the more immediate present. If the bottle is talking, then he is talking, making the same promise in the present that he has made in the past. Another pledge You'll never keep It's just that bottle talkin' Bottle talk is cheap Bottle talk is cheap Love this verse otherwise V4 It's not for me - I think there's a better thought here, something that conveys how the loved one is powerless to change him, he has to do it himself. Maybe "It's not my call" It's all for you - It's up to you? Give up that nasty bottle 'Fore your time is through 'Fore your time is through 'Fore your time is through Ch2 I love you but I hate you Why you keep on fallin' for it? The reaper is a comin' You can't keep on a runnin' 'Cause that bottle's gonna slow you down Ohhohoh There's a lot we can all say about this situation. You've chosen to skim along the surface of the subject matter, which is fine. You are where you are. I just hope I haven't suggested you mess with that.
  11. She's a Killer by Queen, of course. Can't swing a dead cat without hitting those killer rhymes. The highlights Killer Queen Queen, St8 of Grace She keeps Moet et Chandon In her pretty cabinet 'Let them eat cake' she says Just like Marie Antoinette A built-in remedy For Kruschev and Kennedy Caviar and cigarettes Well versed in etiquette Recommended at the price Insatiable in appetite To avoid complications She never kept the same address In conversation She spoke just like a baroness Perfume came naturally from Paris For cars she couldn't care less
  12. The Coconut Hut Third time this damn week The knock at the door While I'm busy cookin' Another tourist is lookin'... For the way to the shore "Down the street, turn the corner" To the sounds of Al Green The smell of burnt bacon My tequila hands shakin'…. Nope, he’s already been Can't guess what he wants This feckless intruder...... If I wasn’t so drunk I woulda left sooner But how could I go? The waitress had blow And though she said no When I grabbed her fine butt... The night was still young At the Coconut Hut Said he caught my last set Better Dylan than Dylan Smoke alarm screamin' Surely, I'm dreamin'... Bastard is shrillin' Everyone has a cell phone In this lost paradise On his, I’m careenin' Away from the scene 'n... Yes, the kid died Now I know what he wants Not the same as the rest... He invites himself in His final request Stands there defiant I'm non-compliant The alarm is now silent The matter is shut... And I’m off for a night At the Coconut Hut
  13. Goodbye, Titans of Avarice

    Thanks guys. As I thought, more poem than lyric but I'm good with that. I gave myself a bit of challenge with this one, to see how many rhymes I could get in (like squeezing a fat lady into a bikini - is it okay to say fat lady? I don't know anymore) with an emphasis on getting some not regularly used near rhymes in. I've possibly succeeded at the expense of the rest. Conversational would take it in entirely the other direction. Another challenge. Thanks for idea, Andy. And this line: Culling the young's become sport I think the meaning has been overwhelmed by my crass cynicism. Culling as in sport-hunting animals who's numbers have grown out of hand. A reference to school shootings of course but also to the death and neglect of the young (focus on the US) through abortion and the lack of decent healthcare and general support by the society in which they live, once they have exited the womb. The latter having a big impact on the occurrence of the former, in my opinion. The line probably doesn't get all that across but that was what was in my mind, when I wrote it.
  14. This is another lyric I wrote for the collab context. It's been significantly reworked with a new title and chorus. I'm thinking it reads more like slam poetry than a lyric but would like other opinions. And the "we" throughout is of course, the older generational "we". Goodbye Titans of Avarice Sadly it’s true, we’ll never be kings We settle for top of the pile Play by the rules, kiss the right rings Peddle the star maker’s guile Stirring the cauldrons, scattering ash Arming the galleons of gods Perfecting our poisons, collecting our cash Defending our corporate pods CH Goodbye, titans of avarice They'll We'll empty your coffers of gold Our children will ride On a high rising tide Bring us back into the fold Today we’re embalming our prodigal seed Culling Killing the young’s become sport Calls for disarming the cowards and thieves Fair game for a polished retort Children defined by our empty pursuits Life, in the jaws of the beast Abused and maligned, they’re pulling up roots At war with the palms that we grease BR The climate, the carnage The weapons, unharnessed The vultures we feed The culture of me The God of creation Denies his relation No conscience, no shame We’re all fucking deranged Goodbye, titans of avarice They'll We'll empty your coffers of gold Our children will ride On a high rising tide Bring us back into the fold