Jump to content


Popular Content

Showing most liked content since 21/07/17 in all areas

  1. 3 points
    Hi guys - this was my contest entry last month - looking to tweak. True story BTW Hello Piano Hello Piano May I sit with you a spell? My mind's been through a lot today But my heart has been though hell Your keys feel so familiar in my hands It's so nice to find you waiting here To comfort an old friend Oh, my Piano That funeral was tough The more I tried to hold my tears The more they wouldn't stop And people searching for a caring word Just echoed "Sorry for your loss" Their eyes fixed on the floor {pre} But you know what I came here for.. {ch} Let's play a song that lifts us far from here That frolics in fond memories, and lives in joyful years We'll leave this sad and senseless day behind For at least a little time At least a little time... {instr} So now, Piano Guess I'll close you now and go Though I'd love to spend forever here There are those I must console You've helped me keep this darkened cloud at bay Consumed me with your magic Just like every time we play So I'll be back here soon, to say.. Hello Piano Let's play a song that lifts us far from here That frolics in fond memories, and lives in joyful years We'll leave this sad and senseless world behind For at least a little time At least a little time
  2. 3 points
    Lyrics and Melody: Eric Borgos Music and Vocals: Chris Davidson Verse 1: The smell of pancakes wafting through a diner sunrise walks up on a mountain high Hotel bars and battle scar reminders to soar we all must slowly learn to fly Chorus: Back on the highway again city lights and stars ignite in a show that never ends That's where I'm free that's where I'm me Back on the highway again Verse 2: The cattle stare out over their fences there's a will to roam that can not be denied A wise man says it's all about the journey buckle up my friend and please enjoy the ride Chorus: Back on the highway again city lights and stars ignite in a show that never ends That's where I'm free that's where I'm me Back on the highway again Bridge: Not all who wander are lost some walk up to a line and know it must be crossed A world of adventure new seeds left to be sowed on the open road Chorus: Back on the highway again city lights and stars ignite in a show that never ends That's where I'm free that's where I'm me Back on the highway again
  3. 3 points
    Hello, Any feedback at all is appreciated! Spare me form the motion turning endlessly you say your soul is easy to feed but when the autumn colours fade inspiration can bleed Way out in the darkness burn out in the streets you say there's charm in living carefree on the dark and gloomy days i'll be ripe to survive in an awkward kind of way i feel ready to fly bring out the heart in me some air to breathe I'm chasing trails to no relief we're stuck in a fantasy I'm trying so hard to leave daylight kicks me out of jaded sanctuary set my sights so eagerly but when the tide is forming waves and it's starting to rise it's awful long to wait till a quarter to five on the dark and gloomy days I'll be ripe to survive in an awkward kind of way I feel ready to fly
  4. 3 points
    I’m Still Here Unpublished Work, Copyright © R. Dobbins Verse 1: I used to sense your heart in mine The two of us like one Now I just feel this glass of wine Meds that waste my mind And though I’m feeling numb Chorus: I’m still here Inside of what is left of me Somewhere you hold the rest of me But I’m still here I’m still here Verse 2: Those nights I’d find an empty bed Would burn some troubled these bloodshot eyes Recalling hateful words we said Praying time won’t end Before you realize [To Chorus] Bridge: When the present turns to the past Lost within the shadows cast from yesterday Tears can fall like autumn leaves will follow where sadness leads And a whisper on the breeze will seem to say... [To Chorus] Tag: Come and take a few more steps with me Remembering the best of me ‘Cos I’m still here I’m still here... =Bob=
  5. 3 points
    This one had been sitting in my desk drawer since spring or possibly last year! Found it earlier this week - I already had chords written down next to lines, and must have brought it into work to try to write some more lines. I've added to the bridge, but line 3 of the bridge is a filler, need something better. Could not come up with anything last night. I'm guessing that I wanted a 3rd verse, too, but nothing springs to mind, as I think this song will rely as much on the music as the lyrics. What I can do for an outro is unclear, too, although repeating the bridge is a possibility. Slow Time Down V1 Second after second, all goes by so fast Things that just happened are now far in the past What we thought was forever, now is gone Life seems like a one act play, now it’s done Ch Seconds turn to minutes turn to hours turn to days Months turn into years, all lost in the haze Time seems all wrong, everything’s out of phase Wish I could slow time down Slow time down Wish I could slow time down V2 It’s no fun to look back on all the regrets Painful memories, easier to forget But there were good times, more than just a few Filled with love and happiness, me and you Ch Br Looking for an answer that can’t be found As the world keeps going round (and round….) Afraid to break the silence, make a sound Time’s slowing winding down (and down….) (Lead) Ch
  6. 3 points
    man, what'd those triangles ever do to you, you shapist! LOL also, you're a better man than me for avoiding a line about a square peg and a round hole... cute and silly - probably fun to write
  7. 3 points
    Just my opinion, and many will disagree, but the lyric (before there is music) gets treated far too often as an independent finished product, when it isn’t. Lyrics are posted for critique, and there are lyric contests, etc. Sure, there are comments that can be made about the lyric, but there is a LOT that cannot be said until the lyric is put to music. When lyrics are written and viewed as stand-alone, they are often “overdone” to compensate for the lack of music. The more “elaborate” the lyric, the more likely it would be to win a contest. A simpler lyric would be less likely to win, but it could make a great song. A lyric can make for a nice story, but may be very difficult to sing, and just not flow well with the music. It is often difficult to tell until a completed song can be reviewed. On the other hand, we don’t often see music posted (not instrumentals) without the lyric/vocals, unless it’s in the collab forum, and we don’t have contests for this music. Why? Because it is not a finished product, and that fact just seems to be more accepted when it is music alone. Like the lyric, you can make some comments on the music, but it seems to be more understood that the vocals are needed to consider it complete. I have no bias here. I did lyrics-only before I started into music, but I recognize that either one alone is an unfinished piece of work.
