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    • Thankyou Jack and RnR!

      RnR, I have the music already, I'm just ultra shy about recording it so I never get around to it.  But the style is grunge, as usual with my guitar stuff I write these days, with a bit of a ballad leaning as well on this one.  It's slow and drudgey, but also very major.  It sways around an ascending mini-scale that in the verses serves as variation upon a single chord and in the choruses serves as the roots of different chords, and it kinda works.  I've also dropped beats from a lot of the bars, which seems to work well also.  I guess I'm a bit socially cut-off these days, don't really get out.  So I don't know about searching the clubs, that sounds like an activity for someone with an income lol.  I adore being social, I just don't really have the budget for it.  Sigh, I guess that's why I get lost in songwriting so much, I mean... it's kinda my option.  Although my amp's gone a bit unreliable recently lol, so might have to get that fixed or get a new one.

      That's not to say that music can't always transcend genre and I do appreciate the comparison and find it interesting.  Thanks for that, will think on it. 

      Hey JazzRaptor.  Thanks for the review!  And welcome to the boards, I've been here a while recently, after a gap of a bunch of years, after being here for a bunch of years before on a now-dead account.  I know what you mean about solid choruses, but I like to vary that sometimes when it works and I think it works here so I think I shan't be combining them.  The "doldrum" in the title refers to the rut they're stuck in, the rut of going around in circles making excuses about being dangerous and not committing suicide at the same time as wanting to and thinking it more moral.  Yeah, it's... not a happy song.  Picture a familiarity smile and blazé attitude with a deeply depressed heart behind it.

      As for the meaning, I approach it the same way I approach my story writing (with very different parameters for a very different genre, obviously).  As in, even if something isn't meant to be understood, it still should have a meaning behind it, and shouldn't just be reasonless.  That way, subtle subconscious connections make their way through - in other words, people can tend to naturally pick up on when something doesn't make internal sense, even if they can't begin to figure out how.  Instinct.  Ensuring that internal sense is present ensures that it doesn't fall down in that way.  Beyond that, I'm okay with people not being able to completely decypher my songs, although I go back and forth on whether or not I actually want them to be understood at that level regardless.  I'm still messing around with this one since I still get the feeling that I want it to be more clearly understood than it stands currently.  I'm still not sure that it has to be completely clear, all the same; for instance I don't feel a great need to make overt the reasons behind them considering themselves dangerous (but I do want it to come across that they do).  Am working on it.

