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  1. Today
  2. Lyrics

    Thanks Ashfi! I appreciate you taking the time to read and am glad you enjoy my lyrics.
  3. Lyrics

    hi Art, It's amazingly unique, the way you arranged whole ideas... the love relationship with carnival stuffs. "I was number two" line will be connected with mass number of listeners. I think it's a cleaver choice. My personal opinion, up tempo suffle beat rock n roll (little bit funk) style is perfect for it. Ashfi ------------
  4. Slow Down (Sever the ties)

    Not overly in love with the first verse... VERSE Looks like I was barely breathing Felt like I was barely breathing ...........or .................(after reading above explanation) It felt like I was out of breath Living life like it had no meaning Needed time to slow things down It doesn't get any slower than barely breathing. (after reading above explanation) If you use the above suggestion or something like it what you have with slow things down could potentially work. Now I see who was right in front of me Who is that? At first, I thought this was the point of view reflecting to himself. (After above explanation) I see it's a girl. Standing still, waiting to set me free Give me a taste of the life I need. (Save me from this life I lead.) I read the explanation provided above on some of the lines in question and I must admit, I would never have guessed that this individual's life was out of control and needed to slow things down based on the wording without reading the explanation. Also, would never have arrived at the love interest (a girl) with regards to the line "Now I see who was right in front of me". I thought the perspective was reflecting on himself. I like the overall message about getting one's act together and or finding oneself and beginning to make a move and change one's life. Theme (which of course is how I see it) is relatable. Why anyone would want to be a member of society is beyond me. As a controversial college professor of mine once said about society in general. It's a big nothing. All jaws dropped and looks of horror shattered the classroom as a result. Keep working on it and use or lose the suggestions.
  5. tomcat

    Keep or sweep. Love it as is. Suggestions only designed to help make this stronger.
  6. CAN'T STOP NOW

    Read the lyrics as they are sans the extra commentary from others. Now tell me where it references both parties being women. I'm sorry I just don't see it. I'm guessing Frankee is thinking the same as me hence the query.
  7. Slow Down (Sever the ties)

    Short on time but I'll leave a little reply to clear things up. You may have got the wrong idea of some of the lines. He's barely breathing because he's so busy its like he hasn't got the time to. But somewhere in this haze of a life with little meaning, he realises he needs to slow down, and change who he is. Even if he likes who he was, being that person isn't working for him anymore. Once he slows down he begins to notice things (the lies society tells him) and people (a girl who's willing to help him). There's more in there but I don't what to pick out everything. The rug from beneath the feet and the wood for the trees may well be colloquial issues. But they read fine to me. The rug stands for his old self being yanked a way from him and having to build a new but hopefully better life from scratch.
  8. Slow Down (Sever the ties)

    Going to be honest - I don't have a grasp on this story. Very strange.
  9. CAN'T STOP NOW

    It was in your ch. I can see 2 women going back and forth with doing the deed. A man would say shut up let's get it on. I'm guessing you're referring to my getting into her pants comment as the statement in question. Again, it's a matter of the indecision you as a female wanting to try on another female. Sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that it's too late to change your mind.
  10. A Summer Place--New Revision

    Summer place - orbital embrace Glittering sea - letting off energy Just to name a few rhymes I found in there. Plenty of almost but not quite rhymes too. Probably depends on your dialect. To be honest I think it's overly wordy, which may well be hindering people from finding the flow of these lyrics. Of course this is obviously meant to heard not read right? So I'm sure there's a melody in there that would help. I'd suggest cutting a little fat and refining, but I also feel that set to music this would be just fine as is. Your call!
  11. tomcat

    Wouldn't that need more references to places and drinks? Haha I'm also aching for a twist in these lyrics. The simple verse chorus verse chorus structure is certainly fine for some genres.. so I guess it depends where you see this going! I'm all for a Steely Dan vibe though
  12. Are there pro country music singers on here like I love Brett young.
  13. A wise man once said....

    Quote

    When you knowingly post controversial content, you do not have the right to cry foul when it yields controversial responses. 

    :blush: Free speech & lack of censorship work both ways.

