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  1. 2 points
    You You You Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 You said Let’s meet for coffee We’re friends, It’s been too long I said Sounds like fun to me But boy, I got that wrong! Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you V2 I tried to get a word in But you were on a roll Your cat, your boss, your diet Your high cholesterol Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you V3 Why do I put up with this? What did I see in you? Why do I call you a friend I’m just two ears to you Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you V4 Your parting line was priceless It showed you had no clue You said It’s been wonderful Just catching up with you Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you
  2. 2 points
    Hi Peko, Very Cool! I like it a lot. I really like Ty's idea for verse 3. I think that in the chorus if you were to change one word it may sound better. Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do IMHO Cheers, Jim
  3. 2 points
    Hi Ty, I have read through this piece several times and each time I like it more than the time before. This is a fantastic piece of writing, making one think of the meaning. But this may be your biggest hurdle. Back in my heyday, lyrics were everything, too many anyway. Some didn't care to take the time notice the lyrics, only the catchy melody. I have been a lyrics freak ever since I started listening to music in 1968. Growing up we never once had music playing in the house, which at the time I guess I thought was normal. Then I got a record player with a headphone jack and headphones for Christmas when I was 10 years old. I would play it always with the headphones on as to not disturb the non-musical folks who occupied the house. And Holy Shit ! I was off and running. The recordings as well as the equipment weren't that great, so I would listen to them over and over until I could understand every word or at least what I thought made the most sense. I have probably listened to more music than anyone on this site. Not necessarily different music, just the volume of time. Some really great music coming out around this time and I would sit mesmerized listening to the now greats. To me, a song is nothing without very good lyrics as well as the harmony. I actually like the lyrics better. I wanted to buy a guitar at this time but it seemed that it was never in the budget (nobody wanted to hear that noise). So, I was never able to fulfill that desire, but I never gave up on listening to and dissecting lyrics. At age 21 I met and worked with a guy who is now a guitar virtuoso, having taken lessons From Jimmy Atkins, brother of Chet Atkins. This changed my appreciation for what it takes to become a great guitarist. I bought one, and like everything else in my life, I was going to teach myself. Well, my friend could play very well at the age of 5 with no lessons. Turns out he was a prodigy and I promptly sold the guitar. So, at age 22 I thought that I would start writing lyrics. Turns out there were too many distractions at that age. I started writing lyrics a little over 2 years ago and now have over 200. Which all need to be edited several times and critiqued. Anyway, I flew way off the track there, just a little history of where I'm coming from. Back to your biggest hurdle, after all of that. My apologies. I believe that strong lyrics are the backbone of the song. But I truly believe as I observe the younger crowd today, this will be a very tough sell. It's hard to get the attention of most people now for anything, let alone the fact that they now have to figure something out. Well, that's way too hard, I'll just Google it. I too love history and believe that it is so important to learn, but that's just not the way it is now. The lyrics that you have written in this piece are utterly fantastic, and I hope to someday to hear it with a melody. I think that this is a very important piece and my hope is, that people will take the time to read through this several times until it is well understood. It is so important that we try to keep things like this lyrical piece alive and thriving in this non-stop uphill battle to regain sanity. Cheers, Jim
  4. 2 points
    Hi Jim I don't know if you've ever heard the expression "You only get one chance to make a first impression" I don't intend to re-read this with your explanation of it in mind - sorry. I think your take-away from both mine and barneyboy's feedback should be that people aren't "getting" your metaphor. You won't be able to explain it before the song starts Paul
  5. 2 points
    We haven't hit rock bottom at least based on the write. And what is rock bottom? The worst possible place one can be and cannot go down or deteriorate any further. "If" rock bottom has a basement, implies the perspective is not certain. Yet, "It seems that's where we're at". Again, uncertainty in the perspective's voice. If rock bottom has been reached then out of the breakdown (and sinking no lower than the epitome of the worst possible place), out of that comes the break through. In other words, if rock bottom has been reached, there's no place to go from rock bottom but up!! And clearly there are no "if's" here. The perspective doesn't see any hope based on the position taken with the way things are. And that's fine! But! I would consider going back and making this more assertive, more affirmative (stronger) and shift the way rock bottom is used in the context of what is written. Chorus If rock bottom has a basement - Basements are in houses. But I know it's yours to keep so... It seems that's where we are Really? Then why bitch, moan and complain if we've reached it? UNLESS, we can do better. If we can, then we haven't reached rock bottom and it has no basement.If we are looking for substanceAll we'll get is an empty jarWhat this country doesn't need- This is preachy.Is a washed up reality star Suggestion If rock bottom has a basement We can't be very far When we are looking for substance And all we've got is an empty jar new line Is a washed up reality star Additional suggestion - Make the title. "Rock Bottom" and rock bottom alone. Much stronger as a title without the basement which weakens it and brings it down. Haha get it. Brings it down. Ugg. BridgeWe need a better replacement Because rock bottom has a basement! Sounds like some cheap TV jingle, sales pitch or campaign ad. Maybe here in the bridge the perspective can add in something about going back up to the stars. But ,first we have to get to rock bottom before there can be something positive which clearly hasn't been revealed here. If we're at rock bottom, there's no place to go but up and clearly we have not reached rock bottom according to the perspective here. Food for thought. Nothing more.
