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Ron99

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Ron99 last won the day on December 6 2017

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About Ron99

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    Inspirational Muse

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    EWeston99

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Tennessee

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyrics. Music someday.
  • Musical Influences?
    Dylan, Paul Simon, John Lennon

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  1. Wishful Drinking

    A drunken slob song. Pros and cons. Drinking: Got that covered. Wishful: Also well covered, the idea being wishful thinking, which is that his life isn't as bad as it actually is, presumably for some reason other than the drinking itself, although who knows? Presumably bad things happened and drove him to this. Or maybe he's constitutionally depressive. And there is indeed wishful thinking. If I'm ugly and I get a cool haircut that let's me imagine that I'm good-looking, that's wishful thinking. If my life has been rotten and I tell myself it's actually OK ("My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems") for certain reasons (women look better, my pickup still works, my house ain't a pigstye, I got acquaintances, and I could work--all invalid reassurances), that is wishful thinking. And if I'm reinforcing my wishfulness by alcohol, that's 'wishful drinking.' A pearl. You do a great job with this theme, being impressively polished up by various members' input. When I saw the title, my first flash of a thought was that, wow, you had come up with a first-tier hook, every bit as good as "I've Got Friends in Low Places," and that it would probably be a song about lost love, perhaps about a soul who had been dumped and was going to wishfully sit drinking on that bar stool until his lover, upon realizing that he/she had run off with a scoundrel, came waltzing back through that barroom door, the place they had originally met. I guess it's too late for that, although such a scenario, to me, would be more relatable, since basically everyone has been dumped. But how many people want to just stay polluted? Or "slowly nosedive." Basically this is a song about someone who has chosen a way to reassure himself that his circumstances aren't so horrible. Once you get past the cleverness of the lyric, it may not be all that appealing. Still, nobody seemed to think that. It will probably pass because the listener will tell himself that this guy is just going through a stage. And the listener knows this guy is fooling himself. He knows it, too. So that makes me the fuddy duddy. Still, I would have gone for the lost love.
  2. Bring It to the River

    two little thoughts . . . Now the rock it rolled At the angel’s touch And the Good Lord walked talked? But He didn’t say much ...... And the message was, ‘Come, my children When you’re in despair Hurt and angry Burdened with care… in need of care? (not sure how you can be burdened with care. Burdened with the need to care for someone, maybe, or with need to be cared for?)
  3. Crystal Clear

    Thank you ghaw2007, a man of fine taste. I've made some changes in this lately. In regard to the following... You suggested that I drop the word overhead. My reasoning is that 1) overhead provided a rhyme with the word said in the sentence before it, and 2) the line needs six stresses to conform to the pattern (melody) of the other two verses. Anyway, thank you again.
  4. Leaning On A Lamppost ~ Under Revision

    Patty, No he never went in. Coming in and out would indeed be confusing! You make me think maybe..... Baby I'm a little wasted, Walking in the rain again Outside (close to?) the tavern where we used to go Girl I miss you so (With this, also, there would no longer be the went out walking vs came out walking question.) Maybe . . The bouncer keeps on glaring (grinning, grumbling, barking, staring) Telling me to step inside I pull back and politely tell him no Though I need you so The above two lines are from the bridge. You ask, "Did he lose out because someone else came along or because he took too long? Basically he took too long, which paved the way for someone else to come along. Why not? The second verse refers to "the fool that moved to slow." I don't think there is a lot of new information in the bridge. In our short version, we drop it. Maybe that would even make it clearer. Thank you for the abundant help as always.
  5. Naked Santa

    While swimming in the ocean a riptide took my trunks And with that soon a legend grew I’m embarrassed to debunk The beach was packed with people I didn’t / couldn't see my towel When I made a run for it the kids began to howl Naked Santa naked Santa He forgot his clothes Naked Santa naked Santa Look how fast he goes I’ve got a beard and white hair my waist has gotten wide There is a slight resemblance I share this fact with pride I headed toward my cottage and grabbed a boogie board To demonstrate? implement? try and hide my modesty but I stopped at my front door Naked Santa naked Santa Rudolph must be near Naked Santa naked Santa Look for a reindeer I don't think this line will work because 1) it doesn't say much, and 2) you would have to unnaturally say reindeer And thats the last I saw them I found my old spare key I went inside, put on my clothes, and had a cup of tea [I like that one] So Santa is a nudist or so the legend goes When he gets to the tropics he doesn’t wear no clothes Naked Santa naked Santa I still hear them sing Naked Santa naked Santa Say Santa what’d ya bring? [not a necessary chorus, doesn't add anything] Naked Santa naked Santa It always makes me grin How about--- When I think of naked Santa I always have to grin or the thought of Naked Santa always makes me grin Is this chorus not a piece of advice to himself ? Naked Santa naked Santa Wears [wear] suspenders ... when you swim [he's talking to himself, isn't he?]
  6. My car might not start.

