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Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

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  1. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Just My Opinion

    Howdy. This is a good lyric in the sense that you tightly pack more elegant words and make it all flow well, which is tricky. You also have some nice intricate rhymes woven into it, which I really fancy in lyrics. It may suffer from being a little preachy (e.g why would your audience feel your opinion is relevant to them?), but I don't know your intended audience. Depending on the musical backing, it might not matter.
  2. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Mr. Skeleton's Spooky Tooth Show

    Thanks Mick. Yeah, it's a little kooky, lol. Don't know about the ventriloquist bit now (not sure if it really fits), but maybe the nuttiness can allow it.
  3. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Mr. Skeleton's Spooky Tooth Show

    Howdy all. Here's a little hallowe'en song. I envision it to be done in a vaudeville-ish arrangement; I have a melody I could use already, but before I stretch it over this (if I can, that is), I wanna see if it makes sense, the meter is good, etc. Thanks for your time! Mr. Skeleton's Spooky Tooth Show Mr. skeleton turned to gelatin When he found himself on stage The hushed crowd was more unsettling Then a short stint in the grave But he braved it out It was tough no doubt When he found his sound Oh he went to town He got some super creepy tones Out of that bone xylophone But he's singing 'em notes baritone It's Mister Skel'ton's Spooky Tooth Show Mr. Skeleton cued the organ Featured a pair of floating hands Then the werewolf barbershop quartet Were in howlin' harmony, oh yeah But his tux 'n top hat And that aw shucks act Sharpened out his flats For the Monster Mash He got some super creepy tones Out of that bone xylophone But he's singing 'em notes baritone It's Mister Skeleton's Spooky Tooth Show There's a round of applause For our maestro and his band It's scary how good it went For a puppet and his friends I'm not much a ventriloquist Hope we're doing Vegas No accapella show tunes We're gonna need the whole creepy crew Gonna need those super creepy tones Out of that bone xylophone He'll be singing 'em notes baritone It's Mister Skeleton's Spooky Tooth Show
  4. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Zombie Blues

    Howdy. I really like this. It's funny and definitely has some Halloween comedy song quality to it. I had some thoughts about the zombie alive/dead thing, but I think on second view, you're okay. I don't really notice a big issue, although 'It's hard being' alive yet dead' could be had in line three of the first chorus, if you want to be more thematic. Cheers!
  5. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    August Lyrics Contest

    Congrats to the winners! I had "Fighters and Flyers" and one of the disqualified lyric as top picks ("...Cup of Coffee"). "...I took the keys" was my second highest pick along with a couple of others.
  6. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Annie Green Springs Waltz

    JMicheals: Yeah, I definitely noticed that v7-8 connected bridge one to bridge two story wise. I was wary of making that assessment altogether for that very reason, with my proviso in my response. Upon reading that part over again...eh, I don't really know what my hang up was with the length at the time of writing. I think I fell into the trap of seeing a lot of sections and assuming long song length wouldn't work with the vibe I picked up from this lyric (length isn't really an issue anyways; if it works it works).
  7. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Underwater

    Howdy. You really know how to wield those words! The first two lines in each verse are some really crafty word-smithery, which is even cooler because of that rhyming scheme; those words are hard to rhyme well generally (well, for me they would be!) Kudos on that. I agree with the "I don't...die" line lacking a certain relevancy; seems too easy an out, too short cut-y (nitpicking, I know). I also feel the same way about the last two lines of the prechorus (the '...work' lines). but I think it's more me getting too stuck on the way you used your words elsewhere in the lyric; almost under word-smithed in those two prechorus lines. That's the best way I could explain it. Beyond that, I like it. Cheers!
  8. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress

    Thanks everyone for your input! I think that Mr.Lazz's restructuring is right on the button (appreciate the time you put into that and the analysis of the the rhythm). Paul and Mike, thanks for spotting the little things there. Although, I'm surprised that it reads like it's from a woman's point-of-view...ah well. As for the on-paper rhythm issues, I guess that's fine for me, so long as everything else (inconsistencies with tense, story, etc.) is squared off (I don't plan to pitch this to anyone, going to music it up myself). Cheers!
  9. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Annie Green Springs Waltz

