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Short Order Kook

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Short Order Kook last won the day on June 19

Short Order Kook had the most liked content!

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25 Excellent

About Short Order Kook

  • Rank
    Contributing Muse
  • Birthday

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    New England
  • Interests
    Mandolin, Guitar, Banjo, Traveling, Languages, Reading

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Both
  • Musical Influences?
    Too many to list
  1. rap

    Lyrics are well set up for rap or hip hop. It flows nicely just reading it. The title fits the song well and grabbed my attention. Are there any specific parts of the lyrics that you are not entirely satisfied with and are looking for feedback? There are some lines that don't appear to rhyme with anything else, but I don't necessarily see that as an issue.
  2. @hank I think your song has a great groove and I really like your vocals! I actually wish they were more prominent. The first line of the song is pretty hard to hear. I could barely make it out. Your voice is sweet and your vocal phrasing riffs perfectly over the music. It's a pleasure to listen to! My recommendation is to turn the vocals up. My other general comment is that I think the lyrics are pretty abstract and therefore hard to follow/understand. Below are some examples of questions that went through my head when reading the lyrics. If you answer these questions, the musers here might be able to offer some alternative wording to make it more clear, if that's something you are interested in. On the other hand, I could see this song being very personal and you wanting to keep the meaning between you and the other person in the song private.
  3. Hi @s.l.wolf, I'll try to give you my impressions of your song. Take it with a grain of salt! I like the change in tempos and volume of the song...I think it gives the song good dramatic effect. You effectively show emotion through your singing style. I also like the concept of you dreaming about someone listening to you sing about your pain. Its an interesting narrative that holds a lot of promise. The idea of "just another broken winged bird" is a good metaphor for a person singing their painful song and realizing that the person they are singing for is not paying attention. It's hard to tell if this is a song for a friend, lover or relative. Maybe it doesn't matter. But the ambiguity made it hard to follow. You probably already have someone in mind that inspired you to write this song, but if you want to be true to the "singing bird" metaphor then it would probably work best as a song for a lover, like a bird call. But there are no clues that I could see that made this clear. The melody is ok, but it did not really grab me. I think this is a part of the song that may need some work. I think people are going to want to listen for a pattern in the melody that they can hear and follow. Using your bird metaphor, think of a bird call. Can you make the melody more succinct, familiar and catchy each time you sing another verse? One of the things that made it harder to follow the melody was that the words seem to hover around the melody loosely. Tightening up the meter would improve the listener experience. As a suggestion, you might try to challenge yourself to boil down the melody you have created down to its basic form and hum it over your chord choices for the verses and chorus. Then work on embellishing your melody to make it interesting for the listener (such as creating a change of tempo and volume). Then think about the important phrases or words that you want to have in your song to convey your song's message. I find that humming a melody can help with word choices and developing a consistent, followable meter. Speaking of word choices, I think you have an opportunity to play up on the bird metaphor more...birds sing to get noticed by mates, they also have flashy colors, and sometimes dance. They tend to do this while other birds are competing for mates--sometimes they are singing with their same species...but they're trying to sing above the call of other species as well. When birds break their wing, they tend to be abandoned by other birds. When chicks fall out of nests, their parents tend to abandon them. All of these tidbits of bird biology might be useful in developing the bird metaphor more. I hope these initial impressions are helpful. Thank you for sharing your song!
  4. @kuya, I'm glad that the vibe that I was trying to convey came through and you understood what I was going for. "Hermits" is a good idea for the last verse. @Barneyboy, The song isn't really about winning a lottery, its about the singer getting away with his wife. When I start the verses with "if i won the..." the singer isn't actually winning anything. Starting the sentence with "if" is meant to convey casual conversation with his wife...."Hell, if I won the lotto, I'd take you to..." Its about scraping some money together to give the singer and his wife a change of scenery and get some down time. The wife in this song isn't going to slap around the singer because he can't deliver on an expensive vacation, and I don't want this song to be about a guy looking to hook up with multiple women. @spanishbuddha, I'm not really going for mojo or passion here, its meant to be light with a touch of humor. I had mentioned John Prine in the opening of this song. His song In Spite of Ourselves is probably the closest illustration of what I am going for with this song. The song is somewhat autobiographical so the song isn't about leaving a city (I don't live in one). It's my loss that the last part of the song gave you the picture of a national lampoon's vacation! I definitely wasn't going for that, but it looks like @kuya didn't read it that way? I guess everyone is going to read the song a little differently. I'll fix Pyrenees, thanks for that. "Hit" the pyrenees and "hit" paris are slang for "go to", but I could try to use a different word. I expected "fourteeners" and "Charles de Gaulle" to trip up some, but I like them both too much to get rid of them. They are meant to go with the informal conversational vibe that I'm going for in this song. I also think its ok to have some words that people need to look up now and then. I expect some people will appreciate learning unfamiliar words or phrases. The line that says "where conversation's shorter" is something I would change if most people didn't get it. What I was trying to convey with the foreigner verse is a person that doesn't know the language of the country that they are traveling in...Their conversation is going to be shorter, when they only know how to say things like good morning, yes, and good night. Its something that I've experienced traveling in foreign country's and it has made me feel a little more anonymous.
