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Oswlek last won the day on March 11

Oswlek had the most liked content!

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About Oswlek

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    A Muse's Muse

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  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
  • Musical Influences?
    Beatles, Radiohead, Trent Dabbs, Pink Floyd,
  1. Not as of my prior comment. Apparently my timing was as poor as I feared. I'm a fan of the new direction. If I were writing music to this, I'd probably look for ways to judiciously trim some of the "heard" usage, but otherwise it's as impressive as ever.
  2. Donna, Patty's comments have helped me crystalize my real problem with "watched". The initial lack of clarity is an issue in this immediate type of setting, but I could be sold on it being a benefit that additional meaning presents itself with subsequent listens. No, my problem is that using auditory stimuli paints a lovely visceral picture while conveying the distance you seem to be going for. That the protagonist is using those descriptions indicates that there was distance for her as well, though she is clearly following along on the film of her mind. And you accomplish this a brilliantly subtle way. All this makes "watched" unnecessary. Worse, for me ii feels like the piece is intentionally calling attention to the technique, like a magician who isn't content with just performing the trick, she has to show just how cool the illusion really is. Hopefully this makes sense. And hopefully the comment you posted while I was typing this didn't make it irrelevant.
  3. Hi, just wanted to let you know that I moved this thread because the Songs Forum is for original pieces that are still works in progress. Sounds great.
  4. Yeah, I got it but it's still not particularly clear. For instance, the first line of the bridge initially seems to be referring to a future event; that after watching him go she let her mind wander to the image of another woman. It's only after another couple passes that the subtle extra meaning clarifies. Even the closing line - as cool as it is - feels more like a general statement than an oblique description of what she is doing right now. Frankly, I think the closer would be even more impacting if it were already clear what she is doing. Then again, I only right lyrics because I need something to sing, not because I'm particularly good at it. I trust your judgement.
  5. Some very quick thoughts: * Agree with Mike about "would grind". I get where you are coming from, but it stands out as a disjointed general past statement in the middle of a very specific memory. * I never quite got how "watched" related to a lyric full of auditory inputs. The end of the bridge seems like it is casting a smidgen of light on it, but not nearly enough for me to figure it out. "I heard you leaving" feels too much on the nose, so maybe "I know you're leaving"?
  6. My Soul In The Breeze

    Forgot to mention one other thing. The mellow verse after the solos feels very wordy to me. If I imagine this as an orchestral piece, that section seems to be asking for fewer notes given more legato treatment, and I think the vocal would be wise to follow suit. For instance, the first line might be like this with "shadow" and "long" each held longer. I don't think it is necessary for the final word to land on the first downbeat of the following chord either. Leave the lines lingering slmewhat, if that makes sense. I think that's really it this time.
  7. Short-Changed

    I've been reading this again and, while I still think there is some fat to be trimmed in the verses, I've decided my problem is with the choruses. Granted, there are deliveries that can make this work (I just did an amusing mental run in a Johnny Cash spoken style in the verses and it was doable ), but typically when the verses are this dense you want to offset it with a punchier chorus. In that vein, I'm thinking it might be something like this (some lines are more for illustrative purposes than intending to be the suggestion): If you feel short-changed, then Honey, I do, too If you’re not all-in, then consider me through <--- I prefer your line, I'm just creating a rhyme I’m talking about a lifetime and I want to do it right You shouldn't be short-changed, and neither should I <--- Once again, forcing a rhyme into the picture IMO, this gives the chorus more oomph and distinguishes it more from the verses... with the added benefit of giving your title a bit more time in the sun. As always, keep or sweep.
  8. My Soul In The Breeze

