Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 


This message will be removed once you have signed in.


  • Content count

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


fabkebab last won the day on March 31

fabkebab had the most liked content!

Community Reputation

13 Good

About fabkebab

  • Rank
    Ahh a newbie no longer
  • Birthday 20/12/69

Contact Methods

  • Website URL

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Houston, Texas
  • Interests
    Fatherhood, Songwriting/performing, the mystery of "on stage charisma", The wide world, Gardening, People, Sports, trying to "get" America

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    Traditional Folk, Progressive Rock, plus some classical, acoustic, metal, pop, country, reggae

Recent Profile Visitors

24,813 profile views
  1. O2 (Oxygen) I felt lost at the beginning Just bright lights and a human feeling So many vivid colors seeing was believing Rapid improvising, Each breath slowly rising, A mothers a lullaby, sweet and surprising taking in as much as I could in world where all is new Living The highest high 02 - 02- 02 Through five senses of sensation, I lived childhoods revelation blowing out the candles on each birthday celebration Now An adult, unrestricted, Im willfully addicted And feeling the earth and my soul are connected Breath deep into my veins in world where all is new Living The highest high 02 - 02- 02 Giver of life For my children, for my wife Out here camping in the mountains Nearby Streams trickle like fountains Cool fresh air, the stars are blazing Breathe deeply and smoothly, 02 is amazing! On top of the world Looking down , taking in the view Living The highest high 02 - 02- 02
  2. No worries everyone - this is just a fun 15 minute lyric I made, so no offence taken by me!! I will be upping my game for the next months competition though, so watch out ! :-)
  3. It isnt intended as a childrens song - just a "WTF" song The story is about an overly ambitious sealion who quits the zoo and ends up in a circus. :-)
  4. Lots of really good lines in this lyric - I liked the "flicking" line, the "nothing ever happens" news, etc. I think you mean "Scraping" not "scrapping" btw. I can absolutely hear shades of Springsteen in the feel of the lyrics so well done If i was collaborating with you on your lyric I would make a suggestion to shorten the lyric (and give it focus) in the following way: 1 ) Dont change the tense in the 1st bridge. Its like we are all with you in the warehouse and then suddenly you surprise us and tell us that you arent even there! I felt like a kid abandoned on the corner (perhaps the guy with the hood in Bernabbys song). My suggestion would be to make the bridge an aspirational one - "one day I'm gonna..." type thing. A moment when we fly with the singer to a hopeful future. 2 )Drop the 2nd bridge, and instead use the last verse to kind of illustrate to the listener that even though the singer things he has an escape plan, he just isnt ever going to get it together and actually do anything. I think it would be easy to convey if you simply up the stakes a little bit in the last verse, like the guy is doing heroin or involved with a gang. To be honest your existing lyrics would be fine if you rearranged them. with these changes your song then has the structure of - Kid in a urban wasteland - Momentarily (in the bridge) we all feel he has a shot - Then there is the comedown in the last verse that he isnt going anywhere soon, and (even though he doesnt realise it) we can see he is going nowhere anyway thats my thoughts on it- good lyric!! Some excellent lines
  5. I think the structure of the lyric is good, and I can see the chorus being very powerful musically (I am hearing Linkin Park) The area I would work in is the verses. An obvious comment is that you should "show dont tell" It is hard to buy that you even need redemption. What exactly has the singer done to be in need of some kind of desperate supernatural intervention rather than being mildly dissatisfied? If I was collaborating with you, I would ask you to dig more into the verses to create something more visceral. For example describing a the scene as you stand over a body - perhaps its just someone dead? Perhaps you are standing over someone who is sleeping, thinking about something you cannot tell them in person? perhaps you are confessing at a gravesite? Perhaps you are alone at the end of a plan which didnt go right Perhaps some event (which is described in the verses) leads to the plea for redemption? Anyway that is my take on it - the structure is good. the meter is good - but I want to feel it in my guts a bit more
  6. If this is an additional contest, please allow me to host the competition as a collaboration challenge (so we get music too) - that is, of course, dependent on which one wins the poll
  7. Thanks guys - I really appreciate the comments @RGMixProject I am not sure I have the production skills to take it exactly where I want, but its a male ahead of the 1+1 version I had before. I am going to hopefully pick chazmataz' brain for some ideas, then I might well slow it down - point taken! @chazmataz great comments. Same for the last song of mine you commented on. My last song was 100% band in a box, just out of wonder for the tool - I am now moving towards a blend of what it can do well and what I can do as a musician. To be honest though you made a really good call on the lack of "buildup" during the song. Do you have any resource on how to get the right level of build? There is the time honored technique of including more and more instruments as the song progresses, but for me thats kind of a cliche and I hear many modern songs where they build without that approach... anything you have would be appreciated!
  8. I was drawn to the title of this song If you are genuinely new to lyric writing, you will get a lot out of critiquing the work of others on this board - it is a faster channel to learning than just focusing on your own lyrics - so welcome!
  9. Lovely lyric!! I really enjoyed the journey, the sense of something fragile weighed down by the future (which is not really every stated, which makes it better in my mind) The only thing I would change is "Up at cherry hill" The song has a narrative of you kind of making your way down to the waterside before sundown, but taking in the sights. But if you were with this girl trying to get down to the water, why would you ever go "up" to a hill? I felt like I was right with you on the journey, but this seemed counter intuitive Do you have music for this? I would be interested in working with it if you are interested (listen to my music and send me a PM if you would like to!) Very nice and well deserved to be up there near the top
