The forums will look a little different following the upgrade - but further adjustments are being made.

Ensure you log in with your DISPLAY NAME (the name you are known by on the forum) 

See the post in General Conversation for more details

Welcome to Muse Songwriters Message Board

Register now to gain access to all of our features. 

 

This message will be removed once you have signed in.

AndyLeF

Members
  • Content count

    332
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Community Reputation

0 Neutral

About AndyLeF

  • Rank
    Inspirational Muse
  • Birthday

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://https://andylefevre.com

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Essex, England
  • Interests
    Life, the Universe and everything...

Previous Fields

  • Lyricist, Composer or Both?
    Both
  • Musical Influences?
    Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear
  1. Good range of lyrics this month with some very topical ones indeed! - well done everyone! Thanks iggy for your time running the contest this month! Andy
  2. Many thanks for some really excellent feedback guys Bob – "beneath my restless feet" – narration perspective has now changed which helps this a little here. - I like “smite”! - Yes, the shift to "tavern" maybe too abrupt; am considering options. - Thanks – I try really hard with images! Mike – I mislabeled v3 – and yes, I'll consider another verse. - “Upon” in the title works for me – they were lost on the rocks above the deep! - all though - I do agree with you, they certainly end up below/in the deep! Donna – starting with the chorus was deliberate to make the song different from the vast hordes of standard V Ch V Ch songs (of which I’ve done many as well!) - “‘neath” rather than “beneath” was deliberate – as someone mentioned; ship wreaks - are set in an old time frame so I’ve tried hard to introduce some rather old style words: - “smite”, “‘neath”, “‘dorn” – and more, if I can find them! - "Fog" is good but too specific; I let the readers imagination do some work her as “ghostly breath” is open to imagination: spray, mist, fog…. - “restless feet” – Randy mentioned the need to make things slightly unknown to pique interest – I’m in his camp! - Very good point here! – “fists seeking” is a sssss singers nightmare!! – “blows seeking” is much better thanks. - Agreed “uncaring rocks” is more interesting – thanks Donna  - Good catch on the multitude of “rocks” – have adjusted. - I like “beaten” instead of “falling” – thx  - Yes, “I” in V2 is a good candidate and will fit in well with the change of narration I’ve now adopted. Buc – thanks – think we are on the same page here. - “Around”/”Along” both work – “Around” works especially for an island – however overall “along” it is – thanks! - Your suggestion on trimming the bell line flows much better – thanks. - Your prompt on the “rolling waves are never ending” got me thinking and I’ve found “unrelenting”  - Yes, I didn’t like “execution” either; it was a ‘transition” word waiting for replacement. After a long time perusing the “tion” words I’ve found “capitulation” which is a bit better than “execution” - I'm still looking! - I get your point on “life rings” but a google search of “life belts” shows the round inflation devices I’m speaking of are still referred to as belts so think I’m ok there. - Yes, “like windows on the sea” is what I started out with but the melody I’ve got needed more, so I added those extra words – I may have to revisit that! Randy - you have a producer’s ear! – yes I’m already considering an echo on “abandon ship”  - Agree with your observation on “restless feet” - of liking something which is not quiet explainable and so leaves it up to imagination. I’ve adjusted the narrative perspective so hope it still is a bit ‘oblique’! Pre music draft: Lost Upon The Deep © 2016 Andy LeFevre Intro: Instrumental Chorus 1 Lost upon the deep ‘neath the waves we gently sleep Along the coast still see our ghostly breath And as the waves pound over rocks above our restless feet The echo of a bell rings out - abandon ship Verse 1 Breakers smite uncaring rocks In angry blows of retribution Unrelenting ‘til they submit Crumbled in capitulation Chorus 2 Lost upon the deep ‘neath the waves we gently sleep Along the coast still see our ghostly breath And as the waves pound over rocks above our restless feet The echo of a bell rings out - abandon ship Instrumental Verse 3 Lifebelts ‘dorn the tavern walls like window views out to the lost at sea I feel the panic hear the cries The unknown sailor me lies nearby Chorus 3 Tag Still some open window space sirens from the tavern walls If you turn your head you may still get a glimpse - of me
