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Curtainjerker last won the day on August 5

Curtainjerker had the most liked content!

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34 Excellent

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About Curtainjerker

  • Rank
    Contributing Muse
  • Birthday 09/11/81

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  • Interests
    music, professional wrestling, writing, video games

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    nirvana, soundgarden, smashing pumpkins, placebo
  1. "Superkettle" / "Ten and Out"

    Hey all and thanks loads for the feedbacks, and sorry it took a while to get back to respond to them. Hobo, I'm perhaps showing a bit what world I'm in; I'm a trainee pro wrestler myself. To be honest, the use of the term within the song (as opposed to the choice of it as an artist name) was a bit of an afterthought and if it leads to that kind of confusion then I may omit it upon a revision. I think the reason I went for slugger (and it did take me ages to find a term that fitted with the idea that I had in my head) because I wanted it to have that imagery of having chunks taken out of you as you did it - something that doesn't come with grappler really (no matter if it perhaps should). I mean I wouldn't have used boxer either. Basically I'm aiming to evoke the fact that the battle isn't the most technical schooling ever put on, and nobody's really ending up feeling like a winner after it's all said and done. So yeah I think the idea of leaving out the reference to the artist name is a good idea, and will redo that bit however I've seen it written as one word plenty of times and hadn't honestly known it as two so that may be a language change going on I suppose. By the way "Superkettle" wasn't meant as the literal name of one of the fighters but more as a nickname for someone with an initiative-based, shock and awe relentless pressure style of fighting. Like boiling a kettle leading up to the bout, in order to just be a proverbial "head of steam" once it begins. Actually, I should probably find a place for that turn of phrase somewhere among the lyrics. I guess it nevertheless still shows that I'm a pro wrestler writing about combat, lol. But I was a trainee in mixed martial arts first so, I am in both worlds to an extent. Looking back on Ten and Out's chorus, I hadn't even initially cogged that I'd done that. During the I'm looking at myself a bit like a disembodied object and so, that's the basis of the choice there however if that doesn't translate then it needs reworking a bit. I think I'd prefer not to use "me" there in order to maintain that sense of disconnect but I'm sure it's possible to do that in such a way as to also not confuse the grammar distractingly. Good spot (to all those who pointed it out). John, no I shan't change my name when I'm a headliner (thanks for the confidence!). My choice of artist name is an expression of my pride in being an underdog, and respect for those who fill the lower spots on the card that fans often miss the value of (they are needed just as much as the mid card and upper card acts, and making a card at all is an amazing feat for anyone to achieve, contrasting to a lot of [understandable from a point of ignorance] fan frenzy mindset that supposes that anyone who isn't the current champ must be a worthless nobody taken fresh off the street). I won't lose that sense of pride if I become successful. I look on it more as a handle than a definer - like if I called myself something to do with bees for instance (because I love bees) then I wouldn't take that to mean I'm actually a bee. So I'm not thinking that I have to be currently a show-opener in order for calling myself curtainjerker to be valid. Hey most band names aren't literally what the band is, lol. Mine could be at some point. And if it does happen to stay that way then great, like I said I'll take a hell of a lot of pride in that but I'm not going to shun further success to maintain it or anything like that. I've set myself up for being called a sell-out a little bit, haven't I? lol, not that I'm very concerned over that kind of thing. Bob thanks for pointing out the lines you like! I shan't change those in a revision. Snarky, I love that it connected with you on some level, great that's what I'm going for. I tend to go personal a lot. The lyrics where I don't tend to end up more political, and to be honest I shelve most of my political stuff and don't even write it so much any more, mainly because it comes across a bit too preachy for my liking and that's a very seldom desired ingredient. They still are two songs, even as they're joined... it's just that the second one is particularly sparse with its lyrics, so I guess it makes the first one seem quite long by comparison. But it does work with the rhythm and structure of it and it isn't a long song in a general sense (haven't timed it but probably a 3-4 minuter). The build section probably makes it seem much longer, because of the way that it's basically the chorus gradually rumbling in... with some chords changed but an identical base pair around the alterations (simplistically speaking, build goes 1st-sharp1st-6th-7th whereas chorus goes 1st-1st-6th-5th, both in E minor), anchoring it to the same vocal melodies with some additional variation. As it does look long and seem less strong however, that could be an indication of possibly a lack of development within it and/or overabundance of repetition. Could be worth looking at again, and I'm already resolved to alter at least one part of it from Hobo's suggestion. Thanks again all for being wonderfully helpful and encouraging.
  2. Ain't Ever Gonna Last - Revised - Now - Locked Up Tight

    That makes sense, thanks for explaining. I think it works really well in that case.
  3. Punching Bag