    V V C V V C My Car Might Not Start Reminds me of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, only it's a list of ways to avoid a suitor, a list of phony excuses. Being courted, perhaps somewhat persistently, by someone toward whom you have no interest is nicely chosen angle and would surely be universally understood. What to say?! It's part of the glue of society that we not hurt each other's feelings. This lyric would hurt someone's feelings but not in this instance because it isn't aimed at anyone real and because it's expressed comically. The meter is almost a limerick, which lends itself to humor. V1 I can’t come out to your house ‘cos my car might not start I took it to a guy and he ordered a part He'll send me a text on the Tuesday after next But I cant come out to your house as my car may not start [good beginning statement of the case] V I’d love to have a picnic but I’m busy that week My workload's a monster. My boss is a freak. I’m up against a cutoff And I’ll have to turn my phone off A picnic sounds intriguing but I’m busy that week C I’m sure you’re nice and a wonderful person. I hope your life is as good as can be. I hope you find just the perfect companion [I'm sure you'll encounter the perfect companion?] But I’m pretty sure it’s not me. [Wonderfully succinct, probably the real title] V I can’t go to the movies ‘cos my Doctor said so doctor It’s a serious condition that I’m sure you don’t know I’m screaming like an air horn When I get close to popcorn [that's a stretch to me] A movie wouldn’t work because my Doctor said so.
  7. All These Freak'n Emails

    Patty, My first thoughts on this weren't very helpful. I will take a second shot. Oh, No! Another email! (From that) unrelenting female Who keeps maxing out my inbox with her spam. For a while I waded through them, But it took too long to view them Till at last I didn't really give a damn Instr. [I'm sure you have a reason for an instrumental so soon] V2 She seemed OK at first And then the bubble burst (As she) abandoned her reluctant point of view. (Now she) labors through the day As she pecks her life away Apparently with nothing else to do. Chorus (good that this has different meter) I used to like to hear from her But she’s turned herself into a pest I don’t need the details (getting rid of one of two alls) In all these freak’n emails (hilarious high point) Seems like she could give this thing a rest. I also thought of (but don't know where to put): My computer's growing sluggish Trying to process all this rubbish as it's sorting through
  8. All These Freak'n Emails

    First thoughts: Very well crafted and a lot of fun. You should (for more impact) try a version in 2nd person singular: “I wish that you would give it a rest,” etc. You would have to rewrite the beginning: Eg., You’re such a pushy female (To send) yet another email _______ You suffer an affliction ? ____ But you’re just becoming such a pest? ____
  9. I GOT NO NAME

    Paul; Gracias. Peko; Thank you for the input, which took some effort. Agree with 90% of suggestions. James; Agree and will implement.
  10. I GOT NO NAME

