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  1. 7 points
    I’ve been on this site for a little over a year. In that time I have benefited greatly form the input, critiques and suggestions that have been offered. I also hope that occasionally I have been able to make a legitimate contribution to others with my own suggestions or comments. One thing I notice fairly frequently is the submission of what I would classify as “creative” writing, or “poetry” presented as a lyric. One of the most substantial benefits I have received here is gaining a greater understanding that a song lyric is dependent on mastering certain skills, and an appreciation that lyric writing is a well-honed craft that follows established rules and that it is both radically and subtly different from a piece of poetry or creative writing. Oftentimes, particularly with new members, I have witnessed them getting their feathers ruffled when confronted with a critique that questions certain elements in their lyrics. I just wanted to take a moment to point out that the first requisite for learning is to be open to comments. Sure, not every comment is going to tell you what a great writer you are (leave that to your parents, siblings or significant others). Personally, I’m here to learn and benefit from those individuals who are willing to share their experience and knowledge with me. If I receive a compliment that’s a plus, but truly, when someone says “that doesn’t work” I want to know why, and how to make it better. I can’t count the number of times a new member will post a sappy, overwrought, overdone lyric and never return because of less than complimentary critiques. To those people I would simply say if you’re serious about improving your lyric writing stick around, ask questions, and participate. You will discover that overtime your understanding of lyric writing will sharpen and your skills will improve. There are quite a few people on this site who have a great deal of knowledge about lyric writing and are more than willing to share that knowledge... I think that’s pretty special!
  2. 6 points
    Ignorance and Arrogance Ignorance and Arrogance went for a walk Both had a problem and wanted to talk Arrogance said "Here's the thing I don't get: People don't worship me like I expect" Ignorance muttered and stared at the ground "Everyone laughs like I'm some kind of clown" By the end of their stroll they had mutually agreed A partnership was the best way to proceed So they put out the word they were running for office And fired up the masses like striking up matches Arrogance proved he could sell any lie While Ignorance faithfully clung to his side And even some well-minded voters were fooled By the promise of greatness and valour and good So despite what the experts said never would happen Arrogance stood by the nuclear button Disguising the fact that he already knew He asked his dull partner "What's this thing do?" But Ignorance being not versed in such things Suggested that Arrogance press it and see... ...... .. and so the world came to a horrible end All that were living now all that were dead Humanity banished, as were Hope and Dreams And Love and Compassion: consumed in the flames The planet lay barren and blackened and soiled As clouds from the blast wrapped its surface like wool And Time patiently waited for our next attempt To crawl from the shallows and try once again.
  3. 4 points
    I know it still needs work, but I could use some fresh eyes. Edits-better or worse? Wishful drinking Revised Feb 22 My life ain't that shitty I can drink these girls pretty I look almost good For a guy pushing fifty Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems My truck ain't a clunker It's still got one bumper And knows the way home When I get even drunker Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems My house ain't a pig stye I could work I'm a smart guy Got so many friends They wave as they pass by Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I may be deluded But I have concluded Best way through life Is to just stay polluted Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I know I'm not wealthy BR Drinking ain't healthy And my sober self sees I ain't d'purtiest man half alive I'm aware that my boozing S'just a method I'm choosing to keep life amusing As I slowly nosedive ... but ... Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't a stinking old wicked bad dream -------------------------------------------------------------------- Wishful drinking original posted version My life ain't that shitty I can drink these girls pretty I look pretty good For a guy almost fifty Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems my life doesn't stink half as much as it seems (?) My truck ain't a clunker And I've still got one bumper It knows the way home If I get any drunker Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I may be deluded But I have concluded Best way through life is keep getting polluted Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems My house ain't a pig stye At work I'm the big guy People look up to Admire and ask my advice Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I'm not all that wealthy BR pt 1 Damned sure not healthy look at myself see I Ain't d'purtiest man half alive I know that my boozing BR pt2 S'the method I'm choosing Just to keep life amusing In my eternal quest to survive Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems
  4. 4 points
    I have certainly received allot of help from some very skillful writers. I’m more than a little thankful, and have incorporated your ideas. I hope we're getting closer. Now a few additional tweaks to consider please scroll down for last version Montana Love Story ...... .....or Hold On Honey??? Copyright 2018 ~ J.W. McMichael On a night when the stars hung in their Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines He closed his eyes and heard hear the river beckon Felt the glowing embers in the fire PC1 With a full moon rising from the canyon Lonesome cry of a coyote in the night He caressed the soft skin of his companion Saw the firelight flicker in her eyes Ch1 She said hold on Honey, let’s take our time tonight Nowhere to be, the moment’s right Hold me tight and move real slow, tenderly and don't let go.......thanks Donna! We'll be soaring where the Eagles fly V2 When the crocuses carpeted the tundra... ...alpine tundra is anything above tree line (in Montana, above 8,000 ft.). Chiming Bells and lupine lined the hills They camped where the waterfall thundered And rode their appaloosas down the trail Bridge The years passed and Spring turned into Winter The icy paths grew steep and hard to climb In their cabin while the snows blew through December She grew ill and died there in his arms PC2 He saw the full moon sink into the canyon Heard the cry of a coyote in the vast...... ...... From dictionary.com: "noun. 3. (mainly poetic) the vast, immense or boundless space." Kissed the silent lips of his companion And whispered, Girl I'll meet you in the pass Ch2 He said hold on Honey, it's gonna be alright I'll lie beside you here tonight The one I can't live without, so I'll just let the fire burn out And we'll be on that final pony ride Tag Today as the sun rose in its Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines He closed his eyes, could hear the angels beckon Two souls met in the blue Montana sky ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Previous version: V1 On a night when the stars hung in their Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines He closed his eyes and could hear the river beckon Feel the warm embers glowing in the fire PC1 With a full moon rising from the canyon Lonesome cry of a coyote in the night He caressed the soft skin of his companion Saw the firelight flicker in her eyes Ch1 She said hold on Honey, let’s take our time tonight Nowhere to be, the moment’s right Spoon me close and move real slow, tenderly and don't let go There's no rush up here where the Eagles fly V2 When the crocuses carpeted the tundra Columbine and lupine lined the hills They camped where the waterfall thundered And rode their appaloosas down the trail Bridge The years passed and Spring turned into Winter The icy paths grew steep and hard to climb In their cabin while the snows blew through December She grew ill and died there in his arms PC2 He saw the full moon settle in the canyon Heard the cry of a coyote in the vast His lips pressed to the lips of his companion He whispered, Girl I'll meet you in the pass Ch2 He said hold on Honey, it's gonna be alright I'll lay beside you here tonight I know it’s cold but please be strong, Doctor said it won’t be long Until I take that final pony ride Tag Today as the sun rose in its Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines When folks say all his sins will be forgiven Two souls met in the azure Winter sky
  5. 4 points
