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Curtainjerker last won the day on February 9

Curtainjerker had the most liked content!

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About Curtainjerker

  • Rank
    Contributing Muse
  • Birthday 09/11/1981

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  • Interests
    music, professional wrestling, writing, video games

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    nirvana, soundgarden, smashing pumpkins, placebo
  1. Black and white rewrite

    Thankyou Musical Key! Never pictured that as a lyric, will use in something now. Glad I could be of assistance Clemo. Nice to agree on that stuff too.
  2. Doldrum

    Thanks for the comments, Patty! I was juggling around words in that bit of the 2nd chorus. Should not live another day / should not last another day / should not have another day... in the end, I settled on a choice I thought carried a degree of bluntness with it. I mean it in the sense of should not exist. "Insisting sums just doesn't work" is referring to the main thing in the first verse, as in, when people imagine that adding a good deed to a bad deed results in the same as a neutral deed - when in actuality the bad deed is no less bad at all. So that's what I mean with all the calculation speak here. Yes, I do use arithmetic as a verb there. As for the spiders / flies thing (something I had someone else on another site point out to me as confusing), that's to do with the hypocrisy of their situation - that they're only choosing to view it in this adding / subtracting good and bad kind of way because they're already covered in the consequences of their deeds - it is a viewpoint bound to an excusing, and without the desire to make that excusing they probably wouldn't even be attempting to see it that way. If that makes sense? It is a very compacted metaphor. Of course, all of that is the bunch of my intentions, I'm not necessarily saying they're the most perfect versions. Part of why I love feedback is that it points out to me which bits of something to focus on and possibly rethink. I'm glad you dug the overall appeal of it, always happy to hear that.
  3. Doldrum

    Thanks for the feedback! I don't want to extend it really, as it's fairly neat and tidy structurally as it is. The kind of thing you might select as one of the singles off the album, if that makes sense? Short and sweet kinda going for. I think people who connect with it will connect with it well, though obviously that's just an assumption on my part. I live my life with a condition that has the potential to be dangerous, and I have been a danger to myself from it before (though never to the point of being a danger to others). I wrote this basically imagining being two people sharing a less in-control version of the same condition, and going through life kinda depressively content with carrying on, but still thinking over the dodgy logic behind that. So an exaggeration, in other words. If there are any particular parts you'd like further explanation on, then I'd be happy to provide it. Of course I do recognize that requiring an author explanation in order to understand a work of art is a fault in the first place - art shouldn't need that unless that's included as a part of it - but that doesn't go to say that it wouldn't be potentially interesting or useful nonetheless. If you're curious. I'm not sure what I hope people to feel from this song, exactly. As I say, it's more just reflective. Glad you liked it!
  4. Black and white rewrite

    An interesting exploration. Don't know if I'd agree with it but then that's half of what makes a politically-charged song like this good, is if it makes you think. I do like the switching of expectation, as it begins with a seeming straightforwardly rose-tinted nostalgic view and then immediately reverses the colour scheme on it (if you'll pardon the pun) and paints it negatively. Demonstrates perspective and piques interest to listen further. Lines such as "most poverty was solved" and "life was simple" trip up my alarm bells a bit. They seem to jump to conclusions that surely only some sections of society would agree with; it would heavily depend on your circumstances. I'm sure for the oft-mentioned homeless person, it would probably not seem like "most poverty was solved". But on the other hand, sometimes that kind of bluntness can be good. Like I said, makes you think. I personally fear my own government a lot more than I fear any fanatic and always have, so it kinda deconnects me a bit from the other conclusions being drawn that I already find a bit sweeping, if you get what I mean? I can swallow more easily the parts telling me what an experience I don't have was like (e.g. "in the days of black and white life was tough for working folk") than I can the parts telling me things I don't relate to about experiences I have had (e.g. supposing that the chief worry these days is fanatics). But I suppose the whole comparison might be a bit outside of my timeline in general, what with me being a gen X-and-a-halfer. I probably don't quite fit as an audience to this. Still I did enjoy it. As far as more technically, the loss of the expectant rhyme in the chorus "cope / white" does trip me up a bit. Not sure if it seems better with music or not, but it was a stumble from a reader's viewpoint. I know it's entirely possible that it could work fine regardless, as I've done a lot of sections myself that seem to want for a rhyme on the page but don't to the ear. So only even take this as a criticism if it seems that way to you.
  5. "Watching You Fly"

