Jump to content

Leaderboard


Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 19/12/17 in all areas

  1. 4 points
    Just a bit of fun. Not too serious. My car might not start. V I can’t come out to your house ‘cos my car might not start I took it to a guy and he ordered a part He'll send me a text on the Tuesday after next But I cant come out to your house as my car may not start V I’d love to have a picnic but I’m busy that week My workload is a monster and my boss is a freak I’m up against a cutoff And I’ll have to turn my phone off A picnic sounds intriguing but I’m busy that week C I’m sure you’re nice and a wonderful person I hope your life is as good as can be I hope you find just the perfect companion But I’m pretty sure it’s not me. V I can’t go to the movies ‘cos my Doctor said so It’s a serious condition that I’m sure you don’t know I’m screaming like an air horn When I get close to popcorn A movie wouldn’t work because my Doctor said so. V I’m sure I can’t go dancing with my knee as it is There are bubbles in my tendons and they all tend to fizz It puts me in such pain I might never walk again So there will be no dancing with my knee like it is C I’m sure you’re nice and a wonderful person I hope your life is as nice as can be I hope you find just the perfect companion But I’m pretty sure it’s not me. I’m pretty sure it’s not me
  2. 4 points
    Hello everybody and happy New Year. I have not been here in quite a while. Changed out computers and actually forgot about this place, passwords, etc. Until I got some notices on my email about discussions going on. So glad to see all of you. My name is MARC-ALAN BARNETTE and I teach the craft of songwriting and performance, networking and the business of music based in Nashville, Tn. This is one of those questions that come up a lot in songwriting discussions and a lot of things have to be looked at. First of all, sharing songwriting credit is a pretty standard thing in our world and the "real world" of commercial songwriting. If you look at most charting songs, you will find three, four or five names on them. Look in rock and pop, you will find up to thirteen or fourteen names. The reason is that now, everyone involved along the way seem to want credit, because in many cases, they are all responsible in a little way for a song's pathway. You find people now that write "beats", so they are included. Production people that just add sounds, they are included. Managers. attorney's, etc. are all included, and of course, the artists themselves. And often, not many of those actually participated in them. The irony, of course, is that there is NOT more money involved. The cold hard reality is that in STREAMING and other avenues of music, songs with HUNDREDS Of MILLIONS of streams are making in the thousands of dollars, not they hundreds of thousands. But people are being involved in an artist's "branding", so that is becoming part of a team. Just like you see those endless movie credits that go on at the end of a movie that last almost as long as the movie itself, there are a LOT of people involved in everything, and less overall money involved. It comes down to more "street cred" than anything. Your reputation on a major product, might lead to other products, padding a resume, and further jobs down the road. And in a converse, sort of strange way, now you WANT someone to be involved in a song because that could add to the ability of the song to make it's way up the ladder. Having an artist make a simple suggestion on the song's direction, contribute a word or a line, might increase that artist's desire to be involved and record the song. And you can understand this if you look at it logically. All artists are now writers. And some are pretty good writers. When you look at Taylor Swift, Kacee Musgraves, Christ Stapelton, all top earners in the country field, they all had cuts and success as writers BEFORE they were signed as artists. And looking for ARTIST/WRITERS, as opposed to WRITER/ARTISTS, has been the norm for about 20 years now. So having an artist be actively INVOLVED in the writing process or the life of the song is actually the incentive you use to get and keep their interest. It used to be PUBLISHING that would be shared. That is until PUBLISHING no longer meant much. Getting half of a song earning almost nothing due to being downloaded or streamed out of existence, is not really a whole lot of incentive. So like everything in the music business, that has shifted. Now in the subject of getting a critique, or someone making a suggestion and being added as a co-writer, that is going to be a case by case situation and would be talked out among participants long before anything happened on a song. Again, you have to remember the "time frame" from where a song is begun, developed, recorded, produced, advertised, released, etc. can be months or sometimes years. The music industry is like a big, lumbering battleship and nothing happens in any quick manner. So that would be discussed long before. From the point of view of someone who does critiques as part of his living, it would be VERY seldom that they would ask for any credit. In 25 years of doing this, I don't think I've ever heard ONE song I would want to be involved with. Not that they were bad songs (although most are simply mediocre), but that is not the reason for doing critiques. It is simply a different process, more of one of a mentor or teacher. Most songs from the outside world are very very average. They are very very similar to other songs. Writers write what is around them, so they come up with the same subject matter, done the same way, same rhymes, titles, chord structures, etc. Or they just don't really do much to motivate any. The reason is that people who don't do this all the time, or are not in a music center, simply don't hear enough music to realize how average most ideas and songs are. Just not enough input. This is one of the interesting aspects of coming to a town like Nashville with thousands upon thousands of writers and hundreds of thousands or millions of songs. Or going to YOU TUBE or FACEBOOK and seeing the thousands of camera phone videos uploaded a day, of new writers, artists, kids,older people, that are trying to show off their latest creations. When people come here and they hear those songs that they thought they had written and NEVER PLAYED for anyone suddenly being done by ten, fifteen or twenty people in the course of a night, it is quite the eye opener. hearing the same lines, the same attitude and perspective, is a pretty amazing thing. Gives a reality check very quickly. Anyone can write a song. Writing a song that has commercial value, says the ":same thing, yet in a different way" finding the different angle on it, is very different. And as anyone who has listened to the radio lately knows, MOST ALL OF IT SOUNDS THE SAME. So if you are a newbie, trying to get yourself out there, you better be BETTER than what is already out there. Harder to do than most people realize. Usually, as a critiquer, if you find that SPECIAL person, you are going to contact them, ask to hear other songs, get to know them. And this is the key. This is a PEOPLE business, and songs are a by product of that. Like dating and marraige, you are not going to just jump into business with anyone. Dealing with egos, out of control bad habits, complete idiots, or just plain difficult to get along with people, is something nobody has time for. So there is going to be an involved process of getting to know someone before you start getting involved with their music. The co-writing credit issue is something that should be discussed with the participants. Most credible people in the industry will not ask for anything they didn't earn. If they are, then they generally are not credible, or they might think it is so important they want to be involved in it. And having a well known entity put their "stamp of approval" on something might make the difference in a song rising through the pile of contenders to the top of the heap. Not always, but sometimes. Again, has to be taken on a case by case basis. And of course, their are sharks out there, but most of those really just want to get the most money for the least effort. So actually being involved with something to them, might be a liability. Being a part owner of a really mediocre song does no one any good. I hope this helps shine some light on the situation. Good luck to all of you and I'm around if you need. MAB