  6. 2 points
    Ty, You use the word "did" too much, I guess to fit the words to the cadence you hear. Other than that, I think it's pretty damn cool. So I'm reading it and getting some of it. I see you are starting the verses with lines from The Gettysburg Address. The rest of each verse seems focused on the current political polarization of the nation, which, although there is no civil war going on now, seems to threaten our union and it's unclear if we're up to the task of breaching the gap that divides us. Some of the chorus lines seem to reference Lincoln watching the construction of the Washington Monument, which was only partly completed at the time Lincoln was president. The narrator seems to wonder if the obelisk today still represents a monument to our great nation and one of its key founders or a tomb for the American experiment that no longer seems to be thriving because of the political polarization driving Americans apart. The last chorus ties the two noble men, Washington and Lincoln, together through the reflecting pond on the National Mall. You get a zillion points for doing something unique and doing it well. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone try something like this here. And in addition to it being superbly put together, I don't see anything in there that would offend either side of the political aisle in the U.S. And that's a neat trick to pull off in a political lyric. Cheers, Doug --
  7. 1 point
    Don’t it Shine Refrain Don’t it shine, don’t it shine Don’t it shine, don’t it shine V1 Don’t is shine like silver, don’t it shine like gold Don’t it shine like children, who never grow old Don’t it shine like silver, don’t it shine like gold Don’t it shine like springtime, after a winter’s cold Refrain Don’t it shine, don’t it shine Don’t it shine, don’t it shine V2 Don’t it shine like silver, don’t it shine like gold Don’t it shine like lovers, in the afterglow Don’t it shine like silver, don’t it shine like gold Don’t it shine like wisdom, when the truth is told Refrain Don’t it shine, don’t it shine Don’t it shine, don’t it shine V3 Don’t it shine like silver, don’t it shine like gold Don’t it shine like a sunrise, when the night lose hold Don’t it shine like silver, don’t it shine like gold Don’t it shine like freedom, to a life’s been sold Refrain – repeated into Outro Don’t it shine, don’t it shine Don’t it shine, don’t it shine (when the needy clothed) - adlibbed over repeating refrain Outro (when the Lord’s truth told) (and you shed your load) (and it save your soul) I know this is VERY repetitive, refrain more to set a mood than for the ‘words’. Hearing this in the Americana vein, very fragile, understated arrangement w/ guitar accompaniment. Mandolin and/or fiddle part coming in later to enrich/break up the monotony. Very much in the Gillian Welch/ Dave Rawlings tradition. It would need exceptional vocals to work. This is ‘hot off the presses’ so I will probably hate it/rework it. Not sold on the ‘outro’ ad libs and adding the ‘religious’ undertones. Think it works w/o that element, but that part seemed to fit to me in the ‘older traditional’ vein of the piece. Is it clear what is shining? Anyway, any feedback would be appreciated.
