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jazzraptor

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jazzraptor last won the day on April 9

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About jazzraptor

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    Contributing Muse

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    http://jackfosteriii.bandcamp.com/

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    San Francisco

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    both

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  1. jazzraptor

    The Politician

    Yeah, real drums would be great! Maybe I'll try to find a drummer . . . I played the bass on this one, and I'm not really a bass player. Though I have been playing more recently and I definitely see the appeal! It's fun!
  2. jazzraptor

    Dreams (new 2018 version)

    Hey, really nice! Good song with airplay potential. A few things lyrically. I don't like the first line of the chorus, and not just because I'm straight-laced. "Don't you wanna come in my bed tonight?" kind of ruins the romantic angle for me. I mean ultimately you get there anyway with "say you're gonna stay with me tonight". But to start the chorus with a lustful/sexual request? I don't know. If I were a chick, I would doubt your sincerity! How about "Don't you wanna come out with me tonight"? I love "you unfold me", but the first time you use it . . . there's no evidence of unfolding. How about something else to start? You embolden me? You re-make me? I don't know. Maybe no change. Like I said, I like it but brainstorming . . . There's a counter-melody lyric after "I'll never say it", and I can't make it out. If it's important, of course there are ways of making it more clear . . . Ok . . .gonna listen one more time and then . . . Yeah. Good song!
  3. jazzraptor

    Sands Of Time

    Sounds like alt rock to me! I like it! Nothing much to add other than, looking forward to hearing the song progress. -- J
  4. jazzraptor

    It's All Gonna Work Out

    Really strong, Justin!
  5. jazzraptor

    The Politician

    Thanks Jonie! Mick tuned up the lyrics some, and I re-sang. (I also cleaned up the guitar solo a bit, and changed the accompaniment on the bridge just to mix it up a bit, vis a vis Joe's comments . . .) Posted the link up top . . .
  6. jazzraptor

    Tomorrow Girl

    I like the title/hook! The line "You're my intention tomorrow girl" is a bit off. Why isn't she the singer's intention . . . today? How about just drop "intention": You're my tomorrow girl my no more sorrow girl Happiness and love and laughter I tell you now you're the one I'm after oh my, oh my, oh my tomorrow girl . . .
  7. jazzraptor

    Facing Polaris -- Long Version

    The biggest difference? 45 seconds shorter! I thought moving it along would help hold it together. I recorded versions at 82, 80, 78, and 75 bpm, but they all seemed rushed. This one's at 70, and I think that splits the difference pretty well. Shorter intro, shorter first chorus. . . (yeah, back vocals are bit of a surprise when they first come in! LOL! I'll figure that out. . .) AND . . . it's nice to have it on a grid/canvas now. Get some real drums and some keys on it . . . Thanks, Justin!
  8. Very nice! I definitely hear Coldplay. So no true chorus, which is an interesting decision that weakens the song a bit for me -- especially since the pseudo-chorus is very similar musically to the verses. The big crescendo throughout the whole song makes up for it some. And you do have the tag refrain at the end of the song. I generally like the lyrics, though there are a few places and words that seem out of place: "anyhow", "chatter", "our each breathes", "misteltoes" . . . (this word and usages gives the connotation of Christmas for me, which I'm not sure you want. Also, the word isn't typically pluralized, though I don't know if it's wrong to do so.) Phrasing is just a bit strange too, with weak words like "the" and weak syllables within words often emphasized by the music and melody. But all in all, I like it! Nice production and orchestration, good voice. So, the BIG question: which guitar did you sell, and which did you buy?
  9. jazzraptor

    Facing Polaris -- Long Version

    Edited song (at top). Bump.
  10. jazzraptor

    The Politician

    Hey, nothing wrong with your critique! I may go back now and spend a little time on it . . .
  11. jazzraptor

