Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 

 

This message will be removed once you have signed in.

Peko

Members
  • Content count

    16
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

7 Neutral

About Peko

  • Rank
    Muse In Training
  • Birthday

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyricist
  • Musical Influences?
    Carly Simon, Gordon Lightfoot, Dan Fogelberg, John Denver, Beatles
  1. Melahide, Lots of nice things happening in this song. I think many people can relate to the message of changes in the old neighborhood. I have a few suggestions for some lyric tweaks. First, some of your phrases don’t sound quite right. For example, your title: “Every time when I travel home again.” I would delete the word "when" and just say, "Every time I travel home again I’d also suggest you take a look at your verb tenses to make sure they’re what you intend. For example in V2: It was a time when we SAID WE’LL never change But somehow it all COMES to an end. You’ve got past, future and present tense all in the same phrase. There’s a similar dissonance in A young girl LIVED further down the street With long brown hair and WEARING a smile Past tense and present tense together. “We were about the same age but never talked too much.” I think you mean “never talked very much.” I agree with the suggestions of spanishbuddha. You have a good idea, but need to focus on the message and make each word count.
  2. Heavens, I'm not upset at all! We're here to get critiques, and I appreciate honesty. So, thank you, Emily! Thing is, this singer is not angry, she's sad. Sad that her friends' good fortunes are making her feel diminished. Sad that she can't be glad for them, and wondering why she always seems to be comparing herself to others. I can see why different people might react differently to jealous situations, but in this case, you're correct: it is a plea. (Last line: "Don't let me lose you.") She's got an internal conflict that "colors" how she sees things and it's troubling her. So she is blue, not blue in the face.
  3. This is really a fun one. These lines occurred to me when I was reading it: I want to ask you out I’m on a sugar high But after 3 quarts of soda My throat is still dry
  4. I would really love to hear this put to music. You've got a good, rolling mood going here.
  5. I REALLY like this. I think you've done a good job of capturing the downward spiral and the futile attempts to get out, once & for all. I like desperate, frenzied feeling of "laugh too loud, smile too much" Oh--and the identical first two lines? Brilliant!
  6. I like this. "insecure start" is perfect for describing first love experiences. This resonated with me. You've captured a very human reaction to the memory of a past love. I think you can do much better here. Seems bland. Love it! That's what young dreamers do. Yep! Especially Lines 3 & 4 together. I think we've all been there. Line 2 is good. The rest doesn't grab me. "We noticed the world was unconquered"? What does that mean? OK. But a rather weak ending to an intriguing lyric. All in all, I think you've got something here, and a real way with words.
  7. You're very nice---and funny--and modest, too---my kind of guy! Thanks for the re-think.
  8. Lots of great comments/critiques here! Thanks, all! John Voorpostel: Yes, I agree the verses are similar in that they're all about being jealous, but I don't think they're the same. V1--I'm jealous of you. V2--But not jealous of what you can do, as much as jealous that you CAN do all those things and I can't (even though I don't even want to.) (It's a subtle difference, I know!) V3--It's not YOU, I'm making MYSELF crazy more than you're making me crazy. I thought these subtleties were different enough, but maybe not. I'll take another look. P.S. I wrote out this comment to you yesterday, but forgot to hit Submit Reply, so it's just been sitting here! Ron99: Thanks for the A+ on the first verse! Yippee! "When green eyes look through the lens" v "When I look through the lens." I see what you're saying, but up until this line, there has been no mention of Green Eyes, so I wanted to make sure the listener got the connection. But since the very next line (chorus) says "Green Eyes are making me blue"; maybe that's enough. I'll have to think about this some more. I agree...depends on the melody. "always" can stay or go. Thank you. I like your line better. I'll change it. I can see the appeal of putting this line in here instead of "Why do I always compare myself to you?" I don't yet know when it's good to stick word-by-word to the chorus, and when it's better to mix it up. I've already changed the last line in the last chorus so I'm just not sure about changing another one, too. Listeners are supposed to be able to sing along with the Chorus, so I was reluctant to make too many changes. PaulCanuck: Ah! "Ungracious/Ingracious" You made me run to the dictionary! Whew! We're both right. Either one is correct. Thank you! I know what you mean about working too hard to avoid some things can sometimes work against the song. Sounds like you've been doing this awhile! "Embittered"--I think people who are jealous DO get embittered if they feel like the actions that cause the jealousy are "in their face" constantly. But maybe there's a better way to say it. It seemed right to me. Thanks, all, for your critiques!
  9. Green Eyes You say you flew to Paris When St. Thomas got too hot I’d like to say I’m glad for you But honestly I’m not I know I sound embittered And ungracious to my friends But the picture gets distorted When green eyes look through the lens (Chorus) Green eyes are making me blue Why do I always compare myself to you? Green eyes are making me blue They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you You never check a price tag And you always have a tan I don’t want to live like you do But I’m jealous that you can Envy is a traitor Who puts poison in the stew I make myself feel Less Than More than anything you do (Chorus) Green eyes are making me blue Why do I always compare myself to you? Green eyes are making me blue They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you Green eyes are making me blue If I don’t get this figured out I’m going to lose you Don’t let me lose you
  10. Love your sense of humor!
  11. Nice image. I can certainly relate to this. Yes, it's simplistic, but that's OK. It takes me back to being a child with a balloon, and that's what I think the song is celebrating. That feeling of simple joy.
  12. EmilyEmily, I like this a lot! You write really well. I particularly like Well done!
  13. Hi, John, Some nice lyrics here, but--sorry to say this--I don't know what you mean by borderline. I'm not sure what's happening in this lyric. Peko
  14. folk song