    In verse 1, you confuse the tense which is consistently present-tense aside from just "expectation filled the air" so I'd replace that perhaps with "expectation fills the air". The tense does fit the in-the-moment-capture type of theme you describe for the song. I love the prechorus line "and then the music starts" - that's exactly the kind of catchy thing that can snag the imagination and help bring the listener along on your journey with you. The chorus flows wonderfully. Have to concur with Anna there on the verse 4 line "ballerina silky moves" feeling grammatically awkward. It's rather fragmentational, unlike the rest of the words. I think something like "silky ballet moves" would suffice here, and feel less clumsy. Another great prechorus line, showing the progress of the thing you're enthralled by. Really like these. Hope those suggestions are helpful.
  6. Doldrum

    The music to this feels exhausted and warm, the structure is simplistic and the instrumentation heavy and rhythmically loose. Simple little pop-grunge thing in what is basically standard 4/4 time but with dropped beats everywhere, keeping the listener's expectation slightly uncomfortable as it trundles along. It goes out to everyone who suffers from something which has the potential to cause harm to themselves and others, and is intended to be reflective rather than encouraging. "Doldrum" [v1] I met your moral in a cycle Hypocrisy deprioritized We shall arithmetic our spiders We concluded wrapped in flies [ch1] A good deed don't bring back a lost one The consequence was had We never run out of excuses, though We continue and [v2] Our shameful doubt renders us numb Insisting sums just doesn't work We hold their lives in forfeit, should emergency come Should once more we turn berserk [ch2] We're not the worst of all the monsters But you know we're bad We should not be another day like this But it's the best we have
  7. Merit Time

    Thanks for the comments! I shall attempt to answer your questions. I often mess with plurality, as I've found that extraneous "s" sounds in lyrics can mess with the music of the sound of the vocals. So I've no problem breaking this grammar rule, which if you think about it is entirely unneeded to begin with. Just as long as I'm not making the actual meaning unobvious with it, I don't think of it as a problem. "Gel" / "self" is already a half-rhyme, so I don't see what difference is made by what word precedes "self"... it still ends in "self" and that's still the actual half-rhyme point. So I don't know what your suggestions are changing here. I think I need to explain where I'm coming from with the entire attitude of the piece. I have a lot of struggles and disabilities and I know life from the perspective of someone who must rely on others, who has no choice but to accept help, etc. What I'm expressing here is a longing for the pride achieved by 'just sucking it up' and although you can't genuinely just purely do that, for there is no opportunity to (thus all the exceptions the song mentions), there is still great value in it as a defiant attitude and something you do whenever you can. "Custom leans" refers to all the adjustments and enablings people require in order to allow them to make their own choices which can, then, be brave choices (hence, "to live dangerously"). As for the thing about the danger being not of the loss of health but of the loss of risk, this is referring to the hazard of becoming too comfortable resting in a particular situation. Everyone has that danger, really - whatever their circumstances are, there is going to be some kind of a choice they can make to do less and be better off than otherwise. I'm saying that's potentially more dangerous than the choice to do more and risk more because living your life meaning nothing and standing for nothing but being safe seems to me like nothing but a very slow death. The song might want mention of that somewhere, in order to clarify this position. Good stuff you made me think about for when I make edits. Kicking the gift horse, and biting the hand that feeds, each refer by reversing the common sayings to someone taking whatever their comfortable and safe route in life is and going against it. Often this does require one to be a bit unfair to others in the process, because people usually want to ease each other's path through life. Sometimes you really do have to throw something nice back in someone else's face and it's a really difficult thing to do! But it can be necessary, because too many things to own (as mentioned in the first verse) can behave as a sort of weight anchor and tether you to a kind of numbness in comfort. Sometimes you have to give things up, even when some other things you genuinely can't and must rely upon. It's an awkward mix of competing factors, but then so is life. I could easily replace "herself" with "themself" in order to be non-gender-specific and that's a good idea, thanks. Will do that. I wasn't thinking of the gender specificity at the time, I was just thinking of myself as the subject. But I do get rather easily lost in mixing subjects in my work, it's a particular pitfall to me. Good thing to be pointed out. The rhyme scheme is different between the first verse and the second verse. In the first verse it's ABAB, ABAB. In the second verse it's AABB, AABB although the second part does break an A in the process with "health" so I don't follow it perfectly. Perhaps that contributes to the change in rhyme structure not quite being obvious up until its second half, and it becomes obvious thanks to the exception. It is a strange one. I read it back to myself as well and noticed the same thing, and as I typed it up, wondered if others would. This part's gonna need some reworking I think. I might still keep the change in rhyme structure, but I want to actually follow it properly if I'm going to be doing that, no exceptions. Thanks again for the suggestions and as you can see they have been useful and I will be following some of them.
  8. The Trouble Is.. 02/16/2018 (final?!)

