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ART1108 last won the day on March 1

ART1108 had the most liked content!

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About ART1108

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    Contributing Muse

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  1. Words forgotten: a child's lament

    Wow I really like the message in these lyrics. It seems really long for a song though. I could be wrong I’m just an amateur but maybe you could find a different format. There are other people on here that can give you some better feedback that have way more experience. Overall I really like the flow and the message.
  2. Black Sheep

    Yeah, JazzRaptor pretty much said it. Right now it needs song form. I would look up all the different types of formats and play with your words and see which format they work best in. I can kind of see it being something like Peter, Paul, and Mary’s “Don’t Laugh At Me” song. I mean it doesn’t have to be folk but it would be a good song to look at if you want to kind of get a feel on a bullying song and the format they use. Best of luck!
  3. Home in the Stars - LOCKED

    I think you did a great job on these lyrics. I definitely like the rewrites on your verses. It’s crazy how changing even the simplest words makes such an impact. I like “desperately needing to land” over “searching for somewhere to land” searching just kind of sounds leisurely. Where as desperately shows the panic in your situation. Also I prefer “somewhere suitable” Over “last one suitable” because you lost communication so you really don’t know that that’s the last place. I’m with Paul on that it reminds me of ground control to Major Tom. Good job!👍
  4. My Soul In The Breeze

    You know I was kind of with Barneyboy on this at first until I read Donnas and Ty’s remarks. Than I felt really dumb at how clear the message really was and I hadn’t seen it. It is a great write and I think Donnas right on how it really fits for poetry. I would love to hear it to the music you wrote.
  5. You Will Never Know Her

    Patty, you gave some WONDERFUL advice. I really see the story coming out. Thank you so much for your help. Barneyboy, as usual my worst critique, but I like that about you. As far as a few misspelled words (always embarrassing) it was extremely late at night and had several projects going on in my brain but thanks for the corrections. Bemused I thought meant confused. As in he loved the drink more and someone who is constantly drinking just causes confusion and they lose who they are. But after going over it you’re right it doesn’t work. Thank you guys all for looking it over for me. I will definitely get working on it and try to post my next rewrite soon.
  6. Well you did amazing on the details that you got on the facts of why it couldn’t be him. Also your lines “Fearing insanity, He died alone” someone said that wasnt relevant. Well, it certainly is! It plays into the title of “POOR John Druitt”. Overall really good!
  7. Sleeping Around

    I don’t believe this lyric is finished. It seems rushed and just thrown together. You start out with saying you don’t make threats but then the second line contradicts that. It is basically a threat. You pick up a girl that I’m assuming was kicked out for cheating. You didn’t really clarify there. Then you get upset because I guess she’s cheating on you and you leave her with two bags and a key but you changed the locks because she’s eating and leaving dishes. Yeah, I feel like you’re leaving a lot of the story out. What is the girls story. Why was she kicked out on the street? Why did you decide to pick her up? I do think it’s funny how you leave her the key but you changed the locks. That’s hilarious! I look forward to seeing what you end up coming up with for this song. I think it’s got potential to be a great song.
  8. You Will Never Know Her

    Anyone can get drunk off cognac LMAO it’s liquor! And yes that’s exactly what he did was sign his writes over so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. I’m already trying to rewrite it so the whole story kind of plays out this time instead of bits n peices although it makes the song a lot longer. Boy you really love tearing apart every inch of my lyrics lol youve done this to three of my lyrics. Seeing that you seem to be so invested into making comments and tearing my lyrics up word for word maybe you’ll look at what I’m playing around with and tell me what you think! I’d like to get advice from my worst critique! This is what I’ve played with so far. It is way way off from being ready. This is a complete rough draft and need to get the meter fitting. Rough draft Barneyboy..... hit me with your best shot! You Will Never Know Her(V1) She was full of life, our beautiful little girl. With a smile on her face, she always loved to twirl. You would come and go whenever you pleased the only way to hear about you was asking on the streets.After you missed three of her birthdays The smile on her face started fading away So I packed all of our bags and walked out the door. And told you that we couldn’t be doing this no more. (V2) The days turned to weeks and weeks into months.You did not come to look for us not even once.You knew where to find us, so that’s no excuse you loved the drink more you’ve become so bemuse.Eventually A man came along who took care of us and made me his wife, And promised that our girl would have a better life.You didn’t try to stop it, It was your easy way out.No more court ordered child support for you to pay out.(Pre-chorus)He gave her animal kisses as he tucked her in at night. Learned how to put her ponytails up just right. He Told her he loved her every day and promised her he would never walk away. (Chorus)He knows that she prefers blue over pink and that coke is her favorite drink. He never missed one of her recitals and loved to hear her play. You will never know her like he does because you let her walk away.(V3) Now that she is almost all grown you want her back. You must be crazy and drinking too much cognac. You haven’t been around for any milestonesand you show up out of Know where completely stoned. You haven’t changed yourself a bit, your still the guy who quit and split. You have missed out and now it is too lateThere is nothing, left for us at all to debate.(Pre-chorus)He gave her animal kisses as he tucked her in at night. Learned how to put her ponytails up just right. He Told her he loved her every day and promised her he would never walk away. (Chorus)He knows that she prefers blue over pink and that coke is her favorite drink. He never missed one of her recitals and loved to hear her play. You will never know her like he does because you let her walk away.(Bridge)You never gave her any of your timeNow the memory of you has faded to the back of her mind. she is no longer your little girl She’s the center of another mans worldThere is no going back, It is what it is.And now her heart will always be his.(Pre-chorus)He gave her animal kisses as he tucked her in at night. Learned how to put her ponytails up just right. He Told her he loved her every day and promised her he would never walk away. (Chorus)He knows that she prefers blue over pink and that coke is her favorite drink. He never missed one of her recitals and loved to hear her play. You will never know her like he does because you let her walk away.
  9. You Will Never Know Her