    Just a bit of fun. Not too serious. My car might not start. V I can’t come out to your house ‘cos my car might not start I took it to a guy and he ordered a part He'll send me a text on the Tuesday after next But I cant come out to your house as my car may not start V I’d love to have a picnic but I’m busy that week My workload is a monster and my boss is a freak I’m up against a cutoff And I’ll have to turn my phone off A picnic sounds intriguing but I’m busy that week C I’m sure you’re nice and a wonderful person I hope your life is as good as can be I hope you find just the perfect companion But I’m pretty sure it’s not me. V I can’t go to the movies ‘cos my Doctor said so It’s a serious condition that I’m sure you don’t know I’m screaming like an air horn When I get close to popcorn A movie wouldn’t work because my Doctor said so. V I’m sure I can’t go dancing with my knee as it is There are bubbles in my tendons and they all tend to fizz It puts me in such pain I might never walk again So there will be no dancing with my knee like it is C I’m sure you’re nice and a wonderful person I hope your life is as nice as can be I hope you find just the perfect companion But I’m pretty sure it’s not me. I’m pretty sure it’s not me
  6. 4 points
    Hello everybody and happy New Year. I have not been here in quite a while. Changed out computers and actually forgot about this place, passwords, etc. Until I got some notices on my email about discussions going on. So glad to see all of you. My name is MARC-ALAN BARNETTE and I teach the craft of songwriting and performance, networking and the business of music based in Nashville, Tn. This is one of those questions that come up a lot in songwriting discussions and a lot of things have to be looked at. First of all, sharing songwriting credit is a pretty standard thing in our world and the "real world" of commercial songwriting. If you look at most charting songs, you will find three, four or five names on them. Look in rock and pop, you will find up to thirteen or fourteen names. The reason is that now, everyone involved along the way seem to want credit, because in many cases, they are all responsible in a little way for a song's pathway. You find people now that write "beats", so they are included. Production people that just add sounds, they are included. Managers. attorney's, etc. are all included, and of course, the artists themselves. And often, not many of those actually participated in them. The irony, of course, is that there is NOT more money involved. The cold hard reality is that in STREAMING and other avenues of music, songs with HUNDREDS Of MILLIONS of streams are making in the thousands of dollars, not they hundreds of thousands. But people are being involved in an artist's "branding", so that is becoming part of a team. Just like you see those endless movie credits that go on at the end of a movie that last almost as long as the movie itself, there are a LOT of people involved in everything, and less overall money involved. It comes down to more "street cred" than anything. Your reputation on a major product, might lead to other products, padding a resume, and further jobs down the road. And in a converse, sort of strange way, now you WANT someone to be involved in a song because that could add to the ability of the song to make it's way up the ladder. Having an artist make a simple suggestion on the song's direction, contribute a word or a line, might increase that artist's desire to be involved and record the song. And you can understand this if you look at it logically. All artists are now writers. And some are pretty good writers. When you look at Taylor Swift, Kacee Musgraves, Christ Stapelton, all top earners in the country field, they all had cuts and success as writers BEFORE they were signed as artists. And looking for ARTIST/WRITERS, as opposed to WRITER/ARTISTS, has been the norm for about 20 years now. So having an artist be actively INVOLVED in the writing process or the life of the song is actually the incentive you use to get and keep their interest. It used to be PUBLISHING that would be shared. That is until PUBLISHING no longer meant much. Getting half of a song earning almost nothing due to being downloaded or streamed out of existence, is not really a whole lot of incentive. So like everything in the music business, that has shifted. Now in the subject of getting a critique, or someone making a suggestion and being added as a co-writer, that is going to be a case by case situation and would be talked out among participants long before anything happened on a song. Again, you have to remember the "time frame" from where a song is begun, developed, recorded, produced, advertised, released, etc. can be months or sometimes years. The music industry is like a big, lumbering battleship and nothing happens in any quick manner. So that would be discussed long before. From the point of view of someone who does critiques as part of his living, it would be VERY seldom that they would ask for any credit. In 25 years of doing this, I don't think I've ever heard ONE song I would want to be involved with. Not that they were bad songs (although most are simply mediocre), but that is not the reason for doing critiques. It is simply a different process, more of one of a mentor or teacher. Most songs from the outside world are very very average. They are very very similar to other songs. Writers write what is around them, so they come up with the same subject matter, done the same way, same rhymes, titles, chord structures, etc. Or they just don't really do much to motivate any. The reason is that people who don't do this all the time, or are not in a music center, simply don't hear enough music to realize how average most ideas and songs are. Just not enough input. This is one of the interesting aspects of coming to a town like Nashville with thousands upon thousands of writers and hundreds of thousands or millions of songs. Or going to YOU TUBE or FACEBOOK and seeing the thousands of camera phone videos uploaded a day, of new writers, artists, kids,older people, that are trying to show off their latest creations. When people come here and they hear those songs that they thought they had written and NEVER PLAYED for anyone suddenly being done by ten, fifteen or twenty people in the course of a night, it is quite the eye opener. hearing the same lines, the same attitude and perspective, is a pretty amazing thing. Gives a reality check very quickly. Anyone can write a song. Writing a song that has commercial value, says the ":same thing, yet in a different way" finding the different angle on it, is very different. And as anyone who has listened to the radio lately knows, MOST ALL OF IT SOUNDS THE SAME. So if you are a newbie, trying to get yourself out there, you better be BETTER than what is already out there. Harder to do than most people realize. Usually, as a critiquer, if you find that SPECIAL person, you are going to contact them, ask to hear other songs, get to know them. And this is the key. This is a PEOPLE business, and songs are a by product of that. Like dating and marraige, you are not going to just jump into business with anyone. Dealing with egos, out of control bad habits, complete idiots, or just plain difficult to get along with people, is something nobody has time for. So there is going to be an involved process of getting to know someone before you start getting involved with their music. The co-writing credit issue is something that should be discussed with the participants. Most credible people in the industry will not ask for anything they didn't earn. If they are, then they generally are not credible, or they might think it is so important they want to be involved in it. And having a well known entity put their "stamp of approval" on something might make the difference in a song rising through the pile of contenders to the top of the heap. Not always, but sometimes. Again, has to be taken on a case by case basis. And of course, their are sharks out there, but most of those really just want to get the most money for the least effort. So actually being involved with something to them, might be a liability. Being a part owner of a really mediocre song does no one any good. I hope this helps shine some light on the situation. Good luck to all of you and I'm around if you need. MAB
  7. 4 points
    Hello again Mike, Although I believe this piece is totally unrealistic I like the sentiment. Not too long ago we were inching toward hell at 3 mph, but in the past 20 years we have been siding down an icy mountain at 100 mph. Who's going to hit the brakes? The corporations which own this country would never allow a revolution. Besides, we have been intentionally divided into small groups so that the proletariat can argue and fight amongst themselves as a diversion tactic by the assholes that own this country. Even when we vote, we are only exchanging one crook for another. I don't mean to rain on your parade as I do enjoy your writing. I'm sure that you will find many people out there who belive that it is still possible to salvage what is left of our once great country, so it will appeal to them. I suppose it doesn't hurt to be optimistic. A few suggestions. Please feel free to use or discard any or all of them. Cheers, jim Passengers (version 2.1) V1 Every day another revolution - Everyday we threaten revolution Men in charge not seeking solutions - Men in charge have their own solution Only thinking of themselves Meanwhile the common man sweats Doing his best, no chance to rest Completely overwhelmed Ch Are we passengers - Watching the world go by Only passengers Until the day we die V2 Greedy men driven by ambition - Wicked men driven by greed No concern for the human condition - With no concern for human need It’s not what they care about We must awaken before the fall Listen to the warnings, heed the call Remove every doubt Chorus Br Let’s make a resolution Start a cultural resolution - Start a cultural revolution Correct the past errors - Make them pay for the past - It is impossible to correct the sins of the past. "errors" is far too weak of a word to use here. Make this world better - Maybe then the world can last V3 This world’s gone absurd - Everything has turned absurd - absurd doesn't work in this context. Perhaps, berserk. But we still need to be heard Can’t be afraid Don’t just go along for the ride Have to give it a try Before it’s too late Chorus
