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  1. 4 likes
    Copyright © 2017 Tennyson Road Music I bought a place in a little town in Alabam And I tried my very darnest to fit in Their ways seemed pretty strange to a Canuck (But we're pretty weird ourselves, so I can't talk) Met a waitress in the bar who they called Mabel She came over, set a bottle on my table But when I asked her for a glass to hold my beer She said "We frown on that sort of thing 'round here" We frown on that sort of thing 'round here Better ditch your fancy ways and switch your gears You city slickers think you're debonair But we frown on that sort of thing 'round here I asked around and soon I had a job And I made a few suggestions to my boss He said "Son, those sound like really good ideas!" "But we frown on that sort of thing 'round here" We frown on that sort of thing 'round here Better ditch your fancy ways and switch your gears We'll never change - we've been like this for years And we frown on that sort of thing 'round here My, how time flies by Soon their funny ways were mine I left behind my city days So don't be surprised when you hear me say Hey! We frown on that sort of thing 'round here Better ditch your fancy ways and switch her down a couple of gears We'll never change - we've been like this for years, and years And we frown on that sort of thing This town don't need no city bling! We frown on that sort of thing 'round here!
  2. 3 likes
    Before the thread goes over to another discussion about guns in America, I'd just like to say that there is a problem with political discourse, in my opinion. It's become almost tribal and much of it appears to me to revolve around the use of selective facts at best and deliberate lies at worst. The truth gets lost in the spin and the misinformation. With the rise of social media and the proliferation of the media in general there isn't enough factual news to fill the time available and sell the advertising, so the news is polluted with opinion pieces and we get to listen to the "news" that we choose to listen to. The result appears to be that we each end up living in a bubble of our own making. Maybe it was always this way, at least to an extent - we would buy the newspaper that reflects our own worldview - but it seems to me that we had better balance when I was younger, with more sources that would challenge the version of the news that we received from any one source. I'm now becoming aware that many people rely on Facebook and Twitter for their news - and both sources are unreliable, to say the least. I have a Facebook account. I barely post on it (I set it up to see what my kids were up to when they were younger, if I'm honest!) but I do look at it to keep up with what people are doing and to see any messages I have been sent. In the latest election, it struck me that I saw very few dissenting voices in my "news feed". It was dominated by one political point of view which likely reflected the type of people I "friended". I suspect this is true of most people, and it isn't good if we want a balanced view of the world and don't look elsewhere for that balance. We can also find ourselves thinking in a certain way about the world because we see things repeated and because memes can be powerful. But are they true? Let's take the "political hate" and violence thing, as that is what this thread is about. I believe that there are people at each end of the political spectrum who are violent. There are also people who are violent and/or disturbed, irrespective of their political leanings. They have always been with us and they could be stimulated into violence by the hyperbole and nonsense around the political discourse. However, the vast majority of people are NOT violent, even when they attend political protests. A protest can attract the violent and any violence will attract the media's attention, but I believe that most protesters are peaceful, from all sides. Is the rhetoric from the left violent and hateful? Well, yes, some of it is - and this isn't new. It comes from all sides of the spectrum, left and right. Yes, there was a version of Caesar put on in Central Park that had Caesar played by a Trump lookalike and that has caused some outrage. It is perhaps interesting to note that this isn't the first time the play has been staged using modern political figures - there was a version while Obama was President with an Obama lookalike and there has even been a version with a female lead, based on Hillary Clinton. It's a way of bringing the play into modern times and make us think about the story in a fresh way. However, as Cicero says in Act 1 Scene 3 "Indeed it is a strange-disposed time; but men may construe things after their fashion, clean from the purpose of the things themselves". What about Kathy Griffin and the severed head? It was poorly judged and wrong, of course. Is this type of stuff new? Well, let's see ... here are just a couple of examples ... It's not OK when either "side" does it. Has it always been this way and we are only now seeing it on a daily basis because it can be posted up so easily? Maybe. Does that encourage it to escalate so we see more of this kind of stuff? Maybe. Either way, it isn't OK. But we live in bubbles. Barneyboy says he didn't see anyone on the left condemning the shooting. All I saw was condemnations. Was Scalise the first person to be shot? Well, it brought to mind Gabrielle Giffords back in 2011 who was also shot by a deluded individual. There was some talk at the time that a Sarah Palinl ad could have inspired it - which was nonsense. Linking things that happen around the same time is something people do, but that doesn't mean there is any causal link. So, what's my point? I go back to the start - that there is a problem with political discourse (and with the increasing polarisation of society as we sink into our bubbles). I don't think it is about one side or the other and the vast majority of people are peaceful - but we all need to pay more attention to how we discuss our disagreements and we need to take far greater responsibility to question the memes and spin that surrounds us on a daily basis - to question what we are told and to make ourselves better informed.
