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  1. 7 points
    Do you have any concept of what a victim of sexual assault goes through? Andrea and the other victims of creepy crosby will never completely "heal" and will deal with his crimes for the rest of their lives, no matter how much money they receive.
  2. 4 points
    With regard to SpanishBuddha's comments, I have followed the second trial only on the internet, so my information may be lacking. Having said that, i have three main comments. I wasn't aware that any of Cosby's four dozen plus victims ever said they found him sexually attractive. His appeal to these women and to most people was his carefully cultivated image as America's Dad, -in other words as a safe father figure. Beyond that scripted image was his commentary over the years telling young men in general, and young black men in particular, to stand up and take personal responsibility for their actions. I admired him at the time for these controversial comments. I didn't watch his Cosby show more than briefly. I certainly think those young women felt safe with Cosby, and had reason to. Celebrities of his calibre need to keep attorneys on retainer just to deal with frivolous lawsuits. I read somewhere that Michael Jackson was sued more than 500 times, and that was before he died. It may be a thousand times by now. A fraction of those 50 women may be makng it all up, but I doubt it. Certainly most of them were probably victimized. My last comment is that any victim of rape or abuse of the Cosby kind will probably never completely get over it. A handful of money will end up on years of therapy. I assume you're more sympathetic than your comment on the one survivor would indicate. I now call his former victims survivors because they abandoned their victim status when they finally spoke out and went after Cosby. I personally am very proud of these women. The jury did good. I hope he gets handcuffed and perp-walked in an orange jumpsuit at the sentencing and I hope he serves some serious time while appealing. Otherwise he'll just run out the clock. Yes Barney the verdict is a mild surprise.
  3. 4 points
  4. 3 points
    Got another one for y'all - again, these songs are in the middle of the demo stage, far from the finished product. This is a rough mix with scratch lead vocals, like the previous one I posted. There may be some other instrumentation added, along with some backing vocals in certain spots. Mostly looking for general observations about style/genre, songwriting and arrangement stuff - looking to get some of that kind of feedback early in the process. Not so much worried about production/audio issues at this stage, though if you have feedback there I'll gladly take it as well. (These are demos for a second Trembles of Fortune album; you can go to tremblesoffortune.bandcamp.com to hear songs from the first album, and they're also on YouTube and Soundcloud.) Thanks in advance for any good insights you may have.... Lyrics: Downtown's burnin', I see the reflection on the water line And everybody tells me it's all in my mind Enemy jets on my radar screen I think I need a benzodiazepine Cuz the wrong train keeps on runnin' right on time Church bells ringin', I hear the devil on my radio The nice man in the white coat tells me it's time to go, let's go Cuz all the little drummer boys and girls They don't see what I see in the world Well I guess that every coalmine needs its canary... (Chorus) So you don't have to tell me twice I think I'll call it an early night Would the last one to leave the party Turn out the lights Turn out the lights Turn out the lights (Instrumental/chorus repeat)
  5. 3 points
    (I'm afraid this is a bit of a test post, just to see how things work here. I don't mind if it blows up in my face. About the song: I hear this one played by a Big Band, but it could just as easily be a lone acoustic guitar or a piano, just as long as it's a happy dance number for couples who can maybe go in pairs like the animals entering the ark.) Chorus: Two by two came the crocodiles Two by two, the giraffes Two by two, the hyenas, who are always good for laughs. Two by two ... - with a snarl - with a smile - down the garden path - down the aisle Verse 1: When Noah built the ark and stowed the crocodiles below He knew he had a place where Mrs Noah wouldn't go So down he went to smoke his pipe and play his harp at night To crocodiles with miles of smiles in Noah's candlelight. Bridge: And Noah sang a song about the sunshine of his youth Six hundred years before the rains came down When he would stroll the countryside with Zipporah or Ruth And later take her all the way to town Chorus: ||: Two by two :|| etc. Verse 2: When Noah sang his song, he beat the rhythm on the rug, And sixteen thousand animals, each goat and cat and bug, Would pair up with its mate and start to dance the dance of life. Then Noah went upstairs to do some dancing with his wife. Bridge: And Noah sang a song ... Chorus: ||: Two by two :|| etc. Verse 3: Now when the rain stopped falling and the clouds began to pass, The sea spread out for miles and miles, as smooth as any glass. But that old ark kept rocking on the shiny, briny sea. Where all us happy creatures danced the dance of eternity Bridge: And Noah sang a song ... Chorus: ||: Two by two :|| etc.