    I don't really have any critique for this, but I did want to say that I read it and it's quite beautiful. Also, science doesn't really say anything at all about souls (I think there's plenty of space for what they are to still be discovered, it just hasn't been yet). So yeah I do concur with maybe not going in that direction with that section.
  9. Merit Time

    This is quite a straightforward aggressive rock number, for my typical stuff. I really enjoy playing it because it's in such an outright belter type style and shows off my vocal strength unusually. It explores a less forgiving more struggle-proud side of my thought processes, thematically. Always think it's good to explore things that maybe don't leave you feeling the most comfortable that you expressed them. Anyway, here goes: (note: the font joins a lower-case C and L together, and makes the word CLIP look like DIP. It's meant to be CLIP) "Merit Time" [v1] Life under a crush Has a way to skew Easy to get lost In what they put you through All the thing you own Is anaesthetic gel Feel a human long To prove yourself [ch] Kick the gift horse Here's your rude awakening Come to clip those training wheels away 'Cause it's merit time [v2] And we each need help Nobody makes herself We need custom leans To live dangerously But the danger is not The loss of health What the danger is Is the loss of risk [ch] Kick the gift horse Here's your rude awakening Come to clip those training wheels away 'Cause it's merit time [instrumental shred section] [brg] We need to jump out of the loft bin Can't make the springboard soft And spring [ch] Kick the gift horse Here's your rude awakening Come to clip those training wheels away 'Cause it's merit time Dig the sand heel Bite the hand that feeds, and Feel a surge of power course through your vein 'Cause it's merit time
  10. Concrete Canyon

    This seems like one of those "slice of emotion" types of songs and I really dig some of the imagery here. I do have some minor suggestions. In the second verse, although grammatically inferior, I think "I don't need no love" could flow a bit better perhaps. The way the last four lines of the first verse have a particular rhyming structure and share so much in common with their counterparts in the second verse make my ear want the last four lines in the second verse to rhyme in the same way - and the first and third of them don't ("over the top" / "wait in line"). That might not be a problem at all but if you did want to repeat the rhyme structure you set before, I might suggest... actually you know what, I can't think of what to suggest and it's probably better as-is. Can't always go with expectations. I'm being picky. But still something to think on just in case you did want to do an edit to that. It's very enjoyable in its directness, which fits the mood. I like it.
  11. "Superkettle" / "Ten and Out"