  3. 4 points
    Hello again Mike, Although I believe this piece is totally unrealistic I like the sentiment. Not too long ago we were inching toward hell at 3 mph, but in the past 20 years we have been siding down an icy mountain at 100 mph. Who's going to hit the brakes? The corporations which own this country would never allow a revolution. Besides, we have been intentionally divided into small groups so that the proletariat can argue and fight amongst themselves as a diversion tactic by the assholes that own this country. Even when we vote, we are only exchanging one crook for another. I don't mean to rain on your parade as I do enjoy your writing. I'm sure that you will find many people out there who belive that it is still possible to salvage what is left of our once great country, so it will appeal to them. I suppose it doesn't hurt to be optimistic. A few suggestions. Please feel free to use or discard any or all of them. Cheers, jim Passengers (version 2.1) V1 Every day another revolution - Everyday we threaten revolution Men in charge not seeking solutions - Men in charge have their own solution Only thinking of themselves Meanwhile the common man sweats Doing his best, no chance to rest Completely overwhelmed Ch Are we passengers - Watching the world go by Only passengers Until the day we die V2 Greedy men driven by ambition - Wicked men driven by greed No concern for the human condition - With no concern for human need It’s not what they care about We must awaken before the fall Listen to the warnings, heed the call Remove every doubt Chorus Br Let’s make a resolution Start a cultural resolution - Start a cultural revolution Correct the past errors - Make them pay for the past - It is impossible to correct the sins of the past. "errors" is far too weak of a word to use here. Make this world better - Maybe then the world can last V3 This world’s gone absurd - Everything has turned absurd - absurd doesn't work in this context. Perhaps, berserk. But we still need to be heard Can’t be afraid Don’t just go along for the ride Have to give it a try Before it’s too late Chorus
  4. 3 points
    Feels similar in format to this rap song that presents the other side of the story. (warning: contains strong language) Not sure if you were influenced by this track and are trying to provide a response? In terms of feedback on your lyrics, I'm in agreement with Mike - there seems some confusion about whose perspective some parts are being sung from. As an example, here's my take on the perspectives conveyed in verse 2: So you think all lives should matter - liberal view Immigration's out of control - conservative view Blacks are as bigoted as the whites - conservative view that's possibly also shared by some liberals Third world countries are shitholes - conservative view The cops are described as vicious pigs - liberal view Statues should remain intact - conservative view The nation is losing its culture - conservative view And if you speak out you will be attacked - conservative and liberal view? Regardless of what people think of the sentiment, I think tightening the perspective being conveyed is probably the main challenge that would benefit the song
  5. 3 points
    Here is a revised version, with the verses reworked in First Person (idea from Mike.) Held off on the hook till the Chorus (Paul.) Completely stole a line from Kuya. Revised the Bridge with thoughts from SongWolfe, Zritch and Jim. And even took some advice from myself and tweaked a few other things. Original post is below this one, as well as a slightly different version retitled "Walkin' Money." Which do you think is the better choice? Just in Case Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 Our love’s turnin’ sideways and I have to get out I need my own money to bring it about I saved a bunch of cash for a rainy day So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway V2 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where He saunters in midnight with that look on his face He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan Just-in-case money, just in case In a safe place, honey, just in case V3 We pooled our money when we started this thing But I had a feeling what the future might bring I set aside some pocket money just for me My private stash of walkin’ money set me free Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan Just-in-case money, just in case In a safe place, honey, just in case Bridge If he’s not the one And you’re D-U-N DONE Grab your cash Take your money and run Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan Just-in-case money, just in case In a safe place, honey, just in case Walkin’ Money Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 Our love’s turnin’ sideways and I have to get out I need my own bank account to bring it about I saved a bunch of bucks for a rainy day So I can buy my ticket out and make my getaway V2 My man’s lifting weights and he’s dyeing his hair He says he’s working late, but he won’t say where He saunters in midnight with that look on his face He thinks I’ll sit tight but I’m outta this place Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan In a safe place, honey, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case V3 We combined our cash when we started this thing But I had a feeling what the future might bring I set aside some pocket change just for me My private stash of walkin’ money set me free Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan In a safe place, honey, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Bridge If he’s not the one And you’re D-U-N DONE Grab your cash Take your money and run Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan In a safe place, honey, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Hi, I'm resurrecting an old lyric I put on the shelf. This is definitely country, tongue-in cheek, for a female vocalist. Crazy guitar riffs in there, too. Designed to be a rollickin' crowd-pleaser. Just in Case Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 When love turns sideways and you’re feelin’ trapped A lack of cash is a handicap Get some just-in-case money, just in case So you can buy your ticket out and make your getaway V2 Your man’s liftin’ weights and dyein’ his hair He's workin’ late and he’s never there Grab your just-in-case money, just in case So you can kiss that man goodbye and get outta this place Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan It’s just-in-case money, just in case Just in case, honey, just in case V3 You need to make sure that you’ll be okay So take your time, plan your rainy day You’ve got just-in-case money, just in case So if he does you wrong, you’re gone, and you don’t have to stay Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan It’s just-in-case money, just in case Just in case, honey, just in case Bridge: You gotta invest so you can leave the nest Buy yourself the latitude To grab your coat and hat-itude Chorus: Just in case, just in case A woman needs her walkin’ money, just in case Stay with your man as long as you can But play it smart and have a backup plan It’s just-in-case money, just in case Just in case, honey, just in case
  6. 3 points
    I think the rhymes are fine. There's a bit loss of focus on the message... v1 starts off well but then it switches from talking about you in the singular to your relationship with another in the chorus, back to just you in v2, to everyone in the bridge, and finally back to just you in v3. This theoretically could work but I don't see the reasoning or connective tissue for change. They seem like completely different topics. I'd keep the verses but the chorus and especially the bridge don't do much for me. Sidenote- would fog roll in when it's raining?