  8. 4 points
    I wrote this song about a year ago, and this is a brand new recording...sadly somewhat auto- biographical. ANY feedback is welcomed...especially the mix...Reaper's killing me. The words are on Soundcloud. Thanks in advance. Chaz https://soundcloud.com/charles-silhan/some-day
  9. 4 points
    One of the earlier pieces I've written. I've tweaked it recently to try to tighten it up some but maybe i'm too attached to it to look at it subjectively anymore. (Before anyone notices and points it out: I'll freely admit that of the dozen-ish lyrics I've written, thematically, there's only about 3 different lyrics: irredeemable bastard, melancholy lost love, and then one relatively happy song :-b I'll attempt to work on that LOL Never really nailed down a genre for this... i just hear a guitar most of the time Burning Bridges © Zach Tibbett, 2014 verse1 Starin’ at the stars, sharin Boones on the hood Two kids in the night thinkin we’re badder than we should’ve Your impatience was a cherry bomb, I just lit the match and hell, it didnt take long for the fuse to catch we were in over our heads in the back of my Nova ...back before we knew that summer was over.. verse2 You stole my Bic to light your Lucky I stole a kiss but I knew you’d let me. Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers an’ smoke, call me crazy... You tried playin’ it cool pullin’ petals off’a daisies. I whispered ‘I Love You’ but i lost it to the wind an’ wouldn’a saved a damn thing in the end. chorus These ol’ memories are itchin like a new tattoo but nothin was ever just skin deep with you.. We said it was right but, Sugar, we were wrong Just a summertime fling that flew far too long. We coulda cried from the smolderin' edges but it’d just be water under burnin' bridges. verse3 That summer was a cigarette we burnt straight to the filter, – maybe it got to be a habit but no one likes a quitter. We were just two kids in a Chevy, didnt know we needed savin’ said we were in love but maybe we were just playin’ Couldn’t tell ya how we got that way But I guess Rome wasn’t burnt in a day chorus The truest words ever sung Youth is wasted on the young We said it was right but i guess, baby, we were wrong. Just a summertime fling that flew far too long... We coulda cried from the smolderin' edges but it’d just be water under burnin' bridges. refrain We never got it right – but god damn, we never felt wrong… We never did learn, just danced to the same damn song. We were just cryin from the smolderin' edges it’s water under burnin' bridges... water under burnin' bridges
  10. 4 points
    Copyright © 2017 Tennyson Road Music I bought a place in a little town in Alabam And I tried my very darnest to fit in Their ways seemed pretty strange to a Canuck (But we're pretty weird ourselves, so I can't talk) Met a waitress in the bar who they called Mabel She came over, set a bottle on my table But when I asked her for a glass to hold my beer She said "We frown on that sort of thing 'round here" We frown on that sort of thing 'round here Better ditch your fancy ways and switch your gears You city slickers think you're debonair But we frown on that sort of thing 'round here I asked around and soon I had a job And I made a few suggestions to my boss He said "Son, those sound like really good ideas!" "But we frown on that sort of thing 'round here" We frown on that sort of thing 'round here Better ditch your fancy ways and switch your gears We'll never change - we've been like this for years And we frown on that sort of thing 'round here My, how time flies by Soon their funny ways were mine I left behind my city days So don't be surprised when you hear me say Hey! We frown on that sort of thing 'round here Better ditch your fancy ways and switch her down a couple of gears We'll never change - we've been like this for years, and years And we frown on that sort of thing This town don't need no city bling! We frown on that sort of thing 'round here!
  11. 4 points
    Of course he doesn't live under these conditions. Neither do I, because Paul and I are both Canadians where we have (drum roll please) gun control!
  12. 3 points
    Latest Version is at the top. One more last-minute change: "cheesy motel" becomes "sleazy motel." We're going to record this soon, and I will post a link to the demo. Thanks, all! Revisions: Removed references to Walkin' Money till further into the lyric, in this case, the last line of V2, right before the Chorus. More details about what's going on in the relationship to make her decide it's time to Walk. I agonized over the Bridge that Donna suggested could be stronger, but I just plain like this one, and it fits with the music perfectly. Walkin' Money Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018 V1 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, and I think now I know where He thinks I’m too clueless to check his cell Or the credit card bill for that sleazy motel V2 I’m the kind of woman who takes care of herself No man of mine’s puttin’ me on the shelf Love’s turned ugly and it’s time to get out Glad I got some money in my secret account Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door Cause I’ve had enough, I won’t take any more I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can Now my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan V3 Cash at the ready gets me down the road I can buy a new life in a new zip code Find If I find a new man in a shiny new place And I'll still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door Cause I’ve had enough, I won’t take any more I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can Now my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan Bridge: The day has come and I’m D-U-N done Gonna grab my cash, take the money and run Instr. Chorus Walkin’ Money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door Cause I’ve had enough, I won’t take any more I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can Now my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hi, Another revision, based on many of the comments here. Flipped V1 & V2 (per Donna's suggestion) and I hope it works better. And I tried to make it clear that this woman is fed up and is leaving NOW. She's really glad she stashed away some Walkin' Money so she can get out. Mike: The Chorus is now ALL about the singer and her Walkin' Money. Still working on the Bridge. The "D-U-N Done" part is an expression the female vocalist uses, and when I heard her say it one day, I thought I just HAD to put it in this lyric. Walkin' Money Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018 V1 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, and I think I know where I had a funny feeling and lucky for me My backup cash is gonna set me free V2 Our love’s turned sideways and it’s time to get out I’ll use the extra money in my secret account I set aside some funds for a rainy day So I can buy a ticket, make my getaway Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan Instr V3 Cash at the ready gets me down the road I can buy a new life in a new zip code Find a new man in a shiny new place And still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan Instr. Bridge: The day has come and I’m D-U-N done I’m gonna grab my cash, take the money and run Instr. Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door Cause I’ve had enough, I can’t take any more I’ve stayed with my man as long as I can And my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan _______________________________________________________________________________________________ Hi, I chose "Walkin' Money" for the title, and have revised the lyric to keep it more focused, and showcase the hook more. The music will be a Rockabilly style with lots of attitude. Walkin' Money Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2018 V1 If love turns sideways and I gotta get out I’ll grab my Walkin’ Money from my secret account I funneled off some funds for a rainy day So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway V2 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, and I think I know where But I’ve got my Walkin’ Money waiting for me My backup stash of cash is gonna set me free Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more I’ll stay with my man as long as I can But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan V3 Cash at the ready gets me down the road I can buy a new life in a new zip code ’f I find a new man in my shiny new place I’ll still keep some Walkin’ Money, just in case Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more I’ll stay with my man as long as I can But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan Bridge: If the day comes when I’m D-U-N done I’m gonna grab my cash, take the money and run