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  1. 4 points
    I know it still needs work, but I could use some fresh eyes. Edits-better or worse? Wishful drinking Revised Feb 22 My life ain't that shitty I can drink these girls pretty I look almost good For a guy pushing fifty Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems My truck ain't a clunker It's still got one bumper And knows the way home When I get even drunker Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems My house ain't a pig stye I could work I'm a smart guy Got so many friends They wave as they pass by Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I may be deluded But I have concluded Best way through life Is to just stay polluted Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I know I'm not wealthy BR Drinking ain't healthy And my sober self sees I ain't d'purtiest man half alive I'm aware that my boozing S'just a method I'm choosing to keep life amusing As I slowly nosedive ... but ... Wishful drinking S'got me thinking My life ain't a stinking old wicked bad dream -------------------------------------------------------------------- Wishful drinking original posted version My life ain't that shitty I can drink these girls pretty I look pretty good For a guy almost fifty Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems my life doesn't stink half as much as it seems (?) My truck ain't a clunker And I've still got one bumper It knows the way home If I get any drunker Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I may be deluded But I have concluded Best way through life is keep getting polluted Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems My house ain't a pig stye At work I'm the big guy People look up to Admire and ask my advice Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems I'm not all that wealthy BR pt 1 Damned sure not healthy look at myself see I Ain't d'purtiest man half alive I know that my boozing BR pt2 S'the method I'm choosing Just to keep life amusing In my eternal quest to survive Wishful drinking Has me thinking My life ain't as stinking bad as it seems
  2. 3 points
    Creative Types Sometimes I write to pass the time I'm OCD about the rhymes I've been this way since I was small I've written since I can't recall I found this place they call the Muse I post my stuff for the abuse The Forum cast is quite diverse And some are handy with a verse For some the tunes are why they're here But other's expertise is gear I've learned so much in observation Sharing in the conversation Yeah we all have our points of view Some skin so thin it's black and blue We're hoping for that lightning spark While mostly toiling in the dark So what's the point for all this tripe? Because we're all creative types We dodge the barbs from week to week We help each other with the tweaks
  3. 3 points
    I'll never get why people obsess over what they find offensive instead of indulging in what they find pleasurable. Maybe they find pleasure in being offended? IDK. Peace
  4. 3 points
    Like No One Ever Has Tee Porter Verse 1 I know I just met you Earlier tonight But I can already tell This feels so right.... It can't be wrong Verse 1 (continued) And that look in your eyes Tells me I ain't crazy If you're feeling what I'm feeling Let's get out of here baby Oh, oh Chorus I'm gonna love you, to the moon and back Through thick and thin The good and the bad I'm gonna love you, happy or sad Through fire and rain Til' the day I pass I'm gonna love you, like no one ever has Verse 2 I'll make you feel special make you feel wanted Take my sweet time And cherish every moment Verse 2 (continued) I'll tell you every day So you'll always know Just What you mean You're the only one I want Oh, oh Chorus I'm gonna love you, to the moon and back Through thick and think The good and the bad I'm gonna love you, happy or sad Through fire and rain Til the day I pass I'm gonna love you, like no one ever has Instrumental break Oh darling, I'm gonna love you, to the moon and back Through thick and thin The good and the bad I'm gonna love you, happy or sad Through the fire and rain Til the day I pass I'm gonna love you, like no one ever has Yeah I'm gonna love you, like no one ever has Like No One Ever Has
  5. 3 points
    I have certainly received allot of help from some very skillful writers. I’m more than a little thankful, and have incorporated your ideas. I hope we're getting closer. Now a few additional tweaks to consider please scroll down for last version Montana Love Story ...... .....or Hold On Honey??? Copyright 2018 ~ J.W. McMichael On a night when the stars hung in their Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines He closed his eyes and heard hear the river beckon Felt the glowing embers in the fire PC1 With a full moon rising from the canyon Lonesome cry of a coyote in the night He caressed the soft skin of his companion Saw the firelight flicker in her eyes Ch1 She said hold on Honey, let’s take our time tonight Nowhere to be, the moment’s right Hold me tight and move