    Great work Jack. I made it all the way through and enjoyed the entire experience. Most importantly, you made me feel. On to the critiques! * I think V1 would be much stronger if you reversed the couplets, like so: Trapped within Aging skin Troubled trail Epic fail The first pair is clearer to me as a listener, and it felt like a more apt introduction for what was to follow. * Along those same lines, I had another one that felt like a reversal might improve things: Out of desire, lost all my fire * I know it's a demo, but there are some really easy things that could be done to make that solo more palatable. The primary thing is that there is an immense amount of build up in the mids, especially during the first half. Do an EQ sweep and you should spot the problem immediately, my guess is that it's at 1,000 Hz though it could be closer to 2,000. Notch that at least 6 dbs (and probably much more) and you'll create a tamer sound that plays nicer with the rest of the audio. A touch of reverb and delay would also help tuck the solo back into the mix more as well. * I'm not feeling the strong resolution at the end. IMO, the song is asking for some fading noodles on the guitar. As always, keep or sweep. Or ignore, that's what the smart ones do.
  9. If I Ever Meet the Devil REVISION 6

    Do you really get credit for only trying to stab me with the stiletto?
  10. Your Counterfeit Heart

    Paul's emphasis on the 2nd line is much more natural. Not only is stressing "with" a problem, but emphasizing "can't" over "beLIEVE" is as well. No worries, since the line works either way. That said, I agree with you about line 3. A slight pause after "and" (which feels like it should be there anyway to me) makes it work fine. Line 4 is an issue for me. I've been toying with it and the only way I can make it consistent with the rest without feeling rushed is to drop "plastic"... which may or may not be a problem. All that said, you've proven yourself to be reasonable about musicians making tweaks for smoothness purposes. As such, it doesn't seem necessary to force it into perfect shape at this point.
  11. If I Ever Meet the Devil REVISION 6

    I actually didn't. {Ducks for cover}
  12. If I Ever Meet the Devil REVISION 6

    Personally, I liked "sun knew you by name". I see Paul's point, but the "the" makes it clear enough that it isn't "son". IMO, the line worsened with the "shone" edit and has made a wrong turn once again. I also think "fixin' to do a crime" is more in character than updated version as well. Not to be all negative, I should say that the fix to the "eyes" line is excellent and the unresolved repeat to end the chorus is better than my suggestion.
  13. My Own Master - Locked

    {Explodes into joyous celebration} You didn't miss it before, it just came to me this afternoon. Alright, probably time to lock this one up. Pm if you have a strong opinion... or just wait for the inevitable Songs Forum post.
  14. If I Ever Meet the Devil REVISION 6

    It does for me! I like it, gives me a "Hey Joe" kinda vibe. I have but two potential critiques. 1) I'm not sure about the first line repeats in the refrain. You use that technique in the verses, so changing that is an easy, effective way to add distinction elsewhere. I might consider something like this... If I ever meet the devil, he’s bound to sympathise ‘Cause he’ll see a long-lost daughter when he looks into your eyes Yeah, if I meet the devil, he’s bound to sympathise (A slight change on the prior rhyming line) 2) Regarding the above, why is the devil seeing her eyes when he is meeting him? That makes no sense to me. I keep wanting that to mean that the devil will see her when he looks into his eyes. Which I suppose might make a nice suggestion for the similar-but-different line space above.
  15. My Own Master - Locked

    No time. And the song has been hard to get to the point where I can pull it off in a single take, in part because of the bridge. Speaking of the bridge, I spent a while last night and this morning trying it out and one thing became immediately clear. I hated it. I hated the bridge and I hated every single idea tossed about in this thread. I hated it so much that I starting hating the entire song. So, in a last ditch effort I skipped the drawing board and went back to square one. I played the bridge as it was originally written... And the initial feeling came back! So I made a decision that Donna will hate: to keep the cliched opening couplet. Amazingly, as soon as that was back in place the latter lines clarified as well. Higher and higher I climb Leaving old worries behind Those words that pinned me down Are whispers... on a distant wind I considered other options like, "distant breeze", "whispers... fading, distant" and reversing the rhyme like, "distant fading whispers", but I think the current selection is best. I'm still pondering the first couplet, but I struggle to see how I can avoid a cliche there. Legs/steps was mined in V3 and, with "words" pretty well tapped out, there aren't any other associated images to return to. And if a cliche is a must, this seems much better than a stupid "captain of my ship" type reference to empowerment. As always, your feedback is appreciated (everyone else's, too!), so don't hesitate to tell me I've got myself cranially rectally inverted if you think that's the case.