  8. 1 point
    <Let me know if it sounds too much like Joni Mitchell. She was definitely an influence. And also, give me tips for melody, if you can. What genre of music do you think it fits?> LYRICS: Slanted eyes and gypsy hair With a mean old crooked-smile glare She’s stupid, she’s sad, and young Swearing with her English tongue And she sings obscure forgotten songs Of lonely love and dancing nights And she laughs a little too long Otherwise she’s sighing Or even worse she’s crying Who had kissed her cowboy mouth? And caused her eyes to burn away And who could make her count the days Until he comes around He had a somber, sweet blue face And a soul of tangled tatted lace He’s crazy; spends his time alone To play his drums and xylophone Drowning out his own heartbeat And he thinks that he’s forgotten He wants to be complete But he knows he can’t defeat The aftertaste of sweetness The ugly burns of summer heat He had kissed her virgin mouth She caused his sense to go away He wanted her but couldn’t stay She hopes he’ll come around You know that he will come around In a month or two I’ll see you And I don’t care if you mind You’ll love me when you taste me I know that I’m your wine You can’t resist my cowboy mouth And you like my gypsy hair And I need your tangled tatted head And I need you to be there I know that you still care I’ll kiss your silent mouth
  9. 1 point
    Overall, pretty good, but I'd like to hear a bridge in it to put the singer's needs in (as a change). Never got to tell you my boyfriend left Or that my old dog died Been out of work for a month and a half But I'm glad you're on my side!
  10. 1 point
    I love these lyrics! It sounds like a really fun song and I think *everyone* can relate. I guess if I *had* to make one nitpick it would be that in the third verse you rhymed "you" with "you," and rhyming a word with itself can sound a bit awkward. I feel like changing the last line to "to you I'm just two ears" could have the potential to rhyme with something like "after all these years" or something, but I'm not sure-- I'm not really much of a lyricist myself!
  11. 1 point
    Just F in’ around with my iPhone and GarageBand app. So the sound isn’t stellar by any means. Trying to have a little fun. Where All My Kitties At?? I luv kitty cats Where all my Kitties At They’re furry and they’re fun Acrobatic when they run In a ball on my lap Always down to take a nap By my feet in my bed Always stepping on my head Meow meow Just like the kitty said I luv kitty cats And she luv kitty cats He probably luv kitty cats Where all my Kitties At They’re crazy and they’re cute And they’re always in pursuit Chasing mice and other cats Knocking over this and that Making noise while I’m in bed 9 lives until they’re dead Meow meow Just like the kitty said Chorus Bridge Chorus
  12. 1 point
    Thanks, Bro. That's precisely what I was wondering about. I bumped up the tempo 4 b.p.m after i recorded the vocals. The chorus vocals still sound okay, but the artifacts on the time-stretched verse vocals mess with the sound enough that it dulls my enunciation of words too much. I'm going to have to re-sing the verses at the higher b.p.m - and maybe I'll just re-sing the whole damn thing. Anyway, thanks bunches. I guess I'll leave this up and just add something to the thread title indicating I've re-done the vocals when I get the time to do them again. David * UPDATE: I did another mix, and I think the verse vocals are a bit clearer. Maybe I won't have to re-sing. https://soundcloud.com/hobosage/further-away/s-OA8pE
  13. 1 point
    Rerry 33, it’s clear that you have ‘a way with words’, and there’s a lot of good imagery in the lyric. I’m with Carl, though, in that the piece is overly wordy, and because it’s basically off-the-cuff abstract - almost stream-of-consciousness - it’s impossible to determine a concrete message. You mention that you spent just 30 minutes composing the lyric. I think you could come up with something much stronger and more compelling after some solid revising, and deciding exactly what message/emotion you want the reader/listener to come away with. A connection needs to have been made. As regards your contracts: I’ve advise caution with Majestic Records Corporation. I suspect they’re a company – like a lot of the other scams in the music industry – that simply ‘sign contracts’ with hopeful songwriters in order to charge them money to make a demo. Avoid these kind of places like the proverbial plague. If your lyric or song falls into the hands of someone – e.g. a publisher – who is genuinely interested in working with you, that person will pay you, not the other way around. And he/she will be responsible for the costs of creating a demo and for pitching it. Am I right in assuming that – since MRC advertises for songs/lyrics/poems, etc. – you submit your lyrics to them? Have you done extensive online research on the company? It’s possible that there’s information about the organisation online. Anyway, this is just my tuppence worth (from a fellow Canuck). Keep or sweep, of course. Donna
  14. 1 point
    Linearity = First this happened Then this happened Then this happened ------