real slow, tenderly and don't let go.......thanks Donna! We'll be soaring where the Eagles fly V2 When the crocuses carpeted the tundra... ...alpine tundra is anything above tree line (in Montana, above 8,000 ft.). Chiming Bells and lupine lined the hills They camped where the waterfall thundered And rode their appaloosas down the trail Bridge The years passed and Spring turned into Winter The icy paths grew steep and hard to climb In their cabin while the snows blew through December She grew ill and died there in his arms PC2 He saw the full moon sink into the canyon Heard the cry of a coyote in the vast...... ...... From dictionary.com: "noun. 3. (mainly poetic) the vast, immense or boundless space." Kissed the silent lips of his companion And whispered, Girl I'll meet you in the pass Ch2 He said hold on Honey, it's gonna be alright I'll lie beside you here tonight The one I can't live without, so I'll just let the fire burn out And we'll be on that final pony ride Tag Today as the sun rose in its Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines He closed his eyes, could hear the angels beckon Two souls met in the blue Montana sky ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Previous version: V1 On a night when the stars hung in their Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines He closed his eyes and could hear the river beckon Feel the warm embers glowing in the fire PC1 With a full moon rising from the canyon Lonesome cry of a coyote in the night He caressed the soft skin of his companion Saw the firelight flicker in her eyes Ch1 She said hold on Honey, let’s take our time tonight Nowhere to be, the moment’s right Spoon me close and move real slow, tenderly and don't let go There's no rush up here where the Eagles fly V2 When the crocuses carpeted the tundra Columbine and lupine lined the hills They camped where the waterfall thundered And rode their appaloosas down the trail Bridge The years passed and Spring turned into Winter The icy paths grew steep and hard to climb In their cabin while the snows blew through December She grew ill and died there in his arms PC2 He saw the full moon settle in the canyon Heard the cry of a coyote in the vast His lips pressed to the lips of his companion He whispered, Girl I'll meet you in the pass Ch2 He said hold on Honey, it's gonna be alright I'll lay beside you here tonight I know it’s cold but please be strong, Doctor said it won’t be long Until I take that final pony ride Tag Today as the sun rose in its Heaven A restless wind rustling thru the pines When folks say all his sins will be forgiven Two souls met in the azure Winter sky
  6. 3 points
    I don't think any of us have a right not to be offended. I do think we have a right to feed back to those giving offence (and they have a right to ignore our feedback or to take it on board). We also have a right to ignore offensive material and not comment at all (which is sometimes the most wounding feedback of all).
  7. 3 points
    After watching the movie Awakenings with Robin Williams I wrote this. Quite an amazing story if you haven't seen it. IN STRANGE FIELDS In strange fields their minds run free, passed the border, passed sanity? lost in secrets, trapped, alone, their thoughts, their dreams, allowed to roam, inside their heads, in tiny ships there’s laughter and tears and pleasure trips outside it’s cold in here it’s warm, in here you’re safe from the human storm, corridors, so clean and neat emotions wrapped in starched white sheets, eyes that hold a thousand tears words so quiet, no one hears, your trees seem fruitless dead, no yield, some have tried to reach your fields, measured potions to you are fed WATCH OUT! They’re trying to sneak into your HEAD!
  8. 3 points
    The style of this screams punk to me, not rap. For rap, you'd need more sophisticated rhyme scheme unless you're trying for old school. Punk is also more amenable to the heavy handedness (or directness, if you prefer) of the lyrics. As far as the message... though of the liberal persuasion personally, I too think the accusation of racism is often tossed out too casually. Problem is, it's also dismissed just as casually... if not moreso. This reticence of self reflection demarcates what could be a bit of a Rosetta Stone to bridge the seemingly binary ideological standoff from merely the same tired knee-jerk reactionary straw man arguments the p.o.v. wants to bury his head in. Eg. That "so you think that all lives should matter" is so obtuse to the actual argument, and this fact pointed out so many times it can only be reasonably interpreted that those who share this talking point are willfully trying to obscure or deny the message of the mantra from which it derives. Point being, it's easy pointing out the other's hypocrisies (especially when you straw man their positions) but much more difficult (and yet fruitful) to find your own. This song will work fine, in a generic way, for rallying those who agree with you and for annoying those that don't - but if you want to achieve art, dig deeper.