  3. Thanks everyone for initial comments - final pre-music draft below: I went on holiday to an island recently - it had loads of ship wreaks around it's rocky coast and a single tavern with many lifebelts reclaimed from the wreaks hanging on it's wall and this lyric came to me. I wasn't sure if it should be called "Abandon Ship" or "Lost Upon The Deep" - hope I've chosen the 'right' one?! Many thanks for any comments Andy Lost Upon The Deep © 2016 Andy LeFevre Intro: Instrumental Chorus 1 Lost upon the deep ‘neath the waves we gently sleep Along the coast still see our ghostly breath And as the waves pound over rocks above our restless feet The echo of a bell rings out - abandon ship Verse 1 Breakers smite uncaring rocks In angry blows of retribution Unrelenting ‘til they submit Crumbled in capitulation Chorus 2 Lost upon the deep ‘neath the waves we gently sleep Along the coast still see our ghostly breath And as the waves pound over rocks above our restless feet The echo of a bell rings out - abandon ship Instrumental Verse 3 Lifebelts ‘dorn the tavern walls like window views out to the lost at sea I feel the panic hear the cries The unknown sailor me lies nearby Chorus 3 Tag Still some open window space sirens from the tavern walls If you turn your head you may still get a glimpse of me
  4. Hi nc, Think you have a solid start here and the chorus and particularly V3 work really well - a few comments and suggestions below. Good luck with it! Andy
  5. Hey Donna - long time! This is pretty clear to me what's going on. You have some great imagery here and I have a few comments below - keep or sweep! Good story lyric! Andy I Still See the Boy V1 I still see the boy Though not in his bed Strange reverse speak here "though not" - kind of a long way round saying "he's out of his bed again!" so maybe the simpler: "He's out of his bed" would flow better? But kicking the dustbins at midnight instead Aged four, in scruffy pyjamas And often unfed I really like the dustbin kicking image here but struggle with the logic that a four year old could be out of the house kicking dustbins at midnight - however, that does become become clear later! V2 I still see the boy Being taken away His home now with strangers who’ll teach him to play Aged five, with two of his brothers Maybe "two of his" => "new"? (if he's been adopted into another family) Beside him that day Ok so I get the logic in v1 now - we are talking neglect of the boy Bridge Sometimes the boy tiptoes into my dreams Since it's clear the lyric is about "the boy" I think that can be replaced with "he" in the above line... Holding mixed crayons like hope in his hand He carefully fills in the contours xlnt 2 lines here! Of a sober mother and father This seems to me to be too direct and a rather a 'bolt all the bits together' kind of a line - they are good as a transition containing all the ideas before a really neat line saying the same thing more eloquently appears - imho more work on this line could find something really neat. …A family in fairytale land Great line I really like the intent in this bridge Donna! V3 I still see the boy Creating a space This line doesn't present any clear image to me - maybe you could work in "hiding place" or "den" or "tree house" or "Creating his space" or something with a clearer image? Deep in the garden, no tears on his face "No tears on his face" - again, the negative rather 'baggage' laden way of expressing the intent which could maybe more clearly be expressed with something like: "Deep in the garden now a grin on his face" and then the last line adjusts simply as: "He's finding his place"... But finding his place © 2016 Donna Devine[/size]
  6. Sounds familiar Donna! I've got notebooks and word docs galore - hundreds of potential titles that seemed at some point to have scope for development. Some only titles and others with many lyric lines - most of which are pretty poor but occasionally I find some nugget in there and - it's all about collecting enough nuggets together to start one off... Don't know if anyone watched "Gareth's Invictus Choir"...? (Think it maybe available on youtube as well). Absolutely brilliant riveting stuff; will move the viewer to tears AND there is an amazing lyric and song developed in the program - 3 weeks before being sung live by an amateur choir to 20,000 people at the opening of the Invictus games in Orlando! From a songwriter's point of view this program has everything - moving real life stories to find "nugget" lyric lines, lyric/song song development, performance aspects. I can't recommend viewing this highly enough for the songwriter. A trailer for the program can be found - Keep the tissues handy and be inspired...! Andy
  7. Some really good song writing ideas here for getting started or developing your ideas from some really good songwriters... 5 starting points for songwriting Hmmmm, they make it sound so 'easy'! Andy