    I GOT NO NAME v v ch v v v ch v V1 What name for me might a person assign? I offer you a difficult quiz. How can it be that I never could find A word for a thing that is? V2 Why didn't they originate a name for me? Is the universe running a scam? I feel like a freak when the language I speak Doesn’t tell me what it is I am. chorus I ain't no… Atheist, animist, nihilist, dualist, Dogmatist, evangelist, Calvinist, or Methodist. You can stare and compare ‘til you finally despair, But I won't be there. V3 I can feel the presence of an infinite force Reminding me I gotta be strong. And I believe there’s a plan and everything’s on course And I could even help it along. V4 I’m like a pebble on the beach, just one small grain. How many are there under the sun? Anonymous grains that possess no names. Together we would weigh a ton. V5 Maybe we too could inhabit a space, Some site we decided upon-- Some little home base, some holy place, Like a shrine or pantheon. chorus And we wouldn't be… Atheists, animists, nihilists, dualists, Dogmatists, evangelists, Calvinists, or Methodists. V6 We could sit down around a big old flame, Coming up with a name. Put it on a list, and we wouldn't despair Because we'd be there.
  11. Verse One Some people never wonder But me, I gotta know Why’s the sky that perfect blue? What makes the night wind blow? Where do dreams go when they die? What sets a heart aglow? These wonderings do seem better, although the others were getting pretty good. __________________________________________ Verse 2 The way you split without a word Still gets to me today torments me? troubles me ?? ------------------------------ I’d like to know your reasons For treating me this way To me, I'd like to know your reasons seems a bit too declarative and matter of fact and emotionally uninvested and unforceful. How about What could have been your motive for treating me this way? or What could I have done for you to something-or-other me this way or What was it that I did to make you slip away etc __________________ verse 3 Whatever life threw at us I thought we’d work it out It had to matter quite a bit For you to take that route vs Somethin’ big musta bothered you For such a turnabout I like the turnabout couplet a lot better, maybe with out the word big _______________ Chorus, 2nd half Tell me why you went away I can’t believe we’re through Tell me why you left me, Love ‘cause I don’t have a clue vs So tell me why you left me, Babe Why’d you have to go? I need to have an answer (Love?) It kills me not to know These are equally good to me ________________________________________________ bridge I can’t help but wonder Why you and I went under Great couplet, but a bridge is supposed to add something different and you already have verses and choruses making this same point
  12. Sorry if obscure. I like your Q's and your verses. It's a strong song. It had gotten polished into a lustrous thing. I hope you don't impose a setback on yourself.
  13. Peko: It's so good that you have a statement for yourself about what your message is, to hold you on track. "The POV has curiosity about a lot of things, but this one thing in particular is driving him crazy." --which is "why you had to go." Or is it why you won't tell me why you had to go? Double mystery, which is fine because it's almost the same thing and it's still easy to understand. Your material is always very clear. A guy driving down the street hearing one of your songs on the radio is not going to change stations because of its obscureness. (Indeed, obscure lyrics don't so much find their way to the radio.) You don't present dense verbal mysteries to be solved. A lot of material on this site I have to read five times to (maybe) get the point. Some people do enjoy that. Question of audience. For myself, why not let the basic idea of what a song has to say be clear the first time through, and then let subtleties be appreciated next time(s). _________________________________________________________ V1 Some people never wonder But me, I gotta know How to pack a parachute Or carve a cameo Who benefits from bitcoins? What dog won Best in Show? What breed won Best in Show?---Is this too hard to sing? This line probably flows gracefully enough. And its meter is great. But I wouldn't say it qualifies as an item from a list of things you wonder about, or never got around to understanding. (Which Paul called universal curiosities) (Which then form an enjoyable contrast with the punch line--the singer's real very specific question.) How about: Why do chorals glow? And don't forget from James: How do they make snow? (Which I would vote for over cameo-carving, which is fine but which isn't something I ever wondered about.) _________________________________________________________ The way you up and left me Still gets to me today I have a million questions ‘bout why you went away Mostly what I wonder Is why you wouldn’t say! I still don’t know your reasons I need you to explain The last two lines of this verse hit me as redundant. They recapitulate the preceding four lines, not to mention the last four lines of the chorus and the last two lines of the third verse. So they actually take the steam out of the chorus. That was my point. I read somewhere that you should get hit with the big point in the chorus, and the verses should build up to, or pave the way, for that. So I threw out something that I thought would add a touch of variety in a verse. _____________________________________________________ It's fun to watch lyrics evolve on this site. (There's too many to comment on all of them.) It's like having a car detailed, watching one spot after another being removed, till something shiny emerges. (That's not a good analogy, because you have to replace each of those spots with some kind of smooth 'non-spot.') This lyric here has evolved quite wonderfully. It snaps, and its smooth. I think its only remaining possible flaw is that it lacks a little variety. It mostly just elaborates. Of course a lot of songs just do that. Song Form: V Ch V CH V CH Outro Thrust of each section . . . Verse 1: Why'd you have to go? Chorus: Tell me why you left me Verse 2: Why did you go away? Chorus: Tell me why you left me Verse 3: Why did you want out? Chorus: Tell me why you left me Outro: Tell my why you left Another thing I read is that a song is, in one sense or another, supposed to go someplace. To have a vector of some kind (not necessarily chronological). Yours actually does. I was exaggerating. Verse 1: You left me and it was a surprise. Verse 2: You can't or won't put your reason into words. Why must it be painful AND a mystery? Verse 3: Something quite specific must have gotten to you
  14. RE: last two lines... Did I blunder with a thoughtlessness commit an impropriety hurt you with a mindlessness that words cannot convey?
  15. Ignorance and Arrogance

    This is up there with your best, Paul. Here are some suggestions/possibilities/thoughts, mostly about meter (assuming 4 stresses per line), which is a dangerous place to go, but no harm . . . Ignorance muttered and stared at the ground "Everyone laughs at me like I'm a clown" By the end of their stroll they had mutually agreed they had jointly agreed ? At the end of their stroll they politely / astutely / shrewdly / slyly agreed ? A partnership was the best way to proceed A part tner ship was the way to proceed ? _________________ Disguising the fact that he already knew He asked his dull partner "What's this thing do?" But Ignorance being not versed in such things But Ignorance not being versed in such things Suggested that Arrogance press it and see... _________________ The planet lay barren and blackened and soiled As clouds from the blast wrapped its surface like wool And Time waited patiently our next attempt And Time then awaited our next attempt ? To crawl from the shallows and try once again
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