  15. 1 point
    Hi Rerry Well, that's not a recording contract in the true sense of the phrase. They produce a melody/recording of your lyric and they charge you $395 USD for their troubles. Oh, and they register it with the Patent office which costs them all of $25 USD. This is just a scam playing on your ego IMO but it's your money. Paul
  16. 1 point
    Nice tribute Cindy---and as a tribute it is hard to critique your genuine sentiments...but here goes Change all we's to I...imo that brings things closer to you. We is impersonal, and automatically excludes anyone who does not feel like you do And then I got carried away with my suggestions A gentle giant, a gentle man You became a valued friend I listened to you over and over again Not everybody knew your name Because you weren't after fame I think you knew that I was out there every day
  17. 1 point
    Nice and conversational with a topic that wants to make you feel...but like WB said, it suffers because of its linearity I suggest losing anything linear and focus of you, how do you feel about this fundamental loss and the change it brought...and how does that affect your own relationship with your son??? maybe something like this I lost my own when I was five So when Mom said I should call you Dad I remember hardly saying a word You were just some guy who wore that tag My young and foolish early years Brought disappointment to your face And as I grew that mattered more One day I let you take his place KOS as they say
  18. 1 point
    Thank you for the reply. It means a lot. We're working on the singing department. We had no choice at the time of the recording. There was only one guy to sing it and he did the best he could. I'm very pleased that you could get the whole idea. That's my goal here with this song. By the way, I liked a lot some of your songs. Good work!
  19. 1 point
    I also think the line "you had plans for me" sounds dark at best and predator-ish at worst. Maybe something along the line of "You could see the man I'd someday be?"
  20. 1 point
    Hi Patty, I like your lyrics and how you made it easy for me to visualize your story. Great job!
  21. 1 point
    Hello Patty, Not knowing the context for what inspired you to write the song. It tells a pretty linear story. However I'd like to know more, particularly where you grew up, the environment you were in, Or where this conversation is happening. A setting is usually what is missing from songs. It seems the lines people have had trouble with in the chorus is the opposite of the one I have. "You had a secret plan just for me" It takes me out of the song a little bit and makes me wonder if this plan is ominous and I am missing something here. I am curious if this line fits more with what you are trying to say "You had the perfect blueprint to raise me". hope this helps! I'm no expert, your song was just very interesting to me.
  22. 1 point
    Very nice! I like how you write, very positive. My uncle's name is don Williams my father was Gene Kelly, funny about name. I like some broken hearts never mend.
  23. 1 point
    My comments were meant to be constructive. The word flow is not natural. Does anyone speak like that? I don't. If you wouldn't said it. You wouldn't sing it. Sorry to have offended you. You're free to disagree which is fine but you're not good at receiving constructive criticism which I assume is why you posted this in the first place. I won't bother you again.
  24. 1 point
    Nice! Simple and short, but strong.
  25. 1 point
    Nice. Great sentiment. My favorite song of his was I'm Just A Country Boy.
  26. 1 point
    Verses are a pretty good. You can feel it. I think the third line in the chorus could be tweaked a little, but otherwise not to bad.
  27. 1 point
    I cannot disagree with anything you wrote Spanish Buddha. Your observations are spot on. One thing i heard once is that the west has something called guilt, and the east has something called shame, or face. On a lighter note it’s true that nobody will probably ever sing this lyric, or any f my lyrics, but these verses themselves, as is, could be sung to Brown Sugar. Not the bridge or the chorus. In fact brown sugar makes reference to the same Ghanian coast line where so many slaves departed. I always write with a particular voice in mind, and I pictured this sung as if it was on a stones album. ( not that they’d be caught dead singing it) I wasn’t writing this to try and provoke anyone to do anything about the issue either. I don’t have any solution. No macro solution. Lots and lots of micro solutions. I found it an interesting topic. I recently finished a Carlos Santana autobiography, and he wrote of visiting the Cape Coast Castle in Ghana in the early 70s with tina turner, who was completely overcome to be there and how eerie it was. Santana also wrote about the conditions in Tijuana and his hometown. Like you I’ve gotten to know a lot of people living very different lives than my own. Some of them do or did some god-awful jobs and they consider themselves grateful even to have that. Thanks for the insights and comments.