  3. 3 likes
    This is really cute and clever. Can be a fun little song. Personally I like letting us know right up front you're in the car driving... just some ideas for the 1st verse. Every day I drive through It's those sparkling blue eyes I can't wait to hear you say Want a coke with those fries
  4. 3 likes
    Honestly, I'd be stunned if you actually had the balls to post a lyric for critique instead of always pointing out what you believe to be (with your self proclaimed informed opinion) mistakes others make with the things they say. Here we go folks. Get out the violins.
  5. 3 likes
    I wasn't going to write something about my city being attacked. It didn't feel right especially as I didn't know anybody who was directly caught up in it. Then I visited st Anne's square in Manchester city centre where the flowers were laid and respects were paid. I noticed bees all over the place attracted by the flowers. The worker bee is the symbol of manchester. Along with the silence it just seemed really poignant and it just got me. It inspired me to try to write something. The bees by the flowers on st Anne's square (V1) You will find no hate here On cobbled streets or terrace rooms Press a button disappear In st Anne's square something blooms (V2) You will find no hate here On town hall steps or primary schools The left of deansgate road stays clear Of tiny minded blinded fools (Chorus) Rain's our only weather Let the music of our own bring our bones together And cry no tears for us 'cause the bees by the flowers on st Anne's still buzz (V3) You will find no hate here You don't have to sell your soul Easy peasy commandeer Silly Billy on the dole (V4) You will find no hate here We know what your trying to do No division and no fear United city, red and blue (Chorus) Rain's our only weather Let the music of our own bring our bones together And cry no tears for us 'cause the bees by the flowers on st Anne's still buzz (Repeat chorus) (Bridge/outro) Now candles burn and spirits too, Brave runners run for me and you, Photographs, heartshaped balloons, Two two's in the middle saying twenty two, As rival fans lay scarves they bring, A silence falls on everything, Then a poet speaks and children sing, For the worker bee with a broken wing.
  6. 3 likes
    I think Bernie Sanders put it well. I have just been informed that the alleged shooter at the Republican baseball practice is someone who apparently volunteered on my presidential campaign. I am sickened by this despicable act. Let me be as clear as I can be. Violence of any kind is unacceptable in our society and I condemn this action in the strongest possible terms. Real change can only come about through nonviolent action, and anything else runs against our most deeply held American values. My hopes and prayers are that Representative Scalise, congressional staff and the Capitol Police Officers who were wounded make a quick and full recovery. I also want to thank the Capitol Police for their heroic actions to prevent further harm. https://www.facebook.com/berniesanders/?hc_ref=NEWSFEED&fref=nf Violence of any kind is unacceptable. I think there is much to protest about, but violent protest simply breeds violence and will not bring about anything good in a democracy.
  7. 3 likes
    Thanks so much for the reviews, you guys. I was afraid that this one would be confusing, and it's worse than I thought. All the parts are very connected, from the falling star through the "come hither" to "am I beauty?". Problem is, I wrote it too much in my head, and not enough in print. So while it describes itself perfectly, it barely explains itself at all. Thus it might as well be a Dio lyric. Bank on me rewriting it to fix that. John, thanks. :-) "Shout" wasn't in your post, it was only "out", so I couldn't be entirely sure what you meant. fabkebab, the music is supposed to range from beautiful semi-mellow to drop-tuned metal brutality. Prolly no shock there. It's meant to be a mini-epic. (Full disclosure: it's meant to be a "fan favorite", if I ever have fans.) It uses 3 tempos, of which about 120 is the fastest. There's a slow dust-settling part. SongWolfe, yep, "come hither" is archaic. That's exactly why I put it in there, in place of what was there before. It'll make sense when I rewrite the lyric to make sense. Not a single person yet has really understood it, and that is completely my fault. SnarkyAnarky, nice handle!! You might like "Problem With Authority" if I ever get around to tracking and posting it. Medium to slow tempo. The shorter lines are an extended bridge at the fastest of the 3 tempos it uses. Ron99, thx!! Not necessarily a "beautiful" ending, tho. Just a "brilliant" one. A flourish. My extended bridge keeps the theme, but I wrote it all so confusingly that no one has any way of catching that. Have problem - will fix. LyriCAL, not the end of the world, just.... Guys, I promise I will fix this so it makes sense. That's why I'm not explaining it now. It needs to explain itself. I will post the new version soon as it exists. Thanks, all of you!! :-)
  8. 3 likes
    When we begin to view these aberrations and atrocities as trite and trivial, discounting the absolute horror and savagery of them, that is when we ourselves have become trite and trivial, fully disconnected from compassion, empathy and our own humanity.
