Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 

 

This message will be removed once you have signed in.

Joey M

Members
  • Content count

    380
  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won

    1

Joey M last won the day on February 18

Joey M had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

3 Neutral

About Joey M

  • Rank
    Inspirational Muse
  • Birthday June 14

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Virginia USA
  • Interests
    Composing music (all genera), songwriting, art and ceramic arts

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Music & Lyrics
  • Musical Influences?
    Country, Pop and Jazz

Recent Profile Visitors

2,875 profile views
  1. Thanks so much Emily. I appreciate your kind words. And you pointed out a real weakness in Verse 2 that has led to a revision I like much better. Maybe you'll catch this song when I post my recording.
  2. Emily, I hope you can glean an idea or two out of my fooling around with your lyric. Just trying to shake things up a little. It's a nice song with a clear simple message. PS: Thanks for commenting on my song. Your message led me to a great revision in my Verse 2. Joey
  3. Thanks Bob. Yea, I think you're right on every point. I originated this song when I was just beginning to write lyrics years ago, and I've been stuck in a rut as I've tried to complete it. Maybe I'll try to empty the cache in my brain on this.......then in some inspired moment try to get this on the right track. I have music I like and and a nice hook. And that's more than I usually have to start with. I appreciate your great advice......should've realized it myself. Always a pleasure and so beneficial hearing from you. Joey
  4. Hi J.W. I think you have some nice imagery, but just a rough outline of a song. This is a bit confusing to me at this stage. The chorus, in particular, needs allot of work, and the hook is not well explained, or doesn't hold my interest because it's not well anchored in the chorus. The end of the song seems to be several verses in a row without a chorus repeating. I'm seeing Verse, Chorus,Verse, Chorus, Verse, Verse, a single line that may be a lift and then an outro or ending. It might help if you label the parts. But I think it needs a chorus closer to the end. If I understand your story, he's in love with a singer, Georgia, whom he works with (or worked with), and his wife comes to realized it....she's let him go at the end. Forgive me if I have it all wrong. But if I'm right, that's not a bad idea for a song if you can clarify things a little more and tighten up the lyric. I'm sure this sort of thing happens. If you can get the lyric organized better, the listener might start to sympathize with the singer and his wife as well.....and Georgia for that matter. At this point it is not quite hitting home for me at an emotional level or at a universal level. You have allot of lengthy lines, thoughts and images to work with as you move forward. I would consider moving to first person. It pulls the listener in. I'll mess with your first verse a little just to give you a few ideas of how to tighten it up....but there are allot of possible wordings you could try. Strumming my guitar near a broken window pane Tryin' to match the rhythm of the gently falling rain Georgie takes my hand, softly humming as we sway Then my wife walks in the room, and Georgie pulls away I chose "pulls away" rather than "goes away" because it is more descriptive and in the moment, less abstract too....... describes Georgia's immediate reaction when she's gotten a little too chummy with the husband. But, of course, it's your song and you should consider all the possibilities for wording and ideas. I think your verses hold up better than the chorus. But I would try working with them to make them a little more interesting and have more impact. I don't want to be discouraging because this is not a bad first draft....it just needs a little more pizzazz which should develop with each rewrite. There is a story here, some nice images, some nice lines that may need shortening. And I think there may be a few throwaways that need something better. This just needs further developing to pull it into focus and make the hook more relevant. Now about the chorus: I don't much care for your hook/title. I think you could find something much better for this story. Maybe one that has Georgia in it....."Georgia's Perfume Linger"s or something along these lines. Also, Georgia is not real well developed as a character...she's kinda in the shadows. If your Title/Hook is When he's lonely, you might need to better explain what happens when he's lonely.....explain it in the chorus rather than the verses. I realize you're saying that "it's hard to let his wife near" when he's lonely for Georgia. But it doesn't come across very well to me. In particular, it's hard to distinguish the characters with so many pronouns. You might add "Georgia" and "his wife". In this sketchy example I'm also going to move to first person. I'm so lonely, oh so lonely Sitting strumming my guitar I keep trying, but I'm dying Inside, cus it's just too hard Pretending I still care While Georgia's perfume Lingers in the air I'm not saying this is what you're after......just giving you something to think about as you move forward. One of the biggest weaknesses in your chorus is the lack of a strong rhyme pattern. You've chosen an interesting scenario for the story, and I think you're off to a good start. Keep working on this..... and you'll have yourself a song. Hope this is helpful in some small way. Joey
