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  1. Today
  2. Traveler

    My comments have been limited to grammatical issues per request
  3. LOVE Moans

    Thank you very much.
  4. Pandora's Box Is Empty

    Judge a man by his clothes, how were you born? (nude) Christ the King he knows a crown made of thorns - Sprinkles of religion Fascists in business suits promoting lies - Corporate fascists Press the tragic button everyone dies - Nuclear Pandora’s Box is empty - The ills of the world have been unleashed. Let's all puke!!! Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free - Pandora’s Box is empty War is declared I got scared full of fright - Shifts to war all of sudden Anger surged inside what gives you the right - What gives you the right to what? Across the globe a world away they say The evil infidel, we’ll make them pay - Maybe a comma between infidel and we'll or we will make this clearer if I understood this to mean the fanatics will make what they believe or view as hedonists pay. Pay for what? Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty Fracking in the Earth water is destroyed - Fracking? Now a process of drilling to release gas. Environmental. Businessman makes money he’s overjoyed Who cares about the future I got mine - Now it's 1st person. What's the point of view's future? This hell hole was once Eden divine - I strongly disagree here. The earth is a beautiful place regardless of human activity. This "human hell hole" is much more fitting in my thoughts. Don't worry the earth will get rid of the mites and cleanse herself when she's had enough. Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty There’s a golden chest - Where did this come from? Treasure is the best Gold, silver, Mammon - Initial reaction.....What is this? ......... Material wealth. Endless war and famine Hatred, greed, strife All the pains of life Children singing praise to the god of lust - I interpret this to mean the little fuckers today worship their phones, tablets and crave more, more & more and are never satisfied. Bow before the priest give man all you trust If my interpretation of the above line is incorrect then it relates to this line with trusting in religious authority who probably sexually abuse the children in the top line here, but it could be interpreted either way I think. Stalin, Hitler demagogues of pain In the institutions find the sane - Mental or educational institutions? Aren't they both kind of insane these days? or is this sarcastic? Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty Wow, lots of meat on the plate of this one. I think maybe too much, but I do like it. There is potential here but the point of view is all over the place with gloom and doom. Too many ills, man and it's rather preachy. OK, so the world we live in today is quite chaotic, I get that, but then......where are we going or where is it going, meaning the state of things? Will it continue to spiral out of control into further chaos? Is that the message? You leave this with the audience dumped off the side of the cliff. According to this all hope is gone and it's not. One of the more interesting pieces of poetry I've read around here lately. Good luck!
  5. Yesterday
  6. A Little Braver

    Hey Paul. Looking over some of the comments so far, I see some good points made. But I'd keep this simple for the music I'm expecting as I read (classic country?), and your delivery I'm familiar with. But you might punch it up here and there. As far as too preachy goes...I don't think it is. Here are just some more ideas to kick around. Don't know if I can be of much help to someone so accomplished who has been my mentor since I joined the forum. But I'll stick my neck out anyway. {intro} I get a little braver every time I put my reputation on the line...Nice, using the hook as an intro. Very effective. {vs} It was a rainy day in my youth Makin' my way home from school When the bully of my class..............you know what I mean, the proverbial class bully Jumped right out into my path.........just another phrasing possibility He said "Before you go this way" "There's a toll you have to pay!"..........I think this is simpler and stronger I was shakin' from head to toe...........another way to say it....maybe this is the usual way it is said And prayin' that it wouldn't show I gathered all the strength I could find And looked that coward straight in the eye..........IMO bullies are really a breed of coward. Anyway, maybe thinking of him as a coward would help build your courage. Drew back my fist, got ready to fight But he ran away - much to my delight!............... {pre} It was a lesson I'd carry thru life...............or something along these lines.....since you have already learned the lesson by this point in the song {ch} I get a little braver every time I put my reputation on the line Think I'm gonna waver but I do just fine And get a little braver every time............eliminating some the I's might make it flow better I was climbin' up the corporate rungs Had a boss who was a virtual thug Fond of using racial slurs Called him on it and he showed me the door........think I like this wording better, for what it's worth But I'd do it again just like before.. ...............another way to say it, dunno which is better until I hear it sung Because.. Ch So if you've got a mountain to scale................I prefer "if". Don't ask me why. And you're thinkin' you're just too frail.............."."fragile" and "frail" are awfully close in meaning. This seems cleaner and stronger to me. Put your worries and fears aside....................I prefer "aside" And recite this little rhyme in your mind............."this" seems more forceful than "my"...it's not just you're rhyme. It's a song, so it's everyone's rhyme at this point. (I'll sing it to you one more time..) You get a little braver every time You put your reputation on the line You'll think you're gonna waver but you'll do just fine And you'll get a little braver every time...................small correction, cus you've got it this way (you'll) in the last line of the song You'll think you're gonna waver But YOU'LL DO JUST FINE!! And you'll get a little braver every time Paul, I hope you find something here helpful. I think this is a solid theme with a moral to it.....good for country. Nice write as usual. Joey PS: Just a thought. Maybe a five word title would be even more fetching: A Little Braver Every Time
  7. Help Me Think of a Title?