    "You either get it or you don't" - clearly suggesting that I don't "I think I understand it a bit better than you do" - disagreement Never mind then. Not sure what that joke was for. Do you think this is funny? People get actually harmed over this kind of thing, your message does not exist in a bubble. But sure, if you're willing to stop having a laugh over my sincere attempt to help then I'll let it slide and ignore it. Will unfollow this post so you can be sure you won't hear any more from me on it.
  4. Punching Bag

    Hmm. You seem to think that I just don't get it. I'd say that's incorrect, with one exception of a thing you did clarify for me in that response - I now understand what you mean by "escape in a feeling no one can oppose", and that does make sense to me now. Aside from that, no I do actually get what you're getting at; I acknowledged it within my response (where I say "don't get me wrong, those moans for moaning's sake definitely do happen!", for instance) and attempted to present to you a layer further than that which I think you failed to pick up on. I fear this kind of song is going to send the unfortunate message of basically calling any prejudice-based complaint baseless. Are you really surprized that that's a thing someone could be fiercely opposed to? Hey, if you don't care that it's going to do that, then that's utterly your call to make. Just thought you'd want to be aware of it. Yes, you hit a nerve. The nerve is having real problems constantly downplayed by those in the world who think they're too cool to care about anything, and think that all problems are manufactured. I do agree that you hit on issues that a lot of people don't want to talk about and I'm not even saying that there isn't value in what you're portraying - it's what you leave out that's the cause of concern. Superficiality can be an unhappy bedfellow with controversy, again... it's your piece and you have every right to keep it superficial but don't then expect that to necessarily give you a free pass against criticism of its message. Shallow things can be problematic just as much as deep things can. If I got the interpretation of the sides being inequal incorrect, then shouldn't that be some kind of an indication that at least in my case, you haven't put across your intent very well? The way you pair them up and throw them out like that does, unintentionally, give it a tinge of suggestion of evenness between. I thought that'd be perhaps a valuable thing to point out? I think in a way I've struck a nerve with you too, just by virtue of not agreeing. I'm supposing that by the ferocity of your response. You do get that I wasn't putting it particularly aggressively, right? That was a deliberate choice, I wasn't trying to be aggressive, I was actually being very careful about how I said it so as not to offend you by daring to say it. Not special treatment or anything, that's just usually how I go about confrontation, I have quite a cautious personality in that particular way. I did not mean the technical compliment sarcastically by the way, I hope you can know that I meant that sincerely and genuinely. Something I didn't word very well, I think. I also didn't mean "preachy" as an insult, in case that was conveyed badly as well. It's a stylistic quality which while often maligned can work in some instances. But come on, your song tells people how they should behave. You surely have to at least see where someone's potentially coming from by labelling it that? Right? Have your song be its own thing, absolutely do. I don't have to like it, if that's not important to you then that's fair enough. I still stand by what I said. You had to know going in that this would be a contentious subject matter, yeah? You certainly couldn't seriously expect that nobody would have a problem with it. Right? We can agree to disagree if you'd like. Don't tell me that I don't understand it though, I think I understand it a bit better than you do. I would hope that kind of possibly useful other perspective would be one of the reasons you'd post up something for criticism in the first place. Is it not? Or do you just not count anything I said there as useful?
  5. "Superkettle" / "Ten and Out"

    That "I" instead of "me" moment was an odd choice but it just sounded better with the music behind it for some reason. Maybe partly because I didn't use a rhyme scheme for the verses - maybe that's what made a rhyme in them sound worse. Hmm that's probably it then (although yeah, now you mention it the first few lines do disagree with that and rhyme regardless - something to fix). Though I do most often go for rhyme schemes, I don't think songs necessarily need them; depends what sounds right for what the lyrics are set against. I hadn't completely cogged to how much this pair avoid using rhymes but I do see it now, but I see it as a feature rather than a problem. I'm glad that the mood came through on the finisher song. If you'd be interested for me to explain what I intended, basically speaking it's about the constant inner struggle between defiance and dejection, that in my mind plays out like a boxing match or something similar. The character has a moment of defining a victor between them, opting for defiance and surviving rather than opting for dejection and ceasing, however in the aftermath it creeps back and she's unsure again since you never really lose things about you that get stamped on your soul. Oblivion got defeated, but since it's nothingness to begin with, it's still with her regardless. Hope that clarifies things a bit. The character's based a lot on myself, comes from a very personal place and I know such things can be tricky to convey when you're close to them, doesn't always translate to the page. Clearly more work is needed on these. Thanks for the feedback.
  6. Finding you