  5. I just read Paul's "Kindred Souls" and loved it.....partly because, in addition to a great hook, Paul's song isn't at all preachy. I've been working on this song I posted a few weeks ago, trying to get the preachy out of it as much as possible. My last revision received mixed reviews. I have music already that I worked hard on and like allot. I got the word "love" out of the lyric as much as I could and made revisions to the chorus since I first posted this. I'm really not a preacher.....just a songwriter struggling to get a lyric working with some music I've written. But if this doesn't fly, it's going in the circular file, and I won't pester you with it anymore. Shadow Of Our Guns Love is such a powerful thing It can build bridges, make wedding bells ring Maybe love will come and show me the way To the world I believe in before it's too late Lift The clock is ticking away And the danger grows every day Ch There's no place to hide From bombs in the darkness Fire in the sky There's no place to run And we can't find love In the shadow of our guns Walls will crumble, families are doomed Prayers go unanswered in the temple of the truth Fathers plead while old men tremble in fear Mothers grieve, and children run out of tears Lift Ch Br There must be a way To touch peoples' hearts Pave the road to freedom And heal all our scars Ch Instrumental Out Copyright 2017 ~ J. W. McMichael
  6. Hi Paul, I like the simple straight forward message and the repetition of "kindred"....such a great word that sums up the connection all well intended souls share, as well as brotherhood and sisterhood (kin). As usual you have allot of feedback. I don't have anything to add but that I like it, and for me it works just fine the way you have it. Hope to hear a recording. Nice one.
  7. Hey Gary. Been away from the site allot lately and found this way down the list tonight. Took one look at it and just had to comment. Love it. It's gonna be great with Tee's touch. The Country market should greet this with open arms.......especially in the states where it's legal, ha. Always good when you can remember the whole chorus after the first reading. It's fun and it's a grabber. Can't wait to hear it.
  8. Hey Paul, I spent allot of time on the music, and wanted the lyric just right. If you check out my revisions, you'll see that I used each one of your suggestions. They really did the trick for this song!!! I'm eternally grateful for your contributions to so many of my songs. I am hoping to record this one and post it soon as possible.
  9. Thanks folks. I've made a few revisions....especially to move away from the cliches. And I've posted a few comments on the lyric page.
  10. Hi folks. As usual, I have already written music and melody for this. Any suggestions or feedback from you fine writers would be most appreciated. Thanks Musical key, Mike and Real Rush. I think I can get away from the cliches that were in the first draft. I've made a few revisions that I think might help if you folks happen to check back in on this. Mike, I'm going to stick with the bad English "don't the moon" since it feels and sounds right when I sing it.....probably because of the two consonants (D's) in "Darling" and "Don't".....and I need a single syllable word. And Paul. I think your suggestions put the icing on the cake. Thank you so much. Nostalgic State Of Mind You're the only one Picked me up when I fell down And you always wore a smile Even when bad news came around You filled my life with memories All I'll ever need More than all the stars on a clear Summer night Chorus Now my journey's almost over Soon I'll knock on Heaven's door So much left to do, but I'm running out of time But Darling don't the moon seem closer Than it's ever been before In this nostalgic state of mind You've been there for me In the depths of my despair When I find myself in need You're the only one who cares You always bring the sunshine When storm clouds gather 'round You're the daffodils that soak up all my tears (Repeat Chorus) Bridge Two hearts made for one another Like the moon and stars Lovers growing old together That's who we are Lift That's who we are (Repeat Chorus) Out You're the only one Picked me up when I fell down And you always wore a smile Even when bad news came around Copyright 2017 ~ J. W. McMichael
  11. Hi Mike. I really like this. I can see it's still a little rough around the edges....but it's pretty darn tight for a starter. I can hear the hard hitting cadence, that's for sure. This has everything going for it...timely, universal and powerful. I particularly like the way the second half of the chorus is hitting on the question: are they walled out or are you walled in. I think Ch line 4, "how much can you endure" doesn't quite do it.....cus it's kind of an abstract question. There must be something better that matches the impact of the last 4 lines of the Ch. Just a thought: maybe get the racist/fascist idea going. I think this might hit harder. It’s your wall To keep you pure? Isolation Do you feel secure? It’s a barrier Between you and me It’s your wall (But) do you feel free? Just trying to give you an idea. Great job mike!