    Hey all and thanks loads for the feedbacks, and sorry it took a while to get back to respond to them. Hobo, I'm perhaps showing a bit what world I'm in; I'm a trainee pro wrestler myself. To be honest, the use of the term within the song (as opposed to the choice of it as an artist name) was a bit of an afterthought and if it leads to that kind of confusion then I may omit it upon a revision. I think the reason I went for slugger (and it did take me ages to find a term that fitted with the idea that I had in my head) because I wanted it to have that imagery of having chunks taken out of you as you did it - something that doesn't come with grappler really (no matter if it perhaps should). I mean I wouldn't have used boxer either. Basically I'm aiming to evoke the fact that the battle isn't the most technical schooling ever put on, and nobody's really ending up feeling like a winner after it's all said and done. So yeah I think the idea of leaving out the reference to the artist name is a good idea, and will redo that bit however I've seen it written as one word plenty of times and hadn't honestly known it as two so that may be a language change going on I suppose. By the way "Superkettle" wasn't meant as the literal name of one of the fighters but more as a nickname for someone with an initiative-based, shock and awe relentless pressure style of fighting. Like boiling a kettle leading up to the bout, in order to just be a proverbial "head of steam" once it begins. Actually, I should probably find a place for that turn of phrase somewhere among the lyrics. I guess it nevertheless still shows that I'm a pro wrestler writing about combat, lol. But I was a trainee in mixed martial arts first so, I am in both worlds to an extent. Looking back on Ten and Out's chorus, I hadn't even initially cogged that I'd done that. During the I'm looking at myself a bit like a disembodied object and so, that's the basis of the choice there however if that doesn't translate then it needs reworking a bit. I think I'd prefer not to use "me" there in order to maintain that sense of disconnect but I'm sure it's possible to do that in such a way as to also not confuse the grammar distractingly. Good spot (to all those who pointed it out). John, no I shan't change my name when I'm a headliner (thanks for the confidence!). My choice of artist name is an expression of my pride in being an underdog, and respect for those who fill the lower spots on the card that fans often miss the value of (they are needed just as much as the mid card and upper card acts, and making a card at all is an amazing feat for anyone to achieve, contrasting to a lot of [understandable from a point of ignorance] fan frenzy mindset that supposes that anyone who isn't the current champ must be a worthless nobody taken fresh off the street). I won't lose that sense of pride if I become successful. I look on it more as a handle than a definer - like if I called myself something to do with bees for instance (because I love bees) then I wouldn't take that to mean I'm actually a bee. So I'm not thinking that I have to be currently a show-opener in order for calling myself curtainjerker to be valid. Hey most band names aren't literally what the band is, lol. Mine could be at some point. And if it does happen to stay that way then great, like I said I'll take a hell of a lot of pride in that but I'm not going to shun further success to maintain it or anything like that. I've set myself up for being called a sell-out a little bit, haven't I? lol, not that I'm very concerned over that kind of thing. Bob thanks for pointing out the lines you like! I shan't change those in a revision. Snarky, I love that it connected with you on some level, great that's what I'm going for. I tend to go personal a lot. The lyrics where I don't tend to end up more political, and to be honest I shelve most of my political stuff and don't even write it so much any more, mainly because it comes across a bit too preachy for my liking and that's a very seldom desired ingredient. They still are two songs, even as they're joined... it's just that the second one is particularly sparse with its lyrics, so I guess it makes the first one seem quite long by comparison. But it does work with the rhythm and structure of it and it isn't a long song in a general sense (haven't timed it but probably a 3-4 minuter). The build section probably makes it seem much longer, because of the way that it's basically the chorus gradually rumbling in... with some chords changed but an identical base pair around the alterations (simplistically speaking, build goes 1st-sharp1st-6th-7th whereas chorus goes 1st-1st-6th-5th, both in E minor), anchoring it to the same vocal melodies with some additional variation. As it does look long and seem less strong however, that could be an indication of possibly a lack of development within it and/or overabundance of repetition. Could be worth looking at again, and I'm already resolved to alter at least one part of it from Hobo's suggestion. Thanks again all for being wonderfully helpful and encouraging.
  12. Ain't Ever Gonna Last - Revised - Now - Locked Up Tight

    That makes sense, thanks for explaining. I think it works really well in that case.
  13. Punching Bag

    "You either get it or you don't" - clearly suggesting that I don't "I think I understand it a bit better than you do" - disagreement Never mind then. Not sure what that joke was for. Do you think this is funny? People get actually harmed over this kind of thing, your message does not exist in a bubble. But sure, if you're willing to stop having a laugh over my sincere attempt to help then I'll let it slide and ignore it. Will unfollow this post so you can be sure you won't hear any more from me on it.
  14. Punching Bag

