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  • Posts

    • I like the title, but i have Just a few concerns here. In verse 1 you said she politely asked for my number and then in the chorus your saying don't call on me Ill call on you. And when I think shark i think aggressive. Shouldn't the guy (shark) be going after her? Asking for her number? And in verse 2 if your at a bar why are you circling fruit machines? Shouldn't you be circling the jukebox or pool table? The bridge i like and the chorus would be okay with a few tweaks in the verses i think. But for me i would like to see this lyric get more aggressive down and dirty with it like a shark. Just my opinion as alway stash or trash. 
    • Can admin delete 2 of the 3 of my last post please. Sorry
    • I imagine this with a "boys are back in town" feel to it. It's very chauvinistic and arrogant but that's the story of the protagonist. It is however influenced by my young single days of trying to get lucky in my local drinking establishment, the bulls head, or for short, the bull     The Saturday night bull sharks   V1
      She entered shark invested waters
      A forty two ten in her hand
      She asked politely for my number 
      I said "catch me later, if you can"   Ch
      "I'm a,,Saturday night bull shark baby
      Don't call on me, I'll call on you
      We're the,,Saturday night bull sharks baby
      Your Saturday night bull shark food"   V2
      We circled empty fruit machines from six
      By the mouth of the ladies room
      "Common denominationary chick,
      catch you later at a quarter to two"   Ch
      "I'm a,,Saturday night bull shark baby
      Don't call on me, I'll call on you
      We're the,,Saturday night bull sharks baby
      Your Saturday night bull shark food"   Br
      We were young and pretty
      Together we took down this city
      Tickled trouts rolled over
      Left their marks upon our shoulders   Repeat V1   Ch
      "We're the,,Saturday night bull sharks baby
      Don't call on us, we'll call on you
      We're the,,Saturday night bull sharks baby
      Your Saturday night bull shark food"   Repeat chorus 
    • I really like the theme here.  From the torture of the outward ‘swarm/hive’ of ‘prison life’, to the inner, mental torture that narrator can’t escape.  Really good stuff, but I think a few tweaks could drive home your point a little better.  I have seen you be blunt in some of your posts/replies, so I feel you can handle my honest opinions on this lyric.  Feel free to ignore them if you see fit.     In V1 IMO there seems to be a contradiction.  Hero ‘sentenced to life’ and grappling with the finality of that and the ‘loss of control’, but the ‘until my parole’ line seems to give him an out, some hope of release that weakens his plight/mental anguish.     V1 sentenced to life without control sentenced to life until my parole      (his state of ‘mental anguish’ weakened by the ‘potential out’ parole offers?) assigned to the general population I can't find any isolation I pray for the hole sentenced to life with no control   Maybe:   sentenced to life lost all control sentenced to life no shot at parole in general population I can't find isolation I pray for the hole sentenced to life with no control   In V2, I think you can plant some of the ‘seeds’ of his inner torture a little better here with some tweaks.   V2 counting the days, counting the ways I might break free and make my escape it's all thinkful wishing waiting in line, waiting my turn trying to grasp if there's a lesson to learn that I just keep missing sentenced to life guilty of living   Maybe:   counting the days, searching for ways I might break free and escape it's all thinkful wishing  (here you are setting up the inner mental torture well) waiting in line, biding my time trying to grasp if there's a lesson to learn  (seems to imply wrestling with guilt about his ‘crimes’?) that I just keep missing sentenced to life yearning for living     Small changes but IMO ‘searching’, ‘biding’ and ‘yearning’ tell the same ‘story’ you had, but also hint at the ‘internal struggle’ in narrators mind a little bit by internalizing the actions to some degree, setting up the ‘twist’ in the ‘hive’ you reveal latter a little better.    I think you should maybe consider reworking the second part of this verse.  I know this might require some work to establish, but I think your lines hint at remorse/guilt in narrator’s mind over his ‘crimes’.  IMO strengthening this aspect of the lyric is central to the ‘hero’s’ mental ‘situation/struggle/breakdown’.  IMO, the conflict/guilt over his actions that led him to ‘prison’ could be/are a major piece of his inner struggle.  Maybe start to build this concept more in this verse, and bring it home with tweaks to bridge?   As far as the ‘choruses’ go, since I have seen you state in other posts you usually start with the music and then add the lyrics, I assume you have the issue of the uneven line counts from C1 to C2 to C3 resolved rhythmically/musically.  I would just consider replacing one of the three ‘souls’ in C2 with another word (essence, spirit, etc?).  And in C3, I don’t understand the line ‘but they're not driving me out of my mind’?  Isn’t the point of this that all the thoughts in his head are driving him out of his mind?   As always, these are just my thoughts, use/ignore as you see fit.
    • I'd definitely be up for doing this as a musician. The collab contests (the "full" ones as Alistair set out as option 3) are my favourite experiences from this site, so I'd love it to follow that format. I think it works for both participants - the lyricist is guaranteed to see his or her lyric put to music, and the musician gets to work in a completely different way from usual (and, in my case, with a lyric far superior to anything I can write!).    A theme or challenge is a good idea as well, I think. There have been a variety over the years - a list of song titles to choose from, a theme such as protest songs, or a particular challenge such as starting and finishing the song on the same "letter" but major/minor, eg starting in D major and ending in D minor (I'm sure there's a proper term for that!). All seemed limiting at first, but ultimately led to something outside of our comfort zones. 
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