  8. 2 points
    The Shape of You Copyright (c) 2017 Tennyson Road Music I was never too fond of squares And circles don't lead anywhere Octagons suffer from too many sides And there's nothing inspiring 'bout simple straight lines But I'll come to my point of view: I like the shape of you I like the shape of you I like the shape of you When you make your way - into a room A quick double-take is all I can do 'Cause I like the shape of you I don't favour trapezoids Most triangles - I'll avoid I shun parallelograms And leave Pentagons to old uncle Sam You're all I'm attracted to: 'Cause I like the shape of you I like the shape of you I like the shape of you When you make your way - into a room A quick double-take is all I can do 'Cause I like the shape of you {br} The more complex an object, the worse They really can get on my nerves I hope this doesn't sound too perverse But I prefer to watch something with curves! But I prefer to observe Something with curves! So... I like the shape of you I like the shape of you When you make your way - into a room A quick double-take is all I can do 'Cause I like the shape of you I like the shape The model, the make I like the shape of you!
  9. 2 points
    Hello; Here s new music. i wanted to do sth with a lot of dynamics and stuff...so... Let me know what you think always trying to keep the words simple - i m from Germany and most of my vocalbulary comes from other music...boom! thank you your Butcher porcelain all the porcelain that your grandma ever bought broken pieces on the kitchen floor and all the flowers in your garden dried out summer lighting empty highways lavender skies pale colours milky windows everywhere and all our kids toys colours faded in my hands love me when i say so only when i say so i ll never be the one you love i ll never be the one you love c’mon, c’mon, c’mon give me some c’mon i want some i ll never be the one you love cold mountain low on air but don t you think you ll feel love again and don t you think i m running back again into your arms love me the i say so only when i say so i ll never be the one you love i ll never be the one you love c’mon, c’mon, c’mon give me some c’mon i want some i ll never be the one you love
  10. 2 points
    Ill Begotten Booty Unpublished Work, Copyright © R. Dobbins Verse 1: She was a smokin’ work of art Her boy kept breakin’ her young heart Gets off on makin’ her his bitch here every night Then he goes grabbin’ back door shorty Diggin’ on that hot and horny But she his girl would never put up any fight Pre-Chorus: So I swung in like a pirate and I took her by the waist Dipped her to the dance floor then we made a mad escape! Chorus: And now she’s ill begotten booty (ill begotten booty) Swept her off those pretty feet in high seas crime Snatched me up some sweet patootie Such a treasure of a beauty She’s ill begotten booty and she’s mine! Verse 2: The dancin’ crowd was hangin’ loose That dude was scarin’ up some troops All ‘bout that swearin’ up and down and turnin’ blue Came at me gruntin’ full of fury Swingin’ cutlass sharp and curvy But I was way too fast and ran him through (well that ain’t true!) Pre-Chorus: Then I held on like an anchor while I kissed her on the run Hoisted up the main sails and we sailed into the sun [To Chorus] Bridge: When you steal another’s prize They say you earn an evil curse But falling deep into those eyes I hollered, “Screw the universe!” And I don’t give a shit if everything gets worse! [To Chorus] Tag: Oh yeah, She’s ill begotten booty This pirate’s only cutie A treasure of a beauty and she’s mine, all mine She’s ill begotten booty and she’s mine! =Bob=
  11. 2 points
    Sorry guys - I thought I had responded earlier I'm not a shapist! I'm a well rounded guy and some of my best friends are square Cheers for commenting! Thanks! Yeah playing in the shallow water can be a splash Hi CJ - some really good points here - I'm still tweaking the bridge wording to fit the melody I have. Think I'll go with "I hope this won't sound too perverse". Thanks for putting in the time to review so thoroughly - all taken on board I can assure you Thanks Bob - paranoid would be a good rhyme - haven't figured out how to fit it in yet though without losing the "triangle" shape on that line. Thanks Mike - the chorus melody is upbeat and hooky, the verses are slow. At least that's how it is playing in my head. Thanks Joey. My wife makes delicious squares and I am fond of them .. but I digress. Cheers for the kind remarks Hi Ron - haha maybe a hairy chest I have no idea how to write from a female perspective so I'm not even going to try Good point! Hi kuya - interesting suggs - I'll have a think. Thanks for commenting. She liked the nape of his neck and the cut of his jib But he lost her affection when he started to fib Thanks JOe - looking 4 ward to hearing your version.. Yeah parallelograms might be tough - but kaya wants us to sing Pythagarean Thanks for that comment! Don't follow Ed Sheeran but like most people, I've heard of him
  12. 2 points
    Not sure about how to help you with the lyrics part. However, if you’re looking to collaborate with professional singers, musicians, and engineers on future projects, you should definitely try Tunedly. It’s an online music recording studio, where all musicians are vetted, so you don’t have to spend precious time doing background checks to ensure you’re working with professionals.
