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PaulCanuck

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Everything posted by PaulCanuck

  1. PaulCanuck

    Goodnight Texas, Goodnight Carolina

    Good stuff - 'nuff said
  2. PaulCanuck

    20 Years Ago

    I like this theme - always a great trigger into emotions - looking back to a previous time. I didn't care much for the B section though - I wanted it to focus on what you miss about "20 years ago" and include the hook. You set it up nicely to do that - but instead it talks about the present. My two cents CAD which isn't worth much these days Paul
  3. PaulCanuck

    Let the heavens rain on me

    Hi John Full disclosure - I gave this a 3.0 in the contest. Looking at your workshop version, I see it still has the nits that caused me to hold back a better score at the time: - firstly lyrics about the weather are time-wearied IMHO (though I have written a few myself ) - using the word "rain" in the verses dilutes its effect in the choruses - speaking of the chorus: - the word "heaven" is overused IMO and it's robbing attention from your hook. By the time we get to the hook, which is supposed to be a powerful message we will remember, heaven has been used in all sorts of ways, so the hook line seems tacked on the end. I would suggest not using rain or heaven until the hook line, and repeating the hook line itself more often - sth like: All of the above of course can be ignored at will. POST EDIT: Just realized this sounds too negative - I really liked how the verses flowed and the imagery there, and I love the title/hook There - now it's more like a worm sandwich critique. Paul
  4. PaulCanuck

    New Collaboration Contest: Emotional Impact

    Seeing this great line-up of musicians, I can participate as a lyricist
  5. PaulCanuck

    Man Bun

    Hehe - good one JOe ! Just two minor suggs: I think a lot of the "You"s could be left out e.g. And I think you could get away with: Now I want to hear it Paul
  6. PaulCanuck

    So what's new on the horizon for August?

    Murphster - you da man! Thanks for offering - go for it! Paul
  7. PaulCanuck

    Oh my...

    smokin' !!
  8. PaulCanuck

    It's All Gone

    Hey kuya I gave this a 2.5 It flows nicely and the repeating hook works well. I didn't cotton on to the fact that he was just telling people it was gone until the end. The first verses describe how he spent it - is that all lies as well? I guess I was left questioning - how much of the lyric was fact and how much was fiction I think I would have preferred the lie was revealed earlier - may sth like: Paul
  9. PaulCanuck

    Uber Love - updated 08/10/2018

    Thanks to kuya, AndyLef, Mike B, SongWolfe and Short Order Kook for the valuable feedback. So I added a bit more storyline as suggested (it's still not a happy ending though ) It's supposed to be a simple tale of unrequited love - and SOK I'm OK with a tinge of creepiness here ..and I'm hoping "riding in his Lyft" will make it more clear to the listener Uber Love This girl I know asks for me all the time (She sold her car and now she doesn't drive) I pull up to her place and she gets in And off we go again Off we go again.. Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love I'm in the driver's seat, she's in the back Sometimes along the way we'll have a chat I always take her where she wants to go I guess she'll never know How I love her so Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love I took her to a party Friday night I could hear the noisy party-ers inside And I worried: "Would she make it home OK?" Then I drove away Yes, I drove away.. Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love {br} Then one day she booked a ride But it wasn't on my shift Now I hear some other guy Has been giving her a lift Oh no! SHE'S RIDING IN HIS LYFT !! Uber love Uber love I picked her up I dropped her off The time we spent together Will be never quite enough 'Cause I've lost My Uber love The time we spent together Will be never quite enough Uber love My Uber love ***************** ORIGINAL VERSION ******************************** Uber Love This girl I know asks for me all the time (She sold her car and now she doesn't drive) I pull up to her place and she gets in And off we go again Off we go again.. Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love I'm in the driver's seat, she's in the back Sometimes along the way we'll have a chat I always take her where she wants to go I guess she'll never know How I love her so Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love I took her to a party Friday night I could hear the noisy party-ers inside And I worried: "Would she make it home OK?" Then I drove away Yes, I drove away.. Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love {br} And when she needs a ride I hope it's on my shift To keep some other guy From giving her a lift Oh no! SHE DOESN'T WANT A LYFT !! Uber love Uber love I pick her up I drop her off The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love The time we spend together Is never quite enough Uber love My Uber love
  10. PaulCanuck

