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  1. 2 points
    Revise #2 Thanks for all the suggestions! You You You Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 You said Let’s meet for coffee We’re friends, It’s been too long I said Sounds like fun to me But boy, I got that wrong! Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do Just once I’d love to hear you ask What’s New with you? V2 I tried to get a word in But you were on a roll Your cat, your boss, your diet Your high cholesterol Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do Just once I’d love to hear you ask What’s New with you? V3 A real friend asks about me And listens to what she hears You’re a busy one-way street I’m just a pair of ears Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do Just once I’d love to hear you ask What’s New with you? Bridge Wish I’d had a chance to tell you what is new with me My man’s working overtime and I think she’s twenty-three I need some major surgery and I can’t afford to pay But I feel better knowing you’re behind me all the way Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do Just once I’d love to hear you ask What’s New with you? V4 Your parting line was priceless It showed you had no clue You said It’s been wonderful Just catching up with you Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do Just once I’d love to hear you ask What’s New with you? Original: You You You Patty Lakamp © Copyright 2017 V1 You said Let’s meet for coffee We’re friends, It’s been too long I said Sounds like fun to me But boy, I got that wrong! Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you V2 I tried to get a word in But you were on a roll Your cat, your boss, your diet Your high cholesterol Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you V3 Why do I put up with this? What did I see in you? Why do I call you a friend I’m just two ears to you Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you V4 Your parting line was priceless It showed you had no clue You said It’s been wonderful Just catching up with you Chorus All you ever talk about is You you you You’re the one you love to listen To to to Yeah, tell me more about the things you Do do do How come everything is always You you you
  2. 2 points
    Hi Peko, Very Cool! I like it a lot. I really like Ty's idea for verse 3. I think that in the chorus if you were to change one word it may sound better. Yeah, tell me more about the things ya Do do do IMHO Cheers, Jim
  3. 2 points
    Hi Ty, I have read through this piece several times and each time I like it more than the time before. This is a fantastic piece of writing, making one think of the meaning. But this may be your biggest hurdle. Back in my heyday, lyrics were everything, too many anyway. Some didn't care to take the time notice the lyrics, only the catchy melody. I have been a lyrics freak ever since I started listening to music in 1968. Growing up we never once had music playing in the house, which at the time I guess I thought was normal. Then I got a record player with a headphone jack and headphones for Christmas when I was 10 years old. I would play it always with the headphones on as to not disturb the non-musical folks who occupied the house. And Holy Shit ! I was off and running. The recordings as well as the equipment weren't that great, so I would listen to them over and over until I could understand every word or at least what I thought made the most sense. I have probably listened to more music than anyone on this site. Not necessarily different music, just the volume of time. Some really great music coming out around this time and I would sit mesmerized listening to the now greats. To me, a song is nothing without very good lyrics as well as the harmony. I actually like the lyrics better. I wanted to buy a guitar at this time but it seemed that it was never in the budget (nobody wanted to hear that noise). So, I was never able to fulfill that desire, but I never gave up on listening to and dissecting lyrics. At age 21 I met and worked with a guy who is now a guitar virtuoso, having taken lessons From Jimmy Atkins, brother of Chet Atkins. This changed my appreciation for what it takes to become a great guitarist. I bought one, and like everything else in my life, I was going to teach myself. Well, my friend could play very well at the age of 5 with no lessons. Turns out he was a prodigy and I promptly sold the guitar. So, at age 22 I thought that I would start writing lyrics. Turns out there were too many distractions at that age. I started writing lyrics a little over 2 years ago and now have over 200. Which all need to be edited several times and critiqued. Anyway, I flew way off the track there, just a little history of where I'm coming from. Back to your biggest hurdle, after all of that. My apologies. I believe that strong lyrics are the backbone of the song. But I truly believe as I observe the younger crowd today, this will be a very tough sell. It's hard to get the attention of most people now for anything, let alone the fact that they now have to figure something out. Well, that's way too hard, I'll just Google it. I too love history and believe that it is so important to learn, but that's just not the way it is now. The lyrics that you have written in this piece are utterly fantastic, and I hope to someday to hear it with a melody. I think that this is a very important piece and my hope is, that people will take the time to read through this several times until it is well understood. It is so important that we try to keep things like this lyrical piece alive and thriving in this non-stop uphill battle to regain sanity. Cheers, Jim
  4. 2 points