  13. 2 points
    Ron your puns are a hex! Sorry but it's been oblong time coming.
  14. 2 points
    The more jagged? If you hadn't brought this thing full circle, you might have been roundly criticized.
  15. 2 points
    Sometimes. I'm a member of collaboration site called kompoz. I post lyrics and sometimes people turn them into songs. Sometimes I'll write words for a specific piece of music that has alreday been posted but needs lyrics. I've had quite a few done now with some really good results. You should check it out
  16. 2 points
    Lol, silly heterosexuals... I can sing that no problem. (besides, since when can't a man have sexy curves?)
  17. 2 points
    For what they're worth, these are my opinions: The vocals themselves are great, it's the vocal mix that's problematic. The vocal track is not consistently at a sufficient volume. I would not try to fix that with compression or other effects. I would fix that with an automated mix of the track level. The vocal track EQ doesn't have enough "warmth" or "body" - i.e., not enough lower frequencies are passing though. It's not so bad that you have a "megaphone" effect, but it sounds pretty tinny and "boxy." A sweet stereo reverb and/or a subtle echo/delay of the right type could do wonders for the vocal track too. Go exploring in your DAW for that. Love the song. David
  18. 2 points
    Hi, I don't particularly like the way the vocals on this. Any feedback specific to that would be great. But of course any feedback of at all is welcome. Lyircs Verse 1 You're not the only one you're not the only one who needs expression I'm dying to release Heavy on your shoulders flat on your feet my conscience torn looking back on ancient history twisting rollercoaster sweet relief my wits are worn your mind is such a mystery to me Pre chorus don't want to lose you tomorrow I can't handle you today don't wanna deal with the sorrow Chorus Ohh I'm trying for you darling that we sort it Ohh I can hear you calling do you want it tell me you want me tell me how we used to be jubilation you are the one who set me free over speculation sensitivity my lips are numb I know you're the only one for me taking everything so personally argument comes your mind is such a mystery to me Pre Chorus Chorus x2
  19. 2 points
    Very much an interesting and provocative write. I see the loose rhymes and assonance, you may have inadvertently created them in your chorus: Speed through time To much later in the process And I'm in love Suicide Comes in all flavours Dilute to your taste And I'm at a loss. At least, that's how I hear it in my mind. Enjoyed the read! =Bob=
  20. 2 points
    I guess the hook then is the chorus. Sorry for misunderstanding. I guess my presentation of the lyrics wasn't the issue after all. It's the chorus, then - especially the "I'm in love" and "I'm at a loss" bits, which mark the key note and also dramatically and suddenly end the song. The verses alternate between two different riff patterns as they chop and change but the choruses are always there and very standardized to bring it all back in to a focus again. Paul you're right that a handful of my songs do aim to be very unfocused and seemingly freeform, to varying degrees so that's a good assumption but it's not the case in this instance. This one has to be quite solid. As I said it's the reassurance anchor to the listener, after the album kicks off with a bit of relative weirdness - the song that says "don't worry, we know how to rock out - that first one was a deliberate choice". It's then followed by a ballad which might be the next one I post up the lyrics of. Or, should I get myself a bit more organized, perhaps the music and lyrics. That's the problem with linking to the music with these, by the by; I simply don't have it recorded in order to upload anywhere. I just have to get around to it, that's all - get over my nervousness. I remember over a decade ago when I was on here before posting up a piano improvization that caused feedback to my comparatively underdeveloped personality which made me react like, if I may quote Bojack Horseman, "this is not the immediate praise I expected!" Heh. So I just gotta remember if I can weather plonking up a bunch of nonsense, the only real value to which was "I'm reasonable at playing" and had no decent heart to it and be rightly shot down in flames... I can certainly weather plonking up a song or two I've spent a long, long time refining with a much more honed skillset in the first place, and receiving whatever might come my way off that. My main nervousness I'm sure is the fact that now I have actual pride in my lyrics, there's the added worry of their sometimes lack of vagueness not providing the same shield against awkwardness that my always-vague (and often just nonsensical) lyrics years ago used to. Like any div wandering the earth I'm worried about other peoples' opinions when I shouldn't be. It's just a confidence thing, though. This, throwing up the lyrics by themselves, helps build that confidence, to a point. But it stops being helpful when I lean on it as an excuse to not get around to the recording bit. Something I think I've got into the habit of. It's time to show off. I'll have some actual music next. I'm making that a decision now. No more lyrics until I've got the music recorded and uploaded to go with them. Putting my foot down. Thanks as always for all the feedback, u guys! I really missed being here, honestly. I recognize a bunch of the usernames. I wonder if anyone even remembers me, but well... it was a very long time ago and like I said I wasn't nearly as developed in my creative process back then. So likely not nearly as notable. On the offchance anyone does remember, I used to use the handle 'Lana Majes Sorosa' and write on piano instead of guitar. This place was one of my first regular websites and... well, it just has a place in my heart, really. Very glad it's still going so I could come back! Very nostalgic.
