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HoboSage last won the day on November 3

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About HoboSage

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    A Muse's Muse

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  1. Solid Evidence

    "His agents race . . . to cap/plug the spout."
  2. "Superkettle" / "Ten and Out"

    I take "Superkettle" to be like the stage name of the metaphorical pro wrestler, or even better for me, a reference to the pressure-cooker of the metaphorical wrestling ring/arena itself, and "curtain jerker" is well-entrenched in the lexicon as a pro wrestling reference. So, I would use "grappler" instead of "slugger," because for me, "slugger" is more commonly a boxing (or baseball) reference. It's also more common to express that we grapple with our problems, than slug it out with them. I'll add that "curtain jerker" is typically written as two separate words. If you really want to expressly reference yourself here, then maybe capitalize the one word "Curtianjerker" like you do for your artist name. Personally, I think the more subtle self-reference using "curtain jerker" would be cooler. My only issue with Ten and Out is the shift from the first verse's "me" to the "her" of the chorus. Since the chorus closes with a "we" reference, maybe change "her carcass" to the plural of "carcasses." Good Stuff. David P.S. I just realized that "ten and out" is also a boxing reference. While "curtain jerker" might be used to describe the first one out in the first boxing match on a card too, it is much more entrenched in the lexicon as a pro wrestling term. Pro wrestling is entertainment all about "the show," and the curtain jerker" is suppose to amp up the crowd. Boxiing, UFC, etc., are serious sports, and their under-card bouts are serious too. I dunno. I guess I'm just so familiar with "curtain jerker" as a pro wrestling reference it's hard for me to apply it in another sports-related context. So . . . never mind! LOL Sometimes I think I think too much, or at least I think so, sometimes.
  3. Can't Do This Anymore

    I know you say the song's "finished," but, FWIW . . . . George did fix the mic sound at the end of the song and added some leads that work pretty well, but what did he do to the drums? Now they start out with a full kit with an overly-healthy dose of reverb and a snare oddly panned conspicuously to the right, and then another, drier-sounding kit with more u- front toms and a more up-front snare conspicuously panned a ways to the left come in andadd to the other kit. Maybe he's thinking a band with two drummers playing live or something, but to me, it just sounds really weird, and it's distracting. But, that's just me. P.S. FWIW, given the structure of the musical arrangement, I don't think the third verse would fit in well and would cause to song to sound like it drags on unnaturally. After the bridge, the musical structure dictates that the song wants to start winding up with a final chorus, etc., and to reset the song with yet another verse at that point would hurt the whole vibe. And, I don't think another verse would fit in well before the bridge either. So, I'm with George in making the call to cut the third verse given this music. In my opinion, the lyric has to give way when, as is, it can't be reconciled with a musical structure that's working well for the song. As I hear things, with this music, the only way you might be able to get the third verse lyric in this without hurting the song, would be to change the chord progression of the bridge to something new so it doesn't sound like an instrumental verse with lead line, and then cut the lead guitars and sing the third verse lyric in the bridge.
  4. Exhale

    I agree with SongWolfe that "But I cannot live in this constant withdrawal addiction" is too clunky/too wordy. I'll add that, given what I perceive to be the theme and metaphor, it doesn't make sense to me in context to say you're in a constant withdrawal, or addicted to withdrawal. It seems to me that, metaphorically, you need to avoid withdrawal from your addiction to her. Anyway, FWIW, I think this would sing better, and make more sense: It's all a score and overdose Better that than withdrawal addiction Or, alternatively, maybe something like: Until death becomes life's condition Regardless, I think that line should be shortened. FWIW, I also think the chorus should start with a straightforward declaration of "This is not the life I want to lead" instead of starting it with "'Cause" as shorthand for "because," for that implies not wanting to live this kind of life is the cause of the previously expressed metaphorical addiction, when it's actually the other way around.
  5. October Song Contest - RESULTS!