    We haven't hit rock bottom at least based on the write. And what is rock bottom? The worst possible place one can be and cannot go down or deteriorate any further. "If" rock bottom has a basement, implies the perspective is not certain. Yet, "It seems that's where we're at". Again, uncertainty in the perspective's voice. If rock bottom has been reached then out of the breakdown (and sinking no lower than the epitome of the worst possible place), out of that comes the break through. In other words, if rock bottom has been reached, there's no place to go from rock bottom but up!! And clearly there are no "if's" here. The perspective doesn't see any hope based on the position taken with the way things are. And that's fine! But! I would consider going back and making this more assertive, more affirmative (stronger) and shift the way rock bottom is used in the context of what is written. Chorus If rock bottom has a basement - Basements are in houses. But I know it's yours to keep so... It seems that's where we are Really? Then why bitch, moan and complain if we've reached it? UNLESS, we can do better. If we can, then we haven't reached rock bottom and it has no basement.If we are looking for substanceAll we'll get is an empty jarWhat this country doesn't need- This is preachy.Is a washed up reality star Suggestion If rock bottom has a basement We can't be very far When we are looking for substance And all we've got is an empty jar new line Is a washed up reality star Additional suggestion - Make the title. "Rock Bottom" and rock bottom alone. Much stronger as a title without the basement which weakens it and brings it down. Haha get it. Brings it down. Ugg. BridgeWe need a better replacement Because rock bottom has a basement! Sounds like some cheap TV jingle, sales pitch or campaign ad. Maybe here in the bridge the perspective can add in something about going back up to the stars. But ,first we have to get to rock bottom before there can be something positive which clearly hasn't been revealed here. If we're at rock bottom, there's no place to go but up and clearly we have not reached rock bottom according to the perspective here. Food for thought. Nothing more.
  5. 2 points
    Ty, You use the word "did" too much, I guess to fit the words to the cadence you hear. Other than that, I think it's pretty damn cool. So I'm reading it and getting some of it. I see you are starting the verses with lines from The Gettysburg Address. The rest of each verse seems focused on the current political polarization of the nation, which, although there is no civil war going on now, seems to threaten our union and it's unclear if we're up to the task of breaching the gap that divides us. Some of the chorus lines seem to reference Lincoln watching the construction of the Washington Monument, which was only partly completed at the time Lincoln was president. The narrator seems to wonder if the obelisk today still represents a monument to our great nation and one of its key founders or a tomb for the American experiment that no longer seems to be thriving because of the political polarization driving Americans apart. The last chorus ties the two noble men, Washington and Lincoln, together through the reflecting pond on the National Mall. You get a zillion points for doing something unique and doing it well. I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone try something like this here. And in addition to it being superbly put together, I don't see anything in there that would offend either side of the political aisle in the U.S. And that's a neat trick to pull off in a political lyric. Cheers, Doug --
  6. 2 points
    Nice work james and love the change to transitory. Great suggestion Ty and good on ya to adopt it. Yes I figured you had a backlog--but I agree you might curb your enthusiasm a little and let folks ---and yourself---chew and digest a little. Also, not sure I agree with Paul that this needs a chorus. Eveything is leading toward "Nashvile Transitory Blues"...so if you ad a chorsu, you will likely end up with competing hooks. The musci will have to carry this so that might be a challenge, but gotta think it will do fine. Now for my suggestion. Having been to Nashville, I know the routes and highways and cities I pass through---and that adds so much---so wanted to know where you started, and some details about the road, where you got the flat etc. Those details enrich the lyric, like giving names to people by making things "real". KOS as they say
  7. 2 points
    Before the females on this site and the PC police get on you for your chorus, may I suggest a slightly more creative (less denigrating?) way to express your sentiment? Maybe alter your chorus to something along the lines of: Pre Chorus: When we touched on the dancefloor we both felt the spark You were revving my engine but left it in park How was I to know, it was just part of your show Chorus: Half the way home was all you would go Your hips they said yes but your lips they said no From bumpin’ & grindin’ and so lecherous To a Mormon on prom night you’re so treacherous Idea being to be a little more artful in your delivery and a little less vulgar? You might get more flies with honey. If you prefer use ‘fishing’ references, like bait, or nibble to tie into your title, which to my mind originated with fisherman. Maybe first time through just the pre-chorus, with the line ending: How was I to know, if it was just part of your show Keeps the suspense going in the story without giving up the ending so soon? As to the verses, I am not sure how much time you put into this but some of the rhymes come off as lazy/tire/overused, eg cried/died and away/away. I am sure if you put a little more thought into it you could come up with something better, no? Just trying to head off some of the negative feedback that might be coming in on this. I would also recommend deleting the other post of this song to avoid confusion. As always, just my thoughts, use/adapt/ignore as you see fit.