  21. 2 points
    This was really silly and really fun to read, I can picture music behind it. Not much I can focus on since it all works so well. Well I guess I'll focus mainly on that then! That's really tight writing right off the bat. Squares could be a thing people aren't fond of, what with the old slang meaning. That works. Circles are endless, so that works. Whilst the octogon thing's a bit meh by comparison it still definitely sits nicely in there and I love the thing about there being nothing "in-spiring" about a straight line! That's pretty awesome, really strong opening. I don't get the need for a dash in the middle of "When I make my way into a room" so I'm just gonna imagine that's some kind of musical pause or something along those lines, with the way the line's to be delivered. The next bit only breaks out one double meaning so far as I can tell (the Uncle Sam bit) however this is perhaps a good balance. Can't over-dazzle with stuff like that. This is all still good stuff, this I feel possibly is where you have a listener thinking to themself "hey I get this theme going on here, that's kinda neat" and really grooving along with it nicely. And then to punctuate it with another double meaning I'm thinking you'll elicit a kind of "hey, you did it again!" response. Bit of time to chime, then hit 'em with the line. Good timing in effect it would seem. Reading the bridge plainly on a page (and yeah I'm nitpicking here), the extra syllable in the 3rd and extra two in the 4th lines compared to the 1st and 2nd is a bit distracting. Of course this is a moot point if it works with the rhythm regardless. But if you did want to match them up, I might suggest "I hope this don't sound too perverse" (which also jives with the playful feel of the thing) and *maybe* dropping the "to watch" to form "But I prefer something with curves". That's all down to how much it does or don't (heh) drag the rhythm when in song form however which, obviously I can't tell here. It ends quite crisp too. "The model, the make" is a really nice addition. Altogether quite a joy to read, should make for a mighty fun song.
  22. 2 points
    As clean a lyric as your gonna get. It all works perfectly. It's not exactly deep or emotional or anything but I think it's very well written and gets a big thumbs up from me
  23. 2 points
    I’ve been on this site for a little over a year. In that time I have benefited greatly form the input, critiques and suggestions that have been offered. I also hope that occasionally I have been able to make a legitimate contribution to others with my own suggestions or comments. One thing I notice fairly frequently is the submission of what I would classify as “creative” writing, or “poetry” presented as a lyric. One of the most substantial benefits I have received here is gaining a greater understanding that a song lyric is dependent on mastering certain skills, and an appreciation that lyric writing is a well-honed craft that follows established rules and that it is both radically and subtly different from a piece of poetry or creative writing. Oftentimes, particularly with new members, I have witnessed them getting their feathers ruffled when confronted with a critique that questions certain elements in their lyrics. I just wanted to take a moment to point out that the first requisite for learning is to be open to comments. Sure, not every comment is going to tell you what a great writer you are (leave that to your parents, siblings or significant others). Personally, I’m here to learn and benefit from those individuals who are willing to share their experience and knowledge with me. If I receive a compliment that’s a plus, but truly, when someone says “that doesn’t work” I want to know why, and how to make it better. I can’t count the number of times a new member will post a sappy, overwrought, overdone lyric and never return because of less than complimentary critiques. To those people I would simply say if you’re serious about improving your lyric writing stick around, ask questions, and participate. You will discover that overtime your understanding of lyric writing will sharpen and your skills will improve. There are quite a few people on this site who have a great deal of knowledge about lyric writing and are more than willing to share that knowledge... I think that’s pretty special!
  24. 2 points
    Made some really great changes, although I kind of liked mowing mazes in the meadow. I especially like just going to awe.
  25. 2 points
    Seems to me this is about a young adult who is either a transvestite (who may have undergone the first stages of being transgendered) or transgendered or a hermaphrodite. In any case, she is treated poorly in public but uses her body to make money because she is pretty much a side-show and is pursued by perverts and sexual deviants. Sometimes the victim of public humiliation, assault and rape. This is the type of situation that tends to lead to self-loathing and perhaps eventually suicide. Nothing funny about it. I believe the mention of "punch line" wasn't meant to indicate something funny, but something hard-hitting and graphic. Which, I believe, is what you are going for in this lyric. This lyric touches on some very sensitive and controversial issues. A powerful write! I'd love to hear it. =Bob=
  26. 2 points
    Pardon Me Copyright 2017 Tennyson Road Music You might find that I'm a crook When you take a look into my books But I won't pay for things I took I'll sign a page and be off the hook You might charge me with a crime But I won't be serving any time The constitution's clear, you see I got the power to pardon me Pardon me Pardon me Pardon all my family Pardon me Pardon me I got the power to pardon me You might suspect I played unfair Russian connections got me here But I won't see no penitentiary My little pen will set me free Pardon me Pardon me Pardon all my family Pardon me Pardon me I got the power to pardon me You never thought it'd come to this A President you can't convict Shouldda held yer nose, voted Hillary DON'T YOU JUST LOVE DEMOCRACY?? Pardon me Pardon me Pardon all my family Pardon me Pardon me I got the power to pardon me I got the power to pardon me I got the power.. To pardon me Whoopppeee !
