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  1. 3 likes
    Little Girl Lost by Tammy Jann © 2016 Little girl lost, but no surprise the vultures came when they heard your cries they laughed at you and pecked out your eyes what choice did you have but to believe their lies tripping, stumbling finding your way it's hard to move on when it seems safe to stay the shadows are watching you like you're their prey maybe it's time to admit you're afraid Little girl lost, stands on the edge an owl flew by with its wings outstretched so wise and calm it talked you back from the ledge and you grew the courage to keep moving ahead back on the path, the vultures came swooping and teasing and calling you names but this time you laughed, and it wasn't the same so they flew off to find someone else to maim.
  2. 3 likes
    I’m certainly no expert at deciphering the quality of lyrics or what works or doesn’t. I just go by what “speaks” to me and is relatable and seems like it’s written from a place of genuine truth and experience. I’ve read this lyric a number of times and in all honesty I couldn’t find a place within myself where it “speaks” to me. It’s like you came up with an idea for a clever hook and then labored to see how you could make it work... (I guess that’s what we all do to a greater and lesser extent in our lyrics.) But this lyric reads like it is way overworked and over-thought and that draws so much attention to the effort that it dilutes the flow of the lyric and the story, at least to me. It also reads very repetitive too, me which makes it feel very static in terms of the story, again, at least to me. I honestly don’t mean to sound harsh and I see that some other folks left you some very complimentary comments so it’s possible that I’m the odd person out on this lyric. If you’re truly in love with this lyric maybe you should put it aside for a few weeks and then revisit with fresh eyes. I do want to be clear that I’m not discounting all of the obvious time and effort you put into this, I’m just sharing my thoughts and feelings on how it played to me.
  3. 2 likes
    Here is a rough version of a song i just recorded, honest opinions?
  4. 2 likes
    Hi all......I haven't recorded anything, at all, since 2015.......but, I got busy with this one just this last weekend. As always, all comments are welcome, and first impressions are most appreciated Thanks, in advance -Tom She's In LoveBy Tom Tognacihttp://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13520238Forty-five more miles to go This old freight train’s moving way too slow She’s in love She’s in love ……..with someone else The sound of steel has a lonesome bite Crawling up my back on this winter’s night She’s in love She’s in love ……..with someone else I got out two days agoFrom a jail in OhioHeading for the place I once called homeI hang my hope on my LorettaBut she only wrote me one letterCalling for the day when I come homeThe northern lights are a mysteryAnd there’s no solace in their companyShe’s in loveShe’s in love ……..with someone else I’m so tired of being lonelyI’d call home, if I could onlyKnow for sure that she’d be there aloneNow, all I have is my LorettaAnd the words written in this letterCalling for the day that I come homeAnd I’m coming home.
  5. 2 likes
    I think the important take-away from all of this is my buddy Tee's gonna be dancing with devil and I'm gonna be strolling with the saints.! Amen!
  6. 2 likes
    Looking for any input which will lead to a stronger lyric! Tallow tree They’re going to pull down this tallow tree Its in the way as far as they can see Taking up a primo piece of land trash tree is all they understand Nobody here will give a crap When its just a pile of sawdust, mulch and sap There's lofts to build foundations to be laid There's bridging loans and rent which must be paid But ... tallow tree - When I was a kid I used to love your shade tallow tree- I kissed a girl in the shelter that you made tallow tree- Halloween leaf piles , springtime lemonade tallow tree- Now destined for damnation gentrification There's nothing much to say, its no big deal My wife rolls her eyes at how I feel A vignette in this concrete , drywall town Whose rise is marked by pushing nature down
  7. 2 likes
    Surely it could be even more complicated if only we just tried a little harder.