  8. 1 point
    So, I did a little more work on this. While I was trying to smooth out the ending I decided that I liked my longer version better, and then I felt like it needed just a bit more. Screw the length critics, I like it this way. I also did a little more research on reverb, echo and delay. I found something that suggested not using reverb at all and using echo or delay to create vocal space. So, that is what I have done. I dropped all the reverb and put simple slap back echo on the vocal track. I used a delay plug-in on the "my cage" part of the bridge and did away with all the other echos. I also decide that my attempt to growl my way though the bridge wasn't really working for me so I dialed that back some. I'm not sure I like the bridge just yet. It is still a work in progress but I think it is getting there. Thanks for you help on the lyrics. Stage fright I heard the sun say to the rain won’t you take my place today another God damn day began with these people looking back my way Sometimes I want to run away and let the moonshine rule the day Stage fright, got me uptight Stage fright, I see you watching me tonight oh yeah, oh yeah Seems like just the other day dreams of bright lights on the stage now all my dreams just fade away in the spotlight of your constant gaze Sometimes I want to run away and let the moonshine rule the day Stage fright, got me uptight Stage fright, I see you watching me tonight oh yeah, oh yeah It’s so ridiculous Feeling conspicuous just want to remain ambiguous Watchin’ me on your stage just want to turn the page tonight these eyes on me become my cage. Sometimes I want to run away and let the moonshine rule the day Stage fright, got me uptight Stage fright, I see you watching me tonight Oh yeah Stage fright Stage fright I see you watching me tonight Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah
  9. 1 point
    here's a song i posted about a month ago in the feedback section. here is the finished song:
  10. 1 point
    I like this, it's different and gets you thinking. Excellent sir.
  11. 1 point
    Your cat, your boss, your diet Your high cholesterol My man’s working overtime and I think she’s twenty-three I need some major surgery and I can’t afford to pay Younger folks probably don't talk about those things. =Bob=
  12. 1 point
    Rerry33 Definitely a tough subject to write a song about. You have a have a unique vocabulary. Which will serve you well as a songwriter. the more I read it I found it to be very though provoking. I like the chorus a lot . good job.
  13. 1 point
    Ambitious Shab....I actually did get the poem\noun as a verb thing, (without having to google or youtube it ----padabump) I think though that the ambition to create a more complex language around your central idea ---which I take is a love song---actually detracts from it. People like to hear simple lyrics in a song....intricate wordings and meter require attention and digestion...so time, focus and effort. So A for effort and less for outcome BUT a big welcome to the Muse and I do hope to see more of your work
  14. 1 point
    <Let me know if it sounds too much like Joni Mitchell. She was definitely an influence. And also, give me tips for melody, if you can. What genre of music do you think it fits?> LYRICS: Slanted eyes and gypsy hair With a mean old crooked-smile glare She’s stupid, she’s sad, and young Swearing with her English tongue And she sings obscure forgotten songs Of lonely love and dancing nights And she laughs a little too long Otherwise she’s sighing Or even worse she’s crying Who had kissed her cowboy mouth? And caused her eyes to burn away And who could make her count the days Until he comes around He had a somber, sweet blue face And a soul of tangled tatted lace He’s crazy; spends his time alone To play his drums and xylophone Drowning out his own heartbeat And he thinks that he’s forgotten He wants to be complete But he knows he can’t defeat The aftertaste of sweetness The ugly burns of summer heat He had kissed her virgin mouth She caused his sense to go away He wanted her but couldn’t stay She hopes he’ll come around You know that he will come around In a month or two I’ll see you And I don’t care if you mind You’ll love me when you taste me I know that I’m your wine You can’t resist my cowboy mouth And you like my gypsy hair And I need your tangled tatted head And I need you to be there I know that you still care I’ll kiss your silent mouth
  15. 1 point
    Overall, pretty good, but I'd like to hear a bridge in it to put the singer's needs in (as a change). Never got to tell you my boyfriend left Or that my old dog died Been out of work for a month and a half But I'm glad you're on my side!
  16. 1 point
    I love this lyric and I think everyone knows someone like this. You have the perfect amount of humor in this piece and it’s an enjoyable read. Just one nit: the last line of the chorus is “How come everything is always you,” which sounds almost jealous, as if the narrator is saying “why are you so special.” I think some rewording might help clarify the narrator’s opinion on this person.