  8. Wow - many thanks Justin, Paul, SW and Mike - fabulously constructive feedback and I pretty much agree with all comments. :) Have re-written many lines and added a bridge - think it's ready for the composing phase now - which is bound to introduce a little more tidying up! Cheers guys, Andy Dream Catcher 2016 © Andrew LeFevre Verse 1 Sunlight glistens on the waves rolling in Sea salt spray on our lips Catch our breath, climb the grey granite cliffs Glimpse lazy fishing skiffs Pre Chorus So at peace Feeling free Rediscovering you and me Chorus 1 This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, blue This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, true This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, you Verse 2 Breathing deeply in the cool ocean air There’s a wild wilderness here No stampeding herds of cars No street lights blind the stars Pre Chorus So at peace Feeling free Rediscovering you and me Chorus 2 This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, blue This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, true This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, you Verse 3 Seabirds calling in the blue overhead Timeless cries haunt the sky Ridge soaring masters they wheel and glide Oh to feel the way they fly Pre Chorus So at peace Feeling free Rediscovering you and me Chorus 3 This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, blue This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, true This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, you Bridge x2 It’s so simple Oh, this is where to live, forgive Just live, live, live Pre Chorus Chorus Tag (= repeat bridge & fade)
  9. [Updated changes added] Here's an intended wistful 'mood' lyric - intended for the weary traveller who finds peace in an unspoilt wildlife paradise somewhere and just wants to retreat out of the rat race. Does it succeed? - any comments/suggestions welcomed. Thanks, Andy Dream Catcher 2016 © Andrew LeFevre Verse 1 Sunlight glistens on the waves rolling in Sea salt spray on our lips Catch our breath, climb the grey granite cliffs Glimpse lazy fishing skiffs Pre Chorus So at peace Feeling free Rediscovering you and me Chorus 1 This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, blue This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, true This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, you Verse 2 Breathing deeply in the cool ocean air There’s virgin wilderness here No stampeding herds of cars No street lights blind the stars Pre Chorus So at peace Feeling free Rediscovering you and me Chorus 2 This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, blue This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, true This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, you Verse 3 Seabirds calling in the blue overhead Timeless cries haunt the sky Ridge soaring masters they wheel and glide Oh to feel the way they fly Pre Chorus So at peace Feeling free Rediscovering you and me Chorus 3 This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, blue This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, true This place is a dream catcher, a dream catcher, you Bridge x2 It’s so simple Oh, this is where to live, forgive Just live, live, live Pre Chorus Chorus Tag (= repeat bridge & fade)
  10. SW - I liked the first verse and it's nice surprise at the end line! Made me want to read more... You paint a rather depressed picture of what should be a great event for most people. I think you can get away with this (i.e. the listener wont select "next" on his play list) if you can make the verse and chorus slightly comical and give him some hope in the bridge which imho needs a re-write to play up the positive side. Some comments below - just imho Good luck with it! Cheers, Andy
  11. Good start on your chorus here which you say you have finished musically so I wont mess with it too much except to say it's maybe a little wordy and might benefit from being made 'tighter'. To get ideas the skill is in asking yourself the 'right' [life] questions - get used to doing that and you will find lyrics will flow. Don't be afraid to write every thing down. Like sifting gold there will be a lot of rubbish but the occasional 'glint! Well to get started - what do hearts do mechanically...? - well, they: 1/ - race or change speed (I like this - the tempo 'beat' would lock into your chorus theme... 2/ - miss a beat some times - especially when someone you like a lot greets you. Has been said before but you might be able to find a new angle here. 3/ - cause a pulse 4/ - need a bypass/surgery. This has potential - "please fix my heart" kind of thing 5/ - need a pacemaker sometimes. Has potential - a drummer sets the tempo - fits in with your chorus Obviously the mechanical aspect of hearts will be dull - but the interest will come if you can make meaningful metaphors on an emotional level... So a verse attempt might be something like: Developing idea 4/ a little: I'm in casualty There's a dagger in my heart My pulse is weak, blood pressure's down There's only one cure and it's when you're around Please help my heart beat again Developing idea 5/ a little: You set the pace You always have When you're not around I drift timeless through night and day Like some clock that's stopped - come wind me up Make me tick Set my alarm and make the morning stick You get the idea - play around with things, ask yourself endless questions and write it all down. Then go though it all with a highlight pen and pick out small bits you like. Start again with those; ask questions again.... Good luck with it! Andy