  9. 3 likes
    Well like I said at the top it's not usually my thing either but it was only when we went to the memorial that I felt compelled to write something because it was such a powerful experience. What can I say, perhaps you had to be there. Anyway if you even read the lyrics I would say they are not trite at all and I've tried to steer away from that. I've focused on the positivity felt around the city, how it seems to unite every one. Something I'm very proud of. Nobody's looking for sympathy around here except for those directly involved, who we all feel for. My guess is you read the first bit, realised it was about an atrocity, thought not another one, and then passed your little judgement
  10. 3 likes
    Yeah, too bad the white Christian got him first.
  11. 2 likes
    Green Eyes You say you flew to Paris When St. Thomas got too hot I’d like to say I’m glad for you But honestly I’m not I know I sound embittered And ungracious to my friends But the picture gets distorted When green eyes look through the lens (Chorus) Green eyes are making me blue Why do I always compare myself to you? Green eyes are making me blue They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you You never check a price tag And you always have a tan I don’t want to live like you do But I’m jealous that you can Envy is a traitor Who puts poison in the stew I make myself feel Less Than More than anything you do (Chorus) Green eyes are making me blue Why do I always compare myself to you? Green eyes are making me blue They’re coloring our friendship and how I think of you Green eyes are making me blue If I don’t get this figured out I’m going to lose you Don’t let me lose you
  12. 2 likes
    Charon is the boatsman\ferryman who takes the souls of the dead across the River Styx in Hades So I want to kill my sadness and send it on to him
  13. 2 likes
    Hi Cindy Another good one from you! Not much to offer - maybe streamline the chorus: Keep or sweep Paul
  14. 2 likes
    I wrote this from a memory I had of a swim with my kids when we lived near the Buffalo National River in Arkansas. Thought I would post it since it is about that time. Summer Swim © 2016 Cindy Prince Standing knee-deep in the river, Children screaming As drops of rain comes toward us With a cool splitter-splatter All the kids are giggling Wet faces beaming Then the rain comes even harder Like a drum's pitter patter Chorus The clean and clear water With the rock floor that's shining We find ourselves sighing Such a beauty to behold The river is ancient But we know it for for a time And we wait anxiously to climb Back on the bank dripping cold Small tongues stick out To taste all those raindrops Waiting to dive into The river's wide span The sun makes an appearance The rain suddenly stops And with a joyous outburst We dive into swim Repeat chorus
  15. 2 likes
    Hi Cindy I like how the verses don't really rhyme, but they feel like they rhyme - wish I could do that And I get a nostalgic vibe from this - gives me a warm feeling like I'm there. If I were to offer any suggestion, I would say that the chorus has elements of a verse in it. Things like: and: are telling or embellishing the story, but for a song to breathe (IMHO) the listener should get a break from hearing new facts in a chorus - it should be there be for a release of tension built up taking in facts from the verses. This line works better for me in a chorus - because it reflects on the story, rather than advancing it: But what do I know? Anyway? Good start here.. Paul
  16. 2 likes
    Hi folks, I would like to submit this with my music, but I am having trouble figuring out how to home record on the cheap and can't seem to get rid of the white noise from my laptop! This is a waltz. Maybe it could pass off as a sea chanty? Though he was a flatlander, I imagine someone with a voice like Levon Helm (RIP) singing it. Anyway, this is a song I wrote about my experience as a young man working on a lobstering boat off the coast of Maine and learning to respect the ocean. Sometimes we could get stuck out on the ocean in a squall. On the Rocky ©2017 J. B. Mack On the rocky mighty rocky o'er the crests and the troughs Ten foot crests and It's arresting 'drenaline is aroused There's a rhythm If you give in Slow and steady timed waltz Join the lady, mother ocean and her perfume of salts Your sea legs are conditioning Your senses are awake The sounds, smells and scenery It's all you can take.... Mind the warp on The deck son It can catch on your boot Don't forget the old story 'Bout Jim Papineau Rubbed his eyes In his collar For only a sec When the warp took his ankle And he flew off the deck The pot drug him down He left bubbles behind It’s a damn well good thing Had his knife at the time.... Instrumental On the rocky mighty rocky Mother spits and she spews Grin and bear it Show your reverence To her beauteous blues There's a rhythm If you give in It's a “maritimed” waltz Join the lady, mother ocean and her perfume of salts Your sea legs are conditioning Your senses are awake The sounds, smells and scenery It's all you can take.... She's a’ rocky, mighty rocky Got her ups and her downs She's a’ rocky, mighty rocky Mind you don't run aground She's a’ rocky, mighty rocky She’s a’ rocky, not flat She's a’ rocky, don’t be cocky Hang onto your hat Hang onto your hat Hang onto your hat
  17. 2 likes
    Scott Pelley from CBS asked if Scalise's wounds were in part self inflected. Meaning: justified. Presumably because of Scalise's political views. I think Barney has a point. Some in the media are actively attempting to incite violence, it seems. I too have concerns that the country has become bipolar. And I don't see Barney promoting a political agenda with this post. He's asking what is happening to civil discourse in the United States. The angst that the left is experiencing at the thought of a Trump presidency is not much different than the angst the Republicans and Conservatives experienced the last 8 years, but the manifestation of this angst has become completely unhinged in 2017. Barney is conservative. He owes nobody an apology for this view. He has threatened no one's life here on this site.
