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WB Dusome

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WB Dusome last won the day on November 19 2017

WB Dusome had the most liked content!

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About WB Dusome

  • Rank
    Muse In Training
  • Birthday July 27

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Hamilton, Ontario, CA

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    From Jazz, to country, From R&B, to Emo, From Psytrance to Lofi. From Canadiana to Death Metal. Good tunes, is good tunes.
  1. Play

    Here is a revamped version of the first verse. Let me know what you think? used to play in the streets or in the shopping malls but things are not what they used to be used to play on tire swings or under waterfalls now concrete walls are all I can see used to play with the kid from down the street our parents fought I think its my fault play unites play connects us all it tears down the walls gives us the will to fight back
  2. Concrete Canyon

    Hmm James, I like some of the imagery at play here I am hearing this person is powerful, resourceful and charismatic and has people following them But i don't hear a purpose for them Who is this person talking to? What are they trying to get done? Why does this person have this power? Answering those questions will have the imagery shine instead of getting lost.
  3. Play

    This song is a first draft looking to get feedback. It's gone through some changes over a couple hours tinkering with it. but want to see what ya'll think. This song has phrasing that drives it forward I will include commas to represent breaks in the phrasing to show prosody. The Phrasing has hints of The Replacements' Bastards of Young or The Get Up Kids' I'm a Loner Dottie, a Rebel. Play verse used to play, in the streets, or in the shopping malls but things are not, what they used to be let me tell you what, i think, about play and creativity, I'm no expert, but thats, not my fault chorus play unites, play connects us all play unites, play connects us all it tears down the walls, play gives us the will to fight, back! verse what little imagination left, is voluntarily stifled by policing thought, or medicating truth from endless surveillance, and gadgets that have no use kids are caught, in a vicious cycle bridge don't let, the kids die let them show, what they have inside don't forget, the lessons don't let the kids, die! chorus play unites, play connects us all play unites, play connects us all it tears down the walls, play gives us the will to fight, back!
  4. One In A Million

    Very creative chorus. You really make it work. I would like to shore up the meaning by changing "but it ain't me" to "but that one is me" Lots of negativity and anger here, which makes me curious about the use of religious language and allusions. I think I need more information, it sounds like its a confrontation between a narcissist and an empath. Seeing right through the bullshit and bringing this person down to earth. I think picking a focus and running with it will really let the creativity of your lines show. Definitely know what you're doing!
  5. Love Hotel

    Hi Dani, Like this sort of song. Very good ways to explain all the feelings going into a new relationship. The updated version is an improvement. However, some of the forced rhymes remain and prosody issue continue. There is great flow but some of the lines trail off instead of being "punchy" if that makes sense? One thing I have been keeping an eye in my music lately is tone, and it may be over analyzing, but the last chorus now makes my mind wonder if instead of a one night stand it may be an abuse. I am stuck on the "I can now speak" a subtle change to convey a new confidence would punch the message home more. Really wanna just leave broad ideas to change. Very excited with what you can come up from it based on what I said. Lots of creativity on display here.
  6. Murder and Mayhem

    SongWolf, Will agree with James. You lost me on the description of Mayham. Mayhem is five foot three with red wiry hair she's got a lust for fire and flames. Together they make a destructive pair. A touch more gore too would be good. You set up these characters, lets seem their work. This structure is one of my favourites and it helps drive the story a long. If you get a chance to watch it, Occult crimes on Netflix gives a good depiction of these kinds of characters.
  7. One Plus One

    To take a hint from JohnV I would suggest grounding the song in one place. The first and second sections have us in a park and then in a parking lot. Then later shes on a dirt road walking away then I guess your at home in bed? The imagery is strong in each section but all the best descriptions could describe one place instead of many. I am torn where I would suggest you ground it. The line of sitting on the car is so suburban romantic. I settled on this. Tuesday, you and I hand in hand. Walking through the park at the usual time of day. Listening to the birds as they sing away. I pick up their tune singing you a song. About a boy and a girl together. As they conquered their world. Can you see what this equals too?
  8. Written 10 years ago, lets see what the critics has to say about my classic song. I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone. It's winter now my corners filled with icy air my matted hair is frozen anyway but don't laugh at my real estate I know you can't relate so try this on for size I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone Remembering a time not frozen to the bone ... I wouldn't have bones Wishing everyone had a home I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone So I can give joy to warm bodies Running down the diamonds on your hands So i would be sought after by the rich So I don't need to make another hitch on an August afternoon I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone Remembering a time not frozen to the bone ... I wouldn't have bones Wishing everyone had a home I wish I was an Ice Cream Cone So I can be useful that way and solve so many problems today Yea, Useful that way Useful that way Okay!
  9. Cutting Me Loose

