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Arius

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Arius last won the day on December 26 2017

Arius had the most liked content!

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About Arius

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    both
  • Musical Influences?
    A perfect circle, radiohead, queen, boston, nirvana, smashing pumpkins

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  1. Arius

    A Leaf in the Wind

    Hello Buddah. Some of the confusion could indeed be regional. Some of it could be climate change. The Cicadas were singing here almost into October this year, which 20 years ago would have been unheard of. We also had a heatwave just last week. It was maybe October 13th and I was outside in a T-shirt and shorts. Pretty messed up for a Northern climate, but messed up is the new normal around here. The song is meant to take place late summer / early autumn. The leaf is still basically green, but has started to change colour. It's really a song about change, about transitioning from summer to fall, both literally and as a metaphor for life as an aging 30-something. I suppose you are technically correct about the tree, though i think deciduous trees LOOK dead in the colder months, which was the image i was trying to evoke. I have thought about changing that verse any way and making it more about the damage to the leaf and the changes happening to it.
  2. Arius

    Broken Things

    This lyric is at its best when you're using words like "glu" "hammer" "screwdriver" etc. It's pretty vague otherwise. Not much imagery. Like, there's cracks... but WHAT is cracked? WHAT is broken? And please don't say "things." Give me an image of a broken pot or an old mug with a glued-on handle or something please.
  3. Arius

    Olives and Clementines

    SongWolfe, your lyric is brilliant. The imagery is so strong. My only concern is that it feels a bit dated. Like it's about an old war that's over. Plus it's hard to relate to - I live in Canada, and I've only ever seen war on TV. I mean, it's good to remind people that wars are happening, but this just doesn't really resonate with my experience.
  4. Arius

    #MeToo version 3

    Great lyric, Mike. Bold and topical, and bang on. I found the last stanza a bit confusing, especially the last two lines. What exactly are you trying to say here?: Why’s it easier to hide her past Then to tell the whole world Avoid all the Insults and attacks And inside still be that scarred girl Also, pretty sure it's supposed to be "Than to tell the whole world." :) And it's a testament to your writing that I'm being that picky. -A
  5. Arius

    Symmetry

    No crits. This is super solid writing.
  6. Arius

    Mr. Skeleton's Spooky Tooth Show

    I love this. Think it could use a bunch of work to really make it consistently outstanding though. Aside from one word ("creepy"), which you used in the chorus already, these three stanzas are devoid of any reference to Hallowe'en: But he braved it out It was tough no doubt When he found his sound Oh he went to town There's a round of applause For our maestro and his band It's scary how good it went For a puppet and his friends I'm not much a ventriloquist Hope we're doing Vegas No accapella show tunes We're gonna need the whole creepy crew That first stanza about braving it out in particular seems weak. In the chorus, this line: But he's singing 'em notes baritone Doesn't make any sense to me. I like the WORD baritone, but what does it have to do with Hallowe'en or anything creepy? And why did you start that line with the word "but"? Other than that the lyric really pops and there are some absolutely stellar lines. The titular line is my favourite. Great image.
  7. Arius

    What if When We Die, We Scatter?

    Hey StarCecil. This is beautiful. So many strong lines. It reads like poetry. I did have an impossible time discerning any structure; which actually makes the lyric a bit tiresome to get through. It's kind of like "and now this! and now THIS! and that! and oh yeah this other thing!" and I just want a nice chorus or refrain to rest into for a moment and let my brain relax. Two other little nits: 1. I didn't like the numb/dumb rhyme. It felt a bit forced and less poetic relative to the rest of the lyric. 2. I didn't like the use of the word "God" towards the end. You've created a really cosmic, basically New Age / Eastern spiritual vibe, and then the Western Christian image evoked by the word "God" just kind of wrecks it a little. At least for me. Goddess would have been more appropriate. Or just no reference to a creator at all. Just my two cents. You're a fantastic writer.
  8. Arius

