Randy P. Gendron's Profile
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- 25-May 10
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Posted 22 Jul 2016Beginning with the chorus works for me, Andy. I'm impressed when songs do this successfully and I think yours will. I have a few suggestervations and compliments below:
A long lost echo of a bell rings out.. Abandon Ship! abandon ship... . Would be cool if you could create an echo here at the end by rhyme or repetition. I agree with Buc, 'Along' is a better descriptive of the coastline, if you do too, then you'll have 'along the' and 'a long lost' to begin the echo sooner. Oh and the cool inner rhymes give your chorus some nice reveb .
Breakers smite the guilty rocks
[With the angry fist of] retribution - Whenever possible, I enjoy a metaphor or anthropomorphic image over simile. Buc's ' in angry blows' suggestion does so and fixes Donna's uncomfortable 's' concern.
Lifebelts 'dorn the tavern walls
Like window views... Wow! Here my morph reasoning doesn't apply because your lifebelt/window image is perfect as is unless you can find a way.
I'm a wee bit confused by: beneath my restless feet , but I like the not exactly knowing feeling it gives me.
Until she sings! Cheers and More...
Posted 21 Jul 2016Mornin' Donna.
I'm trying to read the lyric without the supplemental information (which isn't easy considering the use of royal blue). Anyhoo, these two things give me pause (paws?) - for different reasons but described below.
Though he's not in his bed
[Out] kicking the dustbins at midnight instead - I hear 'butt kicking' more than 'but' as a conjunction/transitional word.
Of a mummy and dada, no bottle in sight - It took abit to hear and understand 'no [booze] bottle in sight'. Why? Because mummy and dada are endearing lil boy words, so I thought either the child is proud of being weened from his bottle or the singer is sad to have missed another milestone. Or the singer is relieved to know the boy has sober parents. Idk, it's a thinker moment and maybe that's a cool effect for the bridge.
I know there's an answer to the bottle question, but for me, for now, I don't think the song is explaining it as well as it could.
ps. I just checked back to see if I in/correctly lowercased mum and da and I saw the possible change in hook. Please do it... I like the thought of kicking up dustbins as the arcing thread of your story. It'll be cool to see how this hook is reintroduce in evolving ways. Very Cool !
pss. re. bottle. I still remember this awesome image from Memory Police, [don't know] which came first the bottle or the breakup.
Posted 20 Jul 2016Vive la France! is all I have at the moment, Carl . But I've been back to reread this lyric several times now, and the revisions made improvements, so I'm pretty sure I have more than a slogan to share with your SOAD-esque Rock song. First I gotta figure out - with so many soft and innocent targets involved - on whose side of the story am I morally inclined to be on.
Until then, Peace and More...
Posted 20 Jul 2016Hey ninjacop.
Some thoughts to keep or sweep.
Times change; a memory remains the same
Like an old picture in a frame
It was just a falling summer rain
Times change, a memory remains <-- Because times and memory both change (don't they?) I would drop "the same" or replace it with something similar sounding but undeniably true. Also, I like Buc's simile suggestion not only for the echo but it helps me connect the old picture and summer rain images to one another. As is, I'm not sure what "It" refers back to: the tiff, time, memory, or picture. The same it problem happens, for me, when the chorus repeats itself.
Is eternity a partner?
Or [the] enemy in disguise? <-- "the" sings better - methinks.
What drew both lover's together
Vanished and led to a demise<--This line just ends in death, both appropriately and literally so. Wordwise, "... and led to a demise" is an unfortunate let down. I think it needs rephrasing to keep in step with the images that come before and after. Not this, but something akinto: What drew both lovers together, vanished [in the tissue of] demise.
Other'n that - if even that, I'm entertained and happy I had time to give your lyric a read.
Cheers and more...
Posted 19 Jul 2016You have a good collection of suggestions so I'm just gonna add my congratulations. I tend to linger on the cynic and sadder sides of things - therapeutic, maybe? - so it's always cool to be drawn into a positive story that also happens to be true.
Cheers and more...
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