  18. 2 likes
    Hannah Come Over To Me © 2017 John Voorpostel Revised (again) thanks for the eagle a Short Order Hannah found religion dancing in the streets I entertained a vision I could also keep the beat In the middle of a moment I thought I lost my mind When I saw Hannah dancing On the borderline So I steeled up my courage Said “Hannah have no fear I promise you’ll have no regrets So come on over here Yeah come on over Come on over Come on over Hannah come over to me Hannah was a hurricane, once she found her feet Blowing over life and love exuding latent heat In the middle of forever Every star aligned When I saw Hannah dancing On that borderline When I look back on my life I want to know that I tried That I stared down any pain That brought a chance of delight So I steeled up my courage Said “Hannah have no fear I promise you’ll have no regrets So come on over here Yeah come on over Come on over Come on over Hannah come over to me Every star aligned When I saw Hannah dancing Across that borderline ************************************************************************************************************************************* Version 1 Hannah found religion dancing in the streets I entertained a vision I could also keep the beat In the middle of that moment I thought I lost my mind When I saw Hannah dancing On the borderline Looking back on my life I want to know that I tried Did not avoid any pain That brought a chance of delight So I steeled up my courage Said “Hannah I’m here, If you don’t cross on over You may regret fear So come on over Come on over Come on over Hannah come over to me" Hannah was a hurricane, once she found her feet Blowing over life and love exuding latent heat In the middle of a forever Every star aligned When I saw Hannah dancing On that borderline Looking back on my life I want to know that I tried Did not avoid any pain That brought a chance of delight So I steeled up my courage Said “Hannah I’m here, If you don’t cross on over You may regret fear So come on over Come on over Come on over Hannah come over to me" Every star aligned When I saw Hannah dancing Across that borderline
  19. 2 likes
    I wholeheartedly agree with Barneyboy, Alistair, and Carl (Spanishbuddah)! All this vile rhetoric has gotten out of hand. It's time we stop, and fire up a peace pipe. Those who insist on having the last word are the ones that are going to drive us into complete civil chaos! Now, does anyone here really want that??
  20. 2 likes
    I don't think I can comprehend how you can believe that this might possibly be the case. Honestly. I am stunned.
  21. 2 likes
    Good lyrics Emily. Reminded me a bit of Lady Gaga's 'Born this way' - think because of the 'That's how I'm made' lines. For the 'wind blowing' lines, I wonder if 'wind whipping', 'wild wind whipping' might work better?
  22. 2 likes
    Reading over the other remarks on this thread, I don't think anything Bob has said in the original post has been used to foster his own political agenda. He cares about what is going on whether people agree with him or not. He's telling it exactly as he sees it and often exactly as it is. And as someone who has for the most part over the course of my life, voted democratic, it troubles me, that while the Republican party in the United States of America has its problems, so to do the Democrats and the biggest problem the Democrats face is their current state which has been hijacked by the far left with social media at the forefront. From the nut job that shot at congress to that obnoxious, asshole comedian Kathy Griffin, there is a disturbing trend that has been surfacing to silence any and all who oppose their ideology. "You're hateful". "You're a bigot". You have no compassion. You're stupid. Fuck you to any and all who think like this. Is it finger pointing to tell the truth? Hey, folks once again for any and all who are thick headed, I'm no Republican. I loathe things about them as much as I loathe things about the Democrats but people who get violent and act out as well as those who promote their agenda and don't want to hear differing points of view, trying to silence those who are not like them in their thinking and or trying to make others look stupid or foolish who they don't agree with are becoming more intolerant than all the folks they've complained about for years. No matter what side of the isle these individuals come from, as a society we must turn and face the mirror because the picture ain't pretty. We need to find a middle ground (where there is compromise) in light of the madness going on everywhere these days at home and abroad. Thanks to Alistair for posting the quote from Sanders and thanks to Bob (Bernabby/Barneyboy) for starting the thread.
  23. 2 likes
    Dead on Peko. That is exactly what I was going for...the simple joy of a summer day. As I said, the inspiration came from the first day I could really enjoy the sun.
