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ZephyrHeifer

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About ZephyrHeifer

  • Rank
    Contributing Muse
  • Birthday August 30

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Beside myself Beside myself

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Just lyrics so far.
  • Musical Influences?
    My tastes are pretty undifferentiated, but I can say I don't care for gangsta rap.
  1. ZephyrHeifer

    Lyrical meanings - a poll

    A bit late to the party, but here's where I stand right now: Predetermined meaning. I'm not confident enough in my lyric writing to be vague, but I hope to be able to be less controlling of the meaning in the future, at least sometimes. For feelings, I tend to focus on my own during my first pass, then try to open up the lyrics for greater receptivity in subsequent passes. Then again, I feel my lyrics are hot messes at the moment, so I may need to rethink my approach. Right now, my lyrics are for myself, but I wouldn't be posting if I didn't want to be heard eventually. Hopefully they'll be worth listening to at some point.
  2. ZephyrHeifer

    That Good Ol' Tequila Fire

    Thank you Kim, Arwright, Mortal, whistlin'goat, plapier, kuya, and =Bob= for taking the time to post. Sorry that I haven't been able to respond sooner, everybody; this month has been particularly punishing so far. I owe y'all some reviews once the crazy train lets me off. Kim: I'll take your comments to heart. I'm hearing that I need to trust my instincts instead of getting frustrated and thinking, "This is good enough!" V2's vagueness is symptomatic of that, so shame on me. I'll try working in a bridge and see what happens. Had been hoping that "spirit" pronounced as "spir-et" might be enough, but I think the rhythm's off, too. The rhythm will be the toughest to work on, but it'll be good practice. Arwright: Well... the lack of chorus is more because I'm terrible at them, so I've been kind of avoiding them, a little. Also, I was trying a lesser used form described in Shiela Davis's "The Art of Lyric Writing" to see what sort of response it would generate. Still trying to get my head around how lyric form affects the songs "feel"; just need to actively listen to more music, I guess. As for pure rhymes, I like them a lot, too! But mine always sound forced in lyrics, so I'm currently trying to use slant rhyme until I'm confident enough to go back. Mortal and plapier: I'm thinking I'm getting an idea what it means to be too poetic after your feedback- maybe too melodramatic and not natural feeling... I'm thinking it's because the imagery is a little too strong (like "church"/"a baptism by"; maybe "shrine"/"in the wake of") for the meaning, and there might be too much crammed in. Thanks also for your kind words! whistlin'goat: Ack! I can't believe I missed that all the times I did readthroughs! Nice catch! kuya: I was trying to have the song work on two levels at once as much as possible, but it might be too confusing? Technically, the blue desert spirit is the person, but I was wanted to make an oblique reference to tequila's origin from blue agave. I didn't read far enough in Wikipedia to learn about the Native American mysticism part... =Bob=: I really like "thirsting for fire", too! That's definitely better. Still considering the "shapeless shadows", though. Thanks for the suggestions, though. I definitely appreciate the comments and will work on this again when I'm a little more sane. Closing for now.
  3. ZephyrHeifer

    Above!

    Thanks for the feedback, Mortal and lyriCAL. Mortal: I'm still getting a feel of what's cheesy or overused; the art to making lyrics sound effortless and natural is quite mysterious to me! lyriCAL: Yeah, the chorus is pretty weak. Actually, when I'm writing, the chorus usually comes first, then I add verses... but then my choruses don't raise the energy and fall flat. Maybe I need to do another chorus rewrite at the end...? I'm glad you like the vibe! I was so frustrated writing that I wanted something bordering on vapid, so I'm glad that partially came through. Pretty busy this month, so I'll close this until I have time to polish this.
  4. ZephyrHeifer

    That Good Ol' Tequila Fire

    Oops, forgot to add that, Kim. Just added them in. Song forms aren't really my strong suit yet (like other things), so I hope my labels clear things up instead of obscure. No rush, I know my lyrics aren't going anywhere , but I appreciate the promise for future review.
  5. ZephyrHeifer

    Bottleneck Blues

    Hi kuya! I really get a bluesy feel while reading this lyric, which is impressive to me considering the topic. Is it me or does the rhythm change slightly in verses 4 and 5? The second lines on those verses seem shorter when compared to the other verses. A few suggestions came to mind; I hope you don't mind them. Keep or sweep, of course: "Into solid ground" seems weird to me. Maybe "Into the ground" or "Without a sound"? "hurling" seems a little too... casual? Not sure... maybe "heaving"? "I traded everything" in verse 3 feels a little short? Maybe "I traded it all away"? I like the last verse. "Might end up owning you" really clinches it, imo. The lyric keeps that clear-headed voice that I think is really neat about blues. Sense of loss, regret, without drowning in it. Overall, I like it, kuya. Nice work.
  6. ZephyrHeifer