  8. 2 likes
    Hi all! I've just recorded another demo video of a song I wrote quite a while ago.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhyM0MaCmsQIt's a simple song but I like to take a less is more approach sometimes. Chris x Lyrics: Locked into A dirty little red room It looks misused How Could they ever be this cruel Look at all the grooves Lost in doubt Simple Move I never wanna be, never wanna see or believe in the truth So cold, from the bottle you drank from I'm turning to A negative amigo I'm pushing though a reminiscent creature fool So what am I to do Across this town Hey fuck you I never wanna be, never wanna see or believe in the truth So cold, from the bottle you drank from What's this all about, watch my back x 4
  9. 2 likes
    Hey tongue-tied. I don't give a shit if the song is about mainlining heroin and neither does Bob. Our comments (if you bother to read them) are about equating a relationship to beer and cigarettes. To me, that is about the lyric - because the listener must relate to the lyric on an emotional level for a lyric to work. Tyler has made a good point - that cigarettes give a "high" - not being a smoker I hadn't thought of that. But I think he can learn from my comment in that non-smoking country fans might not get the point of the song. Just as I learned from his response - that smokers will get it, and that they still use cigarettes in country lyrics. Paul
  10. 2 likes
    Garyhale's ALABAMAS BEST goes to heaven teeporter's Beer and Cigarettes goes to hell Poor tee how UNFAIR It's just sheer blindness that "Beer and Cigarettes" is reviewed not according to its own merits as a lyric, but based on moral criteria . Well tee,please know that I like it especially the chorus. You managed to deliver the feeling of the imagery in a clear,simple and natural way. "Baby we're good together" said millions of times before and still generates the good shivers when said to one's baby. Yes,smoking cigarettes is a health hazard,but when I listen to a song about beer and cigarettes,I never think of the health effects.Heck... Your unjust preachers overlooked to deal with Garyhale's SINS found in his ALABAMAS BEST.He committed three grave sins according to their logic: 1- He grew drugs. 2-He smoked drugs which is worse more than smoking cigarettes. 3-He spoiled the cop and made him join the gang. Come on guys we are talking art... To make it clear I do love both "Beer and Cigarettes" and "ALABAMAS BEST". I hope that Gary is generous enough to send me two joints,one for me,and one for my"baby" to go with the case of beer you have already sent.Thanks a lot. All in all very well done tee,just remember your song "You Shine" I'm saying it to you. P.S. Sorry that I had to mention ALABAMAS BEST in order to make my point clear.
  11. 2 likes
    this was an excellent lyric - the verses had a poetry and imagery, and the transition into the chorus (with the evolving meaning of the chorus) was seamless and very well done The only comment I have as I read through it was the very end. Ideally you should lead into that chorus, but you didnt show it in your lyric after verse three and it would be an awkward fit "If you can stand" "And those that could, stood" i think one possible way to work this out would be craft your message in the last verse, and draw the emphasis to our collective ability - something like this: thinking back on my day as I laid in bed that night I couldn't help but believe some day we'll get it right thank God for your freedom Thank a soldier when you can And think about one another and if you can...stand if we look for common ground instead of just choosing sides We'll be much stronger as a team and we will sing with pride .... Those that could stood those that couldn't tried ....
  12. 2 likes
    I think you have a good idea but I think it’s overwritten and gets buried in the length and similarities of the verses and chorus. (As I read this I hear it roughly sung to the tune and with the inflections of Bartender’s Blues by GJ.) From the opening verse we know pretty well where this is going and what to expect and that, I think, is both a blessing and a curse because, yes, while it meets our expectations it doesn’t break any new lyrical ground IMO. I think this would greatly benefit from some editing and trimming (see He Stopped Loving Her Today - really tight write - no excess fat on any of the verses) as well as rethinking the choruses which don’t offer us anything other than what the verses are telling us - there are no surprises in this song - why did she stop loving him? Was it someone else who caught her eye? ( Was the cheating she did with a friend of his - something stronger and than just "cheating" could add some interest.) Or maybe she died in childbirth? Maybe she took her life... whatever. And writing a traditional country song doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to hit every last maudlin country cliché - a couple are mandatory but don’t overload it. Say them in a novel way we haven't heard before that will stimulate our interest and keep us tuned in and help us empathize with your misery and hurt. Don’t misunderstand me, there’s a lot to like here and I really think you could craft a strong standout song with some judicious re-thinking, re-writing and re-imagining.