  6. 3 points
    I was here when it was all just fields. Just me and Alistair sitting on my back porch drinking homemade quince wine and smoking big fat ones while noodling on our guitars. Then came the 60's, my username back then was 'ElectrifyMyMind'. It was all just Beatles back then, I was writing songs that wanted to be Beatles' songs but they rarely placed in the contests. I think I was definitely ahead of a curve back then. When the 70's came I was into the whole Elvis revival and my new username "TwoBugers&Shakes" was much more successful, I was a bit of a king around these parts. I won song of the year with my awfully good "Drinks on me in the Ghetto". I was heading places, I even left my wife because she really wasn't prepared for life in the fast lane. I didn't see punk coming, I was too busy with Disco. By then I was known as "SkinnyBoy23" and I was making a name with my Donna Summer rip-offs, which didn't really get me much traction and as the Sex Pistols took hold I found myself banned from the Muse for my aggressive behaviour. It was only when Mark Chapman decided to blow the brains from John Lennon that Alistair declared an amnesty and allowed me back. I was by then renamed "DuranDuran" but then would you believe that some band came out of nowhere with the same name? I was allowed to change my name to "OneDirection" which worked much better as I began to experiment with mixing UK new wave pop with rap. I actually was the very first person to post a rap song on the Muse! I actually came second in that contest, I should have won but Triffid had a song about a dying Elk which really tore enough heartstrings to make the difference. I spent a lot of time in prison after that. No major sentence, nothing too serious, just lots of short stays. I tried to keep up with Muse but to be honest it wasn't a great time for this site either. Kurt Cobain changed the game, and blew his stupid brains out. All of a sudden most members of Muse switched to Radiohead and every single contest was just 9 different versions of Creep. I had a few of them, now under the name of "WTF" I came third once with a song about a wet dream I had for Cindy Lauper. For ten years I was gone. I spent most of my money on drink, drugs and women. The rest I just wasted. I think my username back then was "MustangScally" I can't even remember the songs I wrote back then. It was a band called 'Take That' who woke me up and made me realise the power of a good song. I was prolific around these parts and by then, as the member named "ILoveJasonOrange275" I owned this site, wining every single 1+1 for an impressive 6 times in a row. I was like The S, but really cooler. I got rich, and fat. I mean really fat. Suddenly I couldn't reach my guitar anymore, I couldn't leave the house. When Amy Winehouse died a big piece of me died too. I left this site for the last time when my song "Bacon" finished last of all in a monthly contest. That was the end. It really was. But then the strangest thing happened, Take That got back together! Then so did The Libertines, then Pink Floyd, then Salt N Pepper and even, the most unbelievable, so did Kajagoogoo. I knew my time had come. I trained hard, I stopped eating BigMacs for breakfast and I downloaded the Rocky III soundtrack to my iPhone. I came back, now known as 'Murphster', an homage to that other come-back king, Eddie Murphy, I think I am finally ready for the big-time. I won't be changing my name again, I am here to finally show the world the talent that has been ignored for so long. Nothing is going to stop me now!
  7. 3 points
    C'mon Dave! You know better than that! Men's sexual cravings are animalistic and uncontrollable! How can we be expected to tame our evolutionarily instilled drive for conquest? Clearly the responsibility falls on the shoulders of women to not provoke our lustful appetite. And if they do, what can I say? The outcome was inevitable.
  8. 3 points
    In the entertainment industry, much business is done in semi-social situations. Talking and walking, talking and eating, talking and drinking. That is the job interview. A big shot is at a party and you are an actor who wants that big shot to think of you for something that big shot is putting together. You will not make any connections or go anywhere if you don't meet and talk to the right people. One good word about you from person A to person B will get your an audition you will never get otherwise. It's part of the process, just as other people have to send out resumes, submit references, put on a suit, and go in for interviews to get a more typical job. If you, spanishbuddha, went in for a job interview, you wouldn't expect the company owner to instead drug and rape you, even if it was at a dinner or party, right? And if it ever did happen to you, you sure as hell would expect him to do time for it. You wouldn't expect other people to say you're just in it for the fame and money.
