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  1. 4 points
    Ignorance and Arrogance Ignorance and Arrogance went for a walk Both had a problem and wanted to talk Arrogance said "Here's the thing I don't get: People don't worship me like I expect" Ignorance muttered and stared at the ground "Everyone laughs like I'm some kind of clown" By the end of their stroll they had mutually agreed A partnership was the best way to proceed So they put out the word they were running for office And fired up the masses like striking up matches Arrogance proved he could sell any lie While Ignorance faithfully clung to his side And even some well-minded voters were fooled By the promise of greatness and valour and good So despite what the experts said never would happen Arrogance stood by the nuclear button Disguising the fact that he already knew He asked his dull partner "What's this thing do?" But Ignorance being not versed in such things Suggested that Arrogance press it and see... ...... .. and so the world came to a horrible end All that were living now all that were dead Humanity banished, as were Hope and Dreams And Love and Compassion: consumed in the flames The planet lay barren and blackened and soiled As clouds from the blast wrapped its surface like wool And Time patiently waited for our next attempt To crawl from the shallows and try once again.
  2. 3 points
    I've been working on this one a long time. It's hard for me to step back and see it critically. That Moon Again c There’s that moon again. Followed me all the way home. Acting like some long lost friend, There’s that moon again v Redwing Blackbird sittin’ on a fence; His whole life makes perfect sense. Eat when you can, sing when you might, Fly all day; sleep all night. v Old red truck chugging down the road, Bent and swayed from a long gone load. Bouncing and bucking and colored in rust, Still it's able to kick up dust. v I used to have a dog, a dog named Ted, He only had one trick, lying in bed. I used to yell at Ted to get out of my way. When old Ted died I cried all day. v Ain’t much a man can count upon, But that old moon keeps crawling along. Not quite Heaven, but plenty far, Me and that moon are just what we are. c There’s that moon again, Followed me all the way home. Acting like some long lost friend, There’s that moon again.
  3. 2 points
    I think we can all agree that a song is meant to be a marriage between words and music. Some marriages work better than others for all kinds of reasons. There are emotional resonances between the music and the words, for example. Some songs are very strong in terms of the music and weaker lyrically and some work the other way round. I don’t plan on talking about every aspect of putting words to music (or music to words) in this post. I just want to talk about rhythm. Does meter matter? I say it does, but I want to try and say why – because I see lyricists often claim that the music can somehow cater for poor meter. I think it can sometimes appear that way if the lyricist doesn’t understand what is happening musically. This will probably be a long post and may sound over-analytical at times. However, many people do all of this intuitively. It only becomes necessary to go into this level of detail in order to explain it. However, if you don’t do it intuitively, it needs to be understood. This is especially important if you don’t write your own music (or if you have a problem writing lyrics for your music). Some of what I say may be controversial (but I hope not). Others may want to chip in and explain if I get things wrong, particularly on the music side. I wrote this fairly quickly this evening, so may need to edit it as time goes by. 1. Language has a natural rhythm When we speak, there is a natural rhythm in every sentence that comes out of our mouths. This comes about in two ways. The first is that we stress certain syllables in each word. Take the word “syllable”. We stress the “Syll”, so it becomes “SYLLable”. “There is a house in New Orleans” = “There IS a HOUSE in NEW OrLEANS”. Imagine clapping on each stressed syllable. You would have 4 hand-claps in that phrase and there would be a rhythm. The second way we provide rhythm is by varying the speed. We pause. We run words together. We draw out syllables. It’s kind of musical, isn’t it? Music has rhythm and pacing (via note lengths and pauses). 2. Songs are a form of communication and words should sound natural when sung I don’t think this is controversial. I don’t mean that every word has to be conversational (that’s a different argument). I simply mean that we shouldn’t be stressing syllables that shouldn’t be stressed - we want to pronounce words properly. Sometimes people don't do that in songs – and it normally sounds bad (and it happens because of bad meter). Let’s take “Yesterday” as an example of how to do it right - then screw it up! The second verse starts with: Suddenly, I ‘m not half the man I used to be Sing it – in your head. Now, using the same melody, sing this: Bill and me, Watched the movie Catastrophe Three Tricky, isn’t it? Without a lot of messing around, the word “catastrophe” sounds all wrong. We don’t want to put singers in that position … do we? 3. Music has a determined rhythm Any piece of music has a determined rhythm – it has a time signature. A piece of music in 4/4 (common time), for example, has 4 beats to a bar. However, these beats are not equal. The first beat is known as the down-beat and is the strongest. The third beat is not quite as strong, but is stronger than beats 2 and 4. BOM – bom – Da – bom A piece of music in 3/4 time (waltz time) will have 3 beats to a bar and will sound like “ONE two three, ONE two three” – with the heaviest beat on the “ONE”. 