    The only reason I was within "a hair" is because Clint gave my song an overly- generous score (he told me so), and for reasons I can't fathom someone scored his song with the outlier of 4.0? Hmm. Scoring change suggestion: Throw out the high score and low score. Kudos to all, and thanks to Paul for running the show! Thanks also to Patty and Graybeard as non-contestant judges. David
  6. Darker Than Black

    Why doors? Doesn't make sense to me. It's only the place on the other side after walking through a door that would matter, not the metaphorical door itself. I think "there are places" would be better, and "there's a color" (to imply a mood/state of mind) would be best of all. Just my opinion.
  7. Are We Free (new idea)

    "We can be" . . . what? Free? Can't be that, because "we are free." I think you want the first line to track with the title - the question: "Are we free," to which "we can be" would be the response. FWIW, I also think it would be more sensible and straightforward if you switched the order of the third and fourth lines to "It isn't what it seemed . . . Was it just a dream?" I'm not sure using the past tense is right though either, and that "It isn't what it seems . . . Is it just a dream?" might be better. Musically and melodically, it doesn't really "go anywhere," but, I think it could be a cool chorus for a song. Just my opinions.
  8. Funeral of a war hero

    It's not "improper," but, it is also not typical/the norm. http://www.gettysburgflag.com/blog/history-lessons/wrapped-in-a-flag/ I'll add that in the rare cases where it is done, it seems to be done because the soldier had previously expressed his/her desire to be buried wrapped in the flag. Given that would express the soldier's total dedication to service, that would seem to me to be at odds with this lyric painting the soldier as a reluctant hero "who just wished to stay home."
  9. Funeral of a war hero

    As noted above, even though it's called the "burial flag," it is not typical to actually bury the flag, whether with the coffin or with the body. The flag is typically treated with respect. The flag drapes the soldier's coffin and is removed before the coffin is lowered into the ground, it's appropriately folded and then it's presented to the family as a keepsake. That's the typical procedure. As is, the burying of the flag and the improper reference to a body bag being used at the funeral comes across to me as a lyric which is misinformed regarding a typical military funeral. Just my opinion. However, given this is an anti-war song, I do think the lyric can probably be tweaked so that it somehow equates or correlates the burial flag given to the family with the body bag used previously - maybe an expression that upon being given the flag at the funeral it feels like being given a red, white and blue body bag - something like that. P.S. All of what I said assumes an American soldier.
  10. Funeral of a war hero

    Body bags are used to store and transport a corpse. This is a funeral back home, and the corpse is in a coffin being buried. There is no body bag at this point.
  11. November 1+1 Comp, now open for entries

    Outside The Box [November 1+1 Contest Entry, thanks for running the show, Joan] https://soundcloud.com/hobosage/outside-the-box11-1/s-1ojsW * The lyric is with the Soundcloud track.
  12. Can't Do This Anymore

    FWIW, I'll just weigh in on the arrangement and recording. To my ears, in sharp contrast to the fairly slick sound of the music bed, the vocals sound poorly performed and poorly recorded, and overall, very amateurish. There's even the conspicuous sound of rumbling as the vocal mic is turned off at the end of the song, and there's really no excuse for that. In my opinion, the arrangement is also aching for a lead guitar line in the instrumental section following the bridge. I think if you can get the vocals sung well (and I think this singer can probably do it) and nicely recorded and mixed well with the music bed, and if you can also get someone to add some tasty lead guitar licks to the instrumental section following the bridge and mix that well too, the overall presentation of this song would be vastly improved from how it is now, and be a pitch-worthy presentation you could be proud of without excuses.
  13. Flotsam & Jetsam

    Another solid tune. I dig the flotsam and jetsam reference in this, but I think The Moon Can't Tell Me Why would be a cooler title. P.S. I'm really liking the stuff you're doing now with bandmates - some really good musicianship being displayed all around.
  14. RED

    I agree with the notion that you have some extraneous words here and there that, if cut, would likely improve the lyric - like, the many instances of "and" you have. Other than that, I think this is a powerful and well-written lyric, and I think zillions of people can relate to it. I know I can, and I think anyone who is going through or who has gone through at least part of their life with bad acne, psoriasis, eczema and other skin conditions, or even with some type of conspicuous physical deformity, can relate to this. In essence, this perspective expressing one's self-hatred because they think they are "ugly," is that of the Beast in Beauty And The Beast, and the Hunchback, Quasimodo. And, singing a first-person lyric about how your life sucks, regardless of the the music, is also well-established in songwriting - it's called "the blues," and that's something zillions of others can relate to as well. Keep writing songs that express what you think and feel. Full disclosure though, I'm biased, because those are the type of songs I tend to write, and I'd rather hear and I would more relate to songs expressing one's mind and soul than some made-up story that expresses neither. David
  15. Variation in song

    Bohemian Rhapsody? We, the general public, like all kinds of songs, and we don't really determine what songs become "hits." We really only determine what songs become hits within the very shallow pool of songs music industry dolts promote and spoon-feed us.