    Uber Love - updated 08/10/2018

    Thanks guys for the feedback and encouragement I posted a new version in the OP.
  11. PaulCanuck

    The Meanest Man of All

    Just to continue my rant - I thought this was freakin' awesome from start to finish. One of those songs that takes me on a journey and I forget I'm supposed to find flaws. Great job you two - you were robbed of 1st place IMHO!
  12. PaulCanuck

    This Godforsaken Place

    Hey Billy (and welcome back ) I like this - I can feel the guy's predicament - so the imagery/story works for me. I agree with RRJ though - it is a bit wordy. I think you can give it a haircut without losing focus. For example: Also, maybe the last verse could reflect his present location (America) KOS of course Paul
  13. PaulCanuck

    July song competition

    My cryptic notes - hoping to not offend anyone : Life is a Fleeting Thing Appreciate the kind words on this one. I wrote the music first so nice to hear the lyrics went over OK. Kinda Crazy smooth vocals fun energetic 60's pop vibe perfect length the hook could have been milked a bit more. 10,000,000,000 love the percussion and synth work. Vocals full of angst - totally suits. One of your best I've heard. Venom & Vitriol nice guitar work tight drums solo's well done. Thought the music was a bit too happy for the lyrics. THE UNDERGROUND fine vox like the drums/clapping Active Shooter acid rocker! catchy guit riffs, cool wawa, quality lyrics a few timing issues Silver Tongue joyous music great melodies quality vox great chord changes! arrangement perfect tied for top spot for me Prima Donna great vox nice original melodies good hook well used nice bridge Bullets And Lovers pleasant vox solid lyrics - a few prosody nits melodies a bit uninspired THE MOON IS SCHEMING like the piano jabs vox nicely sung avant guarde lack of repeating melody Bleed lyrics good good melody lines guit/ bg vox out of tune hook abandoned The Jesus I know good ole country vibe some prosody issues good arrangement good ending LONG great intro - N Young vibe nice guitar licks cool double entendre - long nice solo one of my favs The Meanest Man of All great bass sound cool cajun vibe great set uo for hook good story line conversational! tied for top spot for me Without You great drums catchy chorus lyrics solid vox are stellar Leave a little light good vox - could be sung in a higher register solid lyrics nice melody lines like the tempo changes good contrast verse/chorus would like to hear it grow instrumentally
  14. PaulCanuck

    The Crows of Wheelock Park

    Hey SOK - well I guess this guy doesn't much like his mother-in-law This has some great imagery but TBH I didn't connect very well, other than disliking my own M-I-L. A few lines stood out to me that could be improved: The women they wore yellow (maybe "dressed in yellow"?) Too bad she's such a ho (no evidence in the lyric to support this, so it seems out of left field) Her patience it wears thin (wearing thin?) Oh and the braggadaccio / such a ho couplet was, well uncomfortable prosody-wise But having said all that, I'm sure you'll make this work cleverly in a song given your abilities to do so. Paul
  15. PaulCanuck

    July song competition

    Congrats to Johan, David and Scenes. Man! What a month for great songs! I had Scenes and SOK tied for top spot - but Hobo and the Jamster were biting at their heels! Feck! I don't remember a month that has had such a great variety of stellar performances - how R us mortals supposed to compete!!?? Anyway??!! Good job fab on the hosting duties. Will post my impressions anon..
  16. PaulCanuck

    JULY Lyrics Competition

    Congrats to discatticu, kuya and Ty! All got top marks from me (aren't I smart? ) A brave man to take on a Tom Jones' title, LyriCal's Delilah was my favourite this month. tipping my hat to iggy for hosting, Paul
  17. PaulCanuck

    Can't find a rhyme? Try this!