  17. 1 point
    Just F in’ around with my iPhone and GarageBand app. So the sound isn’t stellar by any means. Trying to have a little fun. Where All My Kitties At?? I luv kitty cats Where all my Kitties At They’re furry and they’re fun Acrobatic when they run In a ball on my lap Always down to take a nap By my feet in my bed Always stepping on my head Meow meow Just like the kitty said I luv kitty cats And she luv kitty cats He probably luv kitty cats Where all my Kitties At They’re crazy and they’re cute And they’re always in pursuit Chasing mice and other cats Knocking over this and that Making noise while I’m in bed 9 lives until they’re dead Meow meow Just like the kitty said Chorus Bridge Chorus
  18. 1 point
    Rerry 33, it’s clear that you have ‘a way with words’, and there’s a lot of good imagery in the lyric. I’m with Carl, though, in that the piece is overly wordy, and because it’s basically off-the-cuff abstract - almost stream-of-consciousness - it’s impossible to determine a concrete message. You mention that you spent just 30 minutes composing the lyric. I think you could come up with something much stronger and more compelling after some solid revising, and deciding exactly what message/emotion you want the reader/listener to come away with. A connection needs to have been made. As regards your contracts: I’ve advise caution with Majestic Records Corporation. I suspect they’re a company – like a lot of the other scams in the music industry – that simply ‘sign contracts’ with hopeful songwriters in order to charge them money to make a demo. Avoid these kind of places like the proverbial plague. If your lyric or song falls into the hands of someone – e.g. a publisher – who is genuinely interested in working with you, that person will pay you, not the other way around. And he/she will be responsible for the costs of creating a demo and for pitching it. Am I right in assuming that – since MRC advertises for songs/lyrics/poems, etc. – you submit your lyrics to them? Have you done extensive online research on the company? It’s possible that there’s information about the organisation online. Anyway, this is just my tuppence worth (from a fellow Canuck). Keep or sweep, of course. Donna
  19. 1 point
    Nice and conversational with a topic that wants to make you feel...but like WB said, it suffers because of its linearity I suggest losing anything linear and focus of you, how do you feel about this fundamental loss and the change it brought...and how does that affect your own relationship with your son??? maybe something like this I lost my own when I was five So when Mom said I should call you Dad I remember hardly saying a word You were just some guy who wore that tag My young and foolish early years Brought disappointment to your face And as I grew that mattered more One day I let you take his place KOS as they say
  20. 1 point
    I also think the line "you had plans for me" sounds dark at best and predator-ish at worst. Maybe something along the line of "You could see the man I'd someday be?"
  21. 1 point
    Hello Patty, Not knowing the context for what inspired you to write the song. It tells a pretty linear story. However I'd like to know more, particularly where you grew up, the environment you were in, Or where this conversation is happening. A setting is usually what is missing from songs. It seems the lines people have had trouble with in the chorus is the opposite of the one I have. "You had a secret plan just for me" It takes me out of the song a little bit and makes me wonder if this plan is ominous and I am missing something here. I am curious if this line fits more with what you are trying to say "You had the perfect blueprint to raise me". hope this helps! I'm no expert, your song was just very interesting to me.
  22. 1 point
    Very nice! I like how you write, very positive. My uncle's name is don Williams my father was Gene Kelly, funny about name. I like some broken hearts never mend.
  23. 1 point
    Verses are a pretty good. You can feel it. I think the third line in the chorus could be tweaked a little, but otherwise not to bad.
  24. 1 point
    Hi all, any feedback welcome. x
  25. 1 point
    I cannot disagree with anything you wrote Spanish Buddha. Your observations are spot on. One thing i heard once is that the west has something called guilt, and the east has something called shame, or face. On a lighter note it’s true that nobody will probably ever sing this lyric, or any f my lyrics, but these verses themselves, as is, could be sung to Brown Sugar. Not the bridge or the chorus. In fact brown sugar makes reference to the same Ghanian coast line where so many slaves departed. I always write with a particular voice in mind, and I pictured this sung as if it was on a stones album. ( not that they’d be caught dead singing it) I wasn’t writing this to try and provoke anyone to do anything about the issue either. I don’t have any solution. No macro solution. Lots and lots of micro solutions. I found it an interesting topic. I recently finished a Carlos Santana autobiography, and he wrote of visiting the Cape Coast Castle in Ghana in the early 70s with tina turner, who was completely overcome to be there and how eerie it was. Santana also wrote about the conditions in Tijuana and his hometown. Like you I’ve gotten to know a lot of people living very different lives than my own. Some of them do or did some god-awful jobs and they consider themselves grateful even to have that. Thanks for the insights and comments.