  24. 2 likes
    Been several weeks of busy busy---but I have some time to play Summer Child © 2017 John Voorpostel I was a summer child Running wild Learning all there was to know about the summer life Putting on my summer clothes and running with balloons Life is always brighter when you’re holding a balloon Everything is brighter when you’re holding a balloon Dad would blow one up for me I’d run shouting happily All was good, even popping it was fun “Cause there’d always be another one Of a different colour For a child of summer I’ve got kids of my own Also roaming So I’ve armed myself with every tool I know Closets full of summer clothes and bagfuls of balloons Life is always brighter when you’re holding a balloon Life is always brighter when you’re holding a balloon Life is always brighter when you’re holding a balloon Life is always brighter when you’re holding a balloon Life is always brighter when you’re holding a balloon Putting on my summer clothes and running with balloons
  25. 2 likes
    I was so moved by Wild as a Feral Cat I had to write something to accompany it. I wrote this really fast but I think it works. Wild as a Feral Pig He hit on me at the bar I could smell his old man breath His watery eyes stayed focused On my hips and breasts Twenty pounds of old man shit Stuffed in a 5 pound bag I knew that porcine poor excuse For a man was just a drag CH His frail hands reached out With bones brittle as a twig He smiled a smarmy smile Said, I’m wild as a feral pig He grunted and he snorted The way most men do He laughed and tee-hee-hee’d Saying baby I want you He was old and he was foul Oblivious and not too bright He called me his pussy cat, whispering Let’s get wild tonight CH His frail hands reached out With bones brittle as a twig He smiled a smarmy smile Said, I’m wild as a feral pig Some men are dumb as a stick Some men just talk big Some men are just rancid Uncouth as a feral pig
  26. 2 likes
    I Will Not Submit Little girls enjoyed the show. They're little girls. They didn't know. That harmless fun is now forbidden. And female faces must be hidden. Our lives must change. Our freedoms cease. CH As we submit to the cult of peace. But i will not submit. Too many people fought too hard For the freedoms we're left here to guard. So i will not submit. And if it comes to them or me I will live my life...... free Because I will not submit. The politicians on their knees Hoping to somehow appease This misogynistic cult of hate Planning worldwide caliphate. CH Don't talk too loud or they might hear Accommodate them out of fear It's blasphemy to criticize And those who do pay with their lives. CH
  27. 2 likes
    OMG, you're speaking my language here!! (Still in my Parts folder is a draft-snippet called "Crusader", a term the islamists find especially offensive. "Crusader / Let history say what it will / Crusader / No more shall thy tongue be held still / Tis more noble to kill". My own approach isn't "I will not submit", it's Allah will submit to human rights.) Your V1 L1-L2 is a very strong opener. But personally, I think this needs a brief powerful chorus, a real fist-pumper. One idea is to focus the chorus on some variation of the "I will not submit to the cult of peace" angle, and put the defending soldiers in a bridge. Another idea is to focus on the soldiers in the chorus, and make a repetitious "I will not submit" bridge. I'm glad you posted that. The world needs more like it.
  28. 2 likes
    Hi Paul, and thx for taking time to review. The title prolly won't appear in the lyric unless I can find a classy and non-gratuitous way to add it in. Thought about it a few times, but never found that way. And even if I find it, it'll be just one more confusing thing in the lyric, and my task is to tweak the confusion out of it. I can live with a non-appearing Zeppelin-esque song title, and it's certainly a unique one among English speakers. True about above/love. I never thought it was a great opening line anyway. All it did was set the scene. I can do better than that. Prolly the most confusing mistake I made was the perspective shifts. V1 is the couple's perspective. Pre1 is the narrator watching the meteor after the couple has lost sight of it. The chorus is yet another perspective. Well, perspective changes are nearly always a bad idea in a lyric. Beaute has 2 MORE perspectives after those 3. I think the formal term for this technique is "oops". The CH and its tag-on line are: Feel the room shake Hear the windows break Did it flash before the blink of an eye? Signs never read Exploding overhead Is that how close we came to die? That pretty pretty smoke trail hanging in the sky? This describes a real-life event (not my own), and it's meant to convey it in the order in which we process that stuff. Except for "signs never read", which is out of order. So I will fix that too. The last bits are an extended bridge, and then the primary musical passage returns with "Am I beauty..." It's all very connected with an underlying theme common to all scenes and most allusions in it, but I wrote it too subjectively. And I hate lyrics like that. "Offends"?? Not likely!! Matter of fact, I'm happy that you reviewed it, as I've seen and heard a few of your things, and I think you're a pretty good writer with an admirable set of skills. I prefer hearing from people who've shown that they themselves can walk the walk. You are welcome to review my stuff anytime. :-)
  29. 2 likes
    T'was the first nice day after tax season and I went out for a long drive. The line "putting on my summer clothes and running with balloons" popped into my head and I thought---that line moves nicely and lends itself to a melody After that it was looking to dig up\describe child like memories and finding a device to move the story along---essentially a father passing the memories of ballons on to his own kids. As for the tool, I can see what you are saying, but that is what I use (and I think the usage is common) to describe what we use as parents, business people etc---we have a toolkit of ideas, models, experiences etc..with which we manage our lives. For example, when my kids were young, "distraction" was a go to tool, as was "gamification". In my business as a CPA and "Corporate Memory Builder", good sets of questions and a fundamental understanding of business models is in my "go to arsenal" Now, not to say I am dogmatic here in its use....I will consider what else may work....but I wanted everyone to understand that the concept of tools goes beyond hammers and saws and screwdrivers and is, at least around here, applied to almost anything used to accomplish a task. Thanks Paul, Ashfi and Ron for the replies
  30. 2 likes
    I think this is a good topic for a song. The possibilities are endless for poking fun at the ads. I think you just sort of listed them when you could have taken a different tack. I would have liked to see more surprises in the lyrics. I don't give examples because I don't want to write your song; but there are lots of places (to me) where instead of coming straight ahead at the target, you could have come around from the side and I would have enjoyed the trip a lot more. Also, just saying these things are worthless to you is a little specific. What do you need? What kind of ads would get you to click? What ridiculous ad would be perfect for you? That might be funny.