  7. 3 points
    How We Won the Series Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 I said Forever You said yes Whether we would make it Was anybody’s guess V2 Two eager rookies Plenty uh spark We lunged at the pitch and Hit it out of the park Chorus So how’d we win the series? We didn’t have a clue All we had was the fever And a promise to be true We suited up and took a chance Played our hearts out, found romance V3 In love with the game Itchin’ to play We started a streak That’s still goin’ today V4 Never missed practice Good at bat Signed a long-term contract And never looked back Chorus So how’d we win the series? We didn’t have a clue All we had was the fever And a promise to be true We suited up and took a chance Played our hearts out, found romance Bridge You’re the reason We had a great season I’d sign up again If you say you’re in Chorus So how’d we win the series? We didn’t have a clue All we had was the fever And a promise to be true We suited up and took a chance Played our hearts out, found romance It’s every player’s dream Hooray for our team!
  8. 3 points
    Song to Our Father You gave me music You gave me song When I was weak You made me strong And I thank you I just want to thank you…. When I was hungry You filled me up When I was dry You gave me your cup And I thank you I just want to thank you… Chorus You are my father, my teacher, my friend And my love for you will never end And I thank you And father, I love you…. When I fell to the ground You gave me your hand You picked me up And helped me to stand And I thank you I just want to thank you…. In the cold night I know I can knock on your door And when I talk too much You’ll just listen some’ more And I thank you I just want to thank you…. Chorus You are my father, my teacher, my friend And my love for you will never end And I thank you And father, I love you….
  9. 3 points
    This song does have a variety of characters. Is that confusing? Cast I - the person who is singing, whose perspective the song is from She/Her - A woman who idolizes her dead friend He/Him - An artist / beautiful soul who drowned himself You - the people I am singing to In the verses, the woman tells the protagonist about her friend who committed suicide and reveals that she was in love with him. It's evident that she really worships this person now that he's gone. The chorus is about wishing I could be loved like that without having to kill myself first. I'm not sure how I could make it simpler and still tell the story. Collapsing all the perspectives into one doesn't make any sense. The "she/her" character can't be the person who wants to be idolized. SpanishBuddha, you spoke of being confused, but you nailed my meaning exactly. I even wrote the words "You don't know what you've got til it's gone" on the original brainstorm sheet for this lyric. This lyric is based on an amalgamation of four true stories, told to me by four different women who each had a friend they were secretly in love with commit suicide. In each case it was apparent that committing suicide had somehow elevated this person to the status of a myth. An intelligent person becomes a genius who was too beautiful for this world, etc. People pore over their journals trying to really understand who this person was. There's almost a religious aspect to the way they talk about him. I think we're all beautiful in our own way, we all suffer, and we all want our beauty and our pain to be truly seen and acknowledged and celebrated. And I think it's ironic that we have to die in some spectacular way at a young age to achieve this. Why can't we really love each other this way all the time? Anyway, this is a first draft and I'm happy to revise. I agree that "drowned to death" is redundant. I can easily say something like "drowned himself": He waded out into the lake Knowing that he couldn't swim And drowned himself and all his pain Oh... I want to be like him Or He waded out into the sea Knowing that he couldn't swim And drowned himself poetically Oh... I want to be like him. Personally, I think it IS romantic or poetic to choose to die in that way. But more importantly, that's how SHE sees it. So I wanted to include a word like that there to remind the listener of her deep infatuation or obsession with him, her image of him as a brilliant, beautiful person. Thoughts? "Breast" is a better word choice. I considered using that word originally and I guess I shied away from it out of sexual shame or something, but actually the consonance (burned, breast) enhances the lyric. Thanks for that suggestion. Gary, I agree that perhaps "I want to be like him" should be bigger somehow. Though I'm not sure how. Suggestions? I might try something like this: He waded out into the lake Knowing that he couldn't swim I hear the way you speak his name Oh... I want to be like him In this version, I never actually say that he's dead; but I think it's implied strongly enough elsewhere. Now I'm wondering if it would be better and/or less confusing if I made "You" and "She/Her" into the same character. Like so: With reverence, you speak of him His name tattooed upon your wrist He was a tortured soul, a genius Too beautiful for this He waded out into the sea Knowing that he couldn't swim I hear the way you speak his name Oh... I want to be like him Love me like I'm already dead Think of me whenever it rains Say the things that need to be said Recognize my passion and pain Love me like I'm dead Your one regret you now confess You should have told him how you felt Your love for him burns in your chest The tragedy is that you kept it to yourself Love me like I'm already dead Think of me whenever it rains Say the things that need to be said Recognize my passion and pain Love me like I'm dead Like I'm dead... Like I'm dead... Like I'm dead... Love me like I'm already dead Think of me whenever it rains Say the things that need to be said Recognize my passion and pain Love me like I'm dead Love me like I'm dead Love me like I'm dead Love me like I'm dead In this version, it seems like I'm singing the chorus to her. I'm not sure if I like that or not. Perhaps it does seem tidier, but also I think it's less relatable (not everyone knows a person who killed themselves, and now I'm asking the listener to step into her shoes instead of being an outside observer) and I think it makes the I/Me character seem insensitive given what the She character has gone through. Thoughts? I'd like to make this one as good as possible. I think the line "love me like I'm already dead" has potential, and I want to make a song I can be proud of. - Arius P.S. Happy Birthday, Mithra!