  26. 1 point
    An interesting write, but more a statement than a lyrical composition. Lyrically, no one is going to sing this. Suggestions for improvements? Guess you could tighten the meter in the verses so that they're aligned better. Format it all you like to make it like a lyric but unfortunately interesting issues that are deep (by today's standards aren't going to attract many to want to hear or repeat in a song of this nature, commercially or otherwise.) All these issues are overwhelming to the listener but that doesn't detract from the message however. No plans to comment on the content line by line here. The message is a good one that you've made. Like you, I have also spent a lot of time living, working and traveling in Asia and elsewhere. I've seen, heard and know about the hardships locals in Thailand and other countries in the region experience on a day to day basis and how the sex industry in at least a place like Thailand is actually at the financial heart or backbone of the country's economic stability. There is a lot of resentment towards foreigners as a result. It's like a love/hate relationship where locals in many situations (both men and women) must do things like sell themselves physically to men in a city like Bangkok in order to put food on the table for their family back home, up country on the farm. They very often hate doing what they do, may even be angry but do it because they have no other means of survival. In many situations these people have limited amounts of education. Thai generally speaking do not like foreigners largely for this reason. Many of the westerners and others and there are others going to their land who contribute to the problem and perpetuate it yet the sex industry and foreign money help to keep the economics afloat as well as dinner on the table for the poor. It really is twisted and sad but at the end of the day this is the way it is. We in the west have this ideology that we're going to change the world and or the standards or lives others lead and yes as the writing says in this piece, in doing so, we often times do more harm than good when attempting to crack down or shut down certain businesses and industries. The perspective in the writing is very aware of what is going on abroad and at home but yet surprisingly (or at least in the write) for someone who has lived or lives part of the year still in southeast Asia doesn't seem to take into account that what we identify here in our own country as a problem or problems is not viewed the same way in some of the places depicted in the writing. You must be aware that in Thailand and perhaps elsewhere in Asia and in other developing world countries, they are much better at accepting "what is" rather than wanting to change it and this is a fundamental ideological difference that separates the west from the rest. No matter how horrible, deplorable conditions or treatments are for people, they accept, that these things are part of the human condition and a way of life they must find a way to adapt to in order to survive. Perhaps being more homogeneously based societies forces them to conform to this mindset more so than in the west (rugged, fierce, at times defiant individualism) not to mention religion which may or may not play a part as well. In Thailand, it does. Buddhism is non-confrontational and I think to make my point to compliment your message, I can sum it up in a joke about how people adapt or deal with the conditions you've spoken about and not just in the developing world but here at home in the United States as well. What's the difference between dropping dead and dying on the street in New York, Auckland and Bangkok? Answer: In New York, they'll walk right over you. In Auckland, New Zealand, Canada and parts of the UK today, they may still say "excuse me" and then walk over you, BUT! In Bangkok, they'll simply walk around you lying dead on the street, and such is the way of the world in one of these situations in how they do or don't adapt to and deal with awful and atrocious things most are aware of. Apathy is everywhere to some extent unless directly affected. What the perspective defines as a problem or has sensitivity towards, is something that in many of these countries or places referenced, they go around or find a way to survive , deal with or just accept. A Filipino colleague of mine summed up the differences best. Asians have a better understanding of human nature than we in the west do and they simply accept the good, the bad, the ugly as a result. In the US and other western countries, the reality has hit, due in large part to technology, that we're as rotten and corrupt as some of our neighbors, but for years have seen ourselves as superior or almost omnipotent in terms of values and yet we are now confronting the reality that we have the same problems that many of these other countries face. The difference is our way of dealing with what's going on, whether it be slave labor or slave wages, income inequality, politics, etc, etc. We are not as tolerant. We demand change and action. We are looking to improve our situations and we can in ways that perhaps the others (developing world) are not looking to do or simply cannot. We have ideal images that at times may not be very realistic at all. Good intentions but not always good when implemented. Anyway, these were my thoughts and observations about what you wrote. The human world is far from perfect in how we treat each other. Animals too. I've seen some pretty ugly things in Asia with regards to how dogs were treated in a place like Thailand. Once I was getting some dinner at a food vendor on a Bangkok street and I was walking home alone and there were a group of street dogs in front of me standing there. They were harmless but the animal population (strays) is as overwhelming there as the sheer number of humans are. Anyway, a local guy in a pickup truck had taken off from the market place. One of the dogs, in the street had no hair, some sort of disease. She was old and looked shriveled but was fine until the guy hit her. The driver saw the dog but bumped into her at about 15 