    Very nice, especially for a first lyric posted on the site. For the title, I would go with 'Come back' or 'Come back home'. The words 'come back home' at the end of the first two verses really stood out for me and then you've got the fact that the Gaelic intro also means Come back. If you were to go with that as the title, then one thing I'd consider is whether verse 3 should be consistent by also including that as a refrain at the end of the verse?
  8. Pandora's Box Is Empty

    Pandora’s Box Judge a man by his clothes, how were you born Christ the King he knows a crown made of thorns Fascists in business suits promoting lies Press the tragic button everyone dies Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty War is declared I got scared full of fright Anger surged inside what gives you the right Across the globe a world away they say The evil infidel we’ll make them pay Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty Fracking in the Earth water is destroyed Businessman makes money he’s overjoyed Who cares about the future I got mine This hell hole was once Eden divine Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty There’s a golden chest Treasure is the best Gold, silver, Mammon Endless war and famine Hatred, greed, strife All the pains of life Children singing praise to the god of lust Bow before the priest give man all you trust Stalin, Hitler demagogues of pain In the institutions find the sane Pandora’s Box is empty Do you have eyes to see Pandora’s Box is empty Slaves in the Land of the Free Pandora’s Box is empty http://johnkaniecki.weebly.com/
  9. The Shape of You

    Octagons have too many sides- That's a great line. It would be heard to fit but how about "Parallelograms are sometimes square" Or how about "I'm on a straight line right to you" "Every time I leave I circle back to you" Reminds me of high school geometry which I enjoyed.
  10. Help Me Think of a Title?

    I would call it maybe "A song for my lover" Also in verse 3 I like the wind as your lover. The end is nice as well. As long as we have our dear ones in our mind we are not alone.
  11. A Little Braver

    Hi I think this flows really well. I'm not sure though about the balance of 3 verses for 1 subject and just 1 for the other. For me, the one about the boss doesn't ring true. The scenario sounds a little unlikely for me in today's world, where companies have to show so much compliance. You ask the question about it being preachy, well for me this verse sounds a little like looking for "brownie points" with the racial slur thing. Maybe the listener would need to know what the slur was to judge whether that was worth losing a job over? Now, if he lost his job through redundancy and then went on to start a new business, career etc.
  12. Perfect! You've got everything working together....lyrics, dynamics, composition, arrangement and your super fine vocal delivery. Great theme with allot of nice imagery....love the way it all fits together to paint a picture. Interesting that you named it the first line in the song instead of Never Be The One You Love......nothing wrong with that IMHO. Above all, I think it's a wonderful composition. Joey
  13. Maybe the next time

    Hi I think this is well written and I like the specifics. The only thing is the question "Will it portray the singer in a positive light". 2 wrongs make a right?
  14. Traveler

    Hi This is quite good, if English is not your first language. I think music allowing, the Chorus maybe a little more concise. One suggestion, "Learned so much from every love I've had".
  15. I think people are trying to offer feedback rather than find new music - this is a community of songwriters, after all, and that's how this place works. If you want greater involvement, maybe listen to some other people's work and offer your own critiques? Of course, if you simply wanted to showcase the song, that's fine too - but maybe post in Artist's Cafe next time?
  16. Simply awesome. i love the dinamics. Voice harmony. everything..
  17. Traveler