  10. 3 points
    Arius - Not a big fan of this one, but think you can do a lot to make it stronger. (For me) this was a little confusing. It's almost like there are two different voices or perspectives going on at the same time within this piece. Consider keeping it the same. Either have it as a narrator or use first person and completely do this from the female perspective about her feelings on this guy's death which sound kind of guilty. Why "Love Me Like I'm Already Dead" ? Is this the same as trying to say, you don't know what you've got till it's gone? If you didn't love somebody while they were alive why would you do it when they were dead unless the perspective (which is it?) doesn't realize until after the person is gone how much it was he meant to her? There's got to be a better way to say this, but I suspect the title is an original you'll probably keep. Regardless, these are my thoughts. Keep or sweep away the comments as best they can help you.
  11. 2 points
    Formatted. Hehe
  12. 2 points
    Not bad at all! It takes guts to post your first lyric or song. You did it! The next ones will be easier and easier. I think the circus theme was a brilliant idea. I’ll let someone else make suggestions, and I will just say welcome to the forums and please don’t hesitate to submit entries in the monthly contests and vote in the monthly and end of year lyric, song, and 1+1 song contests currently underway. There’s a lot of talented people here and I’ve learned a lot, and you will too if you stick around and participate. Follow some lyrics of others and watch the editing process as it unfolds. Read the advice from other lyrics that have been given feedback. Welcome Art!
  13. 2 points
    I'm a big fan of Melodyne (and hyped that ARA is coming to Reaper). It's so much more than a pitch tool. Here's a video on Sound design (it gets more interesting after the part on vocals - you could skip to 1:48 if you choose to).
  14. 2 points
    Love Me Like I'm Dead With reverence, she spoke of him His name tattooed upon her wrist A tortured soul, a genius Too beautiful for this He waded out into the sea Knowing that he couldn't swim And drowned to death romantically Oh, I want to be like him Love me like I'm already dead Think of me whenever it rains Say the things that need to be said Recognize my passion and pain Love me like I'm dead Her one regret she now confessed She should have told him how she felt Her love for him burned in her chest The tragedy was that she kept it to herself Love me like I'm already dead Think of me whenever it rains Say the things that need to be said Recognize my passion and pain Love me like I'm dead Like I'm dead... Like I'm dead... Like I'm dead... Love me like I'm already dead Think of me whenever it rains Say the things that need to be said Recognize my passion and pain Love me like I'm dead Love me like I'm dead Love me like I'm dead Love me like I'm dead
  15. 2 points
    Hi there, I wanted to share with you this song that I wrote a few months ago. It's a song about Italy, a country dear to my heart To help you with the understanding, I added some subtitles that you need to start on youtube. I let you discover the song. Thank you all The lyrics : Sweetness invites us, Near Italy Life abandons us, In the heart of Verona A suspicion of Chianti, One or 2 martini Their flavor caresses us, Two spritz and we take off It is beautiful as a Prada at sale price as Pope Francis in gondola A moonlight swim in Capri Little Italy Those too strong voices which resound These vongole that we adore It is beautiful my Little Ita, Little Italy An old vespa , Lost in Lombardy An ice cream just the 2 of us , On the Lake Como At the end of a narrow street, A miracle fountain In a burning heat, Intriguing beautiful Roma It is beautiful as a Prada at sale price As Pope Francis in gondola A moonlight swim in Capri Little Italy Those too strong voices which resound These vongole that we adore It is beautiful my Little Ita, Little Italy Canals and alleys making noise Venice is packed An invaded lagoon Sinking beautiful Venice Spoken : I know you for a long time You run in my veins Your thousand colors streets I know them by heart I recognize all your perfumes I guess your flavors My second homeland,ma little Italy It is beautiful as a Prada at sale price As Pope Francis in gondola A moonlight swim in Capri Little Italy Those too strong voices which resound These vongole that we adore It is beautiful my Little Ita, Little Italy
  16. 2 points
    This was fun to write. Hope you like it. Open to your ideas. Walter the weasel. A weasel named Walter was walking through the woods When he passed upon a possum named Paul Now Walter thought Paul wasn’t looking very good All curled up in a ball “What’s up?” asked Walter to his little friend “Have you gone into a possum funk?” “I wish”, said Paul, “’cos it’s worse than that, I’m in love with a female skunk.” “I know,” said Paul “It makes no sense at all, But I’m sure she’s the girl for me. But I can’t get the nerve for a social call And that leaves me as you see.” Well, Walter sat down when he saw his buddy’s frown, “Don’t be such a baby lamb. If I can’t get that girl for you I’m not the weasel I think I am.” So Walter trotted off until the odor made him cough And he was sure that he had found the spot In the heart of Skunky-town he asked all around Till he came across the kitten he sought She had big black eyes and shiny fur And a fluffy tail held above. Well, Walter took one look at her And knew he was in love. He fell right to his weasel knees And took her tiny paw And he spoke of love and a little Fabreeze As the future that he saw She pulled back her toes and wrinkled her nose “I’m sorry,” she said, “I cannot. It’s not that I think you an unpleasant peasant, But it seems there’s an odor you’ve got “ME?” cried out Walter, “This must be a joke, I bathe nearly every day. You are the one glands in her ass And we all know about that spray.” So he messed up his buddy and missed on the girl And you probably find him quite evil But everyone knows how that story goes And I told you that he was a weasel.