  31. 2 likes
    Sorry Cindy - so intent on raising a smile that I overlooked any kind of helpful critique. First thing - it is a great idea. For me, if you grab hold of "one big idea", it makes one solid and secure place to stand, from which you can assemble all the other elements you need. An excellent and productive ruse. The problem for me, however - just like HoboSage - is that a composer, looking to set some verbiage to a tune, will be looking for patterns And pattern-recognition (of huge importance also, even if unconsciously, to the random listener) will be encountered through your skilled use of pattern-repetition But you haven't paid any attention to that part of the business - and it is really important for those of us who don't write the music. (The more we learn about musical shapes and structures and language - the more equipped we become for writing lyrics) I'll try to explain better... Outside of those two sections which you have labelled "chorus" and "bridge" - you have three other stanzas of text which a reader naturally tries to make sense of as "verses". Only, in order for them to work most effectively as "verses", they each need to follow the same pattern in verbal bounce and rhythm. But yours don't do that. The first lines of V1 and V2 do it: "I really have to wonder" has its perfect echo in "I've never been to Russia" - good job, done neatly and nicely. But the second lines of Verses 1 and 2 share nothing in terms of their pattern. Neither do the third lines. Nor the fourth either. So any potential composer of competence would just keep on walking. I mean - what a composer is looking for is the opportunity to write a melody for Verse 1 which is so cool and groovy that it deserves repetition for Verse 2. But sadly, with what you've written for Verse 2, the poor composer has no chance of achieving that happy desired state. If the composer HAD been able to achieve that repetition, in order to evade the early risk of repetition-boredom, this is the point at which a composer likes to be able to take a break and head in some other satisfying contrasting direction with a new and different section labelled something different like "chorus" or "bridge". Whatever they're called, however, and wherever their placement, the composer will also be mad-keen to find chance for a reprise of that cool and groovy melody which made Verses 1 & 2 so memorable and enticing - and we'll need a functional Verse 3 for that. But the chunk of text that presents itself most readily as Verse 3 contender - The IRS will forgive all my debt "New ways to stop smoking cigarettes!" "EHarmony will find my perfect mate!" No matter I no longer date! .... it completely fails to enable that to happen. This last "verse" (??) stanza is one which in my mind I have labelled "WTF?" because I don't know WTF is going on with it. Not WTF are the words saying, but WTF happened to the expected rhythm and repetition of patterns The sophisticated stylings of a futuristic Cole Porter would absolutely depend upon recognisable structure designed by your skill with rhythmic pattern-repetition. The job of the lyricist is to deliver that up, complete and palatable, on a plate. Why not study how Porter did it? Or Oscar Hammerstein, or Johnny Mercer, or Gershwin? Their work will show you how they do it. No chance of this working as a jazz-tune without structural solutions. But it's a GREAT core idea which simply deserves more work.
  32. 2 likes
    It's a rite of passage.
  33. 2 likes
    Whilst not about today's terrible news from Manchester, this lyric has certainly been influenced by the sense of sadness that atrocity has generated. Heartbreaking to hear about. Not sure what the best title for the song is so have gone with 2 possible options. I originally had a chorus and a more flowery outro but have stripped the song back. The story is told from present back to the past. I see it as a slow singer songwriter ballad. The sorrow echo / I wish it was not so (Verse 1) Underneath the branches The river meanders I can almost see The sorrow echo. Flowers gently carried Caught up in the flow Whispers on the breeze "I wish it was not so". (Verse 2) Just beneath the bridges The blackness stretches Hard to imagine The sorrow echo. Children gently playing How were they to know Cries across the distance "I wish it was not so". (Verse 3) Underneath the excuses Evil purpose festers Men choose to make The sorrow echo. Their own children sleeping Whilst they pack and go Murderous intentions "I wish it was not so". (Bridge) Little girls should dance under trees Turn cartwheels in the summer's breeze Wear flowers weaved into their hair Not grieved for as loved ones despair. (Outro) Flowers gently carried The sorrow echoes Children gently playing The sorrow echoes ...