6/8 is like two 3/4 bars tied into one and will have the heaviest beats on the first and fourth beats. A song may contain multiple time signatures but, if they do, they change in a structured way that follows musical patterns. 4. The time signature lends itself to certain places for the stresses Think back to when we clapped hands to “There IS a HOUSE in NEW OrLEANS”. The ideal place to position our stresses is on the heaviest beats. That is what is done in the song. Here’s the sheet music: Notice where the stresses fall in relation to the bar. In this version, it is in 4/4. There are other versions of the song out there in 2/4, 3/4 and 6/8 but the same rule applies in each one. 5. A song is a series of patterns If just writing lyrics and one has no musical background, that can be hard to think about. The good news is that you probably don’t need to – as long as you maintain and replicate patterns properly. A song can be seen as a series of repeating patterns. The most obvious patterns are the patterns for a verse or a chorus. The chorus will be the same in both words and music (usually). So, the chorus should look after itself. Write it once and repeat it and the same music will work every time. The verses must also follow the same pattern as each other because they will be set to the same music as each other. When we write our first verse, we set a template for every other verse to follow. Let’s look at “Yesterday” again. V1. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. V2 Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be, There's a shadow hanging over me, Oh, yesterday came suddenly. Line 1 in each verse matches. Line 2 in each verse matches. Line 3 in each verse matches. How do they match? The stresses appear in the same place! That’s an important point. Counting syllables is useless. Count stresses. Yes, line 1 in each verse has 12 syllables, line 2 has 9 syllables in each verse and line 3 has 8 syllables in each verse. Often that will be the case. However … it is the stresses that matter and they need to match. 6. The stresses in a pattern must match whenever that pattern is repeated Remember the “catastrophe” version? “Bill and me watched the movie Catastrophe Three” also has 12 syllables – but it doesn’t work. The stresses have to match or the singer will have a problem. So, stress-matching is extremely helpful, musically – and can be a major problem if attention isn’t paid to it. It’s not just the verse, either. There can be patterns inside verses where rhythms are repeated and there can be pre-choruses and so on. The important thing is the matching of stresses when a pattern is repeated. This is so that the singer can sing the words as they should be pronounced naturally, without undue difficulty, every time the pattern is repeated. 7. Phrasing can alter things to a degree Ah, but what about phrasing? Throw in a pause here or there and things can be made to work, surely? Well, to a degree. For example, a lyrical line will often not be sung beginning on beat 1. If you look at the sheet music for The House of The Rising Sun, the line “There is a house in New Orleans” doesn’t start on the first beat. There is an unstressed syllable there before the first, stressed syllable (“IS”) – it’s called anacrusis and is sometimes used in poetry too. Sometimes, the first stressed syllable is sung just before the downbeat. In these cases, it usually starts in beat 4 and is a tied note leading into the next bar. It serves to emphasise that syllable even stronger. Equally, sometimes a line may start on the second (or even third) beat. That slight delay can introduce a degree of uncertainty to the delivery. Ideally, this will be deliberately designed by the lyricist because that uncertainty (or ennui or whatever) is desirable for prosody. It’s used in “Yesterday”, in fact. Note that stresses still fall in the "right" places. You could also shorten lines and let the music play without words. You’d normally do this for a specific effect, I would suggest. What you can’t do is squeeze in extra words (except for comic effect). Actually, this isn't an absolute truth, but care must be taken. In extremis, a singer may be able to introduce a slight pause, mid-line and get back on track. It’s not ideal unless, again, it is deliberate – because, for example, it follows the natural pace of what is being said (a natural hesitation). While I have focused on stresses, I did mention pacing in point 1 as well. It is also helpful to the singer to try and replicate pacing whenever patterns are repeated. 8. To summarise Meter matters! Replicating the patterns of stresses (and, to a lesser degree, pacing) is hugely helpful when putting music to words. Music is maths to a large degree and this discipline makes life much easier. I am of the opinion that it is the lyricist’s JOB to do that. The great thing is, if you don’t write music, your lyrics will contain a noticeable rhythm if you pay attention to this stuff. They will read musically and be more likely to attract collaborators, if that is what you want. Yes, some flexing is possible. However, it should only ever be deliberate and NOT because the lyricist wanted to get another word in or couldn’t think of a way around matching the pattern. It should be done knowing and designing the musical delivery and should not leave a problem to be solved during musical composition.