  28. 1 point
    An interesting write, but more a statement than a lyrical composition. Lyrically, no one is going to sing this. Suggestions for improvements? Guess you could tighten the meter in the verses so that they're aligned better. Format it all you like to make it like a lyric but unfortunately interesting issues that are deep (by today's standards aren't going to attract many to want to hear or repeat in a song of this nature, commercially or otherwise.) All these issues are overwhelming to the listener but that doesn't detract from the message however. No plans to comment on the content line by line here. The message is a good one that you've made. Like you, I have also spent a lot of time living, working and traveling in Asia and elsewhere. I've seen, heard and know about the hardships locals in Thailand and other countries in the region experience on a day to day basis and how the sex industry in at least a place like Thailand is actually at the financial heart or backbone of the country's economic stability. There is a lot of resentment towards foreigners as a result. It's like a love/hate relationship where locals in many situations (both men and women) must do things like sell themselves physically to men in a city like Bangkok in order to put food on the table for their family back home, up country on the farm. They very often hate doing what they do, may even be angry but do it because they have no other means of survival. In many situations these people have limited amounts of education. Thai generally speaking do not like foreigners largely for this reason. Many of the westerners and others and there are others going to their land who contribute to the problem and perpetuate it yet the sex industry and foreign money help to keep the economics afloat as well as dinner on the table for the poor. It really is twisted and sad but at the end of the day this is the way it is. We in the west have this ideology that we're going to change the world and or the standards or lives others lead and yes as the writing says in this piece, in doing so, we often times do more harm than good when attempting to crack down or shut down certain businesses and industries. The perspective in the writing is very aware of what is going on abroad and at home but yet surprisingly (or at least in the write) for someone who has lived or lives part of the year still in southeast Asia doesn't seem to take into account that what we identify here in our own country as a problem or problems is not viewed the same way in some of the places depicted in the writing. You must be aware that in Thailand and perhaps elsewhere in Asia and in other developing world countries, they are much better at accepting "what is" rather than wanting to change it and this is a fundamental ideological difference that separates the west from the rest. No matter how horrible, deplorable conditions or treatments are for people, they accept, that these things are part of the human condition and a way of life they must find a way to adapt to in order to survive. Perhaps being more homogeneously based societies forces them to conform to this mindset more so than in the west (rugged, fierce, at times defiant individualism) not to mention religion which may or may not play a part as well. In Thailand, it does. Buddhism is non-confrontational and I think to make my point to compliment your message, I can sum it up in a joke about how people adapt or deal with the conditions you've spoken about and not just in the developing world but here at home in the United States as well. What's the difference between dropping dead and dying on the street in New York, Auckland and Bangkok? Answer: In New York, they'll walk right over you. In Auckland, New Zealand, Canada and parts of the UK today, they may still say "excuse me" and then walk over you, BUT! In Bangkok, they'll simply walk around you lying dead on the street, and such is the way of the world in one of these situations in how they do or don't adapt to and deal with awful and atrocious things most are aware of. Apathy is everywhere to some extent unless directly affected. What the perspective defines as a problem or has sensitivity towards, is something that in many of these countries or places referenced, they go around or find a way to survive , deal with or just accept. A Filipino colleague of mine summed up the differences best. Asians have a better understanding of human nature than we in the west do and they simply accept the good, the bad, the ugly as a result. In the US and other western countries, the reality has hit, due in large part to technology, that we're as rotten and corrupt as some of our neighbors, but for years have seen ourselves as superior or almost omnipotent in terms of values and yet we are now confronting the reality that we have the same problems that many of these other countries face. The difference is our way of dealing with what's going on, whether it be slave labor or slave wages, income inequality, politics, etc, etc. We are not as tolerant. We demand change and action. We are looking to improve our situations and we can in ways that perhaps the others (developing world) are not looking to do or simply cannot. We have ideal images that at times may not be very realistic at all. Good intentions but not always good when implemented. Anyway, these were my thoughts and observations about what you wrote. The human world is far from perfect