Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 

 

This message will be removed once you have signed in.

EmilyEmily

Members
  • Content count

    155
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    3

EmilyEmily last won the day on March 15

EmilyEmily had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

18 Good

1 Follower

About EmilyEmily

  • Rank
    Active Muse
  • Birthday

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    Learning to accept compliments.

Previous Fields

  • Musical Influences?
    Angel Olsen, Bad Bad Hats, Emma Ruth Rundle
  1. Hi Bob, So, um, you’ve written a song about a girl as predator who is only focused on “hittin’” on other girls men... interesting. (Who is this girl and how come she has so much time on her hands?) Where to begin? I have a hard time understanding the first verse. How would she make him sad if he doesn’t want anything to do with her? Is she sad-sad or pouty sad? And the second verse - I’m assuming it’s a very small town if she thinks she owns every guy, yes? Or maybe it’s just the guys at a particular club, or scene? (If I were her, I’d get the message after the first verse, “uh, okay, this guy ain’t worth wasting time on). I mean girls are pretty smart, unlike most men, when it comes to taking hints we’re not wanted. The first bridge seems like your thoughts weren’t fully formed. He’s telling her that she’s playing a dangerous game and that she’s breaking the rules (what rules would those be - flirting?) I guess because she’s a tease (that’s what this song seems to be about) she’s going “down.” I’m not sure how to interpret this. Does this mean she’ll pay some kind of price for her behavior? If so, like what? A scarlet letter? Or does it mean that she’ll wind up in a ditch off the interstate? And I am at a total loss as how to interpret “don’t lose your ground” within the context of the bridge. Verse three - okay, I get it, she has guys eating out of her hand, right? (Just curious, what kind of shoes? Shoes are really important to girls. Are they Manolo’s or Jimmy Choo’s? I have a girlfriend who probably has like twelve thousand dollars worth of Manolo’s... shoes are really, really important.) Okay, sorry for getting sidetracked. Now, the other guys are going to find out that you’re not interested in her, correct? Why would they care? And who will tell them? And why would this person bother to tell a bunch of other guys who are drooling for her that he’s not interested in her? I don’t get it. What am I missing? Verse four - All of the other girls are “cuttin’” through her lies... what lies? She doesn’t come across as a liar. It just seems to me that she has over-active hormones. If everyone knows she’s a tease - spelled SLUT - where’s the lying? The second bridge would make a lot of sense if it weren’t for the fact that all of the above verses seem to hint at that everyone in town, and probably even two, three, or four towns away, know she’s a flirt. Again, I have to ask, what does going down mean? At least, and at last, you let us know that you’re in a relationship with someone, which is great. But if it is a meaningful relationship wouldn’t you tell your sweetie that some other girl is chasing you, just to reassure her. And the truth is, we know what’s going on whether our boyfriends or husbands tell us or not. And if your girlfriend is like most girls, she’s probably way ahead of you on this. Having said all of that, this actually sounds like it would make a fun punk song played really fast and hard, with vocals being screamed more than sung. I think it would work well... bet that’s a surprise, huh?
  2. I didn't want to fall in love either... but I did - with this song! Sometimes it just happens like that.
  3. I think you missed an opportunity to really delve deep into the theme of this lyric - FEAR - and opted instead to approach it simplistically by listing the various “stages” or challenges in your life without truly delivering the personal and crippling anguish in a greater and more dramatic way. Although you present this in an autobiographical manner, it didn’t evoke in me a resonance with which I could identify... it seemed cursory and abrupt and the shame is that it’s such a great topic and one that we can all easily identify with, when presented in a compelling way. It was difficult for me to believe what you were saying because I didn’t get a sense of who you were in this lyric. Because so many of my lyrics revolve directly around the enormous fears I’ve faced (and avoided) in my life I have a very powerful and intimate familiarity with the subject. I will admit I come to this topic with a very specific mind set, which in my case demands a greater respect and deeper exploration than I found in this lyric. I am deeply affected by lyrics on certain topics so if I offended you or allowed my own afflictions to intrude and carry me beyond a simple critique please accept my apologies. I acknowledge and commend you for tackling this subject in your own unique way.
