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Ron99

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    197
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Ron99 last won the day on May 9

Ron99 had the most liked content!

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27 Excellent

About Ron99

  • Rank
    Active Muse
  • Birthday

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Shangri-La

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyrics
  • Musical Influences?
    Dylan, Paul Simon, John Lennon
  1. The whole river flows smoothly for me until this line, which is when I feel like I experienced an eddy. Hard to say why. It's a really matter of fact statement among other more poetic lines. And it isn't parallel: the first 3 lines say what girls should be doing--dancing, turning, wearing flowers, whereas this line is what others are doing. I feel like it should say somehow that the girls should not be the source of others' despair. And it's also a little hard to enunciate smoothly. This is very subjective.
  2. Sorry, but I don't know what this means.
  3. There's something about the last line of the chorus. A non sequitur? It doesn't seem to be an outcome of the lines that led up to it. It seems like an after-thought, an anticlimax, an aside. And what does it actually say? Marry me as we kiss beside the sea. A strange thought. The whole rest of it seems quite well crafted.
  4. This is so good, but I always stumble on corroding heavy metal. It seems out of place and unrelated to everything else. (to me)
  5. But Mark had an idea And so he tried Next time he kissed me It was under the slide 1. Its fine but is not grammatically perfect like the rest. One idea (A great idea) that he tried was to kiss me next time under the slide. ???? 2. You seem driven to use his name, but the listener might want to put in one of their own. 3. I would give this an A+
  6. Thank you Cindyrella, I was trying to lay out the idea of a person at a bar acting like a mortician in the sense that he/she is pickling his own liver and embalming his/her own brain, which is hardly an exaggeration, my compatriots. (You know who you are.) I just didn't communicate it. I also unnecessarily turned it into a long story.
  7. But "it ain't coming" doesn't leave me much room to reiterate that evil spreads when it's not opposed. Hey. The idea that evil spreads when it's not opposed has a pretty good sound itself, and is more original-sounding than "Evil wins when the good do nothing." [Edmund Burke. The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. ] Maybe... Evil wins when it's not opposed or unopposed Breeds like rats when it's not exposed. Just a thought. Another thought: I hope, when recorded, that the listener will be able to actually hear your quite powerful lyrics, which I haven't so far found to be the case.
  8. Thank you, Paul. I blundered again on the Clarity issue. I'll fix it.
  9. Lyrical: Yes, too long. Gotta repackage. BigHappyJack: OK, too rough. Hope to take care of that when I shorten it up. Mike: What I meant was, our boy was behaving like a mortician, doing what morticians do, and getting it done at the bar in that motel chain. Maybe, "I'm like a mortician working in a motel chain."
  10. THE PICKLE SONG v1 My heart became a smoldering bruise. It just crumbled when I managed to lose My girl from Vancouver, and the logical maneuver Was immersion of my mind in booze. v2 An accommodating place to begin Was in Seattle at a Holiday Inn. They offered a delight they called ‘The Meteorite’ That I ordered up again and again. v3 The bartender wrote me off as a fool. He found it unforgivably cruel That every working night he had to contemplate the sight Of some boozer falling off of a stool. chorus I was a mortician working in a motel chain, Pickling a liver and embalming a brain, Knocking out a copy from the top of a stool Of an obituary on account of some Canadian fool. v4 The months were blowing by in a blur. I would drink and keep a’thinking of her. The time that I was losing I would occupy musing On the stick that I was using to stir. v5 One evening I was browsing the bar, Pondering a crumpled cigar. There weren't a lot to learn and I decided I would turn My attention to a Mason jar. v6 I held it up and struggled to see. There was a pickle in a bunch of debris. My head began to swirl as I believed for all the world That I was catching a reflection of me. chorus v7 There was nothing I could hope to reverse. Just a wound that I was needing to nurse. Pouring all the booze upon a festering bruise Was a curse that made the misery worse. v8 The bartender, he was totally floored When that final drop of liquor was poured. But the misery was gone and I intended holding on To those organs that were still on board. v9 There were plans I knew I needed needed to lay For hands I might be able to play. But I would owe it to a chick to be a preferable pick To the specimen before you today. Chorus
  11. Sadness of the deepest hues??? I couldn't. . .
  12. This is the one line that doesn't sound quite right or have the punch of the others. Maybe something that ends with it ain't coming
  13. Let us pray that she reciprocates with the studfinder and solidifies your girder
  14. Emily you're going to hate this so much. V1 When the sun went down The music would start I couldn't control My body parts I'd wiggle and shake My hips and arms Lick my lips Flash my charms Laugh too loud Smile too much Get in close Rub and touch It was always the same Chorus Sun rise Bloodshot eyes Aching head Stranger's bed Where’s my phone Uber home It was always the same Always the same Then one more verse where you, yes, met Henry! And the song takes an upturn instead of a dip into pathology, desperation, and, ugh, psychotherapeutic counselling. There's no mention of drugs at all in verse 1. Or whoring. The person in verse 1 is just in a rut. Wouldn't a listener want to hear you somehow getting lifted out of that instead of diving off a cliff? Or wallowing in incurability? And there is real humor in the uber home line. Not even black humor after that. (If the song turned positive somehow, it would need a modified chorus. God let it be the same?)
  15. I think it has all kinds of potential. Metaphorical potential. A worthy theme. And it is funny. --- I will drywall your heart. Instead of having a chorus, you might have this line at the end of each verse On the other hand, then heart would probably have to rhyme with something Still I wouldn't sing it four times each time the chorus came up I will drywall your heart. I will drywall your heart. La, la, drywall your heart. I smooth out things with bit of gypsum We should put [put down a tarp] something down cause I’m bound to drip some. great! Seems like, for clarity, the cracks should be more in her heart , rather than in our relationship