  9. 2 points
    Hi. I got a lot of great feedback on the last two songs I posted, not to mention access to Tom's tutorials on drumming! I've taken all that and tried to roll into this one I just posted. Let me know what you think, and what could make it better. - thx wait Twirling around Swirling the clouds in the blue sky above her head She remembers the tender words he said She remembers the last words he said Our love is as pure as your tear drop you have my heart in your lock box you have my soul ready to grow old with you wait for me please wait for me and I promise you one day soon, I’ll come home to you and then he was gone leaving her all alone for as long as it took him to come home
  10. 2 points
    A really quick write this morning. I'd been browsing through some old notes, phrases, etc., and one of them led to this. Clearly it's a very rough sketch. I realise the first part of the bridge is in the present tense, but in the traditional AABA format (which was often used in early theatrical productions), the bridge can be pretty much anything. Wondering though whether to put the verses in the present tense. Genre suggestions? Female vocals, but can be adjusted for male. I look forward to your feedback. (Update: Just back from an afternoon out, and got home with a kind of melody in my head. So I know the lyric's odd structure can work. ) Have at it! Donna UPDATE 21.03: Thanks to everyone's great input, I've made several changes (in blue). Let me know your thoughts. ***In the bridge, I've changed the first 4 lines back to the present tense. It sounds more immediate, and reflects the fact that the narrator is speaking right now. UPDATE 27.04: Made a couple of tiny tense changes (from past perfect to simple past). Heard You Leaving (REVISION 3) V1 Heard you leaving …You closed the door As caref’ly as you could Heard you tip-toe, like a thief In your sock feet down the stairs …Heard each muffled footfall And the creaking of the wood V2 Heard you leaving …I felt the clunk Of keys dropped on the matt Heard you heading, quick as lies For your car parked near the curb ... Heard you drive off slowly Knew you weren't coming back Bridge In my mind, I see her reaching For the man I just heard go You bend to her and whisper Every word I used to know Did you think that I was sleeping That my heart would never break? …My eyes were always open ‘Cept for when I was awake V3 Heard you leaving …Now I'll lie here like a stone until the dawn Heard me wond'ring in a moan How I’d make it through the day …Wasn’t only that you left me But the cow'rdly way you'd gone I heard you leaving © 2018 Donna Devine --------------------------------------- Watched You Leaving (Original version) Watched you leaving …Heard the door close ‘Bout as softly as it could Heard you tip-toe Down the old verandah stairs …Heard each muffled footfall And the creaking of the wood Watched you leaving …Heard the crunch Of tiny pebbles on the drive Heard you heading For your car parked near the curb ... Heard the slow ignition And the gears begin to grind Bridge Still in my mind, I see her reaching For the man I’d just seen go You bend to her and whisper Every word I used to know Did you think that I was sleeping And my heart would never break? …My eyes were always open ‘Cept for when I was awake V3 Watched you leaving …Heard the morning Stretch and put its coffee on Heard me wonder How I’d make it through the day …Wasn’t that you’d left me But the cow'rdly way you'd gone I watched you leaving © 2018 Donna Devine
  11. 2 points
    Pretty rough guitar instrumental. I'm not really sure where I want to go with this, or how to get there. Obviously needs a bass line; the only bassist I've been able to get together with couldn't seem to do much more with it than hit root notes, so I'm probably going to end up finding a cheap bass somewhere and doing my own (something that's a distinct line of its own, ala John Paul Jones or James Dewar). I'm also thinking of a keyboard part, kind of an ambience-type thing, like Pink Floyd (intro to Shine On You Crazy Diamond), with a pedal A in the little bridge thing. The big question to me is, does this song lend itself to a vocal melody? I'm not sure; it seems to me to be structured more around a feel hopefully conveyed by the opening and closing voice fx, and I don't know that vocals wouldn't be more of an intrusion than anything else. But, of course, I'm open to ideas. The lead lines are also something I'm working on polishing up a bit. Anyway, all feedback appreciated. Faron Abandoned, on SoundCloud ETA- just listened to the link, and I didn't realize how muddy that version sounds. I'd have preferred to link to my BandMix version, but couldn't get that link to work properly. I should also mention that I've been having issues with hearing loss for the last few years (seems to run in my family, and I am 61, after all), so what I hear and what everyone else does may be two completely different things.
  12. 2 points
    Hi guys, I just made this new video. It's a completely different style visually and musically to the last one - but still comedy. It was a lot of fun to make so I hope you like it!