      I'm also working on my nerves and habits, the state of my home, all those things.  In an effort to get something recorded.  Until I can manage that I'll keep posting lyrics though.
    •   Hi Joe. Though not a sports person, I get the references, even the oranges.   I like the juxtaposition of scenarios in the verses, and your way of demonstrating the difference in attitude.   I feel though that the verses need to be tightened up so that the story and the actions in each one are clearer. You as the writer know the story and all its nuances, but the reader/listener needs to be guided. I'd also suggest giving the verses a more distinct rhyme scheme. In V1 and 2, 'gone'/'talk' and 'them'/'time', respectively, kind of work as near rhymes, but there's nothing holding the remaining lines together.   Below are a few observations. I hope they're helpful. Keep or sweep.   (v 1) The half time whistle has just gone
      And the juniors on the losing side
      Gather round to hear the dads team talk Do you mean the team of dads, or the dads having a team-talk session relating to their kids’ performance on the field?
      Waving their arms to angry words Needs to be clear that it’s the dads who are waving their arms.
      in a tribute act to the special one Needs to be clear to whom this refers.
      They throw out oranges with a bitter taste   (Chorus) They tell them
      If anyone doesn't want to be here
      You can go home now
      If anyone doesn't want to be here
      Go take an early bow   (v 2) The full time whistle has called time
      On this senior in the juniors shirt A little obscure. Is this an older boy who’s recalling what the attitude had been when he was a kid?
      Still he can recall the dads back then
      Returning smiles to losing faces
      With a friendly arm and inspiring words
      They made us feel more than five feet tall I like this. A nice twist on the usual 'feel more than ten feet tall'.   (Chorus) They told us
      If anyone doesn't want to be here
      You can tell us now
      If anyone doesn't want to be here
      We'll help you through somehow   (Bridge)
      But that was then
      Helping the children learn and grow 
      And this is now
      Trophies and pictures up for show   (Chorus) They tell them
      If anyone doesn't want to be here
      You can go home now
      If anyone doesn't want to be here
      Go take an early bow   (Coda) I think I'll go home now
      It's time to take an early bow
    • Mick, a really good concept.   My first thought was that a bridge would fit well between the first verses and the last one. It would also serve as a kind of glue to connect the notion in each of the verses, which is contained in the refrain ‘Begin at the end’.   So, on reading the others’ responses, I was glad to note that Ty and Jack (jazzraptor) make the same suggestion.   I’m not worried about the seeming non-connection between the verses. I think the refrain lines take care of that.   I suggest some tightening of certain lines (e.g. in V4) to make the flow smoother. I also suggest beginning at the end. By that I mean start with what’s now V4 (school), then move into the marriage, and then end up with the job (currently V1.    Begin at the end   V1 Your job makes you feel like coffee Excellent first two lines. Cause you’re feeling the daily grind Your boss is working you harder Wanting your body, soul and mind Tell him it’s all over and press send So you can begin at the end Begin at the end Begin at the end Ye-ah begin at the end    V2 At the start when you got married  You were more one body than two But problems and time took their toll So now there’s cracking in the glue You both need to be a good friend Maybe ‘you need to be each other’s friend’. So you can begin at the end Begin at the end Begin at the end Ye-ah begin at the end    V3  Suggest dropping this verse, as it’s essentially a continuation of the story in V2. You could keep the concept for another lyric. You have been friends all of your life Then a bad word turns to a fight Neither of you is backing down But both wishing you were still tight One of you will just have to bend So you can begin at the end Begin at the end Begin at the end Ye-ah begin at the end   V4  Suggest making this V1. When you’re at school the jocks and the  Beauty queens all call you a nerd Their fakeness makes them popular While you struggle just to be heard But you never have to pretend Cause you can begin at the end Begin at the end Begin at the end Ye-ah begin at the end
    • The bones of a good story here, Mike, but I feel they need to be fleshed out with more concrete details for the reader/listener to have something to latch onto, to actually care about.   I’d like to see the kind of carefully constructed progression of details that was in your wonderful ‘Peace and Love’. The irony was more subtle.   Touch the Sky   V1 I’m in a hold so deep  Should this ‘hole’? Almost dying from the heat Far above there’s a circle of light Pale blue, must be the sky   V2 Suggest making this your first verse. It seems to lead more logically into what’s currently V1. Every day I have to climb From the ever-deepening slime Suggest re-thinking lines 2 & 3 ‘deep’ is already in the other verse, and slime doesn’t normally get spewed - it oozes. That the world is spewing out Makes me scream out loud  Suggest re-thinking. A scream is automatically loud, though you could say ‘want to scream out loud’.  Is there a way you can avoid using ‘out’ in both lines?   Ch I very much like lines 3 & 4, but lines 1 & 2 don’t support the verses, either in message or in tone. I’ll never doubt my own worth I’ll always dare to ask why I may be bound to the earth But I can still touch the sky   V3 V3 & 4 could be combined and tightened, as they’re saying the same thing. And V4 in particular is not supported by the chorus. I’d like to see a couple of concrete examples of the ills the narrator speaks of. Media blasts out horror and death The world is more of a mess Getting too tired to fight Think you need a pronoun here to indicate it’s the singer who’s getting tired. Also, the statement is a bit of a surprise, coming as it does between examples of what’s going on. Pollution is hiding the sky  Suggest simple present ‘hides’ rather than present continuous. It’s more direct.   V4 Losing hope to ever escape Not much more I can take The future is closing in Darkness making my head spin   Chorus   Br Finally a breath of fresh air. I suggest dropping line 3, as it destroys the mood. You could also lose line 5, because line 1 clearly shows that the ground is far below. On a mountain peak far away This suggests the singer is simply describing a far-away mountain peak, but line 8 seems to suggest he’s standing on it. The air is fresh and clear Nothing to ruin the day Beauty that brings a tear The ground is far below Raise my hands high The wonder of nature’s show As I reach and touch the sky   Maybe something like:   Far away on a mountain peak    (or ‘Standing now on a mountain peak’ if the guy is actually there) Where the air is fresh and clear Where nature’s beauty brings a tear I raise my hands high In wonder and praise As I reach to touch the sky   Chorus (?) I think a chorus would make sense here. 
    • Hi, James. I wondered where you’d gone.    I concur with Patty regarding the structure. Roughen it up a bit so that it reflects the ‘gloom ‘n doom’ mood of the lyric. Also, provide more concrete storyline details: think along ‘who, what, where, why, when, and how’, or any combination of at least two or three of the elements. As they stand, the verses don’t progress dynamically from one to the other. They’re largely a litany of woes. I think though that you have an excellent rough sketch that you can fill out with colour and detail. In fact, you have a couple of gems of lines that could form the basis of something a little different.   I’ll mention a few more things in passing, which of course you can keep or sweep.   Nothin’s Gonna Last        Suggest a stronger title/hook. Something lmore dynamic.   Intro Not sure that an intro fits. I’d suggest incorporating bits of it into the verses or chorus.   I don't know what happened to yesterday I woke up this morning to a strange display What language are you trying to speak  Who is the ‘you’? What is it the ‘you’ is doing/talking about? Did you bump your head, did you spring a leak You lost me when you opened your mouth I absolutely love this line (it applies to a few people I know ). In fact, I’d strongly suggest that you use it as your title/hook, then make a cracking in-your-face chorus out of it. That's when the whole thing headed south   A little confusing is that the intro seems to indicate a personal relationship but the rest of the lyric moves in a more general direction (e.g. worry about the social/political/economic climate, etc.).    Chorus Could  be tightened up.   There's nothin' like it was before The word ‘there’ takes up valuable space. How about ‘Nothin’s like it was before’. It's all gone now its far in the past Suggest dropping ‘far’ to get a parallel construction. What is the it? Can you mention examples? This will give the reader/listener something to hang on to. Nothing but panic from shore to shore Maybe  something like ‘Panic reigns from shore to shore’. Ain't nothing left that's gonna last Suggest ‘nothin’s left that’s gonna last.   Rough example of what a change-up in the rhyme scheme could look like:   Nothin’s like it was before Panic reigns from shore to shore It’s all gone now, it’s in the past Nothin’s left that’s gonna last Nothin’s left, nothin’s left, nothin’s left    Verse 1  Now hold on tight with all your might For a better flow, place ‘now’ after ‘hold on’. You ask why your life is so damn hard  In what way is it hard? Example(s)? As the sunshine turns into night Awkward, because the sunshine doesn’t become night. Suggest something like ‘As daytime turns into the night’. You missed the deal you have no cards  What deal?    Chorus   Verse 2  Now carry on like nothing's wrong Don't slow down now don't stand still This odyssey of demons is far too long Good line, but doesn’t fit the tone of the rest of the lyric. ‘Odyssey’ is a wonderful ten-dollar word more suited to a different tone. ‘Odyssey of demons’ wouldmake a great title/hook for a different lyric, in which the focus of the story is on who is doing what, where, when, and how.  Just keep on climbing up that hill     Chorus
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