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  2. Collaboration Contest Instructions and Discussion

    I do see flaws in the SOTY approach, though it does have the benefit of being very simple. The main flaw, as I see it (and I'd be interested in knowing whether there are others) is that it provides less individual feedback to each song. It simply separates out the winners and, in the Song of the Year, that (to me) feels appropriate. However, I also think that most people would like to get some information on the spread of people's reactions - did most people put me in the middle of the pack or did I split opinion with some people loving my song while others thought it was bad? I'd like to encourage people to provide additional feedback (in the scoring thread that I'll open later) on each song - even a simple one-liner. I can't enforce that, but I do think many people will provide it. But that doesn't address the scoring. So, what am I thinking of doing? Well, this: Imagine you have 4 buckets. You need to put one song in the first bucket (this is for your overall winner). You need to distribute the remaining songs in each of the remaining buckets. One bucket is for your next 3 songs (not the winner but in the top 4). One bucket is for your middle 5. Everything else goes into the bottom 5. Your winner will receive 4 points. The next 3 songs will receive 3 points each. The middle 5 will get 2 points. The bottom 5 will get one point. If anyone fails to vote, their team will lose 3 points. This is to mitigate against any advantage gained by not scoring (deliberately or not). When I report the scores, each team will be able to see: Their total score and position The number of votes they received for each bucket (winner, top 5, middle 5, bottom 5) Any deduction they received (hopefully none) I think this system will be easy to score and easy to administer, while providing useful quantitative feedback to each team. Qualititative feedback will have to come from comments provided in the thread. But let's discuss it, by all means!
  3. Watching

    You didn't warn us we might need Kleenex, Donna! This is one of the most personal lyrics of yours I've had the pleasure to read. It's very poignant but definitely not mawkish -- your deft touch is at play here. Some beautiful writing -- "a big forever sky" and "scrambling for sunlight" are just two examples. Wonderful. --Doug
  4. Today
  5. Watching

    Weird how a thought/image springs to mind out of nowhere, and where it takes you. I hadn’t even been thinking about my childhood… FYI, the rhythm in each first line is: da da da da da da da-da A very quick, spontaneous write this morning. It needs a bridge after V2, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, definitely a first draft. Your constructive critique is welcome. Donna Watching V1 Watching dad sit by the window Where he’d stare across the lake Dreaming of the prairies And the trains he used to take The forest couldn’t hold him And the mountains were too high He needed room to move in And a big forever sky V2 Watching mom sit at the table Reading tea leaves in her cup Dreaming of the promises And things she’d given up Her husband couldn’t hold her But she never said goodbye [She] Only drifted deeper Into living out their lie V3 Watching how we lonely children Sprang like weeds around their feet Scrambling for sunlight Full of needs they couldn’t meet Our parents never saved us Though we didn’t know that then And if we could repeat it all We’d love them both again © 2018 Donna Devine
  6. If I Should Meet the Devil

    Hi Donna, I thought the guy needed more attitude. I hope you don't mind. If nothing else my edits might give you a laugh. I gave it a little more vernacular too. Use or lose. You know how I love blues.
  7. Well done Donna. I read that same book a while ago and it was fascinating history. I only was notified (by 23andme.com) this weekend that I have relatives in Oz and N.Z. Those early settlers had it about as rough as it gets but they ended up building a great country!
  8. (Don't Leave Me) Liv

    Liv V1 Got to double down in life digging in times when it gets hard It might be old and overgrown in parts but baby it's your yard What you doing with, what we doing with, doing with your yard? V2 There are no couple without troubles we both know that's a fact Had some issues and kerfuffles but neither turned our back No you didn't turn, I didn't turn, we didn't turn our backs So don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me now, you've packed Slow change A Didn't we say we were both in this all the way Give it time, stay right here Don't you go, don't you go and make this mistake V3 We know that anything worth keeping is worth working towards Its just another down and out so let's not use the door Don't you leave me Liv, don't leave me Liv, don't leave me like before Slow change B Didn't we say we were both in this all the way Give it time, stay right here If you go, if you go, it's all been in vain
  9. Begin at the end

