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Vara La Fey

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Vara La Fey last won the day on June 13

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About Vara La Fey

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  1. Writers are always welcome to use my suggestions if they want to. :-) So the Br is sung to your fellow citizens (and/or your Yankee friends) about the leakers? That wasn't clear, cause the "Leakers!" bit suggests you are addressing them, rather than referring someone else to them. This might clear it up, and should work into the melodies I'm sure you already have.... People! Where's the loyalty you've demanded? That you're due? People! Leakers are coming To blow the whistle On you On YOU! I bet you can handle metal. :-)
  2. OMG, you're speaking my language here!! (Still in my Parts folder is a draft-snippet called "Crusader", a term the islamists find especially offensive. "Crusader / Let history say what it will / Crusader / No more shall thy tongue be held still / Tis more noble to kill". My own approach isn't "I will not submit", it's Allah will submit to human rights.) Your V1 L1-L2 is a very strong opener. But personally, I think this needs a brief powerful chorus, a real fist-pumper. One idea is to focus the chorus on some variation of the "I will not submit to the cult of peace" angle, and put the defending soldiers in a bridge. Another idea is to focus on the soldiers in the chorus, and make a repetitious "I will not submit" bridge. I'm glad you posted that. The world needs more like it.
  3. Tee hee. Yeah, I even slipped that one past a lady I've been coaching for maybe a couple months now. I figured she'd know my rhythm, rhyme and general thought processes. She rated the entries and then gave 6 guesses as to which was mine. All guesses were wrong. (Well, I know I got an honest rating from her.) I didn't know I could be that different, and I wasn't trying all that hard. So apparently I'm more versatile than I would have thought. This weekend I worked on 2 collabs: a naughty EDM pounder that's mostly mine, and a very pretty mid-60s style radio-friendly for which I'm giving the writers a new music and lyric arrangement. Having huge fun with both. I also have a punk-metal thing I'm hoping to track and post soon. Metal is my main love, but apparently not my only love. I'm kind of a slut that way. LOL. I also didn't know that I tend to open with cliches first, as a setup of some kind. That has to stop. Opening lines are not my strong suit, and I never think I really hit my stride until after the 1st chorus. Gotta fix that. There will be a new Beaute when I get time. I've already tracked scratch bass and vocal. I guess the point is that I really didn't know all this until I started using these sites. So thanks, all of you, for the education. Seems y'all know me better than I do. :-0 I will prolly keep the title out of the lyric unless I find the right way to work it in. Not every song should be a perfectly formulaic radio-friendly, just like not every Vara song should be pounding metal. Beaute is meant as a fun image-heavy mini-epic. A fan favorite - so I dream, anyway. Ya gotta have those too. EX-wife? And the venus/mars angle? As in DNA? Then to me, that suggests "The Spiral of X and Y". Hey, that's what you get for hanging with nerds. :-)
  4. Oh I forgot (yep - blonde moment). Your first half of V3 was so good it blotted out the 2nd half, where the lack of rhyme is really jarring. I suggest something like: Watch your back Live in doubt Deep state will root you out
  5. Another well-crafted Canuck lyric. And I especially like the rhythm of this one, cause it has a pounding metal feel like something I would write. For whatever that's worth. :-/ (Of course as an American libertarian constitutionalist, I can't personally go for "kill them off" without qualifiers. Ex: ithe BATFE and other sub-congressional mandate-makers are far more of a competing roach-state than the leakers I've been hearing about. You prolly have similar goon squad agencies up there. So if you wanted to kill them off, I'm on board.) V1L4 established "Can't get them all" as the V4 rhythm, but the other L4s have a very nice 3-beat. So for V1L4 I suggest "Find them all". Also "Dirty secrets" and "turn to shouts". BR is a bit confusing. I get the point - well, I get a point - that the deep-staters are hypocritical about loyalty. But why do you proceed to ask where the loyalty is that's owed to them? Or am I just in the middle of a blonde moment? And should we take it as, "Leakers are getting ready to blow the whistle on you", or as "Leakers, WE THE PEOPLE are getting ready to blow the whistle on YOU"? I suspect the latter, so I suggest "Leakers! We rise up to blow the whistle on you". That's my nits. You never leave us a lot of them. And I gotta say that "House of traitors / Feel them crawl / Catch them! Kill them! / Damn them all!" is outstandingly good rhythm. That's some righteous metal there. \m/ Oh yes it is. You wrote metal. Yes you did. :-)
  6. True. And those are groups where everyone gets a turn so that no one feels left out. The Dio/Bain/Campbell "Hear-n-Aid" project was the same way. I rough-guess the max characters in a standard-length song would be 3. A bride, a groom, a minister. Or a bitch, a bastard and a counselor. That kinda thingy.
  7. Beaute would need 6 different voices. I suspect that more than 3 in any song would introduce confusion. It prolly wouldn't sound like perspective changes, but rather like there's a whole group and everyone gets a turn just so nobody feels left out. My lyric just needs to be cleared up. I won't have time to do it in the next couple days, tho.