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    I've read this a few times in the past few days, very nicely written. appropriate, respectful... change nothing.
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    In general, what do you think of Hank Williams, Sr. as a lyricist/songwriter? I'm not necessarily talking about recording quality, vocals, or those sorts of things that were products of the era. I'm talking about from a pure songwriting basis. Here's a list of songs he wrote: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_songs_written_by_Hank_Williams And even if we look at some of the lyrics and wordplay, I would say he's got to be up there (though I don't know where) amongst the greats when it comes to songwriting. Even if you look at excerpts from his songs: That's from the song "Six More Miles (To the Graveyard)". Just that short chorus tells a story and captures the pain one must feel when they lose a significant other. Or how about this: That's from "Howlin' At The Moon". Ever felt like that? It's a song about being in love. Again, I think a wonderful lyric. Or perhaps: From "Baby, We're Really In Love". A love song. Simple, elegant lyrics that basically say "I love you", in a very unique way. And one more, for good measure: From "Nobody's Lonesome For Me". So in general, again, what do you think of him as a songwriter?
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    Well it all started with Jefferson vs Adams here in the US and we've never looked back. Fake news, smearing, and real nastiness won that election for Jefferson. It's something that has been around a long time. All of our super hyper connectivity in the modern age amplifies it. I think there have been cyclical times of nastiness in American politics though this does feel to be a generally horrible time to live in politically. Both sides make sweeping generalizations to categorize the other sides view points and define them for each other to discredit whole swaths of opinions they disagree with. It does feel very tribal and often does not live in a factual place. In this day and age everyone has their own media. Each side will decry the other side and the battle lines are fought viciously against each other on all fronts except the physical ones. At some point as we drive each other to extremes I fear that those extremes will drive out and the insane start to become the sane. At the end of the day there is a mentality these days to do anything it takes to win the argument. No one can say they don't know. No one can admit they are wrong about anything. No quarter, no holds barred. Win the argument! There are real issues and problems to be solved. Many don't have watered down simplified black and white answers and most of the noise that fights for hearts and minds of men cannot acknowledge those nuances in a sound bite. Facebook fascinates me in that it only takes 5 posts to scroll down and hit a thought control piece from one side of the political spectrum or another. Rarely are those posts anything useful or factual or nuanced. They get their target audiences going though. Spun up with shares. Carrying water for someone else's agenda. We're all being farmed in a way I think. Glance at my FB feed 3 posts in today... Crops are plentiful at the moment...
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    This has been in the lyric stack for a couple of months. I spent some time revising it over the last couple of days and brought it to a point I felt I could post it for critiques and suggestions. It's pop with a strong driving beat. TORNADO ©2017 Emily Bond I don’t blush for any man I go my own way You’ve got to understand That’s how I’m made That’s how I’m made Head to toe Like a wind blowing A strong wind blowing You can touch but you can’t hold me No, you can’t hold me ‘Cause I’m a... TORNADO My spiral winds Know what to do TORNADO I can sweep away A man like you TORNADO Take you to a place You’ve never been TORNADO R U man enough to C’mon C’mon in To this TORNADO I don’t stop for any man I’m not gonna change That’s always been my plan That’s how I’m made That’s how I’m made Head to toe Like a wind blowing A strong wind blowing You can touch but you can’t hold me No, you can’t hold me ‘Cause I’m a... TORNADO My spiral wind Knows what to do TORNADO I can sweep away A man like you TORNADO Take you to a place You’ve never been TORNADO R U man enough to C’mon C’mon in To this TORNADO I’m elemental A force of nature An environmental Perpetrator Nature’s bitch A beast unleashed A siren song A feminine mystique It’s my time It’s my hour Feel my force Taste my power TORNADO My spiral wind Knows what to do TORNADO I can sweep away A man like you TORNADO Take you to a place You’ve never been TORNADO R U man enough to C’mon C’mon in To this TORNADO
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    With your explanation above, I think I'm understanding the song a little bit better. Originally I thought this line "Lord, have I had one too many and one too few" was the idea that the narrator's taste for a drink couldn't be satiated. I thought he was recognizing that some people might think he had too many, but to him, he wanted more (this was partly why I was thinking the song was about an alcoholic). Now from your description above I think you are saying "one too few" really goes with "holy moments spent speakin' with you" If that is the case, it might mean just writing that part out a little differently to make it more understandable for the reader and easier for the singer to interpret such as: Lord, have I had one too many And one too few...holy moments spent speakin' with you or Lord, have I had one too many And one too few holy moments spent speakin' with you The way I'm reading it is there's maybe a little pause between "few" and "holy" but that they are actually connected. If the song is talking about speaking to the father, son or holy ghost then "holy" moments makes sense. If its about speaking with an ex-lover, I think the word "precious" makes more sense. I would recommend you go with one or the other. Then the jukebox song within your song would ideally play off of that concept (ie. if you are having a conversation with god, the jukebox song might be about god as well, or conversely, if you are thinking about speaking with an ex-lover, the jukebox song might be about an ex-lover"
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    Sounds good, nice subject.