  17. 2 points
    Perhaps something like this would be better... [V3] You've no need to hide or pretend Even if I can't comprehend Still I will love and defend If you feel like sharing your pain You can tell honestly, no need to refrain Or You can open the dam and flood my brain And to take you as you really are
  18. 2 points
    "She's got it all down, and it's packed up tight" -> loved this line. Ironically, it's a tight line. "She only goes DOWN the other way" is confusing for me. I got a sense that you were implying she's a lesbian. But I wasn't very confident about it. And the expression I'm familiar with would be "she only goes the other way." "Going down" is a reference to oral sex, which sort of leaves the door open. Maybe she has sex with men, just not oral. But also it just made me wonder if there's another way (maybe something new?!) to Go Down that I'm not familiar with. Basically, I just found that whole lesbian stanza confusing, and I think it could use some tidying up. If you were serious that the narrator is deceiving the listener so that he can have her for himself, I think you need to leave more clues. I didn't get that at all, and I don't think anybody would without being told what to look for. The wordplay is clever and tight, but I think there are potentially fatal structural issues. Basically what you have here is 5 stanzas and a chorus that all say the exact same thing. There's not much in the way of forward movement or story, and what there is basically just contradicts itself. I see two somewhat interesting bits. First, (according to you) the narrator is trying to chase off competing male suitors by telling them that she's a lesbian. The "Incredibly Hot Woman Who Turns Out To Be A Lesbian" is a cliche, in my opinion, and therefore not the most interesting plot twist. But I like the idea of a singer who is maybe trying to cheat at wooing her. Sort of. Though honestly, I don't think there's anything super original going on here. The second bit that stands out (ie isn't just you talking about how good-looking she is) is where you say there's only one thing she's missing and that's you. I was originally going to suggest that you build a song around these three things: Vs 1: She's super hot. Vs 2: Subversive wooing tactics Bridge: The only thing she's missing is you Chorus: some hook ... but I'm seeing an inconsistency here now. Because if he's so confident and cocky (the only thing she's missing is you), then why does he need to be devious in his attempts to win her for himself? That sounds like the strategy of a person with an inferiority complex. So the narrator's character is inconsistent from one stanza to the next. I think basically what you have here is a pile of clever lines about a hackneyed topic, not a song. And now you're having to do major major surgery to try to preserve the clever lines. I would suggest working the other way around: find yourself a good hook, an original idea, and then use all that talent to write clever lines for it.
  19. 2 points
    Beautiful imagery. I like the concept, the message. The first verse is really the only thing I want to criticize. Verse: We stare at our phones. We glance into the stores. We never miss anything in the roadway. But overlook to lift our head to the blue sky In the first two lines, I get a sense of people who are distracted. But then you say "WE NEVER MISS ANYTHING in the roadway." I have two problems with that line. 1. I think it undermines or contradicts the first two lines, because I feel like those are the actions of people who aren't really paying attention. So it's a surprise that suddenly they are so focused on the road that they don't miss one single thing. 2. It doesn't ring true to my experience. Distracted driving has become a much bigger problem since cellphones became popular. People are spending less time staring at the road than ever. I think you meant to say something like "people stare at concrete and straight lines, they stare at the road instead of the woods" (which are blowing past them at 100km/h anyway). But I wouldn't phrase it as "we never miss anything" because that implies rapt attention, which is definitely NOT the hallmark of our high-tech industrial culture these days. I also thought "overlook to" was an awkward word choice. I had to read it three times to grasp the meaning. "Neglect to" might be better. Also "eyes" might be a better choice than "head." It rhymes with sky, for one, but also it's more clear what you mean. That's really all I have to say. I think you did a magnificent job with the diction over all.
  20. 2 points
    I know it's hard to follow at this point. I'm trying to incorporate the rights of transgenders, cross dressers, homosexuals, bisexuals, etc to all be able to live and love in peace. This means, people aren't always the gender mentality that they were born with physically. The next line brings in homosexuals. Yes, there are many shades of each and combinations that can get rather complicated and confusing, but it's not for any of us to decipher. They all need defenders because there are so many bigots out there, some of whom go further than hurtful words.
  21. 2 points
    Love it!! Good Job!! Keep your own ideas, you'll do great. Take suggestions but use your own words. You are well on the way. Kudos I understand exactly what you are saying in this piece. But then again, I am the oddball in the group. My lyrics are never well received at first. But they are well received by musicians. I wish you only the best, you are off to a great start, keep it up. Cheers, Jim
  22. 2 points
    Welcome Zritch, I really like your idea here. The easiest way for me to critique this piece is to copy and paste the entire lyric, hope that's okay. You might catch some flack from others for changing your rhyming scheme but that doesn't bother me at all, I like that. Below I offer suggestions to make it more consistent and flow better. You may also catch some flack for not making a solid progression, this doesn't bother me either. Keep hammering on the same point, it goes along with the indecisiveness. I would not end this with the understanding of heaven and hell, I believe this this contradicts your point. Please feel free to use or discard any or all of the suggestions. Cheers, Jim HEAVEN OR HELL: V1: In a case of two extremes Devoid of subtlety - Devoid of any subtlety A constant battle between - Always been a constant battle A lifeless mind or infinite energy Never caught in the middle ground Bouncing back and forth forever Will there ever be peace within Can I bring my two worlds together Ch: I need some clarity - Now I need some clarity Or a way to get these thoughts aligned - A way to get my thoughts in line Moving back and forth - Always moving back and forth While I smile and pretend I’m fine I either rule the world - Now I'll rule the world today Or dig halfway to my grave - Tomorrow I start to dig my grave - don't go halfway Heaven or hell it seems - Either heaven or hell it always seems I can’t find a calm in between - I