Chorus Walkin’ money is a girl’s best friend Tucked away safe and ready to spend Walkin’ Money gets me out the door When I’ve had enough and can’t take any more I’ll stay with my man as long as I can But my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan Yeah, my Walkin’ Money is my back-up plan ___________________________________________________________________________ Here is a revised version, with the verses reworked in First Person (idea from Mike.) Held off on the hook till the Chorus (Paul.) Completely stole a line from Kuya. Revised the Bridge with thoughts from SongWolfe, Zritch and Jim. And even took some advice from myself and tweaked a few other things. Original post is below this one, as well as a slightly different version retitled "Walkin' Money." Which do you think is the better choice? Just in Case Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 Our love’s turnin’ sideways and I have to get out I need my own money to bring it about I saved a bunch of cash for a rainy day So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway V2 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where He saunters in midnight with that look on his face He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan Just-in-case money, just in case In a safe place, honey, just in case V3 We pooled our money when we started this thing But I had a feeling what the future might bring I set aside some pocket money just for me My private stash of walkin’ money set me free Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan Just-in-case money, just in case In a safe place, honey, just in case Bridge If he’s not the one And you’re D-U-N DONE Grab your cash Take your money and run Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan Just-in-case money, just in case In a safe place, honey, just in case Walkin’ Money Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 Our love’s turnin’ sideways and I have to get out I need my own bank account to bring it about I saved a bunch of bucks for a rainy day So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway V2 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where He saunters in midnight with that look on his face He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan In a safe place, honey, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case V3 We combined our cash when we started this thing But I had a feeling what the future might bring I set aside some pocket change just for me My private stash of walkin’ money set me free Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan In a safe place, honey, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Bridge If he’s not the one And you’re D-U-N DONE Grab your cash Take your money and run Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan In a safe place, honey, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Hi, I'm resurrecting an old lyric I put on the shelf. This is definitely country, tongue-in cheek, for a female vocalist. Crazy guitar riffs in there, too. Designed to be a rollickin' crowd-pleaser. Just in Case Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 When love turns sideways and you’re feelin’ trapped A lack of cash is a handicap Get some just-in-case money, just in case So you can buy your ticket out and make your getaway V2 Your man’s liftin’ weights and dyein’ his hair He's workin’ late and he’s never there Grab your just-in-case money, just in case So you can kiss that man goodbye and get outta this place Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan It’s just-in-case money, just in case Just in case, honey, just in case V3 You need to make sure that you’ll be okay So take your time, plan your rainy day You’ve got just-in-case money, just in case So if he does you wrong, you’re gone, and you don’t have to stay Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan It’s just-in-case money, just in case Just in case, honey, just in case Bridge: You gotta invest so you can leave the nest Buy yourself the latitude To grab your coat and hat-itude Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan It’s just-in-case money, just in case Just in case, honey, just in case
  13. 3 points
    I'll never get why people obsess over what they find offensive instead of indulging in what they find pleasurable. Maybe they find pleasure in being offended? IDK. Peace
  14. 3 points
    I don't think any of us have a right not to be offended. I do think we have a right to feed back to those giving offence (and they have a right to ignore our feedback or to take it on board). We also have a right to ignore offensive material and not comment at all (which is sometimes the most wounding feedback of all).
  15. 3 points
    The style of this screams punk to me, not rap. For rap, you'd need more sophisticated rhyme scheme unless you're trying for old school. Punk is also more amenable to the heavy handedness (or directness, if you prefer) of the lyrics. As far as the message... though of the liberal persuasion personally, I too think the accusation of racism is often tossed out too casually. Problem is, it's also dismissed just as casually... if not moreso. This reticence of self reflection demarcates what could be a bit of a Rosetta Stone to bridge the seemingly binary ideological standoff from merely the same tired knee-jerk reactionary straw man arguments the p.o.v. wants to bury his head in. Eg. That "so you think that all lives should matter" is so obtuse to the actual argument, and this fact pointed out so many times it can only be reasonably interpreted that those who share this talking point are willfully trying to obscure or deny the message of the mantra from which it derives. Point being, it's easy pointing out the other's hypocrisies (especially when you straw man their positions) but much more difficult (and yet fruitful) to find your own. This song will work fine, in a generic way, for rallying those who agree with you and for annoying those that don't - but if you want to achieve art, dig deeper.
  16. 3 points
    Perfectly sums up what's going on right now. Brilliant piece of social commentary. Best piece of art I've come across in awhile. Good work. Dan
  17. 3 points
  18. 3 points
    Not bad at all! It takes guts to post your first lyric or song. You did it! The next ones will be easier and easier. I think the circus theme was a brilliant idea. I’ll let someone else make suggestions, and I will just say welcome to the forums and please don’t hesitate to submit entries in the monthly contests and vote in the monthly and end of year lyric, song, and 1+1 song contests currently underway. There’s a lot of talented people here and I’ve learned a lot, and you will too if you stick around and participate. Follow some lyrics of others and watch the editing process as it unfolds. Read the advice from other lyrics that have been given feedback. Welcome Art!
  19. 3 points
    Here's a psychedelic demo, made with very limited resources. Please let me know your thoughts! Hey old bicycle how do you feel man hey old bicycle what are you up to I wanna be your accent something you can't escape from child of mine attack them from cloud 9 you veto hey old bicycle what are you up to Hey old bicycle how do you feel man You were the fire inside him now he's eloped and fallen christ on the cross i'm sorry had to leave in a hurry I gave you the benefit of the doubt I gave you the benefit of the doubt you gave me a story we'd live with out now i'm feeling strange all deranged You love me the way you love a car you've got to go pretty far just to get the milage out of one now i'm feeling like i'm all done hey old bicycle how do you feel man hey old bicycle what are you up to hey old bicycle what you doing now
  20. 3 points
    I think the rhymes are fine. There's a bit loss of focus on the message... v1 starts off well but then it switches from talking about you in the singular to your relationship with another in the chorus, back to just you in v2, to everyone in the bridge, and finally back to just you in v3. This theoretically could work but I don't see the reasoning or connective tissue for change. They seem like completely different topics. I'd keep the verses but the chorus and especially the bridge don't do much for me. Sidenote- would fog roll in when it's raining?
  21. 3 points
    How We Won the Series Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 I said Forever You said yes Whether we would make it Was anybody’s guess V2 Two eager rookies Plenty uh spark We lunged at the pitch and Hit it out of the park Chorus So how’d we win the series? We didn’t have a clue All we had was the fever And a promise to be true We suited up and took a chance Played our hearts out, found romance V3 In love with the game Itchin’ to play We started a streak That’s still goin’ today V4 Never missed practice Good at bat Signed a long-term contract And never looked back Chorus So how’d we win the series? We didn’t have a clue All we had was the fever And a promise to be true We suited up and took a chance Played our hearts out, found romance Bridge You’re the reason We had a great season I’d sign up again If you say you’re in Chorus So how’d we win the series? We didn’t have a clue All we had was the fever And a promise to be true We suited up and took a chance Played our hearts out, found romance It’s every player’s dream Hooray for our team!