  4. 2 points
  5. 2 points
    This is really great! Since it’s Paul’s lyric, I have to look REALLY hard to find anything to suggest. But I do have one tiny suggestion. Switch the title to Arrogance and Ignorance, only because in V1 Arrogance talks first. So V1L1 would also switch to Arrogance and Ignorance went for a walk. That’s it! Another good job! Patty
  6. 2 points
    Very nice indeed Paul! V2 L2 reads a bit awkward compared to V1L2. Correct number of syllables, but... ‘ everyone laughs like I’m some kinda clown’ rolls off the tongue better. Since arrogance and ignorance are anthromorphic, as is humanity, i’d like to see hopes dreams love and compassion also anthromorphicized. In other words, figure out a way to lose the word ‘its’ . I think this will be worth the effort. Those small issues are all that I could find. Otherwise exceptional. You managed to write this without reducing it into a swipe at any particular foil in today’s current events, thus making it timeless. Really well done! Bravo!
  7. 1 point
    I just started this. Does it look like it's worth continuing? Daddy's Little Shadow V1 Coming home after the work day Before I can even mention How much I loathe being away He demands all my attention V2 Yesterday he was an infant Today, he is in his third year I loved him in the first instant I'll kiss away every tear. Ch He follows me around at home He is Daddy's little shadow He has my heart and my genome. He is Daddy's little shadow
  8. 1 point
    Listen to the Sound James Kleinheksel © Copyright 2016 Listen to the sound no telling where it’s from There’s a very faint beating of a drum Whaddaya think it could possibly mean A sign of things to come or just a dream Pay attention and listen to the sound It could be nothing it could be profound It could be the time is drawing near It may be time to rejoice but it’s still unclear Listen to the sound is it coming from above It could be hatred or it could be love Either way you’ll want to know It could be coming from down below Don’t dismiss it, and don’t look away It may be time to run or time to stay Listen to the sound is it from on high It may be time to live or time to die There’s a sound coming from the mountain top It may be time to run or time to stop There’s a sound rolling down the hill It may be harmless or it just might kill Pay attention and don’t turn your back Listen to the sound seeping through the cracks There’s a very loud beating of a drum There’s no way of telling where it’s from Pay attention to that curious sound It’s probably nothing But it could be profound
  9. 1 point
    Ah, B-Boy. I haven't been around much these past couple years, but I do remember him. I think there was a minor altercation with him over something trivial some time back, and he struck me as aggressive and careless. I believe I blocked him after that. Actually, wasn't he banned for a while? I have a vague memory of first meeting him via reading apologetic posts that he was being let back in and would behave better. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was someone else. Maybe. I think B-Boy's posts here are kinda interesting. Compare them with SpanishBuddha, for example. Both of them support Trump whole-hog, but SB is a little more reasonable and personable about it, whereas B-Boy is using language that is more or less scripted. If you look at what I've quoted above, you may see what I mean. Here are basic theme summaries: -- If you don't like it here, why'd you come back? (Similar is, "If you don't like it, leave.") -- Rolling me up with Leftists, despite that I criticized both the Left and Right, simply because I disagreed with Trump -- Writing off my views by saying I'm just upset that I "lost" -- Saying I use Trump as an excuse to say something else he doesn't like -- Essentially calling me an Obama fan because of my views, despite I never mentioned Obama -- Pretending I blame everything on Trump, and calling me unreasonable because of this pretense -- Rolling up and discarding my comments en masse as "a bunch of nonsense" -- While we're at it, he broaches the subject in its entirety with discard and traces of hostility -- Calling me arrogant because of my views All of these above statements/themes, this kind of language, is ubiquitous these days on social media in the US by Trump trolls. And if you consider also that his understanding was poor enough that at times it didn't even come across as him really having read my initial post, you may conclude like I have that he is operating on a pre-existing narrative. It triggered when he began to read my writing. His responses were knee-jerk, and required little thinking. The thinking was already done for him. Speaking frankly, I think B-Boy is a decent example of propaganda working. I live in the South now. Before I came here, I was strongly considering going to Germany or Finland. But I chose the US. Every day I wonder if I made a mistake. But I'm already committed. And like I've said, there are some wonderful things to this country. At the very least, I keep my options open and have chosen a field of study that I can do abroad if it comes down to that. I've always appreciated flexibility. I would like to mention that when I first moved back, wow the reverse culture shock. For a while, I kept a secret/unpublished blog of all the unbelievably stupid encounters I had. From a train engineer telling me WW's 1 & 2 were the result of immigration, that races shouldn't mix (and that ceasing immigration/sending everyone "home" is the key to world peace); to a local journalist not knowing where Thailand was. (She said, "Thailand? Where's that? Oh, wait, isn't it in Japan?"... she worked for the NEWS.) Writing them down was cathartic, and after some months, I stopped making entries. I think I had somewhere around 30-40. Don't be mistaken, I've thought for a very long time now that America is deeply flawed. America is not flawed because of Trump, no. There are many pertinent areas of citizen lives that have been in a downward spiral for a long time. But anyway, at this point I'm repeating myself. The ideal of America is absolutely beautiful. I don't know if we can become that ideal, but I do like to imagine it. Anyway, life is hard, right? We certainly can't argue trying times make us soft. C'est la putain de vie, n'est-ce pas.