  4. Hi Joey, I have to acknowledge your soft heart reminiscing in this lyric. And while it’s a million miles away from anything I would write I must confess that even I (as hard-hearted as I am) would swoon if a man wrote this song for me. Is it sappy - sure it is, but it surprisingly works within the genre you have chosen to express your longing. I will say that for me the word nostalgic seemed to be a difficult sounding word to sing with its “ick” sound on the end. I kept hearing the word sentimental instead of nostalgic when I read it but the meaning may be a shade or two different than what you were going for. I wasn’t in love with the “when I left your heart to bleed” line but it does go with the emotionality of the piece and I guess it’s age appropriate for the intended audience. This one really tugs at the heart sleeves (my mother used to use the expression) and I can readily hear this song being delivered in front of a warm fireplace with a shared glass of wine and a beautiful yet wistful smile.
  5. When I was a child my folks and I would visit my aunt. On her property was a beautiful and stately Willow tree ( known as a weeping willow.) My brother and I would climb that tree and have lots of fun. lost on its limbs and branches. Years later, after my aunt had passed, I was in her town to visit a friend. I drove by my aunt's property. Her home had been torn down and condos had been erected. That beautiful Willow tree had long been removed. I remember feeling a rush of sadness that something so "permanent" and part of the earth had been destroyed... all of which is to suggest Willow Tree, if you're going to make a change. I too like Tallow, btw.
  6. Hi Paul, I think you have penned a compassionate and hopeful lyric. (Sadly, the answer to your last verse is a resounding NO! Apparently our DNA does not allow for this.) Personally, I like the chorus as it is and don’t see any compelling reason to change it. I think it works just fine. I did find the second verse to be problematic and awkward in its construction and imagery. I would think a father would send his sons (or daughters) off to war before he would send his “soldiers”. And although I follow the theme of the lyric I still don’t quite understand how “he” (of course I assume that “he” is the proverbial “everyman") can shut down the war machine. I think the statement made in the verse was a bit too “big” and difficult for me to easily absorb. I can see a mother weeping but I can’t see a father shutting down the war machine. I don’t know if anyone else felt the same. This subject lends itself to so many lyrical possibilities... some specific and some universal. As I see it, the challenge in a lyric with such big statements and sentiments is achieving a firm balance by being compelling and moving while not tipping over into maudlin and well intentioned. I do think for the most part you have accomplished compelling and moving. I like your lyric and I think there’s much to admire. It's a positive and hearfelt plea for sanity in an increasingly insane world.
  7. As always, I’m pleased to receive constructive critiques and kind words and grateful that you all have taken some time to read my lyric and comment on the writing and execution. This process is always helpful to me and I get quite a bit of inspiration and good ideas how to improve the quality and cohesion of my work. Realrush - Thank you for your comments and kind words. Jwallace - Thank you for the read and your positive response to the verses. Can you pin down what it is about the chorus that you find weak or lacking? Bob - As always thank you for your comments. You make some good suggestions. That one verse you don’t understand is basically my way of saying I’ve slept around just to ward off feeling lonely, desperate and unloved. I agree with most of the comments about the bridge - it needs to be scrapped or vastly improved. MikeB - Thank you for reading and commenting. Yes, I agree, the bridge needs improving. Songwolfe - Thanks a bunch for commenting. I’m going to make changes. Teeporter - Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I hear you on the bridge. Regarding the chorus, what would your suggestions be to make it stronger and/or what is it about the chorus that you find lacking?
  8. Wow! What a lyric! I also like fabkebab's suggestions. I wonder if in the last verse replacing believe with the word hope would supply a sense of additional longing and desire. Wonderful effort.