    Call this my 2-cents...'nuf said.

     

    Tom 

  14. Racist

    To everyone who offered constructive feedback, I thank you. If you plan to comment on the lyric, please comment on the material and how you think it could be improved.
  15. Racist

    I don't understand your hostility. Art can be controversial. If you don't like what you read then turn the channel, push your ignore button and don't post. You offer nothing constructive in the way of feedback, and frankly ,the feeling is mutual between us. I'm not interested at this point in hearing from you either. Most artists are usually open to all aspects of artistic expression and political discussion whether or not they all agree. Whatever happened to Democracy and free speech?
  16. Yesterday
  17. Racist

    Didn't realize you were a spokesperson for Songwolfe and Neal but thanks for the input and your interpretation.
  18. Summer Storms

    I really like your lyrics and can relate to them. It makes me think of growing up in the south. Whenever a storm would roll in we’d gather to the porch swing to watch it. I would love to hear this put to music.
  19. Lyrics

    Thank you so much! You all have been very helpful.
  20. Summer Storms

    Definitely tighter! It's got a clear metre and, I don't know why, but I hear an acoustic under this. I don't think something overproduced would do these lyrics justice. I don't have much more to say to be honest... Though if I were to pick any nits I'd want to see more poetic imagery as this is fairly literal as it stands. Of course that really isn't a bad thing. Just a preference of mine when talking about weather and such.
  21. Lyrics

    I don't think the placement of the V really means anything (Correct me if I'm wrong guys?). I just write mine at the top of each section. As far as the lyrics go, its cool that you chose to tell this kind of subject matter with circus imagery. I don't think I've seen that done before... so kudos to you for the uniqueness! They're pretty solid overall, though by the end I found the circus imagery edging towards being over done.... You could keep the number two bits, but likewise I'd have to say there might be a more organic way of putting it.
  22. SERTRALINE

    I like! A lot of people take this subject and make something juvinile out of it, but you really did it justice. And I've got to say, there's a lot of images surrounding water, ocean, soaking stuff up. Definitely an interesting choice. I guess feeling that way is like being dropped in an ocean sometimes. Totally a side note... but I checked this out because there's a band local to me called Sertraline. Haha. I'm glad I did.
  23. Slow Down (Sever the ties)

    I imagine this being sung by a band like Heartsounds. Something like that. Not overly in love with the first verse... VERSE Looks like I was barely breathing Living life like it had no meaning Needed time to slow things down. Now I see who was right in front of me Standing still, waiting to set me free Give me a taste of the life I need. (Save me from this life I lead.) CHORUS It's time to rebuild and rearrange Rhyme and rhythm, the reasons the same. Now I guess things suck, But at least the rug’s Been pulled from beneath my feet. VERSE I found it hard to get caught up On all the things that I thought I Needed to be a member of society. Maybe it's just a foolish endeavor Maybe we should cut ties and sever Ourselves from these expectations (Save me, I need inspiration) BRIDGE I promise I'll Be all that you need As long as that Means being the me that I see In my heart, in my dreams, and in my head (Oh, it's all in my head...) CHORUS It's time to rebuild and rearrange Rhyme and rhythm, the reasons the same. Now I guess things suck, But at least the rug’s Been pulled from beneath my feet. It's time to rebuild and rearrange Rhyme and rhythm, the reasons the same. Now I guess things suck, But at least the rug’s Been pulled from beneath my feet. I guess I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
  24. Lyrics

    Wow thanks! “V” I’m assuming is for verse. I noticed you put that after the first line of each verse. Should my first lines not be part of the verse and if so what would those be called? I hope that makes sense. I REALLY appreciate your feedback!
  25. The last of Us

    Yeah, kill the f-bomb. It's pretty good but it's a standard "I hate you" song. I think your hook needs to be stronger. "The last of us" doesn't have the punch.
  26. Racist

    Yeah. I really put off reading this one because of the title. I don't want any of that mess here. But I got 3 lines in and my fears were confirmed. You want a soapbox? Fine, there's a million sites. Leave us lowly wannabe artists alone. Please.
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