  10. 1 point
    Yes, it's written as a pop ballad, that's what I was going for. You made some interesting comments. There are a couple of lines that I'm probably going to make some small adjustments to. I like the existing bridge but I'm also experimenting with a couple of completely different bridges. Thank you. This line is not about materialistic things. It's about the emotional things I won't have. Perhaps in the singing that will come across clear. This is a work in progress but overall I'm pretty happy about the direction it's headed. Thank you for your suggestions. All of the suggestions you offered are identical to things I tried - "do, " we'll," etc. Also, tried the exact same structure in the chorus(along with many others) as you listed above but I decided to go with something that was more pronounced and sharper and got away from a more typical rhyme scheme. Also, this allows the music to be very different from the verses and makes it stand out more. Thank you for your comments, all very good ones. I wanted to get away from too much expected rhyming in the chorus and allow it to make a stronger statement both musically and lyrically. Rhyming with "YOU" seemed too soft and felt too ready-made for me. Also, your suggestion of "still in store" doesn't feel personal enough to me in terms of the overall lyric. Thank you for reading my lyric and offering your thoughts and suggestions. I'm happy you did.
  11. 1 point
    Hi monso If a lyric is going to be abstract, I want something I can relate to which I'm not finding here - sorry. It reads to me as very self-absorbed and contrived. This guy is all "I think this", and "I thought that" and yet, if you were to describe your thoughts to someone you would never use the language you have here - or they would go - "huh?". TBH after a verse or two, I lost interest. How does this connect to my life? My feelings? Where's the emotional connect to ME, the listener? You have taken a "safe" approach IMO - make it abstract enough so no-one can criticize it for being cheesy or uncool. Kerry may have not been as diplomatic as he could have been, but why should he sugar coat his reaction? I think you could learn a lot from his line-by-line commentary above if you open your mind to it. Or not - you can lead a horse to water.... Paul
  12. 1 point
    It's all good. I couldn't understand most of the words you were saying to me anyway But seriously, you're correct that I was arguing over broader themes that have bothered me for some time and had nothing to do with you personally (which is why I was saying it wasn't personal). Art, while technically subjective, is objective in the sense that it has certain rules or tried and true formulas that make it broadly appealing. I'm by no means against bending some, ignoring others, or making new rules altogether (in fact, I think it's necessary to keep it interesting) but I think the artist should be aware of when and why they are doing so. My first problem is that I see fewer and fewer people caring. I don't know if it's because of democratization due to the internet where music is so cheap, plentiful, and without quality control or what, but something is creating a vicious cycle of lower standards and expectations from listener and creator alike where fewer people are aware that there are even rules in the first place. I see it on forums like this one as well, which brings me to my second problem... who's going to break the bad news? Simon Cowell was off-putting while Paula was as positive and encouraging as anyone could be but nobody gave a shit about her opinion. 99% (hyperbolic number pulled out of my ass to make a point) of the most highly praised lyric or song submissions here would be tossed in the trash within the first few opening lines by the record companies back in the day. They never had to interact with the artist to answer why their music didn't make the cut. Here, we do and we're either being overly polite over social concerns or lack sophisticated judgement. Whatever the reason, I fear it's not helping anyone as much as we're hoping. I'm not immune. For one thing, who the fuck am I to arbitrate the wheat from the chaff? Should I judge the artist's work according to his or her expected ability or do I judge it next to other works of great art? I wouldn't say a 1st grader sucks at math for not understanding trigonometry but I usually have no idea how long someone has been writing songs to know how they should be progressing either. I'm not wanting to discourage anyone nor cause enmity but neither do I want to blow smoke up their ass. You see the dilemma? Which brings me to your song... I suppose I could have highlighted the positive (the idea that the choices you make has your family dressing in black and carving an epitaph isn't a bad one) but I saw nothing worth possibly salvaging beyond that to make the effort. And if you were, as I saw it, trying to excuse all of its poor writing on "some people just don't get it", while still not explaining it yourself, then it's likely to set me off a bit. (btw, what literature did I miss that would put "I thought I wanted something sure, but I wanted something felt" into context for me? I'm not being snide, I'm genuinely curious because you make it seem like it should be obvious but I can't find any references to clear this up.) As for the throat punch? In my defense, it's what anybody who was answered with some pseudo-profound, zen-anity to a simple question would want to do p.s. If any of my attempts at levity were off-putting, please note they're just attempts at levity and not earnest digs. I'm honestly cool with you and this was just an attempt to clarify, not to spar. I thought it was classy of you review my song without being petty and retributive. Not everyone would have done that.