in how we treat each other. Animals too. I've seen some pretty ugly things in Asia with regards to how dogs were treated in a place like Thailand. Once I was getting some dinner at a food vendor on a Bangkok street and I was walking home alone and there were a group of street dogs in front of me standing there. They were harmless but the animal population (strays) is as overwhelming there as the sheer number of humans are. Anyway, a local guy in a pickup truck had taken off from the market place. One of the dogs, in the street had no hair, some sort of disease. She was old and looked shriveled but was fine until the guy hit her. The driver saw the dog but bumped into her at about 15 miles an hour and it caused some sort of a hemorrhage on the poor dog's neck and blood came spewing out. She was howling and fell down. I went running over with several dogs to her and we surrounded her observing. She went into shock quickly and died. The bastard kept driving off at a slow pace till he made it to the main road. No one else there (human) batted an eyelash. Here I was the only Falang with a pack of dogs that surrounded this poor animal. I went home with my food shortly after that. There was nothing I could do. I thought nothing of it at the time. I ate and that was it , but I kept those images in my mind for 20 years and more recently about six months ago for the first time, I got so choked up after reliving those images about the dog (which I've done periodically over the years) that I started to cry profusely about it for the first time. I'm getting choked up again. I must have been in denial as what I witnessed was awful and it was cruel but I think because I had lived in Thailand for so long, I had adapted the attitude that many adapt there, accepting whatever the circumstances are. And that is my purpose in bringing this incident with that poor dog up (godspeed little one). People react and process things differently in different places. Our standards in the west are not the only standards and what is unacceptable to us may be tolerated by others even if it is awful and for different reasons. Is there a solution to any of the things you've mentioned in what you wrote? Perhaps if we can evolve beyond this economic system that pits us competitively against one another and work towards a common goal, then some of these problems could be eradicated, but that's science fiction at this point in this our human world of the 21st century. That, and curbing the human population. In many of the countries depicted in your writing as well as here in our own, you have people shitting out kids left and right. Born into awful conditions where there is plenty of pain and suffering. Our sheer numbers as a species must be dealt with confronted and controlled as this insatiable appetite we have for material goods contributes to these problems and it will only get worse once the natural environment is factored in and as the human population continues to soar. These problems are not only a result of the west's global culture and material demand. Countries like India and China and the elite in many other countries developing as well contribute to these problems. India and China while still developing in many ways, are far more material and greedy than we are in the US and in Europe too. I've been to both of them. Plenty of observations from there. Blaming one group or country over another is not the solution if one exists. Plenty in the "third world" contribute and perpetuate these problems too. Keep in mind again, I have lived and spent a lot of time in the developing world, even in parts here in the United States that are developing . I presently work in the hood of a large urban area and yes these issues exist even there too (they just come out in different ways), but reaching out to people who have not been direct observers of these experiences or at least know someone who has had direct experience in these areas may limit you on who you're able to reach with this one and who you will not.
  29. 1 point
    Clearly it took a woman to remind us what it is to be a man. Good piece, my only thought would be to tweak chorus just a bit? IMO this shows a little more growth/understanding over time on part of the narrator. God knows I didn't really appreciate everything my parents did for me until i was older. Sets up subsequent chorus as maybe? 'Roots' in first chorus setting up 'branch/tree' reference in second? Anyway just a thought, use/adapt/ignore as you see fit.
  30. 1 point
    Great strumming and production!
  31. 1 point
    Boo Hoo You Broke a nail Lost a contact Got mascara in your eye Can't believe the Stupid traffic Didn't make it home 'til five House is chilly Need a sweater Never liked the colour red How annoying! Stupid smart phone Didn't tell you it was dead Well.. Boo Hoo You Boo Hoo You You got trouble in your bubble? Come and live in mine Grab the thingy Spark the TV Why's it take so long to boot? Such a bother Flipping channels Far too many are just news Boo Hoo You Boo Hoo You You got trouble in your bubble? Come and live in mine {br} You didn't stop on channel 4 Still don't know about the war Didn't see our bodies splayed to.. Delegitimize your claims No need to fuss your pretty head Over pictures of our dead Boo Hoo You Boo Hoo You You got trouble in your bubble? Come, and die, in mine You got trouble in your bubble? Come, and die, in mine
  32. 1 point
    New lines are better!
