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Curtainjerker last won the day on February 9

Curtainjerker had the most liked content!

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About Curtainjerker

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    Contributing Muse
  • Birthday 09/11/1981

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    music, professional wrestling, writing, video games

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    nirvana, soundgarden, smashing pumpkins, placebo

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  1. Curtainjerker


    "Sook" just means "seeked" (or "did seek"). "Kinician" as in someone manipulating kinetics - in this context, paying attention to physics in order to maximize sexual pleasure. Although honetly the word's mainly just in there 'cause it sounds neat. Thanks both of you for the words of encouragement! I feel qute happy now. I'm away over the weekend but I should be able to spare Monday and dig into a track. Probably this one, actually. I know exactly how I want the drums to go and it's well practiced and not missing lyrics, so... yeah would be a good starting point (the bridge vocal tune's actually one of the first I ever wrote, on the shelf for a very long time until this song formed around it). Also it's one I plan to perform soon. I've no idea why I'm so nervous over recording, but fine with performing. Kinda topsyturvy, lol. Thanks especially for the offer of your scrutiny and assistance, Sage. I'll take advantage of it, I think. I do love how supportive this site is! I was here many years ago, back when it had different emoticons and was called Muse's Muse, and I remember loads of ppl from back then I think (your usernames are both familiar), although I had a different username back then and wrote on piano rather than guitar.
  2. Curtainjerker

    Ghost in a Mirror revision 5-10

    Wow my apologies Mike, seems I've had that word wrong all along. Cheers for the correction.
  3. Curtainjerker


    Thanks. I guess I'm in a bit of a bind. If I'm being frank, I'm too shy to record stuff, and I kinda lean on my disorganized nature as an excuse for never getting it done. I like engaging with this site though. So I made a decision once to stop posting up lyrics as a kind of attempt to force me to record something. But then, I found that only resulted in keeping me away. But now I'm thinking, this isn't actually that useful, maybe I'm just wasting everyone's time. So maybe I should stop this again. Not as a confidence tactic but just because, well I am being a bit dumb here. Thanks for helping me recognize that again. I feel a bit daft. I should come back with a recording next time. Thanks for the feedback nonetheless, and I'd agree that it's relatively messy in structure, and also say it works with the music - which only bolsters your first point, that I shouldn't be posting these up without the music. Gotta bust through this fear I have and just get it done. Cheers.
  4. Curtainjerker

    Ghost in a Mirror revision 5-10

    small detail: at the end, you'd use "feint" with an E (meaning slight of visibility) in this context, as opposed to "faint" with an A (meaning to lose consciousness). I like the song a lot, and I'm drawn to it partly because not many people believe in spirits, so it's reassuring to connect with that. I don't see any flaws in the song as-is, aside from perhaps omission; the jump from a denied love to a dead love is left a little unfilled from the perspective of the guy looking at her in the mirror, and I feel like an additional part with perhaps the lad returning years later and finding out she'd passed on (for example) could close this narrative gap. Connect the past tale to the present mirror spectre, basically. Otherwise my mind goes "why in a mirror? when? who it is looking at her ghost?". Like maybe after walking by her grave he goes to stay in her old house and, staring into the mirror, sees her staring back. Something along those lines. Hope the idea helps anyway. It does work well as it stands, it's just a little bit of an assumption jump that's all.
  5. Curtainjerker

    Comic Girl Life

    I'll begin with a couple of minor nitpicks to get those out of the way: In verse 2, "your frozen" should be "you're frozen". In verse 3, I'm unsure if "derring-do" is a term? I'd always heard it as "daring-do". Not certain on this one, could be fine. I like the imagery this conjures, of wishing for the escapism of a comic book action superhero. I'd agree with replacing "feels so nice" as it sounds oddly nondescript for "the thrill of action". Perhaps instead, "The thrill of action, the roll of the dice" or "The thrill of action from the page to my eyes", more along those lines maybe? Where you say "cut like ice", it's a lovely sounding phrase but since ice isn't usually associated by default with being a cutting tool, maybe the song wants a bit more elaboration to form a connection here. For instance, does she or her nemesis have ice based superpowers, or live in a cold area? Bit more connecting detail such as that. I also don't get what was the price someone made her pay, and/or who made her pay it? Feel you may have left that too open-ended there. Not knowing that, I'm also not sure why the year being 2018 would make you doubt it. Is it the price of her comic book (out-of-universe) or some fate she met in the story (in-universe)? If both, then you'll want a few lines to link that up. As is, it's simply puzzling. Hope these thoughts help! edit: I just read your post with further explanations of these details. You could go two ways, really. You could either not care if it's a little on the less understandable side, and allow listeners to make their own interpretations (a perfectly valid option), or cut out the unexplained bits for a simpler more focused song. You -could- try and extend the lyrics to explain the details, but given what you said, it would probably bloat it too much.
  6. Curtainjerker


