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Ron99

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Ron99 last won the day on December 6 2017

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About Ron99

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    Inspirational Muse

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    EWeston99

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Tennessee

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyrics. Music someday.
  • Musical Influences?
    Dylan, Paul Simon, John Lennon

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  1. Ron99

    I Got Blues

    I just can't win! Like a Rodney Dangerfield bit. Made me laugh and look forward to the next "ooze," none of which seemed even a little bit forced. I would insert an instrumental for some variety.
  2. Ron99

    I Didn't Stay

    Really good meter and rhyming. "And canned replied throughout the day" replies? Its meaning? I'll take a stab. per Sartre, Hell is other people. The singer got thrown into unpleasantly perplexing or hollow situations (or being misunderstood) over the years, and chose to move on rather than stay around and clarify them or solve them, wondering what in life is actually worth such trouble, and what his life's bigger purpose might be, though he doesn't seem to have found it.
  3. Ron99

    Nothing Says Love Like Flowers

    I feel like there are two topics: the flower thing that the song is actually about, and the prison/murderer thing that is a distraction and is of value only in the sense that it explains why the protagonist has been away, and provides a source for the advice that was given to him, neither of which requires a murderer. Couldn't the cell mate have just jilted his wife? Once I heard about a murderer, I remained focused on that instead of the more subtle flower story. Also the last verse, the conclusion, needs, IMHO, to be a little less less ambiguous.
  4. Ron99

    I Don't Care

    Now I really don’t care anymore Since all my hopes have fallen forlorn Hopes don't fall forlorn. People become forlorn. How about something like . . . All my hopes and dreams are mangled Something or other becoming strangled or We're all abused and knocked about Hopes and dreams have got snuffed out And I don’t care who’s in charge I really don’t care. Don’t wanna see. There’s nothin like it used to be That nothing's like it used to be? All over my hopes are strewn I don't think a person would say this. He'd say something like: My hopes are strewn all over the place. It looks like you flipped the sentence to make it rhyme. How about something like . . My hopes are strewn all over the place. Don't matter to me, I'm out of the race. or I quit the race. And there ain’t nothin’ I can do Ain’t nobody gonna play fair Ain't nobody playing fair But I’ll tell you right now I really don’t care This is a picture of hopelessness, It’s a picture fear You can tell me it’s not But I really don’t care I ain’t gonna worry like I did before I really don’t care, not anymore All these folks thinkin' they’re fine People trying to tell me that everything's fine They keep tryin’ to change my mind Preachifying, [talking all day, etc] trying to change my mind How did I reach such despair There’s people to blame But I really don’t care It’s too late to turn back now Ain’t nobody would even know how Some folks laugh. Some are scared. But not me. I really don’t care. Everything great has gone away. Nothin’s comin’ back. It's gone to stay. Out of sight and gone to stay. Look at all what’s been done Very closely if you dare. Ya know I’d do it myself But I really don’t care ______ A lot of your lyrics seem to be about philosophical hopelessness, without the personal suicidal ideation. About my speed. I think this is how a lot of people are beginning to feel. So much negative potential looming in our world. Good rhyme scheme. Looks like AA BB CC DD ExE Regarding the first four lines of the second verse, it briefly becomes xAxA instead of AA BB. Also maybe you could find a shorter word than hopelessness. And you use the word picture twice in those two lines.
  5. Ron99

    Short Changed

    PEKO, Good concept. I haven't read the War and Peace of preceding comments, but will just throw out some possibilities as it stands now. V1 Male Vocalist Just my luck to fall for that smile When settling down wasn’t her style Her life was good and she was havin’ fun And she wasn’t ready for only one And she weren't ready for only one or She was devil-may-care and never got lonely Had no use for a one-and only V2 The more I saw her, the harder I fell The more time together, the harder I fell The more we hung out, the harder I fell Did she love me? I couldn’t tell What was she feeling, I never could tell What she felt, I never could tell She made a crack about fish in the sea She made remarks, She liked to talk about, She kept talking, She rambled on and on about fish in the sea And how much she liked bein’ free And the big deal benefits of being free, all the benefits, all the many PC So I told her how it was with me. Chorus If you feel short-changed, Honey, I do, too I want you to love me like I love you If you’re not all in, then count me out It’ll kill me if we’re through I’m talkin’ ’bout a lifetime and I wanna do it right But I'm talking bout a lifetime of doing it right It’s all up to you, and it’s time to decide V3 Female Vocalist The light came on as he laid it on the line If I wasn't his, he wasn't mine The fatal flaw of my precious plan Was taking no account of this loving man V4 He played for real and I wanted that I knew he loved me and I loved him back He stood before me, the best of men There he stood, the best of men And I made my decision there and then PC When he told me how it was with him Chorus Bridge: Both— We both made the deal of our lives that day When we said Short Changed is not okay We changed our lives in a single stroke Being shortchanged was/is just a joke became a joke PC And this is how it was... And that's how it was
  6. Ron99