  22. 3 points
    A little dark humour to lift your festive spirits.. Christmas Will Be the Death of Us Copyright © 2017 Tennyson Road Music Racing through malls buying presents and stuff Breaking the bank for the ones that we love We'll never repay all the debt we ring up Christmas will be the death of us Turkey, potatoes and gravy and booze Gain all this weight we're expected to lose I'm not complaining, just singing the truth: Christmas will be the death of us [ch] Christmas will be the death of us It's bound to take down the best of us But not before making a mess of us Christmas will be.. The death of us! Drag the tree in, needles pepper the floor Can't find the trimmings, quick - back to the store! We might not be ready, but one thing's for sure: Christmas will be the death of us Christmas will be the death of us It's bound to take down the best of us But not before making a mess of us Christmas will be.. The death of us! bridge There's only one way to prevent our demise If we could just re-invent it, perhaps we'll survive 'Cause Christmas was meant to bring LOVE to our lives So this craziness better let up, Otherwise... Christmas will be the death of us It's bound to take down the best of us And it's certain to be curtains for the rest of us Christmas will be.. Just you wait and see.. Christmas will be.. "So long" you and me Christmas will be.. And Rudolf makes three Yes, Christmas will mean our exodus And Christmas will be.. The death of us!!
  23. 3 points
    Arius - Not a big fan of this one, but think you can do a lot to make it stronger. (For me) this was a little confusing. It's almost like there are two different voices or perspectives going on at the same time within this piece. Consider keeping it the same. Either have it as a narrator or use first person and completely do this from the female perspective about her feelings on this guy's death which sound kind of guilty. Why "Love Me Like I'm Already Dead" ? Is this the same as trying to say, you don't know what you've got till it's gone? If you didn't love somebody while they were alive why would you do it when they were dead unless the perspective (which is it?) doesn't realize until after the person is gone how much it was he meant to her? There's got to be a better way to say this, but I suspect the title is an original you'll probably keep. Regardless, these are my thoughts. Keep or sweep away the comments as best they can help you.
  24. 3 points
    I've been working on this one a long time. It's hard for me to step back and see it critically. That Moon Again c There’s that moon again. Followed me all the way home. Acting like some long lost friend, There’s that moon again v Redwing Blackbird sittin’ on a fence; His whole life makes perfect sense. Eat when you can, sing when you might, Fly all day; sleep all night. v Old red truck chugging down the road, Bent and swayed from a long gone load. Bouncing and bucking and colored in rust, Still it's able to kick up dust. v I used to have a dog, a dog named Ted, He only had one trick, lying in bed. I used to yell at Ted to get out of my way. When old Ted died I cried all day. v Ain’t much a man can count upon, But that old moon keeps crawling along. Not quite Heaven, but plenty far, Me and that moon are just what we are. c There’s that moon again, Followed me all the way home. Acting like some long lost friend, There’s that moon again.
  25. 3 points
    Hi SnarkyAnarky & Kerry, Thanks for the feedback. I am not a musician in any sense of the word. It may be a bit of a hinderance writing lyrics but I still know what I like and what sounds good. I depend on people such as Kerry to pick up the nuances that I can't. This is a collaborative effort, and George is still looking for a lead guitarist. I'm not sure that I'm sold on the vocals. I was hoping to hear more emphasis on "can't do this anymore", rather than "say goodbye". I will be reposting changes to this piece as it progresses. Please keep an eye out. Thank you both very much for your comments. SA, thanks for taking the time to post a couple of YouTube videos. Very helpful. Cheers, Jim
  26. 3 points
    Little Big Lies I was determined to finish a demo every month, the competition gives me the kick up the jacksy I need to get things finished so was determined to get something done in time. And then I got sick last week and could barely talk, let alone try and raise my terrible dulcet tones to anything listenable. But I kinda like this song, and was starting to feel good about it until the germs invaded. So this morning, still not really recovered I thought I might as well give it a go - so excuse the voice, i would rather have something done so I can get feedback than not really know. Anyway, I have no desire to be a singer, I just want to improve my songwriting and get my songs "out there", and the feedback I get here will help me decide what songs are worth spending money at Airgigs to get someone to sing them for me... I hope someone enjoys this one, It is really about fatherhood I guess. Cheers. Little Big Lies When you look where my life went wrong You might think I would be more strong The apple fell and was kicked away But no-one guessed it was saved for a day Or a night I took a bite when we met And I should be, thanking the world for all I can But little big lies, fall from the skies, Sting like the rain on best laid plans Little big lies, rain on me Look at you with the old man's smile You've no need for the past to while Such a force that flows through your veins All the memories, all the pain Dodge the rain Live a life for yourself. And I should be, thanking the world for all I can But little big lies, fall from the skies, Sting like the rain on best laid plans Little big lies, rain on me Three to four, sat on the floor Lies that weigh me down Six to eight, it's getting late Smile turns to a frown No-one move, I’m here to prove My soul is worth a save I can't wait, won't hesitate We'll ride out on this wave Let's take a walk down to Baldwin Bay We'll set sail for a brand new day Future's yours Kick the apple away And I should be, thanking the world for all I can But little big lies, fall from the skies, Sting like the rain on best laid plans Little big lies, rain on me Little big lies, fall on me Little big lies, rain on me Little big lies, fall on me Little big lies that once bound me
  27. 3 points
    Don't cave to the patriarchy. I don't see every straight male here footnoting their gender perspective.
  28. 3 points
    Hello, Any feedback at all is appreciated! Spare me form the motion turning endlessly you say your soul is easy to feed but when the autumn colours fade inspiration can bleed Way out in the darkness burn out in the streets you say there's charm in living carefree on the dark and gloomy days i'll be ripe to survive in an awkward kind of way i feel ready to fly bring out the heart in me some air to breathe I'm chasing trails to no relief we're stuck in a fantasy I'm trying so hard to leave daylight kicks me out of jaded sanctuary set my sights so eagerly but when the tide is forming waves and it's starting to rise it's awful long to wait till a quarter to five on the dark and gloomy days I'll be ripe to survive in an awkward kind of way I feel ready to fly
  29. 3 points
    Love Moans I get the shivers Down deep in my spine My body’s twitching Been waiting a long time so long Ch: I can see it in your eyes I can feel it in my bones Just you and me tonight Making love Love love love Love moans V2: My feet are dancing Don’t need no music I found that feeling Never Don't want to lose it Ch: I can see it in your eyes I can feel it in my bones Just you and me tonight Making love Love love love Love moans Br: Been sitting in a bubble Just waiting to burst Waiting for it to burst You hold the pin Come on baby come quench my thirst. be my first Ch: I can see it in your eyes I can feel it in my bones Just you and me tonight Making love Love love love Love moans. Posted July 1 · Report post
  30. 3 points