miles an hour and it caused some sort of a hemorrhage on the poor dog's neck and blood came spewing out. She was howling and fell down. I went running over with several dogs to her and we surrounded her observing. She went into shock quickly and died. The bastard kept driving off at a slow pace till he made it to the main road. No one else there (human) batted an eyelash. Here I was the only Falang with a pack of dogs that surrounded this poor animal. I went home with my food shortly after that. There was nothing I could do. I thought nothing of it at the time. I ate and that was it , but I kept those images in my mind for 20 years and more recently about six months ago for the first time, I got so choked up after reliving those images about the dog (which I've done periodically over the years) that I started to cry profusely about it for the first time. I'm getting choked up again. I must have been in denial as what I witnessed was awful and it was cruel but I think because I had lived in Thailand for so long, I had adapted the attitude that many adapt there, accepting whatever the circumstances are. And that is my purpose in bringing this incident with that poor dog up (godspeed little one). People react and process things differently in different places. Our standards in the west are not the only standards and what is unacceptable to us may be tolerated by others even if it is awful and for different reasons. Is there a solution to any of the things you've mentioned in what you wrote? Perhaps if we can evolve beyond this economic system that pits us competitively against one another and work towards a common goal, then some of these problems could be eradicated, but that's science fiction at this point in this our human world of the 21st century. That, and curbing the human population. In many of the countries depicted in your writing as well as here in our own, you have people shitting out kids left and right. Born into awful conditions where there is plenty of pain and suffering. Our sheer numbers as a species must be dealt with confronted and controlled as this insatiable appetite we have for material goods contributes to these problems and it will only get worse once the natural environment is factored in and as the human population continues to soar. These problems are not only a result of the west's global culture and material demand. Countries like India and China and the elite in many other countries developing as well contribute to these problems. India and China while still developing in many ways, are far more material and greedy than we are in the US and in Europe too. I've been to both of them. Plenty of observations from there. Blaming one group or country over another is not the solution if one exists. Plenty in the "third world" contribute and perpetuate these problems too. Keep in mind again, I have lived and spent a lot of time in the developing world, even in parts here in the United States that are developing . I presently work in the hood of a large urban area and yes these issues exist even there too (they just come out in different ways), but reaching out to people who have not been direct observers of these experiences or at least know someone who has had direct experience in these areas may limit you on who you're able to reach with this one and who you will not.
  27. 1 point
    Boo Hoo You Broke a nail Lost a contact Got mascara in your eye Can't believe the Stupid traffic Didn't make it home 'til five House is chilly Need a sweater Never liked the colour red How annoying! Stupid smart phone Didn't tell you it was dead Well.. Boo Hoo You Boo Hoo You You got trouble in your bubble? Come and live in mine Grab the thingy Spark the TV Why's it take so long to boot? Such a bother Flipping channels Far too many are just news Boo Hoo You Boo Hoo You You got trouble in your bubble? Come and live in mine {br} You didn't stop on channel 4 Still don't know about the war Didn't see our bodies splayed to.. Delegitimize your claims No need to fuss your pretty head Over pictures of our dead Boo Hoo You Boo Hoo You You got trouble in your bubble? Come, and die, in mine You got trouble in your bubble? Come, and die, in mine
  28. 1 point
    Is 'Delegitimize' a real word? I'm not fond of the last 2 lines in the bridge, think this should be a little more 'in your face'. Musically, I think this could be one of your piano songs, with an upbeat sound to it - until the bridge, that is.
  29. 1 point
    Hi Paul, I like this a lot. Who is the speaker addressing? What is the relationship? It's obviously being spoken to a woman, but who is this woman? The speaker has disdain for her, but why? Maybe you find these points irrelevant to this piece. The piece is fairly simple and short. I think that you have plenty of room to insert some details. IMHO. Cheers, Jim
  30. 1 point
    Hi Cindy, First off, I always appreciate clever lines, and different approaches. I liked your very first line. What a way to start. That’s good. The rockbottom has a basement is also good. Maybe it’s just me but some of the rest seemed worn out or overused to describe him. I wish you could come up with a couple more fresh ways of saying what it is you don’t like about him. What I noticed with the verses is that there didn’t seem to be any cadence that established itself in the verses. What I mean is that you couldn’t just interchange a series of words or lines from one verse to the next and feel the same rhythmic pattern to them. Each verse seems to have a unique cadence and so I wonder how you establish a melody or music. I like the peanut butter / empty jar suggestion to beef up the chorus. Mike also makes a good point about moving toward a conclusion. I think the bridge is excellent. I’d like to conclude with just a little encouragement by saying “we shall overcomb”
  31. 1 point
    Hi C Lyrics were nice. Melody abit too boring for my taste, perhaps too long, but the recording and feel etc did what it had to do. Love the pix of the red head, Im sucker for them.lol cheers R-N-R Jim
  32. 1 point
    Alright!!!! Big improvement. Yes, keep going with this. I just love it.