    I like the ambiguity of the hook Great stuff! Love the first verse. Love the second verse. Love the third verse. Felt the fourth verse was still good, but not as fresh as the others. I think this is one of the best lyrics I've ever read of yours. Or should I say, This one is my favourite so far. Fantastic write
  10. If I Should Meet the Devil

    My initial response to this lyric was speechlessness! Then some slight utterances of not being worthy . But I did find one nit that probably only bothers 'me' in this much discussed line... I think inhumane is a perfect fit. It is the 'so' that bothers me. Kind of like being 'a bit pregnant.' Apart from that, in my book this lyric ticks every box for a great lyric that ever was. Brilliant work, DonnaMarilyn!
  11. If anyone doesn't want to be here

    Hi Joe, I could really hear the flow in your Choruses, Bridge and Coda , but I personally couldn't find a rhythm I could stick to, in the verses. But I'm no muso either so don't let me stop you ! This lyric takes me back to where I haven't been in a long time, love the oranges reference . Nice write.
  12. Seeking pro level composer to create music for these lyrics. If this is you...you should be able to pick up on the melody easily as you read the lyrics. Completed song will be copyright myself and the selected composer equally. I will contribute the vocal tracks. If interested reply through private message and I will be happy to answer any questions or concerns. Looking forward to hearing from you! "Brunette in My Bed" I woke up this mornin' with a brunette in my bed And an unfamiliar ring on my left hand But all I can remember is a night out with my friends Down at the water hole to see the local band I needed time to think I needed time to clear my head So I kindly told the girl she had to go But as she left she turned around, and then she said to me Before I leave I think there's something you should know [Chorus] She said You told me that you loved me after meetin' at the bar Then took me home and we got married the next day You drank too much and then passed out While on our honeymoon And I've been tryin' to wake you up the last two days I couldn't process all the things that she had said So I told her just to come back in and prayed Then I saw the ring that I had placed upon her hand That my dear momma left me when she passed away I stayed in shock for another hour or two In a daze not knowin' what to say or do But then I finally settled down and took it all in stride And called my family up to tell them all the news [Chorus 2] I didn't mean to drink away my loneliness I wasn't lookin' for a nuptial surprise But guess I'll make the best of it and treat her like a queen And maybe she'll cook me some supper every night My family they all gathered up and drove the roads all night They couldn't wait to come and meet my brand new bride And when they got here they were stunned By the beauty they beheld They were so happy for me they began to cry They started askin' questions 'bout the way that we had met Then they asked if we had dated very long We quickly changed the subject, then we fired up my gas grill And just kept feedin' them until they all went home [Repeat Chorus 2] Lyrics Copyright © 2017 Daniel Lee Williams
  13. Your Counterfeit Heart

    Paul, Thanks. I have to admit that I don't know what you mean about the time signature issue. Can you elaborate? Thanks, Patty
  14. Critique Form

    I have to come in here too and vote for it Because I myself don't like hurting person's feeling and sometimes to give feedback I sometimes just don't know where to start.
  15. Awards

    I am so sorry My friend for this, meaning I posted the wrong song. So I had to change the title and make mention of it to you. (I also had to take down the lyric since it was for my other song with the other title). Please forgive me. But I still want to say thank you very much for giving your thoughts. Irwin
  16. Gig stories

    I was somewhat friendly with the cop as I hung out with his daughter from time to time. He pulled me over another time and told me to put both my hands out the window while he reached down and put his hand on his gun. He then laughed a bit and said my tail light was out and I should get it fixed. He was actually known to be a tad crazy.
  17. A Thousand Years Ago

    I thought this was [is] an incredible lyric - it absolutely spoke to me. It set to music very quickly - in 3/4 time.
  18. Your Counterfeit Heart

    Hi Patty I gave this one a good score - it's a great hook and you stay true to it. I love the "Counterfeit Heart" sandwich you make for the chorus - the hook is in two power positions - excellent! The only nit I have is that the chorus seems like it matches 3/4 time but the verses don't. So if this were to be set to music, one of them will have to be changed (not that you can't have two time signatures in a song - it's just that the lyric would have to support that change. Good job - it would have done better in the contest if I had my way Paul
  19. Collaboration Contest Instructions and Discussion