    Lyrics and Melody: Eric Borgos Music and Vocals: Chris Davidson Verse 1: The smell of pancakes wafting through a diner sunrise walks up on a mountain high Hotel bars and battle scar reminders to soar we all must slowly learn to fly Chorus: Back on the highway again city lights and stars ignite in a show that never ends That's where I'm free that's where I'm me Back on the highway again Verse 2: The cattle stare out over their fences there's a will to roam that can not be denied A wise man says it's all about the journey buckle up my friend and please enjoy the ride Chorus: Back on the highway again city lights and stars ignite in a show that never ends That's where I'm free that's where I'm me Back on the highway again Bridge: Not all who wander are lost some walk up to a line and know it must be crossed A world of adventure new seeds left to be sowed on the open road Chorus: Back on the highway again city lights and stars ignite in a show that never ends That's where I'm free that's where I'm me Back on the highway again
  31. 3 points
    This one had been sitting in my desk drawer since spring or possibly last year! Found it earlier this week - I already had chords written down next to lines, and must have brought it into work to try to write some more lines. I've added to the bridge, but line 3 of the bridge is a filler, need something better. Could not come up with anything last night. I'm guessing that I wanted a 3rd verse, too, but nothing springs to mind, as I think this song will rely as much on the music as the lyrics. What I can do for an outro is unclear, too, although repeating the bridge is a possibility. Slow Time Down V1 Second after second, all goes by so fast Things that just happened are now far in the past What we thought was forever, now is gone Life seems like a one act play, now it’s done Ch Seconds turn to minutes turn to hours turn to days Months turn into years, all lost in the haze Time seems all wrong, everything’s out of phase Wish I could slow time down Slow time down Wish I could slow time down V2 It’s no fun to look back on all the regrets Painful memories, easier to forget But there were good times, more than just a few Filled with love and happiness, me and you Ch Br Looking for an answer that can’t be found As the world keeps going round (and round….) Afraid to break the silence, make a sound Time’s slowing winding down (and down….) (Lead) Ch
  32. 3 points
    man, what'd those triangles ever do to you, you shapist! LOL also, you're a better man than me for avoiding a line about a square peg and a round hole... cute and silly - probably fun to write
  33. 3 points
    Seeds I was six years old when my Opa passed away I peered into the casket as he lay there cold and gray He looked so different with his mouth all sewn up closed They did his make-up wrong, and he smelled of chemicals Please don't embalm me, when it's me who's finally died Don't paint my face up or fill my veins with formaldehyde You can keep my meat fresh with dry ice and essential oils Until you're ready to return me to the soil And feed the earth with my body All the blood and the guts that made me me Embrace the beauty of rotting We are nothing but seeds The pews were agony at my Opa's funeral My suit was itchy, and my shoes were too small The sermon was boring, then the organ wheezed and sighed My dad had coffee breath, and I wished I was outside What I want is a festival; a celebration of all life Djembes, and shakers; humans dancing in the night Host a potluck at a friend's house, if you cannot be outside Sing songs of comfort, and hold each other while you cry Feed the earth with my body All the blood and the guts that made me me Embrace the beauty of rotting We are nothing but seeds My Opa's body was buried in a coffin made of pine At our current rate of progress, it'll outlast humankind And I say he was buried, but I'm taking that on faith; We draped his box with flowers, turned around and walked away Lay me down in a blanket, in a hole dug in the earth Toss the soil down on me, as I lay dead in the dirt Then let the worms have at me, making good use of my bones Come back in the springtime; I’m in the flowers that have grown Feed the earth with my body All the blood and the guts that made me me Embrace the beauty of rotting We are nothing but seeds We are nothing but seeds We are nothing but seeds
  34. 3 points
    Hi folks, I would like to submit this with my music, but I am having trouble figuring out how to home record on the cheap and can't seem to get rid of the white noise from my laptop! This is a waltz. Maybe it could pass off as a sea chanty? Though he was a flatlander, I imagine someone with a voice like Levon Helm (RIP) singing it. Anyway, this is a song I wrote about my experience as a young man working on a lobstering boat off the coast of Maine and learning to respect the ocean. Sometimes we could get stuck out on the ocean in a squall. On the Rocky ©2017 J. B. Mack On the rocky mighty rocky o'er the crests and the troughs White caps breakin' was "Ten foot crests and" Hauler's shakin' was "It's arresting" As you churn in the froth was "'drenaline is aroused" There's a rhythm If you give in Slow and steady timed waltz Join the lady, mother ocean and her perfume of salts Your sea legs are conditioning Your senses are awake The wind whips your face raw was "The sounds, smells and scenery" It's all you can take.... Mind the warp on The deck son It can catch on your boot Don't forget the old story 'Bout Jim Papineau Rubbed his eyes In his collar For only a sec When the warp took his ankle And he flew off the deck The pot drug him down He left bubbles behind It’s a damn well good thing Had his knife at the time.... Instrumental On the rocky mighty rocky Mother spits and she spews Grin and bear it Show your reverence To her bewitching blues was "To her beauteous blues" There's a rhythm If you give in It's a maritime waltz was "It's a “maritimed” waltz" Join the lady, mother ocean and her perfume of salts Your sea legs are conditioning Your senses are awake The gulls all took cover was "The sounds, smells and scenery" It's all you can take.... She's a’ rocky, mighty rocky Got her ups and her downs She's a’ rocky, mighty rocky Mind you don't run aground She's a’ rocky, mighty rocky She’s a’ rocky, not flat She's a’ rocky, don’t be cocky Hang onto your hat Hang onto your hat Hang onto your hat
  35. 3 points
    Don't think I ever got around to posting this lyric. It was written in April. The context to this one is that febkebab had suggested that we use this site, http://www.noiseaddicts.com/2009/03/random-band-name-cover-album to generate a band name and an album title. I got Jewell Valley as my band name and 'The most honest response' as my album title. I think the idea was to then go on and create a lyric from the album title but nothing ever came of that as a contest theme. Anyway, I took my generated words. amended it slightly and this is the result The most honest reply (Verse 1) Amongst the blood and the gore The futile screams of pain, Betwixt the noise and the silence I feel it again. The shift in the landscape All co-ordinates changed, As the heart-beats drum out And we test out a name. (Pre Chorus) In a hospital ward From the end of a cord Cut Our baby held skin to skin. On a hard-backed chair Cold truths laid bare But Our brave new world begins. (Chorus) Sometimes tears don't come to my eyes It don't mean I don't want to cry, You ask how I am And "I don't know’s” the most honest reply. (Verse 2) Wars are fought Scars are forged But we should wear them with pride, Sleepless nights As Illness bites We stand guard until first light. (Pre Chorus) In a hospital ward Charting marks on a board Tied To the end of a bed. On a hard-backed chair As we suck in the air Hide Down that sense of dread. (Chorus) Sometimes tears don't come to my eyes It don't mean I don't want to cry, You ask how I am And "I don't know’s” the most honest reply. (Bridge) There for them when they share their laughter There for them in their moments of disaster We're there for them as they enter this world We'll be there for them ever after. (Chorus) Sometimes tears don't come to my eyes It don't mean I don't want to cry, You ask how I am And "I don't know’s” the most honest reply.