  12. Jodi - shame there is no general PM 'broadcast' feature for mailing every one at once; you don't need any extra work on your hands! Alistair - wow, man - your a star! - be great for a muse 'phoenix' rise up. Having no muse to turn to would have left a big hole in my songwriting life! All the best guys, Andy
  13. Hey Paul - I was going to take the path of least resistance and pass over this but then your hook was just too good to do that Good hook and well expanded you have done most of the hard work already; this has the potential to be a really good hard hitting song. Only major nit is the 'too-easy' use of word generalities - but easily fixed; unless - you take the path of least resistance haha Anyway, keep, sweep or change there are some ideas for you below. Good start! Andy
  14. There was a reading of a poem called “Lost Love” at one of my local folk clubs and 'Didi', the poet, came up to me afterwards and said she always thought it would make a good song and would I like to compose some music for it. The poem seemed to me to have loads of potential - so, here is the instrumental version of “Lost Love”; the sad tale of a young couple growing up together in a moorland setting (renown for many-a folk tune!) where they played together and fell in love. Then sadly one of them dies leaving the other behind with unbearable sad loss but contrasting happy memories of their short time together. The poem had a Verse1, Verse2, Break1, Verse3, Verse4, Break2, Verse5, Break1 structure where the two breaks tell different aspects of their happy times together. The Verse melody is scene and sad lamenting setting while the break melody contrasts with thoughts of their happy times together. I’ve tried to capture the sad and happy aspects and atmosphere of "Lost Love" out there on the moor, where one of them is left lamenting the sad passing of the other. Lost Love (Instrumental) © 2016 Music composed and arranged by A.P.LeFevre Flute & strings midi, acoustic guitar – Andy LeFevre Mandolin – Peter Slater Double Bass – Roy Bartholomew Hope it strikes a 'chord' with listeners! Andy
  15. Hi David, Loads of potential here - cracking guitar playing throughout and in the intro and solo in particular. Vocals are expressive and support the lyric well. My main crit would be the movement from verse into the chorus - see below... Really enjoyed the listen David Andy Just One More Day With You Music & Lyrics by David S. Becker ©2016 David S. Becker Music INTRO Wonderful feel to the intro here; great guitar playing - sets up the vibe of the song really well - great stuff! VERSE 1 The sky above me Smiles down so sweetly Not sure about "Smiles" here - maybe "Shines" is a more believable 'emotion' for the sky?! Everytime I think of you I know you're there, but VERSE 2 My eyes keep tearing up Christmas was really rough A New Year's Wish that can't come true Just one more day with you The movement into the chorus here is a problem for me - no discernible change for the listener; the chorus is sounding like another verse - think it needs an 'entrance' - maybe a pause or something just to announce it's arrival. CHORUS They say that time heals But that's not how I feel In my heart In my soul I know what I want Is just one more day with you The chorus melody to my ear is very similar to the verse melody in the first two lines which is causing the problem with the chorus entrance being announced. Also, it seems a bit odd to me to repeat the hook line at the end of verse 2 and 4 - maybe the end of verse 2 and 4 could be made into a pre chorus? - something like: "There's something I need to say to you" or if you really wanted to build tension for your hook then: "I just wanted, I just wanted" - to be resolved at the end of the chorus with something like: "I just wanted One more day with you" Maybe if you play vocally with the words in the first two lines of the chorus you could get the verse/lyric contrast that is needed? Another idea would be to change the rhythm/meter of the first two chorus lines well away from verse rhythm/meter - that would ensure the melody changes at the start of the chorus. Great contrast and song development you introduce here by bringing in the drums to announce the Chorus => Verse boundary! VERSE 3 I'd say I'm sorry And please forgive me For all those times I made you cry And kept it all inside VERSE 4 Hot dogs and cold brews As we watch the Bucs lose Love the couplet here! But we'll cheer 'til we're near blue Just one more day with you REPEAT CHORUS Good doubling up of the vocals here - like it! SOLO excellent solo - love it! Like the contrast you introduce from the solo going into the last chorus where you simplify the backing greatly - effective! REPEAT CHORUS