  9. 3 points
    Perfectly sums up what's going on right now. Brilliant piece of social commentary. Best piece of art I've come across in awhile. Good work. Dan
  10. 2 points
    Something simple, no music, any thoughts? Thanks, Dan. (the stars are back Kuya!) be on your way don’t waste your time on me move on and just leave me be I ain’t looking for love today so move on and be on your way save all your kisses for somebody new for someone who’s able to hold on to you I ain’t looking for love today So move on and be on your way Chorus I never needed nobody’s love never needed romancin’ and all o’ that stuff I never gazed at the stars and cried and I won’t sing love songs that tell you lies love it ain’t easy, love it ain’t free I tried it once but it wasn’t for me I gave her my heart but she tore it apart so move on, move on and be on your way I come and go as I please I’m free as a bird on the breeze love it came once but it didn’t stay so move baby and baby be on your way
  11. 2 points
  12. 2 points
    Another few tweaks shown in green 02/16/2018. I decided to personify "Alzheimer's" in the first two lines to make it less "scientific" sounding. Thanks to everyone who hung in with this as it developed. Thanks to all who commented - updated 02/09/2018 This was my contest entry last month - I was pleased with its placement despite the formidable competition it faced. I now have music written so looking for finishing touches from you kind folks The Trouble Is.. Copyright 2018 Tennyson Road Music Alzheimer's is a terrible disease devil and a thief It He runs off with the ones you love, steals their memories So when I visit Dad and see his distant eyes I know I'm just another face he doesn't recognize He talks of to Mom like she is still around But it's almost 20 years now since we laid her in the ground He wouldn't be as safe, if he were living on his own But the trouble is.. he thinks he'll soon be home ch And he talks of how he sees her waiting there And he tells me how she's waiting for him there With her Mona Lisa smile, And her Judy Garland hair Says she's busy in the kitchen, makin' supper on the stove And the trouble is: he thinks he'll soon be home I'll spare you all the grief of when he died Suffice to say I kissed his cheek goodbye, then I cried I knew that soon I'd lose him, but if the truth were known The trouble is.. Yeah, the trouble is.. I lost him years ago .....instr... It goes against what common sense says happens to our souls But, the trouble is.. I know he made it home And he held her in his arms when he got there Kissed her Mona Lisa smile, Touched her Judy Garland hair They had supper in the kitchen, got caught up around the stove Though it goes against most everything my common sense, I know The trouble is.. The trouble is.. The trouble is.. I know he made it home.
  13. 2 points
    My Valentine (tweaks in red) V1 You warm me on these cold and wintry nights Beside me to make everything alright Beside me no matter what my plight I taste you on my lips and I’m entranced My spirit is lifted freed to dance They tell me you're no good for me My friend’s say your no good for me What you give me they will never see C1 My Secret Valentine My amber concubine Into your waiting arms I gently slide My private valentine Your embrace so sublime The only one that’s always by my side V2 Was empty until you filled my heart Was lonely until you won my heart Now I can't think of us apart Now I can barely think of us apart I savor your embrace and the escape The loneliness and hurt just dissipates Not happy with this, still thinking on it The loneliness and hurt you extricate I touch you and my hands begin to shake I ache for you left humbled in your wake C2 My Secret Valentine My amber concubine Into your waiting arms I gently slide My liquid Valentine My sweet Kentucky shine The only one that’s always by my side Solo C3 My secret valentine My amber concubine Into your waiting arms I gently slide My liquid Valentine My sweet Kentucky shine The only one that’s always at my side The only one that’s always at my side Thought this appropriate for the Day. Silly little throw away, a darker take on the Valentine's Day.
  14. 2 points
    Could be wrong but I'm thinking this could relate to the average person today in the digital age, who is obsessed with and overly attached to the technology and all it has to offer. Use of "binary code" leads me to believe its use here is in some way insidious, but whatever the meaning is in its contextual use here, we are disconnected from each other and stuck in what we've got in a culture of dissatisfaction. English for the most part is good with a few bumpy spots in the word dept that might be difficult to sing as noted above. Consider alternatives for "binary code" and "sticking", but I have a funny feeling after digesting this a couple of times that the binary code here is key unless you mean technology or some other aspect of it. I only throw this into the mix and give it thought because you make mention early on that English is not your first language. But, I will stick with my gut, binary code is key and yes insidious and perhaps so is the title, Birds of November. Hmm November at least in my neck of the woods is an election month. Anyway.................... Suggestion: expand this a bit more, not much but a little and tighten the lines and meter if you think it can be sung.