  10. Hi Kuya - I thought this one was OK. but (perhaps I am just in a strange mood today so please take this comment in the good spirit it is intended) but I thought "what is the underlying point". Even in a fun song I think there has to be an underlying cohesion which gives bones to the lyric In this you have a series of verses critisizing your wife. The opening is really good - you got married in a hurry and *bam* you are trapped. i think maybe (to ensure the song is a journey) you should have the guy be reasonably happy at the beginning? The ending is similarly strong - the singer wishing he had "ripped the bandaid off" The area I would work is the long part in the middle. All stories which have lists have a connecting thread - for example you could Make the bad things get bigger and bigger (as is done in a book like the "hungry catterpillar" where the feasts get more absurd each day) Make the events link together in a farcical way (as done in the "paddys sicknote" song or "theres a hole in my bucket") At the moment yours didnt have a build up or story to them, so there was no sense of being "drawn into a story" - that is where I would work if I was collaborating with you!
  11. I thought this was one of the most interesting lyrics of the competition (I had a similar lyric which I was going to enter, which covered some similar ground, and I had to abandon that one for a month or two after seeing yours!) The song is obviously about a kid playing with plastic soldiers, but I feel the "big aha" was unfocused - Is the song about his father and grandfather having a PTSD triggered by the kids innocent actions? I think its a strong idea - but then you have that horizontal line (what does that mean in musical terms? That you are going to change the melody?), and the only thing which seems to continue from the first section is the kid playing with the soldiers. I am not sure I understand the last bit where the singer is feeling guilty. He is reflecting on things 50 years ago? I actually have a strange phobia about melting plastic things, you should just say you left the heater on since a thermostat implies something in the room and I got confused ***So now I am reading your own comments - I would never have guessed the storyline in a million years if you hadnt stated it here. I am sure nobody would die from plastic soldiers melting, and anyway the little line made me think some time had passed. I think the whole thing is very creative and interesting, but based on your comments I think you have to simplify. Forget your dad, forget your mom. You still have a story about a load of plastic soldiers with your grandpa as a "sideshow" - it doesnt seem in balance to focus on the toys when the grandpa has actually died ok I am rambling - in general it is a neat set of words, but seems very scrambled based on your own plan for the lyric and how it came off to me!
  12. HI everyone - This was my march lyric entry. I didnt expect it to do that well in the competition and It didnt set the world alight. That said I think it has the potential to be a fun song that one could play in a coffee house type gig, and it would get peoples attention as a kind of "WTF am i hearing" type song, to help break things up in a performance setting. Please share any thoughts! Ryan the legendary sealion 1/ Once there was a big sealion Black and sleek his name was Ryan Working the day shift at the zoo But he felt an itch to try something new Ryan, Ryan The Legendary Sea lion 2/ Gathered his things in a great big bundle Said if the lion is the king of the jungle Then I should be king of the sea And my subjects surely are waiting for me Ryan, Ryan ! 3/ He flopped right out and down the street Little flippers instead of feet Each city block and road he crossed Until he realized he was lost Ryan, Ryan The Legendary Sea lion 4/ So a man stepped up said "I am Joe" Just tell me where you want to go Oh and climb into this metal crate Its quite comfy, you will find it’s great Ryan, Ryan! 5/ The journey was long, and Ryan felt spent As the crate door opened to a circus tent "Get out" said Joe, "you stupid fool" "Balance this ball and get on that stool!" Ryan, Ryan The Legendary Sea lion
  13. I think you should just pick your fave. You choose!
  14. For whatever reason, I dont even see the "like"button
  15. Hi Joe - I can completely understand your annoyance at scoring a "4", since had it been a higher score it would have been enough to propel you into 1st place. We were all so close. I also note that we all got scores of 2.5 or 3.0 for most of our songs, so anyone could have won based on the tiniest subjective choice. For my part, here was my feedback Three Seven Oh - Solid song, good piano work. I think the best bit about this was the idea of the song - about writing something as topical as this mysterious, missing flight. I think I would have liked a bit more subtelty in the lyrics (since I thought everyone would know the topic, giving you a change to go beyond something which was purely narrative - but overall this got points for being a fresh idea Little Stones- I liked the lyric and i think this is the 2nd take of the song after some lyrical to-ing and fro-ing. Recorded like with my zoom mic. Lyrically I picked corn for the folky rhyme. LyriCAL said it would be confusing and he was right Dont Doubt my heart - Nice upbeat song, played and performed nicely. I think you have a relentlessly upbeat approach, which is appealing but at the same time the score was a little lower for me because this particular song didnt present that really neat musical turn or spark which made it stand alone there you are This was my winner this month - I wouldnt absolutely say I liked the song- it was too confusing and fractured for me to "get into" it, but it did drip with ideas and originality, and that pushed it over the line for my top score. It was fun to hear how far you took 1+1 the better man - I liked this, I felt it could easily be a "Donald Trump" song - perhaps not intended, but your vote may have been by someone based on politics. Not from me, it was my 2nd pick. I could imagine it being a nice b-side to the "She's In Love" song, the voice and recording are excellent. Again I think I was looking for a surprise. Perhaps the closest I got was that rising held note at the end of each verse good job all - we were all extremely close - no outstanding songs but no turkeys either!