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I dont mind vague, but there just seemed to be more of the same going on in each verse. Just a treadmill of unsettled ground with nothing remotely to attach myself to. I just didnt feel the story line of what there was of didnt take me anywhere. I couldn't imagine trying to sing all of those lines in public without the audience growing abit irritated. I write, record and play my music in public, so I would be a pretty good judge of that. You need to condense and figure out what you really want to say instead of over metaphoring the tangibles and dwelling on one liner bits of wisdom.
just my two cents worth
Hey, Rob. Because I know your views regarding critiques from that "other site" which has, unfortunately, gone down the shitter, imo, this opening post of yours doesn't seem to be complete to me. I think you should also express your insightful views on how fluff critiques are essentially worthless, and though they may be blunt and critical, legitimate critiques without sugar-coating the negatives should be valued by posters and others commenting on posts, and not be cause for upset or responses designed to troll the reviewer who points out the negatives - like me! <heh-heh>
It may be alittle too abstract for some here. But I found it just cohesive enough to stand on it's own. Again, the music will fill in some of the blanks once you find the writer who can jive to these lines. Again, most of the lines are singable which is half the battle in writing lyrics.
I have to agree with Arius on this one. It seems rather bland plot wise. I didnt feel talking about the industry in this way gives us an entertaining or insightful story to follow. "Stars in their eyes" theme is a okay to write about, but if you get too preachy with it, then it seems redundant. I mean, a song about an uninspiring songwriter isnt something that catches anyone's imagination. It doesn't mean you couldn't sing about a failing songwriter, but how to make it interesting is the challenge.
I mean, viewpoints on the character were such in Debbie Downer mode that why would anyone want to put music to these lyrics? It would have been easier writing about a person who succeeded in the industry and then had fallen on hard times and the aftermath then some unassuming amateur songwriter. Again, you could have fun with this subject as far as the story of wannabeism (if that's a word). Air guitars, Karoakie nights and the like. Everyone likes to act out the part just for fun. And some take a fleeting stab and find out right away within the first month that it's alot harder than it looks and the beginner guitar hides in the closet.lol That last sentence I wrote in itself is probably worth a lyric or too without sounding heavy and dark.
So in closing, the plot or character is there, it's just the tone is so dark that there's nothing redeeming to attach yourself to the story.
just my two cents worth