    Author's note: Thanks to kuya, a talented writer on this forum for inspiring this piece - I hope you find it useful. So, your lyrics are almost completed. You can hear the music in your head. This song is going to be your best to date - you just know it! You need to hit the record button before your inspiration wanes. But... There is that one weak line in the verse. It ends with that word you found on Rhymezone. It rhymes nicely with its counterpart and it's a well-known word - so no issues there. It has perfect prosody, perfect assonance, nice meter. But it introduces an image or an inference that takes the listener out of the storyline, breaks the mood you've built up and just seems out of place. And you can't find another rhyming word that fits. You've tried to jam in something that doesn't rhyme, but that made the verse feel unstable, slipshod. This is now a show-stopper. All your efforts have been in vain. The English language has let you down again - crap! But wait - there is a solution. It's right in front of your eyes: Can't find a rhyme? - Repeat that line!! Think about it - we want our lyrics to be "conversational" and people often repeat lines when they are trying to make a point. ("Lock her up" sadly comes to mind). Humans like repetition - it doesn't require us to process new information - our minds can relax and bask in the familiar. It strengthens the impact of what has just been sung. Sometimes it even causes the listener to hear a different meaning in the line he/she hasn't thought of the first time around. Sure, we all know enough to repeat the hook usually in the chorus, but if you're like me, sometimes forget we can repeat a line in the verse or bridge. It's another arrow in your songwriter's quiver - don't forget to use it!
  18. PaulCanuck

    Who Loves You? updated 08/03/2018

    Thanks everyone for the suggestions (and encouragement ) I've taken kuya's idea for those two weak lines and modified it a bit - thanks kuya! Hopefully it's getting close to completion - but any other nits will be begrudgingly welcomed Paul
  19. Hey all - I see this as a short theatrical piece with male/female voices and possibly a choir. I'm not too keen on the last two lines of the second verse but any other suggs would be appreciated too. No music yet (well an inkling ) Who Loves You? I'd like to call your heart to testify No need to swear her in - she doesn't lie I only have one question I hope she doesn't mind.. Who loves you? Who loves you? Who loves you? I do Love is just a game of hide-and-seek Our eyes are blind to what our hearts can see If I'm allowed this question She'll show her honesty.. Who loves you? Who loves you? Who loves you? I do {bridge - second male voice or choir} Asked and answered! How can this trial proceed? Asked and answered! He must let the witness speak! Let her speak!! Who loves you? Who loves you? Who loves you? "You do" {female voice}
  20. PaulCanuck

    Out on my feet

    Hi SW Sorry I have nothing to suggest - it all works for me I really like how the bridge describes a new scenario so it comes across as "the eye of the storm" or the rest of the song. Good work Paul
  21. PaulCanuck

    Jazzman's Blues

    Nice one kuya - I dig it One tiny suggestion: add a word here: Oh, and maybe tell this guy about Viagra Paul
  22. PaulCanuck

    I feel It Because I don't

    Hi Steve I really liked this one. It reminds me of Oh Suzanna: That line (and your hook) stand logic on its head and force us into twisted thinking mode Good stuff! Paul
  23. Please don't be offended - hmm I guess it's too late for that Hillary Was Right! A basket of deplorables Their policies are horrible Watch their angry faces (A lot of them are racist) Too bad she's so up-tight 'Cause Hillary was right! Hate is their agenda No matter what they're pretendin' Those rich corporate bastards Will lead us to disaster She's as up-pity as she's white But Hillary was right! Trump is Putin's puppet He acted like a suck-up It's enough to make you vomit (They must have somethin' on him) Too bad she's such a shite 'Cause Hillary was right! Don't count on Robert Mueller 'Cause Pence is even dumber He has no better plan (And what a sycophant!) Who-da-thunk she'd say the truth? When she spoke it made us puke! But.. JESUS! FUCKING! CHRIST! HILLARY WAS RIGHT !!
  24. Maybe, maybe not Maybe someone else would do it more justice than an aging Canuck
  25. PaulCanuck

    Marry Me? Revised 7/30/18

    OK - so that makes a BIG difference here. We're used to reviewing lyrics that are meant for an audience of more than one I take back my comments about the title/hook if it's not meant for a general audience. I think if it says what you want to say, it's done.
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