  12. I'm in the process of recording this song. Some of you were a big help with the lyric. But it still needed some work. I'm particularly concerned about my new Pre-Chorus 2. But if you have any other comments, I'd be most grateful. It Won't Be love Verse 1 She's dancing solo looking hot tonight And the crowd is keeping time Must have a thousand moves, she knows what men like 'N I've got something on my mind Pre-Chorus 1 Stepping down from the stage She moves to my side Chorus 1 I said I need somebody to hold on this bleak and lonely night Someone to cling to in a world grown cold Then I'll be gone, long out of sight I know it won't be love, call it passion if you want Just two strangers tangled in the dark When morning comes and our eyes meet in the sun Sweetheart, I'm sure it won't be love Verse 2 She wonders if I've been there before Never saw me in the crowd Said she felt something when I walked thru the door Looking so handsome and so proud Pre-Chorus 2 She straddles my knee Wraps her arms 'round my neck Chorus 2 I said I once had a woman like you Just getting by on my own I get so lonesome didn't know what else to do Not the same since she's been gone I know it won't be love, call it passion if you want Just two strangers tangled in the dark When morning comes and our eyes meet in the sun Sweetheart, I'm sure it won't be love When morning comes and our eyes meet in the sun I guarantee it won't be love Copyright 2017 ~ J. W. McMichael
  13. Hi Emily. I immediately thought of Carley Simon's "Anticipation"....just because it's one of those neat 5 syllable hooks that, in and of themselves, make a complete line in a chorus. I love the bridge in your song! I think you are intending the following as your pre-chorus: Now I’m gonna hurt tonight Only you can make it right Now I’m gonna hurt tonight Only you can make it right If so, you might consider just a two line lift: Now I'm gonna hurt tonight Only you can make it right Then get right into the chorus. You might consider changing up the last line in V2 to make it different from V1. Just an example: A pretty face and tight jeans Slender arms and blue eyes Just too hard to overcome I'm just playing around with you chorus a little, cus what you have is pretty darn nice. IN-FA-TU-A-TION Keeping me awake IN-FA-TU-A-TION Driving a stake Through my heart IN-FA-TU-A-TION What will it take IN-FA-TU-A-TION To satisfy this ache That's tearing me apart It's tearing me apart Tearing me apart Even though I've heard this theme many times.....I never get tired of it if the music is right. I'm an early reviewer, and others may disagree, but I think this is a neat song with emotional impact that's easy to relate to and simple to grasp. Even though it's a downer subject, and very personal, you've made it universal and fun. I like it. Joey
  14. Thanks everyone. Wow, I love it when I get so much help. I was going to scrap this one, but now I'm starting to see some possibility for development. I probably shouldn't be writing new songs, especially ones that need so much development, when I already have so many that need recording. But I like this side of the forum. The music composition comes so much more easily than the lyric....at least for me. So this is where I do so much of my learning......from folks who can really write. Hi Mike, Yes. It is a bit of a mess right now. Gonna be a hard one I think. Thanks Bob, I should've seen the change in the hook. And, oh boy, do I hate it when I have to come up with a new chorus. But that's probably what this needs....a real chorus. Nice to hear from you Gary, I think you're right, and if I get rid of the Major 7th's in this it just might do the trick to change to country. I was sensing a misfit. I think I'll go in that direction and try to develop the story more. Also, you may be right about a shift to first person. Always a pleasure, and so beneficial, to get your input. Thanks for checking this out, 14music, It's got a long way to go...that's for sure. And I have allot of good guidance. Probably going to shift the style to a country thing and that may affect the meter in a good way. Hopefully, when I revise this song it will start to take shape. I do need to come up with a better chorus.
  15. I've got the music already, and this is my first attempt at a lyric that fits the preexisting melody. It's in the pop genera....not country. A Place Of Her Own 1 He's got the perfect car She's got the perfect hair Both have family scars, and there's no doubt about it They make the perfect pair PC1 Her daddy works hard to cover her bills But he tells her she needs a plan His dad says he has to move out Time to grow up and learn to be a man Ch She don't know what she wants to be And he's been out of school so long All their dreams seem too hard to reach When she just wants a place of her own 2 She says let's make our move He says he's tried before He ran out of food, and electric's expensive She doesn't know the score PC2 Now she commutes to Community School For two years, but it doesn't pay He's hired on at the auto parts store Soon he'll get bored, and he'll never stay Ch Br Some lonely night she'll stare up at the moon Make a wish on her lucky star Hanging out in her little room Wondering how they'll ever get far Ch Out He's got the perfect car She's got the perfect hair