  33. 1 point
    Very nice song Cindy. Sam has a nice voice and the guitar picking is good. Thought the lyrics were a bit common - but I guess that's what you expect in a love song Paul
  34. 1 point
    I almost always love dark lyrics and songs. Since I love Halloween too, this is right up my alley. I think the pre chorus is the best part, but all of it flows well.
  35. 1 point
    ELO Vibes immediately .... AWESOME. Very cool tune...love your upfront vocal. Very well produced too...cool tune!
  36. 1 point
    This is an older song. It's vulnerable, which is different for me. I realize it expresses emotions very few people would relate to. Any feedback is appreciated. I am wondering what goes through your head listening or reading the lyrics even if you don't relate, so feel free to share. Do you think it's overly emotional? Do you think it is a good song? Lyrically & Musically? What can make it good/better? What works well? Do certain lines stand out in a good way? Do certain parts stand out in a good way (to your ears)? What doesn't work? Any suggestions to fix it? It has a weird structure. To a listener, is that bad or does it work? Soundcloud Link: Youtube Link: Lyrics I know I'm nothing to you I know I don't deserve your help but when I stand in front of you it's the only time I don't feel hell I don't deserve your concern but if you saw the blades in my veins the cries I hold in the only dream where I win if you saw the blades in my veins would you offer to help? if you saw the knives in my heart that rip my soul apart they only go deeper and the climb grows steeper if you saw the knives in my heart would you think it's fair? would you even care? and would you offer to help? if you saw the hatred that's burning my mind red if you saw the holes all around my soul if you saw the hatred would you think it's fair? would you even care? and would you offer to help? you see I only exist when you speak to me though I clenched my fists and fought hart to be free but the light passes through as if there is nothing there though a knife goes right into this ghostly body of air will you change my end? and lend me your hand? do you think it's fair? do you even care? and will you offer to help?
  37. 1 point
    This is an excellent write. I like it a lot. Will anyone today want to sing it?(and I don't necessarily mean commercially). Probably not but that doesn't take away from what's written. So! You've presented a puzzle piece that really doesn't need dissection in my thoughts. What is written references the Gettysburg Address and things Abraham Lincoln said. In a nutshell, the references are historical and the perspective in the write basically questions whether (the people of the United States today) are living up to the basic ideals that the country stood for at one point in its foundation and early history. The perspective is questioning and somewhat lamenting the loss of what were the ideals the country once stood for that perhaps are no longer being pursued today. Not sure what you're looking for in the way of feedback. That's my take on a write with a thought provoking message. It leaves me to ponder something I think about often. Where are we going? Have we lost ourselves?
  38. 1 point
    Grizzled country flavoured song with a sad depressing lilt..Dig the little change on "bow my HAIR'..Not keen on the main chorus as it sounds a bit forced
  39. 1 point
    Nice song - I like your voice in this and you've represented the song nicely here. Only nits I have are the piano should be in the centre - not panned hard right, and it is 1 min too long for my attention span. More please Paul
  40. 1 point
    Hey Paul, I think that the mix sounds really good. But as you know, take that with a grain of salt as I suck like an Electrolux at mixing! My only nitpick would be that here and there the vocals drift ever so slightly into the background - but only ... ever so slightly. It is well done as usual. Being a guitarist primarily I love the delicious irony of the guitar solo that comes in around 1:50 in a tune called Hello Piano Cheers, Pete
  41. 1 point
    Hi Paul, I have a feeling you’re already getting the music down on this. Shallow it might be but it made me scratch my head a few times. Simple and clever are a nice combo. I enjoyed it. I think you did also!
  42. 1 point
    Haha! Good one Paul! No need for changes here. Just need that funky music! =Bob=
  43. 1 point
    I agree with what some of the people commented, but on the other hand none of it bothered me. I like your singing and you sound like a real musician to me.
  44. 1 point
    I like the sentiment & I hear the chorus as a mantra to see one through the tough times in life. Thematically, some of the sentiment is reminiscent to me of the vibe of 'Touch of Grey' by the Dead: I know the rent is in arrears, the dog has not been fed in yearsIt's even worse than it appears, but it's alrightCow is giving kerosene, kid can't read at seventeenThe words he knows are all obscene, but it's alright When life throws its curve-balls and hardships we have to find a way to overcome them, in your case, through laughter. Maybe just me, but I think the verses need a few tweaks to bring home this POV. In V1 the word 'strategy' seems a little cold & calculating to address matters of the heart, especially when the chorus's answer is to learn to laugh in the face of adversity? Maybe something like: I’ve been lookin’ around and from what I see keeping a marriage together ain't so easy for better or for worse there has to be A way to see it through So I asked my Daddy what we oughta do V2 did't seem to add much to the narrative IMO. I think you should get to your 'examples' here as you did in V3. Maybe work to a hardship and a way to overcome? For example, someone gets laid off and couple can drink cheap red instead of fine Merlot, or Milwaukee's Best instead of Heineken, or dine on burgers/Ramen noodles instead of steak? Or maybe a fire/flood destroys the house and they can have a candle lit dinner in a tent? To use your car thing, maybe she totals the car and they can get by with/fool around in the back seat of - a beater instead of a Benz? I think you can see where I am going with these suggestions, give the couple a problem and show them laughing in the face of adversity and getting by. As always, just my thoughts, use/adapt/ignore as you see fit.