  13. 2 likes
    Thank All of yall for your suggestions. If I had to pic any of your posts to fallow advice to. I have to admit that Emily Emily is spot on from my perspective. All of yall had very good as well as helpful advice. The honest truth is that from the moment I posted this song it has truly bothered me, The Idea was strait forward. It said what I wanted it to say. But the song just isn't very good. Maybe after rewriting it may smooth out and flow a little better. I think it is one of those I will just put away and maybe somewhere down the road when my head is in it I may make another run with. Just curious if this has ever happened to any of yall? Again I do appreciate your help Johnny
  14. 2 likes
    Every love is another small life that you cannot relive, When it's over, the flame in your heart is about to die But one day you are fully revived, you are glad to believe There is somebody waiting for you underneath the same sky. Every love mixes all the bright colors that shine in your heart And sometimes you can even discover new beautiful hues Or big secrets about yourself as you play the new part Of a savior, hopeless lover, creator or muse. It can make you a desperate victim of self-sacrifice Or a poet of blues, seeking pleasure and beauty in pain, Yet you'll never be able to play such a part more than twice - Once you fail it, you try one more time but it's all been in vain. Love can come to your world in a strange and astonishing guise, Don't get blinded until you can clearly see its true face. It can suddenly strike you, be ready for such a surprise, Let it conquer your heart but make sure it leaves you free space. © Ria April Avalon
  15. 2 likes
    Hey all, I've got a new track called Euphoria and would love some feedback! Warning: some offensive language. (lyrics below) Thank you!! Micky Lyrics: I’m addicted to euphoria I’m addicted to the way that it makes me feel Like a motherf*cking warrior Like i’m radiating light through the atmosphere Oh god, I’m loving it loving it (repeat) I’ve gotta have it every day now I’m looking for a quick dose that’ll satisfy me It’s how I live my days now It feels so good to make believe So come with me and i’ll Show you what the stars are really made of You’ve got no idea I’ve seen the light And that’s why I’m addicted to euphoria I’m addicted to the way that it makes me feel Like a motherf*cking warrior Like i’m radiating light through the atmosphere Oh god, I’m loving it loving it (repeat) Cuz there isn’t any better way to make you believe That i’m living in a kingdom of ecstasy Than take a taste of a remedy I came across when I felt I was ending I swear I hurt before The pain was so much more than a kid from Queens could take could take fake f*cking people coming in and out of hallways Now I’ll show you what the stars are really made of You’ve got no idea I’ve seen the light And now I… I’m addicted to euphoria I’m addicted to the way that it makes me feel Like a motherf*cking warrior Like i’m radiating light through the atmosphere Oh god, I’m loving it loving it (repeat)
  16. 2 likes
    Yeah, long, if this all ends up in the song. If you're looking for somebody else to do music and don't mind them cutting about half of it, then it's nice to have choices :-) Second half of first verse ought to follow the same rhyme scheme you use throughout the rest of the song. That pre-chorus is probably twice as long as it needs to be to function as a pre-chorus. One thought (which regulars here will be tired of hearing about), but to me, an AABB rhyme scheme might be a little to light and happy for a subject like this... try an ABAB scheme and see if it gives it a bit more of a "down" feeling: Tossing and turning, restless in despair. Dancing and dancing, it's playing on repeat. What were my dreams are now my nightmares. My mind's now the only place we can meet. And then verse 2a goes to AAAA, I'd suggest changing two of those lines so that all four don't rhyme... actually, if you just made the first line, "...there's no-one in my bed," that might fix it. I'm also not a big fan of bringing "my mum" into this, and even if you do, I would be consistent in referring to the girl as "you," not changing to third person. And maybe "is" should be "would be" or something a little more past-tense-y. So, yeah, there's lots of emotion in this; maybe a little too much, or too many different emotions. There's "you hurt me" and there's "I want you back," and for a three minute song, maybe that's more ground than you need to cover. Even if it's a "true story," you don't need to tell the whole story in one song. It's not a bad start. If this was mine, first pass would be going through and trimming it down to size, probably by choosing one theme or the other and focusing the lyric on that. If it's a song about how "you hurt me," then drop some or all of the "I still want you back" sections, or vice versa. Me, I'd convert it into ABAB sections, cut down the pre-chorus; maybe chop verse 3 down to four lines and use it as a bridge (and a bridge would be the place to bring in that "I want you back" idea as sort of a contrast to "you hurt me"). Also, just a reminder, looks like this is your only post... please look at some of the other lyrics here and offer a comment... even if it's just from the "casual listener" perspective, it's helpful to other writers to know what the casual listener thinks of a lyric.
  17. 2 likes
    Things change, guys. I for one, think that Alistair is doing a great job keeping everything going. I actually had spent quite a lot of money out of my own pocket to personalize the message boards on Muse's Muse way back when so that it matched the site. Unfortunately, that isn't sustainable at this point - unless you guys want to come up with a fund to pay for it - and Alistair is doing this on his own without financial assistance, as far as I know. This place continues and that's a great thing. However it needs to happen is fine with me.