  13. 1 point
    Fresh from the lyrics section - thanks to those who helped out there. Comments/advice welcomed The Christmas Bell That Wouldn't Ring Copyright (c) 2017 Tennyson Road Music It happened every year at Christmas The kids would decorate the Christmas tree They got a box of bells from the basement shelves And hung them up so carefully But they always had a tiny problem When they gave each bell a little shake One didn't make a sound, so they knew that they'd found The Christmas bell that wouldn't ring He was such a lovely golden colour And he could shine like any star you've seen But as cruel as it sounds, they didn't like him around So they stuck him at the back of the tree He could hear the gong Of the big bell's song At the start of every Christmas day But it was hard to be Hanging quietly When he knew he had a part to play Then one Christmas eve' he hung there waiting When Santa came upon the scene And it was just by chance, he took a sideways glance And saw our shiny friend behind the tree A helper who had come with Santa Sprang to action when she saw him wink She tapped her hammer quick, and had his clapper fixed In the time it takes an elf to blink And that bell began to ring! And his ring was a beautiful thing!! Now when he hears the bong Of the big bell's song At the start of every Christmas day He's at the front of the tree Ringing gleefully He knows his part by heart, I'm happy to say! So the moral of this little story Is everybody's got a part to play Until you play your part, keep a song in your heart Like the Christmas bell that wouldn't ring Until you play your part, keep a song in your heart Like the Christmas bell that wouldn't ring !!
  14. 1 point
    Hi folks Here's a new song that I wrote and recorded. Nits and crits welcomed. AnxietyWritten and recorded by StaypressV1A day in JuneA feeling of impending doomNo reason I should feel this wayAll is well and it's a lovely dayV2But deep insideI feel as though i want to go and hideI convince myself it's all OKBut the feeling just won't go awayChAnxiety just sneaks up and gets the best of meIf I close my eyes and count to tenI hope and pray that it won't happen againV3At 43, bureaucracy was drowning meA septic tank of paperworkConspiring to drive me beserkCh Russian soloCh to end
  15. 1 point
    You've got some good stuff here, and appropriately it's very disturbing/depressing. Assuming this is a reflection of a personal reality, I do hope that you are doing better, or have gotten the right support. Good luck, brother. And keep writing.
  16. 1 point
    Thanks so much, Paul! Will be experimenting with adding drums and more instruments. The ending with the vinyl sound is just kind of a personal choice and sort of serves a different purpose as far as thoughts in my head about a music video. I appreciate your input and glad you liked it, in your humble Canadian opinion
  17. 1 point
    Thanks Mike! if i were to put it out for sale (i wont) i wouldnt charge you anything! after all, it was your lyrical suggestions that got me over the tough spot in a key part of the song. couldnt have done it without ya! and will give you props in the final. as for the finished final done mix, i think i might adjust some of the key changes in the harmonies in the first two choruses and/or bring them up a hair overall. also want to thank T.C. Perkins for challenging me on the 'ecstatic vision' line. it WAS hard to let that one go for whatever reason, but once i did, the rest locked in place for me and the song is better for it, so thank you T.C. ! Thanks Again! Much Love! -brad
  18. 1 point
    This sounds great. On my speakers every thing sounds really good and I really like the lyric changes. I really don't have any suggestions on changing anything. If there are issue to fix my ears are not trained well enough to hear them. So, I'll let the more qualified do that. Great job. You'll have to let me know if you ever put this out for purchase because I'll buy it.