    Hmm. You seem to think that I just don't get it. I'd say that's incorrect, with one exception of a thing you did clarify for me in that response - I now understand what you mean by "escape in a feeling no one can oppose", and that does make sense to me now. Aside from that, no I do actually get what you're getting at; I acknowledged it within my response (where I say "don't get me wrong, those moans for moaning's sake definitely do happen!", for instance) and attempted to present to you a layer further than that which I think you failed to pick up on. I fear this kind of song is going to send the unfortunate message of basically calling any prejudice-based complaint baseless. Are you really surprized that that's a thing someone could be fiercely opposed to? Hey, if you don't care that it's going to do that, then that's utterly your call to make. Just thought you'd want to be aware of it. Yes, you hit a nerve. The nerve is having real problems constantly downplayed by those in the world who think they're too cool to care about anything, and think that all problems are manufactured. I do agree that you hit on issues that a lot of people don't want to talk about and I'm not even saying that there isn't value in what you're portraying - it's what you leave out that's the cause of concern. Superficiality can be an unhappy bedfellow with controversy, again... it's your piece and you have every right to keep it superficial but don't then expect that to necessarily give you a free pass against criticism of its message. Shallow things can be problematic just as much as deep things can. If I got the interpretation of the sides being inequal incorrect, then shouldn't that be some kind of an indication that at least in my case, you haven't put across your intent very well? The way you pair them up and throw them out like that does, unintentionally, give it a tinge of suggestion of evenness between. I thought that'd be perhaps a valuable thing to point out? I think in a way I've struck a nerve with you too, just by virtue of not agreeing. I'm supposing that by the ferocity of your response. You do get that I wasn't putting it particularly aggressively, right? That was a deliberate choice, I wasn't trying to be aggressive, I was actually being very careful about how I said it so as not to offend you by daring to say it. Not special treatment or anything, that's just usually how I go about confrontation, I have quite a cautious personality in that particular way. I did not mean the technical compliment sarcastically by the way, I hope you can know that I meant that sincerely and genuinely. Something I didn't word very well, I think. I also didn't mean "preachy" as an insult, in case that was conveyed badly as well. It's a stylistic quality which while often maligned can work in some instances. But come on, your song tells people how they should behave. You surely have to at least see where someone's potentially coming from by labelling it that? Right? Have your song be its own thing, absolutely do. I don't have to like it, if that's not important to you then that's fair enough. I still stand by what I said. You had to know going in that this would be a contentious subject matter, yeah? You certainly couldn't seriously expect that nobody would have a problem with it. Right? We can agree to disagree if you'd like. Don't tell me that I don't understand it though, I think I understand it a bit better than you do. I would hope that kind of possibly useful other perspective would be one of the reasons you'd post up something for criticism in the first place. Is it not? Or do you just not count anything I said there as useful?
  15. "Superkettle" / "Ten and Out"

    That "I" instead of "me" moment was an odd choice but it just sounded better with the music behind it for some reason. Maybe partly because I didn't use a rhyme scheme for the verses - maybe that's what made a rhyme in them sound worse. Hmm that's probably it then (although yeah, now you mention it the first few lines do disagree with that and rhyme regardless - something to fix). Though I do most often go for rhyme schemes, I don't think songs necessarily need them; depends what sounds right for what the lyrics are set against. I hadn't completely cogged to how much this pair avoid using rhymes but I do see it now, but I see it as a feature rather than a problem. I'm glad that the mood came through on the finisher song. If you'd be interested for me to explain what I intended, basically speaking it's about the constant inner struggle between defiance and dejection, that in my mind plays out like a boxing match or something similar. The character has a moment of defining a victor between them, opting for defiance and surviving rather than opting for dejection and ceasing, however in the aftermath it creeps back and she's unsure again since you never really lose things about you that get stamped on your soul. Oblivion got defeated, but since it's nothingness to begin with, it's still with her regardless. Hope that clarifies things a bit. The character's based a lot on myself, comes from a very personal place and I know such things can be tricky to convey when you're close to them, doesn't always translate to the page. Clearly more work is needed on these. Thanks for the feedback.