    Difficult to Look At

    DIFFICULT TO LOOK AT Any thoughts welcome v1 I was dreaming everybody was a movie star. Living in the world was great. Everyone was happy just driving in a car With anybody on a date. v2 But I knew it wasn't true cuz I was looking at you. The discrepancy was so immense. Although I did appreciate a passable view As I was peeking at ya over the fence. prechorus But still I had to ponder on the staggering sight Of that weather-beaten nose that goes deviating left and right. chorus 1 You're a little difficult to look at babe Just a little hard to peruse. But if you offered to grace me with a fond embrace I don’t believe I would refuse. v3 I debated every day about lingering or leaving As I thought about the bad and the good. I should not have been grieving since I really hadn't even Got to know you, though I figured I could. v4 You'd have to be fanatical to take a bunch of notes About a person’s anatomical flaws. Better just to jump with a lump in your throat Until a revelation gives you pause. prechorus 2 Indeed the other day I got to feeling alarm About the way them ears could just flap off and fly to the farm. chorus 2 You're a little difficult to look at babe, Just a little hard to regard. But if you're looking to find a motivatable mind, You won't have to try that hard. v5 And now you wanna modify your presentation. But I’d rather that you let it ride Just to sit beside you is a revelation And tonight I really must confide. v6 I felt a little stress about the nose and all the rest, That I was driven to evaluate, and For a couple of weeks I was a bit obsessed About this or that irregular trait. prechorus 3 But those imperfections disappeared from view When it hit me like a block of cement that they were not you. chorus 3 You're a little difficult to look at babe Just a little hard to behold. But I'd prefer ya' on my knee to Angelina Jolie By about a thousand fold.
  7. Extremely good. But what to do with it?? I once with a great effort re-wrote a couple of verses of Simple Twist of Fate. Why? Because I thought they needed it. And there they sit. Maybe we should mail our stuff to Bob. I guess what you're saying is that it was a good exercise to get you rolling. Get you into a quality mode. It's obvious you can produce some great material.
  8. Ron99

    Hard Way Home

    In the late-night shadows I heard a woman say… ‘Come close, my dear, Come watch the river play [Then] kneel, and drink From the gleaming water Lay your hands On the singing stones so good, including the rhythmn of it [For] all of this will soon be gone And it’s going to be a hard way home Oh, such a hard way home’ I would drop this last line. You've come up with a great, succinct, trenchant hook. I would let it carry its own punch. Repeating it actually detracts (to me). And it does get sung three times.
  9. Ron99

    Take it All (updated 04/10/2018)

    possibilities Take it all You heard right I've decided I don't want to fight this fight (I scan see that) There's no way to win this fight ? (I see there's nothing for me) There's nothing for me in this fight ? Put beside the love I'm losing When I think about the love I'm losing ? In the shadow of the love I'm losing ? Other things look pretty small So take it all Take it all
  10. Ron99

    The Pickle Song

    Peko: There are a lot of holes in this thing. I just got enamored with the phrase "Pickling a liver and embalming a brain," and things sprung up around that. I agree with each of your points. Appreciate the effort. Will put this one on the bottom of the pack for now. Joe Bloggs: Very good suggestion. Got more hard consonants, too.
  11. Ron99

    The Pickle Song

    DonnaMarilyn: Appreciate the excellent suggestions. I will take a step back and incorporate a lot of that. R-N-R Jim: Yes, I rhyme compulsively, but never so excessively as in this song. I'm slowly learning to resist.
  12. Ron99

    The Pickle Song

    Have tried to correct a few things per your input. See above.
  13. Ron99

    The Pickle Song

    Mike, Jazzraptor, and Mick70: Thank you for the input. I guess the answer is to just get rid of the comparison of the guy to a mortician, maybe something like: Pickling a liver and embalming a brain, Pulling out the stops trying to soften the pain . . . Back to the drawing board.
  14. Ron99

    The Pickle Song

    Trying again. Responding to comments. THE PICKLE SONG v1 My heart became a smoldering bruise. It crumbled when I managed to lose My lover from the Bronx, and my natural response Has been to marinate my mind in booze. v2 I’m consuming everything in reach And that ain’t just a figure of speech. A load of alcohol has been aligned along the wall And I’ve been working through a bottle of each. Chorus I’m in the Black Horse Tavern trying to soften the pain, Pickling a liver and embalming a brain. I guzzle full tilt. Take it right to the hilt. A woman brought it on and by God she’s gonna suffer the guilt. v3 The bartender calls me a schmuck. Complains about the horrible luck That every working night he has to contemplate the sight Of some bellyacher running amuck. v4 (He said) “You nincompoops are always the same. It never gets as bad as you claim. The metropolis is brimming with eleven million women Just get your body back in the game.” Chorus I’m in the Black Horse Tavern trying to soften the pain, Pickling a liver and embalming a brain. I guzzle full tilt. Take it right to the hilt. That woman brought it on and by God she’s gonna suffer the guilt. _______________________________________________________________________________ older version v1 My heart has been smoldering bruise. It just crumbled when I managed to lose My girl from Vancouver and the logical maneuver Was to marinate my mind in booze. v2 An accommodating place to begin Was the tavern of a Holiday Inn. They offer up a drink they call 'the Kitchen Sink' I've been ordering again and again. v3 The months are blowing by in a blur. As I drink and keep a’thinking of her. And the time that I been losing I have occupied musing On the stick that I been using to stir. Chorus I’m like a mortician working in a motel chain, Pickling a liver and embalming a brain, Setting up a shop upon the top of a stool To obliterate a body on account of some Canadian fool v4 The bartender called me a jerk. He said it wasn’t part of his work To grapple every night with the infuriating site Of some bellyacher going berserk. v5 (He said) “You nincompoops are always the same. It never gets as bad as you claim. The metropolis is brimming with eleven million women Just get your body back in the game.” Chorus I’m like a mortician working in a motel chain, Pickling a liver and embalming a brain, Setting up a shop upon the top of a stool To obliterate a body on account of some Canadian fool
  15. Ron99

    Heard You Leaving REVISION 3

    1. Maybe Heard You Leaving. Doesn't sound like there is any watching. 2. Things are tiptoeing. All is muffled and secret, etc, so maybe could also have car start up quietly instead of with grinding gears. 3. Great structure and cadence 4. You thought that I was sleeping And my heart would never break. He wouldn't think exactly that. …But my eyes were always open ‘Cept for when I was awake Pretty nice paradox.
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