  13. 2 points
    Short one I was working on. Thoughts? They said that's the way it is Should I believe you When will we be released We could be free We can be We can be Can't you see
  14. 2 points
    I sometimes end my practice sessions with a freestyle drill like this. Yesterday it dawned on me that it might make a cool video, so I set up the cameras & shot it. 'Nuf said (approx. 2 minutes long)
  15. 2 points
    For more purposeful, structured demonstrations I often do...
  16. 2 points
    DonP, I hope I’m not overstepping the mark here, but I’m assuming that English is not your native language. Much of the descriptive phrasing/terminoloy - while highly imaginative - is incorrect, making it difficult to interpret your meaning or even to generate a personal interpretation. A few of the individual terms are interesting (e.g. 'comfortable deceit', ‘strayed from grief’, ‘under stars and fullest moons’), and could be used to advantage in a lyric that has a structure and a discernable story, preferably with a beginning a middle, and an end, or at least a strong, easily understandable statement. As it stands, however, the piece - to me - reads more like abstract and very obscure spoken verse. I suspect it would be difficult to wrap music around it. Your theme of self-discovery is a good one. I’d suggest re-writing the story using simple, relatable terminology. If you re-write the lyric, please label all the sections (i.e. verse, pre-chorus, chorus, bridge, etc.). I strongly suggest that you get hold of a couple of good basic books on lyric writing (e.g. ‘Songwriting for Dummies’ by Austin, Peterik, & Lynn; I found it, among others, invaluable), as well as study the lyrics of some of your favourite songs. This will help give you an idea of how lyrics can be constructed. I also recommend sites like www.patpattison.com or ralph murray’s website. http://www.songwriting.net/blog/topic/ralph-murphy I hope my observations will be useful. (By the way, I don't know which 'pros' Kuya was referring to in his post above. To my knowledge, there are no professional lyricists/songwriters on this forum. Certainly the prolific lyricists/long-time members welcome feedback, and generally implement at least some of the suggestions made by other Musers [if those suggestions are considered to benefit the lyric].) ----------------------------------------------------- (Verse) Left my comfortable deceit For Length well worth It's price No idea what this means. Learned from past events foreseen With Faithful ear of eyes exposing freedom Is this another verse? If so, it should match the length and metering of the first verse. Gripped by hidden lands and fruits Strayed from grief we spawned Who is ‘we’? Under stars and fullest moons Unashamed I flaunt as nude as boobs that face this sunset drawn The phrase ‘as nude as boobs’ is jarring, as it’s unexpected slang, and has no connection at all with the rest of the section (other than the word 'flaunt'). The image of nude boobs facing the drawn sunset is perplexing. And what is it that the singer is flaunting? exposing freedom eXposed freedom Is this another verse? Blind by bondage brought by binds What is the message? I assume you mean the singer was blinded as a result of having been bound to convention, etc., but this message needs to be clearer. The use of 'binds' as a noun here is also odd. Pray you see these plaines I presume you mean ‘plains’? Whom are you addressing? The POV has shifted from first person to second person. Plant my seed and multiply Who are you telling to plant your seed? Why the switch now to procreation? Make my kingdom reign for namesake Do you mean make the kingdom grow and flourish so that the singer’s heirs will benefit? (Chorus) We would generally say that a king – not a kingdom – reigns. Even if the story were complete and understandable, I think the chorus would need to give us something more than 7 repeated lines + 'exposed kingdom'. Make my kingdom reign Make my kingdom reign Make my kingdom reign Make my kingdom reign Make my kingdom reign Make my kingdom reign Make my kingdom reign eXposed Kingdom
  17. 2 points
    Hello and welcome, I'll be honest. It didn't grab me and pull me in enough to make me want to decipher the lines. I almost think you're trying too hard here. Your explanation certainly explains some of the lyric, but you didn't sell it enough for me to invest emotionally. A lot of it just comes across as overreach. my comments may seem harsh but your website presents you as a lyrics expert offering professional advice to others. I assume that you would only want unvarnished feedback. For what it's worth I am an amateur so my comments have no recognized credentials behind them. Some of the pros here don't even read feedback from amateurs. So use or lose, keep or sweep, as we say. In any event, I'm looking forward to edits and more lyrics from you. Again, welcome.
  18. 2 points
    FYI - MuseSongwriters IS social media...it simply caters to a narrower demographic than most (Facebook, Twitter, etc). I'm pointing that out because MANY I come across in web-land seem to share your view...that they have risen above the fray because they've opted out of major platforms. Bottom line - if you're online, discussing anything with anyone in a publically available platform, you ARE a participant in social media. Sorry to interrupt the discussion flow...as you were
  19. 2 points
    I recently discovered this technique (though I've only used a drastic mid range filter so far, I'll have to try it with some distortion) and it really works wonders. No problematic artifacts on good speakers and a nice, present track on lower quality speakers. It has definitely been put into my every-mix-tricks protocol.
