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PaulCanuck last won the day on July 17

PaulCanuck had the most liked content!

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About PaulCanuck

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    Life, Love

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  1. Nice work - I love the hook - very unique. And I always like when the verse ends with words that lead into the chorus like "Because he.." There are a few spots that could be stronger but I'm not sure you want that sort of feedback in Artists Cafe - there is a section called "Lyrics feedback" if you do.. Good work! Paul
  2. I think the author's point is that if something is not growing, it is dead, or soon to be so. Remember Jethro Tull? Yes? ELP? King Crimson? They all grew rock in different directions like branches on a tree. And rock could grow because it was in fertile ground - top 40 audiences, record buyers eager to hear it and wanting it to grow. Expecting it to grow. Take away the fertile ground and it will die. RIP, Rock
  3. Sorry - too busy this month - anyone willing to host?
  4. Thanks Liam - yeah it's not that deep middle of the pack is probably where it belongs Hi Bob - but I don't play the Pukulele (sic ) thanks for commenting
  5. Hi kuya I love the hook - such an evocative phrase and no hard consonants to break it's flow I didn't care much for the first two lines. Why? Because it reminded too much of this: I think if maybe you "sat atop the mountain" or something and rewrite the second line you could avoid this. Other than that, it felt like "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" a classic song also with no hard consonants in the title Paul
  6. Hi John My only issue is, I don't like how many "I don't like"s are in this. Reminds me of a kid I know - he's always saying "I hate ____" fill in the blank and it gets a bit tiresome to hear Paul
  7. Emily! I'm not trying to disparage lyricists - if you took it that way I apologize, after all I consider myself one too. But we're talking about a collaboration here, right? No money changes hands and the participants have agreed to work together (for no financial gain)? That's a lot different than hiring an auto-mechanic and being displeased with his work. The musician cannot do damage to your lyric and you have to assume he/she did her best. I'm not saying you should be happy with the final product of their work - just that they invested their time which is likely a lot more time than you put in as a lyricist. Paul
  8. Hi Emily Now, with respect, if you are entering the collab as a lyricist, you can hardly complain about wasting your time. A musician/producer will spend 20 times the amount of time you do and his/her time will need to be spent in a studio (you can write your lyrics anywhere). And apart from the odd word/phrase change your time is almost all spent before you enter the collab. unless you are writing lyrics for existing music. IMO, a lyricist should be happy with any collab with a musician, regardless of how badly the song turns out - because someone has spent so much time trying to make your lyrics work in a song Paul
  9. Hi Liam Very nice - I like all the assonance in the hook with the soft "A"'s. I wondered a bit about this line: To me, Autumn is usually not associated with youth - maybe summer? And maybe: Also "rucksack" is not commonly used in NA - maybe suitcase or back-pack? Feel free to ignore - it's a good lyric regardless. Paul
  10. Hi Bob Well this may be your best yet. Great imagery in the opening verse and the chorus flows nicely. I'm on the fence as to whether the chorus should change each time - maybe try it both ways? But the bridge, now the bridge is a bridge to behold! A bit of a shocker but handled eloquently IMHO Paul
  11. Yes - I got a raised eyebrow and a headshake from my wife when I read her this And yep "Ain't She Sweet" is a perfect example of the vibe I was thinking of, but hadn't thought of it myself. The syllables all fit the melody I wrote strangely enough.. Thanks for the comments Hi John. I'm not saying "sweet is bad", I'm saying "too much sweet is bad". This is based somewhere between a doctor's advice on not becoming a diabetic and most everyone's memory of pigging out on candy when we're kids (and consequently puking our guts out ). I probably shouldn't stereotype "pretty" college girls as being saccharine - but the ones this guys dated were. I love the "delicious pun" comment - I'm thinking a big intake of breathe after the word "Tart" to punch it up Thanks for the comments! Cheers Peko - very kind of you to say that Hopefully the melody won't disappoint. Thanks Ron - great analysis exactly what I was thinking even though I didn't realise it In my world a woman who is overly sweet usually lacks depth - but there I go stereotyping again. My bad Thanks again everyone - good feedback.
  12. Hi Layla Another option is to collaborate with someone that has technical knowledge about recording. It's not easy to get these people interested as they typically have their own backlog of things to do, but if you have a great lyric and melody idea you might just convince someone to help Paul
  13. Hi kuya Good stuff - flows like a summer breeze The only thing that made this a female POV for me was the word "pink". In fact, I would like to hear from a female as to whether this would seem like a female POV because it fits nicely with my (male) POV (except for "pink") Now, there were some things that didn't seem quite right to me - like: - why was he laughing in V1? Was he with someone else or does he just laugh spontaneously? - the verse that starts with "The mind is such a funny thing" implies that she is now alone but the next verse their hair is getting grey which implies they are still together. I though the grey hair bit took me out of the song - now I'm picturing some old couple wishing they were young again. - the title/hook seemed a bit weak - didn't draw me in - if you keep it I would make it just "The Day we Met" but I liked the "Where did that summer Go?" hook in the bridge much better. - oh, and "can not for get" should be "cannot forget" for nitpickers like me Regardless of my nitpickingness above I thought this a strong lyric Paul
  14. Hi guys - lyric entered in the June contest - finished middle of the pack which is an improvement for me I have a twenty's style melody written but let me know if anything doesn't work for you please! Too Much Sugar Copyright © 2017 Tennyson Road Music When I was five, went grocery shopping - just my Daddy and me. A box of cereal caught my eye, 'cause I'd seen it on TV Before too long he spotted it in our cart And my Dad said "Son, ya gotta be thinkin' smart" That's too much sugar! Way too sweet! Said "Too much sugar" That's way too sweet for me My college days were a crazy haze of hookin' up with pretty girls But the conversation on those dates put me right back in that grocery store Too much sugar Way too sweet! She's too much sugar She's way too sweet for me Instrumental solo Too much sugar Way too sweet! She's too much sugar She's way too sweet for me {br} Now this lovely lady's come and won my heart And don't take this the wrong way But I think ..she's a little ... TART!! {spoken} I knew you'd take it the wrong way! Too much sugar (too much sugar) No, my Baby's sweet (my Baby's sweet) Not too much sugar She's just sweet enough for me Too much sugar (too much sugar) No, my Baby's sweet (my Baby's sweet) Not too much sugar She's just sweet enough for me Not too much sugar She's just sweet enough for me
  15. Nice word economy and sexual undertones - female singer I assume? Not sure the dancing feet bit fits with moaning love where the participants are likely not on their feet. And for this line: I would go even more daring with: Good lyric! Paul