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nectar last won the day on June 4

nectar had the most liked content!

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About nectar

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    Muse In Training

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    Lorde, Marina and the Diamonds

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  1. nectar


    Hi Barneyboy I think this is a really clever idea for a song. It's very 'of the moment' - highly topical but the pace of change in technology might date it in a few years. Swings and roundabouts.... I got the reference to Alexa straight away.
  2. nectar


    Hi SpanishBuddah, I'm not too familiar with metal as a genre or the conventions of metal, so please forgive me if I'm way off base with my nitpicking, but here it is:
  3. nectar

    Half-Baked Love

    I actually think that this is a decent song of its type (or could be with a bit of rewriting of some of the nits). I really like the wordplay (especially in the first verse) and your economy with words/line lengths. You grab hold of the hook and take it on a relationship journey without pausing too long to look around in any of the places/phases. It seems to me that this is a lighthearted song that's written to entertain through use of wordplay and amusing images, not really be something that people will become emotionally invested in or fill in the emotional blanks with details from their own lives. I don't see a problem with stewing/frying in the verse following on to baking in the chorus because I don't think you were trying to 'take us there' - you were entertaining us with the wordplay and the unlikely 'same oven glove' way of falling in love. I didn't feel like I was 'in the room' in any of the verses, but I don't think that that was what you were trying for. I agree with the comments Peko made about the 'half baked love' of the chorus not really making sense coming straight after the developing love of the first verse and the change of heart being abrupt in the middle of verse 2. Maybe you can try to foreshadow or explain in some way? In terms of genres, before A Musical Key suggested blues shuffle I would have pegged this as the kind of thing that you might hear in a live performance with a comedy element like a variety show (bonus points for ukulele), but actually A Musical Key's suggestion also seems an interesting suggestion (you might need to rewrite it a bit for the conventions of the genre).
  4. nectar


    Thanks for the responses - definitely good advice. I'll have a go at a rewrite this week. Yes, it could use more 'show' and more of a visceral sense of what the person is going through. I have a bad habit of writing songs the first time round in 'tell' and only then rewriting them in 'show'. Sound advice.. I think it will make a big difference. Thanks. It's always good to know how well the message I am trying to convey is coming across - I guess the song lives or dies (partly) upon that, but we have perfect knowledge of what we were trying to do so we can't see it for ourselves. I'll think about how a bridge can help with that in the rewrite. Thanks!
  5. nectar

    Text "Down the drain"

    I think that DonnaMarilyn's refurbishment is a definite improvement. It still feels a bit unfocused but definitely clearer to me. I think either the music or the lyrics (or both) will need a rewrite. It's always interesting to see which ideas and images are naturally grouped together in different languages (by figures of speech, common modes of thought etc) - the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis strikes again!
  6. nectar

    It Hurts

    I think this song was really improved by the advice that you got, and the end result is pretty good. I love the way that you use the elements as a reflection of the internal state of the character in the song, and I like the use of the storm as something that's forced the singer to be alone with his unavoidable thoughts until is has stopped - it's an appealing scenario. The conversational language gives it a heartfelt and honest feeling, which is a nice quality. I think 'broken heart' has been worn a bit threadbare - if it were my song I would probably try to look for something else. I kind of agree with SpanishBuddha about repeating the hook - you want to really hammer it home. You could have it after the first three lines of the chorus, then repeated again at the end of the chorus. I also agree with DonnaMarilyn about the similarity of the ideas between the verses, and the verse development, but I think it's been an opportunity for you to learn a lot and clearly time well spent.
  7. nectar


    Vinegar [V1] It took a bit of time but he swept her up I didn't see the sense myself Thought it wouldn't last but they kept it up and gossip moved along to something else [V2] But all this time now you've so been burning up when you imagine them side-by-side Dagger-eyed whenever she's turning up always waiting ready for a fight You're like a rig far out at sea When the well blows out into the deep Washing up filth for months [Pre-chorus] Why doesn't he see you? Why doesn't he need you? Why doesn't he want you? Why does he want her? Why does he want her instead? [Chorus] I'm not saying that it's easy Cause I know that's only words I'm not saying that it's painless Cause I know how much it hurts I'm not asking you to like it Or to try to be glad for her But If the champagne ain't for you Don't fill your glass with vinegar [v3] Now you're finding that you're pushed away A vague acquaintance at the most Your random outbursts can't be brushed away When they're aimed at somebody so close You're the heavy breathing on the line Clutching at his voice one more time Each moment you spend with him [Pre-chorus] Why doesn't he see you? Why doesn't he need you? Why doesn't he want you? Why does he want her? Why does he want her instead? [Chorus] I'm not saying that it's easy Cause I know that's only words I'm not saying that it's painless Cause I know how much it hurts I'm not asking you to like it Or to try to be glad for her But If the champagne ain't for you Don't fill your glass with vinegar In this I tried to apply the idea of having each verse with a distinct concept, and a chorus that is the same each time but is given a different meaning by the chorus that it's juxtaposed with (thanks Dr Pattinson). I also tried to make the form of the lines in which the feelings of the jealous friend are discussed match the emotions (though constricted by the regularity of the first four lines of each verse to match the form of the first verse). I struggled to find metaphors/images for jealousy that aren't threadbare, but I hope the amount of imagery is more balanced than in my previous song. If you read this far, thanks and have a good day!
  8. nectar