    Thanks Patty! That’s what I was thinking would probably work best was VVCVCBC. I’ll play around with that. Thanks for your kind words!
  10. Your Counterfeit Heart

    Brilliant! This was a lot of fun to read. They lyrics were great and have a wonderful message. Yours was in my top 3. Good job!
  11. You Will Never Know Her

    No I appreciate your feedback. I wrote out a background for you on what my motivation was for that song. If you know anyway to help me relate it better so it comes out the way that it’s meant to be that would be greatly appreciated.
  12. You Will Never Know Her

    It’s funny how I can start off feeling pretty good about a lyric I write and then I post on here and it’s like feeding it to the sharks. Within minutes I go from feeling pretty good about a lyric, to damn I can’t write for shit! I appreciate your feedback though. You really have to have TOUGH skin to be vulnerable with your lyrics. As much as it hurts sometimes I’m not giving up and I’m going to keep on. I’m fully going to take advantage of these feedbacks. I guess I’m back off to the drawing board to do some more rewrites after rewrites lol. Thanks!
  13. You Will Never Know Her

    Well , no, I enjoyed your feedback. A little background on why I wrote this song. Pretty much this woman was in love with a man who did not love her back. He was a drunk druggy that cheated all the time. The lady got pregnant and was threatened to abort or he would kill both of the baby and the lady. She refused to do it. Later the guy gave in and took her her back into his home. When the lady gave birth he wasn’t there, he never signed papers or anything. He never gave them any of his time because he was always wasted and and didn’t care. So the lady finally packs her bags and tells him she’s not coming back this time. They’ve been together since 16 and he knows where to find her. He would always come back for the lady when he was ready. She was stupid and would always go back. This time for her daughters sake she didn’t go back. The man that Marrys the lady adopts the 3 year old child because the biological father refused to be in any part of her life. So this man raises her since she was 3 in a happy drug free home. Was always there for her. He is a good man. When I say the girl is all grown she’s still only 15 she’s just not a baby anymore and all of a sudden he shows up after all of these years super drunk and decides hey he wants to be in her life. It’s too late for that. She’s been adopted and is in a Healthy father daughter relationship with someone that actually took time for her and that loves her. The story wasn’t meant in anyway at getting back at the ex. It’s more so for closure that she’s fine, we are fine and happy and it’s too late to come years later and act like everything is okay. It’s not a jab at the ex it’s a props to this man that stepped up and raised this beautiful girl and turned her into this young woman that she is and there is no room for a dead beat that doesn’t obviously want to change his ways because he’s wanting her back several years later and is still a druggy drunk hence cognac. Thats why I wrote you will never know her like he does, because he took the time. That’s what inspired me for this song. Maybe the route I went doesn’t make sense but it certainly is not a jab.
  14. You Will Never Know Her

    The chorus IS about the new guy. It’s all about how the new guy is ALWAYS there for her. This song is NOT about punishing an ex. It’s about a man pushing away his family so they eventually leave. But like just about every woman that’s caught up in a bad cycle hopes that their man would come for them and he never does, which shows he doesn’t care. Another man comes into their lives and gives them a taste of normalcy and shows them what love is. Cognac was not meant to be a forced line. It’s him coming back many years later being a screw up drunk still not truly caring just trying to mess things up even though he wasn’t there for years, why now?! He screwed up and now it’s too late. She doesn’t really know him anymore. I’m happy with my lyrics I was trying to figure out different layouts for it. Thanks for your input.
  15. I disagree with Barneyboy on making Johns case. your lines “But the facts don’t stack Time stamps don’t match Blackheath to Bournemouth Travels to Dorset Matches reported And trains boarded That left little room for late night prowling” shows he wasnt there during the times of the murders. So yes I would say you made his case. As far as the length of the song goes I don’t see it being too long. You have a very nice flow. The lines in each of the verses match up perfectly. I like the layout of your song. I don’t think you need to make any changes. It’s a really great song. Keep up the good work!