Jump to content


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

10 Good

About jazzraptor

  • Rank
    Muse In Training

Contact Methods

  • Music Page

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    San Francisco

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  1. Begin at the end

    Really great concept! That's always half the battle -- finding something interesting to say, and having a notion of how to go after the fulfillment. These things, you have! I understand the concept as a self-help notion. Rather than go through the difficult process of trial and error, the singer is advising the listener to use insight and wisdom to just start at the smart part -- the END of a successful trial and error process. Your examples, in order: 1) job 2) relationship 3) more relationship 4) school Your form is AAAA (though since the ends of your verses are refrains, you could look at the form as ABABABAB.) I would suggest changing the form to an AABA. So adding a bridge removing a verse. You do "relationship" twice. And why "school" after you've started the song with job? SO: 1) job 2) relationship 3) bridge -- EXPLAIN the concept! Use terms like "leap-frog" "rat race" "Sisyphus" . . . 4) life (well. You don't want to begin at the end of life! LOL! but finding that happy spot that a lot of elderly people have without going through the angst, tribulations.) Really great potential here! Hey, probably could be really good song already, even if you don't take my suggestions -- which are probably only worth a couple of pennies anyway! regards,
  2. My Soul In The Breeze

    Typically shortening lines -- taking out extraneous syllables -- is at the very least a very good exercise! In this case, since my verses were so economical, I thought a contrast would be interesting for the bridge. But I think you're right. I should re-think this. (And . . . maybe I cheated the bridge by not treating it more differently than the verses! re-think that too!) Thanks again.
  3. My Soul In The Breeze

    All great comments, Justin! Thank you.
  4. Big Forever Sky (formerly 'Watching') REVISION 3

    "Big Forever Sky" Love the whole lyric, but when I read this phrase, I thought "Wow. Now that's a hook!" I googled it, and THIS thread comes up first; no other songs or poems. Maybe Change "watching" to a subtitle? Add a chorus or bridge with this additional focus? (Yeah. As if you didn't have enough on your plate! )
  5. If I Ever Meet the Devil REVISION 6

    "Inhumane" doesn't bother me. Hey, It's not cliché!! But sounds like I might be in the minortity. And I'm very sorry, but. You just can't use a long "a" for "again" in a blues song! (At least not for most performers.) The last line of the stanza (with "rain") is kind of weird anyway. The inhumane individual with a mean streak is going to stand you out in the rain? That's a bizarre sort of sadism! Also -- probably replace "showing" with "forming". In general, I really like it! You're a blues sensation!
  6. Hidwaway

    Love it! I echo Andy's comments. I'm sure it would sound great as is, but a strong chorus might just make this a hit song! Your 3rd verse is close: Hiding in my old wardrobe Hoping i won't be found In amongst the clothing As quiet as a mouse (and maybe double it up, if the song is fast) Hiding in my old wardrobe Hoping i won't be found In amongst the clothing Tryin' not to make a sound "Hideaway, hideaway You know you just can't hideaway!"
  7. My Soul In The Breeze

    So now that the lyrics feel complete, maybe people following this thread can take a listen? Lyrics are intended for music, and the two need to consider each other, right? https://jackfosteriii.bandcamp.com/track/my-soul-in-the-breeze I just remembered I forgot to record the whisper! Oh well.
  8. My Soul In The Breeze

    Thanks M57. Yeah, the chords are sussy and colorful . . . added nines and sixes. But the song isn't exactly jazz, of course! I'm not a producer, but I've been lucky enough to be associated with a couple of great producers: Trent Gardner and Robert Berry. (Trent has passed away.) I'm usually fairly startled to see where a song ends up production-wise when I bring in simple versions like this! Certainly there'll be real drums. And keys. Given the mood, I'm thinking some ethereal pad; but you're right -- Rhodes would sound great! "Senescent" has gone away, replaced by "aging". Other lyrical changes as well. The 3rd verse is kind of an altered verse now, and could turn into a bridge. I've replaced the recording attached to the link, so if you want to hear the newer version, it's there. Again; thanks for your comments.
  9. My Soul In The Breeze