    I left To find a part of me I thought I’d lost. I learned How beautiful, yet cruel, is this world. - Not grammatically correct or at the least sounds awkward. Makes sense to say.............. How beautiful, yet cruel this world is Now I wanna come back into your loving arms, back to you. I can’t Afford to waste another minute, no. I gotta go back To the only place I can call home. To where I find my peace, where there’s only me and you. [PRE-CHORUS] I know it’s easy to get lost, But your bright stars will lead me to you. And I’ll go through anything, through everything, to make you see that I’ll remain by your side. [CHORUS] I want your sun to shine down on me, I Want your cool breeze to blow my hair, and I Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait to travel every corner of your body. I want to watch your seasons go by, Dive in your ocean, fly above your sky. All that I ask from you is for you to wait for me, baby, baby. ‘Cause you were that missing part I was looking for, all along If you let me into your heart I promise there will be no more goodbyes. I have Learned so much from every life I lived - So, this is not the point of view's first life? He or she has been here before? Is that what you're trying to say? Learned from personal experience makes more sense as I think that's what you're trying to say. If not that, then something like it. You are The one I want to share these lessons with And after all I’ve seen, the only thing I missed was you. Consider finding a new title. Traveler doesn't represent the lyric. The point of view wants to travel his or her love interest's body read one line in the chorus, but this clearly is not just a physical thing. You could shift the first line in the chorus to....."I want you to shine on me replacing "your sun" with "you" and the title could then be......I Want You, which of course could have multiple meanings, physically as well as spiritually. Up to you, however. Periods are not necessary after each line . Outside of the title, I only commented on the grammar since you already have this set to music . Share the finished piece with us when you have the chance. Welcome to the site.
  18. Traveler

    Hello! this is my first post on this forum. I hope you guys can give me some feedback since my first language is not English and I really want the songs that I'm writing not to be grammatically incorrect and sound stupid because of that. The song I'm posting today already has music, so the how the lyrics are written might be confusing but I did it that way so they would go well with the music. Enjoy (: I left To find a part of me I thought I’d lost. I learned How beautiful, yet cruel, is this world. Now I wanna come back into your loving arms, back to you. I can’t Afford to waste another minute, no. I gotta go back To the only place I can call home. To where I find my peace, where there’s only me and you. [PRE-CHORUS] I know it’s easy to get lost, But your bright stars will lead me to you. And I’ll go through anything, through everything, to make you see that I’ll remain by your side. [CHORUS] I want your sun to shine down on me, I Want your cool breeze to blow my hair, and I Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait to travel every corner of your body. I want to watch your seasons go by, Dive in your ocean, fly above your sky. All that I ask from you is for you to wait for me, baby, baby. ‘Cause you were that missing part I was looking for, all along If you let me into your heart I promise there will be no more goodbyes. I have Learned so much from every life I lived You are The one I want to share these lessons with And after all I’ve seen, the only thing I missed was you. I can’t Afford to waste another minute, no. I gotta go back To the only place I can call home. To where I find my peace, where there’s only me and you. [PRE-CHORUS] [CHORUS] I want your sun to shine down on me, I Want your cool breeze to blow my hair, and I Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait to travel every corner of your body. I want to watch your seasons go by, Dive in your ocean, fly above your sky. All that I ask from you is for you to wait for me, baby, baby. Trust me, I’ll go through anything, through everything, and you will see that you belong by my side. *GUITAR SOLO* [CHORUS] I want your sun to shine down on me, I Want your cool breeze to blow my hair, and I Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait to travel every corner of your body. I want to watch your seasons go by, Dive in your ocean, fly above your sky. All that I ask from you is for you to wait for me, baby, baby. ‘Cause you were that missing part I was looking for, all along If you let me into your heart There will be no more goodbyes And no more running away I finally found my place In the universe, and here I will stay.
  19. Thank you very much, I am glad you like what I am doing. Please go check out my other music if you're interested and become a unique listener as well. http://www.reverbnation.com/jpumpmusic Also tell all your friends about me if you can, I am trying to start a movement with my music but it is hard to do when I work 6 days a week on top of the music in every aspect. Thank you for your honest opinion and thank you from the moon and back THANKS :-) J.PUMP
  20. You Make It Easy To Be Sweet

    My July 2017 song is "You Make It Easy To Be Sweet" https://www.reverbnation.com/silverbeat/song/28413976-you-make-it-easy-to-be-sweet Cheers, Terry I have completed every thing from start to finish. You make it easy to be sweet I wanna tell your wonderful You mean the world to me So incredibly beautiful In every way I know and see I think about you all the time When ever I'm away I need you like a poat needs a rhyme Like a flower needs a summer day Chorus You make it easy to be sweet So very easy to be sweet I wanna tell you it's lavishing All you give to me So amazingly ravishing In every way that one can be Repeat Chorus Yeah you make me wanna be a better man Yeah in every way that I can https://www.reverbnation.com/silverbeat/song/28413976-you-make-it-easy-to-be-sweet
  21. I'm Just A Poor Boy