  20. 2 points
    Not necessarily, it will add a bit of mid or high freq info, but because it's in sync with the bass / kick tracks, on speakers that have good bass response, the original tracks will be louder, just with a bit of added sparkle. The key here is to be subtle with the aux track level, it's usually a lot lower than the original track. Anyway, try it and see, it isn't always needed, but a good tool to have handy when you do.
  21. 2 points
    There's an old adage that goes "It's easier to start a good habit then to stop a bad one" After too many years of still smoking while giving up other vices I can agree. Do you noodle on your instrument? While noodling over things you may have learned early on can be a means to developing newer ideas more often it's not. If you aren't applying yourself to the instrument and just going through a motion for the sake of going through the motion you aren't gaining anything. If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always had. Do you beat the dead horse playing the same songs you have of which you'll never perform? Same thing. It took me a long time to get past this. Maybe I'm not fully past it. I play a killer version of Stairway to Heaven have since the 80's. Last time I performed it at a paying gig was...98. Last time I performed it for anyone aside from myself was 2004. I've found that when I stop playing the songs I played in the 70's and 80's I may be a little rusty at first but within a weeks time they come back. And then.... I'm still not going to play them in public or for videos anytime in the near future. Do you play songs all the way through? A funny thing about human memory. When you remember something that you have already remembered. Your remember from the last time you remembered. You don't get the full access to the original memory. If you are just playing for the parts you like... your noodling and it's working against you. Do you have a Teacher/Coach. Can he/she help you achieve your goals? Honestly some are just looking for an easy babysitting gig. And more often than not that's what a student uses them for. I had this great teacher. I keep on thinking of going back to him as a coach, simply because he helped me maintain/attain my goals in a way that a buddy system never could. When I first came to him, I had a million ideas regarding theory that I'd read and read and read over again but I could never put them to use. Even though they were not "his style" he had the benefit of knowledge and experience and helped me work through them which has guided me through my musical landscape ever since. Years later I came back to him as he was the only one who could really cue into my ideas. I would pay him to listen to my songs and renditions of other songs. If my performance was so-so he would be reserve and try to highlight the things that may help me improve without damaging my delicate ego. If I was playing at my best his response's would be natural and after a minute, he'd ask "What do you need me for" Sure posting videos, music on a forum is a "next best thing". Sometimes the polite response or non response isn't what one needs. Do you push the envelope? I can't begin to tell you all how I'll be steady and stagnate in my musical direction. Find a new thing throw my passions into it and put everything aside. Very rarely does this "new way" take hold and leave everything in the past behind. Sometimes the new aspect gets re invented and absorbed into my guitar playing. Sometimes even after gaining a certain level of mastery in the new way. I'll still walk away from it. The last major direction move that has really stuck is the way I use two handed tapping and picking (sometimes sparingly) when writing my own chord/melody arrangements of jazz standards. I love it to tears and even then sometimes it's a hindrance not a help. Most recently I've adopted a more "Conventional" method for finger style solo arrangements. It's hurting now. I'm struggling to find my way but I see it as a long term growth for my playing so I'm sticking to it. I also think it's okay if you've found your happy place. Most artists pushing new frontiers in playing have a 10 year run on expanding boundaries then settle in. Are your tools/aids becoming your crutches? I had a student for a very short time who was interested in learning guitar. He bought this app that he connected his guitar to his phone would give him performance feedback. It was like a game. The problem was he could not take what he learned from the app without running the app. He already was playing tons of video games online and to him it wasn't as enjoyable as his other gaming experiences. He would maybe pull the app out twice a week. As for what I tried to teach him. He would make a vague attempt at practice the day before the next lesson. So the majority of the next lesson would be a recap of the previous lesson. His playing guitar playing didn't last long. My greatest aid / crutch through the last 20 some years has been band in a box. I love the thing. It's like playing with a real band. A real band that follows your selected instructions, then completely ignores you. Yet it sounds like they are really tight and getting into each others vibes. It has tonnes of learning tools inside. Everything from "create a solo in the style of..." to Chord Sol in the fretboard view which will take the melody of a song and