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GaryHale

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GaryHale last won the day on January 1

GaryHale had the most liked content!

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About GaryHale

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    Inspirational Muse

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  1. Drink To Forget

    So here are my thoughts. The fact that you felt obligated to detail your rewrites as you struggled with this lyric doesn’t really factor in to what I perceive as a generously under-cooked lyric that retreats from breaking any new ground. The story of drinking to forget is certainly not new – I think we can all agree on that. I’m not clear as to what this lyric adds to the genre (whether it’s portrayed in rock, country or pop) that we haven’t come across before. The word “victimized” particularly stands out to me as being awkward in the context of a break-up song. Would it be beneficial to elaborate as to why you feel yourself to be the victim and to let us in on this? Do we need to know any specific details that relate to the relationship that might cause you to perceive yourself in this way? The breakdown, as I read this is: 1.- You’re in a bar, drinking because your lover is leaving you and you’re in a bad way, so you’re drinking your blues away. We don’t know why she’s leaving you or if she had a legit reason for her actions. 2.- The chorus tells us what we already know. You’re drinking to forget. 3.- You’re reminiscing, presumably still in the bar, about how much she meant to you and you’re feeling “victimized” whenever “someone” mentions her name. 4. – Repeat information without any new details or elaboration. This all reads very repetitive and static to me and doesn’t advance the story. There’s no sense of the individuals involved in this story or why they were important to one another or why this relationship ended. As a reader/listener you’re giving me very little information to hold my interest. And the hook – “Drinking to forget” – isn’t exactly something that wows me with its originality. If I’m missing something here I’d like to know. Perhaps you are counting on the music to drive this forward and flesh it out. However, as presented, I truly cannot imagine the struggles, time and effort that you have highlighted would warrant the lyric that you have presented.
  2. Travelin'

    No offense, but I'm not going to engage in a direct conversation with a poster on someone else's lyric other than the original poster. Hope you understand. Happy to respond by PM.
  3. Travelin'

    Not one of my favorites. I found it meandering, aimless and excruciatingly generic. We enter this lyric in the middle of a story. There is really no instigating or prime element that draws us in. I felt like I was just along for a long, endless ride with someone who doesn't know where he's going or why, and that didn't work for me. (And the "dropped my load" is a particularly bad choice of words... who reading this did not think of you taking a dump?!) And what are you "free" from? Do you think that is important to tell a listener? I'm sure a lot of people will compliment you on this lyric - I'm not one of them. You've written much stronger lyrics than this and that's what I'm comparing this to and why I'm being so direct in my comments. To me, this is a warm-up lyric for something better, stronger and more focused that is just around the corner.
  4. Donna, a wonderful lyric!
  5. Condemned to the Blues

    Hi Donna, I vote for scrap. Not up to your usual standards. Reads forced, overworked and awkward, at least to me. And yes, the prison metaphor does come off "overdone/convoluted and cheesy."
  6. What You Put In That Kiss

    Tee, I think this is a really great hook! Really like it. I think the lyric needs a little more to flesh it out so each verse isn’t repeating the same thing. Needs some progression in terms of moving it forward. Maybe a lead in verse – meeting, hanging out, dancing, whatever and then POW – that kiss that knocks you on your ass. And the bridge (really like the JD and Maybelline lines but maybe that could work in some other place) might be a good place to say something about how you’re never gonna stop wanting those kisses and you’re not gonna give them up and you’re in for the long haul… just a couple of quick thoughts.
  7. You Light A Fire

    Andy, thanks for checking out the lyric. Appreciate your comments but I think " you light" is actually more memorable, more immediate, stands out and has more impact than "you lit." The only way I would change it is at the point of a gun! I'm gonna take your other comments under consideration. Many thanks. Jonie, I love the word "fantastic." That always wins me over pretty quick. Also, I've changed the bridge, so no more naked skin. Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving some very thoughtful, insightful and kind comments.
  8. You Light A Fire

    Paul, Tyler, Kuya, Peko, I've considered all of your thoughts and suggestions and have begun the process of making some small but significant changes to this that I think will much improve it. As always, thank you for your time, kind words and thoughtful suggestions. When completed I'll more than likely be doing two versions, a duet and a solo.
  9. Your Precious Love

    Kuya, Clemo, Joe, Donna, Peko, Thanks a bunch for your feedback and suggestions on this. I'm going to work on this and make the necessary changes to tighten up and clarify. Greatly appreciate you all taking the time to listen and offer constructive feedback.
  10. Dem Blues / Those Blues

    Kuya, Both the - stopped and looked at me - lines feel like a missed opportunity to add something stronger or more memorable that can clarify the relationship." Stopped and looked at me" reads very static and doesn't convey much. Other than that, reads pretty good.
  11. Breathe Me Tonight (REV 4)

    I remember this lyric. It's quite a wonderful and memorable lyric. While I personally prefer caretaker, like Lazz I don't think it matters. In the bridge, is there a better word than "old" - old motel room - to evoke a stronger and more poignant feeling? And yes, I think the outro is unnecessary.
  12. Your Precious Love

    Yes. You are absolutely correct! And that has always been my concern about that verse. Excellent comments overall! Very good suggestions. Thanks, Donna.
  13. Your Precious Love

    Patty, thanks for stopping by. Would you kindly - time permitting - elaborate on the "difference" as you understand it and why that difference is significant. Yes, the bridge, with words like "grace" and "reborn" could easily be read as "religious." And yet I wonder, isn't every "love story" at its core a form of spiritual or religious awakening.
  14. Your Precious Love

    Your Precious Love ©2018 Gary Hale V I’ve walked the line of love in my life before Keeping my eyes straight ahead I never felt the touch I was longing for Never heard the words spoken I wanted said PC I was living lost in darkness Didn’t know if I would survive I felt so alone and helpless Then you came into my life Ch When my world stopped turning You gave it a spin When I was counted down and out You counted me in You gave me, yes, you gave me Your precious love V I never knew if I would find a love of my own Strong enough to lift me up higher I wished upon a star but there was nobody home To strike a spark or light a fire PC My life felt so small and empty Every hello turned to goodbye Sadness would always surround me Then you opened my eyes Ch When my world stopped turning You gave it a spin When I was counted down and out You counted me in You gave me, yes, you gave me Your precious love Br I’ve been reborn into happiness Now there’s nothing I can’t face Your love gives me strength to carry on I’ve been touched by your grace Ch When my world stopped turning You gave it a spin When I was counted down and out You counted me in You gave me, yes, you gave me Your precious love Repeat Chorus
  15. You Light A Fire

    Just a quick reply and I'll come back later and reply in greater detail to both of you. I did have the 2nd line as below but changed it to what it is now. We playin’ a dangerous game, we can’t pretend This sneakin' around every night's got to end But the taste of your kiss is too hard to resist Never thought I’d get turned upside down like this
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