    This is a super slow grunge ballad that hugs around a pair of chords throughout, shifting the interlacing one to suggest major/minor alternation but maintaining the root, basically never changing key. Each line whilst usually being very drawn-out vocally has a lot of space to play with, should it call for more syllables. The verses are sung more conversationally, with the bridges more centered around a specific melody, but otherwise both sharing basically the same musical backing (serving the role of agonizing build-up to the chorus drop). Based loosely on a real experience, so a lot of personal emotion packed into this one. One that doesn't rhyme, at parts (I generally disagree with the premise that lyrics always must). Hope it makes for a good read and welcoming any feedback of course. Liaison [v1.1] Internet Oh, internet You unreliable bet You sea of secret sex I sook A closer look At what people term love Making [brg1.1] Soon as a ruly eye Scans my peripherary Locks on to attribution As a dilution [v1.2] Of my entire being, it becomes apparent that You know I'm desperate enough That you can organize a meeting Whilst being at ease I'll go along [brg1.2] Got to the railway station Insulted on the train there Dressed up to the high heavens And change To spare [ch1] There you go In the hole Situation Expectation First you want me And then you say I'm disgusting But you're okay [v2] You didn't think I'd buy as coincidence The incidental meeting on the homeward journey You deliberately put me on The wrong one, and took care That your little friend'd take me for a ride From your test drive up to London And made do with my overdraft plunder, when I refused To join his illicit sex work club [brg2] That's how you think of our types Informed by porn denial We cannot be real people On pedestals artificial Victorian suppression Obsessed with loathing your own desires I had no suspicion I sure as hell have it now, we Made for a strange liaison to dare And don't pretend that your own confusions in lust Did not play a part [ch2] There you go In the hole Reposition Kinician Feed off the hatred Face away You think I'm not doing Exactly the same thing 'Cause you're disgusting But I'm okay Chase the demons Away
  7. Curtainjerker


    Thanks for the feedback Donna! I think I may follow your ideas at the end of verse 2. Will see how it flows.
  8. Curtainjerker


    Thankyou Jack and RnR! RnR, I have the music already, I'm just ultra shy about recording it so I never get around to it. But the style is grunge, as usual with my guitar stuff I write these days, with a bit of a ballad leaning as well on this one. It's slow and drudgey, but also very major. It sways around an ascending mini-scale that in the verses serves as variation upon a single chord and in the choruses serves as the roots of different chords, and it kinda works. I've also dropped beats from a lot of the bars, which seems to work well also. I guess I'm a bit socially cut-off these days, don't really get out. So I don't know about searching the clubs, that sounds like an activity for someone with an income lol. I adore being social, I just don't really have the budget for it. Sigh, I guess that's why I get lost in songwriting so much, I mean... it's kinda my option. Although my amp's gone a bit unreliable recently lol, so might have to get that fixed or get a new one. That's not to say that music can't always transcend genre and I do appreciate the comparison and find it interesting. Thanks for that, will think on it. Hey JazzRaptor. Thanks for the review! And welcome to the boards, I've been here a while recently, after a gap of a bunch of years, after being here for a bunch of years before on a now-dead account. I know what you mean about solid choruses, but I like to vary that sometimes when it works and I think it works here so I think I shan't be combining them. The "doldrum" in the title refers to the rut they're stuck in, the rut of going around in circles making excuses about being dangerous and not committing suicide at the same time as wanting to and thinking it more moral. Yeah, it's... not a happy song. Picture a familiarity smile and blazé attitude with a deeply depressed heart behind it. As for the meaning, I approach it the same way I approach my story writing (with very different parameters for a very different genre, obviously). As in, even if something isn't meant to be understood, it still should have a meaning behind it, and shouldn't just be reasonless. That way, subtle subconscious connections make their way through - in other words, people can tend to naturally pick up on when something doesn't make internal sense, even if they can't begin to figure out how. Instinct. Ensuring that internal sense is present ensures that it doesn't fall down in that way. Beyond that, I'm okay with people not being able to completely decypher my songs, although I go back and forth on whether or not I actually want them to be understood at that level regardless. I'm still messing around with this one since I still get the feeling that I want it to be more clearly understood than it stands currently. I'm still not sure that it has to be completely clear, all the same; for instance I don't feel a great need to make overt the reasons behind them considering themselves dangerous (but I do want it to come across that they do). Am working on it. I'm also working on my nerves and habits, the state of my home, all those things. In an effort to get something recorded. Until I can manage that I'll keep posting lyrics though.
  9. Curtainjerker