after choosing an artist stylings will create a chord/melody arrangement. (Sorry Tom I'm preaching biab again). Though the years I've widdled down all the features I could use to those I need to use for songwriting. For me I need to see the complete picture (song form) first and then the progressions for the sections (intro, verse, pre-chorus, chorus etc) So I open the program, Do a quick layout of the changes, insert the chord names. Then I'll pick a style and try to keep it down to drums and bass as I work out how I want the parts to go. Then I'll export the midi to my favorite daw, make adjustments for drum fills and breaks playing my own on LaunchPad Pro and assemble the rest. Do you sufficiently play/practice all of your instruments? I'm no Tom Hoffman, I have the ultimate respect for him as he can and does it all. I've stopped playing many of the instruments I've played in the past. Like... Drums. I never had my own real kit. I did have a cheap electronic kit that used to be found at your average walmart. I could play something that was plausible but not spectacular when called to do so. I stopped playing banjo mostly because there can only be one Bela Fleck. Left the uke and mandolin behind as well as the harmonica. I used to be a very solid bass player. For a time I was in a Blues Rock / jam band. When you host these each of the guys in the band will want to take a break when a jammer comes up to play. It was my duty (all of ours actually) to fill in the other parts. I'd play synth/keys stuff via my Roland GK/GR systems when the part needed it. I'd play leads when I could, I'd play rhythm guitar and bass as well. You wouldn't believe the amount of bands that would approach me to be the bassist or psuedo keyboard player in their band(s). Truth being said... I wanted to be the lead guitarist most of all and I didn't want to give up that goal for someone else. So now I play three instruments. The ztars are dead and I can't afford another. I play guitar, LP Pro and when I need more expressive power via midi I break out the Artiphon Instrument One. Not because the artiphon is the most playable or feature rich mpe device. Simply because it's all I have to work with. My Korg nanoKey studio is just there for the knobs, buttons and x/y controller. But I also have a compulsive addictive personality. When I get into a guitar mode everything gets cast to the side. What is your practice regiment? One of the best books I've ever read and I should re read soon is "The Inner Game of Music" https://www.amazon.com/Inner-Game-Music-Barry-Green/dp/0385231261 Among all the other great wisdom passed on was that morning even if it means getting up earlier is the best time to seriously study your instrument. Do you practice daily? Do you focus on things you don't know or are struggling with? Do you simply go through the motions as a means of staying sharp? Do you separate practice time from writing / performance time? If you are actively performing daily as a living is practice worth it?
  22. 2 points
    Hi kuya I'm reading a limerick in the verses - careful there or it might get a comedic vibe For me the chorus needs work: Tell me to jump in the lake if you want to Paul
  23. 2 points
    Personal life experiences/stories are the best ones - good idea and start here Paul! If you could weave your son or grandson into the verse (and bridge) more then this would work a treat. For me the songs potential charm is in the very surprising adult viewpoint your son took when he couldn't hold himself back and said "Use your words, boy". I wanted more of that brought out in the story. Tough to do but potentially a killer song idea you have here. Good luck with it Paul Andy
  24. 2 points
    @PaulCanuck, Nice concept. I don't think it's too preachy. The words that are used in the first two lines of verse three are somewhat awkward. I can't think of anything different right now, but I think it's worth brainstorming something different that maintains the same message. I like the idea of the opening verse speaking to a child, but the example that is used is about babbling (I picture a baby in a high chair). In this case "use your words" seems to be about teaching a baby to speak. The song, however, is founded on the expression "use your words" which is to say that people should talk things through rather than harboring resentment or resorting to violence. Could the opening example be set about a parent or grandparent speaking to two siblings on the verge of fighting due to a misunderstanding or something like that?
  25. 2 points
    I think the topic of the song is a strong one, but I want to pull out a couple of your verses which i think just "sing" very well in my mind (and could be the seed of an entirely new song!) I'm drowning on dryland I'm stuck in the quicksand I'm caught in a whirlwind Swept up in a dustpan My heart is an eggshell Dropped down in a deep well The gravity's pulling Me downward to hell i think overall these sing no cleanly (with the exception of the last line with is a bit off) - but the first line is the killer, and its a concept you could carry to the other verses. Drowning on dryland? So brilliantly impossible. but then the other lines are actually possible, whereas they would be really exceptional if you kept the impossible thing going I'm drowning in dryland Sleeping in quicksand Inside the whirlwind Swept up in a dustpan