  18. 2 likes
    It may have become obvious since I took over but, just in case it isn't, I thought I'd let you know that I have changed the guidelines to remove some parts that I felt censored us unnecessarily.. As you are likely aware, the site no longer replaces "bad words" - and hasn't done for a while. It never made much sense to me, was easy to circumvent and, sometimes, that word is EXACTLY the right word, so why not use it? I have also removed the old guideline about being "tasteful" (which was a euphemism for avoiding harder-edged stuff, I guess). I only ask that, if you want to post something that you think is "adult advisory" (another euphemism), you label it somehow (either in the title or in a tag). That way, if people are offended by such material, they can avoid it. Of course, with freedom comes responsibility, but I'm sure we are all aware that edgier material may attract edgier critiques - it's all feedback. The golden rule is that personal attacks (on artists OR on people offering feedback) is NOT OK, and never will be.
  19. 1 like
    Hello all, I noticed here and there that more than a few people have said that they enjoyed challenges based on a specific theme. So i was wondering if anyone was up for a lyric challenge on a theme or topic yet to be decided? I have no preference in mind. Yesterday was the first day of spring. Summer vacation after that. Mother's day is coming up. Father's day after that. Gary seems to think Alabama grows the best weed. My kid's got too much homework. There's a zillion ideas we could pick from the news. If there's any interest we could do it outside of the monthly contest. Just wondering. Maybe we could even do quarterly themed challenges. No harm in asking.
  20. 1 like
    I didn't want to fall in love either... but I did - with this song! Sometimes it just happens like that.
  21. 1 like
  22. 1 like
    I think you did great. The story of the lyrics is something everyone can relate to. You also have a very nice & unique sounding voice.
  23. 1 like
    Boss voice and a great topic to rap for. Great choice of tracks as well. The attitude really emulates through out the song. For me the track lacked in rhymes and change in rhythm. The flow of the rap could've been more fluid rather than solid blocks on your verses. Good chorus though.
  24. 1 like
    Hi, Michael Welcome to the muse. I really like your song. Great message. I think what I like the best is that the theme is relatable and you gave it a personal touch with the pictures of either you or your son? and family. Words are real and I like that. Sounds like something I might hear on the radio. Look forward to seeing more of your stuff.
  25. 1 like
    Wow! What a lyric! I also like fabkebab's suggestions. I wonder if in the last verse replacing believe with the word hope would supply a sense of additional longing and desire. Wonderful effort.
  26. 1 like
    This song's timeless. Damn likeable though, and that includes the arrangement, also sounding very retro with the guitar, along with some very unobtrusive percussion. Yeah everything about this feels like one of your old favorite shirts. As it is, this is a quality piece of work from artist who obviously knows his vision and how to bring it to tasty fruition. Thanks for sharing your song.
  27. 1 like
    Hey, thanks everyone. Much to my surprise, I took home Album of the Year!
  28. 1 like
    Hi Real (or should I call you Rush?) Two things that struck me (BTW, many of my recent songs have waxed nostalgic, too, and they don't always appeal to others because of it): Verse 2 - rhymed 'understood' and 'stood' - basically the same word. There doesn't seem to be any real 'development' in the lyrics - all 3 verses say the same thing, just a little differently. Maybe think about restructuring, so verse 1 is the past, verse 2 the present, verse 3 the future. KOS
  29. 1 like
    That was extremely enlightening! Thanks! =Bob=
  30. 1 like
    I really like this song, It hits a strong chord with me. Several years back there was a live oak tree that was very old. Very alive and healthy. We are talking about a tree that would have easily measured 15 ft at the trunk. Well they were turning a two lane into a four lane and had actually left the tree for the longest time. You could see the tree for miles. Well one day it wasn't in the sky line as I drove. Sure enough as I passed the area, there she lay. I just couldn't see the justification. I still to this day get a sinking feeling when I drive by that spot. Your song instantly stirred that emotion that I get when I drive past that spot. So at least for me, your song did exactly what I want more than anything for one of my songs to do when someone reads/sings it. I thought you did a great job on it.. Johnny
  31. 1 like
    V1 Here's to more drinking alone in the dark Love's won and I am tired Because I've stood up a hundred times After falling head-first out of my mind Now I'd rather stare at the ceiling And watch the bad times roll Pre-Chorus But I don't want you to know I live at the bottom of a bottle Can't even string three words together anymore I don't want you to come by And get your sorry tears all over my life I'd shut you out if this bottle had a door Then you'd have nothing left to be sorry for Chorus And only God will be able to see my hands shaking Only silence will be broken by my words Only I will remember the way the days started fading Into a haze of spilled liquor Oh I deserve this V2 This one's for the fools who let down their guard And held on to every lie I've been done a hundred wrongs And hoped two could make a right Loved you to a fault And let you take your toll on me Oh you've still got a hold on me Pre-Chorus But I don't want you to know I live at the bottom of a bottle There's three words like poison, can't be said anymore And I don't want you to come by And see the flood of tears I've cried I'd shut you out if this bottle had a door Because you're not sorry now and you weren't sorry before Chorus End Darling, I've never been this low before Before I was ever one for love Finding solace on a concrete floor Too afraid of getting up Lord, is it even worth it anymore? I just need to fill my cup And wallow in my stupid luck Regretting things I've never done To deserve this Somehow I deserve this
