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PaulCanuck

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PaulCanuck last won the day on February 15

PaulCanuck had the most liked content!

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About PaulCanuck

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    A Muse's Muse
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    http://soundcloud.com/paulcanuck/

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
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    Life, Love
  1. Now that's just rude. Hilarious ... but rude. Good camping song - when the kids are asleep in the tent
  2. Hi Ron OK - not sure what I think so I'll just ramble on and hope it's of some help anyway First off it's an interesting story but I don't hear a song. Probably more my fault as I'm sure you do hear one. The 1st verse misled me a bit - being about the jungle, animals and all, then suddenly talking about winning women - was expecting females or sth. I'm not sure it's true for all species in the jungle either. Don't some animals have females rule the roost? And the ones where males dominate - do they really get all the females? I doubt it. IMO stating these "facts" gives me the impression that the singer is cheuvenistic and that's the way HE sees the world. The following verses don't really paint the same picture. You abandon the jungle metaphor, the man fails, seems to have only one woman etc. Just some thoughts - probably no help - sorry Paul
  3. What a great story line - universal that most everyone can relate to. This is crying out for a hook though. The last line of the chorus is very weak. It's set up beautifully for a hook line right there. I think if you gave this a hook on that last chorus line, this would be stellar. Paul
  4. Enjoyed that one - lots to like. Good idea to do a half-chorus in after the 1st verse - gets to your hook faster. Vocals are great. Melody doesn't stray much from a typical blues song, but maybe that's intentional. Well done on this song Paul
  5. Hey Bob I like this - great hook - it takes jet's "RU gonna be my Girl?" and stands it on its head Now if I were a nit-ster - I would suggest that the first bridge doesn't add much and I would replace it with a copy of the second bridge which is really good (and a great change of perspective). Also verse one seems to have less syllables than the others which got me off on the wrong meter. If the meter changes in a verse I would rather it be in a later verse so as not to get me off on the wrong foot Good stuff IMHO ! Paul
  6. Hi realrush and thanks for posting a lyric! Not trying to pile on here, but I got the same feeling as Emily on this. When someone is talking fear, I want raw emotion. I want the writer to reach down to his very soul and spill it out on the page. I want nothing less than T.S Eliot: And I will show you something different from either Your shadow at morning striding behind you Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you; I will show you fear in a handful of dust. I get some imagery from the stage/spotlight lines but telling me you are terrified doesn't paint a picture - I want to know what effect it had on you so I can empathize and relate. Feel free to ignore me! Paul
  7. I'd enjoy doing that - easier than recording a song...
  8. Nice one Tyler This could go pop as well as country - the badonkadonk line is all that makes it country. Can't find a nit - good work! Paul
  9. Thanks JW - glad you saw some merits Hi spanishbuddha and thanks for commenting! I don't really have a prob with the two lines saying the same thing - it is the chorus after all, and choruses often repeat exact lines Plus if I use "world" I lose the rhyme with "notion". Regarding the question about questions I hope I didn't say "question marks are no good in lyrics" - if I did, I meant they can be a challenge for the musician - because to sound conversational, the melody should go up in pitch at the end. Of course there are many songs (who are you?) that prove me wrong - thanks again. Thanks Bob - see my comment on those similar lines above. I agree "ties that bind" needs work - maybe "web that connects us" or sth. Cheers Emily - appreciate the kind review. Good point about the father verse. I was actually thinking the father had lost his son already (thus his "pain") and he prefers to think he is sending "soldiers" rather than sons to dehumanize his vengeful actions. But maybe calling him father confuses things IDK. Glad you didn't mention preachy - that's my worst fear Thanks kuya for the kind comments. You might be right about pluralizing ocean - make the scope bigger. On second thought you are right Hi Joey - thanks for that. Yeah I didn't want to complicate it too much and I like "kindred" too for some reason Hi MK - well as Rick Nelson said "you can't please everyone" Seriously I do appreciate your comments and the verse/chorus connection one is valid.
  10. RIP Chuck!
  11. Kindred Souls I can see the mothers grieving For the sons that war has stolen I can see their faces weeping Searching for a kindred soul Kindred souls across the ocean Kindred hearts across the seas Kindred minds sharing the notion That this world can live in peace Father's pain is hot and vengeful Sends his soldiers to the scene But he can found a revolution By shutting down his war machine Kindred souls across the ocean Kindred hearts across the seas Kindred minds sharing the notion That this world can live in peace Can you feel the tie that binds us? Can you hear the freedom song? We can leave this hate behind us Count on love to keep us strong Kindred souls across the ocean Kindred hearts across the seas Kindred minds sharing the notion That this world can live in peace Kindred minds praying and hoping.. That this world Can live in peace
  12. Hi Johnny Really good work on this - I can see why it did so well in the contest. My only suggs would be regarding arrangement - it may take a while to get to the hook as the first verse is wordy - maybe compress it to 8 lines? - the choruses are also quite long - maybe halve the first one? - maybe end with the chorus to drive the message home Nice work Paul
  13. Hi Joey I like this - nice sentiment and flow. Just a couple of small suggs - keep or chuck Every time I read this line it seemed a contraction would flow better: and I would remove these words - they seem superfluous and dilute the hook: and maybe the bridge could be tidied up: Nice work - looking 4ward to hearing it. Paul
  14. ..and one of it's most important merits (IMHO) is whether people can emotionally relate and connect to it. .. and some of us have attempted to do that in this thread. Seems you're more interested in critiquing our critiques than offering any help advice to the OP.
  15. I don't care if the voting is public but I think the contestants should not be revealed until the end, like it is now. That way if I piss someone off with a less-than-tactful critique in another thread I don't get punished for it here... Not that anyone would do that...