    Thanks for all the comments u guys, sorry I didn't check the page in a bunch. Malice, my songs are usually more about the feeling than the audience potential it's true. However I don't think of it as a pair of goals that are mutually exclusive, so I would like to aim to resonate with more people even as that's not my priority. I'm thinking of a go-over focusing on being a little bit clearer, whilst not compromising what's behind it. That could end up mostly similar to what's here, or it might not. I'll have to try to see. There's always another attempt behind any lyric, and that's why I enjoy posting them here and receiving feedback such as these. Dan, very cool that you liked it. Would you point to any lines in particular that you found fantastic? I'm glad some of the flavour came through - the subjects in the song indeed are somewhat ashamed of what they are. But the song isn't saying that's right, it's just saying that's a thing that happens when there's something wrong with you, you do feel a pang to be apologetic for it. Especially if it isn't the most socially acceptable thing in the world. I suppose I should stop beating around the bush and just say - this is based off my thoughts about having a condition of cannibalistic impulse. Something I find difficult to say even as I write lyrics about it. That could be behind why they turned out quite obscure, too - a natural disinclination to spell it out. It is something I'm ashamed of, and I imagined an intensified version onto a pair of characters for this song, in order to express that. But if you interpreted something else from it, then I hope it makes a connection regardless - it could work I think for a number of other things, like possibly a murderous inclination or some severe levels of anger issues. It's certainly the case that you don't always need all of the specifics behind an artwork in order for it to chime - indeed, vaguety can even be an advantage in that. I was hoping this might stand by itself without me explaining entirely. I don't think it's quite there yet, given responses. Kuya, I share that love of these forums as well! I was actually a part of them many years before making this account, and my making of this account was due to me missing them. It was one of the first websites I frequented, and I'd often find myself on it in the computer rooms my first time around at university, during spells of work fatigue. That was over a decade ago now, hehe. As to your point on elusiveness, yes I do vary that intent from one song to the next. For instance I have another song that I'm currently mulling over as an ending track to the album this one would be on (that I'm calling "fringe ballads"), that is very deliberately straightforward, almost to the point of humour (what with being quite sexualized) but from a place nevertheless of complete sincerity. It actually directly follows this one in the listing. I'm wondering now whether my tendancy to put my songs into album lists like that (which I do a lot and spend a lot of time on) blinds me a little to their individual strengths and weaknesses when isolated from surrounding pieces that might 'excuse' more of a leaning in one direction (such as obscurity, here); in other words I could've been thinking of this as less obscure than it is simply because I play it before something else that's very blunt. Interesting thinking. I'm glad the vibe came across as serious. I pretty much never intend a song vibe to be comedic, it's simply not my style. Clemo, cheers for the confirmation on the main problem area, understanding-wise. Although the spider/fly thing does sound good, I wonder if I'm minmaxing too much (sacrificing too much clarity in order to fit in an extra metaphor, in this case). This will be the focus of the next rewrite I think. I think I shall end up altering at least this bit somewhat. I'm still fond of keeping the opening line, though. How does that scan to you? The song felt a bit too much "we this, we that" without something to seperate the two characters out. I'm not actually sure why I'm so fixated on it being two characters, though. Aside from maybe I just want to retain a sense of argument throughout, and/or possibly retaining a lack of unintentional suggestion of uniqueness... I am not entirely sure myself of the starting line to the second verse, actually having sung it a few more times. It seems a little expositional, like it wouldn't be a part of the thought process because it's a bit too obvious if that's what you're going through. Thinking of adding an "as" to the beginning of it, to make it less like that. But I might end up altering that whole section anyway, so maybe not. In general I wasn't aware that this lyric was quite as tricky as it seems like it is. So that's very useful information for me to process. Thanks everyone!
  10. Curtainjerker

    Black and white rewrite

    Thankyou Musical Key! Never pictured that as a lyric, will use in something now. Glad I could be of assistance Clemo. Nice to agree on that stuff too.
  11. Curtainjerker


    Thanks for the comments, Patty! I was juggling around words in that bit of the 2nd chorus. Should not live another day / should not last another day / should not have another day... in the end, I settled on a choice I thought carried a degree of bluntness with it. I mean it in the sense of should not exist. "Insisting sums just doesn't work" is referring to the main thing in the first verse, as in, when people imagine that adding a good deed to a bad deed results in the same as a neutral deed - when in actuality the bad deed is no less bad at all. So that's what I mean with all the calculation speak here. Yes, I do use arithmetic as a verb there. As for the spiders / flies thing (something I had someone else on another site point out to me as confusing), that's to do with the hypocrisy of their situation - that they're only choosing to view it in this adding / subtracting good and bad kind of way because they're already covered in the consequences of their deeds - it is a viewpoint bound to an excusing, and without the desire to make that excusing they probably wouldn't even be attempting to see it that way. If that makes sense? It is a very compacted metaphor. Of course, all of that is the bunch of my intentions, I'm not necessarily saying they're the most perfect versions. Part of why I love feedback is that it points out to me which bits of something to focus on and possibly rethink. I'm glad you dug the overall appeal of it, always happy to hear that.
  12. Curtainjerker