    Hi Allistair, and everyone, as well................... "Stage 4 - Scoring Scoring will be kept very simple. The sole scoring criterion will be the quality of the song. We won't score separately for lyrics and music or "how well the challenge was met". I don't want this to become a straitjacket. I want you to be able to take your collaboration in whatever direction the needs of the song take you. Each contributor will need to vote (or there will be a small scoring penalty for non-voters). For the curious, I expect the scoring method to be very similar to the one used in the 2017 Song of the Year contests." I think that method of picking is a rather generic way to choose the winners. This style is pretty flawed....I could elaborate, but would rather have my points brought out in a discussion. I think the 1 thru 10 scoring method is much more finely tuned and much more informative. What say you??...................... -Tom
  20. If I Should Meet the Devil

    I love the blues and have been listening to it since I was a child. For me blues lyrics involves making it vernacular, as if you are talking to someone and it usually involves economizing words. I think you've done that mostly, but I suggested a few tweaks. IMHO, with a few exceptions,it is best done in the old african american vernacular, which is how I've suggested some edits. But that might not be what you are going for, which is fine.
  21. If I Should Meet the Devil

    "Inhumane" doesn't bother me. Hey, It's not cliché!! But sounds like I might be in the minortity. And I'm very sorry, but. You just can't use a long "a" for "again" in a blues song! (At least not for most performers.) The last line of the stanza (with "rain") is kind of weird anyway. The inhumane individual with a mean streak is going to stand you out in the rain? That's a bizarre sort of sadism! Also -- probably replace "showing" with "forming". In general, I really like it! You're a blues sensation!
  22. Your Counterfeit Heart

    Hey Peko, One suggestion: Look at the title. Plastic Heart might give this the cheap feel I thought you were going for.
  23. If I Should Meet the Devil

    Mick and Joe, thank you for having a look and for commenting. I agree about 'inhumane'. It's basically a placeholder till I find something better. In a standard blues format, it's usual for lines 1&2 to end on the same word, and for line 3 to end with a rhyming word. (I agree as well, though, that the long 'a' rhymes need variety.) The word 'again' would be pronounced here with a long 'a' so that it rhymes with 'pain' rather than with 'when' or 'then'. (Canadians get to pronounce the word both ways. )
  24. Yesterday
  25. Short-Changed

    Thanks, Paul, I really appreciate your taking a look at this one. I was hoping you would, and that you would fix that whole Hook issue for me. But no, you’re making me write my own song! 😀. And I don’t think you sound harsh at all. I really want honest feedback. i know the title/hook it isn’t right yet, but I’m waiting for inspiration on how to fix it. And meanwhile, I’m revising it like mad, so maybe in that process, some magic will happen. Regarding the first line, I know what you mean about the statement of fact aspect. I liked the internal rhymes and focused on those and hoped they would carry the load. I’m not sure what I will do there, but I have a lot of revisions so far in the rest of the lyric and I will post those soon. Thank you! You know how some lyrics write themselves and others fight you on every word? (No, maybe you don’t!😀). This one is very argumentative! Patty
  26. Your Counterfeit Heart

    Thanks, Jim, I appreciate your taking a look. It’s very helpful to know the things you liked as well as the things you didn’t. This lyric is still in revision, so I will have an opportunity to address those concerns. I think you make some good points. Thanks, Patty
  27. Hi, any comments welcome. Not sure if the references will be understood by all here. (v 1) The half time whistle has just gone And the juniors on the losing side Gather round to hear the dads team talk Waving their arms to angry words in a tribute act to the special one They throw out oranges with a bitter taste (Chorus) They tell them If anyone doesn't want to be here You can go home now If anyone doesn't want to be here Go take an early bow (v 2) The full time whistle has called time On this senior in the juniors shirt Still he can recall the dads back then Returning smiles to losing faces With a friendly arm and inspiring words They made us feel more than five feet tall (Chorus) They told us If anyone doesn't want to be here You can tell us now If anyone doesn't want to be here We'll help you through somehow (Bridge) But that was then Helping the children learn and grow And this is now Trophies and pictures up for show (Chorus) They tell them If anyone doesn't want to be here You can go home now If anyone doesn't want to be here Go take an early bow (Coda) I think I'll go home now It's time to take an early bow
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