  15. 2 points
    (Second draft changes in red)... I was watching the Olympic ladies ice dancing this morning when the young Russian Evgenia came on - absolutely beautiful to watch her dance choreography and the atmosphere/music/occasion quite brought a tear to my eye - I've made a rather poor attempt to capture some of the wonderful atmosphere and feeling in this quick lyric attempt. All comments and suggestions to improve it welcomed - thanks! Andy Skate For Your Life (Watching You Fly, Evgenia) © 2018 Andy LeFevre Verse 1 The Crowd holds their breath Expectation fills the air In the middle of that ice arena A young girl’s standing there Alone Verse 2 Short white blue dress Long slender sculptured legs Concentrating, her eyes closed Preparing the woven threads To come PreChorus (heart beat here) And then the music starts Chorus 1 Skate for your life Glide ‘cross the ice Blades cutting through, to hold you. Arms circle round Spinning through the air Tears in our eyes, watching you fly Watching you fly Evgenia Verse 4 The crowd’s going wild To her ballet perfect moves Such graceful steps in time Ice writing artist grooves Hall marked PreChorus And then the music builds Chorus 2 Skate for your life Glide ‘cross the ice Blades cutting through, to hold you. Arms circle round Spinning through the air Tears in our eyes, watching you fly Watching you fly Evgenia Bridge The hours, the pain The early morning rain Childhood’s lost Boyfriends past Now’s come the moment to excel at last We’re watching you fly Watching you fly Evgenia Chorus 3
  16. 2 points
    The style is dream pop. I'm guessing most of the people here aren't familiar with this genre. Think Lana Del Rey. This is one of my favorite lyrics. I'm not surprised it didn't score all that well in the contest. I imagine most readers had a hard time hearing it in their heads. Plus it doesn't seem to fit into the long form story writing style that makes up the majority of lyrics on the site. It actually sings quite beautifully - slow and brooding. White Valentine ©2018 FrankeeLee Fabian V A white valentine The color of death Arrived in the mail Drained of emotion Will you be mine That was the question A white valentine Seeking devotion PC A memory that feels like a crime This white valentine CH Take me Far away From the past To a place Oh, take me Far away That I may Find peace and grace At last And free my troubled mind From this white valentine V Should I send back A poison love letter Will that be the end Or is this a game When love turns to hate It’s cruel and it hurts If I only knew how I’d stop all this pain PC A moment still frozen in time This white valentine CH Take me Far away From the past To a place Oh, take me Far away That I may Find peace and grace At last And free my troubled mind From this white valentine BR I wish I had never let you inside You made your home in my bed I feel I’ve been drained of all of my life I might have been better off dead (pause) I would have been better off dead CH Take me Far away From the past To a place Oh, take me Far away That I may Find peace and grace At last And free my troubled mind From this white valentine
  17. 2 points
  18. 2 points
    In verse 1, you confuse the tense which is consistently present-tense aside from just "expectation filled the air" so I'd replace that perhaps with "expectation fills the air". The tense does fit the in-the-moment-capture type of theme you describe for the song. I love the prechorus line "and then the music starts" - that's exactly the kind of catchy thing that can snag the imagination and help bring the listener along on your journey with you. The chorus flows wonderfully. Have to concur with Anna there on the verse 4 line "ballerina silky moves" feeling grammatically awkward. It's rather fragmentational, unlike the rest of the words. I think something like "silky ballet moves" would suffice here, and feel less clumsy. Another great prechorus line, showing the progress of the thing you're enthralled by. Really like these. Hope those suggestions are helpful.
  19. 2 points
    Hey This could make a pretty cool song I think. The only lines I felt were a bit out of place while reading though was - 1 - Ballerina silly moves (v3) I think it could be worded a bit better. 2 - Ice writing artist grooves(v3) I didn't completely understand the wording of this line... 3 - Dancing the woven threads To come (v2) The only problem I had with this line was that it doesn't make sense to first say that she's dancing and weaving threads across the ice....and then suggest it hasn't happened it yet. The 'To come' part doesn't really fit in with the previous line. Apart from some minor glitches like this.....I think you're well on your way!