    Wedding Ring Banjo (The Banjo Song Pt.3)

    I like the humour in this. The sudden twists are amusing, which I think is what you were going for (rather than a believable story). The evolving 'one _ found, one _ plucked' final lines of the choruses are good, and 'Mister "Always Going Always Gone"' is a killer line. I probably wouldn't listen to a recording of this, but it's nice to read.
  9. nectar


    Today I've been listening to and singing 'Protection' by Massive Attack and Tracey Thorn. She has such a beautifully resonant voice - like they managed to get a microphone inside her throat, so thick even when she goes up her range. I'm really tempted to try to make my own cover, because it's in a good key for me and I think I would probably learn a lot from her. The lyrics are here, and they're so beautiful and heartfelt, but the thing that made me wonder is the complete lack of detail. The first verse is: This girl I know needs some shelterShe don't believe anyone can help herShe's doing so much harm, doing so much damageBut you don't want to get involvedYou tell her she can manageAnd you can't change the way she feelsBut you could put your arms around her No details about the girl. No details on the requirement for shelter. No details on the people that she doesn't think can help her. But it works. Is the amount of detail that I should put in a song genre-specific? Is 'pure and heartfelt' a special case, like a special effect - is it plenty or nothing with mediocrity in the middle? I remember someone on here making the point that the 'furniture' shouldn't just be thrown into the song unless it's relevant to the plot or used for a rhyme. You want the right detail, the stuff that elaborates about the characters or the setting gracefully and makes the setting feel real, I get that. But how much should I use?
  10. nectar

    Banjos Are Welcome

    I think that you do use the 'Banjos are welcome' line a lot. It might break it up a bit if you changed the 'Banjos are...' line to describe another aspect of banjos in each verse, but kept it the same for the whole verse to keep some of the feeling of repetition. I kind of like Andy's version but it feels like a different song without the repetition. Oh, and I really like the 'Banjos are welcome/In the bluegrass of Kentucky' line - very neat!
  11. nectar


    Thanks for your comments - they're very helpful. I think I probably put too many images into this song at the expense of the feeling that there's a character talking to the listener that they can have some kind of relationship with. I feel like there's a reasonable idea for a song in there somewhere, but this is one of the bad songs that I need to write before I can start to think about writing a few of the good ones. I might give this a final rewrite, or maybe move on to something else and take the insight that people have given me into that. Once again, thanks for you feedback.
  12. nectar

    No More Rainbows

    I think this is nice as it is, and could potentially be really good. 'No more rainbows' is a good hook, and you use it well but I think the position of it in the chorus buries it slightly - many songs put the hook/title as the first or last line of the chorus because those are the lines that are really emphasised due to their position. The bridge contrasts well with the verses and the choruses (I like the change from descriptive lines to commands) and adds something to the song. I'm not an expert, but it looks to me like the 'go'/'tomorrows' rhyme during the bridge puts the stress on the '-ow' (like 'tomorrOW'), which would sing kind of weird. I would also consider adding another verse - the chorus is the high point of the song with the overall message, but it might be good to flesh out the second half of the chorus which at the moment is a bit mysterious. The outro really hammers the hook/point of the song, which is good. Overall, it's a good first post!
  13. nectar

    WWDD? (What Would the Devil Do?)

    I think that this is a neat idea, and a good way to renew an old saying. I feel like I can relate to the character in the song. You make a lot of use of the title/hook - whether it's over-used would probably depend upon the recording. A lot of the rhyme that you use are short words, so it has a kind of simple quality to it, but you make the rhyming seem effortless and it never feels like a line was forced by the rhyme scheme. The thoughts of the protagonist about the waitress seem to escalate quickly - I would imagine that when many people meet someone think about the initial stage of forming a relationship, rather than more long-term considerations of faithfulness. I guess I'm not sure that a person who usually does good things would get drunk and start thinking of the worst things that they could do in order to do them - they would just do bad or good things instinctively. But it makes a good song.
  14. nectar


    I made the revision - please see message at the top.
  15. nectar


    Hi BarneyBoy, Thanks for your comments - it's really helpful. I agree that the story isn't as clear as it could be. I'm in the middle of reworking the song to add a second 'in the city' verse to clarify the story, and I'm going to address the other issues that you raised. Thanks!