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HoboSage last won the day on April 17

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About HoboSage

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  1. I agree with Chaz that the word "daredevil" sounds awkward, and I think it sounds that ways because "daredevil" needs an emphasis on "dare" to sound natural, and you can't sing "daredevil" with that needed emphasis because of how quickly you sing it. You don't need to change the lyric at all to fix that problem though. I think you just need to sing the first line of the chorus differently to give yourself more time. That first progression in the chorus is Am,C,G,D - but you sing the whole first line before you even get to G. If you stretch out singing "I'm a flying daredevil" before G, pause, and then sing "in the sky" as you transition to D, you can really emphasize "daredevil." Something like this: Juat an alternative to consider. I know I play it faster and a bit country-fied - with those chords I couldn't resist. But, my main aim was to demonstrate how singing the first line with this different timing can allow you to sing "daredevil" with the needed emphasis.
  2. It's okay. I'm used to it, Even my dog ignores me.
  3. I know with changes in the arrangement/sounds you can go a long way towards distinguishing the sound and vibe of the chorus from the preceding pre-chorus more so than is evident now. But, given the fairly rapid-fire vocal delivery throughout the song, I think structure-wise, the song could really use at least a four count between the end of the pre-chorus and the start of the chorus when you are not singing to better setup and launch the chorus. I'm not saying come to a dead stop, though that's one option going into one chorus. But, just hold the final note of the pre-chorus, or let the music - even just a drum fill - take over for a four-count before the chorus starts. Anyway, just my opinion.
  4. I think mix sounds great up until the drums and bass come in. The drums are not loud enough, and the bass isn't "dry" enough. Do you have reverb or something on the bass? It sounds a little boomy and competing too much with the lower frequencies from the orchestral sounds. But, if the bass was "dry" and dead center, I think it would cut through pretty nicely at this db level. But . . . ya gotta raise the level of the drums! Just my opinions.
  5. It's difficult to be all that objective about the vocal melody, because, quite frankly, your singing is so consistently off key - sorry, but it is. But anyway, one thing that did kind of strike me as perhaps more objectively problematic was the prosody of the singing. It sounds to me like the way you sing the lyric is very unnaturally drawn out, and I think that may be because there aren't enough words/syllables per line to get a more naturally-sounding rhythm to the vocal delivery. If you can sing this so it sounds more natural and sing it on key, I think the notes sung might be a pretty good ones for this guitar accompaniment. Just my opinion.
  6. Not bad. But, if I ever tell it, I'll use "Dix" instead of "Peters." That would sound more contemporary.
  7. Channel that angerTry not to feel sad It seems to me that a person with the mindset this is speaking to is not running any risk of feeling sad about anything. Perhaps, "no need/cause to feel bad" - as in, mockingly saying they have no reason to feel guilty - would be a better choice. Everybody needs a punching bag To deflect from themselves in a game of tag Mixing a punching bag with a game of tag doesn't bother me, it's the explicit reference to it being a game that does - makes it all seem less serious than it is. I might use something like "so you're not 'It,' and don't get tagged." Blame someone else for your worries and woes Escape in a feeling no one can oppose A feeling no one can oppose? That seems wholly inconsistent with the theme. I'll suggest using "escape in a feeling you don't/can't/won't oppose," instead.
  8. I can imagine the section you have currently labeled as a pre-chorus actually being the second half of an opening double-verse. But, if you truly intend that the music in that section will be a pre-chorus, in my opinion, to just have one pre-chorus and then have none after the next verse and before the next chorus, or to not otherwise repeat that pre-chorus music anywhere else in the song, would likely end up sounding weird.
  9. I don't think describing the hills as bathed in orange is consistent with a red sky, because I think of orange and red as distinctly different colors. I also think it might be better to use another adjective other than "red" to describe the sails later on. You already use "crimson" elsewhere, so maybe for the sails and the hills red synonyms like "scarlet," "ruby," "ginger," "blood," etc., could work.
  10. I have no doubt that even back in the day when humanity was comprised of mongrel bands of hunter-gathers that those outside the band competing for territory, resources and mates were in some real sense considered to be "the enemy." But, I also have no doubt those were attitudes that were learned and passed on through enculturation, and were thus reflective of human nurturing, not human nature. With the exception of those suffering with serious psychopathy, I don't believe there is any evidence at all that we are compelled by our human nature to treat others badly, and I think such an assertion is an unjustifiably negative view of human nature. Just watch young kids meeting for the first time playing together - kids not yet old enough to have learned they must have issues with each other. It's a beautiful thing to behold.
  11. The first verse opens as if we're in the present moment while Bob is preaching, but then the lyric strangely turns to talking about "on Sundays" as if it's referring to Bob's preaching at some other time. In the first verse, the seventh and eighth lines end in rhymes, while in the other verses, it's the sixth and eighth lines that rhyme. In the chorus and what appears to be a bridge, you appear to rhyme "heaven" with itself, which is a very weak rhyme. The chorus assertions that we all have a church, etc., are just patently false.
  12. Whomever might sing this as is would be saying to me they're so shallow and/or immature that they equate having fun with love. Just my two cents.
  13. You might want to reconsider referring to the baby as an "it," which, in my opinion, you do by using "watching it." Maybe saying "hearing it" so that "it" clearly refers to the crying she hears and not the baby she sees would be better. On third thought, saying she was tired of either watching or hearing it makes her seem a bit insensitive. Maybe "but you seemed too tired to deal with it" triggering the protagonist to step up would be better yet.
  14. I agree with many of the above comments, and think this could be really cool with a little more focus. FWIW, I can hear an additional line in the chorus that I imagine would likely still work with music which might provide a little more focus. just remember, don't surrender to it money is a man-made thing odds short or long are never wrong - you are greed is a man-made need money is a man-made thing
  15. +1 I gently tossed a pebble Into the calm still lake And marveled at the rippling couldn't help but marvel Of At its vast and spreading wake This way, you'd also have a "pebble"/"marvel" near rhyme