  45. 1 point
    John V, great (or not so great?) minds think alike: I was thinking about this song this morning and had a similar thought. Maybe tweak to be more along the travel log theme like Big River or Promised Land with some landmarks/details from the road along the way. JLK: Please stop me if you think I am overstepping, or messing with your baby, but since you liked my last idea, and extended an invite to Paul C to help edit/rewrite this on his profile page, I figured I'd give this a whirl, ignore/adapt/use as you see fit. IMO first verse is pretty tight, but things get a bit muddled from there (story & rhyme scheme wise). I love John V's idea to chart out the travel course, so maybe tweak to something like: Well I grabbed my guitar And jumped in my car I’m sick an tired Of Texas dive bars Gives a starting point, sets path to Nashville I’m goin’ to Nashville Maybe make a name Before I’m too old For playin’ this game I’m goin’ for broke I don’t care no more I jumped in my car And slammed the door My head told me I got nothin’ to lose But just didn't know a little foreshadowing, he doesn't yet know hardships to come About the Nashville transitory blues This sets the stage for his journey, with adventures along the way, keeping the 'music dream' theme. Possible topics for future verses: passing Baton Rogue/New Orleans as a landmark; your flat tire, but instead of broken jack, no wrench, so he uses his capo to turn the nuts; engine breaks down, so he plays roadside bar to raise $ for repairs; picks up an old hitchhiker whose a failed musician from Nashville; background set up listening to Hank Williams/Willie Nelson on radio during drive; and of course a femme fatale along the way. I'm working from a vibe like 'Hot Rod Lincoln' - Commander Cody, not necessarily spoken type verses, but the music feel and the slow/stop thing for the 'Nashville Transitory Blues' line he uses at end on the 'Hot Rod Lincoln' line. Again, forgive me if I am overstepping, but since you left the door open a crack, I decided to step in. If you wanted anymore input to flesh out some of these ideas, let me know, or run with the idea yourself, or just completely ignore if you see fit. Just hoping any of this might be helpful to you in some way.
  46. 1 point
    Hey - vulgar as shit - but if flows well - good rhyming and well structured. I'm not a fan of misogynistic words like "whore" though - if you replaced it with "girl" it could still have its nasty edge without denigrating women (just the one in the song who maybe deserves it ) Would like to see sth more conventional from you - you got the chops IMHCO. Paul
  47. 1 point
    Couldn't help but chuckle at this one. Not sure if that was your intention or not and I hope that the likes of Emily and some of the other girls on here have a sense of humour about it. I can sense you getting a bit of the old hairdryer treatment of somebody. Anyway back to the lyrics, well, I don't think I need to bother with a critique, it is what it is. Vulgar and written in 15 minutes (Although not sure why it took you that long really). Having said that I'm sure it's a tongue in cheek piss take so fairplay to you. Made me smile
  48. 1 point
    Sorry John, I think I might be sharing Peko's POV and missing the point on this one. Maybe it's just my inner 'slave to order', but I am having a hard time relating as I cannot find a structure to this piece. Am I looking at three verses? or is there a bridge or chorus in there for some differentiation? To my eye/ear, the first stanza is ABCD, (no rhyme), second stanza ABCB, (OK rhyme scheme established) while third goes to AABC (different rhyme scheme?). Forgive me if you have a melody/cadence or musical device that alleviates this apparent discord, but I am finding it disorientating in reading the piece. Maybe this is a draft or an incomplete thought? As to the imagery, I do like the this line a bunch: Maybe it's just my preference for structure that is clouding my appreciation of this piece. As always, just my thoughts, use/ignore/adapt as you see fit.
  49. 1 point
    The title is outstanding! I started humming a melody (that came into my head!) just because of it...LOL. Just a fun tune all around! You are on a roll my friend!
  50. 1 point
    I'm totally confused by this lyric. I'm having a very hard time imagining it actually being performed. I don't really know how to critique it. I don't think I have the skill or talent to offer a suggestion.
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