  27. 2 points
    Hi Snarky I like this .. except for Baby/Darlin/Honey. They don't seem like terms of endearment to me but I know others will disagree. Hey that rhymes I think they could be just removed and the lyric would be stronger especially in the chorus where they interrupt the flow. But I've been wrong before.. Paul
  28. 2 points
    I wrote this song about a year ago, and this is a brand new recording...sadly somewhat auto- biographical. ANY feedback is welcomed...especially the mix...Reaper's killing me. The words are on Soundcloud. Thanks in advance. Chaz https://soundcloud.com/charles-silhan/some-day
  29. 2 points
    This is the perfect kind of lyric for a discussion about whether it matters if the audience of a song -- whatever that audience may be, whether your friends, some folks in a bar, or a stadium full of fans -- needs to understand the words or not. We go back and forth about this issue on this site a lot. I'm 100 percent certain that if you wrote music for this that was as strong as say, Let Her Go by Passenger, that the lyrics would just be something people sang without too much thought. (My wife, whom I love with all my heart, rarely if ever pays attention to the words of songs. She may know them by heart but it's almost like they're just sounds rather than things with meaning). But if you are trying to communicate a meaningful story or convey a serious message (as you have indicated in your explanation of the lyric) then I think it unlikely that many people will understand this very much as it is currently written. I agree with Hobo Sage, for example, that the title itself sounds like a bee made out of paper (like origami) and that hardly anyone would understand it as "a bee who landed on a piece of paper". I also agree with Hobo Sage that "push a notional spike into a hollowed brain" is awesome writing and, I would add, pretty easy to understand. If the whole lyric had that kind of clarity, then, it is my humble opinion, it would work much, much better. Welcome to the Muse and I wish you the best on polishing up this diamond in the rough. --Doug
  30. 2 points
    Seeds I was six years old when my Opa passed away I peered into the casket as he lay there cold and gray He looked so different with his mouth all sewn up closed They did his make-up wrong, and he smelled of chemicals Please don't embalm me, when it's me who's finally died Don't paint my face up or fill my veins with formaldehyde You can keep my meat fresh with dry ice and essential oils Until you're ready to return me to the soil And feed the earth with my body All the blood and the guts that made me me Embrace the beauty of rotting We are nothing but seeds The pews were agony at my Opa's funeral My suit was itchy, and my shoes were too small The sermon was boring, then the organ wheezed and sighed My dad had coffee breath, and I wished I was outside What I want is a festival; a celebration of all life Djembes, and shakers; humans dancing in the night Host a potluck at a friend's house, if you cannot be outside Sing songs of comfort, and hold each other while you cry Feed the earth with my body All the blood and the guts that made me me Embrace the beauty of rotting We are nothing but seeds My Opa's body was buried in a coffin made of pine At our current rate of progress, it'll outlast humankind And I say he was buried, but I'm taking that on faith; We draped his box with flowers, turned around and walked away Lay me down in a blanket, in a hole dug in the earth Toss the soil down on me, as I lay dead in the dirt Then let the worms have at me, making good use of my bones Come back in the springtime; I’m in the flowers that have grown Feed the earth with my body All the blood and the guts that made me me Embrace the beauty of rotting We are nothing but seeds We are nothing but seeds We are nothing but seeds
  31. 2 points
    He has a smile I could die for But he's not smiling at me I don't even think He knows I'm alive And I'm too shy to show him I am Don't let the rhymes do the writing Tell it like you feel it
  32. 2 points
    If you're typically starting with choruses, then you're probably starting with the hook, and the general theme and point of the song. The verses should say something that makes a natural connection to what you're saying in the choruses - they should "set up" the choruses. And, each verse should do it in a different way - you shouldn't say the same thing in each verse in a different way, but have a new take on things that still connects up with the choruses and the theme overall. For example, let's say you have a chorus that uses rain as a metaphor to express sadness. Verse one could be about clouds rolling in setting up the "rain" chorus, and verse 2 could be about a longing for sunshine, which again connects with the "rain" chorus. Also, it's not uncommon for the choruses to express generalities/universals, while the verses provide different specifics connecting to those generalities/universals, and in songs that tell a "story," it's usually in the verses where the specifics of "the plot" are developed in support of more general insights you express in the choruses based on a hook that sums up the point of telling the story.