    The Politician

    So I saw Mick posting some great lyrics, and asked through PM if he'd like to hear this lyric put to music. He said he'd love to hear something, and this was the result. I think OWLR nailed it. Not a great arrangement effort. My mindset was basically . . . record the song to show Mick what I was thinking for the lyric. Not really even a work-in-progress. But that's the wrong mindset; I should have made a better effort. Thanks for comments.
  12. jazzraptor

    shining star

    I think the best way to go is to edit the opening post of the thread, therefore putting the revision at the very top of the thread. That way, when people do their reviews, they review the newest version... -- J
  13. https://jackfosteriii.bandcamp.com/track/the-politician Newest version The Politician ©2018 Beer/Foster lyric by Mick Beer music by Jack Foster III The man is always so well dressed All his suits are perfectly pressed The smile of a great white shark Making his bite worse than his bark And he has a moral compass That’s points towards dubious He’s a man among men the creme de la creme He’s a politician With his silver tongue He can do no wrong He’s a politician Oh yeah, he’s a politician Yeah, he's a politician He lives inside the back pocket Of whoever fills his wallet He’s a man of the people Who dances round what is legal But he’ll never do any time For committing white collar crime He’s a man among men the creme de la creme He’s a politician With his silver tongue He can do no wrong He’s a politician Oh yeah, he’s a politician Yeah, he's a politician He’ll promise you anything As long as at the end of day It makes a lot of money And some of it comes his way But the man can never be blamed Playing the political game Cause what he does actually Is only what comes naturally And we don’t really have much choice He represents the people’s voice He’s a man among men the creme de la creme He’s a politician With his silver tongue He can do no wrong He’s a politician Oh yeah, he’s a politician Yeah, he's a politician Don’t like his direction? Then vote at the election Collaboration with Mick Beers . . . The Politician ©2018 Beers/Foster lyric by Mick Beers music by Jack Foster III The man is always so well dressed With all his suits perfectly pressed A smile so big it leaves stretch marks And big white teeth stolen from sharks And he has a moral compass That’s pointing towards dubious He’s the creme de la creme A man among men He’s a politician With a silver tongue He can do no wrong He’s a politician Oh yes he’s a politician He lives inside the back pocket Of whoever fills his wallet He is a man of the people Who dance around what is legal But he’ll never do any time For committing white collar crime He’s the creme de la creme A man among men He’s a politician With a silver tongue He can do no wrong He’s a politician Oh yes he’s a politician He believes in wealth for all with no wars like vietnam Just long as money’s flowing And long it’s crossing his palm But the man can never be blamed Playing the political game Cause what he does actually Is just what comes naturally And we don’t really have much choice He represents the people’s voice He’s the creme de la creme A man among men He’s a politician With a silver tongue He can do no wrong He’s a politician Oh yes he’s a politician If you don’t like his direction Next time vote at the election
  14. jazzraptor

    A Beer Will Have to Do

    Wow, now that's a re-write! Totally different song now -- from moody desperation, to a comedy piece. I like it! I got stuck the same place as Kuya: micro shit? Every real beer drinker I know loves the micro-brewery "shit"! (But hey; it's a song.) The song now reminds me of a (departed) friend's play on Johnny Cash's "I've been everywhere" called: "I've had every beer". From 4:05 . . .
  15. SO . . . this was the result of a song-writing dinner party with two other friends in one of my bands! (Then another two dinner parties to record.) Everybody should try this! So much fun! There wasn't a strong editor involved in either the writing or the recording! Somebody had a line or an idea . . . and that's what we did! LOL! Under The Surface by Lynda Upthegrove, Richard Huebner, & Jack Foster III Under the space we’re in there something going on Under The Surface there's something going on Current can't pull me under But that's power - a power that I respect In the space between the strange face breaths Top of the water To bottom of the fog leap of faith in space in between It all Under The Surface there's something going on From one synapse to another Emotion under cover Foggy nights of mystery The time that energy discovers Good intention hovers Love one another Points of light traveling together Frequency emotion Mystery is golden Storied days and glory ways Transition super nova day Or to another day I like the space we’re in Looks like the light we’re in Under The Surface there's something going on
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