  20. 2 points
    Hi Paul, Chorus suggestion And He talks to her. he sees her. For him to tell us how he sees her standing there doesn't make sense, because he'd sound too self aware. Of course he sees her! The people I've been around with this issue are just talking; they're not analyzing the fact that they're seeing a long dead person. They mistake a younger person today for a lved one from the past. A daughter for her mother. He talks to her. He sees her. The other thing is the opening line sounds about as un-songlike as you can get. I mean you don't lead up to that line as i would expect you to. It's all of a sudden...BAM... there it is, and it just as easy could be the opening line to a med commercial or a nursing home commercial. Having said that, I like this. It's tough to write.
  21. 2 points
    Fab lyric Paul - a few tiny nits above for me and one big one at the end. Regardless though of these point - it's a really, really good lyric. Andy
  22. 2 points
    You capture my favorite parts of country. You tell a good story and you let the accompaniment be just that. you trust your vocals to carry the song and you do it well. Patty has made some good suggestions i really don't have anything to offer that she hasn't already said. very nice song.
  23. 2 points
    Needs a mood or emotion. Right now, the lyric is more of an outline of what happened then a reaction to the events. The guys kind of pathetic waiting 8 years before smacking his forehead with his hand and saying "that girl in Wyoming, of course!" Story and construction are okay just needs some emo to go with it. I hope this helps.
  24. 2 points
    One of the posts that started this discussion included a music video that was banned by Youtube for pornographic content. I closed that thread and I would do it again with no hesitation. I'm not against pornography, I just don't think it has a place here.
  25. 2 points
    This one just didn't grab my attention.
  26. 2 points
    I love this, such a great idea and the lyrics are amazing, particularly the chorus! The outro is super cool and creative and I could imagine it sounding so good! Great job!
  27. 2 points
    I AM OUTRAGED!!!!!! But seriously... if we wish to complain, how about all those national anthems for offensiveness? And how about the entire history of popular music? And even folk? What do we understand "The Foggy Foggy Dew" to be about, for instance? Or "I Gave My Love A Cherry"? Or even Shakespeare? (Anyone heard of Thomas Bowdler?) Quincy Jones recalls that around the age of 20, his first recording with Dinah Wahington was a tune called 'I Love My Trombone-Playing Daddy with His Big Long Slidin' Thing'. What I am saying is that, quite apart from being an untroubling irrelevance, this is not at all a new thing.
  28. 2 points
    Back in the days when life was black and white I like it a lot but I found it a little confusing And I also remember the black and white days This is how I remember them Back in the days when life was black and white Things were much better back then Although the homeless slept in doorways While the righteous prayed and some of us even starved But I'd rather be there than how we live now In the black and white days, life was tough But their was always bread on the table And we always shared what little we had Back in the days when life was black and white
  29. 2 points
    I am a little more discriminating. I like the country music that I like - but, as in all commercial genre categories, there is still much which is clichéd and formulaic. The country music that I listen to most regularly is from the '20s and '30s - before Henry Ford and George Hay interfered and re-packaged it as inoffensive family fare. New-Grass is cool, though. I like that very much.
  30. 2 points
    You have some really excellent one liners and couplets spread though-out this lyrics. My major crit would be the lack of focus on your hook (weather metaphor to a relationship) and the rather nebulous title, which should really be the focus of your hook. Maybe some thing like "Hurricane" or "Wirlwind" would work... Some comments below. Andy Found this draft and am trying to breathe some life into it. Let me know what you think of the lyrics: V1: you were like a bullet you were right on target go ahead and watch me die you’re the smoke and powder I really like this line, for another song though. you’re the sound of thunder I am blinded by your light this line has been done a zillion times before Good imagery here but except for the 5th line, all these lines are not focusing/supporting your hook - they are for a gun and bullet metaphor hook... and when I scraped my knees and you heard me cry out you went and cut yourself to see what the crying was about. Excellent 4 lines here!- fresh and interesting. Chorus 1: hurricane, I’m drowning in your rain no time to run before you hit me once again you knew that you were gonna break me down Good focus on the hook of your song here. Maybe pointing to "Hurricane" as a better working title...? Feels like it's lacking a couple of more chorus lines here for me... V2: I am made of glass I am made of iron I shatter and I melt for you you want everything your name is desire want to see if you melt too? Excellent verse here - but it's for another song though - I don't see how this fits in with the hook. To follow on with your verse form here something like: "I am like bamboo, I am like the reeds, bending in your wind, rustling in your breeze" would focus back in with your hook... you like to make me think make me believe that you have learned and then you beat me down just to see if I can hurt Yes! - this is back on track with your hook and has good meaning and imagery Chorus 2: hurricane, I am drunk on your spin you taste like poison, you taste like sin and you knew that you were gonna break me down Bridge: ...you’re a force of nature with which I can’t contend but you’d rather watch me break than try and help me bend... Most excellent Bridge here!! Really on track and supportive of your intended hook!