  32. 1 like
    I like this - comes from the heart even if you didn't intend it to. The prechorus is a bit longer than usual - don't bore us get to the chorus as they say. My only other thought was to put a twist at the end - and say "I don't deserve this" Good stuff - keep 'em coming! Paul
  33. 1 like
    This is very much in my wheelhouse. One of those “I deserve everything I get” lyrics “because I’m so easily fooled and led on by my stupid head and heart.” There’s quite a bit to like about this and I can thoroughly identify with you. Love is so often rotten and foul when fed by false promises and incubated by childish dreams. I have journals filled with the horrid results of my impetuous actions... I’m such a slow learner and I have a terrible and destructive history of self-medicating. While it’s true that these ill-conceived behaviors ignite and spark my creativity they nevertheless scar and poison my soul... I have a line in a lyric I’m working on that reads, “I pray for happy endings but I wind up on the floor.” Your lyric seems to resonate with that statement of mine. Not to babble on but I think you have the makings of a very interesting and powerful lyric.
  34. 1 like
    This gut-wrenching thing really succeeds in conveying the mixture of pain and fury and demoralization that flows from deceit and betrayal. Wallowing at its finest. The did-me-wrong theme is quite perennial, of course, but this one is up there. I'm not sure about it technically, the meter (it seems little bit free-versey), rhyme scheme, singability, etc. The verses don't have the same number of lines, nor do the prechoruses, but maybe you've got that figured out. Favorite parts: 1. you're not sorry now and you weren't sorry before 2. the whole "end" Least favorite: I deserve this (To me this doesn't seem needed, even though it's the title. There's nothing in the song that would indicate why you deserved this. He's the worm. I would just keep the focus on your misery. On the subject of you deserving this, if you must, maybe pose it as a question, or a theory (maybe I deserve this, or what did I do?)
  35. 1 like
    Dang.. You really got this done in just one morning? Well done. I really like this. I like how in the chorus you use double meaning of the word "sentence". Clever. I agree with A Musical Key that maybe a different title would be better. It didn't really grab me when I saw it in the list of lyric critiques. I agree that "Paragraphs of Pain" would be a good title for this one, as it really stood out for me as well. Great job though!
  36. 1 like
    Also, "Your Love is Like a Sentence" also has the dual meaning of like a prison sentence... =Bob=
  37. 1 like
    Not bad for a lyric done in a morning! This is a wonderful early draft with plenty of ideas to sift through. I'd think about changing the title to something a little more catchy. Your Love Is a Sentence may seem clever but it needs something to better explain the lyric. The standout phrase for me was "paragraphs of pain" which might be a better title. The hidden letter caught my attention as did the wrap up with the half finished letter. Nice. But the lengthy verse 2 suffers from too many phrases which come off as repetitive. Not unusual since most first drafts are more of a brain dump. Forgive my comments if they offend. They are meant to help not hinder.
  38. 1 like
    Catchy tune, and full of optimism and fun. Good singing and musical performances. Reminds me of something that belongs as a TV sitcom theme. Very cool! -Tom
  39. 1 like
    Fab, I liked this...had the chorus hanging around in my head for an hour or so. There is one thing that bothered me however. The Uke, and rhythm guitar have a bouncy almost shuffle feel to them. But the banjo and horns are playing a straight "4". For me, that conflict sort of messed up the groove. Also, the guitar solo starts the modulation, and at first I thought it was really out of tune....It wasn't, but I wonder how many other listeners would have the same reaction. It starts nakedly without chords to back it and that could be very easy to fix if you deem it to be at all important. If not...never mind. Nice effort. Chaz
  40. 1 like
    Lovely guitar playing. Not my cup of tea sty-wise but a lively tune. Not sure the melody is catchy enough to garner a lot of interest, but others may disagree. I quite like the production and build up. Thanks for sharing! Clint
  41. 1 like
    [verse] OK my life's been going up in flames burning out the candle at both ends at night I dream I see your face wake up in the morning I can’t see a thing [prechorus] good and once around was once too much ours was just a broken kind of love I told myself I'd had enough but then these lonely nights started adding up [chorus] I don't want bad love but I need it now I'm just trying to make it through the night somehow The phrase help me make it through the night is distracting to me because it reminds me of the classic, Help Me Make It Through the Night. And you use it eight times. There must be some original way to say it. [verse] I keep thinking you’re not gone reaching for a ghost that I don’t want casting shadows on the wall Back to Chris Kristofferson again! (from the same song) ("Like the shadows on the wall") To me, the title and the idea behind the song is quite good, although not exactly noble, though I've been there.
