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Aneanani

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Aneanani last won the day on May 22

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About Aneanani

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  1. Sounds good! I get a an old school Orbital vibe out of this. I would've liked to hear the piece evolve a bit more, rather than cut off after 3 min. Cheers!
  2. I will Not Submit

    Hey Kuya! A few comments. Also, did some of the replies vanish on this thread? I feel the chorus is a bit long, but that's all in the delivery of course. res of the feedback below
  3. SKIN DEEP

    Hey Emily! Some quick feedback. Having read through it a few times, I'm still not sure what emotion you're going for. Are we supposed to think Cheri is an annoying tramp, or are we supposed to feel sorry for her?
  4. The sorrow echo / I wish it was not so

    First off, "I wish it was not so" is maybe more pertinent as a title, but I prefer more mysterious titles so I'd vote for 'The sorrow echo' or Paul's suggestion with 'Sorrow's flow'. As for the lyric, I found it poetic and well-written though the 3 verses in a row were a little tiring and repetitive, so I'd consider putting the bridge in between verse 2 and 3. I also agree with Ron Paul, sorry Ron AND Paul on the last line of the bridge. I put a few additional comments on the quote below. I hope that helps! @BigHappyJack I'm very curious as to why you think this is a bit preachy? Could you elaborate on that?
  5. Eye of my hurricane

    Just posted a new version of the lyric, so everything above this post has to do with the old version. @SnarkyAnarkyThanks for stopping by! Now's your chance to comment on the rewrite.
  6. Waiting

    The link doesn't seem to work.
  7. The Devil Lady

    Fair enough, but then she doesn't ask him over until after she's already saved him, and she couldn't know that he would say yes.
  8. It's Always the Same

    Maybe my point was poorly made. What I meant was that the story may have a greater impact if you don't make it too obvious what it's about from the get-go. In other words, keep people guessing until at least the first chorus.
  9. Aspire

    @EmilyEmily Hi Emily! Insightful as always, and I appreciate you taking the time to read and commenting despite the disturbing content. Both "Their" in the chorus and "They" in the bridge is referencing society, and I can see how it may be a little confusing or unclear. The first verse being a way to introduce the character and his actions, both the bridge and second verse are attempts to understand it. The bridge being society trying to understand why someone would do this (and basically coming to the conclusion that this person is actually not insane) , while the second verse is the character reflecting on their actions. I understand what your saying with the second verse and I did have problems with it, as I didn't want the lyric to in anyway imply some kind of salvation for the character. It was originally written together with the first verse before I had a chorus or bridge, and I can see now that it might not work that well when separated from verse 1. I'll have to think about that verse more. My biggest issue with this is the need (in my head) for telling the story in first person, as trying to do it in third person becomes complicated. As Paul mentioned also, this may have a POV problem, and I'll have to look into how I can solve this, and also make the second verse more clear. Thanks for reading and commenting! @PaulCanuck To be fair I'm not a fan of it either, with it being the POV of a madman/psychopath and that is my biggest struggle with this lyric. I am torn between telling this in a first person versus a second or third person perspective. Personally I think it's has a slight edge being told in first person, but it is of course easier to separate yourself from it, if sung in second or third person. The POV issue you mentioned may be a result of that, and it's something I need to consider more carefully. Thanks for reading and commenting, always appreciated!
  10. Aspire

    @BarneyboyThanks for stopping by and commenting. It says a lot about me that I write a lyric commenting on a problem present in today's society? In that case, great I hope it says good things about me, that I'm willing to try and tackle a subject most people would rather run and hide from than confront.
  11. Aspire

    Here's a lyric I've been struggling with. More specifically I've been struggling with telling this story in first person even though it is not, I assure you, about me. Normally that might not be much of problem but have read through and let me know what you think. ASPIRE V1 I am the reason why you’re never going to breathe again All of me, a force, an energy I can’t contain my endless rage, I feel it gnawing See the light fading from your opaque eyes See the light fading as you leave this life CH Their… Lights bathing me Fame and celebrity Bringing me home Their… Eyes upon me Feeding their revelry Bringing me to sleep BRIDGE They assay every word that I speak A mind so fucked up and so cowardly weak My affirmations fall on deaf ears As I bring to life with me all of our fears V2 Confession buried deep in thoughts of my consequence Taking shelter in forgetting this abject silence poised to leave my soul forsaken When I am lost in delusions of self Coveting sins on my passage to hell CH Their… Lights bathing me Fame and celebrity Bringing me home Their… Eyes upon me Feeding their revelry Bringing me to sleep
  12. It's Always the Same

    Hey Emily. A few thoughts: I watched Bo Burnham's Make Happy special today (I've seen parts of it but not the whole thing), and one thing that struck me was his ability to switch between funny and serious in his songs. I feel like he tends to start out fairly innocently to get people on board and laughing and then, BAM! something very personal or serious pops up when you least expect it (the finale "Can't Handle This" is a prime example). The reason I mention it as that I feel this has the potential to do something similar, in that the first verse starts out happy and paints a picture of a fun night out but then BAM! you hit them with the whoring. Not the actual whoring mind you, but the idea that the girl in the song feels like one. I hope that helps!
  13. Kiss Beneath the Monkey Bars

    Well constructed, and my only nitpicks have already been mentioned by others. I'm not sure what Mike is on about as I have no problem hearing this as a song; way too cutesy for my taste but song nonetheless.
  14. Under the Bus

    I have nothing to comment on, though I'd say keep thrown in there, as it sets up the idea for the coming line (under the bus) but mainly because it's a lot stronger than end up which kind of makes it sound almost random or by accident. I hope that helps!
  15. The Devil Lady

    As always Paul a well constructed lyric. To me, the repetitiveness actually helps me, in way, to hear it in my head. The only thing I'd comment on is the story itself, where the devil woman saves a man (who could testify against her) from death and then locks him up in a basement to die...soooo, why did she save him?
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