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Ron99

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Ron99 last won the day on June 29

Ron99 had the most liked content!

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About Ron99

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    Active Muse
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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Shangri-La

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyrics
  • Musical Influences?
    Dylan, Paul Simon, John Lennon
  1. A grammar thing. As with your last gem, I am left with one miniscule suggestion about one word.
  2. Is that what you mean by paper bee--a bee landing on a piece of paper? Is that an actual expression?
  3. Fly off into the sun?? Presumptuous of me to try to improve this treasure
  4. Too much sugar (too much sugar) No, my Baby's sweet (my Baby's sweet) Not too much sugar She's just sweet enough for me This is a little confusing to me. Seems like you don't need the first line or the word No. Who is the first line referring to? Or is it a question? ------ Too much sugar presumably implies one-dimensionality. Not exactly too much sugar, but not enough of other things (including a little tartness, a challenge). --------------- We eat an apple because of the sugar. But the actual nutrients are antioxidants, flavanoids, and dietary fiber, and a few calories from the sugar. Nature makes us seek out sugar in order to make us eat apples and so many other foods. Sugar was discovered, isolated, in the eleventh century and began to become widely available from the sixteenth century onward (Wikipedia). We learned, God help us, that we could could skip the apple and just eat the sugar!! I sometimes think of prostitution (or one night stands) as the marketing of sugar, where you don't have to know the person etc. Or usage of recreational drugs to achieve a feeling state without going through the associated experience that Mother Nature intended. So the lady who came and won your heart might have been a little tart but I expect you found the apple beneath the sugar. I think you alluded to this: My college days were a crazy haze (great internal rhyme. In this song, you're using perfect rhymes!) of hookin' up with pretty girls. But the conversation on those dates put me right back in that grocery store (all sugar, no apple). Maybe there's another song in there for another time?? It must be taken under advisement That sugar is simply an enticement. She easily lured me through the door. She had the sugar but so much more. . .
  5. My girl's got the sugar to keep me groovin' And just enough roughage to keep things movin. (a little morning silliness)
  6. I don't think of snails as roaming, like bears and tigers How about a bird in the wind? that just blows in and at the end of the day is on her way (not that stellar, i know) --- The whole second verse, which seems to be no longer describing her but is cheering her on, was the weak link to me, especially where you shoe-horned in that shopping cart again, which wasn't bad the first time --- and She's wild a heart I'm sure is wild at heart --- I like the chorus --- like hysteria she'll surround you this is strange
  7. Fun song, great hook Some very tiny suggestions . . . Everybody's got some things they enjoy. A team, a hobby, or maybe some toys. some favorite toy ---- Scooters n hooters. Bouncing down the road Burning the road ----- 52 panhead with a suicide clutch My good friend Jenny who I like so much dig / enjoy / -----
  8. I like the TED talks I have seen, so your lyric stirs up some defensiveness. I do admit it is well done and funny, though you achieve your humor through grotesque exaggeration. Humor is an irresistible form of attack. Here' a variation on my perception of the real meaning of your chorus... She invited me to talk and and I could have stayed But sometimes a fellow just wants to get laid
  9. It is a problem that a reader can't imagine the melody (and thus the phrasing) of a lyric. It can lead to frustrating off-the-mark commentaries. But there's no way a reader could know what your hearing in your head. I guess the cure is to post a recording in the song section. Anyway, I would assume that the melody & arrangement are this song's strong parts and that it is a party tune. For that purpose, I think the lyrics are great and have great cadence. My only comment would be that he is described as Mr. Perfection solely on the basis of his physical appearance--and yet in verse 1, you describe what you are looking for in terms of his imagined character and his considerateness. We see the real story in the whole rest of the song. Thank the lord men don't behave like that.
  10. Ignore Snarky. His comments are vapours in the air.
  11. The good: This is not one of the songs on this site that has an elusive cadence. Can hardly read it without tapping my foot. The bad: Rather than a chorus, there is a trend toward ending verses with the hook (although the hook is not the title, which appears but once in the final verse. Perhaps the title ought to be "Whispers in the Wind"). Anyway, the hook, "whispers in the wind," appears at the end of only the first two of the four verses, and is ultimately tacked on compensatorily as an outro. So it provokes the unsettling feeling in me--of disorder. And to me the statement: "I still have my music and I’m glad I love to play"--is kind of flopping in the wind, reaching for relevance. The ugly: It's rather vague. You can't believe promises. Promises from whom? Yes, salesmen and poker players. But the lyric is basically an expression of a more or less general distrustful sentiment. A person needs to not be naive. Would someone really want to sing about this? Who does the singer represent? Someone who just got screwed? (I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.)
  12. Back to the patience issue! Should you decide to change the word, how bout impatience?! also maybe, yearning, longing, spirit, or emotion
  13. You don't seem to be an irredeemable bastard this time. The thing is, you're a poet. So there's always a stretch. Nothing just plain and linear. And always compact and cryptic. (Like the Boone's Farm) So you really have to listen, although this one was the easiest of yours to follow. Each line is fresh and evocative and clever. Rhymes are original and unpredictable. There is no filler. Nothing ordinary. I'm not sure about patience being a cherry bomb. How bout something else being a cherry bomb, something that smolders--passion/ardor/desire/carnality/heart/generosity/love. . . There are plenty of original metaphors: memory = a tatoo (best line) summer = a cigarette our affair = water patience = a cherry bomb !? (Do they still make those?) Some metaphors are longer stretches than others. The smoldering edges are pretty far out there. I would guess that they are the realization that things were beginning to deteriorate?? I hope you have melodies for your babies.
  14. Good song. I thought this verse was the weak link, particularly the second and fourth lines. Seems a vague way to put it. Also, with this theme, you have some heavy competition from Linda Ronstadt. . . "Long Long Time" Caught in my fears, blinking back the tears I can't say you hurt me when you never let me near and And I never drew one response from you All the while you fell all over girls you never knew and And life's full of flaws, who knows the cause? Living in the memory of a love that never was People will say that that song doesn't count because it was too long ago, that no one knows it. Probably so. But the quality stands up so well. Still amazes me.
  15. This persuasive thing has got me thinking that this may be my way to go. Is it legal? It's a possibility I hadn't even thought about. ---------------------- But, to me, three words--guts, my meat, and rotting--are somewhat foul for a song, and detract from this one's otherwise nobleness and eloquence--and will be listener-alienating. Others have given some great suggestions on this. For the chorus, I would throw out something like. . . Throw/set/place me in a hole Cover me with dirt Plant me like a seed Let me crumble/slumber/flourish/prosper/blossom/rekindle in the earth