  9. Hi, I’ve read the two lyrics you posted and they both seem to reflect a coming to terms with your life and a realization that our time here on this fragile blue planet is a gift and one that is limited. I hear quite a lot of these sentiments and observations from people who have been mired throughout their lives in lots of behavioral issues and have hit bottom and want to reclaim their lives via numerous 12 step programs. I also think that the impetus for change increases as people age but the challenges increase as well because of the years and decades of marginal living and thinking. I think your lyrical aspirations are commendable and your subject matter is universal enough to be understood by most people, regardless of their age. I do think that you have boxed yourself in with your rhyme scheme - AABB - and that this has the effect of diminishing the power of your lyrics and weakening your observations, making them slaves to your rhyme scheme rather than allowing them to express deeper and more lyrically powerful sentiments. The moments in our lives when clarity shines brightest are both personally powerful and universally accessible and these moments need to be savored, respected and shared in a manner that does justice to them. I think you will benefit greatly from the advice and input of those individuals on this site who are far more gifted than I am and will be able to assist you in perfecting your songwriting desires and dreams. Sorry for being so wordy... it's just one of those mornings.
  10. I've been working on this on and off for a while and I just wanted to put it out there for comment. Don’t Let Me Go ©2017 Emily Bond V I’ve always believed In the kindness of strangers The power of goodness And the gift of a smile V But lately I feel That I’ve lost my reason And I’m aimlessly drifting Like a runaway child Love can feel so unfair I’m ashamed to say I need you here Oh... CH Hold me tonight Tie me down to your heartbeat Crush me right now With the weight of your soul Keep me forever Chained to this moment Hold me tonight Don’t let me go V Life’s cut me deeper Than you can imagine My dreams have all withered And crumbled to dust V I’ve traded respect To ward off this feeling Of going through life With no one to trust Love can feel so unfair I’m ashamed to say I need you here Oh... CH Hold me tonight Tie me down to your heartbeat Crush me right now With the weight of your soul Keep me forever Chained to this moment Hold me tonight Don’t let me go When there’s no one around You do what you must So you won’t drown CH Hold me tonight Tie me down to your heartbeat Crush me right now With the weight of your soul Keep me forever Chained to this moment Hold me tonight Don’t let me go Please hold me tonight Don’t let me go
  11. Wow! What a performance! I don't have to understand this to like it...and I like it!
  12. This is very much in my wheelhouse. One of those “I deserve everything I get” lyrics “because I’m so easily fooled and led on by my stupid head and heart.” There’s quite a bit to like about this and I can thoroughly identify with you. Love is so often rotten and foul when fed by false promises and incubated by childish dreams. I have journals filled with the horrid results of my impetuous actions... I’m such a slow learner and I have a terrible and destructive history of self-medicating. While it’s true that these ill-conceived behaviors ignite and spark my creativity they nevertheless scar and poison my soul... I have a line in a lyric I’m working on that reads, “I pray for happy endings but I wind up on the floor.” Your lyric seems to resonate with that statement of mine. Not to babble on but I think you have the makings of a very interesting and powerful lyric.
  13. Joey M - Thanks for your comments. You made some good suggestions worth considering. Thanks a bunch! lyriCal - Good points you made. ( I like slender arms and blue eyes - can't help myself lol!). Appreciate you stopping by and weighing in. Bob - Thank you for your suggestions regarding the line change. I think the heart/apart works here but I'll sit with your suggestion for a while. J wallace - Thanks a bunch for your kind words and compliments. (Rod Stewart!!?? Wow, that's reaching back lol!)
  14. Ohhhh, soooo cooool! Please write more verses so this doesn't have to end!
  15. I’m certainly no expert at deciphering the quality of lyrics or what works or doesn’t. I just go by what “speaks” to me and is relatable and seems like it’s written from a place of genuine truth and experience. I’ve read this lyric a number of times and in all honesty I couldn’t find a place within myself where it “speaks” to me. It’s like you came up with an idea for a clever hook and then labored to see how you could make it work... (I guess that’s what we all do to a greater and lesser extent in our lyrics.) But this lyric reads like it is way overworked and over-thought and that draws so much attention to the effort that it dilutes the flow of the lyric and the story, at least to me. It also reads very repetitive too, me which makes it feel very static in terms of the story, again, at least to me. I honestly don’t mean to sound harsh and I see that some other folks left you some very complimentary comments so it’s possible that I’m the odd person out on this lyric. If you’re truly in love with this lyric maybe you should put it aside for a few weeks and then revisit with fresh eyes. I do want to be clear that I’m not discounting all of the obvious time and effort you put into this, I’m just sharing my thoughts and feelings on how it played to me.