    John, The title intrigued me and made me want to read the lyrics. There are many things to like about this lyric, particularly the last two lines of your Chorus: Yeah I was born to chase the wind And I see that it’s blowing again This has just the right emotion. If you don't mind, I will comment on some specific things I think would make the lyric better. When I write lyrics, it helps me to receive critiques that are detailed, so I can better understand what the person is saying. I hope you will take these comments in that spirit. It's a song with real potential, so I hope this helps. Your second line would be stronger without the "and": The dusty old trail is calling me on Come the morning and I will be gone I agree with the others about "It's a sad life..." That doesn't seem to fit with the feel of the rest of the song. You could substitute: Well I was born to chase the wind It's a wandering life, my friend These lines need refining, I think, to match the quality and mood of the others: I’ll remember you I tell you no lie---Sounds forced At least until the next gal comes by--Sounds flippant, rather than in keeping with the commitment to wandering. Instead, how about: I knew from the start that we would end I’d be off to another girl around the bend or There'll be another girl around the bend No I ain’t a bum don’t you say so I’m a wandering worker a regular hobo I’ll clean your house or wash your car Then I’ll relax and play my guitar I don't think this whole verse adds anything. It suggests the woman he's leaving is calling him a bum, which introduces a conflict that isn't necessary to the story. And there's a difference between a wandering worker and a regular hobo. This guy seems more of the former, but you'd said it so much better elsewhere. My roof is the sky--good line On green grass I lie--forced rhyme and backwards construction. Too tired to weep--Again, if this guy is happy with his life, why is he even thinking about weeping? Gently I sleep--Gently doesn't seem like the right word if he's so exhausted. What if you said something like: My roof is the sky I'm just a passerby "Dreams inside my mind Of some better time---This introduces a backstory that may not be necessary or even accurate (if he was truly "born to chase the wind.) Perhaps you can re-think what you really want to say here. Then comes the morn And I’m back on my journ Morn and journ are too forced. Even if you decided to complete each word with morning and journey, that would sound better. Ever since Adam when he ate from the tree All that man knew was misery Talk about woman I think about Eve If it weren’t for her we’d never grieve—again, doesn’t fit. From what he's told us, he's not a griever, he's a leaver. You may not need the verse starting with: With you, good sir Yes I’ll have just one request in the end O God Allmighty let me catch the wind--What a great couple of lines!
  15. Paul, Really liked it. You captured that small-town mindset perfectly! You've made it hard to find anything to improve. But when I heard "This town don't need no city bling," I really wanted to hear "This town don't need that sort of thing" just to hammer the title home again. This would be GREAT in a live venue.