  36. 3 points
    Still working on putting it to music but I'd love to get some feedback on the lyrics. Thanks! Outer Space Girl - Acoustic/Indie/Rock <Verse 1 - 145 BPM> <Acoustic Guitar and singer only> G D Am C G D Camping in the forest, a star filled night Am C Playing my guitar, saw a blinding light G D A beam hit me, and pulled me up Am C I wish I knew, what the hell was up G D As the light faded, and you appeared Am C A Outer Space Girl, came into the clear <Bring in Drums, Electric lead, Keyboard and Bass> G D Your ship took off, for a space flight Am C Looking at you, was love at first sight G D We traveled the stars together Am C Light years passed, it seemed forever G D We kissed and fell in love in space Am C I was your first, from the human race <1st Pre-chorus> G D Your mom came by and tore us apart Am C She said an earth boy, couldn't have your hearts G D She dropped me off, on the planet below Am C Threw me out, like a common UFO <1st chorus> G D Outer space girl, you abducted my heart Am C Your mamma's trying, keep us apart G D What we have is true Am C I'm searching the galaxy, looking for you <Verse 2> G D My heart was pumping, at the speed of light Am C I had to find out, how to catch a flight G D Googled build a space ship, got zero results Am C Asked on face book, All I got was insults G D Tried the space program, Got rejected as a loon Am C Went to ask Spock, turns out he's marooned <bridge> egacd power chords - drop to 90 bpm - Space Oddity Style Countdown E5 G5 If was ever gonna find you 10 A5 C5 - D5 I had to do something bold 9 E5 G5 hired my friend Scotty 8 A5 C5 - D5 It cost my entire bankroll 7 E5 G5 We drove the east coast corridor 6 A5 C5 - D5 All night down to Florida 5 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. <big ride cymbal build during this line> we jacked the space shuttle yo!! <Big Guitar solo while the next 4 lines are Belted out over it with backup singers - 160 BPM> E5 G5 Scotty give it all its got! A5 C5 - D5 I gotta find my sexy space girl! E5 G5 Scotty give it all its got! A5 C5 - D5 I gotta find my sexy space girl! <2nd chorus> G D Outer space girl, you abducted my heart! Am C Your mamma's trying, keep us apart! G D What we have is true Am C I'm searching the galaxy, looking for you! <third verse - back to 145 BPM - Bring down the energy starting at "light years have... "> G D I searched Venus, Jupiter and Mars Am C Even hung out, in the Cantina bar G D Searched the Galaxy, far and wide Am C Went to Neptune, I almost fried G D Light years have, passed on by Am C Scotty has all, but died G D Now I sit here, out of fuel Am C on a distant star, like a fool <drums and bass drop here.. just acoustic, singer and pad> G D Playing my guitar, in this bar Am C thinking I mighta, gone too far G D Maybe this song, will find you Am C Still searching the galaxy, looking for you Let G ring out...
  37. 3 points
    This is really cute and clever. Can be a fun little song. Personally I like letting us know right up front you're in the car driving... just some ideas for the 1st verse. Every day I drive through It's those sparkling blue eyes I can't wait to hear you say Want a coke with those fries
  38. 3 points
    Honestly, I'd be stunned if you actually had the balls to post a lyric for critique instead of always pointing out what you believe to be (with your self proclaimed informed opinion) mistakes others make with the things they say. Here we go folks. Get out the violins.
  39. 3 points
    Leaves Without a Tree ©2017 Robert George BMI Leaves without a tree Sail the wind and celebrate their liberty But the rinds of freedom are their only fruits Now that they’ve renounced their father and their roots Leaves without a tree Fight amongst their own and never will agree So they scatter north and south and east and west As if chaos was the reason for their quest With’ring on the scorching sand and pebbles For ingratitude tolls a heavy fee One more faction of abandoned rebels Slowly becoming leaves without a tree Leaves without a tree Gather near an oak that’s motionless yet free They enrich that mighty oak’s surrounding soil Its own leaves grow verdant from remaining loyal Ev’ry heart who’s lacking roots resembles What a river achieves without the sea When alone at night his freedom trembles Like a small pile of leaves without a tree Leaves without a tree Sail the wind and celebrate their liberty…
  40. 3 points
    I think Bernie Sanders put it well. I have just been informed that the alleged shooter at the Republican baseball practice is someone who apparently volunteered on my presidential campaign. I am sickened by this despicable act. Let me be as clear as I can be. Violence of any kind is unacceptable in our society and I condemn this action in the strongest possible terms. Real change can only come about through nonviolent action, and anything else runs against our most deeply held American values. My hopes and prayers are that Representative Scalise, congressional staff and the Capitol Police Officers who were wounded make a quick and full recovery. I also want to thank the Capitol Police for their heroic actions to prevent further harm. https://www.facebook.com/berniesanders/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED&fref=nf Violence of any kind is unacceptable. I think there is much to protest about, but violent protest simply breeds violence and will not bring about anything good in a democracy.
  41. 3 points
    Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys. I was afraid that this one would be confusing, and it's worse than I thought. All the parts are very connected, from the falling star through the "come hither" to "am I beauty?". Problem is, I wrote it too much in my head, and not enough in print. So while it describes itself perfectly, it barely explains itself at all. Thus it might as well be a Dio lyric. Bank on me rewriting it to fix that. John, thanks. :-) "Shout" wasn't in your post, it was only "out", so I couldn't be entirely sure what you meant. fabkebab, the music is supposed to range from beautiful semi-mellow to drop-tuned metal brutality. Prolly no shock there. It's meant to be a mini-epic. (Full disclosure: it's meant to be a "fan favorite", if I ever have fans.) It uses 3 tempos, of which about 120 is the fastest. There's a slow dust-settling part. SongWolfe, yep, "come hither" is archaic. That's exactly why I put it in there, in place of what was there before. It'll make sense when I rewrite the lyric to make sense. Not a single person yet has really understood it, and that is completely my fault. SnarkyAnarky, nice handle!! You might like "Problem With Authority" if I ever get around to tracking and posting it. Medium to slow tempo. The shorter lines are an extended bridge at the fastest of the 3 tempos it uses. Ron99, thx!! Not necessarily a "beautiful" ending, tho. Just a "brilliant" one. A flourish. My extended bridge keeps the theme, but I wrote it all so confusingly that no one has any way of catching that. Have problem - will fix. LyriCAL, not the end of the world, just.... Guys, I promise I will fix this so it makes sense. That's why I'm not explaining it now. It needs to explain itself. I will post the new version soon as it exists. Thanks, all of you!! :-)
  42. 3 points
    When we begin to view these aberrations and atrocities as trite and trivial, discounting the absolute horror and savagery of them, that is when we ourselves have become trite and trivial, fully disconnected from compassion, empathy and our own humanity.
  43. 3 points
    Well like I said at the top it's not usually my thing either but it was only when we went to the memorial that I felt compelled to write something because it was such a powerful experience. What can I say, perhaps you had to be there. Anyway if you even read the lyrics I would say they are not trite at all and I've tried to steer away from that. I've focused on the positivity felt around the city, how it seems to unite every one. Something I'm very proud of. Nobody's looking for sympathy around here except for those directly involved, who we all feel for. My guess is you read the first bit, realised it was about an atrocity, thought not another one, and then passed your little judgement
  44. 3 points
    Yeah, too bad the white Christian got him first.
  45. 3 points
    I know without music this is a tedious read - what with the repeating lines, but I think it works with the music I have written. The format is a challenge because you really only have two lines per verse to tell the story. Please let me know where it needs improvement in doing that and I thank you in advance The Devil Lady The county put a price on my head The county put a price on my head They didn't much care if I's alive or dead When the county put a price on my head The Sheriff want to see me hung The Sheriff want to see me hung The Devil Lady told him I'm a murderous thug So the Sheriff want to see me hung But I saw her kill her lover man I saw her kill her lover man I saw him fall, I saw the blood in her hand When I saw her kill her lover man [br} So I ran And I ran And I ran But that cop Wouldn't stop Until.. I.. was.. caught. They called her in to testify They called her in to testify I sat there waitin' for her treacherous lies When they called her in to testify But the devil lady changed her song The devil lady changed her song The devil lady saved me gettin' strung up at dawn When the devil lady changed her song Change her song... {instrumental to bridge} The devil lady asked me 'round The devil lady asked me 'round I shouldda known better, shouldda turned her down When the devil lady asked me 'round She locked me in a basement room She locked me in a basement room And every night I listen to her howl at the moon Since she locked me in a basement room I know she'll never set me free I know she'll never set me free I'd be better off swinging in that hickory tree Cause I know she'll never set me free Yeah, I dream I'm out there swayin' in that hickory tree.. But I know she'll never let me be...