    Thanks for the feedback! I don't want to extend it really, as it's fairly neat and tidy structurally as it is. The kind of thing you might select as one of the singles off the album, if that makes sense? Short and sweet kinda going for. I think people who connect with it will connect with it well, though obviously that's just an assumption on my part. I live my life with a condition that has the potential to be dangerous, and I have been a danger to myself from it before (though never to the point of being a danger to others). I wrote this basically imagining being two people sharing a less in-control version of the same condition, and going through life kinda depressively content with carrying on, but still thinking over the dodgy logic behind that. So an exaggeration, in other words. If there are any particular parts you'd like further explanation on, then I'd be happy to provide it. Of course I do recognize that requiring an author explanation in order to understand a work of art is a fault in the first place - art shouldn't need that unless that's included as a part of it - but that doesn't go to say that it wouldn't be potentially interesting or useful nonetheless. If you're curious. I'm not sure what I hope people to feel from this song, exactly. As I say, it's more just reflective. Glad you liked it!
  13. Curtainjerker

    Black and white rewrite

    An interesting exploration. Don't know if I'd agree with it but then that's half of what makes a politically-charged song like this good, is if it makes you think. I do like the switching of expectation, as it begins with a seeming straightforwardly rose-tinted nostalgic view and then immediately reverses the colour scheme on it (if you'll pardon the pun) and paints it negatively. Demonstrates perspective and piques interest to listen further. Lines such as "most poverty was solved" and "life was simple" trip up my alarm bells a bit. They seem to jump to conclusions that surely only some sections of society would agree with; it would heavily depend on your circumstances. I'm sure for the oft-mentioned homeless person, it would probably not seem like "most poverty was solved". But on the other hand, sometimes that kind of bluntness can be good. Like I said, makes you think. I personally fear my own government a lot more than I fear any fanatic and always have, so it kinda deconnects me a bit from the other conclusions being drawn that I already find a bit sweeping, if you get what I mean? I can swallow more easily the parts telling me what an experience I don't have was like (e.g. "in the days of black and white life was tough for working folk") than I can the parts telling me things I don't relate to about experiences I have had (e.g. supposing that the chief worry these days is fanatics). But I suppose the whole comparison might be a bit outside of my timeline in general, what with me being a gen X-and-a-halfer. I probably don't quite fit as an audience to this. Still I did enjoy it. As far as more technically, the loss of the expectant rhyme in the chorus "cope / white" does trip me up a bit. Not sure if it seems better with music or not, but it was a stumble from a reader's viewpoint. I know it's entirely possible that it could work fine regardless, as I've done a lot of sections myself that seem to want for a rhyme on the page but don't to the ear. So only even take this as a criticism if it seems that way to you.
  14. Curtainjerker

    "Watching You Fly"

    In verse 1, you confuse the tense which is consistently present-tense aside from just "expectation filled the air" so I'd replace that perhaps with "expectation fills the air". The tense does fit the in-the-moment-capture type of theme you describe for the song. I love the prechorus line "and then the music starts" - that's exactly the kind of catchy thing that can snag the imagination and help bring the listener along on your journey with you. The chorus flows wonderfully. Have to concur with Anna there on the verse 4 line "ballerina silky moves" feeling grammatically awkward. It's rather fragmentational, unlike the rest of the words. I think something like "silky ballet moves" would suffice here, and feel less clumsy. Another great prechorus line, showing the progress of the thing you're enthralled by. Really like these. Hope those suggestions are helpful.
  15. Curtainjerker


    The music to this feels exhausted and warm, the structure is simplistic and the instrumentation heavy and rhythmically loose. Simple little pop-grunge thing in what is basically standard 4/4 time but with dropped beats everywhere, keeping the listener's expectation slightly uncomfortable as it trundles along. It goes out to everyone who suffers from something which has the potential to cause harm to themselves and others, and is intended to be reflective rather than encouraging. "Doldrum" [v1] I met your moral in a cycle Hypocrisy deprioritized We shall arithmetic our spiders We concluded wrapped in flies [ch1] A good deed don't bring back a lost one The consequence was had We never run out of excuses, though We continue and [v2] Our shameful doubt renders us numb Insisting sums just doesn't work We hold their lives in forfeit, should emergency come Should once more we turn berserk [ch2] We're not the worst of all the monsters But you know we're bad We should not be another day like this But it's the best we have