  33. 1 point
    It's a nice story, not badly written, but the reason this does not resonate with me is that she's gone, and it's OK with you. There is no tension or drama in this. There is no striving....just resignation and some kind of justification for that.
  34. 1 point
    Hi A Lyrically its kinda bland, but the music is spot on retro! Great arranging! Coulda been an early Bowie or Todd Rundgren song. But, well...one thing, you need to get someone else to sing it. The vocals just arent there to pull it off. Plus, I'd end it after 3:20. The coda is fine, but even it too maybe needed some drums and bass to pick it up abit at least after a minute or two. But overall...I was impressed. cheers R-N-R Jim
  35. 1 point
    Hi T Glad you decided to stick with my idea of adding bass to your songs. Its good that your lines are minimal and dont walk all over the song i.e. over play things. Anyways...just one snit, the ohhhs after Me and you, hmmm..not sure what notes you were trying to hit. Overall...the song has good feel. cheers R-N-R Jim
  36. 1 point
    I’d have to agree on the lyrics being a bit cliche’. I believe you could describe everything here with more originality. The demo recording isn’t bad. I’d say the beats are to prominent in the mix causing some distraction. I’d dial them back until they’re just a touch above audible. Thanks for sharing! JOe
  37. 1 point
    Another good piece of work. It might bring me inspiration to write a song about playing guitar. I feel as if maybe a talented musician from the past has somehow possessed your musical soul in the hopes of keeping that era of music alive. Lol. Yeah, I admit I’d probably be more interested in listening to a contemporary version of this song. But you’re great at what you do. Strong lyrics as usual. Oh yeah. I played Shape of You at a recent open mic. People really liked it.
  38. 1 point
    Is 'Delegitimize' a real word? I'm not fond of the last 2 lines in the bridge, think this should be a little more 'in your face'. Musically, I think this could be one of your piano songs, with an upbeat sound to it - until the bridge, that is.
  39. 1 point
    Ha, I think we all know someone like this. My work environment has a few! Nice lyrics Paul. What kind of music do you have planned for this? =Bob=
  40. 1 point
    I absolutely LOVE this title! Clickbait City! I thought it would be about a love affair gone bad or a devastating job loss or something. Just wanted to say how good I think the line is! Peko
  41. 1 point
    Hi Anna, I thought of Penny Lane as I saw these new characters getting introduced one after the other. It’ not easy to pull that off but when someone does it’s quite memorable. I almost got a sort of Sargent Pepperish vibe reading this. Describing day to day life and death. Getting compared to Sir Paul is not bad, even if you come up short here, in the comparison. If you can make the characters memorable in such a quick sketch, you’re on to something. Good for you! There’s much to like here. I’m looking forward to more comments and really looking forward to your future edits. I’m very curious what you will do with this.
  42. 1 point
    Hi Paul, I like this a lot. Who is the speaker addressing? What is the relationship? It's obviously being spoken to a woman, but who is this woman? The speaker has disdain for her, but why? Maybe you find these points irrelevant to this piece. The piece is fairly simple and short. I think that you have plenty of room to insert some details. IMHO. Cheers, Jim
  43. 1 point
    Hi A Verse 1 started out as whimsical as your writing style can be. But what followed went from personal semi-innocent exploration/observation to a chorus that went too general and kinda sucked the fun out of the POV. The chorus just didnt work for me on many levels. Verse 2 was kinda twisted, I chuckled as I read it, but now you were straying even further from the innocent ignorance is bliss angle established in the first paragraph of verse 1. Again, I loved the dark humor going on in verse 2, but how it fit tone wise in the lyric as a whole was abit puzzling. Again, the enlightenment angle only works if you do it in a Mark Twain way. Kinda like "Why are people cursing and frowning in their shiny new cars?" then follow with something like, " Did they take the wrong turn?" chuckle chuckle. So, I would ditch the chorus. It just wasnt fun. just my two cents worth R-N-R Jim
  44. 1 point
    Very nice song here! I honestly don't have anything to critique. To me, it felt like it was plucked straight out of a musical or broadway show
  45. 1 point
    Hello Ty, This is a very ambitious attempt and to my eyes, I’d say you hit it over the fence. Instantly recognized the Gettysburg Address, which the biographies of Lincoln I’ve read say he wrote on the carriage ride over to the cemetary’s dedication. His words lasted less than 3 minutes but he followed a guy who went on and on for over two hours. Lincoln’s address was over before the audience even knew it. I too picked up on the Obelisk and tried to decide what is the intended connection to the Lincoln Memorial in D.C. The Washington Monument is the logical obelisk, but I tend to believe the obelisk—the monument- you are alluding to is the real monument to Lincoln—the country he fervantly tried to preserve at all costs, the USA; a country that seems to be unraveling at the moment. Many people in the years leading up to the civil war considered their country to be what we now refer to as individual states. They considered the USA to be more akin to what is now the European Union. Lee, in declining command of the Union forces stated he could not take up arms against his country (Virginia). Lincoln did not recognize state sovereignity and the Civil War settled the issue, hopefully for good. You did a wonderful write here Ty. Lots of fans/ students of history here, including me, of course. Written like a true Patriot.
