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Lyrics Feedback (85 posts)
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User is offline Nov 05 2016 04:06 PM
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Lyricist, Composer or Both?:
Both
Musical Influences?:
Any song with good melody and lyrics is going to catch my ear

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Icon   AndyLeF To a poet a thousand years past...

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  1. In Topic: October Lyric Contest

    Posted 31 Oct 2016

    Good range of lyrics this month with some very topical ones indeed! :blink: - well done everyone!

    Thanks iggy for your time running the contest this month! :)

    Andy
  2. In Topic: "Lost Upon The Deep"

    Posted 22 Jul 2016

    Many thanks for some really excellent feedback guys :)

    Bob – "beneath my restless feet" – narration perspective has now changed which helps this a little here.
    - I like “smite”!
    - Yes, the shift to "tavern" maybe too abrupt; am considering options.
    - Thanks – I try really hard with images!

    Mike – I mislabeled v3 – and yes, I'll consider another verse.
    - “Upon” in the title works for me – they were lost on the rocks above the deep! - all though
    - I do agree with you, they certainly end up below/in the deep!

    Donna – starting with the chorus was deliberate to make the song different from the vast hordes of standard V Ch V Ch songs (of which I’ve done many as well!)
    - “‘neath” rather than “beneath” was deliberate – as someone mentioned; ship wreaks
    - are set in an old time frame so I’ve tried hard to introduce some rather old style words:
    - “smite”, “‘neath”, “‘dorn” – and more, if I can find them!
    - "Fog" is good but too specific; I let the readers imagination do some work her as “ghostly breath” is open to imagination: spray, mist, fog….
    - “restless feet” – Randy mentioned the need to make things slightly unknown to pique interest – I’m in his camp!
    - Very good point here! – “fists seeking” is a sssss singers nightmare!! – “blows seeking” is much better thanks.
    - Agreed “uncaring rocks” is more interesting – thanks Donna 
    - Good catch on the multitude of “rocks” – have adjusted.
    - I like “beaten” instead of “falling” – thx 
    - Yes, “I” in V2 is a good candidate and will fit in well with the change of narration I’ve now adopted.

    Buc – thanks – think we are on the same page here.
    - “Around”/”Along” both work – “Around” works especially for an island – however overall “along” it is – thanks!
    - Your suggestion on trimming the bell line flows much better – thanks.
    - Your prompt on the “rolling waves are never ending” got me thinking and I’ve found “unrelenting” 
    - Yes, I didn’t like “execution” either; it was a ‘transition” word waiting for replacement. After a long
    time perusing the “tion” words I’ve found “capitulation” which is a bit better than “execution” - I'm still looking!
    - I get your point on “life rings” but a google search of “life belts” shows the round inflation devices I’m speaking of
    are still referred to as belts so think I’m ok there.
    - Yes, “like windows on the sea” is what I started out with but the melody I’ve got needed more, so I added those extra words – I may have to revisit that!

    Randy - you have a producer’s ear! – yes I’m already considering an echo on “abandon ship” 
    - Agree with your observation on “restless feet” - of liking something which is not quiet explainable and so leaves it up to imagination.
    I’ve adjusted the narrative perspective so hope it still is a bit ‘oblique’!

    Pre music draft:

    Lost Upon The Deep

    © 2016 Andy LeFevre

    Intro: Instrumental


    Chorus 1
    Lost upon the deep
    ‘neath the waves we gently sleep
    Along the coast still see our ghostly breath
    And as the waves pound over rocks above our restless feet
    The echo of a bell rings out - abandon ship

    Verse 1
    Breakers smite uncaring rocks
    In angry blows of retribution
    Unrelenting ‘til they submit
    Crumbled in capitulation

    Chorus 2
    Lost upon the deep
    ‘neath the waves we gently sleep
    Along the coast still see our ghostly breath
    And as the waves pound over rocks above our restless feet
    The echo of a bell rings out - abandon ship

    Instrumental


    Verse 3
    Lifebelts ‘dorn the tavern walls
    like window views out to the lost at sea
    I feel the panic hear the cries
    The unknown sailor me lies nearby

    Chorus 3

    Tag
    Still some open window space
    sirens from the tavern walls
    If you turn your head you may
    still get a glimpse - of me
  3. In Topic: Times Change; a Memory Remains

    Posted 21 Jul 2016

    Hi nc,

    Think you have a solid start here and the chorus and particularly V3 work really well - a few comments and suggestions below.

    Good luck with it! :)

    Andy


    View Postninjacop, on 19 July 2016 - 07:34 PM, said:

    Verse 1
    She likes the view from the cliff
    It helps keeps the tides afar This line doesn't quite make sense to me - maybe "Watching the tides from afar"?
    A petty lover’s tiff
    Fade away the shooting star "the" => "like a"? would flow nicely

    Chorus
    Times change; but memories remain
    Like an old picture in a frame I really like this line - you could 'colour' it even more, maybe "Like old pictures in dusty frames"
    Like passing summer rain
    Times change; but memories remains
    [/color]
    Good chorus with a clear message well put - great stuff!