  19. 1 point
    Yeah, I really admire the framework. Thoughtful and clever. Nice work. But,.... if you had rhymed everything I would have been in love with it I think with the quick pace you have, it would have added a marching quality and a mathematic to the rhythm. Plus, I think it adds "difficulty points" with the reader. But this was really good. I'm glad you're on this board.
  20. 1 point
    I think it would be more interesting if you changed up the chorus each time? One time "dog won't hunt", maybe next time "boat won't float" or "bird won't sing" or whatever - something clever, and then fill the chorus with corresponding things. To me, without a really good reason, repeating sections over more than twice is a little lazy. With the short verses, this song is all chorus - so repeating it 3 times grows tiresome. I also think this particular phrase is a little corny and overused and certainly not very original.
  21. 1 point
    Thanks for the positivity, Gary! No problem, Kerry. I understand. I'm a fan of symbolism. Instead of being direct, I prefer to be emotive. The result is that it can seem cryptic. But surely you've picked up on a theme or potential theme? If not, then it simply doesn't resonate with you, and that's really okay. Thanks for the feedback!
  22. 1 point
    I think this is brilliant! Powerful and personal. I'm really impressed by the way you have constructed this and your superb choice of words. I agree, a few minor tweaks and this will be superb. If I come up with any constructive ideas I'll gladly pass them on. I don't doubt that you will be provided with some excellent suggestions from the forum that will stir your thinking toward achieving perfection, or something very close.
  23. 1 point
    Now is time for you to check out my music. That's right -- that's not a request, that's an order. Thou will be done, thine kingdome cum. Seriously -- any and all feedback is hugely appreciated. I'm not new to music making -- but I'm new to music sharing [relatively]. Srs give me feedback plz
  24. 1 point
    OK, I know when I’m overruled! .
  25. 1 point
    Just had a listen and while I am not going to comment on the technical component to the song, I think it's a real strong/good start to what you've got. I'm not sure I would change much in the way of the lyric and in the end not sure it will matter once everything on the musical end is fine tuned.
  26. 1 point
    Monso, I like this one very much. Not sure what I can offer except I was wondering if ‘two hearts fleeting’ conveyed the idea you wanted. You have a very unusual refreshing approach here that requires a deft touch to changes. This is going to be great, i think.
  27. 1 point
    Okay, here is a dropbox link the a scratch file... in all its ugly glory. Yes, it needs a lot of work. No, I am not a singer. https://www.dropbox.com/s/tfsh33uzo32ltxi/Epitaph.mp3?dl=0
  28. 1 point
    My thought responses to the lines you've indicated you're looking to work on are in purple intentionally to not confuse with what was already written and there. (C2) I went for the love And chased my own dreaming <--- this is just okay And chased my own ..........mirage It’s breath filled my lungs New life, new breathing <--- this is just okay New life, new collage All we are, all we are Are two hearts beating <--- although this "okay" line works, I don't like the repetitive "-ing" sounds. Just rewrite the two above, right? Yeah, been working on that... Two hearts pumping strong Is it true we’re the same? (bridge) And if you look for me Ignore the reprove Will your average listener get the meaning of this word? And if you don’t turn (out) a Record of rectitude Same as above ...................Although it has a rhythmic cohesion with line 2 of the bridge. Perhaps the right sounding music will detract from the meaning or inquiring about it to the average listener. They call them fallen demons <-- starting here... The thoughts, their meaning sound fragmented and abstract or unclear especially down from here and to the sucker line. But went ahead To pull away the ladder Crush your hand And mock another sucker <-- ...to here. While the message is appropriate, I don't like the lines so much. This was the last bit to get around to because I was having so much trouble with it. In the beginning I just mumbled in the mic. (outro) <-- most of the outro is also just "okay" I… Saw the shadows of our being Never once complained, not I… Threw my body against the streets then Again, again and again, (whispered: "break") I… Saw visions of us dreaming There no more, for I… Chose the legends and the lore <-- I really don't care for this ending, but the song finale is a crescendo, capped with four hard 16ths; That pull me Make to Chip away The conditioning I like the challenge of trying to help with lines you're open to working on but I must admit, there is a lot going on in this that is not clear to me in meaning but with that said I still think it can work. I have listened to some of your instrumental pieces from some of the instrumental contests and one or two pieces in particular were mesmerizingly powerful in their delivery and packed a punch to reach this listener at least. Do you have music for this? I suspect you do and if so even if in a rough draft form that's incomplete it might be of use to post a link to it to possibly better assist you. If not no worries as I am only providing you with my own ideas that you can either use or lose in the grand scheme of things here.