    Ah cool, the intent comes across an awful lot clearer now after those edits. That's much better I think. I'm still left wondering what the lies are but it's not jarring any more because I wasn't questioning the character's motives before that in the song, so it works now. I think you probably meant "exists" in the chorus, rather than "exist"?
  7. "Superkettle" / "Ten and Out"

    These are two meant to finish the album, designed as two halves of each other, the first a headstrong ballbuster like the rest of the album and the second one trailing off into ballad territory as a contrast, but in the same key and with clear musical links. Almost like a songs-wide question-and-answer, if you will. As a pair they cement the concept of the album, and the first of them also drops both the album's title ("a pair of rust eyed sluggers on the card") and my artist name. And yeah, my stuff is generally depressing. Hope they come across well! Here we go: "Superkettle" [v1] I am an honor soul With a bloody thirst. Been thrown about too much to not burst, Should the setup demand it and I Long for validation in this flavour. They want me to let go Of the anger that serves as a driving force From the consequence memory burned, look across and see Pacifists with their noses stuck up at I. [chorus] A pair of rust eyed sluggers on the card, Fighting for your applause. Superkettle gets it done, Heat too intense for y'all. As the pressure begins to build... [v2] First match to be seen. Warm the bored marks up, hail the curtainjerker! Get their bloods heightened by your battering antics, we don't See the likes of your types lasting for long. [middle build] A pair of rust eyed sluggers on the card, All there was to spare. One corner dejection, eager to stop With an eye for a dare. Its opponent defiance, whistles and boils And refuses to die. The battle between them, internal in self, Resolves tonight. [peak of build] I embrace the less palatable, uglier refrain 'Cause it's the one that brings it home! Half of me gone, the other half is pain. Heat too intense for y'all. [chorus] A pair of rust eyed sluggers on the card, Fighting for your applause. Superkettle gets it done, Heat too intense for y'all. "Ten and Out" [v1] Hunk of meat. This machine Was meant to chew me up. Did not expect to be Spat out. [chorus] Old broken bones drags her carcass Across The abandoned abattoir. Rejects never forget Who we are. [v2] This result, To have survived... Left unsure It's a win. [chorus] As the younger are crushed in the ground, The few remaining wander Around The abandoned abattoir. Rejects never forget Who we are.
  8. MOOD

    Really nice flow on this, making up a rhythm in my head just by reading it. In verse 2: I would replace "it's just a preference" with "it's a preference". Or possibly "just a preference". Else it seems a bit syllable crowded. In verse 3: I have to admit the knighthood line made me giggle. That's really wacky. Does work with the position though! So I guess it works well! "The crackle of your heat is deafening" I don't know what it is about this line but I love it. I'm agreeing with the previous post that highlighted "some write a story with ink, some with a kiss" too. Strong lines. "Love paralysis" is a neat term as well. Very groovy stuff!
  9. Finding you

    This begins strong. The first verse I like a lot, especially the imagery of the wind drawing tears. Although I'm not sure what you mean by your head being drawn down? What's drawing it down? Perhaps another word here like "dipped" or "weighed" or something like that, for variety as well. "As I pass through towns" is wonderfully time-dismissive, evokes a sense of lostness. The chorus makes the character seem like a stalker. You specify that this person's chasing someone who just wants to be set free, and intends instead to pull that person in. Kinda screams "against your will" to me. It gains a fairly desperate tone with the last two lines, and I'm not sure if you intended the song protagonist to be sympathetic or not? In the second verse, the lines "these side streets I take" and "I've yet to take" jarr a bit due to the word repetition. Not a huge concern but I would suggest changing one "take" to a different word. At the end, I'm not sure what you are referring to the character relating to. The streets with winding paths? This romantic target being chased? It's unclear. In the second chorus I notice that you make a small variation, "ask you please" but this permission seeking seems to contradict the previously cemented determination, pulling in and not giving up so easily. Perhaps it wouldn't come across this way if the other person wasn't being described as only wanting to be set free, I dunno. The third verse confuses me. It begins with describing the romantic interest showing up with nowhere left to go, and the protagonist not thinking that the person cared... both seem to contradict everything that's been set up thus far (that they don't know where this person is and is trying to find them, and clings quite desperately to the idea of them caring)... the following quad of lines is baffling. The partner asks for sympathy, and gets neglect from the character, and yet the character is the one that feels disrespected, and that it's the partner's fault? That just doesn't make sense. It also doesn't make sense to say it's on the partner to change their own fate, when clearly the character intends to override whatever decision making they might have and "pull you in" regardless. And then suddenly, there are lies involved? The listener doesn't know what these lies are, they haven't been mentioned before. Altogether, I feel like this verse throws the whole thing into chaos. I hope I've not been too negative and I hope this all still remains constructive and possibly useful. This is just my take on it of course and someone else could see it differently.
  10. Ain't Ever Gonna Last - Revised - Now - Locked Up Tight