  31. 2 points
    Hi Jelly, Thanks so much. I like it too....even though I've had a couple complaints. It's much easier for me to judge because I know the music and melody. One thing I've learned about songwriting is that the music expands the meaning of a lyric. It helps clarify, lift and propel it. That's because, when the prosody of the music comes into play, the lyric comes to life. Some lyrics might seem sparse and incomplete when read, but become understandable and wonderful when heard. That's the magic of performance. So much has to do with tastes and preferences. Lyrics aren't exactly poems.....they are words set to music. Sometimes lyrics are fairly concise stories, other times they can be very abstract. The possibilities are infinite and so often beauty is in the ear of the beholder. This just happens to be a rather poetic lyric with a sad story. My goal is to make this sad song understandable, beautiful, interesting, emotional and meaningful.....to go with the music/melody I composed. It's a lofty goal, and there is no way I can get everybody to like it because of subjectivity and varying tastes. But I'm pretty sure that once I get the lyric right, record and post the song in the songs section the reaction will be very positive. Maybe you'll check back once I've completed the rewrite....and maybe you'll get a chance to hear the song once I record. I really appreciate your taking the time to read the lyric and your supportive comment. Joey
  32. 2 points
    To me, that's the problem. You have nothing but the same old bland subject matter popping out in different words. It is refreshing to read a different artistic perspective every now and then.
  33. 2 points
    Nice one kuya. Here's a reference track FYI - maybe sth bluesy like this would work?
  34. 2 points
    Yeah, when a chick cheats on me, I say, "Yeah, she lied.... on her back, that nasty b.....".... They'll sing it to you, and you'll never realize it, but that's what they was saying to you....
  35. 2 points
    She told me all her loving she’s [was] saving up for me But then i saw her cheating [ rocking? ] And then I caught her cheating in an S.U.V. But it was easy to believe Cause she lies she lies she lies
  36. 2 points
    You're way ahead of me, Onewholovesrock. I only have two subscribers
  37. 2 points
  38. 1 point
    Hi, Dan, I like the message here. It's refreshing. It could even be MORE exaggerated if you wanted to do that. Like emphasizing how much he DOESN'T want/need all the trappings of a relationship. "Lovers' words are just noise" kind of thing, (rhymes conveniently with "girls and boys.") It's interesting that your hook is in the verses, but not your Chorus. I don't know if that's good or bad; just different. In V3 the heart/apart rhyme is a little tired. But with a rewrite, perhaps this could be your Chorus. It seems to sum up your message, and it ends with your hook. Patty
  39. 1 point
    Not quite. There's a big difference. You might find this explanation interesting. https://www.google.nl/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=12&ved=0ahUKEwjOioCHnKPZAhVtTd8KHb2OA1kQFghvMAs&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.spiritedenterprise.com%2Fwitchvswiccan.htm&usg=AOvVaw0MSoDFbGz2m4yiYOIStag4 There are other sites as well that go into the differences.
  40. 1 point
    Hi, Anna Consider removing "Peter Pan" (which seems out of place) in this and replacing him with some other character who is darker and more ominous. Would make it even more interesting than it already is in my view. Title reminded me of a great vampire flick with a very similar title, The Lost Boys. If you have the chance take a look on the link I provided below. Maybe this can help with ideas to explore, although a vampire direction may not be what you want to sink your teeth into regarding what you've already written. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Lost_Boys
  41. 1 point
    Fix the bad grammar on tis one: '... goes'. Just sounds weird the way it is.