  33. 2 points
    Hi Mona, I'm going to move this into the Songcrafting Discussion forum, where it may get more answers. (This forum is more for Q&A about the site). That said: How do you write a song? It varies. I don't always start with a lyric, to be honest. But sometimes I do. Do you start with a chorus or a verse? When I'm writing, I'm often not sure whether what I start with will end up as a chorus or a verse. However, what I am doing in these early stages is to work out what the idea behind the song is. Sometimes what I start with is different from what I end up with. To get around this, some people will start with a title and develop an idea from that - deciding what will be said in verse one, verse two and any other parts, depending on the structure chosen. It could be a story (V1: This happens, CH: theme, V2: then this happens ... etc.). It could be a list. It could be various examples to support an idea and develop it. If you are writing a lyric that you hope someone will put to music (rather than writing your own music) it is generally a good idea to make the structure very clear and match the patterns of word stresses between verses - pay attention to rhythm. This makes it much easier for the musician to get started on the music. How do you write a verse? Each verse should get across at least one thought. It doesn't need more than one. Sometimes the first verses I write get thrown away. Sometimes they stay. What do you write in a verse? The first verse is simply an introduction. Then whatever is required to carry the idea (or story) forward. This is distinct from the chorus, which simply cements the idea and doesn't carry us forward at all, normally. Sometimes when things aren't working it can help to look at a few other things to see whether they help. Of course, the entire lyric may be discarded in favour of something else, but taking a different angle can help. Who are you singing to? For example, "I love him" has a very different feel from, "I love you". What tense are you using? The present tense is often more engaging than the past tense (but not always).
  34. 2 points
    If you put me back in the 60's and had me listen to the radio, sure I would hear what would come to be the classics of today, but I would also hear a lot of not so good stuff that would fade into obscurity. I think that's where people fall into the "music was so much better back then" trap. The good stuff gives them a sense of nostalgia and the bad stuff is often forgotten. Not everything playing on the radio today will be remembered even 10 years from now, but the best of this era will remain in rotation. Every era has good artists, you just have to endure the not so good in search of the best, and in the case of 60's music that was determined a long time ago.
  35. 2 points
    This is why I am almost never in the lyrics forum. It is not that I don't want to share my lyrics, but that I don't know how to critique yours without hearing a melody with them. There are plenty of great sounding songs out there with almost no rhyme to them at all, and there are those that sound like a poem. Just reading the lyrics on a page is difficult to tell how it will sound as a song. Often times I will come up with a melody to see if I can make the words fit into a song but that still doesn't work well when you don't know what the writer had in mind for a sound.
  36. 1 point
    the rewrite is TONS stronger - nice work!
  37. 1 point
    I think the opening line is great! A flashing warning, "Stroboscopic" may set you off. Perhaps only those familiar with epilepsy would get it. I dig it. =Bob=
  38. 1 point
    Something I wrote a year ago. It deals with the growing trend of people being stuck in the virtual world. Pretty simple little lyric. In the first two verses, I should maybe change 'I' to 'he' for consistency with the 'she' in verses three and four. Looking (Verse 1) Looking at pictures of girls Some of them even have clothes on, Wondering if there’s one in the world Whom I could place my hopes of love on? (Verse 2) I know I should look closer to home Like the pretty girl who lives next door, But the outside world has burned me So I don’t go there anymore. (Pre Chorus) Locked in our hearts And locked in our rooms, Viewing the world through a web cam zoom (Chorus) Losing touch with the real world When was the last time someone held my hand? Losing touch with my real self When did we become so damned? (Verse 3) She’s looking at pictures of men Some of them even have clothes on, She wonders if there’s one in the world Whom she could place her hopes of love on? (Verse 4) She knows she should look closer to home Like the handsome boy who lives next door, But the outside world has burned her So she doesn’t go there anymore. (Pre Chorus) Locked in our hearts And locked in our rooms, Viewing the world through a web cam zoom (Chorus) Losing touch with the real world When was the last time someone held my hand? Losing touch with my real self When did we become so damned?
  39. 1 point
    The first verse dives right in with some very vivid imagery and I like that a lot. One of my favourite things in any form of media... songs, stories, films, whatever... is the "jump-in", where things are just suddenly a particular way from the beginning and the audience is left to figure it out on their own as it plays out, without having it explained or built up to beforehand. A bit like a dazzling tactic, as a storytelling device. The picture you paint with these lyrics puts me in mind of that. Good stuff so far. In the chorus, I don't know if adding an "and" to the last line to form "and the headaches to prove it" might work? It would be more consistent since you begin with "and" or "but" at every other 2nd line, so it jarrs just a little for the final line to begin without one. By the same token, maybe remove one from the beginning of the "barrel of laughs" line, in order to fit with the other odd-numbered lines. I dunno, obviously I don't hear the music so can't judge it completely. A neater way isn't always the best choice, but it would be neater so judge it as you will. I love the title. I like titles a lot, a good one can draw you to a song in the first place. It's nicely unusual to be talking about ears in a song title, so I like it. Altogether seems like a very happy memory and was joyful to have a read of. Groovy stuff! Didn't really see anything else to scrutinize.