    That Good Ol' Tequila Fire

    I've got a lot of uncertainties about this one. Too poetic? Too impersonal? Too abstract? Does it need a chorus? Are the different rhythms in the verses problematic? This was going to be my September lyric entry, but I didn't have confidence in it, among other reasons. Any comments welcome. -Max That Good Ol’ Tequila Fire [V1] Moonlight filtered through the blue desert spirit Across a bitter calm Chasing shadows in the shape of regret And yearning thirsting for That good ol’ tequila fire [V2] Took up the spirit and gulped down the flames Painful truth in a bottle All that was remained was hundred-proof chains And broken vows in That good ol’ tequila fire [V3] Felt the cleansing fire sweeping the past- The ashes of anguish away- The desert sands scorched into stained glass In the church of That good ol’ tequila fire [V4] Empty memories purified by the storm Born from the daily wastes Nothing remained save for the worm A baptism by That good ol’ tequila fire [Outro] (…Drown away that heartache in That good ol’ tequila fire… …When will the fever break in That good ol’ tequila fire… …When will the dreamer wake in That good ol’ tequila fire…)
  7. ZephyrHeifer

    The Last Thing You Wanted To Do

    Hi Paul, I'm reluctant to say it, but I'm a little confused by this lyric. Seems like she was "playing him for a fool", but that means the whole relationship was a lie, but "his heart was torn in two", so she was acting for that long? Perhaps I'm being naive, I guess I'm having a hard time believing someone would do this without warning after so long together... That aside, I felt the half-verses/bridges flowed really well into the other parts, though I'm not the most technically-accurate person around. Generally, the flow felt comfortably conversational. The line "She said that long ago you'd exposed your cruel plan" felt a little awkward to me, though. Maybe too many harsh consonants in the latter half? To me, it feels like the bridges had more impact than the chorus? Just my impressions (not adjusted for inflation), so KOS. -Max
  8. ZephyrHeifer

    A Frail Defence

    Hi Donna, My imagination is playing tricks on me... when I read this lyric, I'm hearing a slower, somewhat mournful solo (maybe whispering backups) with minimal accompaniment in the verses? A few words felt a bit funny to me: peel, numb. "...fortifies life's web" was difficult for me to parse each time I encountered it. Verse 2 doesn't seem to build from verse 1, except more of the same, maybe for emphasis? I can definitely hear the bridge building up to a long note howl. I didn't think much of "and yet it stands" at first, but by the end, it was much more powerful. This lyric definitely "sounds" different to me than others I've read here so far, even if I'm mishearing it.
  9. ZephyrHeifer

    Home Run RE-WRITE added 10-6-15- Thoughts Please!

    Hi Kim! I haven't read the other posts, so apologies if I beat dead horses with my impressions. I love this line: "My sweet southern charm got the urge to do harm". Almost made me spit out my drink! For me, the last line of the first chorus seems a bit weird to me ("That’s when you might just hit that home run"). I took "home run" and "score" to mean... well, in bed, but in verses 1 and 2, there didn't seem to be any indication "honey" was looking to "play" (though, yeah, most guys are, most of the time). Other than that, I enjoyed reading through the chorus, since it feels genuine and very in sync with the mood of the verses. I'm really sympathetic to the singer just by reading these lyrics!
  10. ZephyrHeifer

    Above!