  42. 1 point
    We do get people posting stuff that is clearly just for promotional reasons - sometimes not even their own material! There is often some give away - the post may simply be "Awesome new groove from XXX!" or something. Generally, we just move this kind of post to the Self Promotion and Advertisements forum (unless it is clearly not even the artist who is posting, in which case I will delete it - and, if the same poster keeps posting that stuff, ban the poster). Other than that, there are times when people want to share some work but don't want critiques. That's what Artist's Cafe is for. Maybe we should change the name to Artist's Showcase to make that clearer. Posts in Artist's Cafe could be songs, but could also be poems, paintings, whatever. Songs Feedback is used according to the wishes of the poster. There are many reasons someone may want feedback, some of which have been mentioned above - feedback for use in future songs, feedback that can be applied to live and future performances of the song, feedback on the mix/instrumentation/lyric. Not everyone will want to re-record their work following feedback and that's fine. Some, for example, mostly play live and only record to get that feedback (and recording can be a lot of work). And then there is the situation where, following feedback and having some space to listen to our own work with fresh ears, we put it quietly out of its misery (been there - done that!). Equally, some people will want to wait until they have done all they can to a song before they post it (and may even be kind of sick of it by this point) while others may want to post very early stages of a song so that they can get ideas and opinions on how to best develop it. All good, in my book. Some may simply be hoping for an "attaboy" - and that's fine too (though they may also get suggestions for improvement). In any event, I think I subscribe to the view that a song is never "finished" (we just stop actively working on it at some point). I think that, as long as the poster welcomes feedback, all is well. Better still if they also offer feedback to other people. If they don't welcome feedback and don't offer feedback, people stop posting on their material, generally. I think it works itself out. So, we have 3 areas on the forums. Self Promotion for the purely promotional stuff, Artist's Cafe if no feedback is requested and Songs Feedback for when feedback is welcome. We also have blogs. If anyone wanted to create a showcase blog with entries for each of their songs (or lyrics) that would also be fine. If they wanted to give the story behind each one, that would be even better. On the whole, I'm not sure we need anything else (maybe clearer signposting?). It will never be perfect and we will never be able to be certain of people's reasons for posting but I do think it works reasonably well. Of course, we all make choices about where and when we give feedback - and those choices are entirely our own to make too.
  43. 1 point
    Hi Paul, It's a REALLY good start - has a lot of potential. A few comments below - just mho, hope they are of some use. Andy Dark Cloud Copyright 2018 Tennyson Road Music Dark cloud - don't you threaten me no more Thought I'd seen the last of you in '94 Good opening setting the scene nicely. You've arrived on the horizon but I'm ready for the pour "You've arrived on the" seemed a little tame here to me. Maybe would have more impact if it arrived when he wasn't expecting it and when he wasn't ready for the pour (like in, presumably, '94?) Dark cloud - don't you threaten me no more I'm really liking the over all feel that you are setting up here in the verse. Dark cloud - don't you visit me again "visit"? - is a bit 'polite' for a blues song. Maybe "trouble" or something... I don't know why I ever let you in "ever let" is lacking 'kick' for me - maybe "...how you forced your way in" or something... Feels like you've come to haunt me most every place I've been "place"? - maybe "bar" - that's where all the blues guys hang out ;-) Dark cloud - don't you visit me again Part B Look at me: I got nothin' left to lose maybe "I ain't got...."? But I'm done with all the tears "with all the" seems like a lot of 'gold-dust' lyric space which is not really working very hard for the line. Maybe you could find some 'meat' here? - "I'm done with shedding heartache tears" or something. 5mins doodling with a beer in hand will inspire you! And I'm done with all the blues This line has been done a zillion times before - needs some sprucing up, some new angle - hard I know, but a 2nd beer should do it ;-) It's time you darkened someone else's door Same comment as the line above here... Dark cloud - don't you threaten me no more ok solo.. As for me, well, I got nothin' left to lose But I'm done with all those tears And I'm done with singin' blues 'bout time you darkened someone else's door Dark cloud - don't you threaten me no more Dark cloud - don't you threaten me no more Go rumble off some other distant shore YES!!!! A GOLD nugget - more please! If you insist on stickin' 'round here.. Really like the build-up intent in this line... Then you will be ignored... Nearly! - but I'm thinking a 3rd beer will buy you even more punch here - maybe an idea around "blow you away" or something... Dark cloud - don't you threaten me no more.