can't find the calm that's in between V2: Sometimes it feels like - Every day it never fails - you have sometimes in this line and always in the third line There’s two voices inside my head One always building me up - One is always building me up The other telling me I’m better dead The day I realized - One day maybe I'll figure it out And understood what they meant - And understand what this all means I came one step closer - I'll be one step further away To independence from them - From this glorious and cursed dream Ch: I need some clarity Or a way to get these thoughts aligned Moving back and forth While I smile and pretend I’m fine I either rule the world Or dig halfway to my grave Heaven or hell it seems I can’t find a calm in between Bridge: Depressive mania A walking contradiction Maybe it doesn’t make sense - None of it makes any sense - I would not be ambiguous here Maybe that’s the affliction - Therein lies the contradiction - again, be certain All I can do is my best - All I can do now is try my best With this weight on my chest - And carry this weight all on my chest Leave behind the rest - As I'm left behind from all the rest Each and every day a brand new test - And every new day a another test How will I face the day today - How am I going to face today As I stand in utter dismay V3: Sometimes I like to think - Sometimes it takes me to the brink I can control my thinking - I just can't control the way I think Until I fill up with doubt - Every day I'm filled with doubt The symptoms I can’t figure out - With symptoms I can't figure out I could be insane - Just maybe I might be insane - Here you can be ambiguous I could be inhumane - Or could it be I'm inhumane - okay here too The illness can’t be contained - This illness that I can't contain Now I understand my brain - I'll never understand my brain It’s one or the other - I would drop this line Ch: I need some clarity Or a way to get these thoughts aligned Moving back and forth While I smile and pretend I’m fine I either rule the world Or dig halfway to my grave Heaven or hell it seems I can’t find a calm in between Quote
  23. 2 points
    From the LA Times: Rock legend Eric Clapton has admitted that he’s struggling with hearing loss, according to a new interview with the BBC. Clapton said that the issue is one of several maladies he’s dealing with as he continues to tour into his 70s. “I mean, I'm going deaf, I've got tinnitus, my hands just about work,” he said. “I'm hoping that people will come along and see me just because, or maybe more than because, I'm a curiosity. I know that is part of it, because it's amazing to myself I'm still here.” Though the guitarist, 72, still sounded as sharp as ever on his 2016 album “I Still Do,” he has said that eczema, among other challenges, have made it more difficult to perform at his best. The Times’ Mikael Wood said of Clapton’s September show at the Forum: “Beyond those pragmatic concerns, though, he seemed almost blissfully undriven as he moved through a set meant to encapsulate his half-century in music .… Clapton seemed to reach some kind of zen state that rendered his ambitions and his calculations irrelevant; he was playing because playing is what he does.” In a new documentary, “Eric Clapton: Life in 12 Bars,” Clapton also recalls his decades-long battle with alcohol abuse. He told the BBC that the movie shows that “there's light at the end of the tunnel .… I think it's important to see that it's a happy ending, it's like a redemption concept. If you're going to go and see it, be prepared for a heavy ride."
  24. 2 points
    Hi Patty I like this - packed with attitude and good advice Great rhyming and flow - I expect nothing less from you though. Now, if I was a nit-picker, I might complain about tipping your hand a bit early. Normally I want to see the hook early, but sometimes it feels too early. Some suggs below - stash or trash Paul
  25. 2 points
  26. 2 points
    link to rough vocal guide - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0By_gtWNFkJjETUhVeTJrSmhoLVU When you've broken everything around you When you look about and find yourself alone When you kinda want to die while you lay sleeping When there's no place in the world that feels like home When you doubt yourself and everything you're feeling When your dreams have all been burned up and they've died When you want to smile but you can't keep from cryin' When you don't know how to fill that hole inside That's when you put it all in a song That's when you put it all in a song And let it bleed.. Let it Bleed Let it Bleed Let the pain pour out your heart Let It Bleed Let it Bleed Let it Bleed Can't carry that weight inside you Let it Bleed When your heart is breaking every moment When your tears come quicker than a happy smile When you look behind and all you see is failure When you look ahead and see the lonely miles When you're standing on the road to nowhere When a car's parked on your chest and you can't breathe When you're so damn lost you wish someone could find you When you're tangled up inside and can't get free That's when you put it all in a song That's when you put it all in a song And let it bleed.. Let it Bleed Let it Bleed Let the pain pour out your heart Let It Bleed Let it Bleed Let it Bleed Can't carry that weight inside you Let it Bleed Let the blood run red Let the blood run red Let it Bleed Let it Bleed Let it Bleed (copyright - Scott Smith March 31/2016 - all rights reserved)
  27. 2 points
    Who, how and why might be putting too much into the lyric and become too telling. We know he was going through a very rough time in his life then someone, maybe a friend, a complete stranger or even a spiritual figure came to him. I'll leave that up to the listener.
  28. 2 points
    You Win FrankeeLee Fabian ©2017 My self-worth is worthless The damage intact There’s no hope or recourse That’s just a fact The pieces are scattered Like crumbs on a floor I don’t have the strength To go on anymore You’re like a river I’m in the deep end Drowning and dripping Soaked with revenge I’d love to get even And settle the score But my lungs aren’t working I can’t breathe anymore Chorus So you win I call it quits Yes, you win I’m finished with this The sparring, the scarring The lying, the crying You’ve got one more notch To carve in So you, you, you You win Fooled by a promise Drunk on a dream You played me so well It’s f#$king obscene I’m feeling all empty Embarrassed and shamed Will I ever wash out These emotional stains So you win I call it quits Yes, you win I’m finished with this The sparring, the scarring The lying, the crying You’ve got one more notch To carve in So you, you, you You win Bridge I’m not looking back I’ll never look back I’m not looking back No, I’ll never look back So you win I call it quits Yes, you win I’m finished with this The sparring, the scarring The lying, the crying You’ve got one more notch To carve in So you, you, you You win
  29. 2 points
    I might be interested - I loved the instrumental piece you posted. I'll send you a PM..