  29. 1 point
    Hi Kerry, I’m in agreement that the verses are excellent. To me, in comparison, the chorus was kind of a let down. I think a man who can write ‘god’s on the clock, but the devil’s on commission’ can conjure up a more powerful chorus. Maybe as simple a change as ‘staring straight at the sun’ for L2 of the chorus. Give us just a little more of your razzmatazz.
  30. 1 point
    Hello Big Happy Jack, I understand Peko’s point, but I too tend to think that the lyric here is spot on. Some excellent verses, and the story telling reminds me of the roundabout way that good storytellers, and older ones in particular, tend to tell a story. It’s not bam bam bam, it’s more of a wait for it, be patient style. Tinker if you will, but I certainly wouldn’t change much. I’ve said it before. Sometimes the most difficult thing for an artist is to know when to put down the brush. I think you’re done. Bravo.
  31. 1 point
    Other than that tiny nit it's stellar IMHO Paul
  32. 1 point
    Well Paul you have a certain knack for transporting me back to my childhood in the early 1970's - I picture Rudolph and Bumbles and the whole gang. It's like a snapshot of holiday cheer classic from my youth! And it should go without saying but I love the message of never give up!!! We all could use a dose of that every now and then, yours truly included. At least that is what I hear in this. You have given this one a treatment that is at once nostalgic and fresh, and that approach never gets old. Well done! Merry Xmas, Pete
  33. 1 point
    Andy, I thought this was great, and what’s wrong with songs aimed toward or about children? Kids are some of my favorite people. One of my favorite albums is Nicollette Larson’s (rip Nicolette) Sleep Baby Sleep, i think it’s called. Her duet with Graham Nash? Wow. Google it. “ Moment I saw you.” A good lullaby is a work of art. I’ll have to listen to the Kingston Trio’s to see how much resemblence there is. But imho this is wonderful. I have one lullaby on the back burner now. If “little one” is an issue I am sure there are other words of endearment you can find. It won’t diminish this lyric in the least and might even elevate it higher. My little itty bitty one. Good job!
  34. 1 point
    Damn you, PaulCanuck, for infecting me with an ear-worm!
  35. 1 point
    No problem Paul and many thanks for finding that link - I'd have never have found it in a million years from their title "Turnaround"!! There is certainly a risk in using simple repeated phrases - that they may have been used before. The obvious one is the old chestnut "I Love You" (three repeated words in order). "My little one, little one" at five repeated words in order is probably going a little (sorry) far with the number of words repeated in the same order as someone else. Now that you've pointed it out I'd definitely feel uncomfortable using: "My little one, little one" so.... Some other tries: "My little one, baby/tiny/teeny/petite/play-full one" - I may go with "tiny" or "play-full" one as the melody wont be affected. Cheers, Andy
  36. 1 point
    I thought it was a love song until you told her to burn in hell. I think you have something to say (and that's always the hardest part) but you're kind of all over the map. You got way too specific in places - remember that we have to understand too. Everything needs to boil down and thicken. Keep polishing this one. You could be onto something.
  37. 1 point
    Really good verses. One nit with the chorus - is there light at the end of a gun? Maybe a laser gun I enjoyed this! Paul
  38. 1 point
    Sickened by the sight of me There's no fight in me anymore I've been tried and I've been tested I gave my best but now gave my all but now been bested ? I've been bested by the floor And as I lay here waiting Regaining strength looking for strength? Just to wait around some more great!! As I wait for you to save me My sweet baby Tell me whatcha waiting for? Now I'm seeing the li-i-i-i-i-ight At the end of a gu-u-u-u-u-un (yet another suicide song??) It's just a matter of ti-i-i-i-i-ime Until the damage has been done (seems like the damage has, at the time of the singing, been done) In the back of your apartment Parked in the darkest spot ( I'm parked?? to give the sentence a verb) By the church outside your window In the shadow of its cross Mother Mary, would you have wept for me weep? For yet another soul has been lost is lost? Outside of your window (I guess could be either her window or the church's window, or both) Outside in the night I watched the lights go off ___________________ Two very excellent verses and a whole bunch of chorus repetitions. This is really my cup of tea, except for all the choruses. And in fact, to me, the verses are stronger than the chorus. It's open to interpretation but I find it to be a really-devastated/ lost--at--love song. To me, the lights are going off 1) in her room as she is with her new lover and, consequently, 2) in your life. A+
  39. 1 point
    That’s good, I like the dark themes but I feel like it could use another verse or even a bridge with more lyrics for how many times the chorus plays
  40. 1 point
    Hi Song Wolfe, I read through the lyrics, then listened to the song. I think that you picked the right genre for this piece. I like it a lot. Congratulations. Cheers, Jim
  41. 1 point
    I like this. It fits nicely into the history of "truck" songs. I'd change: " And when his heart could would feel a sting" - makes it more personal. One of my two favorites (Peko's was the other) from the contest. Nice work. I look forward to the follow up - Eighteen Wheels in Heaven!