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    I don't know what you mean by deep state will root you out. Doesn't matter to me though. I don't always understand the point of a song but if it sounds good on the ear and has a nice flow then it's all good. I really think this would sound good in a song. Great words whatever's they mean
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    Good stuff I like the repetition which is the #1 requirement for pop. Only weak spot for me was: I think the metaphor "I'm a strong wind blowing" would work better than a simile. And maybe come up with something better for the repeated line - it doesn't seem like this should be repeated IMHCO No other flaws(sic) in the ointment for me Paul
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    You defintely show the wind beneath your wings here Emily. Lots of attitude ....though you might find an alternative to "bitch" because IMO it detracts from all that spunk and strength you turn into a "purity of spirit" Other than that, I think anything that needs fine tuning will come with the music...
  43. 1 like
    I always read your writing slowly, taking time to allow my self to absorb the words and feelings contained within.
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    The contest was kinda fun, but you don't get a lot of critique. Sooooo.... this was my entry for May. Sharpen your knives and have at it!! Copyright 2017 Vara La Fey.... FINIR EN BEAUTÉ What a night to be in love and a falling star above streaks quickly out of view Oh make a wish, make a wish but don't tell me what it is or it will never never come true Streaks to the sunrise to greet the dawn Lights up the world as it speeds along Feel the room shake Hear the windows break Did it flash before the blink of an eye? Signs never read exploding overhead Is that how close we came to die? That pretty pretty smoke trail hanging in the sky? All the colors of the storm and the veil of rain is warm The world has gone worlds away Dance with me, dance with me just like children running free We can care another day Come hither now and join me out there Isn't it just electric like a taste in the air? Feel the room shake Hear the windows break Did it flash before the blink of an eye? Signs never read exploding overhead Is that how close we came to die? That gentle roll of thunder in someone's distant sky? Siren to sailor Apple to sin Thrill to chaser Caution to wind Beauty plays tame Sober plays rash Fools to flame Fools to ash Am I beauty? Am I tame? Am I beauty? Am I tame? Feel the room shake
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    EmilyEmily, I like this a lot! You write really well. I particularly like Well done!
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    Thanks for all the comments. I've had someone turns my lyrics into a song and it's turned out nice. Check it out https://www.kompoz.com/music/collaboration/764288
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    Well thank you for the dedication Ashfi. My reaction to this is similar to your first posting. Some neat images and thoughts, but overall confusion. Now an "impressionistinc" lyric can be an interesting experience as you try to step back and gain an overall sense of "what is being said". I couldn't get that in this. What kind of music do you listen too and what artists do you try and model yourself after?
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    Interesting question - "usually" songs have a maximum of two lead vocals and they are usually male/female, but I suppose if the narrative made it obvious what each singer's role was, it could be pulled off. Might run into probs if the voices sounded similar - then you would need a video to keep track Of course there are the "We Are the World" songs where each singer's voice is well known/famous already..
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    Nothing wrong with arming yourself with tools, but there might be an alternative about somehow gathering together every delight, wonder, joyful thing, diversion, surprise, pleasure ... Can't think of a comment beyond that. Poignant sentiment craftfully conveyed. Brings to mind Shadow Puppets from Mr. Canuck Also brings to mind Herbert Marcuse who said that the purpose of childhood is to solidly and permanently establish in oneself the knowledge that life can be wonderful
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    Cindy i think you have a great idea here for a song, and a great start too, but i think the idea is diluted by using too many adds/ spam rather than reenforcing the hot russian women line. the wording problem with v3 has already been discussed by Short, but imho V4 is a distraction because the chorus focuses on a specific ad/ spam while V 4 introduces 3 new spams. If your chorus/ focus was " oh damn, too much spam" than V4 would fit but your chorus / title is hot Russian women. The ideas behind this lyric: too much spam using the specific example of hot russian women is brilliant! Believe me I wasted no time reading a lyric titled hot russian women, whereas i might not have been as eager to read about "too much spam" so for me that title was clever. To be perfectly honest I kind of wish I had thought of this first. Keep at it because it's a fresh idea.