  46. 1 point
    I love the lyrics and the melody. It's stuck in my head now, good job! You have an incredible voice.
  47. 1 point
    This is an excellent write. I like it a lot. Will anyone today want to sing it?(and I don't necessarily mean commercially). Probably not but that doesn't take away from what's written. So! You've presented a puzzle piece that really doesn't need dissection in my thoughts. What is written references the Gettysburg Address and things Abraham Lincoln said. In a nutshell, the references are historical and the perspective in the write basically questions whether (the people of the United States today) are living up to the basic ideals that the country stood for at one point in its foundation and early history. The perspective is questioning and somewhat lamenting the loss of what were the ideals the country once stood for that perhaps are no longer being pursued today. Not sure what you're looking for in the way of feedback. That's my take on a write with a thought provoking message. It leaves me to ponder something I think about often. Where are we going? Have we lost ourselves?
  48. 1 point
    Ty, Just a note about prosody since you brought it up in my lyric. Prosody basically means everything working together. To that end, a song usually has either a stable or unstable feel to it depending on the message intended. Ask yourself, how does this make me feel or how does the singer feel? I believe your lyrics tend more toward the unstable feeling. There are several ways to cause the lyric to support that feeling (prosody). One is number of lines. Even number of lines in a verse/chorus creates a feeling of stability while uneven number of lines, unstable. Rhyme scheme plays a big part to. You already may know this stuff, it's just something that I was thinking about the first time I read your lyric. The rhyme scheme has a bit too stable a feel but it flows so well. A way to make the feeling more unstable is to add a line at the end of each verse. Even better if it doesn't rhyme. It leaves the listener hanging and reaching for the next part. Something as simple as: V1 This is how I find myself This is where I dwell In pensive isolation Sheltered in my shell Once I had a better life With you by my side Now my world is shrinking My heart hunkered here to hide Alone Of course, you may already have music for this. Just my thoughts. You're lyrics are consistently well done and I appreciate your insight on mine and taking the time to critique. Tony P
  49. 1 point
    Very nice TC! I've been thinking about the chorus for awhile and here's a rough stab at the chorus that might help. Not exactly hook friendly but maybe something will stick. Everyone knows the cards We're dealt in life are seldom fair Some are enraged by this others accept it as a cross to bear But when the next card comes we look up at the chance Wishing that all deuces were wild When it's our turn to dance
  50. 1 point
    I've missed Mortal Soul a lot around here and now... Wow, devastating. Thanks for sharing the news, Neal, even if it sucks. Yeah, Mark was gruff and prickly and not always the most gentle critic but his critiques were often incredibly detailed and he had a knack for homing in on exactly what was weakest in a lyric, particularly prosody. No one helped me learn lyric writing more effectively than Mark. He was very generous with his time, over and over again. And he never lowered his standards. He wrote all those melodramatic hard rock or heavy metal lyrics with the capital letters thrown in to help you see the rhythm but I remember one he wrote after his mother died and then, maybe my favorite of all of his, a song called Montana Skies that was so achingly tender it was hard to believe it was Mark's. Damn, I'm sad.
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