  40. 1 point
    I sometimes miss the point of some of your political lyrics mainly due to me not being on top of current American affairs. However I think this one is pretty clear and so are you feelings. I'm always happy to hear lyrics that try to show the powerful up for who they really are. The more the better I say. As for the lyric itself, standard you. Well thought out with plenty of humour
  41. 1 point
    Hello This is a sad song. I do believe sad songs usually need a little bit of light, but I'm not sure all of them need it. It's just me and a guitar. I would like detailed critique, if possible, just general opinions, if not. But please mention the good as well as what needs work, because I can't be 100% sure if there is anything special to this song, just based on my opinion. Please, tell me: Does the emotion come across? Lyrically & musically? Is it too depressing, and would drive a listener away? General opinion, is it any good? Is it powerful? What works for it? Is it an "open mic night" level song & performance? Or is it better than open mic, or worse? What doesn't work for it? Which parts are the bad parts? Any pointers? Is the structure alright, or does it need changing? If it does, any suggestions? Here's the youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjZTwcpKtw4 Or you could listen to it on soundcloud: Lyrics: I've got a burning souland the truth isI am all alonealone in thisI asked for help, it's overratedthey're lies they sell, & I hate itjust take this pill, & you'll sedate itbut I'm still numb, & suicidal & it's the sun, & my idolsno where to run, it is finalI've got a burning souland the truth isI am all alone alone in thisit's flooding up, with me in a cornerI can't keep up, & I built these bordersthe gates are shut, & they're my ordersbut I will not speak, & bare my soulit's mine to keep, so back away from the wallI've declared defeat, & I'll silently crawleveryday I rise, it all gets dullerI close my eyes, try to remember colorsso I lay to die, with no friend or a brother& I was borndestined for thisa wall of thornsthe dark of the abyssno crown or no throneno star to missa wall around homeif that's what it is& I am all alonealone in this
  42. 1 point
    Yes, great groove. Love you voice too. I agree about getting it up on top of the music. Such a cool voice....should be the gem in this song sitting on top of the ring. I like the lyrics allot. I don't want them to become too literal. I get the drift at a deeper level of understanding....they conjure up images and stir my emotions in a wonderful way. But it's clear to me what you are singing about. It's hard to criticize this type of artistic expression. It just is what it is....abstract and captivating. Gives me plenty of room for drifting into that beautiful voice and great music. My advice is get the voice on top and keep the song, don't fix something that doesn't need fixing....then give us some more songs of yours that are as wonderful. A+ on the song itself, just fix the vocals level.......Nice job!
  43. 1 point
    A few thoughts from me on this. I have 2 musicians working on my Portraits of War lyric and the main musician recently commented 'Spent a couple hours just working on the snare patterns - LOL!' Perhaps that was a bit excessive but it's an example of just how much work musicians may put into a song. So I definitely agree that writers should be really respectful towards musicians who invest their time in turning their lyric into a song. On the other hand, there are a LOT of tracks on Kompoz that have been posted by musicians who haven't been able to come up with their own lyric. When I decide to write a lyric to fit an existing piece of music I often listen to the music a huge number of times, each time trying to check that what I've written matches with the music time stamps and thinking about ways to improve the words, etc. I've probably spent a couple of hours tonight on a re-write of a 1st draft because the musician asked me if I could change the structure of the lyrics. So it's not all a one way street on the amount of time that is invested. This might also be a subjective opinion and/or contentious but I'd say that good lyric writers (and singers) are maybe in shorter supply than people who can play guitar, bass or piano to a decent level. (Drummers also seem strangely harder to find than I'd have thought ...) Regardless, a song won't work unless a group of people come together to collaborate and my view is that egos should be left behind when you agree to work with someone. If someone submits a suggestion that you don't like, then be courteous in declining and thank them for their time. There is certainly no assumption that every submitted idea has to be accepted. But equally, I'd recommend guarding against perfectionism. If a lyric writer rejects everything because it doesn't fit the perfect vision they have for the song in their head, then they may end up with just some nice words stuffed in a folder somewhere ... rather than with an actual song that can be listened to which, after all, is the whole point of what all of us are doing, right?
  44. 1 point
    I really like this. I have to confess to not getting the meaning until I read your explanation but that never bothers me. In fact I see it as a plus point. I don't know what monolith means. I personally don't like words that the average person who didn't go on to higher education doesnt understand. Hope that doesn't make me sound think. Anyway I love the way this lyrics written, something different. Well done
  45. 1 point
    Me and you against the world, least that’s the way I feel With all those snake oil salesmen selling dreams On every street corner of life Promising promises they never intend to keep
  46. 1 point
    Granted, it may not have been artfully worded, but I don't think Paul is saying you should be happy if the song doesn't turn out well. He's saying that you should be happy to have found a collaborator who was willing to give it a try, and not let a poor result sour you on collaborations in general, which you kind of implied was the case in your previous post by saying previous collabs were "a waste of time." Trying is never a waste of time, and many never even get to the point of finding a collaborator at all. Never mind. I see Paul spoke for himself.