  42. 1 point
    Hi Paul, Still good stuff after my third listen...............love the yesterday's approach in todays today ;-) Just a pleasurable listen!!! Kudos...... -Tom
  43. 1 point
    This was one of my top three picks. Great lyric, with so much wonderful imagery. I especially love V3. Donna
  44. 1 point
    Paul, I like this and rated it highly in the contest. Your lyrics are dependably solid, and I like that you avoid the obvious rhymes. I like lines like these: He sings along, his tires drone and Eighteen wheeler, take me home If I had to come up with something for you to reconsider, I’d say And when his heart could feel a sting. The phrasing seems a bit awkward. And the rhythm in these two lines doesn’t seem to match the rest of the lyric: The big trucks roar His voice still rides the breeze. Just realized these are In a 5-line structure, so they’re probably not a regular verse, anyway? See, it’s HARD to come up with anything to criticize about your work! Good story, nice job, Patty
  45. 1 point
    Hi Andy I liked this in the contest, but I'm afraid I brought it down a few points for its similarity to "Turn Around" The Kingston Trio's version is here.. I think it's the "my little one" that's the issue - if you could change that - though you probably don't want to Paul
  46. 1 point
    This is very nice Paul. The competition was fierce this month but this one held it’s own. The storyline doen’t delve too deep. A guy drove all his life, he had a wife and kids, and one day he died driving. Burried near the road. Or as Eddie Rabbitt would say he drove his life away. I didn’t really pay it that much attention before but most (but not all) of the verses seem to have no rhyme scheme but the more shore sting sing verse has a very pronounced rhyme to it. I don’t know if anyone held that against you, but it didn’t bother me. We didn’t know much about this guy. Maybe we need more for him to endear himself more to us. I’m not sure. But I liked it. And I appreciate that you are deliberately finding material to write about that is outside the box. Keeping the ideas fresh. I’ll be curious how it sounds.
  47. 1 point
    Hi, Andy, I rated this highly in the Lyrics Contest. I like it. My favorite part is the Chorus, especially this line: That says it all! I liked the "our" world, too, given that everything else was "my." This part of V1 was a little unsettling: Maybe you could tweak it a little so it doesn't sound ominous. All in all, a nice lullaby and sentiment. Patty
  48. 1 point
    Hey this is great!! Got a brilliant swinging beat to it! Agree with "Kerry Parr" about the small lyric change, but other than that really enjoyed the song! Could perhaps adjust the panning a tiny bit to give a fuller stereo feel but really great work! keep em coming!
  49. 1 point
    I agree it's the media's fault. Name recognition Trump's everything. Lol. You see how I did that. But Trump ruled the airwaves for a year and a half. BTW, Hillary still had more votes than Trump. Plus Hillary lost more votes to Johnson than Trump did. Not sure on the whole electoral vote thing. Is it right the person with the most votes should lose? IDK? I guess so. Trump won fair and square. But more Americans wanted Hillary than they wanted Trump. Gore had more votes than Bush in 2000. To this day I wonder how much a better president Gore would've been. But who knows. Having the most votes don't count in America. I do plan on giving this egomaniac, narcissist, racist, sexist, non qualified reality TV star a shot. But his leash is short. I better be able to see a quality doctor. You see, I have serious pre existing health conditions. Plus a pacemaker defibrillator. I had my own insurance for many many years. I'm self employed. It was expensive as shit. Then Obama Care showed up. I looked into it after a couple years. Wow! I actually saved some decent money. Plus I had pre existing health problems. Now, while on Obama Care, those health conditions expanded and worsened. My work hours have decreased because of my condition. Meaning I have less money now than years past. If Obama Care goes away and Trump doesn't create something that takes pre existing conditions. I'm fucking dead! Oh yeah, Now that America is voting in unqualified reality TV stars for President. Snooky/JWow 2020!
  50. 1 point
    Modern day democratic elections are a familiarity "name recognition" contest: Likelyhood of Success = Number of times your name is mentioned in the media It has little to do with policy, popularity or sanity for that matter :lol:/> The media profits too - there will be far more breaking news stories with Trump at the helm.
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