    I was born in a poor man's homeFrom a poor man's lifeWith a poor mans wifeI was born a poor American ChildNever had much, or any thing niceEach day I woke, I paid the priceYeah - Being poor was seen as trouble and wild Chorus I'm just a poor boySearching for a wayTo find Truth and meaningAnd live another dayI'm just a poor boyThat's putting up a fightAs long as I'm breathingI will be doing alright [ I was on the wrong road of lifeThe wrong road to knowThe right way to goI shared a web with unscrupulous liarsLiving on hope, and searching for truthCaught in a lie, most of my youth Yeah nothing seemed to gain my needed desire Repeat chorus There's no stopping I'm not giving inThere's plenty to life and ways to win. Repeat chorus
  22. Holy moly, this is amazing!! Please post lyrics, the flow is on point and the sung part in 'Inside This Place' is sensual Eargasms all round, well done
  23. August Lyrics Competition

    After All These Years Verse 1: Sometimes just by standing still you end up left behind the world it keeps on spinning part of the grand design A diamond lasts forever but we live day by day what used to be a rainbow now's only shades of grey Pre-Chorus: Hear the bells of freedom calling out your name once you turn that corner it will never be the same Chorus: Run, baby run head out on that highway into the setting sun Let the gentle wind wipe away your tears I still love you after all these years Oh yeah, I still love you after all these years Verse 2: You used to look into me feel the beating of my heart and count down every second when life kept us apart Now the hands that joined us are barely hanging on the dance is almost over they're playing one last song Pre-Chorus: I want to see you happy to smile once again just try to think about me every now and then Chorus Run, baby run head out on that highway into the setting sun Let the gentle wind wipe away your tears I still love you after all these years Oh babe, I still love you Yeah, I still love you I still love you after all these years
  24. Stringin' Her Along

    Hi Margaret.....and welcome aboard. I really appreciate your reviewing my song, and glad you like it. I had allot of fun doing one with such a simple chord pattern. I wondered about writing a lyric that portrays the singer as such a cad, but thought it would be interesting to create an opportunity to have his gal give him a piece of her mind. Joey
  25. Life Wish novella