  46. 3 points
    I wrote this last summer after having an old memory pop into my head. Thoughts? Kiss Beneath the Monkey Bars © 2016 Cindy Prince He was my first It was second grade He had freckles I had a braid He held my hand I shyly smiled My tiny heart Went madly wild Chorus Then he kissed me Beneath the monkey bars I saw fireworks I saw stars We both giggled Then looked away But I still remember That kiss today Someone saw us We both ran It seemed to be over Before it began But Mark had an idea And so he tried Next time he kissed me It was under the slide Repeat chorus Outro The fun, the innocence-those old monkey bars If I kissed him today-would I still see stars?
  47. 3 points
    I like the line, "Feels like we've been through a shredder." The rhyme scheme bounces off the first line well and feels slightly surprising. As a literary whole, however, this piece suffers from a capitulation to the obvious — a common problem of political protest songs. In other words, there isn't much here to chew on or to contemplate. Like a bag of chips versus a great meal. Great lyrics touch the heart in ways that aren't always easy to articulate. This piece scratches a surface itch — with a message so obvious that it borders on platitudinous. I'm not talking about your politics: this isn't a political forum and I couldn't care less what your message actually is. I'm talking strictly about the craft of lyricism. It's got potential. But to take this up a notch, and to dodge the vicissitudes of impatience in songwriting, i.e., what the student-poet chewing on his pencil at midnight often writes, I would suggest that you rework the lines that pander to the immediate. Don't be afraid of a few calculated ambiguities. It's worth it. To make your lyric — and your message — stronger, you should give your audience something that is both clever and worthy of contemplation.
  48. 3 points
    I’m happy to respond. However, let me preface my remarks by stating that these are my observations as they relate to your question. So do keep in mind that you requested people on this site to respond to your post. Additionally, don’t misconstrue my observations as an attack or disparagement of you. Rather, receive them as an honest and forthright response. Also know that I’m not looking for you to agree with or refute anything I say. Additionally, I will not involve myself in a long drawn out conversation regarding my statements nor will I respond to any further statements from you or anyone else regarding this post. Hopefully you will receive my thoughts and observations with an open mind and in a non-reactive manner. To begin, I think the problem is at the very least two-fold. Number one, I believe that you have done yourself somewhat of a disservice through the vigorous and aggressive manner in which you promote and defend your political and social views. It seems to me that you delight in stirring up the hornets’ nest by presenting your views in a manner that is intentionally meant to be controversial and to get a reaction...much like the above statement you posted. Your style of writing appears to be purposely passive aggressive, insulting and discounting (example: Perhaps those who are overly sensitive should accompany their posts with a tag line of "only positive comments are welcome.") and leaves little room for actual discussion or the moderate and friendly exchange of differing opinions. Personally I could care less what anyone’s political views are but it is apparent to me that you care quite a bit and will go out of your way to strongly, and as I have noticed at times, bullishly promote yours or defend them if you perceive that someone has a differing opinion than you do. Moving on... I have read many of your critiques and have been the recipient of some. I do find your critiques to be engaging, comical, insightful and frequently utterly mind-boggling. Your manner in presenting critiques is oftentimes brusque and clipped. You have cultivated a style in your presentation that is very off-putting. At times you seems to skim the surface of lyrics without delving into them... as if the “smell” of some of them cause you to recoil. It appears to me that you make snap judgements about lyrics you don’t understand and when a writer questions you or disagrees with something you may have said you tend to become both defensive and aggressive... a very unattractive trait to deal with for those seeking assistance. Also, I am often surprised by what I can only define as your “literalness.” Many times I have read a critique of yours where you discount a line or metaphor because you can’t conceive of it in the real world. Many lyrics live in the world of imagination and dreams and it seems to me that sometimes you have difficulty navigating that world. I will also clearly state that I have read some remarkably insightful and helpful critiques from you and have personally received some very kind and helpful suggestions. I will also say that I enjoy reading your comments, they make me laugh and remind me of things my older brother might say... he’s extraordinarily bull-headed but quite congenial when he chooses to be. As creative people we are all bound by a desire to express and explore our inner worlds and experiences. Many of us live emotionally precarious lives and are easily tipped over or off balance by events around us. An unkind word, a thoughtless slight or simply a lyric critique presented in manner that what we may perceive as hostile and belittling is frequently all it takes to make us hurt and doubt ourselves. I believe you are a good person with a good heart and that you are sincere in wanting to assist people on this site to become better writers. But sometimes, Barney, for reasons that only you know, I have witnessed through your comments a desire to strike out at people and to knowingly and intentionally say things that are calculated to hurt... and that is not a good thing. I can say these things because I have been guilty of them myself. There are words I’ve written to others that I regret. I have been coarse and insulting when I should have been supportive and helpful. I am here to learn, not to boost my ego at the expense of others... and this is a lesson I relearn day in and day out. You started out this post with the lines “Is it just me or have others noticed the sarcasm and outright arrogance in the responses by some whenever a real critique is posted on one of their creations...” and I would simply close with the thought that a “real” critique has many voices and many styles and that at the heart of it we are all striving to find our way, improve our skills and carry on. So, take a deep breath and do the best you can to be helpful, open and friendly, even in the face of adversity.
  49. 3 points
    It may have become obvious since I took over but, just in case it isn't, I thought I'd let you know that I have changed the guidelines to remove some parts that I felt censored us unnecessarily.. As you are likely aware, the site no longer replaces "bad words" - and hasn't done for a while. It never made much sense to me, was easy to circumvent and, sometimes, that word is EXACTLY the right word, so why not use it? I have also removed the old guideline about being "tasteful" (which was a euphemism for avoiding harder-edged stuff, I guess). I only ask that, if you want to post something that you think is "adult advisory" (another euphemism), you label it somehow (either in the title or in a tag). That way, if people are offended by such material, they can avoid it. Of course, with freedom comes responsibility, but I'm sure we are all aware that edgier material may attract edgier critiques - it's all feedback. The golden rule is that personal attacks (on artists OR on people offering feedback) is NOT OK, and never will be.
  50. 3 points
    I’m certainly no expert at deciphering the quality of lyrics or what works or doesn’t. I just go by what “speaks” to me and is relatable and seems like it’s written from a place of genuine truth and experience. I’ve read this lyric a number of times and in all honesty I couldn’t find a place within myself where it “speaks” to me. It’s like you came up with an idea for a clever hook and then labored to see how you could make it work... (I guess that’s what we all do to a greater and lesser extent in our lyrics.) But this lyric reads like it is way overworked and over-thought and that draws so much attention to the effort that it dilutes the flow of the lyric and the story, at least to me. It also reads very repetitive too, me which makes it feel very static in terms of the story, again, at least to me. I honestly don’t mean to sound harsh and I see that some other folks left you some very complimentary comments so it’s possible that I’m the odd person out on this lyric. If you’re truly in love with this lyric maybe you should put it aside for a few weeks and then revisit with fresh eyes. I do want to be clear that I’m not discounting all of the obvious time and effort you put into this, I’m just sharing my thoughts and feelings on how it played to me.
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