  8. Hi Paul, and thx for taking time to review. The title prolly won't appear in the lyric unless I can find a classy and non-gratuitous way to add it in. Thought about it a few times, but never found that way. And even if I find it, it'll be just one more confusing thing in the lyric, and my task is to tweak the confusion out of it. I can live with a non-appearing Zeppelin-esque song title, and it's certainly a unique one among English speakers. True about above/love. I never thought it was a great opening line anyway. All it did was set the scene. I can do better than that. Prolly the most confusing mistake I made was the perspective shifts. V1 is the couple's perspective. Pre1 is the narrator watching the meteor after the couple has lost sight of it. The chorus is yet another perspective. Well, perspective changes are nearly always a bad idea in a lyric. Beaute has 2 MORE perspectives after those 3. I think the formal term for this technique is "oops". The CH and its tag-on line are: Feel the room shake Hear the windows break Did it flash before the blink of an eye? Signs never read Exploding overhead Is that how close we came to die? That pretty pretty smoke trail hanging in the sky? This describes a real-life event (not my own), and it's meant to convey it in the order in which we process that stuff. Except for "signs never read", which is out of order. So I will fix that too. The last bits are an extended bridge, and then the primary musical passage returns with "Am I beauty..." It's all very connected with an underlying theme common to all scenes and most allusions in it, but I wrote it too subjectively. And I hate lyrics like that. "Offends"?? Not likely!! Matter of fact, I'm happy that you reviewed it, as I've seen and heard a few of your things, and I think you're a pretty good writer with an admirable set of skills. I prefer hearing from people who've shown that they themselves can walk the walk. You are welcome to review my stuff anytime. :-)
  9. Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys. I was afraid that this one would be confusing, and it's worse than I thought. All the parts are very connected, from the falling star through the "come hither" to "am I beauty?". Problem is, I wrote it too much in my head, and not enough in print. So while it describes itself perfectly, it barely explains itself at all. Thus it might as well be a Dio lyric. Bank on me rewriting it to fix that. John, thanks. :-) "Shout" wasn't in your post, it was only "out", so I couldn't be entirely sure what you meant. fabkebab, the music is supposed to range from beautiful semi-mellow to drop-tuned metal brutality. Prolly no shock there. It's meant to be a mini-epic. (Full disclosure: it's meant to be a "fan favorite", if I ever have fans.) It uses 3 tempos, of which about 120 is the fastest. There's a slow dust-settling part. SongWolfe, yep, "come hither" is archaic. That's exactly why I put it in there, in place of what was there before. It'll make sense when I rewrite the lyric to make sense. Not a single person yet has really understood it, and that is completely my fault. SnarkyAnarky, nice handle!! You might like "Problem With Authority" if I ever get around to tracking and posting it. Medium to slow tempo. The shorter lines are an extended bridge at the fastest of the 3 tempos it uses. Ron99, thx!! Not necessarily a "beautiful" ending, tho. Just a "brilliant" one. A flourish. My extended bridge keeps the theme, but I wrote it all so confusingly that no one has any way of catching that. Have problem - will fix. LyriCAL, not the end of the world, just.... Guys, I promise I will fix this so it makes sense. That's why I'm not explaining it now. It needs to explain itself. I will post the new version soon as it exists. Thanks, all of you!! :-)
  10. Both are pastoral childhood surroundings. It'd be no wonder.
  11. The contest was kinda fun, but you don't get a lot of critique. Sooooo.... this was my entry for May. Sharpen your knives and have at it!! Copyright 2017 Vara La Fey.... FINIR EN BEAUTÉ What a night to be in love and a falling star above streaks quickly out of view Oh make a wish, make a wish but don't tell me what it is or it will never never come true Streaks to the sunrise to greet the dawn Lights up the world as it speeds along Feel the room shake Hear the windows break Did it flash before the blink of an eye? Signs never read exploding overhead Is that how close we came to die? That pretty pretty smoke trail hanging in the sky? All the colors of the storm and the veil of rain is warm The world has gone worlds away Dance with me, dance with me just like children running free We can care another day Come hither now and join me out there Isn't it just electric like a taste in the air? Feel the room shake Hear the windows break Did it flash before the blink of an eye? Signs never read exploding overhead Is that how close we came to die? That gentle roll of thunder in someone's distant sky? Siren to sailor Apple to sin Thrill to chaser Caution to wind Beauty plays tame Sober plays rash Fools to flame Fools to ash Am I beauty? Am I tame? Am I beauty? Am I tame? Feel the room shake
  12. The vibe reminded me of an ancient Rush tune, "Lakeside Park". (Which I've been to, actually.)
  13. I did too. I didn't know Kuya, so I thought you'd written that. It had a bit of the "We Frown On" vibe.
  14. I guess that's a shout-out, and not a time-out?? :-) Thx. And def props to Iggy!! Are we allowed to submit these for detailed critiques now, or is that a bit much?
  15. The Burke quote is a cliche in a lot of circumstances, but I've never heard it in a lyric. That's the only original thing about using it. I could find other ways to say it, but then I'd have to abandon or rewrite my little "....do nothing" bit that's all by itself after the "evil" repetitions. I've always imagined that bit being a quick little acapella break, whispered, exemplifying the idea of "nothing", and thus standing out in the middle of all the chaos before and after it. <METAL!! METAL!! METAL!!> do nothing <METAL!! METAL!! METAL!!>. I'll try to play with it on Rewrite Day, but it's one of my favorite things in the lyric. I assume you agree that "rats" is better than "roaches". I really don't know why I reverted it to "roaches" anyway. Momentary dingbattiness, I guess. And yes, you're completely right about the vocal mix. You and everyone else. LOL. I just have no confidence in my voice, and I have horrible volume control. So I figured I'd just hide it, basically. Well, bad move. Worse than the disease. I won't do that again!! Thanks. :-)