    Verse 2
    Sand blowing through a desert plain
    A horse bolts; an old flame smokes
    I didn't understand "an old flame smokes" - do you mean a gun has fired or an old lover is smoking or something?
    The end of a queen’s reign
    Cometh the reaper in his cloak Quite a direct line this for me - there maybe a more subtle way of saying this that is worth finding

    V2 is very ambitious in it's scope - could be great with a little more work.

    Chorus
    Times change; but memories remain
    Like an old picture in a frame
    Like passing summer rain
    Times change; but memories remains


    Verse 3
    Is eternity a partner?
    The enemy in disguise?
    What drew both lover’s together
    Became tears in their eyes

    Now this is a most excellent verse - kudos!! Love it. It's tight, has loads of potential meanings and is well phrased for me. Well done.


    Chorus
    Times change; but memories remain
    Like an old picture in a frame
    Like passing summer rain
    Times change; but memories remains
  4. In Topic: Kicking the Dustbins (formerly 'I Still See the Boy') REV 1

    Posted 21 Jul 2016

    Hey Donna - long time!

    This is pretty clear to me what's going on. You have some great imagery here and I have a few comments below - keep or sweep!

    Good story lyric! :)

    Andy


    I Still See the Boy

    V1
    I still see the boy
    Though not in his bed
    Strange reverse speak here "though not" - kind of a long way round saying "he's out of his bed again!" so maybe the simpler: "He's out of his bed" would flow better?

    But kicking the dustbins at midnight instead
    Aged four, in scruffy pyjamas
    And often unfed
    I really like the dustbin kicking image here but struggle with the logic that a four year old could be out of the house kicking dustbins at midnight - however, that does become become clear later!


    V2
    I still see the boy
    Being taken away
    His home now with strangers who’ll teach him to play
    Aged five, with two of his brothers Maybe "two of his" => "new"? (if he's been adopted into another family)
    Beside him that day

    Ok so I get the logic in v1 now - we are talking neglect of the boy

    Bridge
    Sometimes the boy tiptoes into my dreams
    Since it's clear the lyric is about "the boy" I think that can be replaced with "he" in the above line...

    Holding mixed crayons like hope in his hand
    He carefully fills in the contours xlnt 2 lines here!
    Of a sober mother and father
    This seems to me to be too direct and a rather a 'bolt all the bits together' kind of a line - they are good as a transition containing all the ideas before a really neat line saying the same thing more eloquently appears - imho more work on this line could find something really neat.

    …A family in fairytale land Great line :)

    I really like the intent in this bridge Donna!

    V3
    I still see the boy
    Creating a space This line doesn't present any clear image to me - maybe you could work in "hiding place" or "den" or "tree house" or "Creating his space" or something with a clearer image?
    Deep in the garden, no tears on his face
    "No tears on his face" - again, the negative rather 'baggage' laden way of expressing the intent which could maybe more clearly be expressed with something like: "Deep in the garden now a grin on his face" and then the last line adjusts simply as: "He's finding his place"...
    But finding his place

    © 2016 Donna Devine[/size]
    [/quote]
  5. In Topic: 5 starting points for songwriting....

    Posted 11 Jun 2016

    Sounds familiar Donna!

    I've got notebooks and word docs galore - hundreds of potential titles that seemed at some point to have scope for development. Some only titles and others with many lyric lines - most of which are pretty poor but occasionally I find some nugget in there and - it's all about collecting enough nuggets together to start one off...

    Don't know if anyone watched "Gareth's Invictus Choir"...? (Think it maybe available on youtube as well). Absolutely brilliant riveting stuff; will move the viewer to tears AND there is an amazing lyric and song developed in the program - 3 weeks before being sung live by an amateur choir to 20,000 people at the opening of the Invictus games in Orlando!

    From a songwriter's point of view this program has everything - moving real life stories to find "nugget" lyric lines, lyric/song song development, performance aspects. I can't recommend viewing this highly enough for the songwriter.

    A trailer for the program can be found - here

    Keep the tissues handy and be inspired...! :)

    Andy

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A Muse's Muse
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Life, the Universe and everything...

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Website URL  http://https://andylefevre.com

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  1. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 12:21
    Hi Bernie - think you are better off in Calif. - just wet and wet and wet over here! Good to meet you on the muse!
  2. Photo

    ironynotlost Icon

    29 Nov 2014 - 11:55
    Hello Andy, I'm stuck in Calif. US, but hail from Merry Old, way way back when I was 3 yrs. Bernie
  3. Photo

    AndyLeF Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 06:35
    Hi Gwyneth - at long last, my comments is up and running - many thanks!
    Do be careful and choose a UK location above any local floodplain - we have had one heck of a lot a rain recently! Cheers
    Andy
  4. Photo

    Gwyneth Rose Icon

    13 Mar 2014 - 05:27
    HI Andy,
    How do you do? LOL
    I see you reside in Essex. I'm coming back to the UK within the next 3 months. Going to live is Oxted, Surrey.
    Cheers
    G
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