    Haha, thanks, kuya! Hi Mortal, thanks for your feedback. Would you mind pointing out the forced rhymes? I'm afraid I have difficulty sensing them in my own lyrics, so having them pointed out would really help me fix them (before I post them here). As for your "bad habit", I unfortunately think I'm sometimes in the same boat, so I quite understand! But with regards to me receiving feedback, I've been ok with anything once I got over my "unrecognised genius" stage and realized exactly how much I have yet to learn. I'm also still learning what sorts of feedback each person prefers, but that'll take a bit longer.
  11. Thanks, scubed! I'll definitely try this again when I get in a rut. Having to express strange ideas using unusual rhymes... I can definitely say my brain wasn't in the same place after I finished.
  12. Fun idea, scubed, and I honestly enjoyed listening to and learning about prelatical episcopacy. Frankly, I'm impressed you can even pronounce it! I know I can't. Thought I'd give the challenge a try, but I got Lindmania stenophylla... The entry only has 2 sentences plus its scientific classifications... Really wanted to hit "Random" again, but in the spirit of the challenge, I stuck with it. Just lyrics, since my musical ability is... meager. A few notes: L.B. Smith was the authority on the plant, but doesn't have a Wikipedia entry, so I took some... liberties. The lyric is about his discovery and classification of the plant. Also, a cotyledon is an embryonic leaf inside a seed. L. stenophylla What's this? A new fruiting plant? With petals in multiples of three Gotta describe this one fast To leave my mark in botany My name is Smith, L.B. Smith Exploring South America with... Sketchbook handy and pen in hand In the name of scientific demand What else? Adventitious roots Growing wherever they're needed Septal nectaries making nectar And only one cotyledon? What now? I know its genus But I lack creativity So I'll dub this Lindmania stenophylla Based on its morphology In Latin, stenos means narrow and phylla means leaf There's other plants to describe, so I'll keep it brief! My name is Smith, L.B. Smith Exploring South America with... Sketchbook handy and pen in hand In the name of scientific demand Remember me!
  13. ZephyrHeifer

    Tyrant *edits 10/10/15 (still open)

    Hi Mortal_Soul! I actually like this idea! I was expecting something about a bad relationship, but was surprised that it delivered a little social commentary. Kind of felt I wanted more historical details, though, if you had an actual tyrant in mind. Might be a stronger lyric if it's about focused rage, instead of a rant? Maybe misreading this, but I sort of feel like the singer should be angrier? Maybe revolution angry? So telling the tyranny to "Take it away" seems very mild. Or if I'm wrong, maybe the singer should be downtrodden, but I'm not getting that impression, either. This lyric seems to be begging for electric guitars. Also was wondering about the progression of the verses. At first, I thought I'd might be chronological: V2 ends on marching to war, so I thought V3 might be about war, but it's not. Nitpick: hypocrisy In V1, line 3, "playing the violin", I thought you were talking about Nero, and was expecting something about the city in flames or laughing while setting fire to dreams. Would fit with the mood of the song, if not its meaning. "With the least remorse" stuck out a bit. Was thinking "Not a shred of remorse", but I'm not sure that would fit the theme. V3, lines 3-4 and V4 seems to lose some steam for me. At the end of the first bridge... it seems that they are pretty darn sure about not wanting the tyrant, so those lines feel wrong. There's a progression of anger in the last lines each of the bridges, but the last one about "making sure" seems to fall a little flat with just "haunting". I know I've been really critical, Mortal, but I really do like this idea. I dunno, I just get the feeling that I really want to hear this one. Keep or have lots to sweep.
  14. ZephyrHeifer

    Out of Time

    Hi Alan D, I don't really have much to say about technicals- the lyric flows and rhymes well. I really like the chorus, especially the last 2 lines of it- I get a strong dose of country flavor from them. I was a little confused about the meaning, though. On my first read-through, the last line of the first stanza, I wasn't sure whether "Daddy" took the songs or the family out west. In the second stanza, I wasn't sure whether "Daddy" left or died, so in the last line, I wasn't sure of "Daddy" thought the singer was a burden he wanted to be away from, or whether the singer also would be best running free. My impression is that "Daddy" left, but I don't feel any sadness in "Mama", just nostalgia, and the singer seems to be very distant, or understated. Kind of get the feeling that "Daddy" is sort of like some legend, living in an entirely different earth, and that those left behind are totally ok with that. All that being said, it works pretty well as is. It's easy for me to imagine this lyric set to music.
  15. ZephyrHeifer

    Above!

    Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to look and offer feedback. kuya and mick70, and Alan D: I think I get it: in an ABAB scheme, the As and Bs each should have their own similar rhymes and rhythm? And be careful if the rhymes are too similar which turns it into AAAA? I appreciate the technical advice and the feedback on what IS working- it really helps to know what needs work and what doesn't! Arius and spanishbuddha, you guys pretty much hit the nail on the head: in the chorus, I was too focused on the rhyme scheme, so the second half did end up mostly filler. I think it might sound ok in a song, but you're right, the song would be stronger if the chorus carried its own weight and more, while sounding good, too. I'll try to make it more meaningful in my next draft. I'll play around with a 3rd Above in the chorus. Now that I've had some time away from this lyric, I totally agree with the cheesiness of self-reference. It's pretty embarrassing in hindsight- it'll be the first thing I fix! plapier, thank you for your encouragement! I was almost the last one to submit a lyric for the competition, so I noticed that almost every one of them was a downer of some sort. My reaction was to make this lyric super sweet instead, but now it's time to refine some of that sugar.
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