  30. 2 points
    Hi Paul, Title? Let me love. I think there isn’t enough why here. I long for what I miss. I cant go on like this. Theyll come a time when life is dust. So before our chance is lost. Give us more why. Give us some profound insight. Love is all there is. Without love we just exist. Something that shows the heart to be wise. Listen to desperado again. Some of those love somebody before its too late songs. Make this profound, but keep it simple. Tall order, but you’re always up for a challenge here. This has potential. Excellent idea. What does the heart know that this guy’s brain doesn’t?
  31. 2 points
    I really like the sentiment here. It's simple truth and country. My only suggestion would be to rearrange things in a chronological order, moving the 'first date' up top. Take us on a journey. You may want to modify the chorus a bit after each stage of the journey. eg: if this chorus came after talking about the first date - BE the tattoo on my right arm BE a part of me Your initials and a heart carved Into an old pine tree Girl YOU'LL never BE temporary, OH WON'T YOU GET PERMANENT WITH ME just a thought. There are good bones to work with here, in my humble opinion.
  32. 2 points
    Mid-80s, my recording 'set up' was a portable boombox with built-in mics and a home stereo cassette deck. I'd record a track to the boombox, take the cassette out, put it in the stereo deck, retune to it (because the tape speeds differed just enough to be annoying), then would blast the first track out the speakers, while I recorded the next 'take' on the boombox. Drum parts were done with a first generation Boss Dr Rhythm - a 4" x 7" drum machine that you had to program in measure by measure. You can guess why I gave up recording soon after, and didn't re-start until 2010 with a Boss digital multitracker! Funny thing was programming te drum track in the Boss recorder was exactly the same as in the old Dr RHythm, except a slightly larger choice of beats.
  33. 2 points
    Heh, I'm getting a picture of me at a whiteboard full of scrawls, marker in hand, pulling my hair out. Meanwhile QP is smacking bubble gum and smiling. Man, every time I think I've unfollowed this thread, I get another email notice. "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!!"
  34. 2 points
  35. 2 points
    I've thought about this in the past, especially when I first joined. How members help each other and come up with alternative suggestions. This is what I think make forums like this remarkable and extraordinary. People's will to help and share their knowledge. People take and give advice here and co-writing/credits is never an issue nor topic. I can assure you it's never been a problem on this site and probably never will be. Don't get me wrong, people co-write here too, they just don't mix up giving advice with co-writing. There's no need for that. Unfortunately it's not that easy in the professional world. I'm afraid the stark reality is that if hundreds and sometimes even millions of dollars are involved things doesn't run as smoothly. It usually won't. Not trying my utmost to sound bitter here, just being realistic. (Also from experience) Back in my pro days, we did exactly what you talk about Murphster, we would ask for feedback, but we asked for no suggestions, unless the person we asked for feedback or suggestive lines/chords/melody was a co-writer. There was simply no other way around it. You get careful, not because you get greedy, but because you want to avoid the trouble that comes with it. I've heard of too many stories when there's just tons of legal trouble regarding who did what on what song, just because somebody popped their head in the studio and gave suggestions. That I can assure takes all the fun out of the process. It might not sound like a fun reality but when it's money involved it really isn't that easy. I wouldn't go as far as saying it's unfair when people are only trying to help. Especially if you asked for help, but I get what you're saying. But remember, we have to adopt to the customs wherever we go, and here, it is customary to offer help in form of critique, additional lines, melody, chords and song form etc etc. And it works. Because as of now, there's no dollars involved. And I for one can only say, here's to that! My 0.2 Cheers, Peter
  36. 2 points
    Hi Barney, This felt like a half development idea for a song. Some potential there but feels unfinished. I think you need to tell us a bit more about the protagonist and his/her friend. Maybe another couple of verses could help you to do that. Without that info, I think it's hard for the reader/listener to emotionally connect with the story. The I was also put off by these lines 'You dropped in like an angel / And grabbed me as I was halfway to hell'. I thought they were phrases that are a bit overused, a bit cliched, and maybe you could find a more original way of conveying the same point? My favourite lines were 'How much longer would I last / Living under a freeway overpass'. I'm interested to know what they were doing living under the underpass? How had they got to that position? You've set up a potentially interesting story but then not let the story unfold for the reader Hope that helps
  37. 2 points
    I get that barneyboy and struggle with it myself. I also know that like myself your not a musician and just writw lyrics. I actually prefer simpler lyrics that are more song like. Too many lyrics we read on here are all clean, perfect rhyme scheme and structure, good progression, tell the story with a beginning, middle and end but in reality how many songs do we listen to that are actually like that. Not many. Not the kind I listen to anyway. Truth is if your not a musician nd are just putting words down without a voice or music you are up against it and its very hard to get that feel across. We might put down lyrics that sound great in our heads but without the melody or music we've got to go the extra yard to stand out whilst adhereing to the rules
  38. 2 points
    Thanks for the feedback, folks, good points well taken. Will rework and post song when it's recorded. And thanks especially to those who let me know that it can't be both foggy and rainy at the same time...silly of me not to know that, but we dont get much fog where I live. lol. It's great to have found a place for constructive criticism. Friends and family would have just said, "Oh, that's nice" and been done with it..