    From the start I do like the manner of speaking. There's something about this kind of straightforward openness of flaw and nihilistic tinge that I find terribly romanticizable, if that makes sense? Easy on the thoughts. The rhyming didn't come across to me as all over the place, so I wouldn't honestly have been able to tell had you not indicated as much. The first thing that strikes me about the main hook line ("we ain't ever gonna last") is the way it indicates that this is a couple who've attempted to last more than once already. Was that the intent? The phrasing seems to point to it. Which definitely works well thematically. I do like the semihook of "been sittin' here" too, it grounds the rhythm nicely with a strong base. Coming to the bridge, "I got empty bed" is grammatically odd, I'm wondering if "I got an empty bed" wouldn't work better? Although obviously I don't know the music behind it so it may well work better the first way. This is the first point also at which the rhyming appears to stumble structurally, "alas" and "last" being the 1st-and-4th of its second half rather than the 2nd-and-4th like the mind would (usually) expect. Again, this can work, depends entirely on the music it's fitted to. Worth keeping track of though. "Makin' friends with brand new mouse" is getting me a bit into the grammatic oddness of the bridge line that it matches in this way, actually. Beginning to dig the odd way it's spoke, so perhaps ignore my earlier suggestion. Not many problems at all with this from one line to the next, however there is something that seems a bit glaring and it's more of an overall thing; the given premise of the song (the relationship doomed to fail) doesn't get touched on, really at all aside from just that one hook line. All of the rest of it is focused in on how this guy is dealing with a thing that the listener is led to ponder about, but never given any detail on. It's up to you but my suggestion would be to reserve one half of the song to how this guy is contemplating it, and rewrite the other half to go into a bit of detail about what this relationship is and why it isn't going to ever last. Hope that helps.
  11. Punching Bag

    I don't agree with the message of the song, being as it posits "equal sides" as though there's absolutely nothing behind any actual blame (like it all just came out of nowhere randomly one day for no reason). So that'd be my take on the message of it. However, there's nothing wrong with disagreeing with the basic message of a song after all, that's no mark for or against its actual lyrical quality. Just be aware that people will have completely valid reasons to very fiercely dislike what's being said here. Try being on the end of some prejudice-based violence and see if you still think it's all just a made-up whining match, for instance. Don't get me wrong, those moans for moaning's sake definitely do happen! A lot. No doubt, but they aren't ALL that's behind it - there's a serious valid core there that your song is brushing over. However, that's maybe beyond the scope of this lyric so yeah, enough about the premise - onto the content. As to that, you have a cool flow going on here, I always like reading something that moves me from one line to the next smoothly like this. Can't argue with the edits made, I think they are good refinements. In the chorus, I do question the line "no one can oppose" as surely the point being made is that there are a whole load of people opposing each other. So I think that maybe doesn't work. In the verse, the last line also trips me up; "smiling there in vain"... I can't imagine anyone with blame to assign being someone who's smiling, and I'm also not sure what you're suggesting that the smiling is ineffective in achieving. Indeed, jump on Youtube and the overwhelming sight of people in videos with blame to assign is that of unhinged rage. Not much smiling going on. If you're suggesting that they smile in the mirror in private, perhaps as an ineffective means of cheering themselves up, then I think that could do with more clarification than a singular line. It invites explanation and if your song has no space to provide that explanation I'd say put something else there instead. So yeah those are two intact lines that I'd suggest reconsidering. Otherwise whilst definitely quite a preachy piece, you've done generally well constructing a lyric around this premise. I can't say I enjoyed it overall as I seldom enjoy messages I disagree with this much, but I did enjoy the parts of it from a more technical standpoint.
  12. Yikes

    Lol, well that's not a category to want to be in - REM can make lyrics work that nobody else can (including me!). Hmm. Perhaps the subject focus on this wants to be tighter. Might need to drop one of the threads, push the other. Probably drop the expectations aspect and push the mantras aspect. Cool feedback! I think it's okay as it is but I don't want to just settle for okay. Especially not on what would be the world's introduction to my music.
  13. Nimble Jack

    I love it, it sounds like you're fixing for a scrap with the guy.
  14. Yikes

    Glad you liked it. Musically it does have a driving quality to it (bit like it's punching the beat forwards with intent) so I'm glad to hear that comes through lyrically as well. Not sure why you call me James, perhaps some mix-up with someone else? I don't think I've had a reason to mention it yet, but my name's Jane.
  15. Nimble Jack

    Oh awesome, glad I could help.