    lots of great suggestions here from two smart critique-rs. the questions really resonate through this song. They really grab the listener/readers attention. So I would consider saying/asking what you want to say/ask in less verses as well. On a 3rd and 4th read, my want for a different word than "easing" remained for the beginning of the chorus - I simply suggest a swap. "Breaking it off? Easing me out? Taking flight? Have I got that right?" thats just more punchy, more bold. What do you think so far?
  10. Tossed out and Broken

    SB, thanks for illuminating how you approached this song. Your initial thought of it being about a rejection is correct. Yes it is. absolutely. The allusion to poker is presupposing that people can think of a relationship as a game of chance. It was an attempt to turn-a-phrase. To Ante Up is to enter the game, to be committed. "you forgot your cards over dinner" should suggest (but not strong enough) that the partner was not in the game to begin with and in one instance it reveled it self. This harkens back to the "better not sweat it" line. Suggesting a non-committal attitude from the other lover. I disagree with James that there is no established rhyme structure. But I liked your swap. The rhyme remains, "er". And! I can't believe no one likes the soft rhyme/alliteration eh? "took me for granted, we're not solid, not granite." I thought it was clever... There is no chorus. So, sorry if you were expecting one? every third stanza has a different rhyme structure (which I see I should have made consistent to each other) to resonate differently from the rest to signify that a new idea is being represented that supports our premise. So, I guess you can call them bridges??. I gave hard breaks for each rhyme or breath (if sung) I was going for. I'm going to take what all you said and change it up. But, It may just stay on the scrap heap. It really is a clear rip off of that song I included as inspiration for the song. I actually wrote a bridge which just leads to the refrain of that song "im looking for a soft place to land, the forest floor, the palm of your hand"..
  11. Yikes

    Jane! Hi! Thanks for the explanation! have at 'er its going to be great. With my additions I really wanted to put emphasis on the sayings or mantra's aspect you put forward with your chorus and parts of your verses and play up the tension between artist and music biz exec. and the choice to conform for the most money possible but then lashing out against self or others because of that decision later on, you wanted protect yourself but it lead you to even greater destruction. Too bad it doesn't work out rhythmically. It tells a deep story. I think it tells a similarly dark and deep story too. Have a great night Jane!
  12. Nimble Jack

    Nimble Jack. its pretty Tom Waits... which means theres not much room to change it. I think I recognize this from the competition? I gave it a high rating. Good work. I hope it sounds how you want it to sound.
  13. Yikes

    sell yourself, they say to always start strong well I'll begin with my weakest limb here you go business men lets see how the numb masses reflect upon its always sink or swim to catch the biggest fish i'll keep the lyrics clean keep this machine pristine with the latest cliche i'll never miss let the big boss keep programing me violence is never the answer stop living eye for an eye from behind a gating to ire for absolution has nuance's number and where theres smoke theres always fire. love this song. take or leave what i put in. I just wanted to clear up what my take away was from my first few reads. Hope it helps! I can hear the crunchy guitars behind this one. I love it.
  14. Tossed out and Broken

    this song was written a few years a go. written in the vein of a song by Kathleen Edwards called a Soft Place to Land. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vV1J3cQnj0 and is a work of fiction. my main focus when i wrote the song was to attempt to write something everyone can relate to. using images that people can imagine. My favourite writers have this way of doing that so easily and I am looking for advice to do that a little better. And to get feedback.
  15. Tossed out and Broken

    Tossed out and broken taken for granted we're not solid, not granite I cant understand it he wrote me a letter that says better not sweat it but I can't limit my own disappointment This month has been the worst far and away acting out the worst feels like im under your thumb and just like the Toronto Sun you've thrown me away. I anted up you erupt in to laughter this became a disaster you forgot your cards over dinner now i lay down my hand can this be the winner? couldn't have played my cards better but you can't change the weather I figured you out I'm calling you're bluffs while you're calling me names and I wont forget when you treated me like the ashes of your cigarette.