  42. 1 like
    I agree regarding the final line of verse 1, doesn't quite fit. Musically, it might be hard to have two different length pre-choruses, so you might want to cut the first one to: and once around was once too much then these lonely nights started adding up Isn't there a Taylor Swift song called Bad Love?
  43. 1 like
    I really like the song. For me the last line of the first verse doesn't fit quite right. Might just be that I may not be singing it in the right pattern. At night in dreams, I still see your face I wake in the morning and a new lie begins That's where I ended up. Like you said though , a lot of the way words are sung determines how they do or don't fit. Johnny
  44. 1 like
    I'm just a guy doing my own thing in this world. This site was the very first place I ever posted any of my music. I was very fortunate to have stumbled upon this site then, and I'm very happy to see it still going. Thanks to all who have made this possible...especially Jodie and Allistair. ;-)-Tom
  45. 1 like
    Hey there Gypsy.....I love this!! Got me singing harmony, right from the start. The earthy rhythm guitar hooked me instantly. Loved the melody...the performances......a great band tune that I would be on board with. Loved it.....inspirational. My hats off.......my kinda tune!! -Tom
  46. 1 like
    Hi I really like this. I think you have got something very promising here. You say that something may be missing. Could it be something between verse 2 and 3 with a bit more detail preparing us for the scene described in verse 3. Just a suggestion as overall this is good.
  47. 1 like
    I think #1 works but it's boring. #3 should be moved to the delete pile. #2 is pretty cool. I like the lightning bolts and star. However. I think the bolts and stars look cramped. So the guitar pick idea might not fly. I'd say maybe try leaning towards something more like #1 using the lighting bolts and star. But then again. There is not much originality in the bolts and star. So maybe start thinking outside the box. Sorry, I probably didn't help much. Lol. Good luck
  48. 1 like
    Bob, Perhaps the sniffing gave you your wins. Agree about the rhythm. Barnyboy, You're such a school marm fuddy duddy. No fun at all. I must say, however, that I will implement 80% or so of your many suggestions. Bitter medicine!
  49. 1 like
    There is a strong sense of emptiness at the heart of this track. And the title leaves room for interpretation. What was posted twice, a letter or maybe a person? I imagine a soldier twice posted to a distant war zone For the music, I'd suggest sticking with the minimalist approach. Maybe just silence with intermittent heartbeats and then, finally, the quiet is pierced by the sound of a bugle?
  50. 1 like
    I can't give you any more of my time Cold water running down my spine Caught in the glare from your eyes Cuts right through me, built my own knife I know we won't ever be the same I don't play these waiting games So don't tell me you need me to stay (THESE TWO LINES SEEM VERY LENGTHY AND WORDY TO ME I WOULD SUGGEST CHOPPING THEM DOWN AND MAKING IT SING A LIL EASIER) When I need to run and I will run all the way To leave you and all this trouble far behind me But here you are running right beside me You'll always have a grip on this heart of mine But I won't slow down, honey, I'm doing fine Well, am I doing fine? It's just cold water Another hour in the rain Just cold water Running all through my veins And I won't let you Watch me fall far beneath Love, I'll bet you You'll be crying over me Well the door to your heart was never open And I guess mine's only meant to be broken I'll tell you, darling, all that glitters isn't golden And love is never given, love is stolen And I've finally had enough Of giving out, giving in, of giving up You knew how to hurt me just right But I swear to God, I'm doing fine And I'm better off if you're with them tonight I'm numb but at least I realize It's just cold water Another hour in the rain Just cold water To ease the pain And I won't let you Watch me fall far beneath Love, I'll bet you You'll be crying over me I like this lyric a lot, you have a lot of good material in here. I do think it needs some work though. The structure mainly, Because it's hard for me to figure what the verses are and what the chorus is and what the bridge is. And the meters seem off to me a little, but maybe structuring it would help clear that up. Hope these suggs can help in someway nice write, thanks for sharing and as always stash or trash.