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Ron99

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Ron99 last won the day on November 21

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About Ron99

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    Active Muse

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    Male
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    Shangri-La

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyrics
  • Musical Influences?
    Dylan, Paul Simon, John Lennon
  1. It's Like We Never Said Goodbye

    I think the exact sentiment could be clearer.
  2. Can't Do This Anymore

    You got rid of the last word, at! Mistake!
  3. Solid Evidence

    I think in the final line you mean to say awaiting. The hook in this is small: Awaiting solid evidence. Not exactly a chorus, as the first of two lines is different each time. More like a refrain at conclsion of each of three verses. And it is necessarily a little different each time. But it contains the essential thought. Might consider putting Awaiting in the title. I love its unfailing meter.
  4. TIE ONE ON

    This seems like it would be hard to fit into two stresses. How about simply--"There's forGIVeness in a BOTTle" or "Find forGIVEness in a BOTTle. Good piece of work, especially with that critical thing, a dynamite hook. I googled it and miraculously didn't find another song with that title. How could nobody have ever thought of that? These two lines seemed less elegant and rhythmically appropriate than the others. Maybe -- By the third month I went mental on the bourbon and the gin? (or psycho, or bonkers . . . ) the above from Peko is one of the best suggestions I've ever seen.
  5. Death

    Paul: Thank you. Yes agonal is a real word, though it may not belong in a song. Kuya: Thank you. Yes, it needs a another title but just can't come up with one. Spanishbuddha: Thank you! James: Thank you. Hope the use of the name Jim is the only thing the character has in common with you. Dan: Thank you. And it does have a sort of a melody.
  6. Death

    This is a strange one, I admit. Any input appreciated. DEATH Form: v v v v ch v v ch v v v1 A friend of mine polished up his expertise So he could teach an aboriginal flock. He traveled overseas, caught a fatal disease, And they laid him out to die on a rock. v2 When I found him on the ground beside a bundle of wood. He pleaded with his agonal breath-- "Brother if you could, think of something good To say about the topic of...death." v3 I said "In dealing with the misery that's coming to roost, You look a little lost for tools. But there will be no mis'ry when you’ve been reduced To a little pile of molecules. v4 And I know you got a daughter who’s about seventeen And you wrote a book about mankind. So your chromosomes'll travel down the river of genes, And your thoughts down the tunnel of time.” Chorus He said “I'm agonizing here on a stone, And you won't even even throw me a bone. And tell me that there's nothing to dread. You just beat around the bush instead About the benefits of being dead!” v5 I said "You won't be playing shuffleboard and shooting the breeze. So your family will be excused From counting out your pills and pulverizing your peas, And coping with you when you're confused. v6 And they will allocate your money by the words in your will. Nobody's going to intervene, And claim it in the future for a medical bill, While you're vegetating on a machine.” Chorus He said “I'm agonizing here on a stone, And you still haven’t thrown me a bone. And told me that there's nothing to dread. You just beat around the bush instead About the benefits of being dead!” v7 I said “We keep bumping up against a stumbling block. You need to get yourself consoled. It’s time to stop clinging to an earthly rock And prepare for what must unfold. v8 Think about the ocean, how it bubbles and it spews. You’re a raindrop, scattered and blown, You eventually fall and you finally fuse With the ocean on a blanket of foam." I said "Jim you're going home."
  7. It's All A Mistake

    Jim, I can't absorb all those revisions, so will look at the latest version and just throw out some thoughts. Agree it's much tighter and now has a consistent meter. And its meaning seems to shine through better. It has a complex and truly great rhyme scheme! abbaa cdcd I love that. Intro I fell for the deal. I took the bait. None of it’s real. It’s all a mistake. Been told what to do since I was two Coming backwards to this foreign place This line no longer seems to fall nicely into the rhythm of the others. How about--Since I appeared / showed up in this foreign place Now tell me where to occupy space On a merry go round I can’t jump off Never saw it coming, so subtle and soft Seated properly hearing this spiel Falling in line, absorbing the spiel Didn’t realize THAT it's all fake None of it's real It's all a mistake You tell me what to do. I wish you knew. As if you knew? The same old bullshit every day poppycock hogwash absurdities double-talk There’s got to be a different way some different way? There’s nothing needed to be deduced Nothing needed to be deduced. It's just a massive trap it’s only a ruse It's a devilish trap, a malevolent [merciless sadistic] ruse Found out too late. No matter how I feel, It was others deciding my fate. None of it's real. It's all a mistake. Been told what to do and what’s taboo. Just hanging around this wicked place Looking for the meaning of the human race. Shoulda been told right from the start. Never heard a word--just left in the dark. Everything’s at stake but it’s all concealed So much at stake Whatever it is I undertake None of it’s real doesn't come out real It all a mistake Outro Been told what to do, what not to do. That's all over now. I say screw you. No reason for rhyme, no sense of time no reason or rhyme There’s nothing out here that’s all that great. None of it’s real. It’s all a mistake. Maybe even a concluding adjective, like It's a ghastly [or rotten] mistake (You must have read Schopenhauer.)
  8. Punching Bag