  44. 1 point
    I agree with Patty, 'angels glide' sounds really forced. Now that I look at the chorus more, maybe you need to rewrite a little more, your rhyme scheme is XAABBA for it AABCCB would flow much better. Joey - I'm sure you've read (here): if you have to explain it, it doesn't work! I understand your reasoning about the 'change' brought into play (her death) in the bridge, but sorry, to me it doesn't work to go from the 'past' to unknown years later so abruptly with no explanation. How about in PC1: Saw the firelight flicker in her eyes
  45. 1 point
    Awesome tune, my friend...........but, I think you should be the one singing. Lovely.......and an inspiration!!
  46. 1 point
    Hey folks, here's a song (for the open contest) based on awful things I saw in the news last year. It's told from the vantage point of the bad guy, who, as a metaphor for humanity, (I hope) starts to have a change of heart and (eventually) asks "What good will I do today?" "Good" Verse 1: I’m not tryin’ to be self righteous. I just can’t help it. I was born that way. Verse 2: Gonna grease my treads with your hot-dog cart! And ice the cake with my apathy. Pre-Chorus (or maybe a chorus??): I only give blood to put it on Facebook! even if I’m keeping it for myself. Maybe I need a revolution! Just to get my conscience off the shelf... Chorus (1&2): What good will I do today? Can I change the atmosphere of the world in a better way? Hey! Hey! Verse 3: Gonna watch a man drown. It’s gonna go viral. Put an epitaph down with a poignant ... LOL Verse 4: Got a snake in a can. Watch out he bite! Pretty sure this ain’t legal. Pretty sure this ain’t right. Bridge: Why can’t we have more Passion Compassion? (repeat several ~3x) Chorus (3): What good will I do today? I won’t sit like an emperor on the throne of yesterday . Hey! Hey!
  47. 1 point
  48. 1 point
    I agree with an amalgamation of many of the above posts. I think the fact that there's no key change between the verse and the chorus (not that there's anything wrong with that) makes it trickier to differentiate the two. So @TC Perkins suggestions would be well-taken. There's a place about 3/4 of the way through the chorus where your harmonic content is blurred. Again, and like TC suggested, mixing the chorus differently might make all the difference. As for the vocal - at first, I questioned the choice of vocalist. It's a great voice, but not necessarily the best match for this song. After a while, it didn't bother me so much, but I do wonder that changing the dynamics of the voice up a bit could make a big difference. Maybe more breathy in the verses.. I think part of the problem here is that the vocal range of the verses and the chorus are the same. Melodically, they're very similar, which goes back to the differentiation issue. Again, the key may be in the arrangement and mix choices. Oh boy, am I talking in circles or what? Love the vibe of the song. The lyrics are simple but they work with the song. Good stuff - Good luck with this. -Mark
  49. 1 point
    Nice melodic guitar playing here - it's got a nice classical laid-back feel to it. I'm hearing 2 guitars, a bass and some percussion. I'm hearing 2 distinct guitar sections repeated. It maybe worth adding a sense of movement with a modulating (maybe up a tone) at 1:30 - it's an old trick used by many composers to give a repetitive piece a lift but still essentially playing the same melody. The kaleidoscope images are cool in themselves (how is that being generated?). The colours and details in the shapes are quiet amazing. However, the shapes, colours and movement don't seem particularly synchronised to the music, except at the end (1:57) where a fade out of colour occurs to match the fade out of the music - that works well and by the use of all those emerging colours with the 2nd guitar section at 28sec. Why not use those images again when the 2nd guitar section repeats at 1:07? Think some more obviously related movement (or colour changes) of the image in time with the music would be effective. Well done both, it's a chilled out melodic music video - easy on the ear and eye! Andy
  50. 1 point
    Upbeat song with solid production. Overall, I liked it except the sheer number of repetitions on "...shining..." started to tax me. All in all, really well done. Peace, TC
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