    Hi folks…I’m a little stymied about what to say but here it is. My novella is now available on Amazon Kindle for 2.99. It’s called “Life Wish” and I think I can recommend it with pride. Over the past few years I’ve been steadily running low on steam as far as enthusiasm for lyrics and poetry. I feel I’ve approached it from every angle conceivable and now it’s time to move on. I got the idea for Life Wish several years ago and originally planned on writing it as a screenplay. I abandoned that and wrote it as a novella. I’m very proud of it, especially since I’m even less drawn to changing my ways at fifty-two than I was when I first hit the internet in Feb. 1999. I’m fairly certain people will be entertained by it, or I wouldn’t have published it on Kindle. Below is a link or you can just do a search for “Life Wish, Robert George “, on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B074Y87FPQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1503187384&sr=1-1&keywords=Life+Wish+Robert+George Here is an excerpt to give readers a sample of its flavor. There is a post on Musesmuse from 2014 in which someone mentioned they preferred my style of writing from when I first came on the internet to the style I developed later on. Anyone else who feels that way should enjoy the book. I hope they, and anyone else who buys it does. I’m grateful to all those who’ve read my stuff for nearly twenty years now, especially those who turned my lyrics in to wonderful songs. At any age, there’s always time for one more life wish. Robert George 8-19-2017 Claire walked to her prowler car, stood and looked around. The Camry. The VW bus. A calico cat staring through the glass door of the office. What could it hurt? Van Zandt’s off for two weeks starting tomorrow. She walked over to the VW and looked at the doors in front of it. She put her ear to a few. Then she walked up the cement stairs. They were stained with fossilized gum, bird shit, dried soda spills, a few shards of glass and cigarette butts. She put her ear to a few more doors, feeling like an Apache brave with his ear to some railroad tracks. Bingo…205. TV…Skinemax from the sound of it. She knocked firmly three times. She heard footsteps and a balding man in his mid-30s answered the door. No chain. Light brown hair that hadn’t been washed in weeks was imprisoned in a pony tail tied with a big rubber band. He wore a wrinkled white t-shirt with a decal on the front. It resembled that famous blurry picture of “Big Foot” strolling through the trees. He had a mole that looked like a melted Hershey’s Kiss on the left side of his upper lip. He spoke with a squeaky, rodent-like voice. “You’re early…aaand you’re dressed like a cop. Dammit, you’re supposed to be dressed in plain clothes, with a trench coat. Plus, you’re supposed to be a redhead. Fuck. Never mind…you’ll do.” He looked out the door, right and left. “Well…get in here.” Claire hesitated a moment. Just go with it. This guy seems harmless. And stupid. She walked in and looked around. A 40 of Schlitz and a bong with a naked girl on the side graced the night stand. Next to it was a baggie with a teaspoon full of white powder. A pack of beer nuts lay on the bed. The TV was blessed with a topless girl sudsing up a Bullit Charger with a big, purple sponge. In the bottom right hand corner of the screen was a PSA that read, “You are watching Wild Things 4 on Cinemax Ultra. Her mind wandered for a second…”You know, the first one wasn’t bad…Kevin Bacon’s bacon was…” His hands snaked around her waist from behind. “What do you say we get down to business, Agent Scully? I’ve got an alien ready to burst out of my pants…” She instantly wedged her hands between his arms and her waist and forced them out, breaking his light grip. She whirled and whipped her baton in one fluid motion, hitting him square across the midriff. He stumbled back, doubled over while holding both hands to his gut. His face was pointed down at the shit-brown carpet. He moaned, let out a hybrid of a burp and a hiccup, then he puked. Foamy gold liquid and beer nut splinters. He gasped for breath, his chest jerking up and down. He burped again and out dropped more splinters. Claire watched him without compassion, gripping the night stick like she was preventing it from whacking him in the head. He straightened up slowly. “Bitch, whadjyoudothatfor?” That stick really wanted to go upside his jaw. “If you wanted to get paid up front, you coulda just said so. I usually pay after.” “I’m a cop, you fucking moron. A real cop.” “A cop? What’re you doin’ here?” He hustled to the window and looked out the curtain. All quiet. He wiped a cobweb on his pants and said, “You alone? What is this?” “I just wanted to ask you a few questions about the other night, dipshit.” “That’s it?” “That’s it.” He caught his breath for a second. She looked around a little more. An iPad on his bed was open to a webpage that said, “Talk of the Town” in tawdry red letters at the top. She looked at his feet. His toenails were more jagged than the glass on the outside stairs. She noticed a wet spot around his zipper. He saw where her eyes were looking and clasped his hands over his zipper. “I-uh-spilled my beer when you knocked.” “Pull yourself together, for Chrissake.” The stain had spread down his pants. He walked over by the bed and stepped in the sick. He wiped his heel on the carpet. “I told that guy the other night that I didn’t see nothin’” “Nothing?” “No. Wait, what…you think I did it??” “I kinda doubt it, Doc Holliday.” He was almost dispirited. “Then what?” “Just a follow up. That’s all. Walk me through it. What’d you see?” “I told you…I didn’t see a thing.” “Fine…what happened.” “I was working on my iPad and I…” “What time was this?” “Like I already told the other guy, sometime around seven.” “Ok, what then?” “I heard a loud bang that sounded like a backfire, maybe louder. I looked out the window and went back to doin’ what I was doin’.” “That’s it? You didn’t see a car driving off?” “NO!” “How long did it take you to get to the window?” “A few seconds.” Bu-u-u-rrrpp… “We’re you shitfaced?” He looked at his feet, then at the TV. She was drying off the hood. She… Claire waved the night stick in his face. “We’re you shitfaced?” “Yeah. So what? I…didn’t…see…nothin’.” He saw Claire looking at the bong and baggie. “Are you gonna bust me?” “Do you have any priors?” “No.” “You’ve never been arrested?” “No, I said.” “Keep it that way, Brainiac. You wouldn’t survive a week in jail. What’re you even doing in town?” Silence. “Well?” “I’m on disability.” “Oh---Kay…” “I—travel around and…report stuff.” “Stuff? To who?” He wiggled his right leg a little. His foot was wet. “Look…just forget it. Good-bye….for now.” She opened the door and saw a dyed red head in a trench coat walking up the stairs. She looked puzzled when she saw Claire. Claire shook her head, smirked and said as she passed her, “I hope you’re gettin’ top dollar for this one, Honey.”
  26. Last week
  27. Ill Begotten Booty

    Yea, that change to V1 makes it sooo much better......"his girl". Amazing what a slight change can do......especially when it clarifies and also adds even more attitude as this does. Good call!
  28. Thanks David. I made changes to the recording along the lines of your suggestions. I've also done a new, and hopefully better, V2 and PC2. I really appreciate your reviewing and the advice you gave me. Joey
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