    I was out-of-town yesterday, but Wednesday night I had a song-writing session with a couple of friends (really more of a social thing!) and this idea of yours came into my head. The song ended up being entitled "Under The Surface (there's something going on)" THANK YOU very much!
  10. My Soul In The Breeze

    Thanks R-N-R Jim and HoboSage. Yeah, just a demo. I slapped down the loop, recorded a chorused hollowbody and doubled with an acoustic (one take each!) Since I didn't want to spend time working on a vocal, I just recorded vocals twice, then spent a little time correcting the match and spot pitch-correcting. (You can hear I got tired of doing that near the end! Not really worth the extra time for the demo.) Tried the solo twice. Liked the first half of one and the second of the other. The singer is the singer, but yeah; major harmony potential! The metronome track was set to 80; so maybe a little slow? That's good feedback. Also -- no way I'll double the lead vocal throughout for the serous production effort. Loses a lot of personality that way. I wanted to hear melody for the demo. The guitar is a Gibson J-185 with piezo installed at factory. Good ears! You're right that the guitar would sound better mic'ed but I don't really have a good mic. I use my Audix stage mic for recording pretty much everything for my demos. Yeah, I know: not ideal. But I go into a professional studio when I get serious! Oh yeah; edited to add. Yeah, originally a different pic on the track. On the lyric forum, one critic said: "Seems you are on some kind of a mind altering trip" . . . so I thought I would remove that particular source of bias.
  11. My Own Master - Locked

    Nice! The only line that bugs a bit is in the chorus: "Will it bring disaster." The line doesn't reflect a new-found confidence! Another suggestion is that your 2nd pre-chorus could be the same lyric as the first, since the first pc isn't followed by a chorus. It allows the pre-chorus to act as a refrain; especially since the 2nd verse is also a reflection of negative memories. This is good! Reminds me somehow of an Eagles lyric . . . (Not quite sure why.)
  12. My Soul In The Breeze

    Wow! This board is amazing! Thank you all! I'd like to return the favor. At first I loved "swallow", but maybe it's not quite right. I hadn't read DonnaMarilyn's last post before re-posting the bridge. So obviously there's some flux. I'll mull it over some, then re-post up top and re-record. For now: My breath grows short, my shadow grows so long The dark caresses, carefully covers me and illuminates the shades that cease to haunt I join them now, they rediscover me
  13. My Soul In The Breeze

    My breath is short, my shadow grows so long The darkness takes its time to swallow me Illuminating shades that cease to haunt I join them now and leave the hollow me ??
  14. My Soul In The Breeze

    Great comments Donna and Ty! THANK YOU BOTH so much! In writing this song I had a melody first, and in the verses there are long held-out notes as part of the melody. So a whole verse in only 12 syllables long! Of course that’s not a requirement of the song; I certainly could split long notes up or add grace notes to add syllables if it’s effective to do so. Donna, the “close my eyes change my size” line? For me, this just means one’s imagination or subconscious can be ascendent over reality when one closes one’s eyes and imagines or dreams. (And I just misspelled “lode”! No intent there.) A re-write: Rocky road ( . . . is also an ice cream flavor, which may have been part of Barney’s problem! Leaving it for now.) oversold I’m trapped within aging skin And I am short of solutions bereft of conclusions can’t see the sky through the trees Am I out of my body out of the window? Feeling my soul in the breeze Close my eyes change my size keep ‘em closed the mother lode And I can’t make decisions unsure of opinions can’t see the sky through the trees Am I out of my body out of the window? Feeling my soul in the breeze Feeling my soul in the breeze tonight The shadows grow so long across the floor The darkness takes its time to cover me Illuminating shades that cease to haunt I’ve known them all, now they discover me (Time is up take the cup bittersweet numbness creeps) (Not sure if there’s still time for this verse.) Because I’m out of solutions (Adding back “because”. Enough there now for the listener to ask “why?”) out of conclusions Out of decisions, out of opinions out of emotions, out of devotion out of life’s options, everything’s toxic out of compassion, left with distractions lost all my fire, out of desire out of my body out of the window feeling my soul in the breeze feeling my soul in the breeze my heart and my soul in the breeze tonight tonight