    The world will never hear this song

    Don't have time or energy to read all the comments today, so I apologize if any of this is redundant. You've got a REALLY bland character here. His name is "The Writer" and he's kind of naive / vain - and that is literally all we know about him. He's not wearing red pants, he doesn't drink too much or have a broken heart, nothing - he's just a chalk outline of a person, I'm having a lot of trouble singing along to what seems to be a 5 line chorus with a sort of ABBA pattern to it. Choruses are supposed to be stable and strong (4 lines and an ABAB rhyme pattern would be highly stable ie), but this feels highly unstable. Verses and bridges can and generally should be unstable. Choruses is where you drive everybody home; it's the sing-along part that's meant to relax people and make them feel good. The chorus you've written will make people nervous. Aside from your new bridge, there's no real imagery. The song is about an idea. It's not an uninteresting idea, but ideas generally make bad songs unless they are dolled up in lots of images and sensory words to pull the listener in and give them a visceral experience. The bridge is actually, in my opinion, the strongest part of the song now. You've got two images - DJs spinning discs, and a person singing in the shower - plus the lines zip along nicely and actually create a sense that things are really moving for a moment. What if that bridge was the first half of a chorus in which The Writer (who IMO should have a name and at least some interesting characteristics) is engaged in a fantasy that sort of pops in the second half of the chorus. Like, that's his dream - DJs spinning the track worldwide, people singing along to it in their showers or while they're out jogging etc - and then he comes back and realizes he's in his parents basement playing to a bunch of ratty stuffed animals and maybe his mom tells him to turn it down or not sing so loud or something. Just a thought. I hope you don't take it personally. I spend 90% of my time on this message board telling people to use more sensory language / imagery and I could probably stand to take my own advice on that more often too. You've got some good concepts and lines in there. Keep writing.
  9. Arius

    A Leaf in the Wind

    A Leaf in the Wind Up in this tree, I’m just a leaf in the wind My veins are visible through paper-thin skin I’m drying out and growing brittle with age My stem snaps free and now I’m blowing away Ooh ooh ooh... (x2) This dying leaf’s no longer green The cicadas sing their final song Blush as the wind kisses your cheeks Laughing, as it carries you away... Kicked down the sidewalk by a cruel autumn breeze I think with longing of my mother, the tree Her bare limbs trembling, her fingers outstretched Her sap has thickened and she’s stiffened and dead (solo) This dying leaf's no longer green The cicadas sing their final song Blush as the wind kisses your cheeks Laughing, as it carries you away... Ooh ooh ooh... (x4)
  10. Arius

    Cloud gazing

    Yes, my similar idea that fits in well was "neglect to" (as I mentioned previously).
  11. Arius

    Stop Cussing me out

    Seconded. As a person with a disability that includes severe brain fog, I cannot critique this lyric until it's in an easier-to-read format.
  12. Arius

    A Memory

    Strange how a song sounds like a memory -> this was my favourite line. I knew I’d met the girl I thought I’d never find -> this line feels convoluted to me. It makes my brain scramble a bit and opens up a lot of questions. We're at the end of the verse here, and instead of resolving things, a whole bunch of questions just popped up that never get resolved. Why didn't you think you'd find her? What is it about her that is so rare it seemed impossible to find? Also, there's no indication that you were searching for a girl like this earlier in the song. I just don't think it fits. Hand in hand -> felt cliched. Is this part of a concept album or something? I seem to recall another song about walking on a beach on here recently, possibly called A Summer Place. If so, that's really neat. If not, you ripped somebody off.
  13. Arius

    Lyrics Ejaculation

    The "fuck your psychology" stanza struck me as a potential chorus. It just needs a hook and some reworking. The rest feels like good verse fodder to me. I don't know what kind of style you write in, but the grandiose bragging combined with aggressively dissing your foes feels like rap or hip-hop to me. It could maybe work as some sort of metal or hardcore punk song. I can't see it working in too many other formats.
  14. Arius

    Cloud gazing

    Overlook may be a clever word choice, but it seriously detracts from the cleverness when you have to construct a sentence that doesn't flow properly or even make sense in order to fit it in there. I don't think "We overlook to ____" is something anybody has ever said in English ever. You can overlook something. You can't overlook TO do something. Unless maybe it's a British thing?
  15. Arius

    Blanket Fort

    Thanks for your input, Jack. We actually do start the song off with an instrumental version of the chorus. I liked your idea about changing tea to something more juvenile. I will play around with that.
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