  47. 1 point
    A cliche isn’t about simplicity, though in this thread you'd think the two were interchangeable. It isn't the vocabulary level of a lyric or whether it uses a beloved chord progression. A cliche is a trite and stale phrase. It means time, distance and sheer repetition have sucked the life out of it. By distance I mean at one time it might have had a literal correlation to reality, but it's somehow migrated from its literal component. Like "brown as a berry." What berries, exactly are so brown that we would use them to epitomize brownness? "Cute as a button." What's at all cute about a typical button? "Pretty as a picture." A picture is only pretty when it's a picture of something pretty. A picture of a crime scene is probably not pretty at all. "Red as a beet." Isn't a beet more like reddish purple? "Red as blood" would be more to the point. Though "beet-red" might be perfect when you're using it to describe something with just that shade of purply-red beet juice. "Neat as a pin." I'd think the salient quality of a pin would be its sharpness, not its absence of clutter. Unlike some cliches, these had a long, long time to dry out, and they would now be hallmarks of archaic language. As Paul wrote upthread, cliche is in the eye of the beholder, because if it works on me it doesn't seem trite at all. To me. It’s not just how old and weathered a phrase is, but also whether it still has the power to evoke a sense image, which it needs to be able to do if it's going to be able to make the listener feel something. In phrases that don't last very long once they're coined, it can also be about who the phrase has trickled down to. If a middle-school orator is using "at the end of the day” to mean "when all is said and done” or "in the final analysis,” it’s probably time for Anderson Cooper to retire "at the end of the day." The death knell for a fad is when the big kids see the little kids playing with it. At that point the big kids drop it like a hot potato, like a bad habit, like a sack of bricks, like a ton of shit. Fads have their life cycles, so do phrases. Like fads, trendy phrases don’t hit everyone at the same time. By the time it’s all the rage in Picayune, it’s done for in LA where it was coined, where they’re now off to the next thing. Writers are supposed to be the LA or Seattle or Boston or Manhattan of phrases. But if you’re putting cliches into your work because you haven’t developed the radar to know when phrases have played out, you’re the Podunk of phrases instead. A good writer won't ape trendy phrases, though there's nothing wrong with coining them ourselves. “And I Love Her” doesn’t have a single figure of speech. Which is kind of the difference between dark as the night and dark is the night. The second is a statement of fact, while the first is a figure of speech. Took something old and turned it around. There’s no phrase in that lyric that started off fresh and then degenerated into boring and stale. That’s one of the reasons it's aged well. Figures of speech, even if they’re sharp at the time we use them, can really tie a song to the year it was written. In thirty years, or two years or maybe even by two months ago, nobody will be moved by hearing about something being on fleek. I think the coolest thing to do as a writer if you want to write that something is "brighter than a..." or "as black as..." or "as cold as..." or "meaner than a..." is to come up with something you haven't run into before. Come up with it yourself, and then google it. It might show up, but maybe it won't show up in a song lyric. That's pay dirt. That's as fresh as this morning's mushroom, and it's associated with no lyric but yours. Melahide, one reason I-V-ii-IV is so insanely popular is that when we first see a list of all those songs that use it, the list surprises most of us. Most of those songs don't remind us of one another. The progression is the same, but the songs riding over that progression are different, even though we could superimpose the tunes on top of one another and they'd be in harmony. "Someone Like You" doesn't bring to mind "I'm Yours," not to me anyway. I think of I-V-ii-IV as being like the dog genome that way. The same species parameters give us all these incredibly different-looking beasts. Elastic as the dog genome. Is that in any lyric out there? The nerdiest lyric ever if it is...
  48. 1 point
    You have to talk it out with him, JOe. Otherwise your frustrations will fester and grow to full-blown resentment. Maybe you could do a mix of things depending on how long your set is and how many sets you do. You could/should do mostly straight acoustic stuff as a duo. But, maybe you could do a tune with you solo acoustic with maybe him just adding backing vocals, a tune with him solo through with his full-blown tech sound with you adding BV"s, and maybe a few tunes with both of you doing a hybrid sound. But, try and persuade him that the core of your presentation should be as an acoustic duo. Anyway, solo, duo or band, it can take awhile to define "your sound." Work together, but let the bottom line of what the venue wants be determinative. However, if he starts using the pedal's looper function, kick his ass!
  49. 1 point
    My apologies as well. Have a great day! =Bob=
  50. 1 point
    I agree 100% - starting with lyrics first gives you the most freedom as a "writer" . . . of the lyric. But, the converse is also true. Starting with something of a musical arrangement and vocal melody without regard to specific words and phrases gives you much more freedom coming up with those. For me personally, having that freedom at maximum potential when starting a song is more important. Rarely am I at a loss for words - they're always there rattling around my mind - and I never seem to have that much difficulty coming up with a lyric once I have some music and an idea of how I want to sing a melody to that music. In contrast, finding a killer riff, a sweet chord progression, a cool rhythm, etc, is, for me, like making a special discovery - a discovery of the right sounds for a song - sounds that come from musical instruments (including my voice and digital tech) and aren't accessible to me by mere reflection like words which are part of my vocabulary are - and I'm never confident that I'll find the next sounds in instruments that I think are good enough for my next song.