    When you set about this, you probably weren't dreaming that you would become the punching bag! _____________________________________________________________ Why everybody? Is it not just some people? Is this lyric really a generalization about all of us? _____________________________________________________________ There just isn't a punching bag in a game of tag. I believe you have mixed your metaphors. All just to rhyme with bag. I tried unsuccessfully to find something else to rhyme with it. Maybe use something beside a punching bag. Everybody needs a--whipping boy? patsy? doormat? chump? stooge? mark? lightening rod? bogeyman? The accurate word would be scapegoat but what rhymes with that? And it's too literal. I thought about-- Some people seem to need a dog to kick When they find themselves with a wound to lick but I think that might be another mixed metaphor, and kicking a dog would hardly be original. Big challenge, but hitting a punching bag to deflect myself in the middle of a game of tag brought me to an immediate halt.
  9. One Plus One

    My reaction is that the chorus is good and the verses are good, but that they are tone-wise out of sinc with each other. The verses are about the not-so-good things you've done to him, how sorry you are. A plea. A repentance. The chorus is a light-hearted, almost childlike romp about how the two of you are a good fit--like nothing bad had ever happened. Happy sad happy sad Complex simple complex simple. I as a listener feel that I'm ricocheting between two sets of vibes. A roller coaster of contrasts. You could almost make them at two different tempos. I understand that the chorus is an attempt to remind him how nice things once were, and could be, but the sections each come on too abruptly, to me. I feel like it needs a chorus about reconciliation and apology. The hauling up of a white flag.
  10. It's All A Mistake

    I find the point of the song in the third verse: Looking for meaning of the human race. And what's the mistake is what you have been told--the spiel, from people who don't know any more than you do, but are passing on what they have been taught. It's a good lyric to me. And is a nice example of three verses with the refrain at the end of each verse. So no need for a chorus, as I was trying to persuade you in Can't Do This Anymore. Trying to understand how many stresses (beats) per line, as, if it's a song, you should be able to sing/fit each verse to one melody. Seems to be non-uniform. And this is very treacherous territory because you can stress lines differently, and squeeze things in, etc, and a reader can't know what you're thinking. But what I get is... Been told what to do since I was two 4 Ever since I got to this wicked place 4 What to think, where to occupy space 4 In the system and I can’t jump off 3 Didn't see it coming it’s subtle and soft 4 Trying to stay awake hearing this spiel 4 Didn’t know it's all fake none of its real 4 It's all a mistake 2 Been told what to do since I was two 4 I’m still being told to this very day 4 Please somebody take me away 4 There’s nothing needed to be deduced 4 It's just a massive trap it’s only a ruse 4 Found out too late no matter how I feel 4 Others have made my fate none of it's real 6 It's all a mistake 2 Been told what to do since I was two 4 Just hanging around this wicked place 4 Looking for meaning of the human race 4 Shoulda been told right from the start 4 Never heard a word just left in the dark 4 Eveything’s at stake but it’s all concealed 4 Whatever I may undertake, none of it’s real 7 It all a mistake 2
  11. Can't Do This Anymore

    Song Form: Verse Chorus Verse Chorus Verse Chorus Each verse is ten lines, the last two of which are a refrain: Say goodbye now there’s the door, I can't do this anymore _____________________________________ from Wikipedia: Refrain: a lyric at the beginning or end of a section that is repeated in every iteration. Chorus: A discrete, independent section within the form. __________________________________________________ If you have a refrain, why have a chorus? And vice versa? If there is a chorus, the verses are supposed to lead up to it, pave the way for it, rather than steal its thunder. You could drop the refrains, which say nothing new, and just let the chorus pound home the message, so I can't do this any more gets said three times instead of six. Or better yet, you could drop the chorus and the song would be just as good, the message being in the conclusion of each verse, as in Blowing in the Wind or (Hank Williams)...Move it on over, Move over little dog cause the big dog's moving in, (at the end of each of about six verses). And as in a million other songs. __________________________________________________ Where is she? It's like she's in the room and you're talking to her...There's the door. So you might consider not saying I got the letter you sent me, which may be true. Maybe you got it a month ago. Still, it brings up the possibility that he is alone and writing to her. But if that were true, he wouldn't be telling her to close the door. ______________________________________ Got a love note in my pocket That used to make me blue This is a little confusing to me. A love note wouldn't be an occasion to be blue. It would have been written on one of her good days. (Of course he could get blue because it doesn't apply any more, but it's a little stretch.) Maybe just I got a message in my pocket or an earful, scolding, some comments, some accusations, allegations, insinuations, revelations or a note inside my pocket or a postcard in my pocket ______________________________________ Chorus I don’t need to hear you plead This woman who hisses doesn't sound like someone who would exactly plead __________________________________________ IMO this song would be worth chasing down because of the following pearls: You went that And we never could find Where the middle was at and I got a lot more give You got a lot more take And a heart of stone That I can’t break and, of course, the very solid, memorable, and emotional hook, "I can't do this any more"
  12. Cutting Me Loose

    Thank you James L Kleinheksel for the high-horsepower effort! Appreciated. All sorts of great specifics. I obviously need to rewrite from the bottom up
  13. Cutting Me Loose

    Thank you Rerry33. Please remember to give people specifics, something they can work with.
  14. Cutting Me Loose

    Thank you Paul. Valuable input as always.
  15. Tossed out and Broken

    I did appreciate this, though I thought the alliteration was a weakness because the listener wonders for a second if they were hearing the same word. The better part was "we're not solid, not granite---- I cant understand it." I also like the way you don't take yourself too seriously. I also felt like you could accept some conventionality, like song form, i.e., verses with refrains or a recurrent chorus. Never heard of a bunch of bridges.
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