  39. 2 points
    Welcome Ken. I really like this. You've got a great style. Keep the bridge, the bridge is good. If the song runs over your time frame why does it matter so much. The structure of the lyric is not too long. The AAAA rhyme pattern in your verses could be a problem for some but it's never bothered me. I'm not keen on the second line of the chorus and think it needs tinkering with slightly. I wanted sun but it's raining again sound cliche. Also the fog rolling in contradicts the rain. Just a little switch around, perhaps I wanted sun but the sun never came or I wanted the sun but it's hiding again. Other than that though it's really good and i Iook forward to reading more of yours in the future
  40. 2 points
    Yes, I agree this needs to be sprinkled more with metaphors or images. Perhaps coming at it from the standpoint of the drug addict that is aware he's in too deep. If not we can continue down this path and see where it goes. Here's the piece I wrote yesterday after reading over your write . It's a poem. Past, Present, Future Started in the sea Evolved onto land Crawled to find a way Through forest, pond and sand Crouched like an ape Formed into groups Before you know it we're human Armed with weapons and troops Declared ourselves God's gift Supreme beings on this earth Battled one another In an economic birth Enter the technology We're addicts with a cause Living in bubbles Few stopped to think or pause A new order for the world With machines rising fast Out of our racing minds Comes innovation that's vast Artificial life forms A genderless race Determined to reach the stars In the dimensions of space Seeking to find an answer To the beings we've become Targeting the process That expands beyond our sun Subconsciously connected To the channels of life & death Transforming into an equation A mechanical state of meth Carl B © 2017
  41. 2 points
    MMmmmmm.... I think the only thing that would set it apart from a polyrhythm would be where the accents are. Otherwise, you'll have some version of let's say a 10 over 11 in that example. But this all depends on what you're doing in the tracks. At some point I think we have to know that to proceed. Here's a little something for fun: https://mynoise.net/NoiseMachines/polyrhythmBeatGenerator.php
  42. 2 points
    That makes 2 of us While I have done that type of thing in the real world (example below), I have no idea how to accomplish it via software. I did match a triplet-time roll track with a straight-time beat track once, but I had to create them independently, then synch 'em manually. Needless to say, that was a pain in the ass! Perhaps someone else will chime in with a simpler method? Tom
  43. 2 points
    No, we still have a lot of lyrics to write.
  44. 2 points
    Hi, everyone! I thought of creating this new thread where we can discuss about the little critters in our lives, none other than our household pets. Mine are Donna and Michelle (my wife named them after Donna Summer and her bestfriend who passed away years ago), both are playful Siamese Cats who love to purr and cuddle, especially when I get home from work. On my days off, I usually take them outside to play, though as a precaution I bought them a kittywalk , so that they may still play freely, with no fear of them ending up on the side of the road. As with other cats, they like to scratch up the furniture, hence, another reason why we mostly play outdoors. Oh, and did I mention, they also like to watch Netflix with me. Please feel free to share who your furry companions are as well.
  45. 2 points
    Verse 1 Cold like the sun Warm like the rain Heaven and earth Fighting within Gentle as ice Sharp as the breeze Silent intuition Stay out of reach Pre-chorus Whispers whispering Colours darkening Blinding deafening Reality Chorus (Stay away) He's a hopeless hope Just a loveless love A beautiful face Carved from dust Timeless in time Tireless in stride Just a tragical happiness Unattained myth Verse 2 Smooth as the waves Swift as the wind Sweeping on over Cloaking me in Eyes set to steal Words set to hide Inching in closer Too close to breathe Pre-chorus Whispers whispering Colours brightening Blinding deafening Dreams Chorus (I don't believe) He's a hopeless hope Just a loveless love A beautiful face Carved from dust Timeless in time Tireless in stride Just a tragical happiness Unattained myth (But) He is a hopeless hope Just a loveless love A beautiful face Carved from dust Fleeting in time Slowing in stride Just a tragical happiness Unattained myth
  46. 2 points
    I actually like the native language better.
  47. 2 points
    Now you're just showing off - LOL!
  48. 2 points
    That’s 11 minutes I’ll never get back. 😀 Yes, that’s basically exactly how I write. But I have to write the words down or I easily forget them. Anyone else prefer these songs when it’s just a live vocal/guitar performance? I was liking this song until I heard the produced version at the end. I couldn’t make it through the song. I can’t get into this poppy production stuff. But I’m obviously not the intended audience.
  49. 2 points
    Just spent a lovely evening of beer and laughter in the company of an old commercial west-coast arranger. Not that old. Fred is actually a handful of years my junior. But certainly old-skool. With craft expertise and professional fluency in generous abundance. And his models for organising the musical universe are those he learned from Dick Grove The Dick Grove School of Music in the San Fernando Valley was, through the ‘70s and ‘80s, Southern California’s leading trade school for instrumentalists and singers planning to work in Hollywood studio and entertainment scenes. Students include Michael Jackson, Linda Ronstadt, a whole legion of west-coast professional jobbing lesser-knowns like my co-writing partner, Pat Coleman, for instance….. And Fred. Dick Grove’s own comprehensive system of music education incorporated the old Schillinger system which formed the basis of curricula at Berklee – I once encouraged Alistair to choose one of their free courses for fun and unrealistic challenge – and the Fred Stride system is grown from Grove’s. That’s the vague lineage of a style of thinking, as I understand it, which became the muso lingua franca. A couple of years back I spent half-a-dozen hours a week for a handful of months studying theory under Fred’s tutelage. A very high-intensity privilege. Then another handful of months sub-editing his un-published pedagogic texts. And all full of the stuff (finally!) that I wish I had known about fifty years ago. If only … Right now though, in my dotage (or “though in my dotage”), I have gathered together a collection of songs as last-gasp performance vehicles for my decrepit self and rhythm section with small horn-section of trumpet (doubling flugelhorn), tenor sax (doubling soprano), and trombone. But my progress in writing the arrangements has been slow and tentative. So I asked Fred for help – and he made me a magnificent and unexpected offer. Fred said we should treat the performance in entirety. My job first, he told me, is to organise two sets. Paying attention to keys & tempos, grooves & styles, continuity & contrast, tension & release, he asks me to make a detailed sketch of their emotional contour. And then, when I bring him the lead-sheets, we can sit down together at his piano and construct complete written arrangements for a satisfyingly coherent evening of entertainment. I am excited.
  50. 2 points
    Hey PaulCanuck, I am not going to critique because this song is beyond anything I cold do but I just want to say COOL SONG!!!!! SlowD
×