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lyriCAL

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lyriCAL last won the day on July 25

lyriCAL had the most liked content!

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About lyriCAL

  • Rank
    A Muse's Muse

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Interests
    Traveling, walking, hiking, reading, photography

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Lyricist
  • Musical Influences?
    Songwriters I love include Dylan, Joni Mitchell, Bruce Springstreen, Elvis Costello, and The Eagles
  1. Back On The Highway Again

    I enjoyed this, too, Eric. I love -- I mean I'm envious that you thought of it and I didn't -- the first part of the bridge. Those are great lyrics there. Overall, the song does have a pleasant, retro, rolling-along vibe to it. Nice!
  2. We are stuck

    We are stuck Verse: Mother is sick in bed, lying just next door. The kid leaves ("posts" is a better word than "leaves") an updates without any care, update (no "s" at the end); "without any care" doesn't make sense here -- are you trying to say that he doesn't really mean what he is saying? Then you should say, "though he doesn't really care." Please pray for my Mom, She is very sick. Then, the kid takes a selfie like a narcissist whore. Good line. Pre chorus: Our head stuck on the boxy screen, While I think we all know what you mean here, no native English speaker would say it this way. We would say something more like: "Our head glued to the screen in our hand." Getting nothing but finger scrolling. Also poor English here. It would make more sense to say something like: "Spending hours doing nothing but scrolling." But then you don't have a rhyme or near rhyme. Chorus: Addicts are evolving, If I understand you here, you mean: "Our addictions change over time." Flowers are floating. This is very poetic but seems out of place here in an English-language lyric. What does it mean and what purpose does it serve in your lyric? It's an epidemic, we are stuck. Fuck off... Usually we say this to someone who is bothering us a lot. You wouldn't say "fuck off" to a trend that you don't like because it wouldn't make any difference. Maybe you mean: "We are fucked." (and that rhymes more or less with We are stuck). Verse: It's a deep dark sickness crawling at our door. Which is modern world selling us that's for sure. Unclear English. Maybe: The modern world pushes us online more and more. Peoples are getting hypnotized, (no "s" in people) Swallowing other shit. Why "other"? I don't know what you mean here. Do you mean people spend a lot of time paying attention to meaningless nonsense? Communication is Digitalize but forget a warm hug to feel alive. First, in the structure of the song, I'm not clear how this line fits in. It's not a verse or chorus or bridge -- is this another pre-chorus? If so, you should label it. Second, the sentence is, again, poor English and doesn't say what you think it says. You need something like: "Communication, thanks to digitalization, robs us of the warmth of a hug." Bridge: The whole world is now open to share. Too much information is available there. Too easy to get just as easy to forget. No deep establishment inside our mind. The bridge is good until the last line. You need to say something like: Nothing stays for long in our brains. Pre chorus: Our head stuck on the boxy screen, Getting nothing but finger scrolling. Chorus: Addicts are evolving, Flowers are floating. It's epidemic, We stuck. Fuck off... Hope this helps, Ashfi. Cheers, Doug
  3. Roundabout 18

    And don't forget my name It'll stand you in good stead Say hi from me to the bully boys You might not end up dead
  4. July 2017 Song Contest - Results Are In!

    I forgot to vote, dang it, but I have to say that Paul's song has an amazing lyric and a great performance. One of your best, Paul. Congratulations!
  5. July Lyrics Competition

    Luck, my ass! It's called talent and you and iggy have it in spades. Your songs were two of my three favorites. Congratulations to you both! And a giant thank you to Andrew for running the show.
  6. Online Perfection

    Some very clever stuff in here. I really like the chorus a lot. I'm kind of with Mike in that it feels like it ends too abruptly -- I don't know if they need to meet but there's something a tad repetitive between the verses and the bridge and you need a bit more oomph to make this pop as much as it deserves to.
  7. I'm Still Here

    Beautiful!
  8. The Dry

    There's some great musicianship here. You sound a bit hoarse to me, Andrew, if you don't mind my saying so. The stretched out words didn't bother me, but if you do something to change that, I'd like to hear the revision. Do you think there are other bluegrass songs with Lao Tzu lyrics?
  9. Pardon Me

    Pardon me, but are you mocking my president? I think you will need to construct a sort of musical cushion, so to speak, for that last line to sit on! Cheers, Doug
  10. Paper Bee

    This is the perfect kind of lyric for a discussion about whether it matters if the audience of a song -- whatever that audience may be, whether your friends, some folks in a bar, or a stadium full of fans -- needs to understand the words or not. We go back and forth about this issue on this site a lot. I'm 100 percent certain that if you wrote music for this that was as strong as say, Let Her Go by Passenger, that the lyrics would just be something people sang without too much thought. (My wife, whom I love with all my heart, rarely if ever pays attention to the words of songs. She may know them by heart but it's almost like they're just sounds rather than things with meaning). But if you are trying to communicate a meaningful story or convey a serious message (as you have indicated in your explanation of the lyric) then I think it unlikely that many people will understand this very much as it is currently written. I agree with Hobo Sage, for example, that the title itself sounds like a bee made out of paper (like origami) and that hardly anyone would understand it as "a bee who landed on a piece of paper". I also agree with Hobo Sage that "push a notional spike into a hollowed brain" is awesome writing and, I would add, pretty easy to understand. If the whole lyric had that kind of clarity, then, it is my humble opinion, it would work much, much better. Welcome to the Muse and I wish you the best on polishing up this diamond in the rough. --Doug
  11. June Regular Lyrics Contest

    Congratulations to SongWolfe, Kuya, and John! I had Portraits of War and Only Ravens Know as my favorites followed by Talk Is Cheap and I Still Think of Her. Nice work, all! A big shout out to Iggy for running the show! --Doug
  12. Burning Bridges

    This has some brilliant writing, some of the best I've seen here in a long time. As far as tweaks go, I'm on the side of those who favor another word other than patience -- either impatience as Ron suggested or passion. I think on first read I was so impressed that I didn't think too much about the rhythm. But on second look, I think it might be tricky to turn this, as written, into a song. One of my pet peeves about this site is that there isn't enough collaborating -- so I'm urging one of the talented musicians here to prove me wrong and put this to music. When are you going to get a chance to work with material this strong again? DO IT! --Doug
  13. The Sum of Smaller Stories

    Some nice emotions and thoughts here, John. You've laid down a strong foundation for a solid song. Now you have to go back and clear out the repetitions. You use the phrase "handed down" way too many times. Keep it in the chorus but find alternatives in the verses -- that's my advice.
  14. When this Bottle lets go of my Hand

    I like it, too, Paul. Wonderful hook. The lyric takes an old chestnut and makes it fresh again. I'm with Peko on "revived me from slumped" -- sounds awkward to my old ears. Clever job here. Kudos! --Doug
  15. poems vs. lyrics

    I'll let the musicians be more specific but the most obvious answer is that lyrics have to fit in with the music or they have to be written so that music can be adapted to them in a way that we all would recognize as a song -- and the music of songs almost always has patterns that repeat (verses and choruses or refrains). So the rhythm of songs usually dictates what you can and cannot get away with as a lyric writer -- the words have to fit or create musical patterns. If not, the words will be going one way while the music goes another. And that wouldn't be singable.
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