  5. I've got a few songs I've thrown out to the muse, and expect to take some time to work on those over the next week where I don't think I'll have access to the internet. While I'm working on those, I thought I'd send a song that I just wrote. I already have the chord structure and melody for it. I'm happy with most of the lyrics but some of them sound a little clunky. I'd appreciate any suggestions for improvement. This is meant to be a "light" kind of song. I think I was influenced a little by John Prine or early Bob Dylan the way that I currently sing it. Gotta Get Away, ©2017 J. B. Mack V1 If I won the Tri-state Lotto I’d take you to Colorado For a few days in late June See the mountain flowers bloom V2 Wouldn’t go to climb fourteeners Wouldn’t stay in Denver neither Both them places too congested My aim is to be well rested C1 Gotta get away From the hustle and the bustle Somewhere near won’t do it dear We gotta get away C2 I want to be a stranger Where there ain’t no kind of danger Of running in to friends or kin We gotta get away V3 If I won the Powerball We'd fly off to Charles de Gaulle Hit Paris for just one night Rent a car and then take flight V4 We can hit the Pyranees Hear they've got good wine and cheese There's a place they call Lot Valley Where we can go dilly dally C3 Gotta get away From the hustle and the bustle Somewhere near won't do it dear We gotta get away C4 Want to be a foreigner Where the conversation's shorter Like bonjour, oui and bonne nuit We gotta getta away V5 If I won a small scratch ticket I don't think it would prohibit Us from leavin' just as well We could find a cheap motel V6 Something clean, but not too pricey In a place that's not too dicey Lock the door and close the drapes Drink champagne and eat some grapes C5 Gotta get away From the hustle and the bustle Somewhere near is ok dear We just must get away C6 Want to be a hermit So that we can leave this circus A little while, we need to smile Let's up and get away
  6. Its really interesting that you started writing this song in 1981 given the theme of the lyrics. It must have a lot of personal meaning for you all these years! I enjoyed your song and agree with much of what has been said above. The trumpet is really nice. I'd actually like to hear more of it.
  7. I think this is really good advice as a next step in the development of this song. Adding in more instrumentation and voices would also go well with the "we're in this together" spirit of the song. However, I also think the song is perfectly set up to be sung solo and inspiring enough for people around you to join in whether its an audience, people at a party, or a sit-in. This song has grown on me every time I listen to it. One thing that I noticed is your phrasing is really well developed. I don't think it's rushed. It's a good example of a song that if submitted on the lyrics page, might get criticized for cramming too many words in, but the way you sing it really works.
  8. Or quench my thirst?
  9. @GocartMoz, I can tell you have a lot of talent putting a song together. I thought the mixing, the interplay between versus and prechorus and chorus was well done. I like the changes and effects in the chorus in particular. Your tune was catchy also and your vocal performance was convincingly concerned about the state of the union. Unfortunately, however, the song's hook doesn't have timelessness. 100 days are already in the past, based on a snapshot of an everchanging newscycle that is now way behind us in the rearview mirror--I think even behind us when it was presented to the muse. And maybe this song is meant to just help you get your feelings out. But from the perspective of sharing with an audience, it's almost already irrelevant. You almost need to change the chorus to keep playing the song. Although I sympathize and agree that we live in trying times, I felt that some of the lyrics were a little apocalyptic. To me this song's message seems to be a result of being caught up in today's overly negative news cycle and letting the news suck you in as if they are the authority on reality. Don't let them suck you in! I could be wrong, but that's my opinion!
  10. This song got high marks from me (I think second place?) for the June Song contest. My one critique is that the song felt kind of hectic-jumping from part to part. All the different parts of the song complement each other well, but I felt like I needed to take a breath somewhere along the way. Maybe a guitar solo somewhere in the middle would address this issue? Cool retro sound...makes me think of go go dancers. The backup singers are a great touch.
  11. I couldn't put it better than @fabkebab. I felt the same way. I also thought the stripped down lo fi approach works really well for this song. This is one of my favorites from the June contest. Now that I hear it again, I probably should have given you more (uh, I mean less) points! I like the pauses that you have in the song before verses. The chorus changes it up just enough to keep the song interesting. And the little lick at the end of the chorus is great! I also like how you change the strumming style in the second verse. The "touch of jazz along the way" is mysterious and I'm not sure I understand your meaning, but for me, I have my own interpretation that its a description of your own quirkiness...how you deal with reality. You are impromptu.
  12. I think you succeeded very well in your aim to pay homage to old style rock and roll! I heard some Steve Miller influence in there, maybe a little Rick Ocasik in the vocals? Anyway, that's what I heard. Not a singer songwriter type of song, but that's not what its meant to be. It has a catchy hook that sticks with you. Of all the songs presented in the June contest, I would say that this had the strongest and most memorable melody. Good work!
  13. Hi Eric, The lyrics, mix of the singing and background music is done really well. But I had a hard time as a listener with the general vibe of the song sounding so laid back and casual, and then the hook didn't grab me, "these are interesting times." Its as if you are pointing out all of these issues, throwing your hands up, and saying "ain't nothing we can do about it. I guess we just live in interesting times." I realize that parts of the lyrics talk about taking action, but to me that was quashed by the hook and the gentle, soft tone of the song. I guess I just wanted to hear more hope, or anger or some more raw emotion/passion...
  14. I'm impressed. Its a solid song all around. The fiddle was a nice touch, it fits in with the song well. The backup vocals really complement the lead vocal.
  15. I love Shane McGowan!...at least his stuff with the Pogues. Maybe that's why I liked this song so much. Your voice and singing style sounds a bit like him. Your song was my top pick mainly because it was catchy, fun to listen to, and I would listen to it again gladly. Good work!