    Howdy. I like the story, the rhyming is good and it's got that waltz time feel for sure. I can't give a real through review because this lyric is kinda long for my analyzing skills: I'm a weirdo and like two verses normally. That said, I almost want to say the lyric itself overstays it's welcome a bit near the end. I feel v7-8 are almost something that can be taken out and you could still segue into the last bridge. I get that the first bridge is sort of a twist, but to me anyways, v7-8 don't add anything to the twist that this first bridge doesn't already do. If you do happen to consider this, I'd then merge the two bridges (I get there's a leap in time of many years between the moments expressed in those bridges, but maybe you could spin it to fit). Then you'd have V1-V2-V3-C-V4-V5-V6-C-Break-Bridge (merge the two bridges you have)-C-End, if that makes any sense. If you have music, then you can ignore my yammering. Cheers!
  10. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Elevator Music

    Howdy. I think this lyric is a good starting stub, but it doesn't juice the potential of the elevator music hook enough, and depending on your thing music wise, no rhyme scheme in the verses (or at least I didn't see one; sometimes I overlook obvious things in my own lyrics, so...). As for bridge, I think if you address the elevator music thing and see how you can really sell it more in what you have now, it'll change how to go about the bridge. Maybe you won't need one (no lyric NEEDS one, but in general they can really turn a lyric around). Good luck!
  11. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress

    Howdy Mr Lazz. Did I go backwards? Lol. You can tell me if I'm too out in left field. As I said in my reply to you, I'm sort of not sure how to integrate the new verse well. I know you had the whole AAB thing in mind; I'm guessing my revision really screws with it? Should I add another 4-liner to the first verse? Or potentially ditch the 'according to her accordion' 4-liner? As for my soundcloud...it's out of commission at the moment - dead link. I had some songs on there, but got rid of my account for stupid reasons. I recently created a new account, hopefully to put up some new (and older) material.
  12. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress

    Howdy Mr. Lazz. That's...a lot of stuff there! I read it and I get your points. I am in fact a guy, but was too lazy to switch it. And I do write music and sing but this song is based on a pseudo melody and rhythm in my head. Nonetheless... Upon reflection, and some extra changes I've made before you posted (added extra verse, ditched tom collins but don't know how to integrate the new verse properly), I agree with your rearrangement of the lift...much better flowing as you've envisioned it. As for the first line of the verses...with my rhythm in mind, I feel they should work. I forget sometimes that on paper (on screen!) is not completely the same as how I recite it to myself in my head. That said, since this lyric is already under construction, I might as well consider squaring it off. Thank you for your in-depth analysis. About as thorough a review as I've ever gotten on a lyric. Cheers! P.s as for digress...thought it could also mean to end and not also just it's regular meaning. Good to know!
  13. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress

    Hey Mick, thanks for your reply. Yeah, I agree, I can see how the Tom Collins thing could be confusing -- I think I want to avoid the alcohol thing here now because I don't think it really adds much to this. Also I added an extra verse because it felt I didn't really qualify "Miss Polka-Dot Dress's" singing enough considering how much praise I throw at her in lift/chorus.
  14. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress

    Howdy. Got another lyric here, and it feels like an uptempo acoustic, but not sure. Have I said enough in the verses, or is it too sparse? Thanks! THAT GIRL IN THE POLKA-DOT DRESS VERSE My former love'd knocked me off cloud nine I'm here beside myself after another nine-to-five But my bum notes're being replaced By a sweet soprano with better range LIFT She has the voice, the charm, the throwback fringes And she has the choice of partners in the music business CHORUS That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress She's a seamless blend Oh yes VERSE According to her little accordion I gotta be shedding tears of a particular sort But I can't help this damned smile This ain't my usual style LIFT She has the voice, the charm, the throwback fringes And she has the choice of partners in the music business CHORUS That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress She's a seamless blend I digress BRIDGE She hushes the crowd with a folk hymn Gets us clapping about with a lil sing-a-long Odes to love and hate and heartbreak A waltz, some schmaltz -- it's all first rate She's gone and left and done her set No time to even file a regret I won't forget miss polka-dot dress She's got the stuff to really impress CODA She has the voice, the charm, the throwback fringes And she has the choice of partners in the music business That Girl In The Polka-Dot Dress She's got the stuff to really impress
  15. Boldly-Rimmed Glasses

    Lipstick stain

    Howdy, Mick. It's really coming along now. The verbiage is strong without sacrificing story/insight nor throwing the vocabulary in your face (you're good at these kinds of lyrics, I've noticed). The nit I have is with the excuse for the incident. I'll have to agree with Paul that the excuse for the lipstick stain seems a little awkward and hard-to-see-happening, even by accident. Not saying it couldn't happen, but I'd also think it's too subtle an incident to write about in a lyric about infidelity; it's not contrasting enough. Maybe you could look for something more clear-cut. Of course, it's up to you; it's your baby after all. Cheers!
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